Our first Christmas card arrived and is an excellent test of the Christmas Card Scoring System, but I’m worried about quoting from it because OMG WHAT IF THEY GOOGLE THEIR OWN CHRISTMAS LETTER? But that’s not likely, is it? Er…is it? But perhaps someone who reads this blog has received the same letter and would know who it was and would tell them. I’m remembering when Sundry‘s dad found her blog because of searching for the recipe for a drink they had during his visit. Or I might not be remembering the details exactly right (recipe? drink?), but that was the GIST, and I spent some time searching for the post so I could get the details right and I kept getting distracted by the archives and anyway my point is that it’s better to be paranoid safe than caught sorry. But I don’t think I can help it. [Edit: Here’s the Sundry post! Thank you, Robyn!]

Normally we use the C.C.S.S. for reflecting our happiness in receiving cards: scores are not LITERALLY given. But every so often, maybe once or twice a season, we use the C.C.S.S. to demonstrate why a card is so amusingly bad. Perhaps the writer forgets that not everyone wants to hear about her neighbor’s gall bladder. Perhaps the writer forgets that a preachy Christmas letter is either preaching to the choir or else preaching to the people who made an informed decision not to join the choir. Perhaps the writer forgets that a parent’s love for and interest in his or her own children is notoriously out of proportion to other people’s love for and interest in those same children, and that adjectives such as “amazing” and “beautiful” and “incredible” and “brilliant” are best used only with the child’s other parent. Whatever the situation, the card sends its readers into tears of incredulous laughter the vast majority of cards are NOT going to provoke even if they quote a few verses and brag a little about the children.

So. This card. They get +5 for sending a card, and it falls within the reasonable idea of “pretty” and so that’s another +3. It includes a letter, which is +5. The letter is not particularly informative or interesting (their children are wonderful!—no details, just an adjective; they took an autumn walk!), but I think it tries, and I tend to award those points for any effort at all, so they can have +2 (out of a possible +3).

In the beginning of the letter they were going to get -3 for saccharine/cheery, but they crossed the line and got +2 instead for mockability.

The best part really was the “blessed/blessings” count, which was funnier and funnier as I kept finding them: eight in the letter proper, including three in one paragraph alone, and THEN, there was a postscript SOLELY for the purpose of offering another blessing. THEN I looked at the CARD, where they’d written it AGAIN. Ten blessings in all, for a grand total of 9 points lost (because the first usage is allowed as a special holiday lenience).

They also used the word “special” three times, and the word “fellowship” once (one use feels like ten). Those aren’t on the points list but I found they added to the amusing impact of all the blessings.

There were four paragraphs, and each one contained 1-2 Bible verses (including one that explained what a torment earthly life is but happily it goes by fast—how festive!), each one accompanied by a plug for the Bible: “Read the entire chapter. It’s awesome. Of course the entire Bible is amazing.” “If you want to read an exciting book this one is it!!” There was also a reminder that all blessings are theirs because they follow The Lord and because our nation follows The Lord also. So that’s -5 for preaching/piousness.

One mention of a colon-related illness, but no entertainment/informational value so that’s -1.

Let me just put on my math medal for this calculation…..their card gets 2 points. It seems like it should get more points considering how very much I enjoyed it. Perhaps crossing into mockability should be +10 instead of +2.

Oh hi, hi. Fine, fine, and you? The weather, I know! Crazy! …Oh that? The ad I’m casually leaning up against, petting in a way that calls your attention to it? Pff, it’s nothing. Just, you know, MY NAME IN AN AD.

(My name is indeed Kristen. TRUE STORY.)

The ad (this one isn’t clickable—it’s just a picture) is what they’re using for the latest paid review over on the review blog. This one involved softening two pounds of butter. I am going to have to spend my pay on bigger jeans. And more butter.

This paid review, like the last one, involves a drawing for a $100 Visa gift card. If only there was something to spend such a thing on, this time of year. Well, go enter anyway.

I would also like to call your attention to an assortment of Etsy Love posts that include giveaways, in case you are short on gifts [note from the future: posts are gone, so links are deleted]:

1. haworth handmade: choice of embroidered wood ornament or embroidered felt rock

2. Small Grapes: six fat quarters of Erin McMorris fabric

3. Relic: choice of coin bracelet or coin earrings

This is the perfect time of year to buy things for oneself. If anyone asks about the packages and bags, look coy and say, “It’s a SECRET!”

I had a terrible dream last night about Henry, and when I woke up I DID feel relieved it wasn’t true, but I also thought nauseatingly of the dream every time I looked at him so it wasn’t a “wake up and hug the children” situation, more of a lingering bad/sad feeling.

