Don’t keep asking me what the baby needs. You’re his father, you can go through the checklist as easily as I can. Food? Diaper? Sleep? Attention? New chew toy? Figure it out, genius.

Ask me what the baby needs when you don’t know. I’m with him around the clock, and there’s no shame in asking the expert. You’re acting as if you think listening to a woman would sap your manhood. Ask for some help, genius.

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Buy me something special and romantic from time to time. Come home with flowers. Tell me you couldn’t resist buying me those earrings. Bring me a bakery cake just as a treat out of the blue.

Oh my god, we are hemorrhaging money! You can’t just go spending willy-nilly on non-essentials or we won’t make the mortgage! I know you think this is romantic, but it won’t feel romantic when I’m balancing the checkbook later!

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Don’t tell me every time you change a diaper. What are you expecting, fireworks? I don’t tell you every time I change a diaper.

Tell me when you change a diaper. How can we work as a team when we’re not both up to date on what’s been done and what hasn’t? I feel like an idiot when I go to do a routine diaper change and find a totally dry, fresh diaper.

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Listen, I am not the only one with the magical powers required to pick up a gallon of milk. Could YOU be the one to go out for toilet paper occasionally?

I can’t believe you’re leaving me home with the children again. Don’t I get enough of this during the week?

Oh, dear, yesterday’s post was confusing, wasn’t it? First I say these are gifts I give to pineholes, and then I make a list of gifts you want. What are you to think?

Well, they ARE good gifts! I give these things to people I like, too. But in the case of pineholes, the gifts are good only to reflect well on me. I don’t care if he likes them or not, and THAT’S what makes them “gifts for pineholes.” Does he like to do puzzles? Does he need/want a fluffy throw? Who knows, who cares? It’s a Good Gift, and I am giving it to him to fill in the Gift Slot, but with the care/love ABSENT.

I’ve been renewing my efforts to turn off lights that don’t need to be on. (Oh, hi! Subject change!) It does not come naturally. I was feeling all proud of myself as I turned off three lights on my way to the kitchen for another cookie. Then I saw the fridge was partly open. Way to save the environment through care and attention, dimwit.

This morning I caught Edward putting the letter K from our alphabet puzzle into the return-air vent. I rescued it and asked him if he’d put anything else down there. He said “Yeh.” I said, “What?” and he said “J.” I wasn’t sure he knew what he was talking about, but I thought it was worth getting the screwdriver out and seeing what was what. Behind the vent I found SEVENTEEN letters from the alphabet puzzle, a plastic lid, and a lens from our google-eye glasses.

The hired plow that plowed the driveway of our across-the-street neighbors plowed the snow into OUR front yard. That’s…not right, right? I don’t even actually deep-down mind it (it makes a good natural fence between the front yard and the road, and also it’s just SNOW), but I mind IN PRINCIPLE. Paul saw the guy plowing snow into our yard, so he went outside and did a few minutes’ shoveling in our driveway, just to communicate, “Hey, we’re here and we see you.” While Paul was out there, the guy didn’t put any snow in our yard. Then Paul went inside and the guy immediately plowed a big load of snow into our yard (leaving big humps of snow in the road, too) and drove off. NICE.

I am wondering: What is on the top of your tree? Is it the same as what was on the top of your family’s tree when you were a child? If you are partnered, is it the same as what was on the top of your partner’s family’s tree when your partner was a child? (You know what the English language needs? A gender-neutral singular pronoun appropriate to use for people. “It” is insufficient for our needs.)

When I was a child, my family topped the tree with a big huge fabric bow. When I was living on my own, I tried the big bow for a few years but it didn’t suit. Then we bought a little fairy at a craft fair and tried her for a few years, but she was too small for the job. This year I am trying this:

Why, yes it IS a giant green glittery butterfly, more seasonally-appropriate for SUMMER. I’m OPEN-MINDED about tree-toppers, okay? Also, Christmas trees sure look sad and clashy and wirey if you (1) use the flash (2) in daytime.

