I just read a “go green”-type article that said it was very important to choose good, safe lipsticks, because the average woman eats 4-5 POUNDS of lipstick PER YEAR by licking her lipsticked lips or eating with lipstick on.

I looked, and my lipstick is .13 ounces. That means there are 123 lipsticks per pound. You’d have to be eating more than an entire tube EVERY DAY to get to 4-5 pounds a year. SO GET CRACKING. You are WAY behind on this year’s quota if you’re going to be average.

Bad Hiding Places

• Sock/underwear drawer
• Under the bed
• Bedside table drawer
• Medicine cabinet

Good Hiding Places

• Shoebox in a stack of shoe-filled shoeboxes
• Box in the basement marked “Christmas”

Oh, hey! Would you like to look at my personal medical information? HIPAA be damned! (I know, HIPAA is about whether other people can give out someone’s personal medical information. But it doesn’t WORK to use the term ACCURATELY.)

I had a cholesterol test done, and the Icky Doctor (this is the guy who, when I asked to try a different brand of birth control pills because the current ones were making me emotional, wouldn’t switch me and suggested that instead I should see a psychiatrist and have my tubes tied) wanted me to pay another $25 copay to come in and have him explain the results to me, and I declined, saying I didn’t see the point of that unless the results were BAD. Which they weren’t.

The problem is that, um, I want the results explained. I got a copy of them, and the nurse said the numbers were “fine,” so I don’t NEED to know what they mean, but I’m interested. And my guess is that we have among us people who know exactly what these numbers mean and won’t even charge me the $25. So! Here are my numbers:

Triglyceride: 131
Cholesterol: 159
HDL: 45
Direct LDL: 85.0
CHDL: 3.5

And here is what I want to know:

1. Is 159 “my cholesterol,” the way people go around talking about what their cholesterol is? How “fine” is it?
2. Is HDL “bad cholesterol,” and is my number bad? How bad?
3. Is LDL “good cholesterol,” and is my number good? How good?
4. What are triglycerides, and are they good or bad, and what does that number mean?
5. What is CHDL, and what does that number mean?

There! Dr. Comment Section, your patient is ready!

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Pay-it-Forward Updates:

Pickles, Cheese, and Fluff is starting a new contest.

IndieHomeEc is starting a new contest.

Here is a Before picture of my computer desk. This is where I am sitting RIGHT NOW, which seems weird: I’m looking at a photo of my desk—AND, behind the photo, the desk itself.

Top shelf needed dusting, especially those pretty, shiny, unnested nesting boxes. There was also a cardboard box of photos from Henry’s birth; perhaps time to at least put those somewhere less prominent, if we’re not going to get around to gluing them into a journal until he’s in school?

Second shelf down had a huge stack of Postcrossing postcards, plus a bunch of desky tools (the only ones in the house that don’t get lost, because no one uses them except me), plus my Hello Kitty Flowerpot of Disarray (freebie one-page calenders I glue into the front covers of journals; the fake stamps charities send out; an empty package of chocolate-covered dried cherries in case I need to remember who makes them; receipts).

And then the desktop itself, which was several big teetering piles of papers and notepads.

I cleared every single item to the floor, then wiped down all the shelves, then rooted through the pile putting things away/back. And here’s After:

It still needs some fiddling (the decorative items are just “cleaned and put back anywhere,” not Arranged yet), but it’s a huge improvement. The Flowerpot of Disarray remains, but I went through it and threw out some stuff (receipts from last Christmas, newspaper clippings it is too late to write a letter to the Editor about, snail mail I have already answered). I found an empty chocolate box to hold the desk supplies. And now on the desktop there is room to put things, without piles tipping and spilling. There is VISIBLE DESKTOP AREA.

I’ve mentioned a million times once or twice that I am very fond of Postcrossing, which has people all over the world sending postcards to each other. You can choose whether you want to exchange only with people in other countries, or whether you also want to send to your own country, and I have it as also my own country because many of my readers are U.S. readers and I think it would be such a kick if one of us sent a postcard to another of us, without even knowing!

Anyway. I have a big stack of postcards from my own area of the country, since that’s what a lot of people like to receive (you can specify what kinds of postcards you’re especially interested in). But Steph gave me the good idea that I could also be sending cards of major U.S. landmarks, like the Statue of Liberty. After all, when I get a postcard from another country, I’m not enough up on geography to know/care which AREA of the country it comes from: I basically want Well-Known Landmarks of That Country, even if the sender is like, “Um, yes, but you realize many parts of Egypt do NOT have pyramids, right?”

Here is what I am wondering, then: What are the Well-Known Landmarks of the United States to people in other countries? The Liberty Bell? The Empire State Building? Texas? What cartoon characters would be considered U.S.-ish? Would Disney be U.S.-ish enough, or is Disney too international for that? How about Pixar? The Simpsons? Bloom County? Garfield? What artists would be U.S.-ish? Andy Warhol? Um….others?