And I also dreamed I found the perfect cat for us, and so now I’m kind of sad that we can’t have that cat.

I’ve been Very! Busy! recently, and it’s making it hard to turn my attention to the children. If they need food or potty help or something practical, it’s easier—but if they need to show me a series of magic tricks, or climb on me, or make jokes, or tell me the plot of a TV show, or talk about a series of topics one sentence at a time spaced one minute apart, I’m clenching my teeth and DYING to get back to what I was doing.

I found a trick that helps: I put one hand on the child’s back or shoulder, or I hold the child’s hand, or pull the child onto my lap, or whatever makes sense for the situation—the gist of it is that I find if I maintain physical contact with the child, it’s easier to maintain mental contact.

It is December! As Marie Green twittered yesterday: “Yesterday’s mail brought our first Christmas card of the year… And now we’re looking down the barrel of a WHOLE MONTH of fun mail!” YES!

Well, and so it is time to review the Christmas Card Scoring System. The C.C.S.S. (also called the H.C.S.S—Holiday Card Scoring System) is for those of us who look forward all year to receiving cards. It reflects how happy we are to receive them—and how our happiness increases when there are bonus thrill items such as photos and newsletters and prettiness. Lower scores are not bad: ANY Christmas card is a thrill to receive, and the higher scores of other cards don’t make lower-scored cards look bad: 5 points is like a grade of A, and anything higher is extra credit.

• Card received: +5
• Card received before December 1st: -1
• Card received after December 25th: -1
• Card is pretty, and looks nice on wall: +3
• Card is glittery: +1
• Card sheds that glitter: -2
• Card is shiny / has metallic accents: +1
• Card does not contain card, but only letter, so there is nothing to put up on wall: -5
• Card is e-card: -5

• Card includes photo or is photo card: +5
• More than one photo: +2 each additional photo
• Photo is non-Christmassy so will look good on fridge all year: +1
• Photo is Christmassy so increases holiday feeling of card: +1
• Red-eye causes family to appear possessed by evil Christmas spirit: -1
• Photo was taken on beach this past summer in summer clothing, so family looks chilly against winter pattern of card: -1
• Photo includes dogs with glowing eyes who seem poised to eat humans: -1

• Card includes letter: +5
• Letter is informative and interesting: +3
• Letter describes child as “amazing” or “already an avid reader and accomplished Suzuki violinist at age 3!”: -3 each
• Letter is so braggy and saccharine-cheery, I wonder why I associate with these people: -3
• Letter is so very braggy and saccharine-cheery, it crosses over into comical and becomes fun to read aloud in an unkind tone of voice: +2
• Letter uses the word “blessed” more than one time: -1 per use (not including first use)
• Letter is a sermon/evangelism disguised as a Christmas letter, and contains pious spiritual hopes for our country, for our country’s leaders, for mankind, and for me personally: -5
• Letter mentions details of gross surgery/illness: -1 or +1, depending on entertainment value
• Letter contains thinly-veiled family gossip: +3
• Letter contains information that should have been told earlier: -2

• Card includes check: +5
• Large check: +10
• Card includes announcement of pregnancy: +10
• Card from Christmas Card Friends contains surprising news of baby born since last card sent: +10

This year my own card gets:

• +5 for existing
• +3 for being pretty
• +5 for containing a photo
• +2 for containing an additional photo (a Thanksgiving shot including my parents)
• +2 for containing an additional photo (a divided photo showing 4 outtakes of the Christmas photo)
• +1 for being a non-Christmassy photo

Some people will get just the first photo, some will get two, and some will get three—so my card will score 14, 16, or 18 points at most, with of course the 3 points for prettiness depending on the recipient.

(card available on Zazzle)

Do you remember my late mother-in-law’s Mysterious Rolls of Film? They are back from the developer!

Roll 1: Only 6 photos on the roll could be developed. They were of flowers and flowering trees in her yard/neighborhood.

Roll 2: Couldn’t be developed.

Roll 3: (a) My sister-in-law’s college graduation, which was in 2000. (b) A visit to us, also in 2000: Rob was about 18 months old, and I was just about to find out I was pregnant with William. Some of the photos were damaged with red and yellow streaks.

So! You know what is difficult? Choosing a winner for the box of gift-closet clutter, from a bunch of answers that were partly right, partly wrong. That is perhaps something I should have taken into account before setting the rules of the contest.

In my opinion, there were eight people who got closer than anyone else, with some mental point-subtracting for incorrect guesses among the correct ones and some mental point-adding for particularly detailed correctness.

