Things have been getting worse at my job. Twice my supervisor has had a sit-down meeting with me to scold/question me over something where I am not actually in trouble. That is, I have not done anything wrong, but she wishes to make me feel as if I have done something wrong. I have been able to retain the presence of mind to ask questions such as “Have I broken a rule?” and “Did I violate a policy?,” which helps, since she has had to say no.
In the most recent meeting, I said THREE TIMES that I did not understand why were were having the meeting. She “just wanted to understand” why I was “so upset” about a policy. “So upset” means that the other day she said something was fine, and I said I was not fine with it, actually; that was me being “so upset.” She added that she just didn’t understand why I was SO EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED. I explained some, and she kept shaking her head like it was all so weird to her, and that’s when I said I didn’t actually understand why we were having the meeting to talk about this again. We already had this meeting about the rule, and I understood that she was the boss and that she gets to make the decisions, and I was obeying her rules even though I didn’t agree with them. She circled back to exaggerating how “emotional” I’d been, and downplaying the negative effects of her rule. The third time I brought it back to BUT WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS MEETING, I said again that I understood she was in charge, and that I was obeying her rules; but that if she wanted me to agree that they were good rules, or if she wanted me not to resent having to follow rules I consider foolish, that’s not something she can have. That’s where we ended the meeting—except as we stood up, she said I should come to her with any other rules I didn’t feel were right. I said I had thoroughly learned that there was absolutely no reason to bother doing that.
Overall I felt I held my ground pretty well. But this brings things more to a head than they were before. She diminished my concerns, diminished my role. She said I wasn’t looking at the bigger picture—the things people who were there 40-60 hours a week would see. I said I didn’t see how micromanaging the page’s work priorities were bigger picture, and she swerved and said there’s no such thing as a page, we’re all library assistants. (Okay? But I am the library assistant assigned to the paging shifts, so.) She used Gotcha arguments: “If you care so much about customer service, we can make sure you get plenty of time on the desk.” (I said “That is not what I meant, and you know that’s not what I meant.”) She has implied that I want to do things a certain way because I am selfish and want to hog all the fun parts of my job for myself. She tried to blame the library’s director for these decisions, but I already talked to the director and the director says it’s all up to my supervisor. She tried to blame ME for the decisions, saying I came to them with the problem. (It’s true, I did, but the problem was my supervisor’s bad system, and I hadn’t realized they would “solve it” in such a ridiculous, senseless way that breaks more than it fixes, and then would not care when I gave feedback on those changes.) She has shown me that she will not budge, even on foolish rules where she gets lots of feedback explaining why they don’t work. She makes bad decisions and she sticks to them no matter what. She has lost all my respect. She is bad at her job, and apparently no one is going to stop her or get rid of her.
So the question is, can I continue working there. I love the work. I love most of my coworkers. I have never liked a job for more than 6 months, and I’ve liked this job for well over 6 years. The schedule and flexibility work for me, and it’s within walking distance of my house, and it’s all indoor work with climate-control. I am very good at the work, and the work is good for me both mentally and physically. It checks my preference for a Richard Scarry Community Job that everyone understands and likes the idea of.
But I’m starting to spend a fair amount of time outside of work agitating about work stuff. I have been documenting the way my supervisor is treating me—but I realized I don’t want to work for a company where I have to document how my supervisor is treating me. Plus, so much of it is these tiny things where it’s hard to explain why I’m even documenting it. An example: every other Friday, she hands out the paychecks to everyone who’s there; she puts mine in the drawer with the ones for the people who aren’t there. So tiny, right? Who even cares? But she’s doing a LOT of these little who-cares things, directed at me.
I think I have to leave. But I hate hate hate that this is how things are. I’m so resistant to the idea that I am the one who has to lose my job, when it’s someone else who is behaving badly.
I am remembering, too, what some of you have said in the past and I have found so extremely useful: “a decision needs to be made” doesn’t mean it needs to be made RIGHT THIS MINUTE. I can continue to coast. But it feels at this point like I am circling the inevitable.
I am a library trustee. Do you have those?
