I’m still stressed about the new job, though less panicky now. It’s almost certainly about 10% genuine, justified worry, and about 90% pure anxiety. The brain wants to find a reason for the anxiety: it says to itself, “We are rational! Therefore we would not be feeling Huge Anxiety unless there was something to be Hugely Anxious ABOUT! Therefore, this must be something to be Hugely Anxious about!” Right now, the high anxiety levels are causing the brain to find explanations such as: “This won’t work!!” “It’s a terrible mistake!!” “I’ve done the WRONG THING!!” “EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE AND WRONG AND IMPOSSIBLE!! WHY ON EARTH DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA???”
The way I’m dealing with it is, first, by remembering that I have felt this way before about things that turned out to be absolutely fine. For the best example: the last time I got a job. But then again, when that happened, Paul was out of work and therefore home with the kids, so I didn’t have to worry about that at all. On the other hand, the four of us were living on my $8/hour plus his unemployment checks, and then the unemployment checks ran out and he still hadn’t been able to find a new job, so perhaps things evened out, concern-wise.
For another example: my once-a-week volunteer thing at the school. I felt as if I’d made a HUGE mistake signing up for that, and that it was going to be a HUGE PROBLEM to get out of it, and also that they would ask me for MORE and MORE and I would HAVE TO SAY NO ALL THE TIME. And in fact, what happened was that it’s turned into something I enjoy doing, and it’s not stressful at all anymore, and they did ask me to do a few more hours of things but it never went further than that, and if anything this gets me OUT of volunteering more, because I’m Already Volunteering. And I get other benefits, such as being a familiar person to the office staff. It’s been such a success, it actually adds to my current anxiety levels: “Oh no! What if I have to give up that volunteer job??”
It’s just, new things can be overwhelming and scary, and the only way to make them NOT overwhelming and scary is to make them NOT NEW. And the only way to do THAT is to do them. (I realize this is Psych 101 here, but I’ve had to repeat this course pretty often.) And maybe after making them Not New, they’ll STILL be overwhelming and scary, like how I feel about the phone: exposure therapy has not done the trick there, so I’ve had to try/use other coping methods. But the only way to find out if this is the kind of overwhelming/scary that will STAY overwhelming/scary is the same as the first way: do it. So either way, the way to get to the next step is to keep going with this step.
So I got my first of two TB tests (receptionist: “Ah! Going into the medical profession!”). No need to think of it as a pre-employment thing for a job I might possibly hate and oh god what was it one of the interviewers said about what to do if the elderly men get fresh while being bathed OH NO THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK, IT’S IMPOSSIBLE!! No, no, no need for any of that, it’s just a simple test at the doctor’s office! Whistle, whistle, who knows why it’s being done, just check the little box on the list of things to do.
Also, I am reviewing the reasons I thought this would be a good idea to begin with:
1. This is a set of life skills I would like to have. I would like to know how to help an adult walk, help an adult get out of a car, help an adult get dressed; I’d like to know about all the devices and techniques that can help elderly people. This seems like it could be hugely useful as my parents get older, as Paul gets older, as my friends get older, as we ALL get older.
2. I have too much time on my hands. It was fun for awhile, and a lot of it is still fun, but more and more I feel like I might go a little nuts. I could theoretically learn a language, take a class, organize/declutter my house, learn how to do stuff to make my blogs work better, but it turns out I DON’T do those things.
3. I want to feel more useful. I felt crazy in those years when we had all those little kids, but I also felt undeniably USEFUL, and it was clear to any outsider what I DID. Now, when my employment comes up, I feel awkward—especially since most of my acquaintances don’t know I blog, and I’m not about to tell the guy updating our checking account.
4. I’m interested in this work. I’ve been thinking of going back to work ever since I was up in the middle of the night with infant Rob, fantasizing about being allowed to return to the maternity ward, and NOTHING has seemed worthwhile or interesting. YES I could do this job, YES I could do that other job—but it didn’t feel WORTH it, and/or I thought I’d probably HATE it. This job made me feel excited about the idea of working again. I could be TOTALLY WRONG about it, but it seemed worth investigating.
