I am having a Bad Brain Day: I am pretty sure it’s not the case that the entire world and everything in it is crappy, but kind of FEELS like maybe it IS the case. We went to Target this morning for an emergency therapy session, and I’m sure you’ll understand the severity of the issue when I tell you that EVEN THAT didn’t work.

We also went to The Children’s Place and I found a bunch of good stuff on good markdowns, but solve THIS riddle: the Big Girl, Little Girl, and Little Boy section all had a $5.99 jeans sale, but the Big Boy section did not. I even asked about it, and they acted like it wasn’t even slightly strange that a store-wide jeans sale would include three of their four departments but not the fourth. They suggested I look on the skimpy rack of pre-ripped big-boy jeans marked down to $19.99, as if that were similar. Since THREE of my boys wear jeans in the Big Boy sizes, this was a little IRRITATING and contributed to the “everything in the world is crappy” feeling.

Have I mentioned we just found out our cat Mouse has hyperthyroid? and also kidney disease? and that we won’t know how bad the kidney disease is until we treat the hyperthyroid, because hyperthyroid makes kidney disease look less severe than it is? and when we treat the kidney disease, we may find it worsens her possible congestive heart issue? Yes. Well. And so we are entering this territory of “How much should be done for a 16-year-old cat?” We’re starting with daily medication and special food and possibly a CAT DRINKING FOUNTAIN, plus of course the repeated follow-up tests to see what is working, and it is so very very hard to know when to say, “Let’s use these resources to feed and clothe several families in another country instead.”

Last night I put Elizabeth’s hair in braids for the first time.

She really likes the braids, which was unexpected because she fights me when I put her hair in ponytails. She calls the braids “locks” because of a Rapunzel story where the guy tells Rapunzel to “throw down her locks” and Rapunzel throws down long braids. Last night she wanted to sleep in her locks, and this morning we put in fresh ones.

We have a vinyl cover made by my mom for our coffee table, and it is so great because we do all kinds of crafts and snackings on that table. However, after seven-ish years, the vinyl has many rips and cuts on it, plus some permanent metallic gold paint smudges. It also has one big rip because a certain two-year-old grabbed a small rip and pulled. Paul fixed the rips yesterday with duct tape, and while that’s a very SENSIBLE solution, it is not exactly PRETTY. So I got myself a roll of THIS:

Because duct tape in TEAL—why, that’s a completely different story! I plan to cover the entire vinyl table-cover with it.

O small spider!
I am sorry:
Intellectually I know
You pose no threat
To me or to any of
The vulnerable small ones in my care.
You should be adored
For your pest-controlling properties,
As we adore the admittedly-cuter ladybug.

But.

When you dangle down
On a long string,
Right in front of my face
As I am making breakfast,
Frankly you are lucky to get out of this situation
Unsmashed.
Really, tossed outside intact,
In a hastily-grabbed napkin,
Is an exceedingly lucky fate,
You eight-legged horror.

You know what is SUPER AWESOME for a new diet? Food poisoning! Yes! I highly recommend it! Because you will feel full/queasy all Thursday afternoon/evening, and then you will start barfing Thursday night, which, not to be gross but it will take care of any Doritos Indiscretion you may have recently succumbed to. And then you will eat nothing at all on Friday, and on Saturday you will be like a tiny weak kitten, barely managing a banana for breakfast! Not that kittens eat bananas, but you understand this analogy stretches only so far. Like, half a sentence to be precise.

But here is the problem: Your significant other, after doing a memorably fantastic and praiseworthy job coming home early from work on Friday unasked, and handling EVERYTHING while you doze queasily in a recliner, will feel entitled to his/her OWN day of rest, and will spend the day “sick” with an imperceptible Man Cold in the recliner, watching movies while YOU, barely recovered and still somewhat weak, run yourself ragged handling everything, while he/she (but let’s face it, I think we are mostly talking about HE) keeps calling out instructions right before you do things on your own, in a manner uncannily reminiscent of your late mother-in-law! Until you finally have to say to him, “Being sick and leaving me to handle everything? Fine. Bossing me from your recliner? NOT FINE.” And then he acts HURT, FTLOG. And meanwhile you are fading fast because you are still not completely up to par.

