I love the idea several of you mentioned: that we should have a GENERAL post about aging parents, where anyone can discuss the topic in the comments section. I hope you will feel free to post anonymously if that would be more comfortable. (If you INTENDED to post anonymously but then see that your info has shown up, I hope you will email me and ask me to fix it: it takes about three seconds and makes me feel omnipotent.)
I live far from my parents and have only seen them a few times a year for the last 10-15. One of the weirdest effects of this is that it feels like I watch them age in stop motion. Every time I visit, there’s a little more shakiness or memory loss.
I am 52 and am watching to many of my friends struggle with parenting their parents. Every aspect. A dear friend is a little blind to the level of care her parents truly need; another friend’s mom is reverting to a lying 13-yr old mentality; other friends are taking tons of time away from work to drive parents to doc appts – especially those who live in rural areas and specialists are not available near by. It’s just…a lot.
My concern is with my husband’s side at the moment. Only his dad is left but he is 85 and lives in another country. I worry he’ll fall ill or pass away and prompt my husband to want us all to move over for some reason, like take care of the estate, take over the estate, etc. despite the fact a lot of other family could do that. We are quite settled where we are with kids and work but he has always said he would like to eventually go back to his home country. It is lovely there but just not for me.
Not sure if this might help another family, but I have recently become aware of a subfield of “elder care navigators” who usually have some sort of health care background and you pay to help navigate both the system and your own internal family dynamics in making care decisions. It seems under-regulated, so I would look for a consultant who holds another healthcare designation (OT/PT/RN) to try and clarify accountability, but it’s been crazy how much more receptive my aging grandparent is to a consultant”s “expert advice” compared to the exact same info coming from her children (daughters holding all of this of course, what on earth could sons be expected to do?).
Disclaimer: This is not legal advice.
My mother was widowed young and fortunately had older sisters that she listened to, so she had a will and durable power of attorney written up decades before they were needed. Hers included both financial and healthcare decisions, but I think these are separate documents nowadays. Also, long before it became necessary, she added me as co-owner on her bank account, so it became my account when she passed.
Seconding; elders adding joint owners to bank accounts is absolutely critical. On a visit with my dad to his credit union, the lady helping us noted my presence, and probably his frailty and his cane, and very gently steered him in that direction. We took care of it right then, and it made everything so much simpler. One incurs a surprising amount of billing after leaving the planet and even unoccupied homes require upkeep and maintenance; paying for all of that can easily leave loved ones broke.
Funny you say that about sons and daughters. My husband has 2 sisters and his mother calls HIM for everything. Forget that we have things that need to be done in our own house, she is constantly in need.
I would like to vent about how much work it is to help my MIL to sell her house. Her husband just went into care for advanced Alzheimers and the house is a family farm (his family). The house is 3500 sq. feet with 68 acres. It and all of the outbuildings are filled with old farm stuff. The house is filled with all of her “collections” – SO. MANY. COLLECTIONS. It is too much for her and too much for even us to contemplate. I’m so tired. Then there is my mother, which is a whole other situation that is exhausting.
Thank you Swistle for this place to vent and discuss.
My MIL is a “collector” too and has massive anxiety (never admitted by her and thus never treated) and just lack of ability to cope with change.
As my in-laws age I see the massive need to clean out, update (to some extent) and sell their house, yet I know from experience that any effort to talk to her about it will lead to DRAMA.
But… would we rather have it be DRAMA that we have the time to work through and thus get the things done? Or DRAMA compounded by needing to make all these decisions immediately due to some emergency?
It’s my husbands thing to deal with, but I know it will be on my plate too in some way or another!
Yes! This exactly! Right down to the anxiety and resistance to change. (and lack of therapy).
You want the drama that you can deal with in a time of peace–trust me. My father recently died, and a seven-bedroom house had to be cleaned out all by myself. My mother was too infirm and too confused to make decisions. There were close to 3,000 books, copies of every single college paper he wrote, programs for concerts they went to, photos of people we no longer know, back to elementary school composition books he wrote in. They never threw anything away. My mother claimed it was all his decision, but she had plenty of old clothes, sewing equipment she didn’t use, and skating trophies from her teenage-hood still there. It took me 4 weeks and a lot of anguish to empty the house.
I am so sorry :( and yes my question was absolutely rhetorical- the drama when you have the luxury of time is the way to go. Trying to get the wheels turning (in the limited ways a child-in-law can) while we still have that choice, you know?
No, I got it on the question…;)
I obviously didn’t do this too well myself–we live at a distance and our relationship wasn’t too close to begin with, but if I had to do it again, I would do it in stages, with their choices as a guide: “You aren’t quilting much anymore, Mom, maybe someone else could use the sewing machine?” I think they would have listened to the idea that someone else could use the stuff that they weren’t using if it seemed like their choice and a little bit at a time, rather than all at once. But it’s not easy anyway!
