• Card received: +5
• Card received before December 1st: -1
• Card received after December 25th: -1
• Card is pretty, and looks nice on wall: +3
• Card is glittery: +1
• Card does not contain card, but only letter, so there is nothing to put up on wall: -3
• Card is e-card: -5

• Card includes photo or is photo card: +5
• More than one photo: +2 each additional photo
• Photo is non-Christmassy so will look good on fridge all year: +1
• Photo is Christmassy so increases holiday feeling of card: +1
• Red-eye causes family to appear possessed by evil Christmas spirit: -1
• Photo was taken on beach this past summer in summer clothing, so family looks chilly against winter pattern of card: -1
• Photo includes dogs with glowing eyes who seem poised to eat humans: -1

• Card includes letter: +5
• Letter is informative and interesting: +3
• Letter describes child as “amazing” or “already an avid reader at age 3!”: -3 each
• Letter is so braggy and saccharine-cheery, I wonder why I associate with these people: -3
• Letter is so very braggy and saccharine-cheery, it crosses over into comical and becomes fun to read aloud in an unkind tone of voice: +2
• Letter is a sermon disguised as a Christmas letter, and contains pious hopes for our country, for mankind, and for me personally: -5
• Letter mentions details of gross surgery: -1 or +1, depending on entertainment value
• Letter contains thinly-veiled family gossip: +3
• Letter contains information that should have been told earlier: -2

• Card includes check: +5
• Large check: +10
• Card includes announcement of pregnancy: +10
• Card from Christmas Card Friends contains surprising news of baby born since last card sent: +10

I was going through a box in the basement, looking for my childhood address book. I found it in a box that also contained this:

That is a MATH MEDAL, baby. So if anyone wants to talk about whether pregnancy is 9 months or 10 months, or how to figure out how many months pregnant you are when you’re 28 weeks along, or what the difference is between a child who is “4 months old” and a child “in his 4th month,” you just come talk to me. Me + math = medal.

Also in that box I found my baby name list from 1995.

Girl names:

• Fenchurch (it’s from the fourth book in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy trilogy)
• Sophie
• Molly
• Quinn
• Madeleine
• Philippa
• Ivy
• Jill
• Grey
• Noel
• Maizie
• Leaf

Boy names:

• Jack
• Joe
• Sam
• Luke
• Milo/Miles
• Leo
• Ross

I also found this:

Poems. From when I was in high school. I think we’d better just back away slowly, don’t you?

Don’t keep asking me what the baby needs. You’re his father, you can go through the checklist as easily as I can. Food? Diaper? Sleep? Attention? New chew toy? Figure it out, genius.

Ask me what the baby needs when you don’t know. I’m with him around the clock, and there’s no shame in asking the expert. You’re acting as if you think listening to a woman would sap your manhood. Ask for some help, genius.

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Buy me something special and romantic from time to time. Come home with flowers. Tell me you couldn’t resist buying me those earrings. Bring me a bakery cake just as a treat out of the blue.

Oh my god, we are hemorrhaging money! You can’t just go spending willy-nilly on non-essentials or we won’t make the mortgage! I know you think this is romantic, but it won’t feel romantic when I’m balancing the checkbook later!

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Don’t tell me every time you change a diaper. What are you expecting, fireworks? I don’t tell you every time I change a diaper.

Tell me when you change a diaper. How can we work as a team when we’re not both up to date on what’s been done and what hasn’t? I feel like an idiot when I go to do a routine diaper change and find a totally dry, fresh diaper.

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Listen, I am not the only one with the magical powers required to pick up a gallon of milk. Could YOU be the one to go out for toilet paper occasionally?

I can’t believe you’re leaving me home with the children again. Don’t I get enough of this during the week?

Oh, dear, yesterday’s post was confusing, wasn’t it? First I say these are gifts I give to pineholes, and then I make a list of gifts you want. What are you to think?

Well, they ARE good gifts! I give these things to people I like, too. But in the case of pineholes, the gifts are good only to reflect well on me. I don’t care if he likes them or not, and THAT’S what makes them “gifts for pineholes.” Does he like to do puzzles? Does he need/want a fluffy throw? Who knows, who cares? It’s a Good Gift, and I am giving it to him to fill in the Gift Slot, but with the care/love ABSENT.

I’ve been renewing my efforts to turn off lights that don’t need to be on. (Oh, hi! Subject change!) It does not come naturally. I was feeling all proud of myself as I turned off three lights on my way to the kitchen for another cookie. Then I saw the fridge was partly open. Way to save the environment through care and attention, dimwit.

This morning I caught Edward putting the letter K from our alphabet puzzle into the return-air vent. I rescued it and asked him if he’d put anything else down there. He said “Yeh.” I said, “What?” and he said “J.” I wasn’t sure he knew what he was talking about, but I thought it was worth getting the screwdriver out and seeing what was what. Behind the vent I found SEVENTEEN letters from the alphabet puzzle, a plastic lid, and a lens from our google-eye glasses.

The hired plow that plowed the driveway of our across-the-street neighbors plowed the snow into OUR front yard. That’s…not right, right? I don’t even actually deep-down mind it (it makes a good natural fence between the front yard and the road, and also it’s just SNOW), but I mind IN PRINCIPLE. Paul saw the guy plowing snow into our yard, so he went outside and did a few minutes’ shoveling in our driveway, just to communicate, “Hey, we’re here and we see you.” While Paul was out there, the guy didn’t put any snow in our yard. Then Paul went inside and the guy immediately plowed a big load of snow into our yard (leaving big humps of snow in the road, too) and drove off. NICE.

