Speaking of dreams, last night I dreamed I accidentally went to work, and had worked for awhile before I remembered I wasn’t supposed to be there. So then I kept trying to leave before I got caught, but kept getting stopped: patron needing help, coworker wanting to talk to me, etc. It ended with my supervisor accusing me of doing it on purpose, and me getting very angry about the accusations—and then I woke up.

One of our cats has been hiding under our bed, which is not typical. Also, he is a boy who likes his chow, and he has not been showing up at meal times. After two days of this, this morning I took him to the vet, and she says his vitals are good and she suspects pancreatitis, which cats can get for a number of reasons, and doesn’t have to be a big deal, especially in a young and otherwise healthy cat. She gave him fluids and a couple of shots (anti-nauseant, anti-inflammatory, vitamin B-complex), and says that if he’s not better by Friday morning she wants to see him again, but that she suspects he’s going to be just fine.

But what I wanted to talk about was that when I called to make the appointment, I started crying on the phone. I was not particularly stressed or upset about the cat; I wanted to take him to the vet, yes, but he DID seem basically okay. The crying started as soon as the nice receptionist asked what was going on with him and I started trying to tell her—which of course initially made her think the situation was much worse than it was. It was embarrassing, and also frustrating.

I feel like perimenopause is really kicking my ass, emotional-regulation-wise. I have long had an issue with choking up when I am trying to talk about anything stressful or even just dramatic, but this is significantly worse than it was. Even with my phone issues, I used to be able to make appointments even for worryingly-sick CHILDREN without choking up. Now my voice starts shaking much earlier and much more easily and for much less reason, and turns to crying much sooner. I also get angry much more quickly and much more severely (e.g., going right to thinking “WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GET A DIVORCE!!”). Afterward I will be a little amazed, remembering how mad I got over something relatively minor, and feeling grateful I didn’t do anything rash (e.g., actually saying out loud “WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GET A DIVORCE!!”).

I am wondering if hormone replacement therapy would help. It feels like such a huge hurdle, though: I have to find a doctor who doesn’t still believe that debunked study from around 2000, and then I have to find out if they’re covered by my insurance, and then I have to make an appointment, and then I will very likely have to make half a dozen phone calls to straighten out the insurance, and UG.

Actually it doesn’t look all that terrible when I write it out (except for the insurance part, and that might not happen). I have a tab open for finding a menopause-certified doctor, and there are a few within reasonable distance. Probably they take my insurance, which is one of the most common ones. I don’t have a work schedule to work around, so figuring out an appointment time won’t be too difficult. And maybe it will go just fine! Maybe I will like the doctor and they will know just what to do, and the hormones will work, and there will not be too many negative side effects, and I will feel so much better!

Have you dabbled in hormones for perimenopause? WAS it a hurdle? DO you feel so much better? WERE there side effects?

This work situation has made me nearly 100% self-absorbed in recent weeks. I was reading a book about dealing with emotions and stress, and it was like “Hey, are you using mostly I-statements? Are you indulging more than usual in food/alcohol? Have you pretty much forgotten that other people have lives/problems too?” Okay YES. I will work on it. …Soon.

Today, er… (*a moment of self-consciousness*) (*the moment passes*). Today is the first day I would normally be at work, but instead am not. Someone else is making the four trips to the overloaded weekend bookdrop. Someone else is trying to get as much of the pick-list done before 9:30 as possible. Someone else is hearing my supervisor’s voice and seeing her face and dealing with her stressful energy.

I am relieved not to be going in, but I am also feeling a little deflated. I felt possessive of my job in a positive way: like, here I am, doing MY WORK!! this work is MY NICHE and I am good at it!! I am a useful member of this team, and my role is one not everyone would want, and so my work is appreciated by my coworkers who do not WANT to go out to the bookdrop four times like a pack mule!! I may be middle-aged but I can HUSTLE!!

So I’m continuing to be sad that I am no longer doing a job that was such a good fit. I’m continuing to be angry that it was allowed to play out that way. But also: I’m continuing to feel relief that I do not have to go there today. I’m having tea with a coworker later today and we are going to gossip. That is the stated activity: “tea and gossip.” This coworker is a nice balance of looking on the bright side, not getting bogged down in saying negative things about other people, not stressing about work when we’re not being paid to stress about work—but then also believing there’s a time and a place for a little hot tea. She is not a fan of our supervisor either.