I’m cleaning in preparation for my mother-in-law’s visit next week; she’s arriving Monday. I’ve been cleaning a little bit each day for a few weeks now. I keep attacking low-priority projects (box of diaries!) instead of high-priority ones, but it’s okay. Sure, Elizabeth’s closet is not as important as the living room, but as the visit gets closer, it’ll be easier to face the living room and not as easy to face Elizabeth’s closet. Besides, every task contributes to the overall cleanliness of the house and to the level of my despair about it. Besides-besides, the living room will just get messy again before she arrives, but Elizabeth’s closet will stay tidy.

The last few days, I’ve been working on our computer room / office. It’s a tiny room, and we’ve got it so crammed with stuff it’s amazing any human being can squeeze in there. There are two computer desks, one craft desk, and a big piece of furniture we call The Furniture because we don’t know what it is: it’s over 6 feet tall and it has two shelves, a secretary’s desk (folds out), and three drawers. All four of these pieces of furniture collect paper and clutter like you would not BELIEVE. It’s the most cluttered room in our house, I think.

I started with The Furniture, and I am KICKING myself because I had a whole shelf cleared off before I remembered to take a photo. And it was the worst shelf, too! It had a 2-foot teetering stack of child art, and a “desk organizer” bursting with desk supplies. I’d also cleaned part of a second shelf, removing several 3-ring binders, several folders, and five—FIVE—boxes of special envelopes purchased on a post-holiday clearance. Also: a handful of cardboard pieces for putting in envelopes with photos, three hardcover notebooks, three boxes of stationery, a stack of videotape labels, and a stack of mail-in film processing envelopes (we’ve been completely digital since 2005).

I almost didn’t bother to take a photo at all, I was so discouraged. But I took one anyway, and you’re just going to have to imagine that all the cleaned-out gaps are stuffed with the same type of crap as is stuffing the rest of it. This is The Furniture from the top (where we keep two fleece nests for the cats to escape to when the children are being persistent) down to the secretary’s desk, which is folded out because there is too much stuff on it to close it (I didn’t photograph the drawers because they’re closed and uninteresting):

And after:

It really would have been more impressive if that top shelf hadn’t been empty in the Before shot. Oh, I am so CHEESED about that! I mean, if anything the After shot looks WORSE! Well, we must work with what we have.

The biggest improvement was getting rid of the huge teetering pile of child art, which I had already done here; it HAD been taking up nearly that whole top shelf. I transferred it to an empty diaper box (those boxes are so handy), which I’m storing down in the basement. The now-empty 2-inch-deep box the pile used to be teetering out of is back in place to receive more art, and we’ll see if I can make myself empty it into the downstairs box when it’s full.

Or maybe the biggest improvement was clearing out the secretary’s desk enough to be able to CLOSE it. All the stuff that was on the folded-out part is now on the shelf, which is why that shelf is not particularly pretty right now—but at least it’s tidied up.

I don’t know what I’ll do with that top shelf now. It seems like it would be perfect for large decorative items, but I don’t think I have any homeless large decorative items.

So, did you know they clean school buses by raising up the front and then power-washing the inside so all the water and dirt runs out the back? Something new every day!

I learned this because yesterday William threw up twice on the bus on the way home, and the dispatcher called me to give me the heads-up, and so I went running out with towels to help clean up the bus, but the driver told me not to worry about it.

Of course, I AM worried about it. I am very, very worried that William will get on the bus next time and no one will want to sit next to him because he threw up. I’m worried someone will make him feel bad about it. Also, I’m worried about middle school and high school and car accidents and people breaking his heart. But right now I am focusing on the barfing problem in particular.

I took him to the doctor, not because he barfed but because he’s had an increasingly bad cough and he said he barfed because he coughed so much, and also because he could barely walk from the bus to the house, and also because he then lay on the couch pale and motionless for the rest of the day, and also because AFTER taking Motrin his fever was still 103.4.

It turns out he has a huge ear infection, so that the doctor flinched back and said, “Ouch!” and then said, “Buddy, you’ve got to COMPLAIN more.” But William said the ear hadn’t hurt him at all until the doctor poked it. We stopped on the way home and got him his antibiotics, and now he’s home watching cartoons in the living room and eating cinnamon toast. I picture the antibiotics going through his system now, popping the little bad guys: Pop! Pop! Pop!

I’m breaking my usual “pay it forwards on weekends” thing because Motherhood is Painless is doing a special one: the first three people to comment on this post automatically win a handmade gift. And I thought if I waited until the weekend, you’d miss out.

And while we’re here: Alice in Wonderland is starting a new contest.

Also: William threw up on the bus on the way home. Twice. ZOMG. Guess which bus driver is getting a really nice holiday gift this year?