For the first 10 minutes I was back from vacation, I was all “What a refreshing and rejuvenating break!” and “It’s so good to be home!” Then there were 6 messages on the answering machine that needed dealing with, including a call from the Census Bureau who couldn’t understand their own forms and couldn’t imagine a household with more than six people in it and needed to ask if each person in the household including the children had been in prison over the past year, and several increasingly-agitated calls from the swimming lesson people saying I’d filled out the wrong forms (i.e., the ones online marked “2010 Swimming Lesson Sign-up Forms”) and needed to fill out an entirely new batch of forms (“If you go online, you can find them”) which had been newly updated to make less sense and not include spaces for necessary information. And then Rob claimed the word “delegation” wasn’t in the dictionary, and William said he owed us $1.25 and we owed him an allowance and did I have change for a dollar, and Elizabeth knocked over her book stack and needed a spider removed from her room, and all the laundry baskets are full, and there’s a huge pile of mail to go through, and bills need to be paid before the end of the month, and I have several hundred new emails, and I still need to unpack, and I haven’t had dinner yet, and really I feel like turning around and going right back out the door. It’s like that episode of The Simpsons where Marge’s hair is falling out so they get a Mary Poppins type to help out, and everything is WONDERFUL, and then the Mary Poppins character leaves and within minutes Marge’s hair is falling out.

Oh hai I’m back. I had a great time. I will feel happier in the morning!

The birdhouse toy I bought to lure the niece is a total success. She didn’t want to play with me at all, and then I took out the toy and started playing with it all casual-like, and soon she was handing me birds and I was handing her birds and the birds were going INTO and OUT OF the birdhouse, and it is actually a pretty fun toy for me too.

I love how my hair conceals my double chin. Unintentional score.

Here I am showing the bird’s cute little feet (two birds have little flappy feet and two have feet that are little knots in a cord). Do I look a little unfamiliar with hair down and glasses off (and, if you must know, wearing pajamas)? I didn’t quite recognize myself, either, when I was rooting through my brother’s photo software looking for some to steal (both photos are by my sister-in-law).

She is a great, great niece. We spend a lot of time admiring her.

We also spend a lot of time drinking wine. Great, great trip.

Tomorrow is my flight home. On the way here I got my favorite seat on both flights (even after coming off one flight to see the other flight’s status was “BOARDING” and having to run for it, and it turned out the other gate was in an entirely different wing of the airport), and I read an entire book (Speak Softly, She Can Hear, which was a fine book and I would neither recommend nor not-recommend it). This time I’m hoping to have enough of a layover to (1) not do any running, and (2) eat at the airport Wendy’s, and (3) buy postcards at the airport shop. Dream big, baby. Dream big.

Do you like lists? OH ME TOO! I have a Travel List that I print out before every trip, and it makes me feel like I won’t lose my mind with pre-travel fretting. If you are bored by lists, you can duck out now: that’s all the post is. This is what fits in one carry-on-sized suitcase and one carry-on bag:

Swistle’s Airplane Travel List

3-ounce bottles in quart-size ziploc: deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, hair gel, body wash, body lotion, face lotion, lip balm, toothpaste, hand sanitizer, Febreze

make-up: undereye concealer, powder, blush, eyebrow brush, eyeliner, lipstick, lip balm

snacks: pecans, almonds, apples, chocolate-covered cherries, pretzels, Dove almond squares

EMPTY water bottle
NO Swiss Army knife
all food wrapped

light jacket and flannel shirt
camera and spare batteries and small battery charger
travel alarm clock
cell phone and charger
Sudoku calendar and pen
wallet: license, credit card, heath insurance card, cash, change
notepad
books and magazines
earrings and rings
glasses
toothbrush and floss
ponytail holders and claw clip
comb
razor
pouf
medications including Dramamine, tylenol, allergy, eye drops
vitamins including vitamin C, zinc
prescriptions including dailies, sleep, anxiety
laundry bag
socks and wool socks
underwear
handkerchiefs
jammies
sandals and shoes
jeans and shorts
t-shirts
skirt, dressy tee, stockings, dressy black sandals, sparkly earrings
itinerary and boarding pass

Take off shoes
Take off coat
Take out bag of liquids
Take out bag of medications
Take out bag of electronics

Fill water bottle
Take Dramamine

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Various notes on the list (because the only thing that can improve on a list is a list ABOUT the list):

The “take off/out” list is so I don’t panic in the security check. They don’t require you to take out electronic stuff (chargers, phone, camera, clock), but last time they unpacked my whole suitcase to get a closer look at my travel alarm clock so it’s easier to just chuck that stuff in the bin. I put them all in a gallon-sized ziploc and keep it in my carry-on until I go through, and then I pack it in my suitcase afterward.