5. This job has a lot of room to do MORE with it. I’d considered going back to being a pharmacy tech, but the only step up from there is certified pharmacy tech, which is a matter of passing a test (I passed a practice version) and making maybe an extra dollar an hour for that. From there, the only step up is pharmacist, and I’m not interested in doing that. But with elder care, there are tons of things I can learn, tons of relatively quick medical licenses I can obtain to allow me to do more things, several longer medical licenses I could train for to allow me to do even more things. I can find an interest (a certain type of elder care, a certain stage of elder care, a certain type of disabling condition, a certain setting for elder care) and specialize in that. When the kids are grown, I can do WAY more: traveling with someone elderly, doing overnights, doing temporary live-in respite care for someone’s mother while someone goes on vacation with her husband, etc. It feels to me like a CAREER path, rather than an entry-level job, even though it IS an entry-level job at this point.
6. I’d been thinking of volunteering for this sort of work. This is like volunteering, but PAID! In MONEY! Money that counts toward my future Social Security benefits!
7. This ties in with #4, but is also separate: this feels like MEANINGFUL work. I read Being Mortal and thought, “YES. People should be able to stay in their own homes as long as possible, if they want to!” That’s something I can immediately start helping with, unlike some of the other world problems. I may find myself swamped/disillusioned by the non-ideal stuff that always, always, ALWAYS accompanies A Nice Ideal, but the only way to see is to try.
8. If Paul were to leave or die, it would be nice to already be working, rather than having to scramble to make decisions and find something. In my anxious fantasies, I can picture myself increasing my hours and carrying on, instead of picturing myself flailing stressfully in an already stressful situation.
I love to hear the inner workings of other peoples minds! I get extremely anxious about new jobs. I always convince myself that there is no way I am capable of completing the tasks that will be required at the job and what the heck was I thinking trying to pretend that I am qualified for something like that. And then of course the job starts and I can handle it and all my worries were silly and in vain. Something about that fear of the unknown that gets us all crazy. I guess.
I hope all goes smoothly as you transition to your new job!
I love #8 because I always have anxiety attacks about that too.
I have done this kind of work and really enjoyed it. Elder care is perfect for people who are well suited to being a stay at home parent. You are using many of the same skills and unlike small children, older people are usually so grateful and appreciative of your help. It is very rewarding work.
Also, when my mother broke her hip, I was so glad I knew how to do bed transfers and baths. So, it does come in handy for those of us with teenagers and parents of hip breaking age. This is such a promising first step. Congratulations!
Because of my [undisclosed] job, I often work with women who are in dire straits because they did not consider #8. I think it is wonderful when mothers stay home (I do! I didn’t, but yay for stay-home moms!) but, oh. Nothing breaks my heart faster than a woman who never ever considered that she may have to provide for herself and her kids…and then she has to. Oh, women of the world. Don’t do that to yourselves.
Also, my cardinal rule: the first month of a job–any job, even a job you really want and are perfectly suited for–is terrible. Just terrible. And I think you are really well-suited for this job.
I really appreciate you writing so candidly about your new-job anxiety. And I like reading your commenters’ views as well. I’m applying for new jobs and feeling very anxious about them. It didn’t occur to me that many people probably feel this way, and that idea is comforting.
I’m so glad you’re doing this! And am very excited to hear how it goes.
I love reading your posts becauseI love seeing “thinking.” I’ve gone back work part time this past year, long before I expected to (my twins are in kindergarten) but one opportunity openedup, and then another…Now suddenly I have two more then part time jobs starting back up in September (I’m a teacher) and although I’m so very excited about it, I have so much anxiety about managing every other part of my life. I feel like I just got a handle on everything. This is a far cry from the 18 years of maternity leave I thought I might take. But the idea of being useful really speaks to me.
Thank you for sharing your life with strangers. It’s so nice!
i often lament how few real world skills i have. learning how to actually care for people, or how to be useful in medical situations (or, like, literally anything other than how to work in an office!) seems like a really smart idea.
I just saw this sign and it was directed right toward me!
Worrying works! – 90% of the things I worry about never happen!