We are having some sort of unnamed employee situation that our director has turned over to HR (the town). Our library is union. Is yours? Have you tried going to the town? (At this point, what do you have to lose?) do you have a board of directors or trustees?
Having said all of that YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY BE ABLE TO KEEP YOUR JOB WHICH YOU LIKE AND ARE GOOD AT. FLIP THEM.
How do the other employees feel? Can you band together, union or no?
I also know an employee who quit due to unresolved issues with the Director and another staff member. She never came to us though. I should really get clarification about what our role is in that. We ostensibly hire the director. There is also not like a town handbook for this level of elected official. Because of course not.
This rambled. Ppppppfffffffttttt is what I really feel. Why are people like this?
I have no advice but it sounds like you handled the meeting absolutely perfectly and I am impressed with that!
Well this just sucks. You handled that meeting very well, though! Good for you for being as agreeable as possible while also staying firm.
If it was just those little who-cares things that were the issue, that would be one thing, but on top of everything it starts to feel like death by 1,000 paper cuts. Which is a TERRIBLE thing to imagine, yet is deeply relatable in that “I like my job but Hate This One Part and I Am Done” way.
It’s NOT fair that you have to be the one to lose your job when someone else is behaving badly.
I am posting this under a fake name because I am obligated to not criticize my former employer if I wish to keep my severance, which I do. However, as someone who just got laid off from a job in an extremely toxic environment, I wish SO MUCH that I had gotten to leave on my own terms.
I am pissed that the company leaders made stupid decision after stupid decision and my team is the one that paid the price. They all make tons of money and they all still have jobs. My team, which was great and worked so hard and produced so much revenue with no resources, well, we’re all out because the owner thinks they can replace us with AI and offshoring.
I’m sorry your manager is so terrible, petty and passive aggressive. You don’t deserve that. You handled that meeting perfectly though.
Ooohhh. I am angry for you too!
May they all step on Legos, barefoot, regularly.
I’m sorry your supervisor is such a petty pita (picked a peck of petty pickles).
Have you worked in a hospital/clinical/medical space before? I work on clinical trials and there is an entire job description that is filing clinical trial documentation in a trial master file (TMF), it’s usually called a clinical trial assistant or CTA. Does filing make your brain happy the way shelving books does? The files can be paper based but now more often they are electronic. I find the electronic version soothing but paper files make me insane in the membrane.
However much you are agitating over work stuff outside of work hours, I can nearly guarantee that your supervisor spends ten times as much energy agitated about you.
Here is my read on the situation: she’s bad at her job, and insecure about it (rightfully so). You are quite adept at your job responsibilities and have good common sense. Therefore her shortcomings are even more transparent to you. You intimidate her but the only recourse she has is to call you in for meetings and make weird little accusations about your level of emotions. And force you to get your paycheck in the office, I guess.
She sounds petty and immature and awful.
I would keep the job for six more years if it meant being a thorn in this woman’s side for that long. I would revel in it.
Yes to all of this. I sometimes whisper to myself, “I do all things through spite, which strengthens me.”
This is an excellent point. I’m retired but there were a couple jobs I just stuck with out of spite and because it annoyed a coworker. But that coworker was not my supervisor.
What a terrible manager! Before you leave, do you think it would be worth escalating to either a direct meeting with the supervisor with your (VALID) complaints, or to their supervisor? If that doesn’t help, that may make the decision to leave easier to make, if not to swallow. I am very impressed at you firmly holding your position and not allowing her to manipulate you into acting like this is somehow a you problem rather than a her problem.
Wow, way to hold your own in what must have been an incredibly stressful meeting! I’m so impressed! The unfairness of it all is galling!
A few thoughts:
What is your supervisor’s relationship like with the director? I worked in a library with a bad supervisor, and it wasn’t until she left that those of us who were suffering in silence found out we had all been miserable. After she left, things got SO much better, and everyone was so much happier.
It could be that the director doesn’t like her either, and will eventually do something about it. But the director sounds fairly ineffectual, so who knows. Before you quit, it might be worth going above your supervisor and having a frank conversation (with your documentation) with HER supervisor. I’m assuming that would be the director?
