With not quite four days done, and more than three days remaining, I am beginning to lose my joie de vivre. The mother-in-law visit is not horrible. But I am counting days.

Tuesday night I had a bad dream that my mother-in-law was visiting. Then I woke up, and I thought, “Whew.” Then, “OH NO!!!”

She is getting gradually worse with each day, as usual. Yesterday evening, she told two little anecdotes about pregnancy weight–both after looking at me consideringly. One was asking me if I’d heard Barbara Bush’s story about how she gained 60 pounds during pregnancy and unfortunately the baby didn’t weigh sixty pounds. Second: “I know why your cat is so fat! She never lost her pregnancy weight!”

She’s made several negative remarks about Rob’s overbite. Opening sally was “What are you going to do about Robert’s teeth?” in the demanding tone of voice a manager might use with an underling who had committed a grave error and was being asked how she was going to fix it. Another day: “Whoooh! Robert’s TEETH! My GOODNESS!” Later she said to me, “So Robert gets his teeth from you, I guess?” I wasn’t sure what she meant, and I said, “Paul had braces too, right?” She said, “Oh! Yes! But not for anything like THAT! My word!”

She said, “Who drinks HEINEKEN??” the way you might ask, “Who hired this HOOKER??” When I said we kept it for my dad when he was working on the house, she said, “Whoooh! Because I knew PAUL didn’t drink it! Har har!” So I guess she assumed it was mine. As if there’d be anything wrong with that. And since Paul hasn’t lived with her since pre-drinking age, I can’t imagine why she thinks she knows anything at all about it.

She is wearing her coat inside. She keeps saying she should have brought her winter jacket but hadn’t realized she’d need it.

We went to Wa1mart and she said she needed to buy antacid. She said she usually doesn’t need it at home, but when she eats “so late” she has trouble. We’ve had dinner twice at 5:30, once at 5:45.

She asked Henry if he is getting spoiled. She asked him, “Oh, is the WHOLE WORLD not paying attention to you?”–when he fussed lightly after an hour of silence in his bouncy seat. She’s informed him loudly that his socks were falling off. She asked him if his mother was going to change his diaper in the living room in front of everybody.

Last night she was silent when William mentioned he was out of pull-ups (he wears them to bed). Today she told a story of some CRAZY mother she knew whose child still wasn’t fully potty-trained at age four. IF YOU CAN IMAGINE IT.

She was watching me help Rob with his homework. Rob is learning cursive. He and I had to work for awhile on his lowercase B, which he was doing like a lowercase L followed by a lowercase R. Later, my mother-in-law said to me, “Swistle, I heard you telling Rob about his cursive B earlier.” I said, “Mm?” She said, “I see YOUR B looks like an H with a line through it!” Merry laughter. Oh, I see: clearly it was ridiculous, then, for me to correct Rob.

I told William to come outside to get his hair cut (I do his with clippers). My mother-in-law called out immediately, “Robert could use one too.” Oh yes? Should he also get a real job? Also, perhaps she could notice that he does not have 2 years’ hair growth; therefore, we are managing to get his hair cut even when she is not here to tell us he needs one.

She’s been telling the kids what to do, and then criticizing the way they do it. She says to us, “They’re getting pretty GOOFY,” in a hard, disapproving tone. Yesterday at the store she said exasperatedly, “You need a whole grown-up just to take care of Edward!” I’m trying to breathe deeply and remember that this probably will not cover them in emotional scars. She’s an old bat, and it’s good for children to learn of the existence of old bats.

Today I would like to go back in time to Blog Action Day and make two more environmental points. Because who DOESN’T enjoy a second helping of environmental preaching? Get yer butts back in the pews.

I suppose this is the whole idea of B.A.D. (which, incidentally, shouldn’t be acronymed): it gets you thinking about environmental stuff even after the day is over. That insight is GENIUS, Capt. Swistle Obvious!

Anyway. Two things.