My parents and my SOs parents both have enormous houses and so. much. stuff. I’m the one who will have to figure out the majority of estate planning for both sets of parents when the time comes. I’m filled with dread when I think about it. Honestly just blocking it from my mind with a vague plan to hire auctioneers and such and pay them out of the estate when the time comes. There are no grandchildren on either side so there’s no one to even give stuff to.
One thing I learned is that when you have an entire house of stuff, estate sale coordinators will love it and want to work with you. Most of it will be out of your life within a week. I on the other hand had about 30 boxes of things and had to sell it off piecemeal which took about a year!
I have no idea how they work BUT there is a show on PBS called Legacy List and they clean out stuff like this. I figure if one person on tv is doing it, there must be a lot not on tv. Or at least a bunch.
I want a giant farmhouse with 68 acres. Where?
My MIL is 65 and has zero savings. Zero. No retirement, no cash, no investments. She just remortgaged during the pandemic (who takes out a 30 year loan in their 60s?!?!) rather than selling and downsizing like we really encouraged. It’s worth literally 3-4x what she paid for it, and it’s starting to fall apart since her 3rd husband left. She works from home, and could literally move anywhere.
She is also a terrible, terrible person, and we live as far away as possible. She has 3 older sons that are felons, addicts, or just kinda losers. My husband is the youngest and the only one with a stable life – and grimly aware that he may have to make some awful choices in the next 10-15 years.
I have so much to say about this that I don’t even know where to start. I’m am true sandwich generation member, with a kid in middle school and an elderly mom with many serious health issues. My brother lives on the other side of the country, so it all falls to me.
And I love my mom. I want to help my mom! But it can be really overwhelming at times. Not just the extra load of having to do a lot for her on top of an already busy life, although that’s part of it. It’s hard to see my fiercely independent, vibrant, incredibly outgoing and social mom become a little old lady who gets confused and has no stamina to do anything. She hasn’t given up — she still does what she can, but it is very different. Oh, and then there’s the part where she’s old and she’s sick but she’s also the mom who installed all of my buttons and still has the power to make me absolutely crazy at times.
And then, of course, there is the fact that this situation will only get worse, she will need me more and more, and at the end I lose my mom. There is literally no way for it to get better. It sucks.
I am here for this discussion.
My Dad has Parkinson’s, which often comes with a side of cognitive issues. This winter he put off a few important things and kind of made us realize that he probably needs some help with some of the bigger executive-type functions in daily life. So we’ve gotten added to bank accounts and retirement accounts. We’ve put together a schedule for things that he needs to do–taxes, make sure insurance is paid, farm related stuff, etc. We need to get financial power of attorney still. But I’m not sure if there’s anything else we should do. My parents are basically maintaining 2 houses right now (I’m the one with the sister whose husband left her pregnant and they are renting a house near her to help) and right now they seem to be able to handle that. But I hope we know when that is too much.
My Mom has shown some early signs of dementia and her personality will make it so that a) she would rather die than admit it and b) she will be a really, really MEAN person with dementia. Again, she’s 90% fine now, but I have no idea what we’ll do with her if she starts to slip a lot.
Does anyone have any experience with Long Term Care Insurance? I know a lot of people don’t recommend it, but my parents do have it. My understanding is that it pays a certain amount per day if they need a nursing home. But I need to investigate whether it would cover an assisted living place. Or whether it only covers a place if a doctor determines you need to be in there.
And after all of this, I will say that in some ways we are lucky. My parents have a pretty substantial amount of savings that they really haven’t touched. My dad didn’t take social security until he was 72, so he maxed out. Money shouldn’t be an issue (knock on wood) for them unless things get really ugly for a really long time.
But it all still sucks. I don’t have kids so in a lot of ways I don’t have the ‘markers’ that my friends’ parents have when thinking about aging parents. They have kids getting into high school and college so it makes sense that their parents are in their 70’s (not that it makes it easier). But I still feel like I’m 30 and they should be 55 or 60. I do think there is a lot of solidarity though….I know a lot of people are going through very similar things.
The best parenting my mom ever did was buying long term care insurance when she was pretty young (30s, I think). She has a plan that I’m sure you can’t get any more involving no lifetime limits, and it is covering her assisted living. She will likely soon be moving to memory care because her aggression (she has Alzheimer’s) is worsening quite dramatically and we suspect the facility will force a move, and hers will cover that too. It sucked getting them to cover it and my sister and I had to get ab attorney and financial guardianship (my sister now also has PoA) but the fact that she has it is the only thing keeping my sister and me from being driven completely and totally insane (although it’s close).
Also Alzheimer’s fucking sucks and I hate it so much. My
Dad had three kinds of cancer over a decade plus. I’d take that a thousand times over this.
I just want to send you a hug and say I’m sorry and I understand. My mom died of Alzheimer’s in 2017 and my dad of cancer in 2021. I completely agree that the Alzheimer’s was far more difficult and devastating. Give yourselves grace — you are doing the best you can!