1. AlienBea: “Three different film speeds (right?) suggests three different cameras, so these could be years apart. I’ll bet at least one is a holiday gathering with family, maybe one will have baby pictures of one of your children, and maybe one roll will be of the time she went on a yen to take artistic nature photos.”

2. Jess: “I think that they are hiding a hidden part of your mother in law that will be revealed and you will be shocked and astounded.

one roll of artsy farty stuff (tree? bridge? flower?)
one roll of a vacation (black socks and short shorts on the males involved)
one roll of a randon high school graduation (who is that kid that keeps popping up in these pictures?)”

3. Emily: “I’m guessing one holiday gathering, one vacation, and one of your kids.”

4. Fran: “I am going to go with
1. vacation with husband #2
2. pictures of her house and yard
3. the oldest roll will be unable to develop”

5. Kylene:
“1. Random landscape photos.
2. Visits with her grandchildren
3. Some event she went to, like a lecture or a concert or somesuch.”

6. Lawyerish: “I am thinking the majority of the photos will comprise (1) garden/flower shots; (2) her craft/knitting projects; (3) a family gathering (probably the 70th anniversary).”

7. Mama Bub: “I’m going to guess a graduation, along with random shots of the house, newly planted gardening, pets and grandchildren.”

8. SaLy: “I think one roll will be double exposed. One will be photos of her garden/yard. One will be photos of you and your family.”

So then I took eight little scraplets of paper, wrote the numbers 1 through 8 on them, tossed them up into the air and tried to catch one. I caught the number 6, so that’s Lawyerish! I’ll be emailing you, Lawyerish, to get your mailing info!

1. I dreamed last night that I was in labor, walking around the hospital in a johnny and robe. The baby was a boy and we hadn’t named it yet, so I was thinking of names. I liked Frederick.

2. I’m in a sad, grim mood this morning. I’m planning to go to Target. I think I’d feel better if I bought Henry some cute new pajamas.

3. If you have an Etsy shop, you should email me (swistle! at! gmail! dot! com!) so I can go look at it. I’m doing a series of Etsy Love posts over at the review blog [note from the future: links to review blog deleted because review blog itself deleted] before the holidays (WirlyGrrl made me a Swistle painting and SugarChills has a face slime giveaway ending Wednesday), but I also keep a list of Reader Etsy Shops because I write a lot of Etsy-stuff posts over at Milk and Cookies: if I’m writing about, say, neat Etsy stuff for back-to-school, I like to start with my list before exploring the Huge Wide World of Etsy.

4. Do you know, I actually got a little WEEPY over my mother-in-law last night? Not because I miss her or because I’m sorry she died (I continue to feel huge relief, and a happy feeling about how this changes my imagined future), but because I felt sorry for her. I was remembering when she was visiting, and she wanted me to come along while she bought Christmas presents for the kids so I could help with sizes. And it was kind of a nice outing, and she was so pleased at the success of the mission, and she had NO IDEA she wouldn’t be alive at Christmas. I mean, some of this is clearly a case of “It is Margaret you mourn for,” because it’s given me this unpleasant “ANY of us could die at ANY TIME!!” feeling. But part of it is genuine pity for her specifically. She was a very difficult woman but I don’t think she knew it, and she was happy with her life, and early-sixties is a sadly early check-out time.

5. I saw the movie Up this weekend, and that dog Dug makes me want a dog.

6. I’m trying Cover Girl lip stain after reading a good review on Live Well Spend Well. I think I will like it better in summer, when my lips are not so chapped. Also, I found the same thing Kori found: the two colors I tried are super! bright! One of the shades I got is called Flirty Nude, which I thought was an amusing color name (by the time someone is nude, is “flirty” the right term?) and it is not nude AT ALL, it is a bright coral. Right now that doesn’t look good compared to the silvery-plum shades I wear in the fall, but in spring and summer I’m going to try the coral again.

7. Inspired by Aibiffity, Black Sheeped, and Zoot, I’ve been trying the no-shampooing thing. When yesterday my hair seemed like it needed some cleansing, I tried using apple cider vinegar as shampoo. All day, every time I turned my head, I caught a whiff of the refrigerator-pickled cucumber slices my family ate in the summertime when I was little. Today I used actual shampoo, to remove the smell of the apple cider vinegar.

Dear Swoopy Lane-Changer,

Oh hi! It’s me again! Are you noticing how even though I am staying in my lane in my boring old minivan and you are impatiently zig-zooming and nearly causing accidents and making everyone feel tense with your unconcealed impatience and your racy little car, we’re still seeing each other at every single traffic light? I’M sure noticing it.

