I’m working on a post, but I’m not getting it right. It’s about pregnancy weight gain, and I keep getting so pissed as I’m writing, I am beginning to think that what I’m actually writing is a rant. Nothing wrong with rants, I LIKE rants, but I was hoping for a different effect, something more…detached. The post is also way, way too long, the kind of length not even a very interested reader would tackle, but I can’t cut out a single word—and in fact, when I try, I end up ADDING words. This is another indicator that what I have on my hands is a rant. I think I’d better back away slowly and come back to it later.

Instead I will write about my new baby name book, which is a disappointment but not the kind of disappointment that provokes a too-long, too-angry post. This is more a situation where the book is pretty good, but not as good as I’d hoped.

The book is The Baby Name Bible by Pamela Redmond Satran and Linda Rosenkrantz, and they get off on the wrong foot with me right away by claiming to have started the WHOLE IDEA of choosing baby names: before they came along with their first baby-name book about 20 years ago, everyone just picked names out of thin air without giving it a moment’s thought.

They go on to bother me by saying that my goal should be to “fall in love with” a baby name. This makes me feel pressured and tense. I’ve only “fallen in love with” one of the four names we’ve used so far, and I still do feel all crushy about it. The other three, I liked well enough, and then they grew on me even more. I’m just trying to find a name I like well enough to use, and when they tell me I have to be in love, I feel overwhelmed and discouraged.

Many of the name entries seem to be there only to plump the total number of names high enough that they can say “50,000+ baby names!” on the cover. The authors seem to think so, too, because the descriptions for these names are things like “Don’t even think about it” and “Only for girls.” Other descriptions seem to go for the easy joke rather than actually giving an opinion of the name.

I’m not sorry I bought the book. For one thing, I like to buy a new baby name book with each pregnancy, as a sort of Happy Pregnancy present. But if I were buying a baby name book for someone else, I would definitely, definitely go with The Baby Name Wizard by Laura Wattenberg instead. It’s my top favorite so far. I love the entries enough to read them straight through one after another, even for names I’m not at all interested in using. I love the sibling name suggestions, which not only give actual good suggestions, they’re also intended to give you an idea of the kind of category other people will put your child’s name into.

Oh, I will give you a sample entry. This is what it says for the name Oliver, which we are not going to use because we have a cat named Oliver, but otherwise I think it’s almost for sure we’d be using it for this baby:
—————
OLIVER
Popularity: #243
Style: Antique Charm, English, Saints, Shakespearean
Nicknames: Ollie
Sisters: Helena, Cecilia, Lucy, Sophie, Violet
Brothers: Julius, Leo, Edgar, Felix, Solomon
Oliver seemed a little eccentric a generation ago, but fashion has come around to its charms. The name’s offbeat style now sounds handsome and rakish. Oliver is already in full fashion flower in the U.K., where they’ve always appreciated unconventional heartthrobs.
—————

There are longer descriptions later in the book of all the style categories, and other examples of names within those categories. There is also a little graph next to each name, showing how its popularity has risen or fallen over the years, and where it peaked. I lurrrrrrrrrrrrrve it. I want to marrrrrrrrrrrrrrry it. It’s no wonder other books fall short.

I am writing a post, and in it I am planning to do a little swearing. However, the last couple of days I have been out exploring the bloggerhood (“Hey! Evidently LOTS of people have blogs!”), and I have come across not one but TWO bloggers saying something like, “I wish I could swear in this blog,” or “If only bloggers could swear,” or things like that. This gives me pause. I wondered if perhaps they knew something I didn’t know.

Do any of you know of any reason NOT to swear in a blog, other than the possibility of offending people who don’t like swearing? I mean, could it be something like that a blog with swears would get blocked by some people’s browsers, something of that sort?

My, was I glad to see the big yellow bus this morning. I waved and waved and jumped around and yelled, “GOOD MORNING!!!,” and the bus driver called back, “I hear ya.” She has kids, too.

Even when it is not the week after a school vacation, I am always grateful for the bus. For one thing, it separates my vinegar firstborn from my baking soda secondborn. For another thing, it puts me outside in the fresh air for a few minutes. Not only does this provide me with an indignant reply if anyone were to ask me, “Didn’t you even leave the house today?,” it also cleanses my olfactory palate so I am able to notice when I come back inside that my house smells like onions and diapers, and won’t someone put a little Febreze Air Effects into the sad stale air?

