Today I am going swimsuit-shopping. I know your thoughts will be with me at this very difficult time.

This has been looming ever since last summer, when I put on my swimming suit right before a swimming commitment and thought, “Oh geez, this no longer works, maybe a t-shirt over it or something?” Later I took it off gratefully and with no small difficulty, thinking “I have until next summer to find another suit.” And lo, that time loometh. Swimsuit emails have been arriving for a couple of months.

But I did not feel fortified for this terrible task until I read a post on plus-size swimsuits by my blog-friend Wendy. I will not usually link you to slideshow posts, but this one is Full-On Worth It. I was just about collapsing with frustration yesterday trying to shop for a plus-size suit when half the models are not even CLOSE to plus-size. Like, how on earth can I tell how this suit would fit on ME?:

(image from roamans.com)

And this is on a site specifically for plus sizes. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to want to see it on someone with upper-arm fat. And thighs that not only touch but snuggle up like the cozy besties they are. IT IS A SITE FOR PLUS-SIZE CLOTHING. THEY DON’T EVEN SELL NON-PLUS SIZES. How many clothespins did they have to use to fit the suit on someone so much smaller than the minimum size they sell??

FIRST: I have been trying to get a phone case off of my phone for three days. Intermittently, I mean. Not without ceasing. I got a new phone, and so I needed a new case, and then Paul put the new case on without taking off the sticker on the back of the phone, so then the sticker showed through. But then I couldn’t get the case off. Paul tried and ended up damaging it, leaving a small sharp point on the top. So I searched online and found this video by I think a child, with an idea of how to do it, and it totally worked. (I showed it to Paul, who suggested I might want to start attending the Technology for Seniors class at the library. HE COULDN’T GET THE CASE OFF EITHER.) I have an android phone and that may be why I had to slide the card down to the bottom corner rather than up to the top corner, but it totally popped the case right off. (Idea starts at 0:50.)

Second, speaking of phones, my mom needs suggestions for phone games. She likes a very particular type of game: the kind where you play the same game over and over with varying degrees of success, NOT the kind where you endlessly level up. So for example, her top favorite game is Solitaire: you play the same game over and over, and sometimes you win and sometimes you lose and sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s hard, but you don’t then level up, you just start over.

It isn’t that it can’t level up at all. Back at Christmastime, she liked that ornament-smashing game on the Jacquie Lawson Advent Calendar: as you complete each level it goes to the next—but it only goes to level five or something, and it’s always the same five levels. Maybe sometimes you get through all five and then you win; maybe other times you only get to level two or three or four before you lose; but it is always the SAME levels, again and again.

She likes Candy Crush pretty well, but doesn’t like that it endlessly levels up with new challenging features. She’d be happier if Candy Crush was a five-level game where you always start at level one and see if you can get to level five without losing a life. (Sometimes Candy Crush has special mini-games like that—but they’re temporary, and they change.)

If you are thinking, “Why doesn’t she just play the first five levels of a game over and over?,” that is something she has thought of, but it lacks the satisfying quality of a game that is supposed to be played that way: she has to keep track herself of the levels, and it doesn’t tell her she’s won if she makes it to the fifth level, and she knows she is SUPPOSED to keep going. It’s all wrong.

So she and I are wondering if you can suggest more games of the sort she likes.

Let’s say you are having people over for an Easter Egg Hunt. Let’s say that while the children hunt for eggs, you are serving buckets of mixed candy (one bucket for chocolate items, one for fruity items) to the adults. What boxed wine would you pair with that?

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I would like to buy some lawn chairs.

1. They should be able to hold a nice big person, without that nice big person feeling as if the chair might collapse under them. (“Something collapsing under me, actually or apparently because of my weight” is one of my Top Anxieties.) (It happened to me once with someone’s picturesque tree swing. That memory plays in my mind as if from an observer’s point of view, which is how you know it’s one of the worst ones.)

