Don’t keep asking me what the baby needs. You’re his father, you can go through the checklist as easily as I can. Food? Diaper? Sleep? Attention? New chew toy? Figure it out, genius.
Ask me what the baby needs when you don’t know. I’m with him around the clock, and there’s no shame in asking the expert. You’re acting as if you think listening to a woman would sap your manhood. Ask for some help, genius.
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Buy me something special and romantic from time to time. Come home with flowers. Tell me you couldn’t resist buying me those earrings. Bring me a bakery cake just as a treat out of the blue.
Oh my god, we are hemorrhaging money! You can’t just go spending willy-nilly on non-essentials or we won’t make the mortgage! I know you think this is romantic, but it won’t feel romantic when I’m balancing the checkbook later!
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Don’t tell me every time you change a diaper. What are you expecting, fireworks? I don’t tell you every time I change a diaper.
Tell me when you change a diaper. How can we work as a team when we’re not both up to date on what’s been done and what hasn’t? I feel like an idiot when I go to do a routine diaper change and find a totally dry, fresh diaper.
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Listen, I am not the only one with the magical powers required to pick up a gallon of milk. Could YOU be the one to go out for toilet paper occasionally?
I can’t believe you’re leaving me home with the children again. Don’t I get enough of this during the week?
Aaaaah, yes. So glad I am not the only one with multiple personalities. Also you forgot: Don’t touch me! / Why don’t you ever touch me?
I have felt every one of those things. I think this should be one of your Top Ten Posts Of Awesomeness. And also yes to Penny’s “don’t touch me/why don’t you ever touch me?” Holy crap, have I been there lately!
Heh! I’m sure my Hubs can relate to yours!
also – why don’t you do any housework around here? Who do you think I am, the maid?
If you’re not going to fold the towels the way I like, don’t touch the laundry at all..ditto the dishes, etc.
I need some attention. Leave me alone! Can’t we ever cuddle? Don’t touch me!
Yes, marriage is a such a “happy” balance.
How about: Why do you work so much? You’re never home!/I need some ME time! Can’t you find something to do?
or
Why do you work all the time? Life is about more than money!/I want a vacation, to a tropical place! and while we’re at it, I need a new car!
I can’t believe you want THAT. I’m bf’ing a baby and absolutely exhausted. Stay the heck away from me!
****
Why am I so grumpy? You know what I probably need? It rhymes with getting weighed…
I am going to request that you remove the cameras you have at my house. Because you’ve obviously been watching/listening to our conversations.
Laughing sooooooo hard at this post. I even shared it with my husband so he’d know all women are bi-polar.
Yes, definitely sounds familiar. I usually change my mind the second he gives in to my initial demand. Luckily, he’s patient.
nooo don’t load the dishwasher like that! Come on, this isn’t rocket science! That doesn’t go there!
Why can’t you put your glass in the dishwasher rather than leave it out on the counter???
I asked my husband to mop the kitchen today and he did. I went into the kitchen afterward and saw that he half-assed it. I opened my mouth to smart off about it and stopped. You know what? I sat on my butt, playing with the baby while he mopped. And you know what else? I totally would have half-assed it, too.
oh no…this is so very true.
how about just a minute ago when my husband was glued to his fantasy football site on the computer and i ALMOST (note: i caught myself) said to him that he spends too much time on his laptop (while I sat scrolling through #55 of the one million blogs I like to check.) Hypocrite? Me? no way.
Yes. Just — yes.
Hahahaha! Glad to know I’m not the only schizo out there!
Why are you asking me if the dishes in the dishwasher are clean? Can’t you look? /Why didn’t you ask me if they were clean before throwing dirty dishes in there to drip all over the clean ones?!
OMG I do this all the time. Great post!
Hahahaha, I love this, Swistle. I know exactly what you mean.
Meg.
LMFAO…. I love this. It’s all so very true!
YES.
Also … you’re not pregnant again, are you? Sounds a little hormonal to me.
Hah!
I also have this one to add:
You need to get out more and go network. Go to that cocktail party thing!
Coupled with:
Argh! Are you really going to leave me alone with YOUR children for 3 hours just to suck down drinks and schmooze? Don’t leave me alone!
(Where’s my time out to go drinking?)
Amen, sister! Yet no matter which of these I am thinking at any time, I am always right and he is always wrong. Always.
Also, when I glanced at the title of this post in Google Reader, I thought it said “Contractions” and that you were going to tell us you were pregnant again.
Oh, Moosmoo. Let’s not think about it.
haaaaahaaaaa
You crack me up.
Shelly Overlook- You too? You and Moosmoo are hoping for Trouble!
Holy Christ that was just too damn perfect.
I also am going to ask you to remove the camera’s from our house!
I’ve written a similar post here and there! I do so know what you mean!!
And I’m in complete shock that anybody would even bring up the p word!! How could they??
Oh, I’m glad I’m not the only one. I have thoughts/comments like this ALL THE TIME!
The answer to WHAT WOMEN WANT: We don’t know!
hand waving madly – me too – I thought I was the only mad cow in this world.
My husband will love this post.Brilliant !!!!
*High fives all around*
OH. MY. GAWD.
You have these flip-floppings, too? Oh, Swistle, you are my sanity saver!!! Um, especially about the flowers…
Oh my that is so me!
Surfing on over from Baby A’more’s twin blogging list and I am really enjoying the read!
Oh, I enjoyed this one so, so much.
My worst one is the “why can’t YOU ever run the errands/why are you leaving me alone AGAIN”.
Holy Crap, I think you must be eavesdropping on my daily conversations. I swear those EXACT sentences come out of my mouth several times a day.
This was so, so awesome.
Mine is:
Why am I the only one who can empty this dishwasher? / Who emptied the dishwasher and put everything in the wrong place?
ah yes…
come home, why don’t you spend more time with your family
/
work later, sheesh, if you finish this freelance gig that’s another $500 in our budget!
Oh Swistle, how I love you for this.
Sounds just like every other married couple with children.
Don’t know if that makes you feel any better, but there it is.
I contradict myself ALL the time. As evident in my writing.
you been spying on me????
Love it, love it all. Especially Penny’s addition of “don’t touch me/why don’t you ever touch me.”
Strangely, this post helps me feel a little more sympathetic toward my husband. I AM a little crazy sometimes!
Too funny! And I totally know what you mean!
OMG. Yes. Yes. Yes. I am going to fawn on you now. I love you. I am going to stop blogging and just start putting up redirects. “What she said.”
As I just read your post, my husband and I just got into an argument.
“I only have 2 days left of vacation and I’ve been here all day, by myself with the baby and you come home just long enough to eat. You can’t even help clean up!”
“Ya know what GO! I really don’t want you here anyway.”
I’m glad I’m not the only one!
Wow. I’ve had these exact thoughts. We’re contradiction twins! I don’t feel so alone now. Thanks!
I wish that I didn’t know what on Earth you were talking about.
Mommy Daisy…What Women Want?
The opposite of whatever was just DONE…oh, and do it better next time!
:-)
Jules
PS: Ditto to EVERYONE!