I don’t entirely know how to even START this topic, but I want to talk about ways to give money directly and anonymously to SPECIFIC other people.

There are at least two ways I know of for individuals to most effectively give money directly to STRANGERS who most need it, and one of those is to give money to people on the street who are asking for money, and the other is to leave nice big tips for hotel housekeeping staff. But what I want to know is this: what if you have a specific friend or relative or coworker who needs money, and you know that giving someone money is a surefire way to compromise/ruin a relationship, but you want to give them money? How do you give them money WITHOUT THEM KNOWING IT WAS YOU?

One way is to put cash or a gift card into an envelope and then mail it. Ideally, you would mail it from somewhere you don’t live, and you would address the envelope using your non-dominant hand. The USPS has pretty much tanked that option for me by becoming unreliable. It used to be the case that you could count on the mail arriving where you’d mailed it; the success rate was WELL over 99%. That is no longer ANYWHERE NEAR the case. I DETEST paying bills online, and yet EVEN I have started paying some bills online, because the USPS is so unreliable. I did a test with a friend, where I mailed her ten postcards—and she received only six of them. (Though there’s still time! I still participate sporadically in Postcrossing, and I recently received a postcard that had been mailed EIGHT MONTHS AGO.) (But, like, it was mailed to me from Russia. Not from, like, Missouri.)

Another way, if you and the recipient both belong to the same church, is to give the person the money through a church representative. Huuuuuuuge issue is that there is no way to avoid the church representative knowing about it, which is EXTRA problematic if your church is in line with the whole “don’t give braggily/showily” concept. Huger issue, for me, is that I don’t belong to a church.

Another way is to see if you can arrange the payment of one or more of the recipient’s bills directly with the biller. So, for example, perhaps I could go to the recipient’s vet, or to their electric company, if I know who their vet or electric company is, and ask to make a payment on their account. Privacy laws can mess with this, and also there is no way to know for sure that the person you talk to isn’t going to realize that they could keep the money and no one would know. And, like, do I pay with cash, to make sure I don’t leave a traceable trail? I wondered if I could go to, let’s say the vet, and make a cash payment in the name of the recipient (maybe even implying that I WAS the recipient?), and ask for a receipt, and mail the receipt to the recipient? …This is seeming pretty complicated, and it requires knowledge I generally don’t have, such as which vet someone goes to.

I am pretty sure you can ship things anonymously from Amazon or Target. It seems best to give people MONEY, so that they can buy what THEY consider most important. But if you give someone toilet paper and food, then they can use their toilet-paper-and-food budget to buy something else—so that might be CLOSE ENOUGH to giving them cash. I don’t like this, though. I am imagining someone sending me shampoo and conditioner and soap and food, and having those items be very different than what I would have chosen. There are layers of dignity here, and of life satisfaction. It’s one thing if I go to a food pantry, where I know I will be choosing among the things other people have donated; it’s different if someone sends me already-chosen things directly. And there can be all kinds of things I wouldn’t know: perhaps their septic system is picky, perhaps someone has an allergy.

It is of course easier to anonymously give a smaller amount of money. You can tuck a $20 into someone’s coat pocket without a whole lot of thought or subterfuge. But what if you want to give $100? $500? $1000? $10,000? I feel like if there were good ways to do this, they would be known already, and I wouldn’t have to ask. But what if this isn’t a common issue and so it hasn’t been explored? What if hardly anyone is looking to give money anonymously? What if we can be the ones to explore it? What if our hive mind has the answers?

LET’S SAY you wanted to give a particular person $1,000, and you didn’t want them to know it was you: How would/could you do it? Or from another angle: Let’s say someone wanted to give you $1,000, and they didn’t want you to know it was them? How could they do it?

I’ve seen things now and then about the healing and stress-reducing power of touch: how healthcare providers and caretakers can do a surprising amount of good for the patient by even such small things as putting their hand on a patient’s shoulder, or touching them briefly on the upper arm. With one of my c-sections, there was some sort of trainee (EMT?) sitting in, and she offered to let me hold her hand while I was getting the epidural, and it helped so much, and I still remember it a quarter-century later.