Speaking of the sad stale air, I think something is wrong with our Vicks warm-mist vaporizer. It percolated away the whole night long, but this morning it was still over half full (normally it would be down to the sizzling scraps), and the room was not very steamy. It did this last night, too. It was a $10 vaporizer and we’ve had it for several years, so it’s no great loss to replace it–but if anyone has any great vaporizer repair stories they’re sitting on, this would be a great time to tell them.

I don’t know why I look forward to weekends; it must be a holdover from my paying-job-and-no-kids days. When Paul is home, the workload is theoretically lighter but it feels heavier.

For example, when I’m the only parent in charge, it doesn’t bother me much to be unshowered and unbreakfasted while I’m feeding and bathing the children. When there are two parents, it bothers me very much, especially if Paul has made his own shower and his own breakfast a priority, or if he’s all crabby because he hasn’t been able to: “I haven’t even taken a shower yet,” he’ll say, ostensibly to the child asking to be played with, but actually to me, to communicate not only his extreme awesomeness but also his extreme suffering. I know it’s a particular bad weekend if I have to stop myself from saying, “Oh, yeah? Well, welcome to my WHOLE GODDAMNED LIFE!” more than, say, ten times in a single day. He is not thinking, as I feel he should be, that I do this every day and that he should be supremely grateful that having a stay-at-home mom for a wife means that all he usually has to do in the morning is worry about his own selfish body. He’s only feeling put-upon, and perhaps wondering why I run such a lousy household that a man can’t relax with his newspaper and his pipe while the children play silently in a spotless nearby room.

By Sunday night, I’m glad that the next day is Monday and we can get back to normal. I can do things my usual way, and I don’t have to get in a big knot about what Paul is or isn’t doing. I can just do my job, and look forward to him coming home that night from his.

One thing I love about having lots of children is seeing the things I buy for them get used again and again. I’ve mentioned (and mentioned, and mentioned) that I enjoy getting things on clearance at Target. Just imagine how much my bargain-hunting soul loves to use those items for several children. Buy a child’s shirt for $1.74, then bring it out for the third boy in a row, knowing a fourth boy is coming to wear it next, and right there’s a little slice of happiness.

I do buy some things new for each new child. Sometimes it’s necessary: my first two boys were born in the winter, and my next two are summer babies, so some of the seasonal stuff is the wrong size: the child needs size 12m shorts, and all we have is 12m sweaters. Sometimes it’s a matter of things starting to look dated: the things I bought for my first son eight years ago in the late ’90s don’t look as cute now. Sometimes things wear out: jeans get holes in the knees, onesies get stretched out and thin and grungy. And sometimes it’s just fun: fun to have new things, fun to buy things for the new baby.

I like to shop. I’m saying it right out, because I think people who like to shop are supposed to be embarrassed, like we’re Paris Hilton or something. I guess it’s supposed to be superficial to enjoy seeking out and purchasing material possessions, and I can see how it wouldn’t stack up against, say, working with orphans in an impoverished country. Nevertheless, I enjoy it. Not only do I enjoy it, I will go so far as to say I think it is a worthy pursuit. Shopping is seen as a rich woman’s activity, but I see it as a poor woman’s activity: Making good choices means you can have the good stuff for the price of the crappy stuff. You can have two of something instead of one. You can have this and that, instead of this or that.

When I shop, I’m looking for things we currently need, but I’m mostly looking for things we will need: the less pressured you are, the easier it is to get what you want for a good price. I don’t wait until our sheets are full of holes to look for new sheets, I’m always on the lookout for good sheets at 75% off. We don’t need them yet, so I can be picky and get ones I like. I buy clothes for the kids in the next size up, and even the next size after that. Not too far ahead, because fashions change and because it’s hard to predict who might need slims and who might need huskies, and because as kids get older they might want some say in what they wear, but I do buy enough ahead that I’m not scrambling to buy them a whole new wardrobe at full price because they’ve suddenly outgrown their old stuff. Basics like winter boots and snowpants, I buy several sizes in advance. I’m willing to handle a certain amount of storage and organization in exchange for paying $6 instead of $24.

When you save money in boring areas, you have more money for fun areas: save $18 on boring winter boots, and you have $18 more to spend on cute birth announcements, or a pretty green vase thing, or a new book. You also have more money in general: if you don’t buy the vase thing, the $18 is just extra in the checking account. When the utility bills come in, or when the car insurance is due, or when somebody needs to go to the dentist, it’s good to have those extra bits that wouldn’t have been there if you’d bought things full price.

