When I took this new job, saying to myself, “I can always just quit,” I thought of that as mere anxiety-suppressing reassurance: I did not ACTUALLY think it would be such a failure I’d want to quit. I thought I was just helping myself over the hurdle.

I’ve NEVER quit a job in the first week or even the first month. I’m always anxious and upset at first: that’s normal. But I don’t make panicked plans to quit. On yesterday’s 5-hour shift, on my third day of work, I spent quite a bit of it mentally composing what I’d say to the employer. “It’s just not a good fit.” “I’d thought it would be great, but actually it’s not working out at all. I’m sorry.” “I hate it. It turns out it is every single thing I hate about everything.” “Please, don’t pay me for hours worked so far: you’ve had to go to considerable trouble and expense to background-check, hire, and train me, and I would feel awful if you also had to PAY me for this failed experiment.”

I’m not quitting yet. But. This job is so different from what I had in mind. Here are the ways:

1. I’d thought, “I will be keeping people from having to go to nursing homes when all they need is a little help with a few minor things and going to a nursing home would be ridiculous just for that!” I didn’t realize I’d end up thinking in some cases, “Wait. WHY not a nursing home? Because that makes WAAAAYYYY more sense here.”

2. In my fantasy, I was an expert at this. In real life, I am not. I am barely trained. My training was nine hours of educational paperwork that made me want to go to a fall-out shelter with 50 gallons of bleach, and four hours of following someone on their shift. That’s it. That’s all. That’s how trained I am. Hi! I can take care of your elderly loved one! I’m used to the CO-WORKER mode of training, where at first I spend all my shifts working with another co-worker who tells me everything and corrects everything I do wrong and shows me all the best ways to do things and is there for all my questions. I’m not used to this thing where I just…start working.

3. In my fantasy, I was comfortable with everything, an angel of efficiency and competence. In real life, I am not. I am IN SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE. I don’t know how ANYTHING works there; I don’t know where anything IS there. I don’t know where the sink-disposal switch is. I don’t know where the trash goes. I don’t know how they like a BLT made. I have never made tapioca before. It is everything I hate: trying to do the right thing when I don’t know what the right thing is and can’t figure it out and in some cases can’t even ask (and in other cases feel like I’m driving people crazy with too many questions); I have to guess. It’s my own personal nightmare. PASS THE TEST! YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TO THE CLASS.

4. Worst of all, if someone doesn’t want my help, or doesn’t like the way I do things, I take it personally. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW FULL-WELL I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO. If an elderly man doesn’t like the dinner I give him, and later rejects my help with the lid of his medication even though his daughter told me to help him, I TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I feel like he’s not rejecting help, he’s rejecting MY help. The caregiver I trained with was totally shruggy: “Whatever. Some days they don’t want help. Put ‘refused’ on the form.” THAT is the way to be.

Well. The only thing keeping me from giving up and quitting right now is the slim hope that even though I haven’t felt this way with previous jobs, this is nevertheless New Job Anxiety, and that soon I WILL feel comfortable and WILL know what I’m doing and WON’T get so upset about things. Well, and that it would be so embarrassing to quit, and that it was SO HARD to make myself go through this process and I don’t want to have it go to waste and/or have to do it again for another job. I’m not sure how long to give it, though.

I had my first real shift at my new job, and today I am feeling very low and sad, which is completely expected. I feel like I bumbled everything, like I radiated idiocy, etc. But that will get better. There is just no way to skip the newbie stage.

One of my major issues was that about 90% of the job is “you just have to know” as opposed to “it’s written on the sheet of duties.” So for example, “make dinner” is on the sheet of duties, but here are the things I don’t know:

1. What they like to eat
2. Whether they like the gravy on the mashed potatoes or on the side
3. Whether I should cut up the food
4. Whether they like a frozen dinner to be microwaved, or put in the oven
5. Whether they want condiments/salt/pepper nearby
6. Whether they use a napkin or a paper towel, and where the napkins are
7. What plate they like to use, and whether it can be breakable
8. What utensils they can handle
9. Whether they eat at the table or in front of the TV
10. Whether they’ll tell me if something is wrong
11. How to work this particular microwave
12. What they like to drink with dinner
13. What cup they like to use, and how full to fill it
14. If they generally eat dessert afterward
15. How much warning they need that something is hot
16. How to know if they’re done eating
17. Whether they’d clear their own dishes or if I’d do it
18. How dishes are done in this household (this is a huge multi-part unknown thing)
19. Whether leftovers are saved and, if so, in what and with what markings?
20. And if leftovers are NOT saved, are they trashed or sink-disposal’d?