2. They should fold up or stack for storage.

3. It would be nice if they had cup holders.

4. I don’t like the kind with leg rests, but I might like to have one of that kind for anyone who DOES like that kind.

5. Bonus points for assorted pretty colors, but you should suggest it even if it only comes in boring, limited colors.

The doctor said she would order an endoscopy, and that the endoscopy people would call me to schedule it. If I didn’t hear from them by Friday, I should call her back.

I didn’t hear from them by Friday. I called her back Monday. (…Okay, I called her back a week after that, because I didn’t want to call and I was still hoping to hear from the endoscopy people without having to do this.) I was on hold long enough to fill the dishwasher, finish William’s driver’s ed paperwork, empty the dish-drying rack, go downstairs for a new roll of paper towels and box of matches, and put away a Target bag of stuff I never got around to putting away yesterday.

The receptionist came on the line. She said oh, yes, sometimes the scheduler doesn’t get around to calling, but I could call the scheduler myself to get the process going more quickly. She gave me the number.

I called the number. I was on hold for long enough to get out my insurance card, tidy up the bathroom, and start dealing with the Mail Pile on the counter. The person who picked up the line had no idea what I was talking about. No idea at all. She could not really believe I was calling her, or why. She said they don’t have access to any of that information. She said they can only do what the doctor instructs them to do. She asked incredulously did I even know which doctor was doing the endoscopy? I said I did not. I repeated that my doctor’s office had told me to call this number. I added that my doctor had forwarded the information; was there any way to access it from there? No, this was impossible. They don’t even SCHEDULE endoscopies from this number, they only REGISTER them. …Okay, I have no idea what you are talking about, I guess I am the only one in the history of time who has been given this number by a doctor, I guess alllllll the other patients know exactly who in the GIGANTIC COMPLICATED MEDICAL SYSTEM to call about what, thank you for less than nothing and also for the unpleasant attitude as if I’m the idiot here rather than someone who is JUST FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS. (Actual Swistle words: “Okay! Well, thank you anyway, I guess I’ll give them a call back! Bye!”)

I had a little frustrated almost-weep. Watched Upside Down & Inside Out for distraction and a mental re-set. Went to the phone. Called my doctor. Was on hold long enough to play two rounds of Candy Crush. Their on-hold information recording has deteriorated considerably, and now sounds like “Here at bzztt bz pssshhhh YOUR HEALTH Is the bzt bzt bsssssstttss in your hands! Come to our pss psss pssssssssss BZT for convenient online ZZT bssssttsss….dot com!” Talked to someone else this time, so had to re-explain the situation.

She looked in my file and found that the information/order had been sent to a particular GI doctor at the end of March. She said they absolutely should have called me by now. She suggested I contact that office directly. She gave me the number. I called that office. A receptionist picked up with a tone of voice that communicates what a burden it is to have to deal with patients: “Good morning this is Nancy can you hold please there are two calls ahead of yours.” I held. After a minute, the call disconnected. I called back. “Good morning this is Nancy can you hold please I am dealing with a patient.”

I held. I was on hold long enough to adjust the time on the one-minute-off microwave clock, even though that meant consulting the manual. Thank heavens, though, it wasn’t Nancy who finally got back to me, it was friendly-sounding Lauren. “Hi! Have you been helped?” I said not yet, and she said, as if she would really be happy to do it, “Okay! How can I help you?”

I told her that my doctor had told me to call, and why. She was puzzled, but game to figure out what was going on. She looked in the computer and found me, and confirmed that they had all the information and the referral. But… “We have a scheduler who does all the scheduling. So I’ll leave her a message and she’ll call you, okay?”

I spent more than half an hour on the phone with FIVE different people to be almost exactly where I was before: waiting for a scheduler to call me. It was frustrating, I spent a lot of time on hold, and I didn’t encounter a high percentage of people who could do anything except give me another number. I had one conversation with someone who seemed actually hostile, and two brief encounters with someone who hates her job. I am left mentally arguing with EVERYONE. Except Lauren. Lauren was really nice.