And here’s the situation I’m going to apply that paragraph to: I had a very stressful dentist appointment yesterday. I was getting two crowns, and I was getting them with a new dentist, because our old dentist sold the practice between one of my appointments and the next. I had many, many anxieties. One was that I would barf when they used that dental goop to make impressions of the teeth; the dental assistant scolds me that I shouldn’t be thinking of it or planning for it, but the fact is that it’s happened twice (and I WASN’T thinking about it or planning for it the first time) so I feel like I have reason to think/plan—and also I feel like THEY should be GLAD to be forewarned. Second anxiety was of course ALL THE DRILLING, not to mention LONG NEEDLES INTO MY GUMS. Third was the part where they ask you to verify that the bite is right, and it takes a dozen or more tries, and novocaine is involved so it’s hard to tell, and also I have forgotten how I bite. Is it like this? Actually I can also bite like this. Perhaps my bite was off to begin with? Why does this process involve my inexpert subjective contribution??

Fourth anxiety was that the temporary crown would fall off while I waited for the permanent crowns, and I would have to keep going back and having them act like this is a surprising thing, and ask me if I was chewing a pencil or something when it happened. Fifth anxiety was the appointment in three weeks when the crowns were ready, and having to do the bite thing again. Sixth anxiety was the cost: they’d said they’d send me an estimate, but they hadn’t. What if the new dentist charged a lot more? Also: the old dentist had a discount for paying with a check instead of a credit card, but did the new dentist? I would need to bring the checkbook just in case, and I don’t carry a purse anymore so I guess I’m putting it in my back pocket? Maybe it will fall out. Seventh anxiety was that this was a brand new untested dentist (untested by me: he’s been practicing elsewhere for nearly a decade), and I was getting TWO CROWNS as my first experience with his work?? What if it was a disaster?? What if I should have switched practices the minute I heard that this one had been sold?? Why didn’t the old dentist WARN me he was leaving, so I could have quick gotten these crowns done with him?? And eighth anxiety was just THE WHOLE THING, EVERYTHING ABOUT IT, ABSOLUTELY ALL OF IT.

Here is the thing I found helpful: I concentrated on any element of human touch. I have to concentrate on SOMETHING while I’m lying there with nothing to do, and usually I concentrate on the sound and feel of the drill, and on worrying that I will suddenly start feeling pain and I will jolt upward and the drill will do something scary to my tooth/mouth, and on the indignity of drool, and on worrying that I am not holding my mouth open enough and/or I am holding it open ridiculously extra, and on the gross feel of the novocaine, and on where I should be putting my tongue and what if I accidentally put it right onto the drill. This time, instead, I concentrated on the way I could feel the assistant’s leg against my upper arm, and the dentist’s fingers on my mouth—sorry, it is kind of struggle to write this in a way that doesn’t sound unintentionally erotic; but you’ve had dental work done, you know we are not talking about that.

Once I started noticing those things, I found I was SIGNIFICANTLY relaxing. I felt my shoulders drop down to the back of the chair, and my breathing changed. I started thinking about things like how kind of amazing it is that two separate people with their four hands can somehow work together in the small area that is my mouth and on the even smaller area that is my tooth. They are working together SEAMLESSLY, without any bumping into each other! How much practice does that take? Do some dentists and some assistants work better together than others? I’m sure they DO. How do they TEST for that, when hiring? Do they do a trial run together, as part of the interview process? Are assistants in dental school trained using hands-on situations with dentists, and the dentist-teachers give them feedback on that? Are dentists likewise trained with feedback from experienced assistants?

I noticed that this new dentist keeps up a steady stream of pleases and thank yous with his assistant, and how nice that is to hear. I realized my old dentist did not do that—but also, I don’t think it’s that he wasn’t polite, I think it was that he’d been working with the same assistant for decades and they probably no longer needed much talking; I don’t remember him asking her for things, either. I noticed that the dentist and the assistant use much lower tones when they talk to each other than when they talk to me, and it’s interesting that they can hear each other over the sound of the drill—but probably they are saying expected things, which makes those things easier to hear. Like when I had a hearing test, and I told the technician I was only able to identify a word because I’d heard it earlier in a louder round, and she said that was on purpose. I noticed that both the dentist and the assistant spoke in soothing, calm voices, to each other and to me, and wondered if that too was part of dental-school training. I wondered if dentists with nicer voices were more successful than dentists with irritating voices.