I tidied an area near my chair in the living room to make room for a cat nest: we have one cat who doesn’t like to sit on laps but likes to be Near, and my rocking chair didn’t have a Near place. Now there is a place, a nice wide windowsill with a fleecy blanket. But that meant transferring a big pile of to-read books to a side-table that doesn’t have room for them. I am trying to reduce the pile by reading the books, shortest/fastest ones first. I had a book of then-and-now pictures of our town; that one only took an hour or so. There was a Pusheen book I thought I wanted to read but it turns out I just wanted to move it to the shelf with other such books. And then I had one of the latest Roz Chast books, which I’d heard was disappointing, and I love Roz Chast so I’d been putting off being disappointed.

(image from Amazon.com)

I Must Be Dreaming, by Roz Chast

I think going into it with the expectation of disappointment was IDEAL, because then as it turned out I enjoyed it a lot. It’s true I liked it less than her books of just comics, but on the other hand this book felt more personal and more like the author is talking to the reader. It’s about dreams, and one of my favorite parts was where she listed her own Most Common Dreams. The surprise to me was that we didn’t have more overlap. I have never dreamed about being alone at a party! I have never dreamed about a plane crashing in the distance! I have never dreamed about getting a terrible disease!

William was nearby, so I asked him if he’d ever had any of those dreams, and he said no. We both have the “back in school and can’t find my locker/classroom” dream, and we both dream pretty often about elevators: can’t find the right elevator, can’t find the buttons, can’t make the door close, suddenly the elevator is getting smaller or moving sideways or going swoopily fast. We both dream about unusable bathrooms (too gross, missing door, big window, etc.). We both dream about finding a room in the house we’d forgotten about, or even a whole FLOOR of the house that we’ve forgotten about; mine sometimes include the idea of the room being full of special things. I frequently dream that I am pregnant, or that I am in possession of a baby. I used to dream pretty often about children in peril, but now I dream more often of cats in peril; when we had a fish tank, I would dream about fish in peril. I dream very often of being late for something (usually a flight) and yet not being able to get my act in gear. I’ve heard of the teeth-falling-out dream, but I’ve never had that one.

I am wondering what are your top few dreams—the themes you see pretty often.

Yesterday was my last day at my library job, and it let me check off The Last Two Difficult Things of this process: (1) the exit interview, and (2) the departure.

I was stressed about the exit interview with the director. It felt important to tell her EVERYTHING I WANTED HER TO KNOW, and to lay it out so that she would HAVE to understand it. I kept trying to plan what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. Gradually I realized that I had said most of the things already, and that the exit interview was just a chance to reiterate and emphasize. And that it’s up to her to listen and to understand and to take appropriate action. I relaxed quite a bit after that.

And the interview went fine. It involved a series of pre-set questions, and ended with asking if there was anything else I wanted her to know. The pre-set questions reminded me of the form we have for people who want to object to a book in our collection: it asks them what they LIKED about the book before asking why they want it removed. I see what such structures are trying to accomplish—but, because I DO see it, I feel it comes across as manipulative and condescending. One of the most sudden fights I ever had with Paul was when I’d been venting about a difficult and upsetting situation, and he said pointedly, patiently, “Can you think of anything POSITIVE to say about it?” Emotionally coach your OWN ass, mister.

The nice thing (the POSITIVE thing!) about the format in this particular case was that it gave me a chance to talk about the library and my job and my coworkers with shining eyes—which I hope let the director see clearly what a difference there was when I started to talk about my supervisor and how she had treated me. I said what I’d hoped to be bold enough to say, which is that my supervisor is not a good manager, and that I didn’t think she had either the temperament or the instincts to BECOME a good manager. (I practiced those words: neither the TEMPERAMENT nor the INSTINCTS.) And I was able to end on a warm (POSITIVE!) note, by re-expressing my appreciation for the library and for (all but one of) my coworkers. (I did say “all but one of.”) And my director said nice things about me, and we both said we were sorry things had ended this way. And then it was done: one of the two difficult steps dealt with.