Do you know who I love? Hardly anyone. But in that small number I include plumbers. Also the people who come to change a flat tire. I have encountered both of those people this week, and I love them both. I have added them to my Christmas Card list. Whenever I am blue, I will picture that guy kneeling in front of my flat tire, asking the tire earnestly if it is seriously going to fight him every step of the goddam way. Or that other guy kneeling in front of the broken sump pump in his careful, taking-no-chances, 2-inches-above-the-jeans underpants. Guys Kneeling and Fixing Things is a coffee table book I would buy.

I have seen lists of things all adults should be able to do (debone a chicken! sew a shirt! deliver a baby! start a fire without matches! mix a perfect martini! caulk a tub! iron pleats! drive a stick shift! change a tire! hotwire a car!), and I hard-disagree with all of them, starting with the presumptuous tone and ending with the listed items. By all means, learn things you WANT to know how to do, or personally NEED to know how to do, but there is no reason to run out and acquire the particular skills the clickbait author came up with, making it an even 10, 20, or 30 so they could turn it into a snappy title. (I know it should be “bone a chicken,” not “debone a chicken.” But really at this point in the English language it should be changed to debone. So I’ve changed it.) (I also know that “who” in the first sentence of the post should be “whom.” But it always sounds wrong, and also snooty. I’m changing that too.)

Some of the things on the lists are outdated: it takes awhile for older generations to stop insisting that the younger generations learn things they no longer need to know. (I for one will have a hard time giving up on cursive writing.) I was glad my dad made me learn to drive a stick-shift back when a lot of people had stick-shift cars, but now it is really rare to encounter a stick-shift and really common to encounter people who think everyone should know how to drive one Just In Case, because THEIR dads made them learn how to drive one Just In Case. But we are now at least one generation past that time; it’s like saying everyone should know how to use a pencil to fix an unwound cassette tape. (I can imagine similar lists in previous generations. Absolutely EVERYONE should be able to: recite one performance poem from memory; speak conversational French; fashion a bandage from an old petticoat; darn a sock; pull an abscessed tooth; deliver a breech calf; disassemble and clean a simple pocket watch; make a good plain meal on the cook’s night out; gentle a horse; testify effectively in a witchcraft trial.) The ONLY TIME I have ever been called upon unexpectedly to use my stick-shift skills was when the pharmacist wanted to treat the pharmacy staff to coffee and doughnuts, but he couldn’t leave the pharmacy and needed someone to drive his car so he wouldn’t have to mess with reimbursing mileage. I was the only one there who could drive a stick-shift, so I did the coffee/doughnut run. SAVING LIVES. I think people should learn to drive a stick-shift if their car is a stick-shift, or if they WANT to learn to drive a stick-shift, or if they have reason to believe they have more than the usual likelihood of being called upon to drive a stick-shift.

For other, more currently-useful items on the list, I think we don’t ALL need to know how as long as SOME of us do. Let’s SPECIALIZE and then SHARE OUR SKILLS FOR CASH OR BARTER. I do not want to take the bones out of the chicken. It would take forever and I would hate it and it would be messy. Let’s give that job to an expert wearing a company smock they won’t have to personally launder. They can do fifty chickens in the time it would take me to do one, and then we can all take home our packets of boneless chicken and spend our time doing happier things we’re better at.