But do you know what? You probably lost a pound! or maybe two, if you count water weight! And as we all know from fashion magazines, there is NO MISERY that outweighs a reduction in your GD WEIGHT!! Because excess body weight is EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY!!!!

Also! As a general note! If a person is too sick to do the regular work of child/household maintenance during the day, he/she is too sick to suddenly start messing around on the computer at night! THIS SHOULD BE AN OBVIOUS FACT. Seven o’clock is not The Magical Hour of Recovery!

And also! If you are thinking of telling me how lucky I should feel that my husband is sick and bossing me from a recliner rather than DEAD or CHEATING, I suggest you RETHINK IT. Because I am pretty sure I can still muster up the energy to BARF DOWN YOUR SHIRT!

I took Mouse to the vet today for her annual check-up, and I talked with the vet about how unhappy Mouse has been with Benchley’s persistent attentions: Benchley wants to PLAY! and CUDDLE! and Mouse wants to be LEFT ALONE! and I feel like we ruined her entire old age by getting this dim cat who won’t take a hint, and meanwhile she’s started using the laundry pile as a litter box and that is not going to work for us.

Anyway, get this: the vet told me about Feliway (cat Prozac in air-freshener-diffuser form, which some of you had mentioned too), and said we could put a collar-keyed cat door in an interior door so only Mouse could go to a certain room, and she also said we could put a litter box in those rooms for Mouse—-or, she said, we could GET ANOTHER CAT. AHA HA HA HA HA!! Apparently, although this can backfire (leaving poor Mouse fighting off the affection of TWO cats), it’s QUITE LIKELY to succeed in cases where one cat wants a friend and the other one doesn’t (as opposed to situations where the cats hate each other).

I can’t WAIT to tell Paul!

I did buy the Feliway, too, because Mouse has one favorite spot (on a computer CPU) and there’s an outlet right next to it so the plug-in Cat Happiness might be perfect. And I’m glad I didn’t buy the diffuser at the vet’s office where it was $45, when it is $19 on Amazon. I do truly love Amazon.

Leave me. the frick. ALONE.

In the middle of the night there arose such a cat-fight clatter, I sprang to the basement to see what was the matter. By the time I got there the fight was over, and I could only find Benchley. Another animal—I assumed at the time it was our other cat Mouse—ran out from under Elizabeth’s bed as I tried to lure Benchley out. When Benchley DID come out, he was limping, and he hid under the downstairs loveseat. He’s never hidden like that in the whole month we’ve had him. And the loudness and wildness of the cat fight was surprising, since in the month he’s been here the most he and Mouse have exchanged was some hissing and a paw-to-head whap. And when I went upstairs five or ten minutes later, Mouse was in her usual spot under the computer, with the alert look cats get when they hear other cats fighting.

In short, WTH happened here? One possibility is that a neighborhood cat came in through our cat door, fought with Benchley, and then took off. Another possibility is that Mouse finally did fight with him, and that he was injured either by her (she was a fierce fighter in her street-cat youth, though it’s been a good 14 years since then and she’s more into the wrist-slapping at this point) or by something that happened as they were fighting—like if he fell or whacked into something, or if something fell on him. Another possibility is that he was injured outside, then came in and had a fight with Mouse, or….?

Well, it’s too bad he can’t talk, is what I’m saying, because now he’s at the vet’s office and he was too feisty to allow his leg to be checked while I was there so he had to stay and they have to sedate him, and so here we are at over $100 before the exam has even started ($60 illness/injury visit, $25 staying-there fee, $20 sedative). But the good news is that it looks like he’s probably just fine, and in fact the likely situation is that he’s being a total MAN about his injury and he just has a little boo-boo but didn’t want to walk on it. But after my experience with my cat Oliver (I thought he was being a big baby about a small boo-boo and it turned out his leg was completely crushed), I’m hesitant to try to figure things out myself.