It was completely exhausting. I felt like I didn’t even know how to cook. Like I was new not just to the household, but to ADULT LIFE.

And there were many, many other things like this. Such as that the client likes to have a glass of juice poured and left in the fridge before I leave, and that I should close the curtains in the living room, and that I should leave a light on in the stairwell. None of these things are written down: the caregivers just learn to do them, and then they Just Know. (In my case, a member of the family was there and told me.) I think they should be written down, but I can see how that would be difficult to do times two hundred households.

Paul points out that if I’m in this situation, that means EVERY caregiver is in this situation with EVERY new house. That IS somewhat comforting. It’s not that I alone am inexperienced, it’s that the system is set up so that even a caregiver with ten years of experience will come into a new household just as bumbling and dumb as I am. Whether it SHOULD be that way or not is irrelevant: the upshot is that it’s not just me.

Then there are ALSO the things I don’t know because I in particular am inexperienced. Things like, don’t close the toilet lid, and keep fresh gloves in my pocket, and make sure there are no wrinkles in the absorbent pad, and call the office if this or that or this other thing happens. I’m not even smooth yet about when to wear gloves and when not to.

This is what I miss about working with co-workers. In all my previous jobs, I worked WITH CO-WORKERS, which means someone is always right there to ask, or to volunteer a correction, or to show a trick for doing something better or more efficiently. Working on my own, I feel like I have to figure out everything from scratch—and there’s no one to ask. It takes “fake it until you make it” TOO FAR, I think.

What I would LIKE is to be allowed to follow around some other caregivers on their shifts, but I don’t know how to ask my boss for this. It feels as if they’ll think (1) I must be a poor fit for the job, if I need more training than they usually give, and/or (2) I’m trying to get paid for more training, instead of for real work.

I am extremely happy: for my new job, it turns out I get to wear scrubs. SCRUBS. Long have I waited for this day. Back in my daycare years, my co-worker was working on her nursing degree and she brought in a scrubs catalog one day, and I remember the envy that suffused me: SHE was going to get to wear SCRUBS. We co-workers pitched in to buy her a set as a graduation present, and it was so fun to CHOOSE: there were so MANY! TONS of fun patterns! TONS of pretty solids! MIX-AND-MATCH FOR MILES.

Scrubs look so MEDICAL. I remember when I got to wear a white coat for my pharmacy job, and people mistook me for a pharmacist. In scrubs, I might have nursing training! I don’t, but I look like I do!

Plus, I was freaking out about what to wear, and now I don’t have to worry anymore! Because I’ll be wearing scrubs!

Better still, I MAY wear complete sets of scrubs, but I may INSTEAD wear my own pants (even jeans!) with a scrubs top. This is great. It’s just GREAT! The perfect thing.

The company gave me two sets of scrubs to start out with, but they’re the leftovers of a failed experiment to have company scrubs, so there wasn’t much choice of color (i.e., none choice). Also, they’re unisex sizing, so the tops fit me so tight in the hips I can barely tug them down, and so loose in the shoulders and waist I look like I’m wearing a deflated balloon. Also, the office manager said apologetically that all of them “ran small” and we should take one size up, but the highest size they had was my actual size. (Not because they are cheeseheads who don’t recognize the full range of body sizes, but because it’s been years since these were ordered, and the higher sizes ran out way before the lower ones.)

BYGONES! This means more shopping. I went out and bought two sets of extremely cute scrubs, and I will be buying more soon. I didn’t want to buy too many all at once, in case I find I prefer one style or type, or in case I find unexpected shortcomings in the ones I bought (“Wait!! These don’t have POCKETS!!”).

Oh my glob, I cannot believe how much busier I am with this new job, and I am only TRAINING, which means I’m only doing two hours here, one hour there, doctor appointment here, form-filling-out there, reading-employee-manual here, watching video there. Well. I will just trust that I will get used to it, and that New Thing stress is part of what makes it FEEL busy. And the good news is, I now NEVER sit at home in my house thinking, “It is stupid to be bored like this. Anyone else would make good use of this time.”