Or I certainly COULD learn to change a tire or change the oil, but I’d prefer not to. I’d like the person who changes the tire to be someone who has done it THOUSANDS OF TIMES and so will get it RIGHT. I don’t want to do it a few times to learn it, and then wait a few years, and then suddenly have to remember how to do it on a dark scary road in the rain, when I’d rather be inside the car with the doors locked waiting for the guy to arrive and swear at the tire for me. And it’s more sensible for the person who changes the oil to be someone who has all the equipment (including the coverall that only improves in appearance with a few sexy oil stains) and can handle the whole task quickly, neatly, and efficiently. And then they can dispose of the old oil easily, because they have a whole system for that. In a TRUE OIL-CHANGING/TIRE-CHANGING EMERGENCY, like in a dystopian future where roadside assistance no longer exists, I will read the manual. Or I will find someone who already knows how to do it, and I will barter. I have many jars of peanut butter. Or I can name a baby. Or I can listen attentively and responsively to a really boring story.

Here is something I would like input on, and I think it will be a refreshing surprise: men’s socks. I have a few men-people on my list who wear a kind of sock I think of as a trouser sock, but it’s not the super-dressy, ultra-thin kind of trouser sock. It’s more a decorative, comfy kind of trouser sock. Here are the brands I have bought in the past:

(image from Amazon.com)

1. Happy Socks. I find these at Amazon (be careful on Amazon: some of the surprisingly-inexpensive listings have complaints about the socks seeming to be bad-quality knock-offs) and Marshalls and TJ Maxx. I usually spend $3-7 per pair: it varies because sometimes I find them on clearance, and sometimes I’m willing to pay more for a particularly good pattern. I prefer to buy the pairs individually to have more control over pattern choice, but the sets can be really cute too, and they come in very appealing boxes. Here is what I like about Happy Socks: (1) the name of the brand, (2) the colors/patterns, (3) the highish cotton content (78% is what the Amazon listing says, and that’s what it says on a couple of pairs set aside in my Gift Closet).

(image from Target.com)

2. Pair of Thieves. I buy these at Target. They’re $6/pair, but it’s not uncommon to find them on sale for $5 or on clearance for $3. I like the patterns less overall than the patterns of Happy Socks, and also I like the name less. And they have a slightly lower cotton content: the pairs in my Gift Closet vary from 68% to 71%. But I like their packaging and their marketing: I find their performance/fit claims persuasive even without trying them myself, and I find it appealing that they sometimes sell sets of one pair of men’s socks with one pair of matching kid socks. (The kid socks are also sold separately, and I buy them for Edward and Henry when I find them on clearance, and they like the socks, so that also influences me.)

But here is what I am wondering: Are there BETTER options? By “better” I mean “more comfy/luxurious.” What I am specifically looking for is personal recommendations. That is, more “My husband/father/brother LOVES these.” And don’t be shy about PRICE: I am willing to spend MORE per pair and get fewer pairs, when it’s gifts.

Things I continue to love, year after year:

Bath & Body Works lavender-vanilla scent. I just searched “lavender vanilla” in my archives, to see if I could find when I first mentioned it: 2007, when I was pregnant with Henry and was having trouble sleeping. Henry is turning 10 this year, and I just placed another order for lavender-vanilla lotion and body wash (Bath & Body Works is having a buy-1-get-1-free sale). [Update: the scent has changed, and I don’t really like it. I am sad.] I wish so hard I could still buy the shampoo/conditioner, but they discontinued it ages ago; I bought a whole bunch of the conditioner on eBay and I try to USE it and not hoard it. I have sniffed many, many bottles of things marked “lavender vanilla” but I ONLY like the Bath & Body Works one; and I like NO other scents from Bath & Body Works. I would never have found it except that Paul’s sister gave me a gift set one Christmas, I think when I was pregnant with the twins or maybe the Christmas after they were born.