The last two things on the list are for after security. (I remember to pee without putting it on the list.)

Sudoku calendar: When calendars were marked down to, like, a dollar, I bought a sudoku-a-day one. I take off a little chunk of pages to put in my travel bag. Nice and small, and cheap, and I can throw away each page as I finish it.

Glasses: New to this trip’s list: before I bought a ton of fashion glasses I was always WEARING my only glasses. Now I have many pairs and needed to remember to bring an extra pair for decorative purposes.

Wallet: I don’t like to bring a purse (it would take the place of a carry-on), so I have a wee little zippered pouch I put the essentials in.

Febreze: I found it in travel-size but in a scent I don’t like, so I dumped it out and refilled it with the lavender kind. It is so nice for spritzing on clothes at night if you find you probably should have brought an additional pair of jeans.

Lip balm: Not only is it in two different baggies, I have another in my pocket and another in the carry-on’s pocket. LET’S NOT RUN LOW ON LIP BALM.

Oh, okay, good, now I’m nervous about my trip. I leave around lunchtime on Friday, and right now it is Wednesday evening, and I’ve been having to talk myself through it. Like: “Even if one of your travel anxiety dreams came true and you forgot all about your flight until you had to leave immediately without packing, EVEN THEN, you would grab your purse and a book and you would board that plane, and when you got to Eric and Anna’s they’d take you to Target and you’d buy a package of underwear and a pair of the exact same jeans you like already, and a couple of t-shirts, and a clearance duffle bag to carry it back home with you, and some new books and snacks for the flight home and it would in fact be kind of a fun thing. SO QUIT WORRYING THAT YOUR TRAVEL-SIZE DEODORANT WILL BE TOO SMALL.”

Besides, I know perfectly well I will be happy as soon as I’m walking into the airport, my pink suitcase clicketying along behind me as I breeze past all the people waiting in line to check bags, pretending it’s because I’m such a savvy traveler rather than that I’m only going away for a few days. I love airports. Lovvvvvvvvvve airports. I will buy postcards, and maybe a doughnut to eat while I wait in the security-check line. After I go through (and I do hope I can avoid the pat-down this time, even though the security guard was very gentle and polite), I will fill my empty water bottle at a drinking fountain. I will calculate the best possible time for a Last Pee Before Boarding. I’ll be in the first boarding group (I paid the extra $10 for early check-in) and I’ll get my favorite seat (row 20, window, on the left side of the plane as you’re walking toward the back of the plane). BEST SEAT.

I will settle in and start reading a book and eating snacks, and then there will be the take-off, which I LOVE, and then I will take too many pictures out the window. And then there will be the layover and I’ll walk around ANOTHER airport, feeling all travel-wise because I! Am! Somewhere I’m usually not! More postcards. A weird-time-of-day meal at the airport Wendy’s. Onto a new plane with another take-off. And then it’s Eric and Anna and Niestle and whoooo!

Okay, now back to fretting, and to doing laundry as if everyone will run out of clothes in the four days I’m gone.

Such bad dreams last night! Beaten, tortured, trapped! Fire and explosions! I kept waking up with that whole-body, steeped-in-cold-fear feeling. What the heck, brain?

So far I’ve had only one Travel Stress dream in anticipation of this weekend’s Niece Visit: I dreamed that I kept disappearing and reappearing, like the guy does in The Time Traveler’s Wife. This was interfering with my ability to catch a flight.

I’m having lots of fun doing Not-Really-Necessary Pre-Trip Things. Like, baking and freezing muffins so the children will have them while I’m gone, and doing an extra hair-glossing treatment, and browsing travel sizes of things I already have in travel sizes, and ordering a new skirt I probably won’t bring with me even if it fits. But still: fun! I wonder if this is why articles like “12 Days to the Perfect Summer Eyebrow!” are popular: they give a feeling of pleasant work toward a pleasant goal, but without being important enough to cause stress?

I’ve also been working on things I really do want to work on before I go, like my Milk and Cookies post due Wednesday mornings: my flight comes in Tuesday night, so perhaps I should get that done ahead of time? And yet, I am still distracted by last week’s post, in which I made a list of postcard sets I’ve found useful for Postcrossing. Because in the process of writing it, I found a search term (“postcard book cards”) that has found me way more cards than I’ve found before. I’ve already ordered a book of Marilyn Monroe postcards, and in my cart I have Lincoln postcards, SomeEcards postcards, and flower fairies postcards (even though the artist isn’t from the U.S.). I keep browsing through page after page of possibilities.

