I cannot adequately express how much I appreciated the extremely helpful and bolstering variety of responses on the Job post. And the suggestions that I stay on FOR SPITE were so funny, it considerably deflated the stress of the whole thing.
Which is not to say that I did not wake up at 4:00 a.m. and go immediately into mentally-reliving-and-reimagining mode. And I have continued doing it all day. I contacted my doctor and got a refill on a short-acting medication that can be helpful to take at such times. I put the bottle into my work bag. (I have also increased my willingness to consider a more daily medication, especially in this ongoing political climate. I would be even more open to the idea if such medications had worked better the last time I tried them.)
This morning I went for a walk with a sympathetic coworker, and we talked through some options. There is another coworker who is being actively hassled by this same supervisor; we’re in different departments and hardly ever overlap, but I think I should go have a chat with her. I will at some point have to talk to the director; I wish I were someone who could do difficult talks without crying, but we do what we can with what we have. (Also: I took my short-acting medication before my meeting with my supervisor, and I DID NOT CRY.) I also may make an appointment with HR and see what they have to say; they do exit interviews, and several employees have left because of this supervisor, and rumor has it that the lead HR person “can’t stand” this supervisor. (That does not seem to have saved those other employees, however, or resulted in any action against my supervisor.) I am acquaintances with a member of the board of trustees; perhaps I will ask her to have coffee with me.
NOW LET US TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, ANYTHING ELSE, BECAUSE I AM GOING MAD. I hate hate hate this stage of things, when my mind CANNOT leave something alone. I know it will pass; it always passes. But in the meantime it is like being infected by a brain virus.
Do you know, sometimes when I am afflicted with a brain virus and/or lying awake at night, I will think to myself “Let’s think about something HAPPY!!,” and sometimes I can’t think of anything? Literally can’t think of anything—or at least, nothing that doesn’t immediately lead to another stressful thought. (This is another reason I am considering a daily medication.)
Because of course there are happy things. There are so many happy things. Soon there will BULB FLOWERS! There was recently a BABY. There are BOOKS TO READ. There is another library just ten minutes away, if my own library ends up ruined for me because of this job. There are the mini road trips taking the college kids back and forth, with big boxes of road-trip snacks, and sometimes an overnight in a motel by myself! There are Easter care packages to assemble, and there are Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs (in my opinion, the best of the Reese’s format). There are cats. There is my friend’s dog, who accompanies us on our walks so I get some Dog Time as well as some Friend Time and some Mental and Physical Health. There is CHRISTMAS; I know it is March, but the years go by faster and faster. Paul and I have booked a vacation (more on this later), which isn’t happening until next year, and it is causing me some stress but mostly I like to think about it, and I like that I have plenty of time to think about it. Paul’s workplace’s annual outing-with-spouses is going to be a baseball game this year, and I have never been to a baseball game; and because it is organized by someone else, I can be (more) interested and happy, rather than (as) stressed about figuring it all out.
I want to choose us a topic other than my work situation, but it feels cheesy and forced to suggest we list things to be happy about. What if the topic is SAY LITERALLY ANYTHING. It CAN be something to be happy about, but let’s not have any pressure about that. There is something just as satisfying about a good complaint. Do you want to complain about something happening at work? I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR IT. Are you SO SICK OF SNOW? TELL ME. Have you read a good book? LET US IN ON IT. Are you looking forward to something? WE WANT TO KNOW. Is there a food you are currently a little obsessed with? IT’S ALL GOOD INFO. (Have you tried the spicy dill pickle Goldfish Crisps? I bought them as a sort of joke, and we did not stop eating them until they were all gone.)
(image from pepperidgefarm.com)
My toddler is in the Big Emotions stage. Help! (On Sunday, the minister literally preached a sermon on big feelings, and then my toddler plopped himself right down in the middle of the main hallway of the church and proceeded to give a demonstration of big feelings. You gotta laugh, right??)
Happy thoughts – I am excited for the return of spring, and already looking forward to summer! Especially since I’ve found a summer preschool, so this summer should have more balance than the past few!
I love both of these things so much. You go with your big feelings, toddler. Show them what it is. We’ve all been there.