Sense and Sensibility, the version with Hugh Grant and Emma Thompson. A few years ago I was studying some Jane Austen as a way to dig myself out of crippling boredom. (Here is my syllabus for Sense and Sensibility, if you want to do the same.) I still had the movie on hand, and… This sentence needs to start again, because it is several sentences: We usually watch tv while we eat dinner, and Paul is in charge of selecting what we’re going to watch. Earlier this week, he said he was out of ideas, and I said I would choose something. (This turned out to be as startling to him as when we are going somewhere together and I get into the driver’s seat, which makes me resolve to do both things more often.) Anyway, I picked Sense and Sensibility, thinking it would PROBABLY bore the children but maybe not. And it did bore Henry, but all the other four really liked it. (They also liked counting how many Harry Potter actors were in it.) And I liked seeing it again, and possibly I was a little annoying because I kept pausing it to share my wisdom: “You see, this is because it was WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE for a young lady to send letters to a man unless she was engaged or married to him!” Anyway I just loved it. Again.

Cadbury Eggs. The large creme-filled kind and the small solid ones with the crispy shells. This is the best time of year for candy. (By the way, last year I bought a whole bunch of Cadbury Creme Eggs right at the end of the season, so that I could continue to eat them for months. This did not really work. You might think the reason was that I ate them all the first month, and this is not an unreasonable guess—but actually it was that they are much better eaten fresh, and significantly less yummy if eaten in, say, July. The creme filling separates or else crystallizes, and the chocolate has a stale flavor.)

I am feeling a bit grim today. Part of it is that Elizabeth decided to do track. I am glad that when she told me yes she DID want to do it, I had a genuinely glad feeling: I think that kind of thing SHOWS. But as soon as I started filling out the forms (I’d waited: I knew they’d be bad, and I didn’t want to do them if it was going to turn out I didn’t have to), my despair returned. You know how pretty much every year I complain about the summer-camp forms: they ask for things they shouldn’t need to ask for; they say contradictory things; they ask for the same information on multiple different pages; they try to act as if they can force you to sign the “I’m totally fine with it if you kill my child, and in fact it will be my own fault!” section. The school athletic forms are similar. And then there was this long list of things to put onto the calendar, after several paragraphs of rather aggressive language about how they MUST not miss ANY events, and how ANY missed practices MUST be explained IN WRITING (OH I’M SO SORRY SHE ALSO TAKES TRUMPET LESSONS AND CAN’T DEVOTE HER LIFE EXCLUSIVELY TO TRACK). Well, I had many good years of no one doing sports.

Also, Rob quit his part-time job. He did so with my FULL SUPPORT: the company was being crappy. (Rob, with damp eyes: “What would you say if I said I wanted to quit?” Me: “I’d say DO IT.”) But I’ll be feeling a little under the weather for awhile as I mentally attempt to fight his battles for him and also apparently take this opportunity to relive all my own bad work experiences. When he quit, they gave him a hard time about it, saying things like, “Life lesson for you: this is not okay.” I feel like MURDERING. Paul is taking a turn at playing the role of Chill Parent here, saying that speaking of life lessons this is a really good set of them for Rob. Some companies suck: you don’t have to believe them when they tell you YOU are the one that sucks for not giving into their sucky demands. And sometimes you DO have to work for a sucky company for one or more various reasons, but this is not one of those times.

Also, and it took me awhile to put a finger on this, but watching The Good Wife is making me feel a little icky. She is so BUSY and PRODUCTIVE and VALUABLE. She works so hard, while looking so pretty and fashionable! She’s so calm and pleasant with her children, and so tough and unflinching in court confrontations! She gets so much DONE! She fights for justice from dawn to dusk, and often through the night! And I am sitting on the couch, eating Easter candy and watching her do it, feeling burdened if I have to make a single slightly-uncomfortable phone call.

Well. Enough pity party. (Though feel free to use the comments section to keep the party going.) I am going to go drop off Elizabeth’s forms at the pediatrician’s office so they can handle their annoying part of this process, and then I am going to assemble a sweet little drawered cart I got this weekend on a great mark-down (it looks kind of like this one, but it cost less), and then I am going to try that idea of setting a timer for 20 minutes and see how much stuff I can get rid of in that amount of time.

Nearly spring, when a no-longer-young-per-se woman’s thoughts turn to salads!