The other thought is whether you can wait her out. In the course of several years in library land, we had a huge amount of turnover. Is your supervisor relatively new to the library and not very rooted in the community? Could she be ambitious enough to be using this as a stepping stone to her next terrible job? She sounds like the type whose long term goal is to become a director.
Waiting for the problem to resolve itself might not be possible, but I just wanted to share how much a staff composition can change in a few years. Worst WORST case, if you leave, keep tabs on the place. Once she’s gone, you could consider working there again.
Third thought: is there another department you could transfer to where you would report to someone else? Your job would change but your quality of life would improve!
So sorry you’re dealing with this. My work life changed dramatically for the better when my supervisor left. Hoping this happens for you, too!
When I finally decided to leave a beloved job of 20+ years due to difficult managerial changes, I tried to use the motto of ‘but what if it all works out?’. Luckily for me it did, and I am happier than ever. I wish the same for you – that it all works out.
Uuurrrgh. First of all, you handled the meeting perfectly. She is in the wrong. And I agree with the commenter above, she probably feels threatened by your competence. Also, have you been there longer than she has? Whyyy are adults so petty and middle schoolish and unprofessional?? I realize the irony of saying this with deliberately incorrect spellings and multiple punctuation marks. I say hold out, you like the work, hopefully she will tank things for herself. But if it’s harming your mental health more than helping it, then quit, and make her look bad when you do it.
Have you thought about recording your “meetings” with the supervisor? If nothing else for peace of mind that she won’t be able to lie about how or what you said. It might also have the effect of making these meetings shorter or nonexistent if you pulled out your phone and said “I’ll be recording this meeting on my phone for my records” at the beginning of the meeting. If that makes you cringe like it does to me many states have a 1 party consent law where you can record a conversation you’re a part of without the knowledge of the other person.
…the decision doesn’t have to be made right now, and also, once you make it, it doesn’t have to be forever. Once she is gone (because surely someone like this cannot stand the test of time?) could you reapply and work there again?
May I present my favorite mindset for handling ridiculous people at work: Finding Things Funny.
You’re there to observe the circus! You follow the silly rules and laugh inside at how silly they are. Are there comically better ways to handle things that your supervisor should know? Yes! But alas, they are a silly carnival clown, so you just giggle a little.
Making things more efficient isn’t your job, so you just do the laughably ineffective work, because you’re paid for your time whether it’s a good way of handling it or not. You politely disengage from any power struggles your supervisor, you nod and smile, and you settle in for the show.
I have sometimes adopted the attitude of, I get paid either way… this is not a hill I’m gonna die on.
On the other hand, working with someone as petty as Swistle is at the moment, I lean more into what I call the Shawshank Redemption theory – at the moment, it’s just a few handfuls of dirt left outside that eventually creates a tunnel… The micro aggressions. The comments/actions are like little handfuls of dirt… That are creating a hole in a soul.
My thought was like this too, especially the boss’s comment about “feel free to let me know about other rules that are unfair.” I would just be smiling on my way out, saying “okay, I will!” The same way I say to my 3-year-old’s nonsense statements, “oh yeah buddy, sounds good!” Maybe the boss would not like this, so the next time I would say it in whatever less obnoxious way that would allow me to get out the door unscathed…
I am so sorry you are in this unnecessary, stupid situation. You did so well in that meeting. Your point about how it’s not enough that she makes the rules but also wants them to be liked is spot on.
Two things: as you well know, you can only control yourself. I agree it’s not right or fair that you leave a job that you otherwise love and enjoy. It is a death of a thousand cuts position. It’s one thing if there’s one toxic employee who doesn’t have power over you, you can work around it. But this woman does have power over you and you have tried everything within your power to change the situation and it’s not. You’re right, you don’t have to make a decision now, but the question is how long do you want to go on like this?
The other is I too had a job where I loved the work. But the office had a terrible, toxic culture. I held out, hoping for change, then had the realization it would not. So I dug in and focused on the work, refusing to let the assholes drive me out. I did that until I couldn’t anymore. I left and am doing similar work in a much better office culture. And I am happier without the mental load of trying to make an untenable situation work. Best of luck to you going forward.