What I am trying to say is that it shifted THE ENTIRE EXPERIENCE. It was still, of course, very unpleasant and stressful—but my goal is not to CHANGE REALITY, my goal is only to cope with it better, and I coped with it much, much better. I think it’s partly the human-touch-reduces-stress thing—but also that focusing on the human touch made me focus on the human element. This is not just Me Having An Unpleasant Dental Procedure: there are two other people in this room, and they are doing interesting work, and how nice it is that there are people who train to do this interesting work so that we are not still in the era where I would be giving someone a chicken in exchange for having these two teeth pulled out with a pliers.

I forgot to mention that on my friend J’s recommendation I bought this suitcase-backpack for our recent trip to the big city: I did not want to have to use a wheelie bag for the one-hour walk between train station and hotel. (We could have gotten an Uber, and we were prepared to do that if the weather had been bad, but the weather was perfect and I thought it would be a nice way for town mice to See/Experience the City a little, considering we were not there for long.)

(image from Amazon.com)

It was perfect. It PACKED like a suitcase, but WORE like a backpack. I’d worried I would look like I had a suitcase strapped to my back, but I had plenty of time to observe the effect on Paul (I bought him the same one in black), and he just looked like he was wearing a backpack. This is in part because of something you may consider a positive or a negative: the sides are not rigid, and they soften even more with use. I was able to re-form the case into a rectangle for re-packing, but then it slumps in a backpacky way when you put it on. I liked this, but I could see how someone else might be expecting it to hold its shape, and might WANT it to look like a suitcase strapped to their back.

It has lots of pockets, some of which were immediately useful and some of which will need time and experience to reveal their best function. It has a strap inside, to keep things snug; I forgot to use it. It has comfortable padded shoulder straps; and even though it was fairly heavy (I TRY to pack light, but by nature I am a four-mule overnighter), I didn’t start noticing it until toward the end of the walk. It has a top-handle and a side-handle, which were nice for getting it into and out of the overhead bins.

I was extremely pleased with the purchase. I’ve only used it once, so I can’t yet say anything about how durable it is, but to my non-expert eye it seems sturdy and well-made. Rather than putting it in the barn with our luggage, I put it right into my closet so it would be on-hand for other short trips. I would also use it on longer trips, as my carry-on—especially for trips where I feel nervous about my luggage getting lost and want to carry with me a toothbrush and deodorant and a change of unders, as well as a book and lots of snacks, and charging cables and a water bottle, and the many other things I like to travel-heavy with.

I have had one of the busiest weeks I’ve had in a long time. Also: my favorite jeans, the ones I launder while wearing pajama pants so I can put them right back on again as soon as they’re dry, have formed a deal-breaking hole in the upper thigh. They are Duluth jeans, and they are fully reinforced in the knees; that is not where I need reinforcement. I would buy half a dozen more pairs but they don’t sell them anymore; this is the trouble with trying things for the first time when they are on clearance. I have bought other Duluth jeans and they don’t feel as good as these do, and the pockets are not as good. I am going to see if Elizabeth has learned enough fabric art in art school to patch them.

Back to the busiest week—by which I mean busiest seven days in a row, because today (Tuesday) was the last day of that week. For the first two days, Paul and I drove to the twins’ college, picked up a trailer, loaded all the twins’ stuff into it, returned their keys, stayed in a hotel overnight, drove back home the next day, unloaded the trailer, returned the trailer. Which sounds so simple when I type it out, but it was so many logistics! And it took from 7:30 a.m. on Day One until 4:30 p.m. on Day Two. But! It was a good drive in both directions, and we had a nice evening eating dinner/snacks and watching TV in the motel with the twins, and on the way home I had twins to talk to. (Paul drove the car with the trailer, and wanted to leave at 4:00 in the morning; twins opted to go with me at 7:30. Which also meant Paul unloaded and returned the trailer before we got home, la la la!)