I do my first real, just-me, not-training shift in a few days, and I am kind of nervous, kind of excited. Sixty-forty, probably. My guess is that as we approach the actual day, the nervousness will take over a larger portion.

Also! Guess what! I have NEVER known what “Lift with your legs, not your back” meant! NEVER. It’s like “Steer into the skid”: it seems to make sense to the person saying it, but it never makes sense to me. I’m NOT lifting “with my back”! I am using my hands and arms! Except apparently I AM lifting with my back, and now I’m going around the house practicing not doing that. It’s surprisingly hard to remember, and surprisingly hard to do. Also, I feel like I’m sticking my butt WAY out, which makes me feel self-conscious.

At a recent check-up with my primary doctor, she asked a question about a vitamin/supplement I’m taking. “Why are you taking this?,” she said, with a skeptical look. I said that my gynecologist recommended it, and explained what for. My primary doctor used her face to express doubt/disagreement about this, and then said that recent studies have shown vitamins to be ineffective. Well, except for the vitamins/supplements she has recommended for me. Those are different.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, when two of my doctors disagree. A level further: I don’t know what my DOCTOR expects me to do, when two of my doctors disagree. Does she expect me to disregard the other doctor’s advice? Is that what she would want me to do with HER advice, if I were talking to the OTHER doctor? How about the two of THEM duke it out, and then get back to me?

A level further: I don’t know what ANYONE IN THE HEALTH AND MEDICAL COMMUNITY wants us to do when EVERY SINGLE THING they say, recommend, suggest, advise against, lecture about–EVERY SINGLE BLESSED THING–is contradicted by another faction of their community. Or, in fact, by the SAME faction, if we wait a little while.

My dear plus-sized friends, where DO you shop for clothes? I went out today to buy a few Nicer Casual things to wear for things such as employee orientation, and felt appalled and discouraged. I am narrow shouldered, plump-armed, small-chested, small-waisted, much bigger from the waist down: classic pear, I guess. And long-waisted, so that shirts are usually too short and pants are usually too long (but petite pants are too short). I look terrible in anything sleeveless or v-neck.

Really, I was applying my most generous standards. I looked around FIRST, at several many-people gatherings, and observed what other plump women were wearing and how they looked. I thought, “Can I see lumpiness/plumpness? Yes. Do I care, or feel like it ‘looks wrong’? No. Is there anything she could wear that would make her look thin instead of plump? No.”

So then when I put on various clothes myself, I tried to pretend it was someone else wearing the clothes, and tried to ask the same questions. And I still hated everything. All the lower-half stuff sat way too low and baggy at the hips, then lumped out tightly and unattractively, then dragged on the floor. All the upper-half stuff seemed weird: big gaps through which my bra clearly showed, or see-through so that I would need to buy TWO shirts to do the work of one. Lots of slippery materials that felt icky and hot. I even tried on some sleeveless things and v-neck, but no. I look WRONG in them: they emphasize my narrow shoulders, plump arms, and small chest, and make my lower half look even larger.

I’ve heard lots of recommendations for online places, and then I click through and have ZERO IDEA what to even TRY ordering, or in what sizes. So much of it looks like plumpwear/elderwear even on the beautiful models, which seems like a bad sign. And considering that I can do four 6-garment trips into the dressing room and come out with NOTHING I’m even TEMPTED to buy, it’s hard to imagine having success WITHOUT trying things on.

We have a Lane Bryant within a doable distance (40-minute drive), but I find that store difficult. For one thing, it’s the kind of store where you’re not really supposed to pay the tag price for anything: everything is always going on 40% off, 50% off, buy-1-get-1-free, etc. But that means going there regularly, and I’m not going to do that: it’s in a mall I hate going to, and the drive there is unpleasant. I’ve been buying the jeans I like on eBay, just because I get tired of the constant sales-that-are-not-really-sales.

I thought Target’s new plus-size line AVA & VIV looked promising, but the stock was so patchy: I’d see a shirt I liked, and they’d only have it in X, or have my size only in black (an additional layer of Plumpness Woe: not looking good in black). Or I’d see a skirt, and they’d have it in X and 4X and nothing in between. I could try on only a handful of things. In some cases I tried a size bigger or smaller, just to get the idea, but sometimes that’s worse than unhelpful: the wrong size can make something look terrible when it would otherwise be cute. Other times, they didn’t even have a size within TWO sizes of mine, so I didn’t bother.

