I went out to hang a load of laundry on the line. I am sort of relishing saying that. Like saying “I went out to pick black raspberries for breakfast.” It has elements of both idyll and righteousness: I am Mother, and I am serene and lovely as I go about my simple and lovely daily household tasks. Perhaps I am wearing a calico dress, and little wisps of hair are escaping prettily from my bun to curl near my healthy rosy cheeks. It was particularly satisfying this morning since what I was clipping to the line included HANDKERCHIEFS and REUSABLE PADS. Could I BE any greener? (You: “Perhaps if you were doing this on purpose, rather than only because your dryer broke.”)

ANYWAY, I pinned up a load of laundry, so that’s how long I was gone. Ten minutes? When I came back in, I found:

• door locked, both doorknob lock and deadbolt
• empty candy wrappers on dining room floor
• kitchen towel and soap dispenser in sink
• Henry’s underpants and pants in the trash
• Henry wearing only shirt and socks
• chocolate on Henry’s face and shirt
• cushions off couch
• diapers removed from package and strewn about room

That doesn’t look like much, I guess, now that I see it in a tidy little list. Perhaps it’s more the cumulative effect of having these things happen ALL DAY EVERY DAY.

The ONLY TIME Henry is not on a path of relentless, cheerful destruction

It has only just come to my attention that Paul, when he doesn’t know where an item goes, just leaves it in the dishwasher. Now, I know we’ve all been THOROUGHLY SCHOOLED in how we are never, ever, EVER to criticize our spouse’s Alternate and Equally Legitimate Way of Doing Things. But surely this only applies when the spouse’s way is not WRONG. There are many ways to legitimately unload a dishwasher, but I submit that ALL those ways result in an UNLOADED DISHWASHER. Plus, it has been a long time since there was anything to tease Paul about.

I did The Shred for the second time. The nice thing about being a late adopter is that I’ve already read everyone’s stories of ouchie knees and not being able to walk up stairs and so forth, so although I might not avoid these problems myself, I can at least alternate The Shred with other kinds of exercise to reduce the injuries. Anyway, I have several comments:

1. THANK YOU to everyone who mentioned I can TURN JILLIAN’S VOICE OFF. I think it is very funny that they included that as a feature on the DVD. Like they knew we’d want that. I turned it off already, because after only one viewing I was already FULL UP of her telling me that if I wanted a workout that was only 20 minutes I wasn’t going to get any breaks. Well, DO excuse me, Jillian, if I continue to be the one to make the decisions about that.

2. Also, it doesn’t really matter how many times she says it’s only 20 minutes, it’s closer to 30.

3. And speaking of reading everyone else’s reports, I’ve read “You can do anything for 20 minutes!” a zillion quintillion times, and I think it is safe to say “Nonsense” in a firm, Mary Poppins sort of voice. I failed both the “hand in ice water” test and the “clothespin on finger” test in childbirth preparation class, and neither of those were anywhere near as long as 20 minutes. (And speaking of which, I don’t see how either of those prepared us for the sensation of being repeatedly stabbed with a knife in the pelvic region for 27 hours. Though I guess I can see why they would find it difficult to simulate that.) As it turns out, I CAN do the level-one Shred workout, but that’s not because I can do anything for 20 minutes, it’s because it’s a whole bunch of much shorter things. If it were 20 minutes of just push-ups, I wouldn’t be able to do it, because (and here we come back to my main point) I can’t in fact do anything for 20 minutes. /vent And also, it’s more like 30. /vent again

4. I got a yoga mat on Freecycle, and I’m surprised how much comfier that makes the sit-ups and push-ups. The mat is so THIN, I wouldn’t think it would help at all. A large part of it is that it keeps me from having to put my hands and knees on the floor crumbs.

5. Even being aware of the knee problems, and even modifying exercises that seem knee-dangerous, I STILL feel it in my knees. Has anyone verified that Jillian knows what she’s doing?