The next two days, Paul and Elizabeth and I drove to a train station and took a train to a big city where one of Elizabeth’s artworks was being shown along with a couple hundred other student works, and stayed in a hotel overnight (over four times the cost of the hotel we stayed in when we picked up the twins at their college), and traveled home the next day. Which sounds so simple when I type it out, but it was so many logistics! And it took from 7:30 a.m. on Day One until 4:30 p.m. on Day Two. But! This was my second trip to this city (the first time was ALSO for an Elizabeth Art Thing), and I find myself unexpectedly FOND of it. AND: it was so stressful to find/choose a hotel (the CHEAPEST hotels were FOUR TO FIVE TIMES the amount I consider indulgent for a hotel!! and the mid-grade hotels were TEN TO FIFTEEN TIMES the amount!! and the expensive hotels were TWENTY-FIVE TO FORTY TIMES the amount!!), but as it happened I don’t think I could have chosen better: the style was charmingly vintage/shabby but the shower/toilet had been renovated/updated; it was cozy and comfortable; the views from the windows were delightfully City; the employees were so nice and so helpful (and asked if we wanted a room HIGHER UP or not—I said YES). I am going to write them a letter telling them how nice our stay was.

Then the next day was Mother’s Day, and there were treats and gifts and a phone call from Rob; and we watched Thursday Murder Club (my choice), which was not as good as the book but was still really good, and I think it’s fun that so many of us assumed Elizabeth would be played by Helen Mirren or Judi Dench and NO ONE ELSE (they went with Helen Mirren). Celia Imrie was as I’d imagined Joyce. Pierce Brosnan is too tall and groomed and conventionally attractive to be Ron, imo. Ibrahim is a maybe; I can maybe get used to Ben Kingsley, but I was expecting more like John Turturro.

The next day I took Edward to his Remicade infusion. Paul has been handling this for the last couple of years, because he had an abundance of paid time off and I had none, and because it was difficult for me to take time off and easy for him, and because everything about the Remicade infusions is stressful for me and Paul kept acting like that was silly, and because I had been doing LITERALLY EVERY WHICH-PARENT-SHOULD-DO-THIS TASK FOR 2-3 DECADES AND PERIMENOPAUSE HAS FINALLY CAUSED ME TO BE COMPLETELY FED UP WITH THAT SITUATION. But now I am unemployed, so it felt utterly stupid for him to take a day off when I had nothing else going on, so I did it. I still find every element of it stressful.

And the day after that, which was today, I drove to Henry’s college to pick him up and drive him home for the summer. To my pleased surprise, he was completely 100% packed up, with his room 100% (well—-70%, but that is what I would consider 100% for a college student) cleaned (and I hasten to add I did nothing to bring it to 100%), and his dorm key already returned.

All four non-launched kids are now at home for the summer.

HELLO. I have come up with a new project for my Temporary Unemployment, and it is “watching the first episode of every TV show I said I wanted to watch and then couldn’t remember what it was or why I wanted to watch it.” So far I have watched the first episodes of:

Bad Sisters
Never Have I Ever
The OA
Shrill
Shrinking
Sense8

This is to get an idea of which shows we might want to watch while the littles are home for the summer. So far, in terms of “Do I want to watch this with my children?,” I am yes, yes, yes, no, yes, yes. I suspect the children will be no, no, yes, no, maybe, yes.

I am wondering: do you have MORE TV for me to try?? I liked Severance a lot, though I basically had a breakdown over the season two ending (WHO WOULD DO THAT TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING??? I HATE EVERYONE!!!!). I like the British version of Traitors, and want to try the U.S. version ONLY because of Alan Cumming; I like Taskmaster, but have to remember at the beginning of each season that I like it, because at first it is STRANGERS and I DO NOT LIKE THEM, and it takes me a few episodes to LOVE THEM ALL FOREVER. I ended up liking Pluribus, but the first episode I sobbed and freaked out and was a mess: I can handle that stuff in a BOOK, but not VISUALLY, and I wasn’t prepared for it, and I continued to have issues with other episodes, especially when my family argued that the main character was irrational and unlikable and I DISAGREED INTENSELY. I watched an episode of This Is Going To Hurt, and I might want to watch more, but not with the children, and maybe not at all. So many people have recommended The Pitt!! but I don’t want to see a lot of blood/injuries/emergencies/stress. I am also not in the market for shows that are by, for, and about ONLY MEN; if anything, I want the opposite right now. …Though I enjoyed the first episode of Shrinking, which is so far really only about men, so.

