The twins are on their way back to college. I am feeling bereft.
And actually, I tried to more accurately identify the feeling (Facebook has been serving me reels by therapists, which, harsh but fair), and there’s an element of grief and an element of panic. I think partly it’s because having all the kids home reminded me that my main job (taking care of all the kids), which has long-since stopped being a full-time position, is ever continuing to diminish—which makes me look around at what is left. I am a middle-aged woman who plays phone games, works part-time at a library for an increasingly intolerable supervisor, messes around online, and shops. I am going to need to find the More.
I am not in the same situation exactly but am trying to figure out What’s Next for my one wild and precious life in a similar way. Trying to channel the poet Rainier Maria Rilke: “Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves.”
Various things I have considered pursuing more, or more formally: meditation, public service of some kind, going back to school.
Have you talked to your parents about how this transition went for them, or is it too different?
Oh Swistle, sending you love. It’s hard, isn’t it? Can I tell you, though, that you are an important part of MY world, to say the least. Your writing has buoyed me many times. I am sure every one of your readers feels the same way.
Yes. Don’t underestimate how your writing contributes humour and insight to the worlds’ of your readers. Thank you!
Oh to both of you, who are my only two remaining regular bloggers!! I cannot tell you what a boost it is when I find a new post from either of you, and I can have a little break in the middle of my work day, to read about the lives of women on the other side of the world, whose lives are so oddly same-same-but-different to mine!
Oh absolutely!! Your writing has felt like a good and empathetic friend for me for over 15 years now!! I read your archives like a novel. The influence on my sense oh humor cannot be understated. I would read literally ANYTHING you wrote ❤️
I think the world is full of all kinds of possibilities of More for you.
But I will also chime in as someone who has a demanding full time job (and also younger kids who need a lot from me) and mention that one thing I am questioning right now is the idea that it is good and right that people should always have to earn their place in the world by meeting some threshold of contribution. My employer has been having budget cuts, and so we all feel ourselves being judged against that threshold constantly, and….I do not think it is good and right. “There is not much for me to do right now” should not come with a feeling of panic that doom is next. And so I also want to suggest that you allow yourself to enjoy not having to be as productive as you used to have to be, if it is in fact enjoyable and you can get your brain there.
Because of a death in the family, I also find myself looking for More and questioning what More can be. I feel like I need someone to take care of. I am thinking of raising a service dog puppy or fostering pets for the animal shelter, but that also comes with looming loss, and I don’t know if I can handle that right now.
I don’t know if fostering dogs or other pets for a shelter will be right for you, but your concern about looming loss is a common one. We have fostered for years and it is so rewarding to see an animal go off to its forever home and then you know you made a difference and can get a new puppy (or older dog, or dog with medical needs, or whatever). Fostering dogs has brought our family a lot of joy and connection, some frustration (housetraining!), and not nearly as much of a sense of loss as you might expect. I highly recommend it.
Or fostering children! I have been a foster parent for about 8 years now and it has been tough— but I think Swistle would be an INCREDIBLE foster parent!
I agree.
You are a wonderful mother, and I don’t think you can know how many of your readers have been taught by you how to be your type of mom.
If you don’t want to foster actual kids, maybe mentoring teens or teen moms or young parents.
Yes!
.. you do write, and your writing buoys many and fosters community, so there is that.
It’s good to want to make a difference in the world, though it’s unhelpful to harshly judge how much of a difference is “enough” and no, I don’t know how to want the one and avoid the other.
There are a lot of volunteer opportunities (including, I recently learned, tutoring people for citizenship exams online). A friend of mine is a CASA for foster kids and it is Rough but also Valuable. Another friend helped with refugee resettlement until she had a baby. Another friend makes hats and scarves for people who need them. Kitten socialization to increase chances of adoption; community garden work; food bank work; Big Sister work; tutoring kids; delivering meals to immigrants; nearly everything comes with a dose of Rage Against The System but most things are still helping and you can pick one if you have the margin for it.
But also with age and injury/illness and mental chaos due to National Events, there is less margin than it looks like there “ought” to be, sometimes, and it is maybe okay to work with what there *is* rather than what you think you ought to have? (we went and protested yesterday; today Spouse is going to a protest but I am not because my body is doing its thing; sometimes we work with what we have, sometimes we stretch what we have?)
With great power comes great responsibility, but also every human being is worthwhile?
I hope you find good peace and good purpose! (which you already may have but not realize it!)
Thanks for sharing this – wow it resonates with me! My kids are a similar age and my husband and I are newly empty nested as of this past August. So many complicated feelings! I really do appreciate that you still write here, I hope that that is always part of the routine!
I once was watching a PBS series in a reality show format. One woman said it best when wrapping up her experience on the show. Paraphrasing, she said that our world has changed and she could be anything. She could be a doctor, a lawyer, an artist, a vendor. She found her options limitless and therefore paralyzing.
So I think of that with your writing above. You have so many new options available to you now than even 4 years ago. This is an exciting time! But the amount of choice can cause one to freeze.
I am excited for you to find your path.
*hugs*
I am without children but also in an era of life where I need to find more.