I am wondering: What is on the top of your tree? Is it the same as what was on the top of your family’s tree when you were a child? If you are partnered, is it the same as what was on the top of your partner’s family’s tree when your partner was a child? (You know what the English language needs? A gender-neutral singular pronoun appropriate to use for people. “It” is insufficient for our needs.)

When I was a child, my family topped the tree with a big huge fabric bow. When I was living on my own, I tried the big bow for a few years but it didn’t suit. Then we bought a little fairy at a craft fair and tried her for a few years, but she was too small for the job. This year I am trying this:

Why, yes it IS a giant green glittery butterfly, more seasonally-appropriate for SUMMER. I’m OPEN-MINDED about tree-toppers, okay? Also, Christmas trees sure look sad and clashy and wirey if you (1) use the flash (2) in daytime.

I don’t even know what Paul’s family used as a tree-topper. Is that….wrong? (Edit: I emailed him at work to ask him, and he doesn’t know either, so I consider myself fully exonerated. Assuming I know what “exonerated” means. Like, totally cleared of all blame, is what I’m hoping it means.)

If your toddler son were given a free See’s chocolate lollipop and you were not given one, and if he slobbered it for awhile but then got distracted and forgot about it, you’d give it a quick rinse and finish it yourself, right? No brainer, right?

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I’ll say this: Any political candidate whose support-raising phone call wakes up a napping child AUTOMATICALLY LOSES MY VOTE.

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I have to stop browsing Amazon’s toy sales, because they are DRIVING ME WILD. I bought a 2-pack of Melissa & Doug dress-up puzzles for $5.99! A Fisher-Price Alphabus for $6.90! This cute little Leapfrog stacker for $2.99! A My Little Pony 3-pack (shout-out to 1983!) for $4.50! A whole bunch of assorted Cube World things that Rob and William want but that I’d thought were not something we could afford! The Leapfrog lowercase letters pack for our fridge phonics! Leapfrog caterpillar for $5.99! I am in 7th Shopping Heaven! Must! Stop!

A few days ago I asked if you made and sold stuff the rest of us could buy. I’m putting the list below, and I have been SO SCATTERBRAINED recently that if you think to yourself, “Um, does she know she spelled my name wrong / put me down as the wrong business / omitted me / forgot my url / called my shop the wrong name?,” the answer is NO and you should email me (swistle at gmail dot com) and I will fix it. I didn’t mean to leave out anyone who emailed me or left a comment, so if I DID leave you out, it was an oversight, not a deliberate exclusion.

And if you too are scatterbrained these days and you think to yourself, “Oh, shoot, I forgot to send in my shop info / say that I wanted a link to my blog / mention a discount,” I can change that too. Here’s the list:

Handmade Things:

Black Sheeped (Kara Marie) of Baa Baa Black Sheep has an Etsy shop KaraRee

Melissa H. of Under Construction has an Etsy shop Haworth Handmade

Lauren‘s friend Nora has a shop Snuggle Bug Blankets and Gifts

Wendi has a shop Contemporary Candles

Sarah has an Etsy shop In the Heartland, From My Heart

Anita’s friend has an Etsy shop Junk Posse

Nikki of My Husband Calls Me Weird has a shop Delvii Creations (mention Swistle and she’ll take $5 off your order)

Hard to Catagorize:

Trena of You, Me and a Baby does blog design at Trena B. Designs (mention the name Swistle to her and she’ll give you 10% off)

Be Inspired Always has self-published a book: JillianCurtis.com

Samantha Jo Campen founded a pet shelter that has a shop

Direct Marketing:

My friend Lee sells Avon

Mommy Daisy sells Pampered Chef (if you find something you want on the site, email her to order: mommydaisy at gmail dot com)

Jen sells Tupperware

Jennifer of Bebe Nino sells Creative Memories

Linda sells Usborne books

I am having a little trouble getting the CHRISTMAS SPIRIT going around here.

I finally set up the tree, a beautiful pre-lit fake I bought last year at 75% off. It took me ages to fluff up all the branches and put all the ornaments on. Then the tree gave me two nasty electric shocks–not the snapping kind you get from scuffing your feet on the carpet, but the vibrating kind that leave you doing a mental check to make sure all systems are still go.

So the project that had been oppressing me since Thanksgiving, the one that took several hours of work BUT AT LEAST IT WAS DONE—had to be all undone again, and there was our living room looking all naked and grim the way it shouldn’t look until after New Year’s. Paul was scrambling around cooking me dinner and offering to do the dishes, so I know I must have been thunderclouding it there for awhile. If I remember correctly, I suggested canceling Christmas.

Now we have our old, puny, non-pre-lit fake tree up, which Paul put up while I was out shopping, and also he put up the lights. This made me feel as if we could go ahead and have Christmas after all. Still, I’m sad about the gorgeous tree.

This is the tree that tried to take me down. Pretty, though.

Also, we have received one (1) Christmas card so far. I like to put all the cards up around a doorway, and that doorway is looking PRETTY PITIFUL with one little card stuck to it. It is TWO WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS EVE, people! Get with the cards! …Oh, what about MY cards? Still not out. Waiting for photos. *cough*

Heads (feet) up! I just posted over at SundryBuzz about a great deal on shoes. Two examples:

Sundry has a big readership, so I’d move fast if I were you.