The other day we learned that Edward, age 15, thinks that tongs are called “egg holders.”

One of my friends goes with her husband and kids to Disney every year, and it is one of those things that is a big part of Their Family Identity: they are A Disney Family. Annual matching family t-shirts, mouse-eared family stickers on the car, using a Disney family photo for their Christmas card, etc. I tell you this so that you will understand why the necessary cancellation of this trip is especially disappointing for them: it’s the blow felt by everyone who has had to cancel a vacation/event due to the pandemic, plus the additional blow of losing something that is an important ritual for them, plus the additional blow of breaking their streak.

To somewhat ease this disappointment, they are doing something that seems fun to me, though I could see how for other people it might hit as extra sad. But to me it seems fun, and this is what it is: they are doing an at-home version of SOME of the things they would be doing on their Disney trip, using a schedule of what they WOULD have been doing each day. It’s not at all meant to replace or compensate for the lost vacation; it’s more like…finding a few little happy things in spite of the disaster. So for example, on the day they were supposed to have left for this vacation, my friend posted that normally they would be packing the car and heading out at 7:00 a.m. with one last stop at [particular favorite local coffee shop] to pick up breakfast on their way out of town, and so she got curbside pick-up at that coffee shop and brought it home, and that’s what they had for breakfast. She said they always stop for lunch at [particular chain restaurant] on their travel day, so she went online and found a dupe recipe for what they always order, and she made it at home and they had it for lunch. Meanwhile they are playing all their Disney CDs as they usually would in the car on the way there, and they have their usual car activities (magazines, travel snacks, puzzle books, Disney trivia cards) on the dining room table, and they are watching all their Disney movies, and they have all the photo albums out of previous trips. I don’t know, I can see how it could feel a little bleak, but it comes across more like salvaging what they can + remembering other fun trips + the diverting and creativity-stimulating project of thinking about what they can do/make/eat that would be reminiscent of those trips.

We had our first awkward situation of needing to RSVP a no for an in-person birthday party. I’d been kind of dreading it. “Dreading” is overstating it, but I can’t think of a milder word. Perhaps I could have said “anticipating it warily.” Anyway it happened: Henry was invited to a birthday party at the kind of place that hosts children’s birthday parties, followed by an indoors restaurant meal. Happily the mom who contacted me did so by email so I had time to work out how to respond, and also happily she included a list of precautions they would be taking (masks, hand sanitizer, only three children and one adult at the party) but also said she completely understood if we didn’t feel comfortable, so I didn’t feel like she was someone who though the pandemic was a ridiculous hoax and/or someone who would scoff at me for declining. I was actually more worried that by declining I would accidentally send the vibe that we disapproved of their plans/invitation. Sometimes my social anxieties are unfounded, but from the careful wording of her invitation I DO think there was a chance she was worried about that. So I responded with happiness to have received the invitation, a sorrowful inability to accept (with a brief, non-identifying mention of an immunosuppressed person in our household), and a cheerful instruction to wish the child a happy birthday from Henry and me.

Social interaction can be so tricky. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could beam over a little mental packet of what we INTEND to communicate?

I am still pretty low. The upcoming presidential election is well on its way to being fully compromised. And apparently we are going to have a do-over of the whole “a non-white political candidate must not have been born here” thing. The United States Postal Service, which I love, is in serious jeopardy. And Congress…went on a break? I guess? See you later, folks! Don’t worry about us!

Meanwhile, our school system is still planning partial in-person school, and they do have a remote option but the remote option is that they MIGHT have some teachers teaching only remotely but they don’t know which teachers will be doing that or which classes will be available, so if we want to we can make our own separate plans, homeschooling or classes through a different online high school, and can we please let them know right now which way we are going to do it. WE CANNOT MAKE THOSE CHOICES WITHOUT MORE INFORMATION. Whenever I feel like going into a full freak-out about this, I remember most of us are in the same boat: there just ISN’T the information we need. Wringing my hands doesn’t result in the creation of more information.