Yes it will help defray the cost of assisted living, memory care, home health services etc. It does not defray the cost of Independent living though. I’m working to get my parents 23-year-old policy approved so that claims can start to be made against it. Their company has two approval options. One is a dementia diagnosis which we have so it should be smooth sailing, but my parents are being very procrastinatey about the whole thing even though they’ve put close to $200k towards it in the last 23 years
My parents have long term care insurance and it has been very helpful in covering my mother’s costs. My dad is still quite healthy so he has taken care of the details this time around, so I don’t know all of the specifics. However, I do know that before they could draw on the funds they had to obtain official diagnoses (possibly from multiple doctors to confirm my mother’s dementia – like primary care, a neurologist, and maybe psych?) and then there was a fairly significant waiting period, like 90 days or so. After that waiting period, my dad was able to start getting reimbursed by the insurance, and as far as I am aware, it has been working smoothly. It covered home health aid visits before my mom went to a home, and now it covers her nursing home expenses (still on a reimbursement basis I believe). Her particularly policy just has a lifetime limit, I don’t believe there are limits on how much it will cover per day or week.
I think one issue with LTC insurance may be that the policies available now aren’t as good as the ones from earlier years (like the one my parents bought into) – so it’s entirely possible that the experience my parents are having is no longer typical.
My parents are relatively healthy at 82 and 83, but I see the change coming and I feel very underprepared. My mom’s world has gotten smaller as she walks with a cane and now refuses to fly because it stresses her out too much. My dad is still raring to go (we have family overseas and on the opposite coast in the U.S.) so this is causing some friction between them in their otherwise happy marriage. Now there is talk of selling their house and moving, into…???? Still TBD. And I think it’s good they are thinking ahead, better to plan it yourself than be managing a crisis moment. I guess I’m lucky in that my kids are now both in college so I didn’t get the sandwich generation effect, but I can see my time will start to be filled helping them deal with doctors and house sales and assisted living communities and power of attorney etc etc, and I think I should be studying and researching what the right answers are for all these questions . I don’t think I’m going to ace this test…
THIS and perimenopause dominate the discussions of my sandwich-gen friend group. We toss in some “WTF is the difference between a therian and furry?” chatter to stay current.
My mom passed this year following years of declining health and almost four solid months of hospitalization. According to the medical folks, she was in “active dying” stage for a week. The body shutting down is an ugly, ugly process. It was beautiful to hear my father whisper such tender and loving words to her in her final week. I don’t think I’ve begun to process it yet.
My father is a catch for someone in his mid 70s. One of my mom’s friends made over my father a bit too much while my mom was in the hospital. Another friend of my mom thought this lady was hitting on dad, so devised this entire plan to effectively cockblock this woman. Her plan involved introducing my dad to another lovely lady she knew. When she asked if I wanted to see pics, I had to point out my mom was unresponsive, but still living. It wasn’t the best time. Jesus! These ladies are something.
I’m just holding my breath. My other friends have had to explain catfishing and online scams to their parents.
We don’t live near either set of parents – my in-laws are a different continent and my parents are a 5-6 hour drive from us. Both of my siblings are at least 2.5-3 hours away from my parents too, although luckily my brother-in-law and his family are very close to the in-laws, geographically and emotionally.
My in-laws are late 70s and doing ok for now, although they take a raft of different meds. My parents are early 70s and still live in a big house, very independent etc but I do notice small declines every time I see them – they just seem to find unexpected changes etc much harder to deal with than they used to. They also forget quite a lot of things – my sister and I had discussed the possibility of mental decline but I think actually my mother may be much deafer than she is letting on, and is missing quite a bit of info. The most frustrating thing is that neither of them will really discuss future-proofing their finances or POA etc with us.
My mom is 74 and had a catastrophic stroke in January. She went from living independently and enjoying her friends, hobbies, and family to living in an assisted living center with severe physical and cognitive challenges. She can no longer read, write, or communicate clearly and she is mostly confined to a wheelchair. It absolutely breaks my heart that this happened to her. She was healthy! She went to yoga and old lady strength classes!
We have been lucky in a lot of ways in this terrible situation. My mom had her financial and medical power of attorney docs in order, and I was on her bank account. The assisted living center is incredible and only 5 minutes from my house. She lived in an apartment, not a house, so less stress to manage a move-out. My brother opted out of communicating with me and her and helping in any way, so I have leas support but also there is no drama around decision-making.
My therapist told me that humans are adaptable and in a few months, helping to care for my mom and managing her affairs would seem normal. And she was right, if I don’t think about the awfulness of the situation too hard, it is manageable (but has taken up the majority of the free time and head space I had before her stroke). But now my 17 year old child is faced with addressing severe anxiety, depression and self-harm issues and I am unmoored. Worrying about a child is on a different planet than worrying about an elderly parent. I can’t concentrate at work, I’ve lost my appetite, my daily routines have fallen away. Sandwich generation indeed.