My favorite t-shirts and lightweight hoodies come from Old Navy: their plus-size tops are wide and cropped on me, but their XXL Tall works just right: narrow enough in the shoulders, but long enough. I’ve bought one or two other XXL Tall things on clearance, just to see, but nothing has been a success so far; still, I am not too discouraged to try again. I tried their plus-size jeans and the fit was completely wrong: it was as if they were made for someone with a waist the size of my hips, and hips the size of my waist. It was like when I try to wear men’s/unisex t-shirts: WAY too wide where I’m narrow, WAY too snug where I’m wider.

Tell me, have you had ANY luck? It seems hopeless. Every time I read someone saying “Don’t buy anything you don’t LOVE,” I think, “She is not shopping plus-sizes.”

I’m frustrated because I want to recommend some cute earrings, but something is weird with WordPress: my toolbar is gone in Text mode, and visible but non-functional in Visual mode. The “Add Media” button isn’t working, and dragging the picture over to the post isn’t working; in short, I can’t include a picture. So I’m just going to have to give you a link (I know just enough HTML to do it, which is good because the link button isn’t working either), which is unsatisfying. Perhaps later, when things are working again, I can come back and edit the post to be right. Anyway, here are the cute earrings: Beaded Drop Earrings. I think the smaller/thumbnail picture of them gives a better idea of how they look on the ears.

[It is now the future, and I have fixed the problem, and here is the picture:

(image from ChildrensPlace.com)

These are children’s earrings, so when I ordered them I thought they might be wee, but they’re way too big for Elizabeth to wear, and perfect for me. The beaded loop part is about the size of a quarter. I like them even better in person than in the picture. The colors are more intense than they look in the photo on my monitor: classic red rather than candy-apple red, medium purple rather than lilac, teal rather than turquoise. They look great with practically everything, even colors not included in the beads: my favorite combination so far was with a bright green shirt.

I like them so much, I ordered TWO MORE PAIRS, which is a little crazy. But I was getting upset at the thought of losing one or breaking one, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen any like these before. I figure that if I get sick of them and regret buying additional pairs, I’m only out $6; I can live with that.

Downsides, so you are forewarned:

1. On one earring of my pair, the inner loop doesn’t move freely within the outer loop as it’s supposed to. It can probably be bent until it does, but I messed with it a little with no success. It’s as if one of the little silver pieces holding everything together is just a fraction too big, making it nest snugly instead of loosely. This is another reason I ordered more pairs: if just one earring is glitchy, I can substitute another.

2. Where the end of the French hook touches my skin, it is just slightly itchy. Not enough to make me not want to wear the earrings, just enough to be something I would mention. Probably this too can be fixed. I seem to remember reading something about clear nail polish.

3. If I don’t wear one of those little rubber grippy backings that goes on a French hook, they periodically fall out of my ears. I’m willing to use the little rubber backings, but I didn’t used to be, so I will understand if this is a deal-breaker for you.

P.S. I just noticed when I clicked through to check my link that there is free shipping on every order today (AT LEAST today, that is). So we could be earring twins for $3.16, with no shipping!

P.P.S. Oh! And coupon code 15PLACE2 gives you another 15% off! $2.69 to be earring twins!

If there are one million things the internet has taught us, one of them is that people can feel completely differently about the etiquette of a situation. “I can’t BELIEVE someone would do X instead of Y!!,” someone will rant, leaving others saying, “What?? I thought I was SUPPOSED to do X! I was doing it ON PURPOSE in order to do the RIGHT thing! I thought it was rude to do Y!!”

For example, there are assorted rules covering table manners, and we weren’t all taught the same set. Certain things are clearly wrong (chewing with mouth open, for example), but many things can receive the benefit of the doubt: the “polite” way to hold a fork, the “polite” way to spoon up the soup, whether or not it’s okay to have elbows on the table, etc. There are plenty of rules where some of the population is taught that the X way is polite and the Y way is rude, or that X is hugely important and Y is outdated, while another part of the population is taught the exact opposite. It would be a mistake to judge someone else’s overall politeness or one’s own superiority by standards that aren’t universal.