Also I have gone back on keto, which I was reluctant to tell you about because of how I would have felt when I was off keto if someone had said they were going back on it. (PRETTY BAD.) It was a combination of two things, and I hope those two things will relieve your mind: i.e., that you will be able to think “Ah! Yes, perhaps if I had those two things, I too would go back on a diet during a pandemic, but I do NOT have those two things, and if Swistle had not had those two things, she would not be on a diet either, so we are still on the same page.”

The first thing was the much smaller thing, so I will mention it first, and it’s that I hit a weight-gain level that felt less worth it. Up until that point, I’d felt shruggy: I could not feel it was important enough to worry about during a pandemic. Also, I have a pretty wide range of weights I feel comfortable at, and I was still comfortable. But I FELT myself go past that mark, and I was no longer comfortable. Still, if it hadn’t been for the second thing, I would still have been shruggy about it: yes, I’d prefer to be a different weight / more comfortable, but it is not important enough to justify the actions that would need to be taken to achieve that right now.

It was the second thing that really mattered, and it was this: I stopped feeling the thrill of the unrestricted food options. For MONTHS, I would wake up feeling bad in one way or another (discouraged! angry! anxious!), and then I would remember I could have a bagel or cereal with breakfast, and/or sugar in my coffee, and I would perk right up and go humming into the shower. Mid-day I would remember I had to make dinner, and then I would remember it could be something delicious and I could eat it too, and I would perk right up and start looking through my recipe file to see what I might like to eat. After a delicious lunch (with potato chips! and/or coleslaw! and/or potato salad!) I would have a cupcake and I would RELISH it and feel so lucky and happy. And all of those things stopped happening. I still ENJOYED the food, but if the thrill level had been at a 10 for all those months, now it was at about a 2. The situation went from WELL WORTH IT to NOT well worth it.

Also, many of the practical/logistical considerations had cleared up: eggs, meat, and cheese are no longer restricted or hard to acquire. I’ve gotten accustomed to shopping less frequently, and I’ve become less stressed about it. I don’t feel anymore that cruising-for-disordered-eating feeling of needing to dramatically reduce how much I eat of the precious supplies. And Paul went on a diet, which first of all thanks I hate it, and secondly means I felt pretty resentful to have gone off my restricted foods list in order to make grocery shopping simpler and less stressful, and then have him make it more difficult and stressful again.

I thought about it for awhile, wondering if it was something I actually wanted to go back to, and then I got to that magical and hard-to-manufacture point of Feeling I Was Ready To Do It, and then I did it. It has been a rough week. When I was doing keto before, I could even take off, say, five days for a vacation, and then go right back to it with maybe just a slight Low feeling the first day. But after more like four and a half months, it was like starting all over, with the queasiness and exhaustion and everything, and feeling like there’s nothing I want to eat. Well, I remember it from last time, and I remember it stopped being like that and then it just felt normal, so I am leaning on that memory.

And it might not TAKE. I might do this for a couple of weeks and then think NOPE: too hard to shop, too hard to cook food I can’t eat, too hard to cope with the news without kettle corn, too hard to handle five kids doing school at home if I can’t start the morning with a bagel and end lunch with a cupcake. Or maybe I will be on it until the next time I feel the desperate need for the support of delicious unrestricted foods—in, say, November. We will just see.

Sorry again for talking about dieting during a pandemic. I know it can be discouraging to hear about. Even when I AM dieting during a pandemic, I find it discouraging to hear about other people doing it. But also, I don’t feel right when it seems like I’m keeping something secret from you, and I can tell that’s happening when I go day after day after day without writing anything: it’s like I have to tell you the thing first. So I thought, let’s get it over with, and then we can go back to normal.

Let’s talk about something else. Tell me something that’s on your birthday/holiday wish list.

I am weepy because I got an email from Target saying items I ordered YESTERDAY will arrive THIS MORNING already, and one of the items was something someone should have put on the list before my last grocery store trip but didn’t, and I went to the store recently and am not going back for awhile, so I was feeling some despair about how can I keep the house stocked during a pandemic IF PEOPLE CAN’T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO PUT THINGS ON THE LIST, and now I am feeling so GRATEFUL to online stores, and to warehouse workers, and to delivery workers, and *WEEP*. So clearly the emotional fragility continues.