The vet thinks it’s most likely an animal bite, in which case Benchley gets a rabies booster, a shot of antibiotics, and a prescription for painkillers. But once he’s sedated she might find that he needs an x-ray, and there could be a fracture, and then let’s not think about how much that will cost. Let’s instead reflect on what a sweet cat Benchley is (at least when no one is trying to inspect his owies), and how many years he has left to work this off in white-nose-spot kisses.

CAT EXXTREEEME!!!
(Close-up courtesy of whichever child was playing with my camera.)

Update! Even after two kinds of sedative, the cat was still feisty—too feisty for them to shave his little leggy so they could have a look at the owie. They gave him a rabies shot and a shot of antibiotic, and they gave us a supply of painkillers to give him for a few days, and if he’s not much better in 24 hours we’re to bring him back. But the vet thinks he’s probably fine: just being all MAN about his little owie. Cost for Mr. Baby to get some fuss made over him: $200.

We are one week in to the Grim Diet, and there are good things and bad things to report.

The biggest good thing is that despite various ups and downs, I still feel like I am On A Diet, and holding on to that feeling is very important to my success. If I feel like I have to Start Over, I might not do so for a long, long time.

Another good thing is that I am getting used to drinking unsweetened coffee. I’m using Shawna‘s idea of adding a little skim milk to it, and I like that.

Another good thing is that we went to McDonald’s and I drank coffee while the kids had their delicious, delicious nuggets. A bad thing is that this caused suffering, and I’m trying to reduce that.

In fact, this is where I ran into a situation that would require a lifestyle change rather than a diet: when we are out on errands and we hit lunchtime, we stop at McDonald’s or Wendy’s or Taco Bell or Burger King. And I LIKE to do that, and so do the children, and it’s an inexpensive and yummy way to eat. If we are going to stop doing that, I’m not sure what to substitute. I don’t want to pack a lunch, because the thought of packing and toting a lunch for four people makes me feel like leaping into traffic. I don’t want to go to a place that serves healthier food, because of the cost. I think right now my solution is to reduce the number of times that we’re out on errands when it’s lunch time, and I think that’s a pretty good solution for our situation.

Eating a protein breakfast within an hour of waking up only works on mornings when I’m hungry. Otherwise I feel dumb eating when I’m not even hungry. BUT, this has led to keeping hard-boiled eggs on hand, and I’ve found those GREAT for other times in the day when I’m hungry, especially if I’m craving salt.

I’ve had a total lack of success this week with exercise goals. My intention was to increase from my usual three times a week to an “every day” schedule (where “every day” would probably end up meaning five times a week). After one week, how many times have I exercised? Three. Exactly as usual. I did somewhat increase the intensity and length of those three workouts, so that’s good. But this turned out to be another area where a lifestyle change would be required in order for me to do what I planned: I exercise in the evenings and right now that’s the only time of day that works for me, and there are some weekly evening plans that are incompatible with exercise. I don’t want to change those plans: one is a date night, one is a night that Paul lets the older boys stay up and watch a movie with him, etc. But I could still exercise on the night the older boys stay up, if I choose an exercise that doesn’t require me to use the television, and that would buy me one extra night.

And this brings me to YET ANOTHER item that would mean a lifestyle change: I don’t exercise on the nights I drink alcohol. I might INTEND to exercise, but I notice I NEVER DO. Never. Paul and I have drinks Saturday evening before we have our weekly treat dinner: a gorgeous pizza he makes, with olives and pepperoni and Monterey Jack cheese and turkey bacon and green peppers and mmmmmmmm. At this point I’m not willing to sacrifice ANYTHING ABOUT THIS on the alter of thinness. Perhaps later, but not now. So there’s one night that will not include exercise no matter what. HOWEVER: it’s pretty common for us to have some alcohol one or two OTHER evenings a week, and I AM willing to cut THOSE out. Not only does drinking mean I don’t exercise, it also makes me hungrier and reduces my willpower. Plus, of course alcohol has calories. So this week I will try eliminating it except on Saturday nights.