However, I have been thinking LONG AND HARD, and I can’t think of ANY UNIVERSE in which it’s okay not to RSVP. Can you? That is, I allow for the possibility that I have overlooked a segment of the population that has been taught specifically NOT to RSVP, that RSVPing is rude. But I’m guessing I have not overlooked anything like that.

The only thing I can think of is that I suppose some people might think it counts as RSVPing if they tell their invited child to tell the birthday child that they can/can’t come—but aren’t we all familiar with children and their sketchy reliability? There’s no way for the birthday child’s parent to know if the invited child’s parent was involved, if the invited child accurately reported, if the birthday child accurately reported; there’s no way for the invited child’s parent to know if the message got through. It’s like playing Telephone, and also it ignores the instructions on the invitation for the manner in which the RSVP should be sent. Still: I can see how this could qualify as intending to RSVP, and not being aware that the attempt is failing.

I also know that sometimes a child crams the invitation in the backpack and doesn’t bring it out for days or weeks. In that case, it’s not failing to RSVP, it’s “See also: not letting children be in charge of carrying the RSVP messages.”

I do know, from experience and from thinking, that there can be reasons to postpone an RSVP: sometimes an invitation arrives three weeks before the event, and the family’s plans aren’t yet made, and maybe there’s a known event that is still up in the air but may very well be on that day: a game that will be that day if they win the other game this weekend, family possibly coming from out of town that day, etc. I have myself fallen victim to the “I can’t think about this right now,” put-it-in-the-pile-on-the-counter error. Ever since throwing my first kid party eleven years ago (this is a boring digression, but with Rob the plan was a Friend Party at age five and at age ten; please don’t tell the other children), I’ve avoided this—but it requires active remembering not to do it. (If I really couldn’t RSVP without waiting for more information, I would RSVP that that was the case: that is, “We got the invitation to Noah’s party. Jacob may have a game that day, if they win their game on the 17th. I’ll be back in touch as soon as we know.”)

I also know that there can be mix-ups. I am always a little worried that when I leave a message on an answering machine or send an email/text, that I may have dialed the wrong number or typed the wrong address or maybe the email got caught in a spam filter: what if someone THINKS I didn’t RSVP, when I DID?? *CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE* (This is why, although I wouldn’t go so far as to call someone back to say I got their RSVP, I do answer a text or email to say “Great! See you then!”) So with a certain percentage of failed RSVPs, I make that assumption: I assume that someone DID in fact RSVP, but that it didn’t reach me.

But all these things together don’t account for the number of people who just…don’t RSVP. Just, CHOOSE NOT TO.

I’ve heard that many people feel awkward about RSVPing a no, because it feels bad to reject an invitation, and I can see that. It IS harder than a yes. But which feels worse: telling someone they are sorry they can’t come but they have something else scheduled then, or being a no-show at someone’s birthday party? One of Elizabeth’s friends had a party recently and Elizabeth was the ONLY GUEST who came. The family could have adjusted for that if they’d known, but they didn’t know. Disappointed child, nearly-wasted party-place rental, wasted party bags, wasted pizza. We all made the best of it, but it would have been so much better to have some advanced warning. There were other adjustments that could have been made ahead of time to improve the party, if the parents had known.

Or, let’s be frank: there could have been second-string invitations. If the child is allowed to invite, say, six guests, and five of them RSVP a prompt no, then there is time to invite five more people. If there are a lot of uncertain guests, or the RSVPs of “no” come very late, there is no time.

Maybe people are thinking it doesn’t really matter to the host if one single guest doesn’t RSVP: they’re assuming everyone else is doing it, so they’re the only one who isn’t. And there are types of parties where it probably doesn’t matter if only one guest fails to RSVP: maybe it’s a big cook-out with the whole class invited, so if twenty-two of the twenty-three kids RSVP, the one uncertain guest falls well within the number of extra hot dogs and hamburgers that would be on hand anyway. But if five of the twenty-three guests RSVP, there is a HUGE DIFFERENCE between “food for five guests” and “food for twenty-three guests.”