AND I’ve been distracted by the post I wrote for tomorrow’s Milk and Cookies (edit: it’s posted now), which is going to be about small happy purchases (like, $10 and under). Writing such an article encouraged me to research future small happy purchases I could consider. There has been much browsing, and some of it has been of LARGE happy purchases. I want this bird salt-and-pepper set so badly:

(image from Amazon.com)

Take one shot each time:

• a child tantrums
• a drink is spilled
• anyone barfs
• anyone poops
• anyone uses their pants instead of the potty
• there’s a blow-out diaper
• someone else’s pee gets on you
• someone’s clothes need to be changed between morning dressing and nighttime
• (additional shot for any of these done in the car)
• a child wears a white shirt on spaghetti/pizza night
• a child needs attention between Child Bedtime and Parent Bedtime
• a child needs a costume for a school project
• a child breaks something special to you
• a child tells a joke
• a child relates the plot of a TV show
• a child asks an embarrassing question in public
• a child makes an embarrassing remark in public
• you have to unclog a toilet you didn’t clog
• a toilet overflows
• a show/movie you hate is playing for more than the 100th time (1 shot per time over 100)
• Disney releases a new movie
• a baby is up more than 3 times in the night, or for more than 1 hour
• an older child is up more than once in the night
• any child awakens for the day before 5:00 a.m.
• someone eats something disgusting
• bad-tasting medicine must be forced into a resistant child
• there is spit-up on your shirt
• there is a moldy sippy cup under the couch
• a school project needs significant parental assistance
• you have to attend a school presentation
• you have to attend a parent-teacher conference
• you get a call from the principal
• you get a note from the teacher
• you get a school fundraising form
• you put a lot of effort into dinner and someone won’t eat it (one shot per someone)
• you have to track down an unpleasant smell
• you have to launder barf-covered clothing
• you get bitten
• bodily fluids land on upholstered furniture
• anyone says to you, “You think this is bad, just wait until…”
• anyone says to you, “Enjoy every moment!”

Please do not actually play this drinking game. Remember: alcohol poisoning KILLS.

I have new jeans! Emily and I have been very, very sorry to see the skinny jeans trend. I really didn’t think it would catch on because it looks so ridiculous—and that’s exactly what I thought about wide-legged jeans when I was wearing jeans so skinny I had to unzip the ankles to get my feet through. What I’m hoping is that being in my mid-30s gives me a little break on being cutting-edge fashionable—like, maybe dark-rinse bootcut pants are no longer THE VERY HIPPEST, but at least they’re a step closer to it than my old taper-legged light denim jeans, and so for a non-fashion-hobbyist I feel PRETTY HIP.

Anyway, my new jeans. They’re the Ultra Fit Bootcuts from Lands’ End, and they’re $29.99 down from $68.50, and there’s almost always a free-shipping code for Lands’ End. I had one RIGHT HERE and now I can’t find it. Oh, here it is: promotion code SUNPORCH and pin number 6125, through May 18, no minimum purchase. [Edit: Crap, it appears that code will only work two times total. But if you sign up for the Lands’ End email mailing list, they send out a free shipping code about once a week. I never pay shipping from there.]

Listen, I am just never going to remember to wash the mirror before I take photos, that is JUST HOW IT IS.

(I took a photo of them from the back, too, but that goes a little beyond my comfort zone for my new “Okay, I Will Post Photos Of Myself” policy. But if you’re thinking of ordering the pants and want to see the back view, email me and I’ll email you the photo—which, if you can believe it, is of EVEN POORER QUALITY than the one of the front view. It is challenging to photograph one’s own backside, and perhaps that is a blessing anyway.)

I’ve been wearing the Merona stretch jeans from Target, and I get those in a size 20w but they’re Quite Snug in that size, and in fact I think I’d buy the 22w next time. The Lands’ End ones are also a 20w but more what I’d consider Just Right. (This is odd because I bought the super-cute Outside Adventure Pants in size 20w, too, but they’re too small. No stretch in the adventure pants, I think is the problem.)

They’re fitted in the thigh, and quite wide from the knee down. In fact, I would have called them “wide leg” or something because they’re more than merely bootcut. You could fit TWO boots in that leg. It seems to me they’re cut just like these Modern Wide-Leg Chinos, which, by the way, I think I’d better buy now that they’re down to $19.99 from $50.00, don’t you think so?