I do have one regret, something I should have said when she asked if there was anything else I wanted to tell her. I should have told her that when I followed her advice and asked my supervisor for more clarification about a rule and why it was important that it be done that way, my supervisor said that I wouldn’t understand, and that only people who worked 40-60 hours a week would understand the big picture. This was regarding a micromanagement of my personal work routine, one that made my work less efficient and was causing problems with the patrons (it was the rule about stopping the pick list at 9:30 a.m. no matter what). That would have been the perfect moment to tell that story to the director, since it would have shown her the gap between the way she would like things to be done (the way she thinks things ARE being done) and the way the supervisor is actually doing them. I missed that opportunity, though, and I am going to have to stop playing the alternate reality (where I DO say it) in my mind. If I’d known she was going to ask that last question, I would have been ready; I did not know, so I was not ready, and that is going to have to be okay. And: this director sided with my supervisor against me on the pick list issue, without talking to me about it, so the supervisor is now the director’s well-earned problem. The director could have had better insight into the situation if she’d wanted it, and she didn’t choose that option even when she had it for free. That’s my attempt at a Coping Thought.

I’d hoped for a very low-key departure; goodbyes can be agonizing. Also, I was worried my supervisor might do something I didn’t know how to respond to (offer a hug; say she would miss me; say something kind of mean; etc.). It was one of the reasons I was tempted not to tell anyone I was leaving: my ideal would be to leave EXACTLY AS USUAL, but then NEVER RETURN.

But also: it was already not low-key at all. Two coworkers had brought me flowering plants. Two had brought doughnuts, one had brought muffins, several had brought candy. One brought me a stuffed animal. They made me my own custom box containing a journal and socks and candy plus a tiny note in a tiny envelope from each coworker, plus there was a card everyone had signed. They made me a bag full of road-trip snacks. It took me three trips to get everything to the car. It was devastatingly touching.

I did still try to make the departure brisk. Two coworkers were leaving at the same time as me (just at the end of their shift, not forever), so I arranged ahead of time for us to go out together, so we could do one big “BYYYYYYYEEEEeeeeeee!” as we swept out, and that worked well. Then one of those two coworkers left to go to her second job, and the other coworker and I went out to lunch to rehash the whole thing: how bad our supervisor was; why I had to leave; why it took me so long; who do we think she’ll pick on next; what do we think the director might do; etc. It was a very nice lunch.

I don’t think it has fully sunk in yet that I am not going back to work on Monday. I’m interested to see how Monday will feel.

I am in Week Two of my two weeks’ notice. The director said last Monday that she would notify my supervisor and the other department heads of my departure, so I’d assumed the news would spread rapidly and I would not need to tell anyone myself. (I tend to choke up, and wanted to avoid the drama.)

But by the end of the first week, no one seemed to know yet, and I was feeling increasingly awkward about it. So Friday evening I texted a handful of people from work: the ones who are my outside-work friends, and might already feel hurt about the gap between giving notice and telling them about it. One of them asked if the news was private, and I said no she could tell people, and she apparently told EVERYONE WE WORK WITH, which is an outcome I need to remember for the future when I want some news spread for me.

So this past Monday, my last Monday, I did not need to worry anymore about spreading the news. There has been some very gratifying feedback. One department head wondered if we could put a poll on the staff whiteboard about who should leave, me or my supervisor. Another wondered aloud about who my supervisor would try to push out next. Excellent, excellent. One department head asked the question I wasn’t sure how I’d handle (“Why are you leaving?”) and I wasn’t really ready for it despite having plenty of time to think about it and prepare; but I did manage to say it was because I couldn’t work for [supervisor’s name] any more. I referred to the supervisor’s pattern of going after one person after another, as if it were something we both knew about; and said it had been my turn, and that I wasn’t going to stay around for it. This department head is very, very level and calm and professional and poker-faced, so it was hard to read any reaction; she listened and inclined her head and didn’t reply, which is on-brand for her. If she were thinking “WHAT?? You UNGRATEFUL PEASANT, HOW DARE YOU PUT HER ILLUSTRIOUS NAME IN YOUR FILTHY MOUTH???” or if she were thinking “Yes, YES, another milestone in our attempt to OVERTHROW THE EVIL LEADER!!!!,” there’d be no indication either way.

I am still feeling good about my decision to leave, and I am counting the days; also I am still feeling sad and mad about it, which seems about right. I’ve made plans to have lunch with a coworker/friend right after my last day; those plans involve potatoes and gravy and cheese.

LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. I had something else, I am sure of it. But what.

OH! Yes. Listen, do any of you have experience with ONGOING RECURRING INCESSANT KIDNEY STONES? Paul has them, as did his mother. His kidney stones only just kicked into gear over the last five-ish years, and he has had a couple of ER trips, and one surgery/stent. In my opinion, the medical system then just said “Okay, good luck, byyyyyeeeeee!!”—no instructions about future follow-ups; no information about how to reduce future occurrences, other than to drink plenty of water, which he already does to a near-alarming extent. He realizes from his own research that kidney stones are difficult to figure out and hard to prevent for many many reasons, but it still seems like maybe he should have a follow-up to at least DISCUSS with a PROFESSIONAL what he MIGHT TRY to prevent them from HAPPENING CONSTANTLY, AS THEY ARE NOW. I have been pushing him to make an appointment (the DOCTOR is not going to call HIM), and he hasn’t been doing it.

Now he is going on a business trip to the U.K. (we are in the U.S.A.), and I am worried that he will have a kidney stone crisis while there. I want him TO HAVE ALREADY SEEN the specialist, and TO HAVE ALREADY OBTAINED medications he could take with him, just in case, to get him through an attack if it happens, at least until he can get back home. He has not done this.

What I would like to know is: Was this a foolish hope ANYWAY? That is: is there nothing the specialist could/would have given him, even if he HAD made the appointment? Or is this something I should keep pushing him to do for FUTURE business trips if not this one?

The day before I gave my two weeks’ notice, I was still not sure I was going to give my two weeks’ notice. I’d started a resignation letter on Friday, and worked on it over the weekend, and left myself a “PRINT LETTER” reminder for Monday morning so I’d have a chance to look it over one more time before going to work.

Monday morning, I put the letter in an envelope and put it in my work bag. I told myself I could bring it with me but that didn’t mean I HAD TO put it on the director’s desk. I could abort the mission at any time, and recycle the letter and change the date and try again later, or never do it at all.

But when I arrived at work, I knew I was going to put it on the director’s desk: it was the way I felt in the parking lot about facing another Monday with this supervisor; the way I wished I’d put it on the director’s desk LAST week, so I’d only have one week left. My adrenaline was high and my heart was pounding—but it reminded me of something I read in a book about hoarders: that a hoarder’s highest level of stress is right before putting an item in the donate/trash pile. At that moment, still holding onto the item, they would describe their stress levels as nearly intolerable. But if asked again even just a few minutes after letting go of the item, they would describe their stress levels as nearly non-existent: it’s the moment of decision and letting-go that’s stressful.

I put the letter on the director’s desk. The VERY MINUTE after I did it, I felt peaceful and good. For AGES I’ve been stressed at work, holding the job over the trash can, not sure whether to let go; I let go of it, and my stress levels plummeted. I felt like I was breathing again. I could feel the air going into my lungs, and my lungs expanding into a roomier space than before. I felt floaty, buzzy, happy.

I knew there would be several more stressful incidents before this was fully over, but it felt like I was ticking them off one by one, and that there weren’t many more to get through. The next one happened that same morning: the director asked if I had a minute. We had a good talk: exchanging mutual goodwill, both of us saying we were sorry that it had come to this. She asked if I wanted an exit interview and I said hell yes, so that will be on my last day. I plan to use that discussion to make sure she understands exactly why I am quitting: HR said the behaviors I described would REQUIRE a manager to take action, and I want to make sure she heard those behaviors, instead of hearing only my emotions. She ended the meeting by saying she would notify my supervisor, HR, and the board of trustees of my departure. I left her office feeling like I had a wonderful secret. No one knew I was leaving except the director and me.

That afternoon right after work I texted my former supervisor, the one my current supervisor got rid of with a campaign much more severe than the one she ran against me. (He was at an intermediary level of management, between her and me, and his position has not been replaced.) He suggested an impulsive late lunch at the mall’s food court, and we vented about the supervisor and imagined karmic outcomes for her, and speculated about which employee she’d target next. We were giddy and vengeful. It was the perfect way to celebrate a two weeks’ notice.