Apparently Aaron Sorkin is divisive and indicative; I tend to like his stuff, but Paul tends to hate it; I loved Sports Night, I loved the first…was it six? seasons of The West Wing, before Aaron Sorkin left. I liked Firefly; it was frankly too much for me, but I still liked it. I liked Six Feet Under; it was frankly too much for me, but I still liked it. The Wire was extremely my thing but about ten times as intense and upsetting as I could stand; I only watched…a season and a half, or two seasons, I’m not sure. I watched and liked two seasons of The Good Place. I liked 95% of Letterkenny, but the other 5% I found so repellent I couldn’t tolerate it. I thought Sex Education was brilliant in its way but far far too much for me. Ted Lasso was great except for one character/plotline I found intolerable. I thought Jane the Virgin was fine, and good in certain ways, and dumb in other ways, but I enjoyed the quirk. I liked Queen’s Gambit but found it upsetting. I liked Parks and Rec after the first season (and agree the first season can be skipped). I liked Schitt’s Creek after the first season (and agree the first season is necessary to suffer through). I liked The Good Wife for awhile. I’ve watched two seasons of Bridgerton, but it is much too racy to watch with the kids, and I CANNOT with how often women are passionately slammed against walls and desks and STAIRS??? and so forth); I tried The Gilded Age and it didn’t grab me but I’d be willing to keep trying; I watched and liked two seasons of The Crown. I liked Buffy, and Angel, and Veronica Mars, while acknowledging the soap-opera qualities. I loved Downton Abbey, while acknowledging the soap-opera qualities.

My favorite is to watch a show with multiple seasons that was allowed to continue until it ended correctly, and where viewers agree that it ended correctly. But I am absolutely willing to watch shows in-progress that will probably be canceled because they’re good. My least favorite is to watch the first season of something than only has one season, and the next season isn’t coming out for a couple of years. (I do not understand why it’s going to take so long to get another season of Pluribus.)

We have purchased a Costco membership. When we looked into it years ago, I compared prices for a bunch of things we bought regularly, and it looked like even with a household of seven, we wouldn’t save much more money than the membership cost—especially considering the Costco is over half an hour away and isn’t one of the ones that has a gas station. Like, it FEELS like buying a four-pack of huge peanut butters MUST be cheaper—but they weren’t cheaper per ounce than the sale price at our grocery store, so I’d rather just get the normal jars at the sale price.

HOWEVER. I have lost Target, because of what they have become. And Costco, meanwhile, has been doing cool things involving standing up to the government about DEI and so forth, and I would like to support them in that. Plus, there is the delightful CEO/hotdog story. And also, there have been numerous times when I’ve asked for a recommendation and someone has suggested something that can only be purchased at Costco. OH AND: one of my friends has hearing aids, and says the Costco ones are (1) cheaper and (2) better than the ones she originally had. AND-and, there was an online deal that gave us a $45 Costco gift card with a new membership, which erases most of the first year’s $65 membership fee. AND-and-and, I no longer have to factor in the issue of bringing children with me.

Paul and I went on a first exploratory trip, and the first thing we learned was that we should never go there on a Sunday afternoon ever again. BUT: it was fine, because we were not pushing a cart nor shepherding children, so we were able to dart through the gaps. And I had three good samples: one coffee sample, one cheese sample, and one surprisingly delicious blackened salmon sample. (I am going to look for that blackened salmon next time I go.)

I was glad we’d decided ahead of time not to buy anything on our first trip, because even so I was overwhelmed. The Costco format is not one that immediately appeals to me: the huge warehousey feeling; the oppressive piles of merchandise; the extremely limited options, and you have to buy SO MUCH of something just to TRY it; the inexplicable-to-me-as-yet organization (Tupperware! scented candles! mini-fridge! birdseed! all in the same fun aisle!). I believe with time and patience I will learn the store, and come to know which things I want to buy whenever I am there, and then have fun gradually scouting around for other possibilities; this is what happened with me and Trader Joe’s, and now I LOVVVVVVVVVVE Trader Joe’s. (Though I do not have to pay an annual fee to shop at Trader Joe’s, nor am I checked at the Trader Joe’s in-door AND out-door by security.)