New pair of boots bought in November for $24? Or new pair of boots bought in February for $6, plus new sheets bought for $18-down-from-$72? Shopping is not just the act of putting down a credit card, it’s the art of choosing. There isn’t a thing wrong with buying the boots for $24, but nor is there a thing wrong with enjoying trying to get them for $6.

I notice that if I eat something purely nutritious, such as a heap of carrots or a fruit smoothie, I feel a little queasy and “off” until I eat something like a Twix bar. I have wondered if, over the years, I have primed my body to expect junk, and so when I eat too much nutritious food I create a Junk Imbalance. It reminds me of when I read, years ago, that the reason carbon monoxide poisoning works is that even though your body can’t use carbon monoxide, it prefers it to oxygen. Your body will keep sucking in that carbon monoxide like it’s Twix bars, until there’s no room for the oxygen. This may not be the purely scientific explanation; it’s been a long time since I read anything about carbon monoxide. These days I’m more likely to be reading about Angelina Jolie.

I’m feeling a little yicky this morning. Nothing in particular is wrong, it’s more like a mixture of issues from the pregnancy grab-bag: a little short of breath, a little queasy, a little tired, a little crabby, a little sore. Plus, I had a smoothie for breakfast, so I have the aforementioned junk imbalance. I’m 26 weeks pregnant, and so this is the week my OB wants me to go do the gestational diabetes screening. I don’t really mind that sweet drink: it’s not delicious, but it doesn’t make me want to throw up. What I don’t like it sitting in the lab waiting room with all the people who look like they’re carrying mutant germs. I get restless and have to go walk around and put Germ-X on my hands for the tenth time in an hour. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the sugar in the drink.

I have a suggestion to add to yesterday’s sleep tips: have your husband tell you a long, boring story about a small, hard-to-find, complicated problem he encountered at work. Last night I was so wired I couldn’t even close my eyes, but then Paul told me just that sort of story and before I knew it I was asleep. Before you start worrying about Paul’s tender feelings, let me rush to say that he tells me these stories on purpose to help me sleep. He’ll see me lying there all wide-eyed and twitchy, and he’ll say sympathetically, “Do you need a long boring work story?”

Today’s 10-minute task was cleaning out the drain in our bathroom sink. It was draining very slowly, and all I can say after cleaning it out is NO WONDER. I’ve spared you the Before and After pictures. You’re welcome.

Today I thought I would tackle the twins’ closet. They were playing in their room anyway, and that way I could supervise them and also get the closet done. Oh, ha ha ha. Ha. That worked as great as you might imagine.

Here’s the closet Before. This is just the left half of it. As you can see, I have helpers.

Unlike my other clutter projects so far, this closet contains mostly items that really do belong there. However, clearly we have a “stuff it in and worry about the ‘where’ later” problem going on. We also have a “too much stuff” problem and a “time to put away the pink receiving blankets” problem.

This is a multi-day project, and today’s part was to see if I could do something about all the clothes I’ve been cramming onto the bottom two shelves. The twins are unfortunately blocking your view of one of those shelves, but it looks pretty much exactly like the one above it: completely full of disorganized fabric and plastic.

I like to buy clothes on clearance (have I mentioned I like Target clearance?), and put them aside for future sizes and seasons. “Aside” means, apparently, cramming them anywhere. All the sizes are mixed together, and what good does that do me? The twins will be entering college and I’ll still be finding 2T stuff in the back of this closet. Some of the stuff was still in store bags, some of it in some small boxes (an earlier attempt at inflicting order), most of it just stuffed anywhere it would fit (“fit”).

I got two boxes and put them on the changing table, labeling one of them “2T” and one “3T.” I put anything 4T or above in a pile nearby–I wasn’t sure what size box I’d need for that. By the time I had most of the stuff off of the two shelves and into boxes, I had this on my hands:

They were mad because I wouldn’t let them take down everything else off the shelves, nor would I let them put things into or take things out of the diaper pail even though I kept opening and shutting it enticingly as I got rid of plastic store bags and ancient receipts.

Time to wrap it up for the day. I put the three new boxes on the floor of the closet. The 2T box is overflowing, but the other two are about the right sizes, with room to add more things. You can only see two of the boxes in this photo; the third box is behind the sliding closet door, more onto the right half of the closet.

It doesn’t look a whole lot better, I realize. There’s no gasp factor here.

But there is some empty space on the bottom shelf, and the shelf above it looks fuller than it is because of a big winter coat and also because of me not doing any organizing yet: all I did today was take things off. Also, some bags of extra school supplies came tumbling down when I removed the wads-of-clothing support system they were leaning on.