I have continued to feel almost HIGH. After that most recent meeting with my supervisor, I hadn’t been able to drink coffee because I was baseline too wound up / adrenalized / heart-poundy. I’ve been On Something (prescription tranquilizers; sedating antihistimines; stress tea with kava; L-theanine; etc.) every single day at work since then, and still haven’t felt good/calm. The day after I gave my notice, I returned to normal: drinking coffee, not having to take anything to get through the shift. I go into each day feeling good, cheerful, flirty again with my coworkers. I am feeling sentimental about what I will be leaving behind, but of COURSE I am: it was a good job! It was! I’m not leaving because the JOB was bad! I LOVED the job! And yet overall, I am feeling happy when thinking things such as “This is my second-to-last Tuesday.” I am not feeling any regret. I am not feeling as if maybe I should have stayed. I am feeling as if I broke free from a tractor beam. I am feeling as if I found the key to the handcuffs, and used it while the captor was otherwise occupied, and got away free, and the triumphant music swelled, and everyone felt relieved and happy as I ran away into the cleansing rain.

I still haven’t told anyone at work that I’m leaving, and my supervisor hasn’t mentioned it to me—or, as far as I can tell, to anyone else. Her energy has changed significantly. As of last Friday I would have described her energy as plotting, manipulative, and sparklingly malevolent. Her energy as of Monday afternoon is hard to describe, but to throw out some approximations I’d say she has seemed off-kilter, unmoored, uncertain, unarmed, dazed. I think my continued failure to spread the news to other employees is throwing her off even more, and she doesn’t know how to behave. To take it further and speculate wildly about the workings of someone else’s mind, I’d speculate that she THOUGHT she was playing a game where she’d win if I quit; but when I actually quit, she briefly regained perspective and realized that for a manager, this was losing the game; she may also be worrying about what I might have told the director; and the director may have told her that I went to HR, which should worry her even more; she may be looking back over her own past behaviors in a new light. She may also have snapped into the reality of what this means for scheduling, and hiring, and training. She took an absolutely reliable and capable and fully-trained and self-managing and self-motivating employee with six years’ experience and chased her away; now she gets to deal with that fallout. I think she got caught up in the game and forgot about everything else.

I do plan to tell every single employee why I am leaving. I am working on the phrasing. I need something tidy, shruggy, accurate. Something that clicks into place when they hear it. Something MEMORABLE. Something that, ideally, comes to their minds when my supervisor targets another employee.

One of the things keeping me from quitting my library job is anxiety about what to do next. I hate applying for jobs; I hate trying to figure out what even I want to apply for; I hate being new at a job; I hate that whole time of feeling slow and not very useful, and not knowing my coworkers yet. There’s a post on Twitter/Bluesky that’s like “Being new at a job is so embarrassing for no reason,” and I went to find it so I could give credit, and it turns out it is one of those posts many, many people have made.

I am worried that I will get a new job and again face issues with a manager. Isn’t it interesting how many bad managers there are? I wonder why there are so many. And why they get paid so much to make other people unhappy.

I am worried that it’s not the managers, it’s me. When you have bad manager after bad manager, it starts to seem like maybe it’s not the managers. But also: I’ve always worked entry-level jobs with no education/experience needed, and I think those jobs tend to have bad managers. And also: not all my managers have been bad.

I’m worried I won’t get a new job. I’ll be bored, and listless, and I won’t do anything even though I know it would make me feel better to do something. The current political situation has me already hip-deep in despair; the sudden loss of a regular scheduled time for productivity and physical activity and a little social contact seems like a bad idea.

I’m worried about the money. Because I stayed home with the kids, all of our household’s finances (house, cars, bills) are set up for what we could afford on Paul’s income alone, so we will not be in financial crisis if I quit. And because I work part-time entry-level jobs with no education/experience needed, my pay is not much. But my income was nice for breathing room, and for sending impulsive donations, and for soothing my anxiety about money overall. I can get a new job that does all those same things, but there will be a gap. And I am worried I will not GET a new job, either because I won’t take action or because no one will hire me.

I am trying not to let all these anxieties stop me from leaving a bad situation. It is a bad situation, and deserves leaving, even if there is no good situation waiting. The manager is a bad manager, and deserves leaving, even if the next manager is also bad. It is valid and sensible to wonder if a situation might be “Out of the frying pan, into the fire”—but that doesn’t make “staying in the frying pan” a viable option.

