The day before I gave my two weeks’ notice, I was still not sure I was going to give my two weeks’ notice. I’d started a resignation letter on Friday, and worked on it over the weekend, and left myself a “PRINT LETTER” reminder for Monday morning so I’d have a chance to look it over one more time before going to work.
Monday morning, I put the letter in an envelope and put it in my work bag. I told myself I could bring it with me but that didn’t mean I HAD TO put it on the director’s desk. I could abort the mission at any time, and recycle the letter and change the date and try again later, or never do it at all.
But when I arrived at work, I knew I was going to put it on the director’s desk: it was the way I felt in the parking lot about facing another Monday with this supervisor; the way I wished I’d put it on the director’s desk LAST week, so I’d only have one week left. My adrenaline was high and my heart was pounding—but it reminded me of something I read in a book about hoarders: that a hoarder’s highest level of stress is right before putting an item in the donate/trash pile. At that moment, still holding onto the item, they would describe their stress levels as nearly intolerable. But if asked again even just a few minutes after letting go of the item, they would describe their stress levels as nearly non-existent: it’s the moment of decision and letting-go that’s stressful.
I put the letter on the director’s desk. The VERY MINUTE after I did it, I felt peaceful and good. For AGES I’ve been stressed at work, holding the job over the trash can, not sure whether to let go; I let go of it, and my stress levels plummeted. I felt like I was breathing again. I could feel the air going into my lungs, and my lungs expanding into a roomier space than before. I felt floaty, buzzy, happy.
I knew there would be several more stressful incidents before this was fully over, but it felt like I was ticking them off one by one, and that there weren’t many more to get through. The next one happened that same morning: the director asked if I had a minute. We had a good talk: exchanging mutual goodwill, both of us saying we were sorry that it had come to this. She asked if I wanted an exit interview and I said hell yes, so that will be on my last day. I plan to use that discussion to make sure she understands exactly why I am quitting: HR said the behaviors I described would REQUIRE a manager to take action, and I want to make sure she heard those behaviors, instead of hearing only my emotions. She ended the meeting by saying she would notify my supervisor, HR, and the board of trustees of my departure. I left her office feeling like I had a wonderful secret. No one knew I was leaving except the director and me.
That afternoon right after work I texted my former supervisor, the one my current supervisor got rid of with a campaign much more severe than the one she ran against me. (He was at an intermediary level of management, between her and me, and his position has not been replaced.) He suggested an impulsive late lunch at the mall’s food court, and we vented about the supervisor and imagined karmic outcomes for her, and speculated about which employee she’d target next. We were giddy and vengeful. It was the perfect way to celebrate a two weeks’ notice.
I have continued to feel almost HIGH. After that most recent meeting with my supervisor, I hadn’t been able to drink coffee because I was baseline too wound up / adrenalized / heart-poundy. I’ve been On Something (prescription tranquilizers; sedating antihistimines; stress tea with kava; L-theanine; etc.) every single day at work since then, and still haven’t felt good/calm. The day after I gave my notice, I returned to normal: drinking coffee, not having to take anything to get through the shift. I go into each day feeling good, cheerful, flirty again with my coworkers. I am feeling sentimental about what I will be leaving behind, but of COURSE I am: it was a good job! It was! I’m not leaving because the JOB was bad! I LOVED the job! And yet overall, I am feeling happy when thinking things such as “This is my second-to-last Tuesday.” I am not feeling any regret. I am not feeling as if maybe I should have stayed. I am feeling as if I broke free from a tractor beam. I am feeling as if I found the key to the handcuffs, and used it while the captor was otherwise occupied, and got away free, and the triumphant music swelled, and everyone felt relieved and happy as I ran away into the cleansing rain.
I still haven’t told anyone at work that I’m leaving, and my supervisor hasn’t mentioned it to me—or, as far as I can tell, to anyone else. Her energy has changed significantly. As of last Friday I would have described her energy as plotting, manipulative, and sparklingly malevolent. Her energy as of Monday afternoon is hard to describe, but to throw out some approximations I’d say she has seemed off-kilter, unmoored, uncertain, unarmed, dazed. I think my continued failure to spread the news to other employees is throwing her off even more, and she doesn’t know how to behave. To take it further and speculate wildly about the workings of someone else’s mind, I’d speculate that she THOUGHT she was playing a game where she’d win if I quit; but when I actually quit, she briefly regained perspective and realized that for a manager, this was losing the game; she may also be worrying about what I might have told the director; and the director may have told her that I went to HR, which should worry her even more; she may be looking back over her own past behaviors in a new light. She may also have snapped into the reality of what this means for scheduling, and hiring, and training. She took an absolutely reliable and capable and fully-trained and self-managing and self-motivating employee with six years’ experience and chased her away; now she gets to deal with that fallout. I think she got caught up in the game and forgot about everything else.