I hope it doesn’t lower me in your esteem when I tell you that this is the first year in ten that we’ve harvested our abundant, free, blackberry black raspberry crop, from blackberry black raspberry bushes that grow maintenance-free in our yard. The children kept going out into the yard and coming back full of snack, so I finally ventured out and found that the crop above the 4-foot level was FORMIDABLE.

In my defense, and in the paraphrased words of Jillian Michaels, blackberries black raspberries DON’T COME FOR FREE.

I have thorn scratches and bug bites all over my arms and ankles, and I would not even describe myself as someone who particularly LIKES blackberries black raspberries—though the mosquitoes clearly think I’m ker-razy for feeling ambivalent, since they themselves have strong feelings on the issue and have spelled out those feelings in a dot-to-dot worksheet on my body.

I’ve given one batch to my parents, and I’m freezing my third batch as we speak. I remembered reading that the right way to freeze berries was to put them single-layer on a cookie sheet and freeze them, and THEN transfer them to a plastic baggie, so that’s what I’m doing and I’m hoping I’m right, but I also don’t really care because, as I mentioned, I don’t particularly like blackberries black raspberries. What I mostly like is feeling like a pioneer as I pick, gather, and, er, freeze in my multi-cubic-foot electric freezer. Just like Caroline Ingalls did, amirite?

And for all you modern-day Mrs. Ingallses, I recommend having a few shots of liquor before you venture out a-pickin’, because it makes all the stab-and-PULL assaults of thorns so much less bothersome.

By 7:00 this morning my ears were already TOTALLY FULL. The children are narrating their EVERY THOUGHT, and they talk over each other and then one of them tries to ask me a question about why it’s windier in daytime than in nighttime and another one asks me to get another cup of milk and a third one tries to tell me a joke, and I feel like I’m going to SCREEEEEEEEEEEAM. Combine that with the endless CRASHES and FIGHTS and TATTLING, and you have mommy putting vodka in her coffee. (You don’t actually have mommy putting vodka in her coffee. You just have mommy thinking about how terrible that would taste.)

This is the last chance to enter to win the $100 Visa giftcard over on the reviews blog by either praising the Fourth of July recipe I came up with or admiring the twins practicing for kindergarten. And really, I think you should praise my recipe, because when I got that assignment I didn’t have any idea what I was going to do. A RECIPE using POP-TARTS. And it had to be Fourth of July themed. I….that’s not really my….you know? And when I came up with my idea, I just about lost consciousness from the perfection of it (it uses exactly one box of Pop-Tarts!), and I worried that the other bloggers would all come up with the same idea because it was so perfect. But no one else did! And although some of them came up with pretty good ideas, I’m sure they were all jealous of mine. I’m imagining Pop-Tarts executives (“What do you do?” “I’m a Pop-Tarts executive”) sitting around a big table saying, “Did you SEE what she came up with? We had no idea this project would be such a success! We need to bring her onto the Pop-Tarts Executive Team RIGHT AWAY! Tell the Pop-Tarts pilot to warm up the Pop-Tarts jet!”

Can I ask for your input on something? Three of my kids lovvvvvvvve video games. What do you think is the right amount of time to let children play video games per day when there’s no school? I guess I’m looking for RANGES here, since probably none of us are, like, “90 minutes YES, 91 minutes NO WAY.” You don’t have to HAVE children to give an opinion on this.

It would be useful to know whether you yourself like video games—I think I would have said a much lower number of minutes before getting into playing Sims and being, like, “I AM GOING TO HAVE TO QUIT MY JOB TO PLAY THIS FULL-TIME,” which has given me more empathy for the “WHAT?? I JUST started playing!!” children.

I think it’s going to be tempting to downplay the amount of time we allow (or would theoretically allow), but I hope you’ll say so if the answer is “6 hours” or “however much they want” or anything more than you think is average. Maybe go anonymous if it makes you feel shy to say it—I know I’D feel shy to say how much I let my kids watch/play, especially before someone else said how much THEY allowed.