I think it’ll be fun to try things while the kids are home for the summer. I wouldn’t normally buy an eight-pack of muffins or a six-pack of frozen pizzas or a whole cake—but with six of us at home, it’s the perfect time.

When I was visiting my parents, they took me to lunch at Costco and we shared one each of a bunch of the things on the menu they like, so I could get a good sampling. I liked the pizza and the hot dog, and I loved the smoothie; I was so-so on the chicken hot-pocket thing; I thought the chicken Caesar salad was good but unremarkable. Here are some other things my parents like at Costco:

the bakery cherry cream-cheese danish
the bakery cinnamon chip muffins
the bakery raspberry morning buns
the bakery tuxedo cake
the bakery banana nut loaf
the deli rotisserie chicken
the Bequet sea-salt caramels
the Pierre Cordon Bleu chicken breasts

I have also heard numerous people speak fondly of the Costco sheet cake. I am looking forward to buying their interesting platters (cookie/bar assortments! pastry assortments!) for future parties where I am supposed to bring something.

I would like to know what else you think I should be thinking of trying. And what are the best days and times to go.

I had lunch with two former coworkers, and it has rejuvenated part of my soul. One of the coworkers was driven out by the same supervisor who drove me out; the other coworker is still working there, and can give reports from the inside. I told the one who is still there to tell me only how bad things are since I left: I said I don’t want to know if things are so much better and everyone is like “Oh god, it’s like a wrench has been removed from the cogwheel”/”it’s like a dark cloud has dissipated” or whatever, and she said “Frankly? It is a SHITSHOW.” So gratifying.

In one of the meetings I had with my supervisor before I quit, she implied that I “got to” do all the tasks I wanted to do: I GOT TO do the book drop, I GOT TO do the pick list—like my work was a huge treat. “Implied” is the wrong word: she specifically used the words “you get to,” as part of her explanation why I should not be upset about what I do NOT “get to” do (things like doing my job efficiently and/or in a way that makes sense). MY understanding was that I was doing the work no one else wanted to do, which I had been specifically hired to do: no one applied for that job in-house before it was posted externally; no one ever expressed jealousy of my work; no one eagerly grabbed my shifts when I had to be out; no one expressed resentment at “having to” sit at the desk instead of emptying the bookdrop and doing the shelving. If anything, I received sympathy, which was pleasing because I LIKED my work allotment, and didn’t want to trade any more than they did!

The situation since I left is one that reinforces my take, rather than my supervisor’s take. My tasks are being divided among my former co-workers, and no one wants to do them, and it’s making everyone unhappy. They’re so short-staffed (another employee left the week after I did, for benign, non-supervisor-related reasons) that no time-off requests are being approved, which is ridiculous. (I am of the “No: I am not asking, I am telling you when I will not be able to be at work” mindset in regards to time-off requests for part-time/no-benefits jobs that are not in, say, emergency rooms.) And it’s been a month since I gave my notice, and my supervisor still hasn’t gotten around to posting a job listing—not for my job, and not for the job of the other coworker who left right after me. Is the director noticing this? I hope the director is noticing this. We were ALREADY short-staffed.

Oh!! Also!! Get this: My former coworker reported that my former supervisor wrote to our library’s former director telling her that Swistle left “to spend more time with her husband.” WHAT. That is a BONKERS take. Absolutely bonkers. Beyond bonkers. If she had said “to spend more time with her family,” I would have taken that as a Polite Stand-In Reason—a transparently fake reason, used when one of the parties does not want to say the actual reason, and everyone knows that’s what it is, so it’s not really a lie. But “to spend more time with her husband” is…a bonkers-specific lie. Or…it makes me wonder what the current director told the supervisor about why I was leaving, considering my actual reason for leaving was the supervisor. But WOULD the director give THAT bonkers reason, when there are so many other noncommittal, non-specific options (“for personal reasons,” “to explore other opportunities,” etc.)? I don’t think she WOULD.