Beng Mortal is so fucking good. Speaking as someone whose dad just died–well, one thing you learn with older sick parents is that there is such a lack of competent, kind caregivers. you will be amazing.
YES!! to #2, 3, 5, and 7!
Just wanted to chime in and say that I am really excited for this new phase of your life! I also think elder care is very interesting, for many of the reasons you mentioned and for reasons your commenters have noted.
I hope you’ll keep us updated – and it is really great to read about your thought process.
Also: you’re in a growing field of work. The population is aging and there will be more and more demand for your type of work. Much better than, say, being a VCR repairman. : )
I’m so delighted you’re doing this. Elderly people deserve kind, smart, and motivated people to take care of them when they can’t take care of themselves. As someone who lives further than she likes from her rapdily aging parents, it’s a relief to know there are people like you doing the work. I’m very jealous of those families who are lucky enough to have you working with their loved ones.
I am VERY interested in hearing more and more about this job and your impressions of it. I am another person who has always thought I would enjoy elder care. I have daydreamed that it is something that I would pursue if I was ever not able to continue at my current job (working for a cultural nonprofit whose funding is continually being threatened).
Can you share what qualifications were needed to get this position? I had always wondered if I would need some kind of nursing background. Would I be qualified with the following skills: pleasant, organized, hardworking, responsible, experienced in working with children, undergraduate degree in the humanities (no science classes since high school!!).
I applied for the job cold (that is, there was no job listing, I just filled out an application), which is too bad because it means I don’t have, say, an ad that lists what they were looking for. I don’t have any nursing background at all (my CPR isn’t even up-to-date), but I do have a caregiving background (daycare, parenting, even my greenhouse job apparently qualified as caregiving to some extent). My degree is in business (one single required science class—I took botany so there wouldn’t be anything gross), but one of the interviewers mentioned that ANY college degree “looks really good on the application.” It’s an entry-level job, so they expect to do training; but this means the pay is what you’d expect from an entry-level job. (It will go up as my training/experience goes up. Theoretically.)
The work itself is similar to homemaking/parenting, and in fact the job title is “caregiver/homemaker”; they expect the applicant to be able to cook and do light housework (e.g., change the sheets, do the dishes, run a load of laundry). They also wanted to know if I was okay with pets (caring for them as well as being around them), and if my driving record was good (many clients need to be driven to appointments). One interviewer said that one of the biggest things they’re looking for is NICE: they want someone who will be kind to the clients, and cheerful around them. (They also made it clear they value dependability/reliability, which is why I’m a little freaked out about the kids getting sick.) And you have to be able to work without supervision/instruction, since you’re on your own with the client.
They wished I’d had SOME experience with the elderly, but they were okay with me having none. Nursing experience/education is also a plus, but was also not required (I wondered if my pharmacy job looked good, even though it doesn’t actually apply). The questions they asked were more along the lines of “You have a good driving record, right? And no criminal record?” and “Are you okay with adult diaper-changing?” and “Are you okay with giving showers to men?” and “Seriously: your driving record is good? And for real, we’re not going to find anything when we run the criminal check? Please say yes and no, respectively.”
Good luck with your new job! Also, I don’t know why this is the part that struck me, but what *are* you supposed to do if a male client gets fresh with you?
Evidently there is a wide range of options. They told me, for example, that I was permitted to say something like “Quit it with that crap”: she said many employees feel they aren’t allowed to speak to the clients that way, but that unacceptable behavior was unacceptable behavior. Another option is to say something such as, “Mr. Allen, they won’t allow me to keep coming back here if you act that way”; that feels like more my style! Another option is to act bored and say, “All right, enough of that, this is just a shower.” If they get TOO fresh or I feel uncomfortable dealing with it, I can sign up for only female clients.
I think you will like this book a lot; it’s about somebody who works independently for elderly people and is insightful to their needs; they turn out to be pretty caring about him.
http://www.amazon.com/Patchwork-Planet-Ballantine-Readers-Circle/dp/0449003981
I actually think you would enjoy Anne Tyler very much if you have not read her before. She has such a keen eye for family life.
Oh! Oh oh! I did read that, long long ago! I only slightly remember it, but I remember liking it! I will have to read it again!