This sounds really hard. We had similar issues with our youngest when they were 17 (they are now 20 and doing great). I can’t imagine dealing with that and the psychiatric issues my MIL is having now all at the same time.
My MIL has been suffering from crippling anxiety for the past two months. So far her doctors haven’t been able to find the right meds and after one day in an intensive outpatient program for seniors with anxiety and/or depression (which would have provided 9 hours of therapy a week), she quit. Up until now, my wife and her brother have been alternating staying with her, in 2-3 week shifts. But there’s complicated family drama involving my BIL and my MIL’s three sisters, who were providing back up care, and as a result, my wife is now the sole caregiver. This doesn’t seem sustainable to me. I am also sad that she’s probably going to be gone for months, with no return date set.
My mom is 88 and lives with her boyfriend about 2-1/2 hours from me (by car). I can definitely see signs of memory stuff when she writes me; we text twice a day since I am deaf and don’t use the phone.
I know she would like me to move closer to her, but I can’t afford to live in that area, and also … I love my mom, but I would go insane if I lived near her again. She becomes clingy, needy, and is so incredibly negative. My brother (who lives fairly near her) texts me and says he can’t talk to her on the phone for long because her complaining makes him nuts.
On top of that, she’s been marinating in Fox News for years now thanks to her boyfriend, and I don’t think I could even stand an overnight visit since they keep it on the TV, at top volume, all day and night. We are total opposites in politics now (we used to be aligned) and all of this makes me sad. I used to think I could take care of her if she needed it but I could absolutely not live with her the way things are now (and she could not navigate my house with many stairs). It is definitely a concern, although she’s currently independent and handling it better than most her age.
Well, this is timely. My mom, age 83, had a stroke in April and has been in the hospital and rehab since. My dad is almost 90, and after nearly 60 years of marriage with my mom being the driving force, has been totally overwhelmed by the sudden loss of, well, everything, and by all the decision-making and adulting that he’s suddenly had to do. When I was out there visiting, he was very proud that he had figured out the laundry because he had never used the washing machine before!
I’m an only child and live halfway across the country so that makes everything harder, plus a whole heaping load of guilt that I can’t be there more for them. The plan now is to move into assisted living and then get their house ready to sell. I just got an email from my dad asking if I could come out within the next two weeks to help with the move. It wasn’t unexpected but wow, that’s not a lot of time. They moved into this house 20 years ago and have done a reasonably good job of keeping it uncluttered, so it isn’t the disaster that some people have to deal with, but still, it seems so overwhelming. But both my parents are the type who will never admit anything is wrong and never admit they need help, so if they’re actually asking for help, then they REALLY need it, so off I’ll go.
I am trying to think of what would have helped me to know when my dad’s end-of-life process began. I would say if you are seeing your person every day, it’s a lot harder to observe how much their baseline changes over time. So if the people who see them (or you, the caregiver) less often hint some help is in order, GO. Push the button or at least investigate their options BEFORE certain guideposts are crossed. I’m not talking about taking someone’s car keys; I mean that it can become unsafe for someone to be alone at home, and at that point it is VERY difficult to set up in-home help or find a place for them to live. Both those processes have steps and are not instantaneous.
Home health is a godsend so ask your person’s medical people for a referral early and often. I got a number to call when I had questions. Once I wasn’t sure my dad needed to go to the hospital or not, and SOMEONE CAME TO THE HOUSE to see.
The vocabulary of assistance options for elders in their homes is confusing and opaque. Get familiar with it before you need it if at all possible.
Finally, writing an obituary while actively, acutely grieving is extremely difficult. I did well enough by my dad but it still bugs me; it was way too focused on what he liked to do toward the end of his life. Sit down with your person way ahead of time when you both can still have a laugh or two about the whole mess. And be prepared for publishing in a newspaper to be a Surprising Expense.
This is hard, y’all. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. There is also a sacred aspect to this kind of caregiving. I’m not sure how to describe that feeling. I guess I’m trying to say I am grateful I got to be my dad’s person. I lived in the area, didn’t have a job at the time, and am not a parent. We didn’t even have pets, and my husband was entirely, amazingly, heroically supportive.
Also, my father’s process revved up alongside COVID, before vaccines. The forced separation and limited visitation complicated everything. It added layers of urgency, tragedy, and grief. I don’t wish those aspects of it on anyone.
Please, please listen to your support people when they urge you toward seeking help. If you are on your own, ask your person’s medical people about it. Set stuff up before you are in the thick of it if at all possible.
And if you want to do something kind for a caregiver, reach out and ask, or follow your heart and do whatever seems right. Just please no live plants.
I like the advice about the obituary. It made me think of a book I read recently which might be complementary to some of this discussion (and was an excellent read) so I highly recommend “Now Departing” by Victor M. Sweeney, by a young mortician about his experiences in death care.
Thanks, will look at!