The last two mornings I have made an attempt at the 7-minute strength-training workout. I have not tried this routine since before my knee surgery, which was in January of 2025. I can no longer kneel on one knee, which is a big setback. The first day, I had to COMMIT to not letting it drop me into despair. The modifications I need now!!

Already I used an interval timer that gives me 15 seconds between exercises instead of 10, but now even that is not always enough time to get, say, from standing to lying down. Try it: get from standing up to lying on the floor in the correct position to do sit-ups, but one of your knees has to play The Floor Is Lava. Now get from the floor to standing—again without using that one knee. I can do it, but it takes a little time and thought.

Also, even before the knee surgery, I could not do a knee-based push-up; I would WORK ON that for the 30 seconds (e.g., lowering slowly with control, and pushing AS IF I could push myself back up). Now I can’t use the knee. I used to be able to do a knee-based plank; now I can’t, because I can’t kneel on that knee. All push-ups and planks have to be wall/bureau-based standing versions, or maybe I will try using the seat of a chair or something. I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to look into what my options are. This suffuses me with ennui.

At my one-year surgery follow-up, the P.A. wanted and expected me to tell her how much my life has improved since the knee surgery, and it was not an uncomplicated thing to do. Before the surgery, I’d limp while grocery-shopping, and had to actually lean on the cart for support; I would go for a short walk and wonder if I might get stranded because of the knee pain/instability and have to be picked up. So obviously there is significant improvement there: I can now walk like billy-o, for miles! But my knee clicks a little with each step (normal, expected, permanent), and the clicking varies from being almost unnoticeable to feeling gross and disturbing. And moving around in general (like, turning over in bed, or getting in and out of bed, or getting down to or up from the floor) is significantly affected. If I have to do something such as getting under my desk to unplug my computer, I have to really think about it and plan for it, and sometimes I can’t really figure it out and have to have someone else do it. Last summer I went to the lake with friends, and at one point I had to climb into a boat, and I almost couldn’t do it: I got one knee up onto the platform at the back of the boat, and then…what? There are entire swaths of movement where I have to find a new way to do it, using one knee and two hands, and a fair amount of scooting around. It’s like being a toddler again.

And it isn’t just a matter of figuring out ways to do the movements WITHOUT the knee: I also have to SPARE the knee. That is, it’s not just that the knee is Not Helpful; it’s that I have to AVOID it and not accidentally kneel on it. The P.A. and the physical therapist both assured me that I will not DAMAGE the knee by kneeling on it (both of them said breezily that I never really NEED to kneel, and I would like them to try that out in their lives and see how it works for them), but it is very uncomfortable. I feel like I need to say more about how uncomfortable it is, because it is not pain per se (though it can hurt); the feeling is WRONGNESS. Intense wrongness. As if I AM doing harm. Body and mind both revolt at the sensation.

It does help to kneel on something soft, like a crumpled bath towel, which is what I do briefly each week in order to clean around the base of the toilet. But even that feels Pretty Bad, and I can do it only briefly.

For Day One of the 7-minute workout yesterday, I tried doing a knee-plank using one knee, with the other sort of hovering in almost the right position, and that did something to a stomach muscle that does not feel right on Day Two; I skipped the abdominal exercises because those muscles felt not sore but Wronged.

But I do feel good about working on these exercises again—in part BECAUSE I am so unable to do some of them. It feels like I am working on something Useful and perhaps Crucial. It also feels like it’s helping me work on figuring out how to move around differently, now that I need to, so that maybe I can move around more easily and naturally overall. Because pre-surgery I always defaulted to kneeling on my left knee in cases where I would drop to one knee, it took some real mental and physical work to get used to using the other knee; but I DID learn to do that—and I can learn to override the default for other movements, too.

We are in the second week now of me Not Being at the Library and, after the initial high of “I DON’T HAVE TO GO TO WORK!!,” I am in a bit of a slump. It is funny to me that in my last two weeks working there, I thought to myself things such as, “When I’m out of work, I will take really long walks! I will do that strength-training thing again, and restorative yoga! I will clean the whole house, systematically! Maybe I will learn a language!” Ha ha ha! Chucklehead. What I am mostly doing is reading, and scrolling, and feeling dazed.