I need to get past the feeling that I should stay with the job because I shouldn’t have let a bad manager ruin it for me. It HAS been ruined for me. It shouldn’t have been, but it still has been. Earlier in this post, I call my time there “a time for productivity and physical activity and a little social contact”—but these days, when I am there, it is ACTUALLY a time of stress and aversion and agitation; and when I’m home and supposed to be resting, I’m thinking over the stressful things that happened, and trying to change reality with my mind (“I should have said THIS”).

I also need to get past the idea that I can’t leave because my bad supervisor will be happy and will feel as if she’s won. She likely WILL feel those things; there is a sense in which she HAS IN FACT won. She got me to leave, and my departure WILL make her happier. But that doesn’t mean I need to stay and be unhappy. And my coworkers will not feel happy that I am leaving, and my departure will make them less happy with the supervisor, so if I WERE going to dwell on People’s Feelings About My Actions, not that I SHOULD, then maybe People’s Feelings balance out. And also, my supervisor may feel happy, but my absence will make her life more difficult, because she is not good at scheduling or at planning ahead, so she is going to have a serious and rapidly-accumulating shelving situation to deal with. She says anyone can shelve, and she’ll get to see if that theory checks out!

And I hope you already know I know/feel this, but I don’t want to downplay the immense privilege it is to be hand-wringing over all this. Many people are in work situations much worse than mine, and don’t have the ability to just leave—or can’t leave until they have something else lined up, and nothing else is lining up. I am going to try to focus on how nice it is to be able to make this decision in a relatively low-stakes way. It still feels bad, and I am still unhappy about it, but I am not truly stuck, and I have the ability to make the choice, and that is a very lucky thing, and I know it.

An ad situation: If you are getting a stupid ad popping up when you try to comment, actively PREVENTING YOU FROM COMMENTING, know that you are not alone. I am about one inch from getting rid of the ad server on this blog, because it is not very much money and it is intermittently very much hassle—not only because of stuff like the comment-preventing pop-ups (there are not supposed to be ANY pop-ups), but also in terms of tax prep. It’s an easy form when I’m doing it myself (one sheet of paper, one number, one business name)—but we have a tax preparer do our taxes now, and adding that one form adds another big chunk of expense to the preparation costs.

A cat feeding situation: Normally we bring out the cat food three times a day, and the cats can eat as much as they want during those three windows of time, which tend to be lengthy because we get distracted doing something else and forget to take away the bowls. We do it this way because one of the four cats has a little grazing issue (girl, same). But it is unfortunate, because ANOTHER of our cats is getting skinny and shivery with old age, and we want him to eat a kibble every single time it occurs to him; and now ANOTHER cat is having a temporary digestive issue that means he is not eating as much as he should, and should ALSO eat a kibble every single time it occurs to him. Anyway, all this means we are currently leaving the bowls out all the time, and the cats do not know what to do with their time now that they’re not spending so much of it monitoring us to see if we’re getting out the food bowls yet.

The job situation: I set myself one and a half goals. Goal one was to meet with Human Resources; the half goal was to maybe meet with the director, but I thought that would probably be ceremonial at best, and fuel for lying awake having imaginary conversations at worst. I met with HR last week, and it went very well. She said the issues I was describing were issues a manager would be required to take action on, if those issues were reported to them—but of course that means reporting the issues. She strongly advised me to meet with the director. I explained why I thought that would be fruitless, and she basically said Nevertheless. She said even if I got nowhere, even if I thought nothing would come of it, she still strongly advised it. She has a reputation for disliking my supervisor, so I felt inclined to take her advice.

So I met with the director. It is hard to say if it was fruitless. It felt pretty fruitless. She’s a very good listener, and she’s easy to talk to; but numerous coworkers have mentioned that after they talk to her they feel great, and then a few weeks later they notice nothing has changed. She’s like talking to AI. She assured me that she heard me and would take my issues seriously, and also assured me that she was “working on” my supervisor. Okay, but there is no base material to work with. My supervisor does not have the temperament, education, training, or instincts for being a good manager, so I don’t think working on the training is going to do enough to make her tolerable for me to work under. And the director HAS been working on her, for over a year, and I have not seen any improvement, and if anything things have gotten worse.