Thing the first: The fact that reusable items need to be washed between uses is not a reason to use disposable items instead. I keep hearing people say that cloth diapers are not really an environmentally-friendly option because they require the use of water and detergent and so forth. Well, okay: I admit those issues need to be taken into account, and that people who use cloth diapers shouldn’t prance around talking about how THEIR actions have NO environmental impact, unlike OTHER people who use DISPOSABLES. But on the other hand, the plastic boxes I use for my kids’ school sandwiches have to be washed, too. Does that mean I might as well use plastic baggies instead? My clothes need to be washed. Does that mean I might as well wear disposable clothing and throw it out at the end of each day? My dishes need to be washed. Does that mean it would be better for the environment to use paper plates and plastic utensils and throw them out after each meal? Answer = no. Reusable items require maintenance, and of course they also need to be manufactured at some environmental cost, and eventually they will be in landfills–but the balance still tips in their favor.

Thing the second: Doing one bad thing for the environment does not “cancel out” doing one good thing. If we use solar energy to heat our bath water, and then stand in the shower reading a book as water runs down the drain, it’s tempting to see that as a ridiculous combination of activities. People also mock the combination of a double cheeseburger and a diet soda. Neither combination is in fact ridiculous. Leaving aside the issue of whether someone might prefer diet soda, or whether calories are a good measure of a food’s worth–do we think that if you eat a lot of calories, it ONLY makes sense to eat A LOT MORE? Do we think that if you waste water, it ONLY makes sense to also waste water that came from a more environmentally-harmful source? If I keep accidentally leaving lights on, does that mean I should use incandescents instead of fluorescents? If I do a lot of driving, does that mean I should avoid a hybrid? Answer = no. Mathematically speaking, environmentally bad plus environmentally good is greater than environmentally bad plus environmentally bad.

Hi! Hi hi! I am here! My mother invited my mother-in-law and the three children to spend the morning at her house! This meets the eligibility requirements for sainthood, right? I am dialing the Pope RIGHT NOW.

I wish I had better dirt for you, but so far the visit has been fine. I wouldn’t call it enjoyable, but I haven’t had to keep from lunging for her throat, either. There have been several Remarks, but of the level/quantity that I would feel bitchy relating to others because they’ve been the normal “people who aren’t used to each other” type.

I know: it doesn’t make good copy, does it?

Last night Paul handled dinner, so I haven’t tried any of your AWESOME-looking recipe suggestions yet (thank you so much for those!). He cut up some chicken, put it in a pan with red and green peppers, and added this and that: rice vinegar, corn starch, soy sauce, probably sugar because it was kind of sweetish. He put it over rice and it turned out excellent. I made a very basic salad with lettuce and tomatoes and carrots and shredded cheese, and I set the table with the new dishes, and look at us! Eating around the table on matched dishes like we do EVERY NIGHT. I counseled Rob and William ahead of time. Do we say, “Wow, this is neat eating at the table! Usually we eat in the living room while we watch TV!” NO WE DO NOT.

Oh, hey! Am I too late for Blog Action Day? I hadn’t heard of it until right this moment. It’s an environmental awareness thing, right? It’s not my usual kind of topic (I’m more about rampant consumerism), but oKAY! Paul is playing rummy with the mother-in-law, so I have a few minutes.

Here is what I have noticed about environmental issues and me: If someone asks me to make a huge change or care about huge things, I shut it out. Sometimes I even get angry, or I get completely discouraged about doing anything at all. I think, “My own personal change of heart on this issue is not going to have a measurable effect on the collective actions of multiple nations. Therefore, unless I am going to become an activist–which I am not–there is no point in even paying attention.”

If, however, someone asks me to do something in more of a “Do the best you can, because even a tiny thing makes a big difference” way, I exceed expectations. Ask me to swap “just one” incandescent bulb for a fluorescent one, and I’ll change every bulb in the house.

I might as well come out and tell you that where I’m going with this is that I use handkerchiefs. Cloth handkerchiefs, yes. I blow my nose into pieces of cloth, yes, which I then launder, yes. Listen, I know this is a lot to take in, and I can wait while you adjust to the idea. If you need a little space to re-evaluate our relationship, that’s fine.

I understand. You think it’s gross. “You blow your nose into fabric and then save it in your pocket?,” you’re saying incredulously, if you can talk while gagging. I didn’t grow up using them, so it was a hurdle for me, too. At first it felt like wiping my nose on my sleeve, but it didn’t take long for it to seem completely normal. And that makes sense: paper facial tissues haven’t even been around for 100 years yet, and before that everyone used fabric without feeling weird about it or thinking it was gross. Blowing your nose on a thin piece of paper and then burying it in a hole in the ground–now THAT would have seemed weird and gross.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Doing my part for environmental awareness by writing about blowing my nose.