I knew Easter candy was going to be a challenge, and I prepared for it. When I saw Easter candy at 50% off, I successfully reminded myself that the PRICE has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. It is fun to buy things on clearance, but it isn’t as if my body will say, “Oh, this was 50% off? Well then, we won’t store it as fat!” So I bought none. Unfortunately, I didn’t manage to talk myself down from 75% off, bringing me to the worst crisis the diet experienced this week. A sensible person would chuck it all in the trash; I have trouble being sensible in the face of candy + clearance. I HAVE been managing to give some of it out to the children as desserts. And I’ve been managing not to scarf it all down. And I’ve maintained the feeling of being on a diet, despite the candy, and haven’t chucked the whole DIET in the trash, either, so that’s a certain level of sensible right there.

So! That’s how it’s going. Well enough that I’m still on it and still have high hopes; poorly enough that I’m not looking forward to weighing myself this evening.

1. Paul is watching Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure with the older boys this evening. I will not get sucked in. I will not get sucked in. I will not get sucked in. WYLD STALLYNS!!!!

2. I had a Bill & Ted centerfold (non-naked variety) when I was in high school. One side was Bill. The other side was Ted. Sometimes I thought one was cuter, and sometimes I CHANGED MY MIND. Now I think Rufus is cutest.

3. Not that I’m watching it. No.

4. May I recommend donating blood? It makes you feel like an awesome person. Plus, there is a bit of a natural high, via lightheadedness and the cookies/juice they make you eat afterward. Whooof!

5. Caesar is “a salad dressing dude.” Joan of Arc is “Noah’s wife.” NOT THAT I’M WATCHING IT.

6. We have named the cat. His name is Benchley. The children are unhappy with this choice, and we are disregarding them. PBBBBBBBTTTTTTHHHHHHTTTT, children!

7. Remember when I was searching for a non-ticking clock? I chose one:

Infinity Instruments Orange Retro Wall Clock. It was a bit of a risk, because it doesn’t SAY it’s non-ticking. But it didn’t have a second hand, and I liked it well enough to use it elsewhere in the house if it ticked, so I ordered it—and it doesn’t tick! Yay! I might have chosen it in aqua, but I thought orange would look better in the boys’ bedroom. Maybe later I’ll get the aqua one for the kitchen.

8. Every spring I keep a close eye on the Traverse Bay chocolate-covered DRIED cherries I love more than any other candy. Because every spring, Amazon.com clears them out before summer makes it too hot to store and ship them. And lo, they have gone on clearance: $18 for a 4-pound box. I bought eight pounds. WHAT?

9. Be excellent to each other. Party on, dudes.

As promised, a dieting post.

I have two weights I go back and forth between—not so much yo-yo-ing as TIDING. At the lower one I feel pretty much fine being a plus-sized person; at the upper one I feel like I’m wearing clothes made of fat. Also at the upper one I’m uncomfortable and my knees start aching and I overheat more easily. Obviously the upper one is not where I would like to be, and yet that’s where I am now.

So I’ve spent the last few weeks gearing up for a diet, and this past Monday I leaped into the abyss. (I didn’t choose Monday on purpose. I’m not usually a “starting Monday” dieter. It just happened that that was the day I woke up and felt ready to tackle it. I don’t know why I’m explaining this.)

I do my best to make dieting fun (I wrote about it today over here if you want more on that topic). I buy little dieting treats—spending more on a fruit I like that’s not on sale, or buying fancy coffee/tea, or buying a smaller amount of a more expensive sweet. I choose a gimmick or two: protein first, or vegetables first, or intermittent fasting, or plenty of coffee, or no calories in drinks, or whatever—it’s best if it’s something I haven’t tried before. I buy non-food treats of approximately the same cost as the food treats I was buying when I wasn’t dieting. I blog about it.