In some cases, the host can call and nag. It’s pretty unkind to the host to make him/her do this, but at least they have an option. For Rob’s five-year-old friend party, where I’d allowed him to invite two friends and neither one RSVP’d, I was able to painfully, agonizingly, awkwardly call, because the kindergarten gave out parent-contact lists. I suffered, but at least I got the answers. But for Edward and Elizabeth’s parties, there are no parent-contact lists. The only way to get the invitations out is to send them in with the child (see above re: bad idea); the only way to get the RSVPs is to have the parents use the contact information provided on the invitation.

In short: RSVP! RSVP!

I’m still stressed about the new job, though less panicky now. It’s almost certainly about 10% genuine, justified worry, and about 90% pure anxiety. The brain wants to find a reason for the anxiety: it says to itself, “We are rational! Therefore we would not be feeling Huge Anxiety unless there was something to be Hugely Anxious ABOUT! Therefore, this must be something to be Hugely Anxious about!” Right now, the high anxiety levels are causing the brain to find explanations such as: “This won’t work!!” “It’s a terrible mistake!!” “I’ve done the WRONG THING!!” “EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE AND WRONG AND IMPOSSIBLE!! WHY ON EARTH DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA???”

The way I’m dealing with it is, first, by remembering that I have felt this way before about things that turned out to be absolutely fine. For the best example: the last time I got a job. But then again, when that happened, Paul was out of work and therefore home with the kids, so I didn’t have to worry about that at all. On the other hand, the four of us were living on my $8/hour plus his unemployment checks, and then the unemployment checks ran out and he still hadn’t been able to find a new job, so perhaps things evened out, concern-wise.

For another example: my once-a-week volunteer thing at the school. I felt as if I’d made a HUGE mistake signing up for that, and that it was going to be a HUGE PROBLEM to get out of it, and also that they would ask me for MORE and MORE and I would HAVE TO SAY NO ALL THE TIME. And in fact, what happened was that it’s turned into something I enjoy doing, and it’s not stressful at all anymore, and they did ask me to do a few more hours of things but it never went further than that, and if anything this gets me OUT of volunteering more, because I’m Already Volunteering. And I get other benefits, such as being a familiar person to the office staff. It’s been such a success, it actually adds to my current anxiety levels: “Oh no! What if I have to give up that volunteer job??”

It’s just, new things can be overwhelming and scary, and the only way to make them NOT overwhelming and scary is to make them NOT NEW. And the only way to do THAT is to do them. (I realize this is Psych 101 here, but I’ve had to repeat this course pretty often.) And maybe after making them Not New, they’ll STILL be overwhelming and scary, like how I feel about the phone: exposure therapy has not done the trick there, so I’ve had to try/use other coping methods. But the only way to find out if this is the kind of overwhelming/scary that will STAY overwhelming/scary is the same as the first way: do it. So either way, the way to get to the next step is to keep going with this step.

So I got my first of two TB tests (receptionist: “Ah! Going into the medical profession!”). No need to think of it as a pre-employment thing for a job I might possibly hate and oh god what was it one of the interviewers said about what to do if the elderly men get fresh while being bathed OH NO THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK, IT’S IMPOSSIBLE!! No, no, no need for any of that, it’s just a simple test at the doctor’s office! Whistle, whistle, who knows why it’s being done, just check the little box on the list of things to do.

Also, I am reviewing the reasons I thought this would be a good idea to begin with:

1. This is a set of life skills I would like to have. I would like to know how to help an adult walk, help an adult get out of a car, help an adult get dressed; I’d like to know about all the devices and techniques that can help elderly people. This seems like it could be hugely useful as my parents get older, as Paul gets older, as my friends get older, as we ALL get older.

2. I have too much time on my hands. It was fun for awhile, and a lot of it is still fun, but more and more I feel like I might go a little nuts. I could theoretically learn a language, take a class, organize/declutter my house, learn how to do stuff to make my blogs work better, but it turns out I DON’T do those things.

3. I want to feel more useful. I felt crazy in those years when we had all those little kids, but I also felt undeniably USEFUL, and it was clear to any outsider what I DID. Now, when my employment comes up, I feel awkward—especially since most of my acquaintances don’t know I blog, and I’m not about to tell the guy updating our checking account.