I do plan to tell every single employee why I am leaving. I am working on the phrasing. I need something tidy, shruggy, accurate. Something that clicks into place when they hear it. Something MEMORABLE. Something that, ideally, comes to their minds when my supervisor targets another employee.
BRAVA! (clapping wildly!)
It sounds like you found the perfect time to give your notice, and the perfect way, too. I’m so happy for you you made it out of that tunnel! Your likening it to the hoarder anxiety to perfectly described what you went through, and it was like I could feel your relief and feeling of lightness through the screen.
I also appreciate that you made clear you are very happy and content with your decision. This situation felt a lot like when someone speaks about getting a divorce, and the question that arises for the listener is: celebration or heartbreak? Congrats or commiseration? I’m so glad that this landed pretty unequivocally on the “happy” side – and not just that, but also on the “satisfying conclusion”-side, too.
Because it does in fact sound like your supervisor is the dog that managed to catch the car, and is now realising that she has no plan for what comes after. Oops.
If you feel like putting some cliff notes on the biggest issues you’d want to warn your coworkers about/give as reasons for leaving (it all sounded unpleasant, but I’m sure some parts stung much more than others), I’m sure we’ll all have some fun with coming up with phrasing that’s both non-aggressive and memorable, and serves like a sleeper-alarm for the moment she starts her bull… on someone else.
I do wonder through how many pleasant, qualified, useful employees they’ll go before they decide to address the real issue. Either way, not your problem anymore – though it’ll be fun laying things out in your exit interview, I’m sure.
YOU DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Clearly it was the right decision. After I left the yoga studio I told you about in the last post, I had the same exact feeling of extreme relief and comfort, and the first day that I did not have to go in to that studio, I felt nothing but calm and happiness. I did wonder what took me so long but quickly moved on to “who cares, I did it.” I am SO glad and honestly, fuck that supervisor, I hope she panic panic panics and figures out that she made a HUGE mistake in being like that. Fuck her up the ass with a chainsaw. Wow, sorry about that imagery. Not literally. I am not suggesting we put a chainsaw up a woman’s ass and fuck her with it. I mean METAPHORICALLY. I am considering deleting this whole thing but no. I feel that it needs to be said.
Oh my god Nicole. I laughed for like three minutes, which does not sound like a long time, but it is a long time to laugh!
This was such a great laugh, Nicole! Haha thank you for not deleting it!
I’m sorry it came to you leaving a job that was good for a long time, but this is a DELICIOUS update. This is truly the stuff revenge / quitting / schadenfreude-y high road fantasies are made of, and I love this arc for you. And for her! Because she deserves to be unmoored and knocked off her petty-ass axis and facing the karmic dues of her terrible behavior!
I wohld say metaphorical ass fucking with chainsaws is currently necessary for a variety of Americans if we’re being honest
Swis! I’m proud of you and I can’t wait to hear about the exit interview!
I’m glad to hear that you feel good about this decision! And I’m also sad on your behalf that your library didn’t do more to resolve this situation before it got to this point. But out of all the possible outcomes here, quitting on your own terms and with minimal sadness/regret is far from the worst case scenario.
I remember what you said a few posts ago about how “I need to make a choice” doesn’t have to mean “I need to make a choice RIGHT NOW.” And I completely agree with that, but also, sometimes everything feels SO MUCH BETTER once the choice is made and set into action, even if (or maybe especially if) there was a lot of stressful build-up and deliberation. I am dealing with a similarly difficult choice right now, and I will try to follow your example.
Good for you! The sweet relief of a decision made! If you could bottle that feeling, you would… have to decide what to do with all your money lol.
Also, “I need something tidy, shruggy, accurate. Something that clicks into place when they hear it.” Say “[supervisor] is a bully and I don’t need that in my life” She bullied you (and your former supervisor), and that’s not ok.
Hoorayyyyy!! I am so happy for you! WELL DONE.