It’s difficult not to get discouraged, comparing this project to the kitchen table and the bureau: those two projects, it made such a difference spending even 10 minutes on them—whereas I spent about half an hour on this closet and barely made a dent. But this closet has been driving me crazy, and I was worrying as the twins outgrew their 18-month and 18-24-month stuff, and I knew I’d need the 2T and what would I do then? So this is good work, and worth doing, and we will hold our applause until the end–which will probably be in about six weeks, at this rate.

For you: Today’s assignment, should you wish to follow me down this dark and dreary road, is to pick a closet or cupboard and spend at least 10 minutes on it. Tidy, purge, reorganize–whatever it needs. If you get to a point where you think, “But I need a set of matched organizing containers, or I can’t go on!,” don’t stop. Find something you can make do with for now (I found an old diapers box, a old moving box, and a Rubbermaid bin), and replace the containers later.

Sarah of No Whey, Mama has another question for us. She wants to know what we think of the idea of earning a little extra money by taking care of other people’s children in your own home, when you’re at home taking care of your own kids anyway. She’d like to know if anyone’s tried this, either as a full-time or part-time thing, and how it turned out. You can read the whole question over at her site.

I’ve considered this myself, from time to time. It seems like such a win-win thing: I’m here anyway, I’m watching children anyway, why not earn a little money? I always come down on the “no” side, mostly because I worry that I would get into it and then not want to do it anymore and have trouble getting out of it. Also, when we have playdates over here, I usually find I dislike other people’s children, even if they’re very nice children.

Put a vaporizer in your bedroom. I prefer the scalding-hazard (warm mist) kind over the mold-hazard (cool mist) kind, but either kind will work if it makes a gentle bubbling sound, the sound of someone taking care of you when you’re sick. Paul said last night, “Can’t we just use the sound machine?,” but I prefer the illusion that a magical sleeping mist is floating out into the room. Also, the moisture seems like it would be good for pregnancy congestion.

Do a Sudoku puzzle while lying in bed, just before turning out the light. I find they distract me from anything my mind might want to turn over and over and over and over, without being the kind of puzzle that might add to that churning mill–for example, the kind of puzzle Paul sometimes does, which can leave both of us lying awake thinking, “What the hell is a 5-letter word for ‘he ignited their hopes’?”

Turn pillow sideways from its usual orientation, then fold in half. I like to have the fold near my neck and the ends toward the top of my head, but it can also be nice to have the ends near your neck and the fold near the top of your head. This is good for pregnancy congestion and also for pregnancy heartburn.

Use lavender-vanilla “sleep” lotion from Bath & Body Works. Not lavender (too sharp), not vanilla (too sweet), but lavender-vanilla, from the aromatherapy section. Put it on your collarbone/breastbone area as if it were Vicks VapoRub, and tell yourself you’re inhaling something with magical sleep-inducing properties. Try not to lie there in the dark suddenly wondering whether this might be one of those dangerous herbal things.

If you are feeling icky in no particular way, just icky, especially if it’s “wake up in the middle of the night feeling icky,” do this: (1) pee, (2) chew two peppermint Tums, (3) drink a cup of water, (4) brush teeth, (5) pee again if you already need to, and (6) go back to bed.

If it’s on your medical provider’s approved list, take a Benadryl.

Window-shop online. I think these would make really cute birth announcements, don’t you?

Have sex. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! See? A good laugh can relax you, leaving you more ready for sleep.

Before bed, have a mug of hot milk. It sounds repulsive, but it’s yummy if you add a little vanilla and a little honey. Don’t overheat the milk or it really does get repulsive; heat it not to boiling, but just to “nice and hot.” Sip it down, then brush teeth and go right to bed.

Blog. At least you’re getting something done, since you’re not sleeping anyway. And it would be a shame to waste a quiet house.

I have a sleeper here (it’s William’s, not mine) with a zipper that has come un…threaded(?) on one side. That is, the zipper pull is sliding up and down freely on one of two zipper…ladders, but without being connected to the other ladder. The zipper doesn’t appear to be broken (no zipper teeth missing, no splits in the ladder), just disconnected. Can this be saved, or is it toast? I mean, I’m not going to replace the zipper; I’m wondering if it can be rethreaded so that both ladders are in the pull, and if so, how, or if I should toss it out. I tried to cram the disconnected ladder into the pull, but it looks like the ladder is too thick to go in like that. It’s a brand-new sleeper, and I don’t know if the zipper was like this when we bought it or if William unthreaded it the first time he was putting it on.