I left my last job in 2020, and called it retirement because I could. But really, I just couldn’t take the petty nonsense from a co-worker any more. We’d had a micro-manager supervisor before, and she, as annoying as she was, had mostly kept a lid on the pettiness.
But then the supervisor retired. And upper management decided that we did not need an “on-site” supervisor, so we had one who was in another office a half-hour drive away – and he did come if needed. So that meant there was no one there to put a stop to silly petty nonsense; stuff you’d feel silly *calling* a supervisor about, but if one was there, wouldn’t have happened.
I lasted 18 months after that.
Retirement at 56 years old was better. I volunteer instead.
I am fully in favour (Canadian spelling) of walking away when something doesn’t feel like it fulfills your needs any more.
This feels like another example of my mother in law’s adage “people don’t leave jobs, they leave managers”. So frustrating and I’m so sorry!
I agree with those who say to document everything and escalate this – you have nothing to lose if you are potentially on your way out, anyway. If there is a Board, escalate to them. Also, agree that there is power in numbers if other employees can join you in your complaint.
Finally, think of the library’s goals (presumably patron satisfaction?) and come with evidence of how this supervisor is NOT contributing to broader organizational success due to her behaviour.
And – congrats – sounds like you were exceptional in the meeting.
So sorry you are going through this unfair situation – it definitely wears on one’s morale in a huge way.
100% agree with Beth- library goals and how these decisions are undermining the library’s mission is a very persuasive argument.
Power in numbers, too: a group of concerned employees has a bigger voice! It’s harder to shrug off a complaint when numerous people are backing it up.
I’m a library manager and at first I was like, what is this policy and why does swistle keep announcing it is bad but then I got to where she PUTS YOUR CHECK AWAY instead of giving it to you and I am now Team Manager sucks!
Any chance you can out wait her? How long has she been there?
Oh, and I can tell you the policy, too! Terms for things vary, but our library has a “pick list”—a list of things patrons have put on hold, which I am supposed to go fetch for them. The policy is that I must stop working on that pick list at 9:30, NO MATTER WHAT, and am not allowed to go back to it. Even if the only other task I have is reshelving; even if I have NOTHING to do, I still must stop fulfilling those requests at 9:30 a.m.
You may wonder what her justification is for making patrons wait extra days for their items for no reason. It’s “consistency and training.” No, she cannot elaborate. No, it doesn’t matter that every day is different, there IS no consistency, and we are all adults who are absolutely able to adjust to the different requirements of different days. No, it does not matter that we are not training anyone right now, and that I have been there six years and am at a competency level and time-management level that is significantly higher than new-hire. She has decided that we stop at 9:30, so we stop at 9:30.
We have patrons who put items on hold on Saturday afternoon, and they come in on Tuesday morning and those items still aren’t ready for them. My supervisor, when confronted with this, says “They can wait” and “We can’t be leaping up to do everything the instant anyone wants something.” (LITERALLY NO ONE is suggesting we leap up the instant / provide immediate service; I am suggesting that I complete the pick list once per day.)
That is insane. If I were a customer of a business that was being run like that, I’d never shop there again. I realize a library isn’t Trader Joe’s, but still.
Ok this is INSANE.
Where I’ve worked, the holds list is the most important priority, and the regular shelving would happen after everything else that needs to be done gets done. Holds are things people actively want! And I know I’m preaching to the choir, but the number of holds varies dramatically! If we were closed for a weekend or a holiday, the list was huge! And it’s a top priority! What an extremely dumb, arbitrary rule!
Plus, in this era of instant fulfillment, people totally come in 10 minutes after placing a hold online and are surprised the book isn’t already waiting for them! Has your manager ever worked in a library before?! Ok, sorry to fan the flames, just feeling incensed on your behalf!
ISN’T IT CRAZY??? It is driving me crazy. It is so OBVIOUSLY the priority!!
Oh. my. God.
“I am concerned about the patron impact of this policy, but I am MORE concerned about my supervisors ability to recieve feedback from frontline staff on arbitrary policies and CUSTOMER SERVICE IMPACT”
I’m copying your phrasing for when I have to talk to the director.