I’m enjoying Middle Grade March–I had decided to “challenge” myself to read only middle grade books in the month of March, because there’s so many good ones and I never get around to reading most of them. Then I found out that I did not coin the term Middle Grade March and there is a list of prompts (possibly a bingo card) that people are fulfilling. I’m not bothering with that side of it, but I am enjoying the weekly livestreams about it.
I am really enjoying seasonal kids’ short story collections, specifically Beti and the Little Round House and our much-loved Little Witch Hazel.
For middle grade, I have loved Happily for Now by Kelly Jones, Roll With it by Jamie Sumner, and Insignificant Events in the Life of a Cactus by Dusti Bowling. There are so many more…MG is underrated beyond belief.
I keep noping out of the adult books I’m trying to read…
This is lovely. The children’s librarians at my library read every single new book that comes into the children’s section, and they seem like they have the right idea, reading-wise. Adult books are all, “KATE had the PERFECT life: the PERFECT husband, the PERFECT career, the PERFECT house, the PERFECT children…UNTIL TRAGEDY STRIKES!!” Who needs it. I read The Story of Holly and Ivy by Rumer Godden, a picture book, and IMPROVED MY LIFE.
My inclination is to be irritated that it was already a thing, because I have never heard of it (EVEN THOUGH I WORK IN A LIBRARY) so I would prefer to think you invented it. I will attempt to reframe and see it as you INSTINCTIVELY TAPPED INTO THE ZEITGEIST BECAUSE YOU HAVE YOUR FINGER ON THE PULSE OF HUMANITY
Ohhhh! I’d love to hear your favorites!
Oh the brain virus / hamster wheel / can’t stop picking apart the terrible thing…I know it so well. As my anxiety has lessened over my adulthood, the brain hamster-wheeling has also lessened, so the daily med option sounds like maybe a good one, esp if you’re already considering it.
Do you want to complain about something happening at work? I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR IT. ~ Today the heat did not work at the school where I teach, and it was 30 degrees outside, yet we were still at school. The thing that took out the heat ALSO took out all the food waiting to be prepared in the cafeteria due to a massive leak (flood), so all they had to give the 900 students were Uncrustable sandwiches. Yet we were still at school! And will be there tomorrow, with no heat and only Uncrustables!
Have you read a good book? LET US IN ON IT. ~ I just finished two excellent books and would recommend them both. Wild Dark Shore by Charlotte McConaghy is achingly sad and worrying but also very beautifully written, and I loved it. The Sirens by Emilia Hart is multi layered and has some sad elements for sure, but also has a good ending, and my brain really enjoyed trying to untwist all the plot points before I even got to them and then being REALLY SATISFIED when I was right.
Are you looking forward to something? WE WANT TO KNOW. ~ One of my best friends lives in Chicago, and she has invited me and one of our other mutual best friends to join her for members night at the Field Museum. We are taking a day off work and driving there together to see the behind-the-scenes dinosaur bone storage and other very nerdy things and I cannot wait.
NO HEAT AND ONLY UNCRUSTABLES is this year’s contender for hot new horror/comedy film.
Ohhhhhh the friend-group behind-the-scenes museum event!! This is so happy!!
I thought my mom wasn’t coming to our annual family beach vacation this summer and I was very sad about it because she lives on the other side of the country and I don’t see her often, but she changed her mind and she is coming after all.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Oh, here’s another one. My 20-something son who’s been only intermittently employed for the last three years has a lead on a job, temporary but lasting several months, whereas most of his gigs tend to last days or weeks.
This is wonderful. You and I are on similar pages here, child-wise, so I viscerally identify with this happy turn of events.
My particular brain virus (also work related, but also everything related) went into overdrive about a month ago and I took some time away from my jobby job to figure out if I need more meds or new meds or some combination of the two. I am extremely fortunate to have protected medical leave so I can deal with medication related side effects, because lo, there have been side effects. When you have anxiety, being witnessed showing signs of a) said anxiety, b) extra anxiety due to med changes and/or c) crying/puking/twitching due to med changes leads to, surprise, MOAR ANXIETY. The good news is that some of the meds have kicked in and I no longer want to go play in traffic to make the brain virus stop eating my brain, so: PROGRESS!