Shopping is one of my coping methods, and another recent example of this is that I impulsively ordered a whole lot of notebooks and folders, even though I don’t know if the kids will even need them or use them. Mostly it seems like school supplies are for carrying information back and forth between home and classroom, but also they’re for keeping things organized, and if I were doing classes online I would still want to have a separate notebook for each class, and ideally a folder to match that notebook, and so forth, and buying school supplies is so fun and I’m sad at the thought of missing it, and also I was worried about things selling out and this is not really the year for going from store to store, and so I placed the order.

The three younger kids were all in bed (these days they go to bed about when I do, but I was up late because I couldn’t sleep) so I couldn’t ask them what colors they wanted as I usually would, so I just got two each of every color and we’ll let them cage-match it out: there’s a certain fun in choosing your own stuff, but there’s another kind of fun in figuring out how to divide pre-chosen stuff. Normally I would buy Mead notebooks and folders in hopes of higher durability, but this year I got the store brand of both. These supplies don’t have to survive being shoved into a backpack/locker every day, and I don’t even know if we’ll USE them, so I went cheap: paper-cover notebooks, vinyl cover notebooks; and folders (on clearance!) with and without binder holes (we still have some serviceable binders from last year).

We don’t really need anything else, I don’t think. Normally I want/need to buy more pencils and pens, but we have tons. Normally I would buy new erasers and new pencil cases and new highlighters and basically new anything that seemed fun or was on the teachers’ lists, but this year I don’t have that impulse.

One of the interesting things about my boring blog-fixing project is seeing how very predictable I am with my mood slumps. I work on a month’s worth of posts in a day, generally, and it seems like in every batch there is just ALWAYS at least one post about how low I feel and what I’m doing about it with food and exercise and moping and shopping.

I am in another low time now, and I am coping by re-reading Maeve Binchy books, buying too many kinds of tea, eating extra vegetables and extra treats, buying extra non-perishables, and openly weeping while listening to Michelle Obama’s podcast on walks.

Our school district has taken a step in the direction of rejecting the hybrid option (which, as commenter Liz aptly put it, was actually “a 40-page document explaining why they just can not open at all”). They haven’t come to the final decision yet, but my feeling is that one way or another we are going to be going remote: either from the beginning, or after we try the hybrid option and a lot of people get sick and we have to shut it down.

But apparently first we are going to do the intermediate step of making sure teachers and other school employees know how little we care about them and their families, and to what extent we consider them daycare workers rather than educators, and how entitled we feel to that daycare, and how entitled we feel to normality even when normality is not currently an option. Some parents are threatening to sue the school district, the principals, the school board, the teachers themselves. One parent said that in her opinion teachers and other school employees should feel grateful to still have their jobs when so many people are out of work, and another parent responded that they didn’t see why teachers and school employees should get to stay home when other people have to work, and that was when I gave up on having a happy life.

Considering ALL the options are terrible and there is NO good option where things are normal and there’s no pandemic and everyone keeps their jobs, then surely choosing the option where we turn this whole thing against teachers/schools is our worst and most short-sighted idea yet; and it won’t even WORK. We will lose some of the teachers and other school employees at the very start, as they quit in the face of parents/administrators insisting they go back when it’s not safe; this alone may be enough to leave the school too understaffed to open. But if, after the first wave of quitting, we still have enough staff to open, we will lose more teachers/employees shortly afterward, as they get sick and/or die, or else quit from the stress; at that point, the school will certainly be too understaffed to remain open, and possibly now too understaffed to do effective remote learning. We will have pushed pushed pushed to get schools to open, and it will result in schools being closed anyway soon afterward—but only after losing people we didn’t have to lose, and traumatizing/demoralizing the rest, and leaving the whole school system worse off than it was before.