Handkerchief drawer (oh sure: like I’d IRON and FOLD them!)

Also see: Belated Blog Action Day

Hi, you’ve reached Swistle, at www.swistle.com. I can’t come to the blog right now, because I am busy listening to someone tell me how I could better live my life.

In a week you will be able to reach me at the institution. Whether it will be mental or correctional depends on the limits of my self-restraint.

At the beep, please leave sympathy, empathy, cigarettes for bartering.

BEEP.

I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that I will need to MAKE DINNER while my mother-in-law is here, and that my usual “Hm, scrambled eggs? soup? cereal?” is not going to work. So quick, you cooking types! Fly to my side!

First: easy ways to cook boneless skinless chicken breasts. And since I have a contamination issue, I’m looking for ways that involve minimal handling of raw meat. That is, I am not going to be pounding raw chicken with a mallet, and I’d rather not have to dredge it, either, although I guess I’m willing to as long as I can throw away the container afterward. What I really want to do is put the chicken in a casserole dish, pour something over it to keep it moist, and bake the living bacteria heck out of it. Then I want to serve it with potato/rice and a vegetable. I’m thinking…cream soup? Is that what I need here?

Second: easy ways to flavor rice. I have a rice steamer so it’s really easy to cook rice–but I don’t know what to ADD to it. Do you?

Okay! Shopping! I am SO HIGH on this morning’s shopping successes, I hardly know where to start!

Let’s start with the smell of my house, which is DELICIOUS. Farrell promised me that I would love Glade Plug-Ins, but I hesitated: I think of plug-in air fresheners as smelling basically like public restrooms. But she SWORE her house smelled AWESOME. So today I went to Target just to get a feel for the investment involved, and the scented oil plug-in units (which come with one fill) were on sale for $2.50 (down from $4-something), and so were the refills.

In fact, now that I think of it, I should have bought nothing but units: the choice is $2.50 for a unit-plus-fill or $2.50 for just the fill, so I am a big duh for buying two units and two refills instead of four units for the same price. Well anyway! I have three scents to try: the Lavender & Vanilla that came with the units (oh, that’s why I got refills: the only units left were the L & V ones), one called Clean Linen, and one called Lemon & Chamomile. The lemon one smells like Lemon Pledge. I think if I use the Clean Linen one and the lemon one together, it will trick people into thinking my house MUST be clean.

I came home and plugged in the Lavender & Vanilla one and it was a little too vanilla-y for me, so I put it downstairs near the cat box. I plugged the Clean Linen one into the bathroom outlet, and I LOVE that one: it smells like fabric softener. It’s too early for a full report on long-term satisfaction–but if you want to try it, too, ON SALE AT TARGET GO GO GO. They had a bunch of other scents: tropical, fruity, flowery, vanilla. The packages have a little scratch-and-sniff sticker on the fronts so you can see if it’s yummy or sickening or restroomy.

Shoot, I wanted to tell you about the other things I bought, and to give you an update on the mother-in-law dish situation, but I hear the twins waking up from their naps. I’ve had less time to post recently, too, because I have been CLEANING LIKE A MADWOMAN for the mother-in-law arriving MONDAY. You should see my gorgeous, gorgeous kitchen–and smell my bleachy, bleachy hands.

1) Breakfast of Champions:

2) Say to self repeatedly, “Mother-in-law coming in six days, six days, six days,” until frothy, panic-like consistency is achieved.

3) Take “Before” picture:

4) Toss cat out of closet.

5) Bring large kitchen trash can into bathroom for “sorting.”

6) Put laundry basket outside bathroom for things that need to live elsewhere.

7) Put a towel in the bathtub so I can put things in there without them getting damp.

8) Leave toilet lid up so I remember not to put things on there (we’re a one-toilet household).