My dad Forgets Things, especially things that we just talked about. Short term memory I guess. He had a brain scan and everything looks fine – at least according to my parents – so I guess it’s just normal aging? His mom died of Huntington’s which is a terrible disease, but thank God he got tested decades ago and knows he does not have that gene. Still, seeing what happened to my Grandma is a specter that looms over us all.
My mom’s brain is good but she has an increasingly hard time getting around.
My husband’s sister is mentally ill, untreated, and scary. And she has never not been that. I am one of the people that she has laser focused on and I am blamed for everything, despite having no interaction with her and living far away. My in-laws want my husband to administer their estate and use it to give her an allowance when they die, but the thought of having her in our lives is so scary that we would gladly sign away our inheritance to pay an attorney to deal with the sister. It’s truly scary.
rather than rely on your husband, they should have her funds put into a trust with very specific guidelines and use a bank as a corporate trustee. They will take a 1% management fee but the emotion is out of it and so is your husband. I am a former trust officer.
I live a couple of hours flight away from my parents. My sister lives in town with them and my brother lives about an hour away, so they see them far more often than I do. My parents are 78, and relatively healthy: they travel, they’re active in church, they maintain a large network of friendships around the country and the world.
So I was not really prepared on their last visit for the difference especially in my mom. Obvious memory issues, inability to walk farther than a very slow 50 yards without pain (but forget a cane! That’s for old people!), balance issues, reading aloud all her spam texts, etc. She has always had what you might call a strong personality and my dad loves her so much and doesn’t want to argue with her.
My sister has SO MUCH on her plate and I honestly don’t think my mom would react well to the idea of adding her to their bank account. We are all going to have to have some kind of discussion about it, but when? And how?
Based on personal experience, as to the when–the sooner, the better. Life can change in an instant for any of us, no matter what age, and you are already aware of some issues. It’s better to have the luxury of time to make decisions and, most importantly, carry them out as far as creating Powers of Attorney (both medical and legal/financial) so that they know their wishes will be carried out rather than a doctor or financial issue leading to something they would never want, or at least someone else on bank accounts so that bills can be paid and knowing the basics of their monthly bills and how they’re now paid, etc. instead of having to do all of the above in crisis mode when accident or illness forces the issue.
As to the how, it sometimes seems easier to broach the subject as concern based on someone else’s horrible experience (a friend or coworker, even if both the person and the experience are imaginary but close enough to your parents’ situation as possible. “They had nothing planned, and now they’re being forced to do things they don’t want to do just to manage. I certainly wouldn’t want that to happen to you! What would you want done in their situation? We (SO, best friend, etc. have been talking about it, and we definitely want to be prepared when the time comes for us.” “She just had some trouble walking, was only a little dizzy, but she fell and broke her hip AND pelvis and now she’s in a nursing home and they don’t know if she’ll ever be able to go home again. If only she’d tried that gorgeous cane that her daughter/son bought her to use, at least around the house until she got used to it…” It’s so much better to have at least a little choice in your future instead of no choice at all.
If it might seem like you were ganging up to force the issue if all three of you were involved, then choose the sibling–or sibling in-law–that your parents seem to listen to the most already and have them do the broaching, gently, carefully, and most of all, with a great deal of patience. It may take several tries before they’re ready to listen and respond in a way that will hopefully make all your lives easier and less stressful when the time to act comes. And it will come…
I wish you and all your family the very best, and I hope that at least some decisions can be made before they’re forced and absolutely necessary. Above all, patience in all things, especially with yourself.
My parents had a small farm with animals and much to take care of and finally heard our pleas to downsize and prioritize themselves. They were in a nice small home for a few years before approaching us about possibly adding on to our house, a small living space for them. So we did it. They spend about 80% of their time with me, and the other 20% with my sister in another state. So that part is GREAT- they are now very close to keep an eye on, and no 25 minute drive to check up on them. But this situation brings its own challenges. I hear every argument they have – which is on the daily since my mom struggles even using hearing aids and my dad is starting to lose his but doesn’t want to admit it. My mom doesn’t drive, and my dad’s is getting shaky, but he doesn’t want to admit it. I am already the driver for certain procedures, or for very far away appointments. They were borderline hoarders their whole life and they are replicating it as best they can in the 600 sq ft allotted to them. Sigh. I’m thankful my work offers some caregiver leave coverage now- prior I was using my vacation time to take them to surgeries, etc. I love having them close, but it does cause some conflict, especially within my circle of husband, college-age daughter and me. My sister has called crying like 3 times in the short while they have been staying with her family. It is just A LOT, even in an ‘ideal’ situation and I live in fear of one of them being wheelchair bound soon. I read everyone’s comments- we are all just doing the best we can with the situations we have, But I know it is temporary and things will probably change (for the worse) before this is all over. I’m grateful they do have some good long term care coverage, but also despair over the options around here. Just constant worries, and trying to keep the peace amongst the 50 and under members of the household. Sandwich generation indeed- panini sandwich squished flat! Love to all….