I don’t even know what Paul’s family used as a tree-topper. Is that….wrong? (Edit: I emailed him at work to ask him, and he doesn’t know either, so I consider myself fully exonerated. Assuming I know what “exonerated” means. Like, totally cleared of all blame, is what I’m hoping it means.)

If your toddler son were given a free See’s chocolate lollipop and you were not given one, and if he slobbered it for awhile but then got distracted and forgot about it, you’d give it a quick rinse and finish it yourself, right? No brainer, right?

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I’ll say this: Any political candidate whose support-raising phone call wakes up a napping child AUTOMATICALLY LOSES MY VOTE.

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I have to stop browsing Amazon’s toy sales, because they are DRIVING ME WILD. I bought a 2-pack of Melissa & Doug dress-up puzzles for $5.99! A Fisher-Price Alphabus for $6.90! This cute little Leapfrog stacker for $2.99! A My Little Pony 3-pack (shout-out to 1983!) for $4.50! A whole bunch of assorted Cube World things that Rob and William want but that I’d thought were not something we could afford! The Leapfrog lowercase letters pack for our fridge phonics! Leapfrog caterpillar for $5.99! I am in 7th Shopping Heaven! Must! Stop!

A few days ago I asked if you made and sold stuff the rest of us could buy. I’m putting the list below, and I have been SO SCATTERBRAINED recently that if you think to yourself, “Um, does she know she spelled my name wrong / put me down as the wrong business / omitted me / forgot my url / called my shop the wrong name?,” the answer is NO and you should email me (swistle at gmail dot com) and I will fix it. I didn’t mean to leave out anyone who emailed me or left a comment, so if I DID leave you out, it was an oversight, not a deliberate exclusion.

And if you too are scatterbrained these days and you think to yourself, “Oh, shoot, I forgot to send in my shop info / say that I wanted a link to my blog / mention a discount,” I can change that too. Here’s the list:

Handmade Things:

Black Sheeped (Kara Marie) of Baa Baa Black Sheep has an Etsy shop KaraRee

Melissa H. of Under Construction has an Etsy shop Haworth Handmade

Lauren‘s friend Nora has a shop Snuggle Bug Blankets and Gifts

Wendi has a shop Contemporary Candles

Sarah has an Etsy shop In the Heartland, From My Heart

Anita’s friend has an Etsy shop Junk Posse

Nikki of My Husband Calls Me Weird has a shop Delvii Creations (mention Swistle and she’ll take $5 off your order)

Hard to Catagorize:

Trena of You, Me and a Baby does blog design at Trena B. Designs (mention the name Swistle to her and she’ll give you 10% off)

Be Inspired Always has self-published a book: JillianCurtis.com

Samantha Jo Campen founded a pet shelter that has a shop

Direct Marketing:

My friend Lee sells Avon

Mommy Daisy sells Pampered Chef (if you find something you want on the site, email her to order: mommydaisy at gmail dot com)

Jen sells Tupperware

Jennifer of Bebe Nino sells Creative Memories

Linda sells Usborne books

I am having a little trouble getting the CHRISTMAS SPIRIT going around here.

I finally set up the tree, a beautiful pre-lit fake I bought last year at 75% off. It took me ages to fluff up all the branches and put all the ornaments on. Then the tree gave me two nasty electric shocks–not the snapping kind you get from scuffing your feet on the carpet, but the vibrating kind that leave you doing a mental check to make sure all systems are still go.

So the project that had been oppressing me since Thanksgiving, the one that took several hours of work BUT AT LEAST IT WAS DONE—had to be all undone again, and there was our living room looking all naked and grim the way it shouldn’t look until after New Year’s. Paul was scrambling around cooking me dinner and offering to do the dishes, so I know I must have been thunderclouding it there for awhile. If I remember correctly, I suggested canceling Christmas.

Now we have our old, puny, non-pre-lit fake tree up, which Paul put up while I was out shopping, and also he put up the lights. This made me feel as if we could go ahead and have Christmas after all. Still, I’m sad about the gorgeous tree.