I am absolutely obsessed with the spicy dill pickle goldfish crackers! I love pickles and pickle flavors in general, so it wasn’t a surprise, but so yummy!
We’re leaving Friday for a spring break trip to Mexico City! I’m looking forward to all the museums, food, culture, and spring weather but I am MOST looking forward to reuniting with my college freshman daughter who goes to school 2,000 miles away and I haven’t seen since January!
I am working on the college Easter care package as well. Any fun ideas? So far I have various candy, a chocolate bunny, and giant bubbles. I know the bubbles might sound silly for a college student, but it’s a very quirky school and she and her friends spend a lot of time on the lawn when the weather is nice so I think they’ll be a hit. Speaking of care packages, I have been meaning to mention – I learned about the Pirateship shipping website from a comment here and hoo boy – it has been LIFE CHANGING! Things that used to cost $20 to ship are now only $11 and it’s so easy to print off the label here at home and then just drop it off with no waiting. LOVE. IT.
I find this notion of a short acting medication to interrupt brain loops and stop confrontation crying very intriguing, I did not know that was an option. Is it like an anti-anxiety thing? Because wow could I use that at 3 am! I’m sure it would be better than stress-eating Easter candy, which is what I did today. Now I need to go buy more jelly beans.
Good news: Spring is coming! I have daffodil shoots peeking out of the ground.
My two favorite recent reads: Cinder House by Freya Marske and The Librarians by Sherry Thomas. Two very different stories in which the endings are happy, friendships are made and the bad guys get what is coming to them in a very satisfying way.
Looking forward to: The aforementioned arrival of spring. And also the start of what will be my last season with a middle school soccer player. I get to walk around the park and get exercise and fresh air twice a week while he’s at practice, and I like that very much.
Food: My mom gave me a Costco membership because I shop for her and she wants me to get her Costco things. I made my first trip today and it was a little overwhelming (there is so much of everything and it is all so big), but I got these peaches & cream croissants from the bakery that are amazing.
Here’s to happy things!
I currently have a brain virus. It’s called Heated Rivalry, and I am baffled that I hear nothing of it from you folks in the US and Canada! Why is no one else as obsessed with it as me? I know people think it’s just “the gay ice hockey show”, but to me it was the most beautifully done love story I have seen, possibly ever.
My incessant consumption of Heated Rivalry TikToks is possibly not helping me recover from this virus.
I will never pass up an opportunity to rant about an annoying work thing!
I have a coworker who frequently accuses me of doing my job incorrectly, or of dropping the ball on tasks assigned to me. Except the vast majority of the time, I *have in fact* correctly done the tasks in question. And nine times out of ten, she can easily find out that that’s the case, but she just goes straight into Accusation Mode instead of taking two seconds to check whether or not I actually messed up.
Example: the other day, she came to my desk in a panic because I hadn’t sent some important documents to a client. Except…I *had* sent the documents, and told her so. She said, “Well, next time you need to CC me on the email.” I was pretty sure I had CC’d her, so I said, “I thought I did CC you. Did you not receive it?” To which she replied, “I don’t know, I haven’t checked my email today.” Okay well maybe check your email before you assume I didn’t do my job!
On one hand, she’s not my boss, so whatever. (And actually one time I overheard her complaining about me to my boss, and my boss was like, “No, Ruby didn’t mess up on that, and also please don’t assign her work without talking to me first.” So that was satisfying.) But on the other hand, UGGGHHHHHH.
I’m sorry your job is stressful right now – this whole situation sounds so frustrating. I’m glad to hear that you’re getting some support from coworkers, and that you’re not alone in your frustration. (Well, I mean, I’m not glad that multiple people have issues with this person, but you know what I mean.) I agree that there’s no need to make any big decisions yet – but whatever you ultimately decide to do, I hope it works out for the best. I hope you end up happily employed somewhere, whether it’s at the library or somewhere new.
Being in the southern hemisphere I don’t have spring to anticipate yet, but…. I’m getting a puppy! She’s ready in just over a week, and please search Japanese Spitz puppies to see how incredibly cute they are. I’m hugely excited and also a little bit worried about all the chewable stuff (cables!) around my house.