4. I’m interested in this work. I’ve been thinking of going back to work ever since I was up in the middle of the night with infant Rob, fantasizing about being allowed to return to the maternity ward, and NOTHING has seemed worthwhile or interesting. YES I could do this job, YES I could do that other job—but it didn’t feel WORTH it, and/or I thought I’d probably HATE it. This job made me feel excited about the idea of working again. I could be TOTALLY WRONG about it, but it seemed worth investigating.

5. This job has a lot of room to do MORE with it. I’d considered going back to being a pharmacy tech, but the only step up from there is certified pharmacy tech, which is a matter of passing a test (I passed a practice version) and making maybe an extra dollar an hour for that. From there, the only step up is pharmacist, and I’m not interested in doing that. But with elder care, there are tons of things I can learn, tons of relatively quick medical licenses I can obtain to allow me to do more things, several longer medical licenses I could train for to allow me to do even more things. I can find an interest (a certain type of elder care, a certain stage of elder care, a certain type of disabling condition, a certain setting for elder care) and specialize in that. When the kids are grown, I can do WAY more: traveling with someone elderly, doing overnights, doing temporary live-in respite care for someone’s mother while someone goes on vacation with her husband, etc. It feels to me like a CAREER path, rather than an entry-level job, even though it IS an entry-level job at this point.

6. I’d been thinking of volunteering for this sort of work. This is like volunteering, but PAID! In MONEY! Money that counts toward my future Social Security benefits!

7. This ties in with #4, but is also separate: this feels like MEANINGFUL work. I read Being Mortal and thought, “YES. People should be able to stay in their own homes as long as possible, if they want to!” That’s something I can immediately start helping with, unlike some of the other world problems. I may find myself swamped/disillusioned by the non-ideal stuff that always, always, ALWAYS accompanies A Nice Ideal, but the only way to see is to try.

8. If Paul were to leave or die, it would be nice to already be working, rather than having to scramble to make decisions and find something. In my anxious fantasies, I can picture myself increasing my hours and carrying on, instead of picturing myself flailing stressfully in an already stressful situation.

Yesterday I got a job (part-time in-home elder care), and today I would describe my status update as blind panic. What was I thinking, applying right before summer, when summer means I can’t work weekdays? …Or CAN I work weekdays? Short shifts? Leaving the children at home? Which would be a great way to get out of some of the hell that is summer vacation? But the agency needs mostly mornings, and mornings is EXACTLY when all the summer activities require my transportation and involvement. Should I just not sign the kids up for swimming lessons? Should I pay Rob to babysit and drive his siblings around? He needs a summer job anyway. But wait, that’s not money coming into the family, that’s money going from one family member to another; that makes no sense for college savings.

And what about when school starts up again? I mentioned to one of the interviewers that I’d put this off because I was thinking about what happens when the school nurse calls. She said yes, it’s a problem they all face because they’re all parents there, and I CAN’T LEAVE UNTIL SOMEONE ARRIVES TO COVER ME, and that could take an hour or more. (Paul: “That sounds like a really optimistic estimate, too: they can get someone to come in that quickly?”) Meanwhile, the school nurse is going to…babysit? How does THAT work?

And how will this work with all the other stuff, the appointments and lessons and extracurriculars and so forth? EVERYTHING IN OUR LIVES (appointment times, lesson times, whether the kids can do this or that extracurricular) is set up on the basis of one parent being home. On one hand, I have more time on my hands than I want or need. On the other hand, it’s all in HARD-TO-CONSOLIDATE PIECES.

Maybe it will be great. Maybe it will be great. Maybe it’s the first step of what will be a long and fulfilling career. It’s so hard to tell what is change-related/new-thing-related panic and anxiety, and what is truly a problem. LOTS of other people do this. LOTS! Okay, maybe they have a spouse who is available to handle some of the nurse calls and other scheduling issues. Or maybe they have other back-up, like non-working friends, or parents in the area (mine are in the area half the year, but not the other half). Or MAYBE IT SUCKS ALL THE TIME AND IS ALWAYS DIFFICULT AND STRESSFUL.

Maybe I should call the agency and quit, and start a new business: helping out working parents. I can pick up your children at school when the nurse calls, and babysit them until you get here! I can run to the store that’s only open until 5:00! I can take your kids to their orthodontist appointments and drop them back to school afterward! I can take them to their trumpet lessons and drive them home afterward! I can pick them up from school on the one day a week they have chess club and therefore miss the bus! I can bake something for the bake sale!