I had a low day yesterday, and then had trouble getting to sleep even though I took benadryl, and then at 2:00 in the morning my phone rang and that is just never going to be good news. And I could see on the screen that the caller was my eldest son, which was weird; this happened once before, though, when he’d gone outside to get something out of the car and locked himself out. But when I answered, he didn’t say anything, which gave me visions of him badly hurt (calling me RIGHT BEFORE LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS!!) and/or kidnapped somehow. But no: butt-dial. Time it took for me to get back to sleep after this drama: roughly 1 hour 45 minutes.

I have what I find to be a pleasing though boring update on my fretty dentist situation. That post is just a giant tangled ball of stress, so I suggest NOT clicking the link, and instead I will summarize the relevant part by saying I’d canceled Edward and Henry’s routine dentist appointments, then regretted it because Henry has braces and it really seemed as if he ought to have a cleaning, especially since the DAY I canceled the appointment we got a pre-appointment letter from the dentist that made it sound really really safe. And anyway it made me feel as if every decision I make is wrong, and I’d continued to fret about it, but felt too sheepish to call the dentist and ask for a new appointment for Henry. Then I saw Elizabeth’s routine cleaning coming up on the calendar, and I called the dentist office and asked if it would be possible to give Henry that appointment instead of Elizabeth (I’d been planning to just cancel it), and they said yes, so now the kid with braces will get his cleaning, and I feel better.

A friend brought to my attention that kids 18 and older have to sign HIPAA authorizations and possibly medical power of attorney forms, or else their parents can’t have access to their information or make medical decisions for them if they’re incapacitated. That seems…rather crucial, in a pandemic or even not in a pandemic, and had not occurred to me at all. My hope is that at some point someone ELSE, like the kids’ colleges, realized that this was something that needed to be done, and that Rob and William have already signed such forms. Looking at the HIPAA form, I vaguely remember them being given one like it (with some ceremony about it, like, “Now he’s 18 he gets his own HIPAA, Mom!”)—but I don’t FULLY remember if that happened (1) at the pediatrician (as opposed to at an eye appointment or something), and (2) if they filled out our names on it, and (3) if it happened for both Rob and William. So there’s my new/current fret.

WOW SCHOOL PLANNING IS A GIANT MESS RIGHT NOW! UNDERSTANDABLY!

Our school district recently released a 40+ page document about their plans for partial in-person schooling. They did a really good job, under the circumstances, and you can see a LOT of people did a LOT of work to come up with these plans; but it is clear to me, after reading the whole thing, that this can’t work. I could be wrong! Maybe it will work beautifully! But. The first part that made me yell out “What are we DOING???” was the part where it said that if a teacher becomes ill mid-day, they will open the door to the adjoining classroom, notify that classroom’s teacher that they are ill, ask that teacher to take care of both classrooms, and leave with all their possessions by the nearest exit. BY THE NEAREST EXIT. WITH ALL THEIR POSSESSIONS. AFTER JOINING THE AIR OF TWO CLASSROOMS. AND ASKING ANOTHER TEACHER TO TAKE CHARGE OF THE STUDENTS WHO HAVE BEEN SHARING AIR WITH THE TEACHER WHO IS NOW ILL.

(This is all assuming there is enough staff to even start the first day, let alone take over each other’s classrooms. The entire document is full of “*assuming adequate staff,” and that’s understandable, and I’m glad they seem to be aware that that could very well be a considerable issue. Already our district was very short of substitute teachers, and now they are even more short of substitute teachers and also short of bus drivers. It appears there are not many people who want poorly-paid part-time hours with no benefits and lots of people-exposure during a pandemic. And as we approach the scheduled start of school, I suspect more and more school employees will opt out. UNDERSTANDABLY.)

There is a LOT about how the school will be cleaning the living hell out of all surfaces, all day and all night, which I guess is supposed to be reassuring, but is less so with a virus believed to spread predominantly through shared air, and we are going to put the children and teachers in closed rooms with shared air, and they will have lunch in their classrooms and will have to take off their masks for that. TELL ME LESS ABOUT HOW YOU PLAN TO CLEAN THE SURFACES AND MORE ABOUT HOW YOU PLAN TO CLEAN THE AIR.