My job had a similar TERRIBLE vibe a few weeks back, but then we got word that the Most Terrible Person in the company (the CEO, oop) had been let go. I can tell you I danced around my home-office that day!
Congratulations!
Good for you!!
I started a comment on your last post and got distracted and never finished: years ago I did a yoga class where we did a “fallen angel” pose, wherein you stand on your tiptoes and spread out your arms and lean back a bit. The instructor said, “You may feel like you’re going to fall. But what if you fly?”
And that’s what I thought of your quitting dilemma: sure you may fall, but what if you fly? And now it sounds like that’s exactly what is happening–you’re flying. I’m so glad you feel nothing but relief, and I hope your next gig, whatever it may be, brings fulfillment and JOY.
Woohoo Swistle, you did it! Congratulations, I’m so happy to hear you’re already feeling relieved and and giddy and are getting to escape as the music swells :)
Bravo! Well done! So glad you have removed that burden from your shoulders.
“I am feeling as if I found the key to the handcuffs, and used it while the captor was otherwise occupied, and got away free, and the triumphant music swelled, and everyone felt relieved and happy as I ran away into the cleansing rain.”
That is the best I QUIT feeling in the world. That and sharing the feeling with someone who fell prey to the same captor and didn’t have such a cleansing rain outcome. Freedom shared is sweet indeed.
I am so glad for you!
[Yay! Kermit flailing wildly!]
I was, similarly, very nervous of actually “pulling the pin” on my retirement. But the supervisor had just informed me that I had to go back to working with my bully. So I just did it, and you are SO Right. It feels much better after you pull off the band-aid!
Congratulations!
Congratulations on your escape. I am definitely feeling relieved and happy for you!
Congratulations! Life is too short to endure totally avoidable, unnecessary stress brought on by weirdo, retaliatory managers.
Brava Swistle, you did it! I am SO glad for the reaction you are having. May you float through your remaining two weeks.
You know, to your point about the manager being off her axis. What “bad managers” don’t realize is, targeting employees and getting them to quit eventually turns back on them. One or two could just be the average of people who are not a good fit with the business. At some point, it becomes a pattern, and evidence the manager is bad, not the employees. To her I say, “Tick-tock.”
Congratulations!!! I am feeling JUBILANT for you, and am vicariously experiencing the sweet relief you described so poignantly. What a delicious turn of events! Your adoring fans can’t wait for the exit interview. I think we might have to bring popcorn when we read that post! Congratulations again, you truly made the right decision. And I admire how you’re doing your best to save future victims from her machinations. 🩷
I’ll make popcorn!
Just re-read this post and was reminded you are working on what to tell your co-workers. What about something like, “She targeted me and ran me off, just like she did with [other manager].” Then you say, “Wonder who she’ll go after next?” and shrug.
How delicious, that this is Not Your Problem anymore!
AMAZING! Well done!!!
YOU DID IT!!!! Suck on THAT, supervisor!!!!! I am eager for the exit interview.
Yay, congratulations! There is NOTHING better than leaving a bad job!! I had a terrible job in 2018 that I left in 2019 – I marched around the house the morning of my last day playing a kazoo and shouting “LAST DAY” for a good 10 minutes before I left for work that day, like there was a parade happening.
Yay! Enjoy that post-quitting euphoria!
I’m glad you are feeling better, having done the hard thing. Congrats.
“People quit bosses much more frequently than they quit jobs.”
Mazel Tov!!!
When I was debating discussing a problem with my manager with the director, a coworker said “people don’t quit jobs, they quit bad management.” I think that would be the perfect snappy line. Not gossipy but clear and concise.
As a fellow Melissa, I love this line and fully endorse it’s usage.
Awesome! What a nice update, I’m happy for you!
I recently left my job (for a similar reason) and even though it is stressful not having a job, thinking of going back there feels like lava in my stomach. I’m sending you lots of new job energy :)
I am interested in what you decided to come up with for telling your former co-workers. When I recently left a great job because of a bad manager I just told everyone that I had been very happy at the job until around x month (the month the manager started) and then things became stressful enough that I needed to look around for a new position. But I was never fully happy with that, as it seemed a little petty.
Yaaaaaas for good changes! I look forward to hearing about your exit interview!
Also (this may be a moot point), why did HR say a manager would be Required to address the issues you brought up about your supervisor, but then did not actually tell the manager To Do Something?