Here is a little struggle I have. If Good Store sends me a 20% off code (SUMMER) for their coffee/tea; and I buy the 5-pound bag of coffee, which is a considerable savings per ounce over the 12-ounce bags (5 pounds, which is 80 ounces, costs approximately the same as two-and-three-quarters 12-ounce bags, or 33 ounces; it’s $.86/ounce vs $2.08/ounce); and I use my “dots” (little reward points that accumulate from purchases) to get free shipping; and of course I got the 20% off as well; then am I really doing much good? I saved so much on the order, I’m not sure there was any profit left to go to the good cause. What is the point of me “shopping to benefit charity” if I am going to reduce the charitable aspect as much as I possibly can? But…I would not have placed the order without those discounts (at a certain price, I start thinking I should just buy my usual $.50-.65/ounce grocery-store sale coffee and send a donation check to the charity), and I am a shopper who is much more likely to keep shopping at a store (especially for gifts, where I’m more willing to spend) once I’ve been lured in by deals. Plus, here I am telling you about it, and perhaps some of you will end up shopping there, too, and maybe that’s a factor. (This is an affiliate link which will give you $10 off and give me some dots.) Well, I am going to have to let the store decide what’s worth it to them.
I can add that Edward liked his 6-month sock subscription (Christmas gift) so much that he asked for another 6-month subscription for his birthday. If we’d known that in advance, we could have saved money (one pair of socks’ worth of money) with a 12-month subscription—but we did NOT know that, and COULDN’T have known it without trying it. There’s the issue of whether someone will like the fit and feel of the socks, and also whether they will like/wear the surprise designs. Edward was yes and yes, but if he’d had a no in there, we would have been glad we’d gone for the 6 months instead of 12.
I keep inadvertently having my social gatherings stacked up together: nothing for a month, and then two in the same weekend. This past weekend, I went to dinner at the house of my former library supervisor—NOT the supervisor who caused me to quit, but the one who ALSO left because of the bad supervisor. Also invited was a former mutual coworker, and another of THEIR mutual coworkers I didn’t know and was nervous to meet—but it went beautifully and it was a great evening and I have a new potential friend now. People used to meet other people like this all the time.
I think I probably prefer restaurant get-togethers over dinner at someone’s house, though. It WAS nice to see the house (I like to be able to picture people in their habitats), and it’s nice not to have bill-splitting issues or to feel like we might be hogging a table for too long—but I didn’t like that one person did all the work, and then we all left and one person had to do all the clean-up. We could take turns hosting—but the thing is, we’re not going to do that, for various individual reasons (the other people in the home; embarrassed about house; no room for guests; doesn’t really cook). We could theoretically help clean up, but it is excruciating to try to help out in someone else’s kitchen. We could try a potluck, but we all live fairly far from each other (45-minute drive) and that makes things tricky.
Anyway, then the next night I went to a get-together of my wine-and-appetizers group. It’s hard to find a time when everyone is available, so twice now we’ve tried smaller get-togethers (three or four people instead of aiming for at least six of the eight), and in my opinion they’ve gone really well and we should keep doing that, in between the larger events. Everyone gets a chance to talk, and there’s more room for long-form talking if someone has a particular situation going on. I’d say the main downside is that it’s a more precarious situation: if two people are planning to attend and then one is unable to make it after all, now we have an entirely different one-on-one dynamic that maybe nobody wants but nobody wants to say so; or perhaps the hostess ends up with NO ONE showing up, and that does not feel good. When we have seven or eight people planning to be there and two duck out, everything is still fine.
We usually cycle through hosting in my group, although I will say that I and another woman take on the bulk of hosting. I don’t mind generally because it’s usually an afternoon thing that is casual, but a few times we have done a potluck appetizers kind of party. I like hosting, even with the cleanup and prep work. I like having it in my home, I like not having to drive anywhere, I like not worrying about Rex, and I like cooking.
Also in my group, if more than 2 people cancel we reschedule!
In our group we take turned hosting or choosing a restaurant, depending on the person ‘in charge’ that month — but we are 5, and we have been 5 meeting monthly for 27 years, and we ALWAYS try to reschedule even if one cannot make it. Girl Time (Old Lady Time?) is important!!
For our book club we usually require three members minimum or we cancel.
This is a good rule set ahead of time so no one feels bad!
I get invited to a lot of restaurant fundraisers; I will only partake if I really like whatever it is. I’m also fine with making a donation to the cause separately. I think you’re still doing some good with your coffee deal (if you like it well enough) because the seller is surely getting a tax advantage for the amount that gets lost to shipping and donation that would have been profit. They’re doing it for the intangible of good will as well. Charity and commerce are tricky companions, though, and we each have to find our way.
I understand the urge to optimize everything at all times, but it can become a bit of a trap. I think it’s a great feeling when it turns out to be possible, and very stressful when it does not. Sometimes all you can really do is be glad of any savings over full price, and not sweat the costs of doing business.
If my group that meets every 6-8 weeks has too many cancellations, we reschedule. It’s always at one person’s home because she has the most busy schedule, and we do sometimes have to change it because something came up for her. She doesn’t mind cooking (or her husband who loves to cook will make us something) but we’re all completely open to pizza and ice cream if that’s the way the day shakes out. It doesn’t have to be hard, we just have to see each other sometimes.
I love to host…don’t get too many opportunities since everyone is busy, but when I do host people ask if they can bring something and that’s great. I don’t mind the prep and the cleanup because I am just happy they wanted to come to my house!
I, too, don’t like to have people in my house. When I meet up with friends it’s always at restaurant or coffeeshop. Similarly, I am often glad that my book club meets at the library. I probably wouldn’t be in a book club if it meant I had to host.
I love hosting, I love to cook, and I love having a space (finally) that is nice and allows for a decent group dynamic. My partner and kid are generally amenable (if it’s a just me group) or generally enjoy it (if it involves them).
Some things, such as book club, is pot luck but the host probably does a little more. Sometimes I want to do the entire thing (I have a vision). We know there are people who will NEVER host and that’s okay. But overall I think that if someone has organized the get together and invites you, or volunteers to host the gathering at their place, then they know what they’re getting in to and are up for the work (for all the various pros and cons you laid out.)
We love to host and cook, and the closer I get with people the more comfortable I am thinking of something they could “bring to help”. In my mind it’s more of a gift to them to let them feel helpful more than something I actually need. Like I did chicken fajita tacos last time and I told a friend she could bring chips and salsa. Easy and she was glad to have a job, but we didn’t really need the appetizer/side if she forgot.
For us, we have the youngest child in the group with a two year old, so I like to host because I can put him to bed then keep hanging out and chatting. We let the older children stay up and play together. If we go elsewhere we just have to leave once he’s at his limit and I don’t really get to chat.
Also, I am a nervous nelly parent so with young children I like to be in control of the environment and know there are no, well, guns, or random unsafe things in the house or backyard that I know my kids would get into or fall from. I used to say my house was the safest one around: no guns, pool, or peanuts.