I had FORGOTTEN about salads. Literally forgotten. I think it was because last spring I was working: when I’m working, I like meals that are fast and portable. When I am instead staying closer to home base, what I like are meals that take an entire episode of The Good Wife to eat. For breakfast, I like vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, corn, and red bell pepper) mixed with scrambled egg, sriracha, and cheese: I make a nice big plateful, and it’s delicious, and it takes forever to eat. For lunch, though, I was stymied. UNTIL I REMEMBERED SALADS.

I had to look in my archives to remember how to make them. I was standing there at the fridge, thinking “Okay: spinach, dressing, and…I forget.” Thank goodness for archives:

1. the salad-toppings post from the start of my last salad kick, with a comments section that makes me so happy about blogs

2. a salad I make with kielbasa and banana peppers, a post I transferred over from the old blog platform and so now it clearly needs some tweaking but then I’d have to tweak alllll the old posts and I can’t imagine I’ll get to that anytime soon

3. a salad made with shredded bbq chicken, tomatoes, corn, cheese, carrots, sunflower seeds

4. a salad made with buffalo-chicken nuggets, couscous, tomatoes, cheese, carrots, sunflower seeds

5. cheeseburger salad, made with a hamburger, cheese, tomatoes, dill pickles, bacon bits, and crushed-up Doritos

Today I had the one made with buffalo-chicken nuggets (#4), minus the couscous, plus some cut-up apple and slivered almonds, and then I ate the rest of the apple on the side. I feel so pleasantly full! It took so pleasantly long to eat!

I think my biggest hurdle with salads is thinking of them as Sad Diet Food. My mental picture of a salad involves someone eating one sullenly as everyone around them has cheeseburgers and fries. It takes effort to think of them as they really are: Giant Bowls of Things I Like to Eat. It can be a cheeseburger-and-fries SALAD.

Elizabeth and I attended a little seminar at the animal shelter about keeping indoor cats happy and active. Today I may or may not be considering buying FOOD PUZZLES for our cats. To satisfy their hunting/predator instincts and reduce their domestic ennui. (Do they make similar devices to reduce domestic ennui in at-home parents? “Not that I’m aware of,” says the animal-shelter employee. “Wine!,” whispers the middle-aged female attendee next to me. We snort. “MOM,” says Elizabeth.)

(image from Amazon.com)

Northmate Catch Interactive Feeder. This is one of the cheaper options, which puts it higher on my list. I am still cranky about the $45 cat watering fountain that the cats loved but was a TERRIBLE PAIN to clean.

(image from Amazon.com)

Catit Senses 2.0 Food Tree. “I’m particularly drawn to this one,” I said to Elizabeth later, looking at options online after the seminar. “That’s because they used this picture in the PowerPoint,” said Elizabeth.

(image from Amazon.com)

Trixie Tunnel Feeder. Why am I doing this to you, you wonder. And yet you have not looked away.

(image from Amazon.com)

Catit Senses 2.0 Digger. This one gives them the sensation of digging for rodents, which makes them happy. Nature is kind of gross.

(image from Amazon.com)

Trixie 5-in-1 Activity Center. This reminds me of shopping for baby toys: special features to stimulate their little brains. Oh god. Is this my life now? *brief feeling of panic and distress* *soothing automatic psychological self-defense mechanisms kick in* *goes back to shopping for cat feeders*

(image from Amazon.com)

Pyrus Hide-and-Seek Puzzle Toy. I am virtually certain my cats are too stupid for this toy. It’s not their fault! They’re perfect the way they are! But too stupid for this toy.

(image from Amazon.com)

Profcenter IQ Toy. I believe the ferret could figure this out. I have faith in that dog, even though he does not appear to be a particularly bright representative of his species. I’d be willing to give the green checkmark a shot, just to see what it can do. But not my cats, unless all there is to this toy is moving the intelligent-looking circles out of the way so they can eat the food underneath. Then maybe.