9) Take everything out. Clean. Put less-than-everything back in. Throw away, among other things:

• retainer, last worn age 12 (saved out of lasting fear of orthodontist, who was so very adamant about NOT LOSING THE RETAINER)
• box of matches with only 2 matches left (matches added to fuller box)
• two nail-polish-removing canisters, too full of removed nail polish to work anymore
• incense, from when we used to use incense
• bottle of Nair–WHY?
• liquid eyeliner–WHY?
• mascara marked 2005 (I’d read that mascara should be labeled so you’d know if there was a good reason it was so disappointingly clumpy and dry)
• three caps, containers unknown
• sixteen eyeshadows in colors like “urban” (harsh, cynical blue) and “island shimmer” (pale shimmery seafoam green)–WHY OH WHY?

10) Take “After” picture:

11) Change clothes to get rid of bothersome lemony-clean fragrance.

I still need to deal with the shoe-holder full of hair accessories I never use (hanging on left wall of closet), but that’s going to have to wait for a fresh breakfast. And I need to deal with the medicine cabinet and the under-the-sink cabinet–but again, live to fight another day.

I don’t think the photos tell the entire grueling story, but is it interesting enough for ME to try to tell what the photos left out? Like, you see that white box on the top shelf? I put stuff like contraceptives in there–anything I would really rather my mother-in-law not see. I’m 5’9″ and I had to stand on tip-toe to get that box up there, so my 5′ mother-in-law would need a really good excuse. “Needed an aspirin” won’t cut it.

See the bin of bath toys? I dumped them all out and scrubbed the bin.

I got rid of several of the empty tissue boxes I was using for storage, and replaced them with sturdier cardboard or plastic boxes.

I dealt with the stuff you can’t see below the bottom shelf (extra toilet paper, bucket of cleaning supplies, baby bath seat, empty toilet paper rolls, spilled q-tips, cat fur), and the stuff in the little white cupboard (lower right, holding up the bin of bath toys).

I took away the Cat Towel we use to cover our towels, and it’s down in the washing machine.

After emptying the kitchen trash, I took the trash can outside and scrubbed off several layers of OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT? from the outside and inside.

In short: I did a lot of work today, and I am glad, and I feel that much readier for the impending visit. But also: I am in need of a reward such as a second plate of chocolate-chip cookies, and there are no more cookies, nor are there any more chocolate chips in the house. Hm…maybe Oatmeal Scotchies?

Good news for those of you who, like me, have been missing Joyce Slaton’s column Tending Violet column over at BabyCenter: she’s back, writing for their Momformation blog. I am trying not to read the posts too fast, because I want to make them last.

I got my Avon order! I got the Slick Tint for Lips, which I thought was a barely-tinted lip balm but it’s more like a very sheer lipstick. Well, maybe that’s what a barely-tinted lip balm IS. Anyway, I love it. I have to look in the mirror when I put it on (if it were a barely-tinted lip balm, I wouldn’t have to look), but then it sort of ABSORBS into my lips and makes them look like they’re just awesome like that. It isn’t wet like a lip gloss, so I use a plain lip balm over the top. I got it in Glossy Wine, and it was only a dollar, so I’m going to order the other two colors too.

I got one each of all the other lip balms they offer, and they all seem good. They go on sale for 69 cents, but I paid 99 cents each and I’m not sorry. The thing is, I LOVE sales–but of course when SOME stuff is on sale, OTHER stuff isn’t. I was going to order Twig-colored lip plumping lipstick, but by the time I stopped dithering it wasn’t on sale anymore, and so I didn’t order it. When it goes on sale again I’ll order it–but then the other things I want won’t be on sale. (If any of you ordered the Twig, tell me: is it BROWN-brown? or red-brown? or what?)

I got the Soft Musk cologne I used to wear in high school. Man, that brings me back. I don’t think I’ll wear it much, because it isn’t in my current Expensive French Perfumes style, and “musk” is kind of a gross word–but it was fun to sniff it again, and I’ll wear it when I’m feeling nostalgic.

I bought the Advance Techniques Smoothing shampoo and conditioner, and they are perfectly nice. They do as good a job as any smoothing products I try–which is to say that they do NOT make my hair into the flowing river of gloss I hope for, but they do make it easier to comb, and less springy and flyaway.

I bought Nailwear nail enamel in Wink and in Sheer French Pink, but I haven’t used them yet. Ditto for the Nail Experts Instant Gel Cuticle Remover and the Nail Experts Healthy Shine. When I ordered them, I don’t think I was fully comprehending how unlikely it was that I was going to do my nails anytime soon. But when I do, I’ll be READY!