In the last 6 years my sister and I have dealt with the quick decline and death of our mom from pancreatic cancer, supporting our dad living alone in with dementia (thankfully a slow decline there), discovering scam that stole $40K from him, paying his bills, cleaning out his house, arranging his move/sale of his house, and setting him up in an assisted living facility with in home care givers. I’m grateful that he and my mom did estate planning and have enough resources for his current care. Dad is the sweetest man even with the dementia changes, and took the move in stride, for the most part. My spouse and I also supported my father-in-law in our home while he was dying of cancer; he died in our new house two days after we moved! (Still recovering from the stress of that one!) We are still dealing with his estate going through probate in two places. From all these experiences, my take aways are to downsize my home and possessions while I have the capacity. I really see the need for good estate planning – having a will and going through probate court is a Huge pain in the ass and has been costly. A trust is the way to go (at least for those of us in the US) even though you have to deal with the costs of lawyers upfront to set it up.
We opted for an alternative solution, which was naming a professional as executor of our estate rather than a family member (specifically our credit union offers this, though I imagine there are other options, probably more expensive than the credit union) . Obviously there will be a cost associated down the road but having done this for each of our dads, my DH and I did not want to ask anyone we love to do it for us. And we have no family member who is an obvious right choice, those with the skills have too much else on their plates, and those with the head space lack the skills.
Can you elaborate on the process of creating a trust?
It involves working with a lawyer who specializes in estate planning and they walk you through the process. You choose the trustee (who manages the trust) and your beneficiaries (who will receive your assets). There’s a step to put your accounts in the trust.
A living trust, rather than a plain trust, would offer the benefits of seamless transition rather than, as you mention, a will and the hell that is probate. It’s like whack-a-mole: just when you think you finally have it all done and settled, some new thing pops up and you’re back to the bank and the attorney in an endless cycle with endless frustration.
A living trust can allow the person who creates it to make changes if necessary and still keep everything–house, finances–in their name and under their watchful eye, until their death when it automatically goes to their chosen beneficiaries. No will, no probate, no court dates, no more attorneys or costs. All taken care of just the way they want things and so much less stress for whoever is left behind.
I was initially eager for this comments section and the chance to vent, and then every time I come back it makes me so sad. We are ALL dealing with some level of this, or we will be soon, and it is normal and natural… and so horrifically sad.
My parents have been vibrant, active adults late into their seventies. Sure, they’ve each had health issues here and there, but they have dealt with them and bounced back. It seems like in the past couple of years, the decline has gotten steeper. They are both less mobile. My dad may be in the beginning stages of dementia and he is in pain all the time, even though he pushes through it. Each of them has had multiple major surgeries in the past couple of years, with more to come. I know this is How It Goes, and I hate it.
I will say that the best thing about my parents is they are extremely logical and unafraid to talk about and plan for their death. They bring it up more than I’m comfortable with, but at least I know that there are plans and they have thought things through and they aren’t leaving their kids to figure it out on our own. They also took the step of moving to an assisted living community with graduated care. I know that’s a tremendous luxury that not everyone can plan for, and I’m grateful they had the resources to make it a priority decades ago.
My in-laws are the opposite in every way, except for the part about the steadily increasing number of health problems. They live out of state, so my current hope AND fear is that they will decide to move here (instead of to their other kid’s state) and we will have four aging parents nearby.
It took me a long time to come up with how to end the previous sentence, because I kept coming up with things like “the burden of” or “the responsibility for” or “dealing with” and, as someone posted above, it is A GIFT to be with those you love as they near the end of their lives, even when it’s hard, even when it breaks your heart. It is also hard and heartbreaking. Especially when you have kids who have their own needs and struggles.
I have nothing specific to share, and I have ZERO advice to give, but I am reading and sending you all love. I appreciate you giving us this space to talk about and think through this stuff, Swistle. Thank you.
My parents and in-laws are all deceased now, but I learned a lot through the process of aging paretns. (Heck, my husband is 70 and I am 65 so I guess we would be in the category of “aging parents”) One of the things that my siblings and in-law siblings did was to strongly encourage the parents to downsize. That can be very emotional for people, so it took some time to convince them that they would be happier. Both sets eventually moved, fathers died, and the mothers had already gone through it, so it was much easier for them to move into assisted living. My husband and I have recently sold our house and moved into something more manageable for the future. Also medical POA and joint bank accounts are essential. Again, sometimes it takes a while to convince them that it is a good idea, so start early (don’t wait until they start declining)! Alzheimers/dementia is horrible…my only suggestion there is be careful if you have children and bring your parent into your home. Happened to my husband with his grandmother and she got mean and it really devastated him.
My parents (mid 70s) recently ignored and then whiffed a few administrative life tasks, which triggered time and expense for my husband and me to fix. Which was frustrating enough, but then later my mom butt-dialed me and inadvertently left me a 6 minute voicemail message where I can hear her and my dad complain about how annoying and dramatic I was being about the whole thing. Ughhhhhhh.