Yesterday I ran into the girl I used to refer to as “the girl who stole my boyfriend in high school,” but recently realized I should probably refer to as “the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with in high school,” not only because the first statement implies that men are faultless pawns in games played by women (like when people call Angelina Jolie a homewrecker, as if Brad Pitt didn’t wreck his own home), but also because the boyfriend in question saw her only briefly (evidently the relationship thrived under cheating conditions but not otherwise) and then was my boyfriend again, for reasons I can’t satisfactorily explain except to say that he was QUITE cute and QUITE charming aside from the cheating thing, and I DID dump him permanently after the second time he cheated with her (and again, their relationship fizzled out).

ANYWAY, I saw the girl my high school boyfriend cheated on me with, and she was wearing a Winnie-the-Pooh shirt. And it’s not that there is one single thing wrong with wearing a Winnie-the-Pooh shirt, but still, I had a flash of sympathy for her because that is not what I would want to be wearing on such an occasion, if I were her.

Speaking of high school, I would like to know what language you studied in school, and why did you choose it? I started with French because I thought French seemed ROMANTIC, and then after two years of that I switched to Latin because I thought it would help with my SATs. It turned out I liked Latin a lot better (it’s not a spoken language anymore, so no one can criticize your accent!), so I took three more semesters of it in college.

As you already know if you follow me on Twitter (and why WOULDN’T you, since that is where I give updates on how irritated I am by the high price of shipping a few rolls of address labels?) (NINE DOLLARS WTF!!!), I’m bored with my usual exercise routine and looking for a change. I don’t usually talk about exercise here because it doesn’t occur to me as a topic of interest (but SHIPPING costs! THAT’S entertainment!), but I wonder if that’s why whenever I write on the topic of fatness I get some “Fine, don’t exercise or eat right, BE fat” feedback—as if that’s the natural opposite of “Everyone can have the same results with the same effort.”

So. Fine. I will try to remember to talk about exercise more. (Also on the syllabus: how much broccoli and spinach I eat, and how little red meat.) Currently I exercise in the evening, right after the kids go to bed, because that’s when it’s been working best: the kids wake us up around 5:30, and I know I COULD get up earlier but so far haven’t been motivated to. In the evening I’m less likely to be interrupted, and some of my routines let me watch a movie while exercising which makes it not quite so “ack I’m cutting into my limited slice of free time.”

BUT. That’s not working for me now. I used to get a second wind in the evening, but now I feel worn out. I used to be willing to cut into that limited slice of free time, but now the idea makes me feel sullen. Also, I’m bored with both the Wii Fit and with running, so that makes me feel even MORE sullen: not only am I using up free time, I’m doing something I HATE.

Well, so clearly that means an adjustment is in order. I asked for suggestions on Twitter, and 30 Day Shred is now on its way to me (hey, I finally read Twilight, this is the next natural step), despite the fact that the mere FACIAL EXPRESSIONS of Jillian Michaels make me want to punch her in the teeth, and this is without ever hearing her voice, which reportedly is unpleasant and mean. I also have several other people’s suggestions on my Netflix queue, and I wish I’d thought of Netflix before I paid money for 30 Day Shred, but there it is and I can always donate it to the library if I don’t like it.

The other adjustment, and to me this is far more radical, is I’m going to try exercising in the morning, before and while Paul is showering. Aaaaaaaaacccccckkkkkkkk. But if it WORKS, it means it’ll cut into my sleep time instead of into my free time, and may make it easier for me to get to sleep at night in which case it would in fact be cutting into my lying-awake-wishing-I-could-sleep time, which would be awesome. ALSO, it would mean I could shower right after, which would mean a reduction in the part of exercising I hate most, which is the part where I have to change clothes! and take ANOTHER shower! and change clothes! which seems like no big deal but can add another big chunk of free time to the process. ALSO-also, it would mean getting it over with first-thing rather than dreading it and/or making it dependent on what kind of day I have.

BUT, it also means I can’t go running (because if a child needed something, which is likely, Paul would be in the shower and I’d be out of the house). And it means an increase in the possibility of a hugely annoying mid-exercise interruption (such as child waking up soaked). And it means I’ll have to argue with my half-asleep self, and she’s even more sullen than my evening self.