I do feel good about Completing My Two Meetings, though. Now I am in the will-she-or-won’t-she quitting phase, and probably will-she. I have started composing my quitting letter, and this is where I’m stuck. I don’t know if it should be extremely simple, as all my previous quitting letters have been (basically “This will be my last day”), or if I should use this as an opportunity to make it really clear why I’m leaving. I have left bad managers before, without putting that in my resignation letter. But I’ve never had meetings about my bad managers before, and I’ve always been leaving jobs I wanted to leave anyway, so this feels different.

What about one absolutely bland resignation letter (last day / bland assertion of goodwill), and one letter laying out some reasons? My friend Surely mentioned I could make the second letter a summary/record of each of the two meetings: thanking them for their time, mentioning what was brought to their attention, hoping the issues can be resolved, wishing everyone well. (She added that I could say I was sharing this information with the board of trustees, but warned that that doesn’t leave the door open if my supervisor might leave for other reasons and I might want to be re-employed at the library.)

I cannot adequately express how much I appreciated the extremely helpful and bolstering variety of responses on the Job post. And the suggestions that I stay on FOR SPITE were so funny, it considerably deflated the stress of the whole thing.

Which is not to say that I did not wake up at 4:00 a.m. and go immediately into mentally-reliving-and-reimagining mode. And I have continued doing it all day. I contacted my doctor and got a refill on a short-acting medication that can be helpful to take at such times. I put the bottle into my work bag. (I have also increased my willingness to consider a more daily medication, especially in this ongoing political climate. I would be even more open to the idea if such medications had worked better the last time I tried them.)

This morning I went for a walk with a sympathetic coworker, and we talked through some options. There is another coworker who is being actively hassled by this same supervisor; we’re in different departments and hardly ever overlap, but I think I should go have a chat with her. I will at some point have to talk to the director; I wish I were someone who could do difficult talks without crying, but we do what we can with what we have. (Also: I took my short-acting medication before my meeting with my supervisor, and I DID NOT CRY.) I also may make an appointment with HR and see what they have to say; they do exit interviews, and several employees have left because of this supervisor, and rumor has it that the lead HR person “can’t stand” this supervisor. (That does not seem to have saved those other employees, however, or resulted in any action against my supervisor.) I am acquaintances with a member of the board of trustees; perhaps I will ask her to have coffee with me.

NOW LET US TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, ANYTHING ELSE, BECAUSE I AM GOING MAD. I hate hate hate this stage of things, when my mind CANNOT leave something alone. I know it will pass; it always passes. But in the meantime it is like being infected by a brain virus.

Do you know, sometimes when I am afflicted with a brain virus and/or lying awake at night, I will think to myself “Let’s think about something HAPPY!!,” and sometimes I can’t think of anything? Literally can’t think of anything—or at least, nothing that doesn’t immediately lead to another stressful thought. (This is another reason I am considering a daily medication.)

Because of course there are happy things. There are so many happy things. Soon there will BULB FLOWERS! There was recently a BABY. There are BOOKS TO READ. There is another library just ten minutes away, if my own library ends up ruined for me because of this job. There are the mini road trips taking the college kids back and forth, with big boxes of road-trip snacks, and sometimes an overnight in a motel by myself! There are Easter care packages to assemble, and there are Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs (in my opinion, the best of the Reese’s format). There are cats. There is my friend’s dog, who accompanies us on our walks so I get some Dog Time as well as some Friend Time and some Mental and Physical Health. There is CHRISTMAS; I know it is March, but the years go by faster and faster. Paul and I have booked a vacation (more on this later), which isn’t happening until next year, and it is causing me some stress but mostly I like to think about it, and I like that I have plenty of time to think about it. Paul’s workplace’s annual outing-with-spouses is going to be a baseball game this year, and I have never been to a baseball game; and because it is organized by someone else, I can be (more) interested and happy, rather than (as) stressed about figuring it all out.

I want to choose us a topic other than my work situation, but it feels cheesy and forced to suggest we list things to be happy about. What if the topic is SAY LITERALLY ANYTHING. It CAN be something to be happy about, but let’s not have any pressure about that. There is something just as satisfying about a good complaint. Do you want to complain about something happening at work? I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR IT. Do you have a coping method for dealing with a temporary brain virus? PLEASE SHARE. Are you SO SICK OF SNOW? TELL ME. Have you read a good book? LET US IN ON IT. Are you looking forward to something? WE WANT TO KNOW. Is there a food you are currently a little obsessed with? IT’S ALL GOOD INFO. (Have you tried the spicy dill pickle Goldfish Crisps? I bought them as a sort of joke, and we did not stop eating them until they were all gone.)