About downsizing— on their latest visit, my mom said several things about wanting all their things to stay “in the family,” and I had to gently explain that they have a 4 bedroom house full of furniture and art and china and linens and other things, and their children have much smaller houses that are already full of our own treasured possessions, so while we will certainly want a few of their things, we will not want most of them. This seemed to be a new idea.
My mother-in-law was awesome about this. She had each family (6 sons and wives) come over and identify what we would like. (fortunately there were no arguments). Those items were marked with our names. She either gave them to us then or we got them after she died. Anything else was donated or tossed. Of course there were still some things left but not much. She enjoyed the pleasure we got from the things we did want.
My father-in-law saved absolutely nothing for retirement. He is fortunate that my MIL was a teacher and we live in a state that has a very good teacher’s pension. He is also fortunate that when she retired, she chose the pension payment plan that left something for him after she passed. If it weren’t for that pension, he would only have social security, which is not enough to live off of in our high cost of living area. It boggles my mind that he never saved a dime. I just don’t understand.
Not parents, but last summer we went on vacation with my SIL, 67 and her niece, 50; we discovered they’d both been keeping terrible secrets about how disabled they’ve become. I was able to get each of them to take a necessary medical step, but I’m sorry to say that it didn’t have the intended result for either one after a year of recovery. It’s beyond depressing. They live together and each needs a caregiver, yet they are always angry at the other for not finding it in themselves to be a caregiver to the other. There is hoarding and a house that doesn’t stay repaired for long, and a lot of worry about where the niece will go if SIL has to go to a nursing home or eventually dies. I reached burnout levels with them last year, helping SIL after a surgery, and then helping empty out some spots for downsizing. But then SIL decided not to sell, and was angry that she “lost” important items in the cleanout. Yes, those went on her Christmas wish list. I had to learn that you simply cannot want it more than they do. With a child, you have responsibility and control. With an adult, you really have to decide if you can accept responsibility without having any control. It’s also incredibly hard to face that your relatives have emotional and mental health issues that they do not want to do one thing about. You may have to say, let the chips fall, and consider that the state may have to step in when a certain point is reached. It’s not fun, I can say that.
I was among those who suggested this post to @Swistle, and oof — I’m so sorry for all the many (the parents we are writing about very much included) dealing with difficult situations and declines.
My household has navigated the aging of 6 parents (4 biological, 2 step both on my husband’s side) and the deaths of 6 of those, with just 1 still with us.
I’ve been pretty lucky, and yet … it’s hard. More than a decade ago, my dad whose chief life strategy was denial which worked so well for him for many years (but then less well) died, after (a) gradually having anything resemble a managed life plan fall to pieces after my mom divorced him (entirely deservedly and good for her) and then (b) developing dementia and breaking a hip and losing the ability even to get in/out of bed independently. Long story short he spent his final years in Medicaid-funded skilled nursing care, which wasn’t great but also wasn’t the worst, and he did have me and a few others around for companionship and support (and always knew who he/we were, and loosely speaking what was going on and that he was glad I’d brought him a Hershey bar. So definitely not the worst-case scenario. In some ways I’m amazed he didn’t end up homeless under a bridge, which I say slightly but not entirely facetiously). So that was tough but not awful, and having learned to set boundaries, I was able to stand by that concept as he declined (also, although he wanted me to move him into my home and care for him there was literally no way that could have been possible, even had I been willing. He needed 24/7 care from trained and equipped providers).
My husband’s dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly (brain hemorrhage). His wife survived a few years after he died, but had struggled with clinical depression for decades and had care from her kids in the last few years of her life.
My husband’s mom died from cancer, which was difficult, but she did have family visiting (we lived about 6 hours away) and care from her husband to the end. Then her husband basically decided to reject family and take up with younger women which … OK? Seriously, he cut us off, which seemed sad but also meant we couldn’t and didn’t have to do anything (one of his daughters did provide him with assistance toward the end of his life, which I know was hard for her, not just the provision but also wrangling to get him to accept it).
And that leaves my mom. Who is in so many ways a best-case story, we have lived in the same community for decades (the same one I grew up in). My husband and I bought a larger home in 2019 that has a separate (but connected) apartment and she moved in there. She has her own driveway (we added that – though IMO she shouldn’t be driving, which she knows, but ignores, I went through trying to work out how to get my father’s driving privileges revoked and it is almost impossible in this state, though happily in his case the broken hip and related inabilities solved that problem), entrance, kitchen, bath — the only thing we share is a washer/drier, which is in our part of the house. Of course in 2020 the pandemic hit and I was so glad she was with us. And yet also, that meant my then then-middle-school-aged son had to be extra careful not to bring COVID home to the old folks (fortunately he did not, and was, indeed, very responsible, but he did observe some more constraints than some of his friends, though in all honesty I might have insisted on those anyway), and my mom’s world got much smaller (not of course a unique pandemic-related problem, by any means). When I pictured us living together, I pictured her life as it was in 2019, which involved independent travel and a plethora of volunteering outside the house, and social groups, etc. But between the pandemic cutting those off and aging, well, her life has changed. And I know this shouldn’t surprise me! Also, she’s very proactive about planning, has good long-term care insurance (the kind you can no longer buy at any reasonable price nowadays, even though hers is not cheap) and membership in a local continuing-care community that allows buy-in without move-in. Still, I have been surprised by the ways in which our lives overlap and in which she seems to me isolated, even living in my house and in a social neighborhood with its very own aging-in-place social group (not kidding, we have lots of aging neighbors also, each a case study in their own special ways about the challenges and in some cases, questionable choices involved in living independently as you age). But … I am so very lucky she is a planner and resourceful and smart (and seeks out good advice), and also to have her nearby even if at times the nearby feels … very nearby.
