I have a question. We have a groundhog. That is my question.

At first we found it charming and cute. Groundhogs ARE so cute. They’re so fat and sleek and waddley! And our yard has foxes and raccoons and songbirds and squirrels and chipmunks and hawks, and sometimes deer and skunks and turkeys and owls, and on one memorable occasion bears—so why not groundhogs?

Well. Because this groundhog can’t be reasonable. Two burrow entrances, three, FOUR—we still found it charming: we’re not prissy about our lawn. But then a crater a meter across and almost as deep, right in the center of our lawn, with a fifth (that we know of) entrance. My dude.

But what to do. Paul researched it through a wildlife preservation/rehabilitation site, which gave links to places that would relocate a groundhog safely and humanely. He has called all four. One has not returned any of his emails or calls. Another, it turns out, has relocated themselves safely and humanely to another state. The other two were like, WHO said we could relocate it?? They can trap it for us, so that we can relocate it ourselves (which does not seem to be possible/legal, and they had no ideas/leads for us; and when we asked follow-up questions, one of them said things like “Well, I’M not putting it in MY yard! I have a garden!”—which felt particularly unhelpful considering he SPECIFICALLY, VERBATIM, lists “groundhog relocation” on his website as one of the services he provides) (Paul ended up hanging up on him), or they can kill it. Those are the options. We can leave it where it is and let it do its thing, or we can kill it.

I am loathe to kill a living creature for the crime of living in the world and sharing the land we live on, which in a TRULY SIGNIFICANT sense is no more ours than theirs. THE EARTH BELONGS TO US ALL. But also: the groundhog is demolishing our shared property. ONE COULD SAY THE SAME OF HUMANITY, AND THIS PLANET!!!!! But also: right now we are talking about this groundhog, and our yard.

This reminds me of mosquitos. If mosquitos could just TAKE A LITTLE BLOOD, without LEAVING BEHIND A WELT THAT ITCHES FOR TWO WEEKS and/or MALARIA, I would be FINE with it. In fact, I would actively do my part: I would stand outside each day and allow, say, six mosquitos to sting me.

It reminds me of ants. If ants just CLEANED UP THE CRUMBS LEFT ON THE FLOOR, and didn’t have to INFEST THE ENTIRE STRUCTURE and/or INFEST THE FOOD IN THE PANTRY, we would coexist, and even be grateful to them for their service.

It reminds me of mice. If mice just lived cutely in our houses, and nibbled on crumbs and didn’t CHEW THROUGH WIRES AND INSULATION, we would probably be fine with it, I’d even be willing to leave out supplemental food/water for them! Though we might ask them to contain their droppings to particular areas.

It reminds me of rabbits. If rabbits would eat the food in one roped-off rabbit corner of the garden, instead of TAKING ONE BITE OUT OF EACH VEGETABLE/FRUIT, RUINING EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE, we would probably be okay with that. We would probably even have fun planting the rabbit section each year with new things for them to sample.

It reminds me of humanity. If humans could just LIVE ON THE PLANET and TAKE CARE OF THE RESOURCES THEY NEED TO LIVE, WITHOUT…….. Anyway, the groundhog. And maybe it is not ONE groundhog; maybe it is MANY groundhogs. We have only SEEN one groundhog at a time; we have never seen more than one. And yet, statistically: can it be only one? With five entrances to the burrow?

Apparently if you hire a service to kill the groundhogs, they block off all the entrances and put a very humane gas into the burrow to make sure they kill them all. Then they block up the burrow so you don’t get new animals moving in there. Don’t you wish sometimes that you could communicate with animals, to let them know what is at stake? “Listen, the first four entrances are fine. The fifth means we are seriously considering wiping out your entire family and then demolishing your house! Thought you would like to know what we’re thinking!”

So I am wondering if you have any…er, groundhog stories. And if you can tell me how they ended. Did you end up having to…..er.