This is the tree that tried to take me down. Pretty, though.

Also, we have received one (1) Christmas card so far. I like to put all the cards up around a doorway, and that doorway is looking PRETTY PITIFUL with one little card stuck to it. It is TWO WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS EVE, people! Get with the cards! …Oh, what about MY cards? Still not out. Waiting for photos. *cough*

Heads (feet) up! I just posted over at SundryBuzz about a great deal on shoes. Two examples:

Sundry has a big readership, so I’d move fast if I were you.

I’ve already placed three Avon orders with my friend Lee, partly because it is fun (I love having new stuff to try) and partly because it makes me feel good that some of my money is going to someone I love and know and want to support.

That got me thinking: maybe it would be fun for US to buy from OTHERS OF US, if you see what I mean. And if it’s not fun for YOU, it will at least be fun for ME.

If you make stuff and sell it, or if you have a friend or family member who makes stuff and sells it, email me: swistle at gmail dot com. We’re getting pretty close to Christmas here, but I think there’s still time for this if we move fast. I’m planning to use roughly this format:

• Black Sheeped (Kara Marie) of Baa Baa Black Sheep has an Etsy shop KaraRee
• Melissa H. of Under Construction has an Etsy shop Haworth Handmade

See? Like that. So if you want to submit a shop, let me know your name/nickname (ideally the name you use to comment, so people will recognize you), the name/url of your usual blog if you have one, and the name/url of your shop. If it’s, like, your mom’s shop or your best friend’s shop, tell me that too so I can put that in. (It doesn’t have to be Etsy; it just happened that my only two examples were both Etsy.)

I’m going to talk to Kara about maybe posting the resulting list of shops on Maybe Painted Pink, too, so let me know if that’s not okay for your shop.

I’m afraid I already bought Melissa H.’s last set of wooden buttons, and also one of only two clothespin-doll-making multi-pack kits. I was pretty sure they’d go fast, so I got to them first. SO SELFISH. Now I am nagging her to post some of her cute baby bibs–maybe sweet coordinated assortment sets of three? Hmm.

I also asked for Kara’s “Rain Study” for Christmas, and it sold shortly after I mentioned it not very casually to Paul (I believe I was clutching his upper arms as I spoke), so I’m hoping it’s MINE MINE ALL MINE.

I’m having my second cup of coffee (heavily sweetened/lightened with chocolate creamer—MMMMmmmmmm) and going through all the comments on yesterday’s Christmas card photo vote. It is so, so fun to get all this input. I am getting hooked, and soon I will need you all to accompany me on Target trips, where I will put to the vote such issues as “Do you think I would ever use these cute canape plates? They’re 75% off!” and “Do you think Edward has enough brown-based shirts, or should I get him one more? It’s 75% off!” And you, if you have learned your lines, will say, “75% off? That’s basically FREE! How can you go wrong?”

You have CHANGED MY MIND on the photos. When I put them up for the vote, I had already mostly decided to use Option Five. I had some reservations, but basically that was the decision. Now I am going with Option One. Here are the things that swayed me most:

• the negative reactions to the bed–even though lots of people also said pshaw to that concern
• the comments about how Elizabeth looked sad, and especially the ones about how she looked excluded from all the loving cuddling–even though people also said she looked funny and cute and only-girl-ish
• the comments about how everyone seemed so HAPPY in Option One (happy is one of my primary choosing factors)
• the thing about everyone in Option Five being in socks except for Edward, which I hadn’t noticed

I was briefly intrigued by the suggestions that I could (1) photoshop out the bed, (2) see if black-and-white lessened the obviousness of the bed, or (3) do a collage of good pictures of each child individually, but I got (4) overwhelmed by the idea of doing anything except sending away for prints–and maybe buying a decent couch before next year’s photo (our current couch is a burgundy/camel/blue plaid with a big rip in it).

So not only are you influencing my Christmas cards this year, you’re also influencing my furniture decisions. (Also, I DID get the canape plates. AND the shirt. Okay, two shirts.)