Just a thought that popped into my mind upon reading what this policy actually is; Do you have friends who are patrons? Can they submit complaints to the library about the wait time for Holds? At least that would bring the issue to the attention of your director/library trustees in a customer service/community reputation manner.
Probably just a band aid instead of fixing the root of the problem, but maybe that’s step 1 to getting rid of this incompetent manager!
I love the way you’re thinking. Hm hm hm, I might be able to do something with this.
Okay, I wasn’t going to comment, but I am a librarian and the idea that anyone associated with a library would push for a policy that needlessly prolongs patron wait time is making my blood boil just a little bit. This type of attitude is how libraries get pushed to the sidelines and eventually disappear entirely (hopefully not, but the future can seem bleak sometimes).
I also second the idea of pushing for both better customer service (aka completing the pick list!) AND that a library supervisor wouldn’t factor in or respond well to front line worker feedback, especially when it would help improve patron experience (aka the reason why libraries exist!)
It’s making me crazy. The Head of Children’s was so upset by it that she went to talk to the director—who sided with my supervisor. It’s possible she has sided with my supervisor only because she has heard what the SUPERVISOR says is the issue (she has not talked to me), and that that portrayal of the situation was false; but that itself would be its own serious problem.
That is crazy. I’ve worked at 3 libraries and my mother was a librarian. You complete the pick list. Every day. No exception. Her policy makes no sense!
Thank you for sharing the policy, I was dying to know what it was! I have been a librarian for twenty years and was a library page for seven years before that and this is the weirdest most indefensible practice I’ve ever heard of. Your boss is terrible and so is the director.
It is so GRATIFYING AND VALIDATING to have other library people saying it’s a bad policy!! I was starting to feel like I must be losing my mind when both the supervisor and the director were defending it!
How old are your co-workers who are *not* being treated badly? Is it possible that you are a victim of age discrimination? You still seem very young to me, but in the US age discrimination protections begin at 40. It’s good that you’re collecting evidence of how she’s treating you but you might also want to track how she’s treating other people.
I mean, it’s also probable that your supervisor is an insecure petty gobshite, but you’ve raised 5 teenagers. You can out-stay and out-petty one pathetic woman if you wish.
I wonder if you could ask the director to approve a summer sabbatical. Say that you’ve been there for 6 years and you need an unpaid break to avoid burnout, but you’d like the option to return to the role, or at least be notified and given preferred consideration if the role reopens in the future. As you say, you have a lot of competency that a new hire would lack, and it’s a role that seems likely to typically higher turnover than once every 6 years.
That sounds awful. I am really sorry you are in this situation.
It sounds like she is actively trying to bully you so that you’ll quit. I fully understand “I don’t want to work at a place where I’m documenting who shitty she’s being” but as long as you can stand it PLEASE DO DO IT and send it to the Boss or to HR saying “hi she has been doing this and creating a Hostile Work Environment (specifically use those words) and making me feel like she’s trying to get me to leave”.
Also consider sending a letter to Ask A Manager, she’s really smart with her advised strategies.
I am finding this argument compelling. I am going to try to stay at least long enough to document some things, and to leave statements.
I would not agree to meet with her again without another employee present – you could phrase it is there seems to be some disconnect (necessitating beating these topics to death due to your emotions – GRRR) and you would like an impartial ear present. That way she would be forced to explain her ridiculous theories with someone else present, exposing herself.
One of my coworkers said the same thing, and I think it’s absolutely correct.
This sucks! Is it possible that you have a “friend” at work that you have talked to about the issues privately who is actually not such a good friend but more like a snitch? If you haven’t been complaining to your boss lately but she is still bugging you about what your “problem” is, she may be hearing things from somebody else. Or maybe others are also complaining about the same things and she heard from you first so she blames the rabble rouser:) In any case, I’m so sorry she’s ruining your beloved work. But I’m with the people who say wait her out. The issues aren’t out-right abuse so the idea of laughing at it all behind her back sounds preferable to sacrificing your perfect job. Screw her!