(image from pepperidgefarm.com)

Things have been getting worse at my job. Twice my supervisor has had a sit-down meeting with me to scold/question me over something where I am not actually in trouble. That is, I have not done anything wrong, but she wishes to make me feel as if I have done something wrong. I have been able to retain the presence of mind to ask questions such as “Have I broken a rule?” and “Did I violate a policy?,” which helps, since she has had to say no.

In the most recent meeting, I said THREE TIMES that I did not understand why were were having the meeting. She “just wanted to understand” why I was “so upset” about a policy. “So upset” means that the other day she said something was fine, and I said I was not fine with it, actually; that was me being “so upset.” She added that she just didn’t understand why I was SO EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED. I explained some, and she kept shaking her head like it was all so weird to her, and that’s when I said I didn’t actually understand why we were having the meeting to talk about this again. We already had this meeting about the rule, and I understood that she was the boss and that she gets to make the decisions, and I was obeying her rules even though I didn’t agree with them. She circled back to exaggerating how “emotional” I’d been, and downplaying the negative effects of her rule. The third time I brought it back to BUT WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS MEETING, I said again that I understood she was in charge, and that I was obeying her rules; but that if she wanted me to agree that they were good rules, or if she wanted me not to resent having to follow rules I consider foolish, that’s not something she can have. That’s where we ended the meeting—except as we stood up, she said I should come to her with any other rules I didn’t feel were right. I said I had thoroughly learned that there was absolutely no reason to bother doing that.

Overall I felt I held my ground pretty well. But this brings things more to a head than they were before. She diminished my concerns, diminished my role. She said I wasn’t looking at the bigger picture—the things people who were there 40-60 hours a week would see. I said I didn’t see how micromanaging the page’s work priorities were bigger picture, and she swerved and said there’s no such thing as a page, we’re all library assistants. (Okay? But I am the library assistant assigned to the paging shifts, so.) She used Gotcha arguments: “If you care so much about customer service, we can make sure you get plenty of time on the desk.” (I said “That is not what I meant, and you know that’s not what I meant.”) She has implied that I want to do things a certain way because I am selfish and want to hog all the fun parts of my job for myself. She tried to blame the library’s director for these decisions, but I already talked to the director and the director says it’s all up to my supervisor. She tried to blame ME for the decisions, saying I came to them with the problem. (It’s true, I did, but the problem was my supervisor’s bad system, and I hadn’t realized they would “solve it” in such a ridiculous, senseless way that breaks more than it fixes, and then would not care when I gave feedback on those changes.) She has shown me that she will not budge, even on foolish rules where she gets lots of feedback explaining why they don’t work. She makes bad decisions and she sticks to them no matter what. She has lost all my respect. She is bad at her job, and apparently no one is going to stop her or get rid of her.

So the question is, can I continue working there. I love the work. I love most of my coworkers. I have never liked a job for more than 6 months, and I’ve liked this job for well over 6 years. The schedule and flexibility work for me, and it’s within walking distance of my house, and it’s all indoor work with climate-control. I am very good at the work, and the work is good for me both mentally and physically. It checks my preference for a Richard Scarry Community Job that everyone understands and likes the idea of.

But I’m starting to spend a fair amount of time outside of work agitating about work stuff. I have been documenting the way my supervisor is treating me—but I realized I don’t want to work for a company where I have to document how my supervisor is treating me. Plus, so much of it is these tiny things where it’s hard to explain why I’m even documenting it. An example: every other Friday, she hands out the paychecks to everyone who’s there; she puts mine in the drawer with the ones for the people who aren’t there. So tiny, right? Who even cares? But she’s doing a LOT of these little who-cares things, directed at me.

I think I have to leave. But I hate hate hate that this is how things are. I’m so resistant to the idea that I am the one who has to lose my job, when it’s someone else who is behaving badly.

I am remembering, too, what some of you have said in the past and I have found so extremely useful: “a decision needs to be made” doesn’t mean it needs to be made RIGHT THIS MINUTE. I can continue to coast. But it feels at this point like I am circling the inevitable.