Im 41, parents 79 & 81. They are doing great -I’m the one with cancer. My fear is the inevitable happening (not just death but something like a stroke) happening while I’m going through treatment and am not able to handle things like I should be able to. My kids are 7 & 10 so the little energy I have goes to them. I’m also separated from my husband and so don’t have that extra support for my parents like I’d wish a son-in-law would give. It’s scary knowing that although they are well -and I am so grateful for this!- time is not on their side.
Thank you for this, Swistle. And to all the comments which I cherished reading.
My 82 yo mom had been on a decluttering streak and has been anxious about family heirlooms that me and my siblings do not want. We found someone local who deals in antiques and are working on selling what we can. I’d much rather my parents have the money than the boxes sitting in the basement! My siblings are not helpful for various reasons so I will deal with everything when the time comes but my parents are very practical and have done all of the end of life financial stuff that they could think of.
I’ve been lucky in many ways but also that my dad can still drive so he takes her to appointments. That would be hard for me to do with a full time job.
It is sad to see them decline and it definitely makes me wonder what will happen to me as a single person with not much support system.
After throwing out boxes of junk from their basement, I feel the need to declutter my space but don’t have the energy!
Anyway, no lessons or advice here, just commiseration!
My mom, who loves me so much, has gotten more and more difficult as she ages. She keeps moving around, so she doesn’t have a community, and I am her only child. She’s single and it’s all on my shoulders.
She got herself checked for dementia and the results came back “no dementia, just brilliant and impulsive”.
She is brilliant. Quick and deep thinker, sees the world in an inimitable way. She is phenomenal at her profession, and she is the most abstract thinker I have ever known. She’s also viciously critical even when she tries to hold back. She has more flash-in-the-pan expensive hobbies than most entire families. She is sometimes unkind.
I sometimes think about how much I will miss her and how I am wasting the years I have left with her because I don’t know what else to do.
I am late to the party on this, but for anyone who (like me) returns to Swistle posts as a reference source, here are things I have learned as a result of my ILs’ and parents’ aging and death processes. The only one left is my mom, who has “mild cognitive impairment” as she heads toward 100 (a couple of years off, but still).
Save as much as you can for retirement. Good care and good outsourcing of things is expensive.
If you can afford a nonprofit lifeplan community (formerly a CCRC), get on a waiting list.
If you have siblings, assume that at least one of them will be total dead weight when it comes to helping with parents.
Downsizing is a constant process until it’s an emergency. Estate sales companies exist to make a profit for themselves, and they do that by emptying your wallet. Call a trash hauling company. Some of them will recycle/donate whatever they can.
Arguing with your parents will likely get you nowhere.
You can’t treat your parents like children, but some of the skills you acquired as a parent will come in very handy as you deal with your own parents.
Use what you learned from your parents’ aging to make your kids’ lives better during yours.
Swistle – i remember many years ago you talked about your mom aging – and how once a person gets to be a certain age when they have issues/health problems/whatever – instead of being nonchalant about it the way you can be in your thirties/forties – it can suddenly feel like SOMETHING IS WRONG – even when it might still just be a nothing – the perspective has changed. When you wrote that I felt I was young (so if it was 2 years ago and not 10 years ago, that’s on me…) – but now I feel like (at 60) I’m careening wildly into old age and I’m not a fan. I mean – sure – it beats the alternative, I just always felt like being old was so far down the road, it wasn’t something I needed to worry about. I see my wrinkly face, frozen shoulder, osteoporosis and worry – what’s next? A broken hip? My mom is 82 (lives with my sister) and so far, besides being kind of mean as ever – is still lucid and active. So maybe I’m not on the downhill slide just yet at 60 – I’m still working and likely will until I fall over at my desk, but I think of my kids (2 daughters) and I don’t want to ever be a burden – but sticking me in a nursing home seems less than ideal. I’ve got a few years, maybe I’ll come up with a plan. :)
I’m enjoying this thread, even if it’s moderately stressing me out. I guess I’ll purge all the “important” crap that’s in my garage – that will be my takeaway – no one wants my stuff when I’m gone. <3