If you HAVEN’T voted yet, it’s not too late: I may still be swayable.

You have seen the bad, now it is time to vote on five that didn’t come out so bad. I’ve invested as much tooth enamel as I’m willing to, so there won’t be any more sessions and these are the final five options:

Option One
(l to r: William, Elizabeth, Henry, Rob, Edward)

The good:

• Great of William, great of Rob.
• Fine of Elizabeth and Edward.
• Acceptable of Henry.
• The older four all look happy.

The bad:

• Only one child is looking at the camera.
• It’s hard to see in a smallish photo, but Elizabeth looks strained because she’s laughing with her teeth clenched.
• Also, Elizabeth is holding a marker.
• It’s acceptable of Henry, but it would be nice for it to be GREAT of Henry, since this is his first Christmas card photo.
• Edward has his hand in his mouth, and he’s squinting.
• I didn’t dress them specially for the picture, so they’re just in whatever they happened to be wearing.

Option Two
(l to r: Edward, Rob, Henry, William, Elizabeth)

The good:

• I like the arrangement and think it’s interesting to look at.
• It’s fine of Edward, Rob, and Elizabeth.
• It’s cute of Henry.
• Everyone’s looking at the camera.
• They’re wearing clothes I deliberately selected.

The bad:

• The clothes I deliberately selected don’t work. The red shirts blend into the chair. The orange shirts match in a jarring way: “Why do these two children match?” The brown dress is a different shade of brown than the brown in the shirts.
• It’s bad of William.
• Edward’s hand is in his mouth and he’s pointing.

The good:

• The arrangement is a little jumbled, but I find it pleasing to look at.
• It’s great of Edward and Rob.
• It’s good of Elizabeth.
• It’s acceptable of William.
• Everyone but Henry is looking at the camera.

The bad:

• The clothes still don’t work.
• Henry is posed weirdly and has his hands in front of his face and his legs splayed out and his jeans are pulled up funny.
• William is poking Henry.

The good:

The bad:

• They are looking in three different directions.
• William’s smile is kind of forced.
• Rob looks kind of weird. And I like the older children to look as cute as possible, since younger children are pretty cute even if they’re not at their cutest.
• Elizabeth isn’t as cute as she could be, and last year she was the one who got sacrificed in a photo that was great of everyone else, so this year I’d like her to be really cute.
• It’s on our BED. Is that okay? To have OUR BED in the Christmas card photo?

The good:

• It’s terrific of Henry and Edward, and Edward was SO DIFFICULT to get good pictures of. He kept ducking at the last second. At one point I gripped his upper arm in a manner not compatible with the spirit of Christmas.
• Pleasing symmetry: older boys tilted very slightly out, younger boys tilted in, girl perfectly straight in the middle.
• Elizabeth’s pose is typical of her, and it’s cute the way her toes are pointed in and her hands are folded. She’s not smiling, but I think her expression is cute anyway. So earnest.
• It’s good of William.
• Henry’s “NEW!” shirt is showing.
• William is holding Henry’s foot in a cute way.
• Rob and Edward look cuddly, and I like how Rob’s hands are positioned. He looks like such a big brother. You’d never guess that Edward kept slamming the back of his head into Rob’s chest and chin.
• EVERY SINGLE CHILD is looking at the camera. Isn’t that one of the signs of the apocalypse?

The bad:

• It’s not great of Rob. His teeth ARE prominent, but they’re not THAT prominent. And his smile isn’t characteristic. It’s not BAD of him, but it’s not as cute as he is. Compare to Option One, which is more typical of him.
• It is, as I say, on our bed. Which, meh?

I think there are two kinds of votes that are useful: own-conclusion votes, and reactive votes. So first I think you should choose your favorite, and vote for it without reading any comments. THEN, if you have sufficient time and interest, read the comments and see if it changes your opinion at all–and if it does, say so. My mom and I find that sometimes we each choose a favorite, but then when we hear the other person’s favorite we change our minds–or become stronger in our convictions.