So that this stage does not pull me down into lethargy and depression, I am thinking of this as a temporary reset and recharge. Yes, I am a frog on a log right now, but it is not indicative of moral failings, or of a pervasive inability to function. No. I am merely spending some time on the charging station. I am recuperating from what was a frankly dreadful experience, despite being mild on the universal spectrum of dreadfulness. I am taking my vitamins and drinking plenty of water and zoning out a little, as one does to fight off an illness.

I am trying to do several small manageable tasks each day, to keep from feeling as if I am someone who cannot even handle small manageable tasks. Today I discontinued a prescription Edward is no longer taking, which was on autofill and required a phone call to remove from autofill. AND I sent a birthday card to a friend, AND I wrote a letter to a former co-worker who writes a piece of snail-mail every single day as a hobby, AND I took those two pieces of mail to the post office as a way to make sure I left the house, AND I dropped off my library books in the bookdrop (TREPIDATION—but I did not see anyone and it was fine), AND on the way home I remembered to stop and put gas in the car! So as you can see, I am killing it and there is no reason for concern.

I think what might help is going back to the chart I used during the pandemic lockdown. I don’t remember the details but can probably find it. I remember it included exercise, reading, some kind of social contact, a household chore, something creative, etc. There are things I won’t do unless compelled by little checkboxes on a chart.

Speaking of dreams, last night I dreamed I accidentally went to work, and had worked for awhile before I remembered I wasn’t supposed to be there. So then I kept trying to leave before I got caught, but kept getting stopped: patron needing help, coworker wanting to talk to me, etc. It ended with my supervisor accusing me of doing it on purpose, and me getting very angry about the accusations—and then I woke up.

One of our cats has been hiding under our bed, which is not typical. Also, he is a boy who likes his chow, and he has not been showing up at meal times. After two days of this, this morning I took him to the vet, and she says his vitals are good and she suspects pancreatitis, which cats can get for a number of reasons, and doesn’t have to be a big deal, especially in a young and otherwise healthy cat. She gave him fluids and a couple of shots (anti-nauseant, anti-inflammatory, vitamin B-complex), and says that if he’s not better by Friday morning she wants to see him again, but that she suspects he’s going to be just fine.

But what I wanted to talk about was that when I called to make the appointment, I started crying on the phone. I was not particularly stressed or upset about the cat; I wanted to take him to the vet, yes, but he DID seem basically okay. The crying started as soon as the nice receptionist asked what was going on with him and I started trying to tell her—which of course initially made her think the situation was much worse than it was. It was embarrassing, and also frustrating.

I feel like perimenopause is really kicking my ass, emotional-regulation-wise. I have long had an issue with choking up when I am trying to talk about anything stressful or even just dramatic, but this is significantly worse than it was. Even with my phone issues, I used to be able to make appointments even for worryingly-sick CHILDREN without choking up. Now my voice starts shaking much earlier and much more easily and for much less reason, and turns to crying much sooner. I also get angry much more quickly and much more severely (e.g., going right to thinking “WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GET A DIVORCE!!”). Afterward I will be a little amazed, remembering how mad I got over something relatively minor, and feeling grateful I didn’t do anything rash (e.g., actually saying out loud “WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GET A DIVORCE!!”).

I am wondering if hormone replacement therapy would help. It feels like such a huge hurdle, though: I have to find a doctor who doesn’t still believe that debunked study from around 2000, and then I have to find out if they’re covered by my insurance, and then I have to make an appointment, and then I will very likely have to make half a dozen phone calls to straighten out the insurance, and UG.

Actually it doesn’t look all that terrible when I write it out (except for the insurance part, and that might not happen). I have a tab open for finding a menopause-certified doctor, and there are a few within reasonable distance. Probably they take my insurance, which is one of the most common ones. I don’t have a work schedule to work around, so figuring out an appointment time won’t be too difficult. And maybe it will go just fine! Maybe I will like the doctor and they will know just what to do, and the hormones will work, and there will not be too many negative side effects, and I will feel so much better!

Have you dabbled in hormones for perimenopause? WAS it a hurdle? DO you feel so much better? WERE there side effects?