Then I got to the part where we learn that if someone in the school system is exposed to someone with a positive Covid-19 test, they and all their family members and “everyone they have close contact with” must leave the school system for 14 days, and/or until they’ve had a negative Covid-19 test. Well! So. Let’s say a teacher’s spouse has a positive Covid-19 test, so the teacher will be out for 14 days. Also the teacher’s two children will be out for 14 days. And then, what does “close contact” mean in an in-person school environment? The students in the teacher’s classroom? (That might NEED to happen, if there are no subs.) The students/teacher in the teacher’s children’s classrooms? The bus driver and other students on the teacher’s children’s bus? How many people are out for 14 days for each exposure?

The gist, which was in the 40s of pages when most people might have stopped reading, seems to be that one single positive Covid-19 test in the school system will likely mean closing down the entire school district. Maybe not! But probably. So what we are doing is spending a lot of time and effort to create a system that is expected to collapse, in order to make everyone feel that at least we tried.

Paul has been taking Fridays off of work, as he usually does in the summer in an attempt to spend down his vacation days. Usually this is really nice: it gives us a day each week for family activities or couple activities or dad-and-kids activities such as going to the movies, or going to a museum or attraction, or going to the pool, or going out for breakfast or lunch, or doing something we don’t want to do but need to do such as mattress shopping, or…well, you see the issue, now that there is a pandemic and we’re not doing any of these things. Now that it’s just “he’s at home all day,” and he’s ALWAYS at home all day, there is considerably less thrill to it. It means that I have more trouble getting my Friday stuff done, because he keeps being AROUND. Then, on Mondays, he’s been saying the three-day weekend makes it harder to get back into work. He came to talk to me THREE SEPARATE TIMES this morning before I’d even had BREAKFAST. GO TO WORK.

Without lingering on it, I want to say that I am now up 30 pounds from pre-pandemic times. This gives me important information, which is this: if I diet strictly at least 6 days a week, eating in what is a weird and challenging way (keto) but is the only diet that has been sustainable long-term for me, I can keep my weight SO LOW that my doctor says I would ONLY need to lose another 20 pounds to be in the “””healthy””” range on the chart. If I stop that strict and weird way of eating, and go back to eating a normal array of foods, the weight comes right back to me. It’s good to know. I had wondered.

The pandemic has made me focus more on making sure we’re getting exercise and good nutrition, despite all the restrictions on us right now: the kids used to get exercise walking to/from school and walking to meet friends, and I used to get exercise at my job, but now we have to do exercise on purpose. Which I’m finding harder to do, somehow, as the number on the scale goes up. Diet/thinness culture sets up such a false binary: either we are Thin, which is understood to mean we must be exercising and eating “healthy”; or else we are Fat, which is understood to mean that we don’t exercise and that we buy two super-sized value meals at the fast-food drive-through and eat them secretly before going home and making and eating dinner with the family, after which we eat a half-gallon of ice cream and an entire bag of chips.

It is hard to shake off the feeling that if we’re not going to get to be thin we might as well not do any of the exercising and nutrition we have been taught to associate with thinness—even though we know, we KNOW, it is OBSERVABLY TRUE, that there are ALSO a lot of dubious/unhealthy things that can lead to thinness (smoking, diet pills, eating disorders, exercise bulimia, eating insufficient calories, diseases and illnesses, fad diets that may or may not be good for us, foods that have been made low-calorie in non-healthy/non-nutritious ways); and that some people are thin without doing the strict exercise/food we associate with thinness; and that some fat people are doing the exercise/food we associate with thinness and are nevertheless fat, because that is the delightful variation of the human body; and that the things we have been taught to associate with thinness (exercise, good nutrition) are well worth doing for ourselves, unlinked to what our bodies look like.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GET THIS TO SINK IN? I feel like I have to fight it so persistently, the idea that if I’m going to be 30 pounds heavier I might as well not take a walk or do the strength-training video or whatever. As if THINNESS is the only possible reward for exercise and nutrition, rather than improved health and mood and physical ability—and it’s hard to do the work without the reward. THINNESS IS NOT THE REWARD.