I bought the True Color Eyeshadow Quad in Blushing Raisins and in Fresh Cut Greens. I love the name “Fresh Cut Greens.” (“Blushing Raisins” could use some work.) I’ve tried the second-lightest green and the two darkest raisins so far, and I like them all pretty well. The one from the Greens pack was like a pale green with gold shimmer in it. The ones from the Raisins pack were a barely-noticeable purple with highly-noticeable glitter, and a medium shade that matched my undereye circles. So far, the greens are winning–I don’t think the raisins are right for me, but they’re fun to try. I think I’ll get the more purpley purples next time.

I bought the Hydrofirming cream in both Day and Night versions. They’re creamy and yum, and it’s fun to take a dip from a glass jar instead of a squeeze from a plastic bottle–makes me feel all fancy and rich. They’re almost TOO thick: I can still feel it if I touch my skin later. But when winter comes, that’s exactly what I’ll be looking for for my poor parched hide.

So! A successful first order, the kind that leaves me leafing through the thoughtfully-provided catalog, wondering what I’ll order NEXT time. I do want the Twig lipstick, and I want to try the VitaMoist face cream and the Silicone Glove hand cream. I want to try some of the Anew stuff, because I’ve heard good things about it, and I want to try more of the nail polish and lipstick colors as I get a better idea of how the colors in the catalog (online or paper) correspond to the actual colors.

Did you like your stuff? [Edited to add: If you haven’t ordered but want to, don’t feel like you’ve missed the boat: Lee says she gets the same commission on the online orders no matter when they’re placed, so there’s no deadline as I’d previously thought.]

Hi! And welcome to TMI Weekend! I’d like to remind Paul and my parents that they have agreed promised solemnly sworn sworn a sacred vow promised not to read any posts I haven’t authorized them to read. I do not authorize this one, nor should ANYONE who knows me in person read it. Go back! Seriously! Don’t read it! I mean it! Go away!

In a recent unpleasant talk with Paul about our sex life, I agreed it was a reasonable request that I be more tactful in turning down physical affection. I agreed it was reasonable that I allow hugs and kisses–even gropings–to occur without assuming they were preliminaries to larger moves. I agreed that my natural inclination to swat wildly at invading hands while yelling, “OH MY GOD YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!” could hurt someone’s feelings.

But do you know what the actual outcome of this discussion was? Apparently I created the impression that I was no longer allowed to say no to physical affection. Last night (tonight, really, but now we’re in the a.m. part) Paul gave me the Modified Silent Treatment (short, distant, “mm”-type answers to remarks; lack of eye contact; palpable silence; lying a different way in bed; not falling asleep within seconds as usual) after I willingly allowed hugs, kisses, and gropings during the day–but then wouldn’t Go All The Way that night.

That is SO DUMB. I mean, the reason I had been turning down the preliminaries is that they always lead to the main event, and so I was nipping things in the bud when I knew I wasn’t interested or willing to pretend to be interested. He said he didn’t want things nipped in the bud, so I said fine. And now he’s mad at me for not saying yes to EVERYTHING. Is this or is this not High School Boy behavior? They take it farther and farther and farther until you say no. It’s exhausting, and it’s GUARANTEED to result in a “no” SOMEWHERE, and so then it’s followed by sulking. Oh, did you try to steal third when the base coach was doing that no-no-no thing with his hands? SO SORRY YOU GOT TAGGED OUT. Next time don’t try to steal third against the signal. Idiot.

Mother Nature in her patchy wisdom has caused me to be absolutely asexual while I’m breastfeeding. Sex is nothing but irritating friction to me right now. Since we’re using condoms and spermicide and KY, it’s MESSY irritating friction. Since I’m up in the night with children, it’s messy irritating friction WHEN I’D RATHER BE SLEEPING. And since this is the way these things go, when I’m thinking, “Okay, let’s get this over with,” it goes on FOREVER.

It doesn’t even do anything for me emotionally. Is there anything more ridiculous than someone else’s sexual passion, if you’re not feeling it yourself? It’s like being around drunk people when you’re sober. Worse: when there seems to be some expectation that you will ACT drunk even when you’re sober, or that in fact the drinking was YOUR OWN IDEA because you are SO THIRSTY. Bleah.