Another potential problem is this: Evening exercising significantly decreased EATING, because I didn’t want to exercise on a full stomach and afterward my appetite was suppressed. I’d do ZERO snacking all evening, and by the time I started feeling hungry it was too close to bedtime to eat anything. If I’m exercising in the morning, though, it opens the evening up for snacking, and it also may mean I’ll have a mid-morning eat-everything-in-sight time.

So we will SEE, is what I am saying.

I tried it for the first time this morning and it went okay. The novelty of the situation made it easier to get out of bed, and it was very pleasant to be able to take a chilly shower afterward and know it could be the ONLY shower of the day. My new workout DVDs haven’t arrived yet so I did one of my old Tae Bo DVDs. Gosh, I’d forgotten how much I hate the girl who acts like she’s about to fall to the ground and start twitching with bliss. Yes, we all know you find this workout so INCREDIBLY STIMULATING it makes you want to SHOUT WITH JOY, but the rest of us are sweating and counting minutes so could you please shut your Teacher’s Pet trap, kthanx. Hey, I just thought of a new awesome product: a workout DVD in which NONE of the participants make you want to smack them! Imagine such a world!

Last night I dreamed Jonniker was having a multi-day party at her house and she let me come, and I was nervous but I went anyway and then kept wondering, “WHY DO I NOT DO THINGS LIKE THIS MORE OFTEN??” because it was so fun. I was also wondering if we really should be drinking ALL day long like that, and why no one seemed surprised that Justin Timberlake was naked. I had to leave early because I had to give birth to four kittens at the hospital, but who DOESN’T have that dream amirite?

It is time to take action on my hair. I’ve been growing it, and that’s still fun so I want to keep doing that, but it is looking overgrown and overthick, and it’s getting painful to comb even when I use lots of detangler. I’m going to make an appointment with my favorite stylist (Krissy–*starry eyes*) because she ALWAYS knows what to do. When I was growing out my bangs, I went to her and I was like, “Nothing can be done about that, I’m sure,” and she was like “Mm hm” and then she gave me a cut that was like I’d already grown out the bangs. Doesn’t talk much, does Krissy, but KNOWS ALL. (I feel a little sorry for her about her name. She doesn’t seem like a Krissy. She seems like a Beth, or an Erin, or a Cara.)

Do you know what else, about my hair? I worry that it is Too Much with the five kids and the no/low make-up. I always wear it twisted up, and it’s just…er. Especially with the maxi skirts I bought recently. Maxi skirts are fashionable right now, but long skirt + long twisted-up hair + many more children than usual + no make-up—-it starts to look like something I’m not. Or even SEVERAL things I’m not.

I don’t know why this reminds me of it, but we had someone straight out of another habitat walking down our street the other day. Normally in our town, if I see a woman walking a dog, she’s wearing capris and a t-shirt and sunscreen, she has hair that doesn’t catch your attention, and her dog is a medium-sized mutt type or a golden retriever. THIS woman had long straightened streaked hair, a deep tan, make-up that was clearly visible from my car, short-short-short shorts, glittery sandals, a cardigan longer than the shorts, sunglasses, and a tiny white fluffy dog on a pink leather leash. I hadn’t realized we had so little of that kind of thing until I was so startled seeing it. It’s like I hadn’t realized how few old people lived in the town I used to live in, until I moved to the town I live in now.

Today needs a plan. It is only breakfast time, and yet the goal “Do not go slap out of mind” is setting the bar TOO HIGH.

I thought about going to Target, because Target is always a soothing balm unto my soul, but…five children.

I could take them to the park, but the twins are getting their 5-year pictures taken tomorrow, and Edward already has a scrape on his cheekbone and a bug bite on his forehead, and I feel like that is my limit for facial injuries.

I made myself a challenge, a boring and depressing challenge but a challenge nevertheless, to see how many loads of laundry I could get done—and right out of the gate discovered I’d left a load in the washer and would need to re-run it. “That’s going to cost her, Becky.” “You got that right, Jim. We’ll have to see if she can make up the time by shaving some minutes off the next wash cycle.”

I updated the frappe recipe below, to include calorie info and a non-coffee alternative.