Did you know that the United States post office will let you mail LIVE SCORPIONS but not liquor? It’s true! And let me tell you, I had to wade through a TON of that article to get to the information I wanted. How hard is it, you might ask, to say “No, you may not mail liquor”? VERY HARD INDEED, as it turns out. (It is also difficult to say, “Yes, you may mail live scorpions,” but at least there is a positive result for all your research.)

Also, did you know it’s “scorpions” and not “scorpians”? I did not!

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Ug, I had such a bad dream last night: I took Benchley to the vet and they cut off one of his paws because their staff pet psychic told them it was the right thing to solve Benchley’s uterus problems. And I was on one hand aware that there was no sense arguing at this point with the paw already gone, and on the other hand I was, “You thought my MALE cat had problems with his UTERUS??” and thinking to myself, “Next time I’m going to have to ask them to call me before they do anything.” I was relieved to wake up and squeeze of all of Benchley’s soft little paws.

********

Our (discontinued) flatware pattern was from Target, and it’s Hampton Finesse. And for years I have been thinking it was called Hampton Filigree. IMAGINE MY SHOCK. But also I was relieved, because the pattern is not at all filigreeish: it’s three little squares in a column at the base of each brushed-metal handle.

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I haaaaaaaaaaate the way the batteries have to be changed in the Leapfrog Didj. The instructions are: “*picture of dime* *picture of triangle*” That’s it. Those are the instructions. You have to put a dime in a slot and…? All I know is, sometimes the battery compartment pops open when I put the dime in, and sometimes I end up breaking the plastic and hurting my finger on the dime. And there are TWO OF THEM, one on each side of the Didj! I thought having to unscrew a battery compartment was bad, but this is FAR FAR WORSE.

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If I see you pulled over on the side of the road talking on your cell phone, I send out such huge love rays in your direction you might get a tan from it.

So. The diet. I wouldn’t say it’s OFF, exactly, but it’s not exactly ON, either. If you could see through the computer screen to my desk you would see Nutella. You would also see an empty bowl that used to be generously full of chocolate-covered dried cherries.

I just. You know? Just, eh. Food is so yummy. I like to eat it. This results in me being kind of poofy and soft. I’m having trouble getting worked up about it WHILE I’m eating the Nutella. Check back later.

Oh! You know how I wear jeans and a t-shirt and maryjanes Every Single Day? Well, it’s pretty clear to me after more than three decades that fashion is not going to be one of my hobbies, but I was very encouraged when I bought a new shirt for that Christmas party last year and found I liked it and felt happy in it. I haven’t worn it since, of course. But still! So when I went to Target with Rob and Henry this weekend, I left Rob in charge of Henry and I tried things on.

I tried on ELEVEN things! Including dresses, because Miss Grace has totally inspired me about dresses. I didn’t buy any of the dresses (they were designed for someone shorter than me, I think, because they fit perfectly from side to side and yet looked very comical in the vertical, like I should be wearing a lace-trimmed diaper cover underneath), and I didn’t buy any of the sleeveless shirts (I still don’t like the way they look on me: they emphasize my narrow shoulders and soft upper arms, while de-emphasizing my small waist), and I didn’t buy the shorts (they were the pedal-pusher length I like, but tiiiiiiight at the knee which I don’t like), and I didn’t buy the t-shirts (too boxy and shapeless and short). But I DID buy a Liberty of London shirt, and it is NOT a t-shirt! Dig it:

(image from Target.com)

It does not look quite like this on me. Picture it twice as wide and a few inches shorter, so that the ruffle sticks out like a tutu over my butt if I don’t occasionally adjust it.

I didn’t think I could wear Liberty of London because they don’t have plus sizes (in their Target line, I mean; I don’t know if the regular line has them), but I tried on the XL in a what-the-heck moment of breezy confidence, and it fiiiiiiiiiiit. I don’t know if I’ll ever wear it even one time, because every morning I look in my closet and I choose a t-shirt, but even HAVING this new shirt is a huge step! And it’s so pretty and colorful! I just love it! And now I have a “cute top” in case I go to something where such a thing is called for! And it was 50% off!

Edit: Okay, here is a picture of me wearing the shirt. Do you know what’s tricky? Taking photos in the mirror. I tried not to pose (hip jutting, 45 degree angle, arm flexed, one leg tucked behind other as if needing to pee), but it was difficult to resist.

I also bought a new pair of the Target jeans I like, because one of the two pairs I bought before is significantly tighter (feels a half-size smaller) than the other, and so I never ever wear those, and so I’m right back where I was, wearing pajama pants while the only pair I like is in the wash. These new ones better fit nice or I’mma gonna fling something (possible the Nutella).