This is so relatable for a lot of women I think. I am also middle-aged (a bit older than you, I think), with a mostly empty nest, working part-time at a job that could disappear at any time and I’ve known that I should be looking for something else for a while but I am drawing a blank. I can’t figure out what should come next.
If that were all you were, that would be enough. But you are also a fabulous writer who provides comfort, support, entertainment, and a reality check to all of your readers. Absolutely find a new job if that’s what your heart craves or what you need in your life, but please know that you are enough 100% as you are now.
You have been part of my routine for 16 years now and I think you are selling yourself short in your description of yourself , as I feel quite sure that you are also a comforting friend, a caring partner, a steward of your family, and a part of the fabric of your community.
That said there are always mores to be had if you want them, and on the days you don’t you should probably remember the you you are is enough.
I know the state of the US can be paralyzing right now and not everyone is cut out for Big Political Action (and I know you’ve referenced writing your representatives before). However, many historians of Times Like These, keep telling us that networks of community, and tiny actions locally, and mini mini mini actions that elevate the humanity of the vulnerable in our own neighbourhoods all serve as essential resistance and get us prepared for the bigger mass actions which may be ahead. Anyway, I feel like your sensibilities and values might mean that you are now, and can in the future, play a key role in telling the truth, bearing witness to the suffering of others, and humanizing the ‘other.’ I dunno. Any good volunteerism or honest work that makes the fabric of society a tiny bit stronger is of immense importance and certainly gives participants a sense they are supporting something More than themselves and their own interests.
Echoing this and also adding how valuable a skill being able to write is to bring to any community you wanted to support. Newsletters and updates and recaps do so much to create momentum and help people get and stay engaged. I am thinking of your, “If you ever have to do this, here is what to expect” posts and thinking how immensely valuable something like that could be to any number of organizations. I know you have been unenthusiastic about suggestions that you write for money in the past, and have had well thought out reasons for that, but….you are very good at writing and writing is a very valuable skill.
Dear Swistle, I agree with all the other people who have already said it: don’t sell yourself short, you’re such a wonderful human being, your blog posts have brightened so many people’s days including mine and you have a lot to offer to the job market, NGOs or “just” your community. I remember the blog posts about potential new job opportunities and if the library doesn’t work for you any more I could really see you in an administrative role. People with your skill set, especially great organizational and writing skills, are so needed in most office settings. I know phone calls are an issue but in my personal case I got used to making calls in my “professional role” quite quickly, even though I still hate to call anyone in my personal life. I wish you all the best, Swistle. It’s going to work out somehow!
I’m right there with you. I deleted TikTok and all my phone games (kind of sucks, do not recommend) and I bought a word search book and a crossword puzzle book to do while I’m waiting in the school pickup line or whatever. I also went to the library and got some books I read in college or before (The Awakening by Kate Chopin, The Stranger by Albert Camus, Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights, A Wrinkle in Time). Would very much recommend. I know you’re a reader already, but I have been making excuses not to, and it has been very pleasant to get back to it. My library has a reading challenge right now and I told my kids I was crushing them in it, haha.
Also started making a list for resolution bingo!
I was just thinking this morning that once my youngest learns how to drive (high school freshman currently) then one of my major “jobs” of “drive the kids to school, pick up the kids” will be over. The older two are adults and still at home, but don’t really want or need me anymore. Will be strange when the youngest just drives himself places. I don’t even have a job like your library one.
Same, girl. Same.
Swistle. I just cannot tell you how deeply this resonates with me. Like, I feel it twanging inside me. My kid is still in school and in some ways needs me a lot these days (mainly for chauffeuring purposes), but in the in-between spaces I feel aimless.
Well. Here’s to more for all of us who crave it, whatever it means. Thanks for putting it so perfectly into words.
I wonder if part of what you’re looking for is community? I have not had a paying job in 15 years. When the kids were little, I constantly ran in to the same adults (parents, paid caregivers, grandparents) as we moved around the same activities. There was a definite sense of community there. As the kids got older, that stopped happening. (Though, it’s always a pleasant surprise to run in to someone from those little days at big kid activities.) So, I started reaching further for my community. I took on several volunteer jobs about which I feel passionate. I became more active in my quilt guild and took Board positions. I regularly attend events at my library, and I enjoy the informal community among those of us who do so. I joined a book club and then dropped it, because that was not my community.
My legacy will not be professional. I stepped off that path a long time ago. But, a few years ago I had breast cancer and paused to really take stock. My legacy was right there in front of me. My amazing kids, yes, but also my volunteer work where I’ve been a loyal coordinator for years, my fingerprints on the quilt guild, my active role in our church. In the end,my cancer was the best case scenario. But, if it hadn’t been, my absence would have rippled through my communities. No one is going to write a NY Times obituary about me, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t make a difference.
I’ve been thinking a lot about your post. My therapist has often asked me these two questions “can you sit with this feeling for a while?” And “how can you hold this lightly?” Maybe they’re helpful to you, maybe not. Either way, it’s ok! Thanks for continuing to talk about uncomfortable things and making us all feel a bit more normal in the process.
I think you should write a very charming baby names book with cute illustrations and your thoughts. Would buy.