But there is only so much I can do. It is more fun to NOT be on a diet than to be on a diet, and that is just how it is. So things feel a bit BLEAK right now.

This time around I’m mix-and-matching the ideas that were successful from previous diets:

1. Eat breakfast within an hour of getting up, and make it proteiny. (The Sugar Addict’s Total Recovery Program)

2. Eat protein with dinner, and then have a potato before bed. (The Sugar Addict’s Total Recovery Program)

3. Drink coffee for energy, antioxidants, appetite suppression. (various sources)

4. But drink the coffee black, because bitter flavors can reduce cravings for sweets. (Eating Well for Optimum Health)

5. Eat when HUNGRY, not when it’s “time to eat.” (Tess)

6. When hungry, start with Good Stuff (vegetables, grainy stuff, a hard-boiled egg) and see if that handles it. (various sources)

7. Try try TRY to remember that “slip” plus “more slip” is > “slip” (i.e., don’t turn a slip into an ALL-OUT CHOW-DOWN as if it’s either ALL DIET or ALL NON-DIET).

8. Fibrous grains! Vegetables! (various sources)

9. Eat Magical Awesome Foods With Magical Awesome Properties (spinach, blueberries, yogurt, flax seed meal, vegetable juice) to achieve maximum Magical Awesomeness! (Eat This, Not That!)

10. See if I’m thirsty, not hungry. (Tess)

11. Exercise every day (“every day” ends up being more like “5 days-ish/week” in practical application, because of evening plans—but I still think of it as “every day” instead of thinking “It’s Monday today so I exercise” or whatevs), so that it becomes part of the routine and doesn’t start to seem like “day off” when I don’t “have to” exercise. (experience is a hard teacher)

12. See if a smaller/lesser/healthier treat will satisfy. (various sources)

So. Anyway. Diet. Sigh.

I am feeling frazzled and agitated and wish-I’d-said this morning. You may remember awhile back my phone victory where I finally, finally, finally made Rob the two appointments he needed: an orthodontic evaluation and, right before it, a thorough dental cleaning for his embarrassingly plaquey teeth. AND I made both appointments for early morning so he would only miss half a day of school, and then I arranged for my mom to watch the three littles so I wouldn’t have to sit for 2-3 hours in waiting rooms telling three small children not to lick the furniture.

Those two appointments were for this morning, and yesterday afternoon the dentist’s office called and said they had to reschedule because the hygienist had called in sick. What I SHOULD have said is, “I’m sorry, that’s impossible: I’ve arranged childcare for three small children, AND I specifically scheduled this appointment to be BEFORE his orthodontist appointment.”

But—how would that have affected reality? The hygienist would still be sick (or FAKING). Still, I wish I’d said it, because OMG MY LIFE IS NOW TOTALLY RUINED. My mom can’t babysit at this new time, and so I have to bring all three kids. The dentist appointment is now AFTER the orthodontist appointment, which makes no sense. And the timing/spacing of the appointments means he’ll have to miss the whole day of school. And all this after I had it SO CAREFULLY PLANNED.

I suppose I could have said no to the dentist, then called to cancel the orthodontist, then called the school to let them know Rob WOULD be there in the morning after all. But I couldn’t face having to make the appointments all over again when it was so hard the first time (for phone phobia reasons but mostly because it’s tricky to find two consecutive appointments with two unconnected offices), and also it wasn’t fair to the orthodontist, and also it would be EMBARRASSING since I had assured the orthodontist’s office not two hours earlier than we would be there, and anyway the odds of the two appointments being at a time when my mom could babysit were nearly nil, so if I’m bringing the kids with me I might as well get it over with.

Worse yet, I was planning that we could at least go to Wendy’s for lunch while we were out, but I’m reading Andrew Weil’s Eating Well for Optimum Health, and I just finished the section on fats, and basically he says that if you eat fast food you might as well give yourself an IV of wet radioactive cement. So that kind of puts a damper on things.

Guess who visited Henry last night?