I am at a loss how the last post went so awry. A lot of you DID read it as I meant it: those were the “Ha ha ha!” comments. Some of you “agreed with me”—but about things I definitely wasn’t saying. Some of you “disagreed with me”—but about things I definitely wasn’t saying. And my guess is that there were tons of people who didn’t like the post but didn’t leave a comment.

I come from a Christian family and was myself a Christian until I was 21. Many of my dearest friends and relatives—people I love and respect—are Christians, and I wrote the post keeping their feelings in mind. Most of the things in the post are jokes I’ve cracked to MY MOTHER, who is the Christianyist Christian I know, and she LAUGHED. I mean, “resenting” God! Ha ha ha ha ha!! That title CRACKS ME UP! Like saying an ant resents our town’s planning committee’s zoning decisions! Ha ha ha!

I went to a Christian college that thought it was not only right but GOOD to discuss (and even joke about) the things in the Bible that are incompatible with what the majority of the world’s population would EVER sign up for if it were in the Christianity contract. On paper, looking at the Old Testament, I doubt any of us would join. “Hey, would you like to this religion? God is running on a platform of virgin rape, civilization destruction, and sending bears to massacre little children!”

Er, no. And so my assumption is that Christians DON’T have those stories as part of their belief system, and so those stories are safe to make jokes about. If I make a joke about a story in which God sends bears to maul children for teasing a prophet, I’m assuming that doesn’t attack ANYONE’S personal belief system. And if it DOES attack your belief system, uh…..I mean, I guess I want it to, then, just as I would if your belief system involved bombing daycare centers. At my college, the discussion usually ended up with us trying to figure out what was true and what was a parable, and where the line could be drawn between scripture being inspired by God but written down by men, and how much we felt we could chalk up to the human mind not being able to understand the mind of God.

In the family I grew up in, too, discussion and frank talk and jokes about “women not talking in church ha ha ha” were allowed and encouraged. My dad was a minister and a Hebrew language scholar, so he had many excellent explanations for how parts of the Bible had been mistranslated or taken out of context. Blind, unquestioning acceptance of every word in the Bible was not considered part of being a thinking Christian. The conclusion of a hard discussion about, say, killing children for teasing a prophet, was that we DON’T like that and we DON’T understand it, but that not liking/understanding some part of the Bible, or feeling like we don’t like/understand a way God did something, doesn’t make us bad Christians or non-Christians. What it means is that we have to wait until we got to Heaven to understand the big picture—or to find out how something was mis-recorded.

NOTHING I wrote in that post criticized CHRISTIANS. And I apologize to those of you who thought I shouldn’t write about just one religion, but like most of us I’m only FAMILIAR with one religion. I’d write about the others if I knew any others. It’s not like I’m a world religions scholar but am singling out Christianity to pick on.

NOTHING I wrote in that post was intended to MOCK anyone, even though the word “mock” came up again and again and again in the comments. “Criticize”? Sure, you could call it that, if you don’t think it’s okay to joke about anything in the Bible. But “MOCK”? To quote The Princess Bride, I do not think that word means what you think it means. How is it “mocking Christians” to discuss the problems in the story of Job? Don’t Christians think there’s a problem there too? I was assuming they did. I guess I might have mocked someone if I thought they didn’t think there was a problem—but since my assumption was that everyone agreed there WAS a problem, I didn’t get around to doing any mocking.

NOTHING I wrote said or implied that Christians were dumb. I don’t even understand how anyone could have gotten that. I didn’t discuss Christians AT ALL. And again: my assumption is that Christians DON’T think it was awesome when God authorized the rape of virgins. If you thought I was saying Christians DID think it was awesome, I guess you could say I was criticizing Christian beliefs, but saying Christians are DUMB? Whuh?

I don’t mind telling you it made me both hurt and angry that a few of you said you were ditching me because of that post. That makes me feel like you expect me to be perfect: one screw-up and I am WORTHLESS and you are GONE. I make mistakes. Sometimes I might do a poor job of communicating what I mean, or sometimes I might make a joke you don’t think is in good taste, or sometimes I might have an opinion you disagree with. But if I’m not perfect, or exactly as you want me to be, you’re taking off. That’s not a fair standard to hold me to, and it’s not a standard I hold you to.

Edit: Because of a misunderstanding, I’m editing to add that comments are closed on this post to avoid splitting the discussion into two discussions (one on the previous post and one on this one), which gets confusing for everyone and means that I’m answering/clarifying things in two locations.