Love,
Swistle

Dear Pedestrians,

Would you mind taking some responsibility for your own personal safety? I am very good at stopping for you when you are in crosswalks. I am very good at driving slowly and staying well away from you when you are walking in parking lots. Lucky for YOU, I am also good at stopping for you and staying away from you when you are crossing 20 feet down the road from a crosswalk, or walking slowly up the center of the parking lot aisle while talking on the phone, or crossing with a stroller without even glancing up to make sure I see you—but I fantasize about stopping the car and giving you a firm lecture about physics including a little visual with a toy car and a grape.

For God’s Sake,
Swistle

Dear Elderly Gentleman,

Oh, sorry, am I caring for the next generation in the same store where you wanted to shop all by yourself? I’m super sorry that the species not only has to continue after YOU were born but ALSO needs to shop for toilet paper on a weekday morning!

Staying off your lawn,
Swistle

Dear Children,

You want to keep whining? Fine, we are canceling Christmas.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Single Man,

Look around you at this food court. There are tables for 2, 4, or 6 people. You are sitting by yourself at a table for 6, even though there are tons of tables for 2 or for 4 and only four tables for 6, three of which are occupied by families with several children. Use your head, Fred.

Four of us joining you in five minutes if you haven’t left,
Swistle

Dear Food Court Custodial Staff,

I appreciate your work, and I understand that the food court is a neverending stream of mess-making customers and that you need to keep working the whole time to make things run smoothly. Still, I want you to stop sweeping at our feet while we’re eating. It’s icky, and it brings conversation to an awkward halt, and it makes me feel like you’re making a rude point.

Love,
Swistle

Dear Lady With the Cart,

Listen, I totally understand the accidental series of events that ends up with your cart in the middle of the aisle and you looking at something over at the other end of the aisle. I’ve done that myself a time or two, when someone was in the way and I just needed to grab something and then I got distracted by a decision, and then there was I and there was my cart. But hi! I have been standing here really obviously with a passel of LOUD children: you can’t possibly have failed to notice us, but you’re just standing there considering the pretzels. Let me give the script: YOU say, “Oh, ha ha ha, sorry about that, I was off in my own little world!” and I say, “Oh, ha ha ha, don’t worry about it, I do it all the time!” Then you MOVE YOUR CART OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE.

Love and also MOVE IT SISTER,
Swistle

Dear 89 Dollars,

Goodbye, sweethearts. I hope you have a good life in your new home.

Love, Mother

I was in a Poor-Quality Mood this morning, so I drank some coffee and took the three littles with me to Target. Seriously, you cannot fathom how talkative the littles were. They were so perky, and so talkative, and so all-talking-at-once, and so CONSTANT AND ENDLESS, other shoppers kept laughing out loud.

This led to some distracted shopping, apparently, and I have had an opportunity to practice one of the Life Skills I am forever trying to acquire/develop: Not Freaking Out Over Small Unimportant-in-the-Long-Run Things.

I bought what I thought was a new indoor/outdoor thermometer, the kind that has a probe outside and a readout panel inside so you can look at a panel in the kitchen and see what the temperature is outside. But somehow I spent $10 on something that attaches to the outside of a window so it can’t be in any sunny window which is inconvenient, and it only does the outdoor temperature, and it only goes down to 14 degrees, and the battery case is so stupid I BROKE IT trying to open it. This is okay. It was a mistake. It is sad that I didn’t realize the mistake before slicing the packaging open, but it is not necessary to spend any time fretting about it.

Also, I needed to buy a new telephone, because ours makes a EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE sound piercingly and intermittently ever since a child dropped it, but I got all flustered by the options (our old one is a corded wall phone and the ones in the store all looked like space communicators) and I chose a corded one that had caller ID! How convenient! And of course YOU smart people know it only had caller ID if the person who purchases the phone has caller ID, which we don’t. If I’d known this, I could have bought that one that cost $10 less, but I didn’t know this until the phone was fully installed. And this is okay. Ten dollars here and there is not a big deal, even if this is now TWO ten dollar mistakes in one shopping trip.

And then I bought some vitamin D tablets, and I was all, “How come this brand is $4 and this brand is $8? That’s dumb! I’ll get the $4 ones!” How is it that someone who used to work in PHARMACY failed to notice that one was a lower DOSE than the other? Well, that is fine. It is fine that I bought the lower-dose tablets. I can just take two, or three, or whatever, and next time I will remember to buy the right strength, and the earth will continue to go around the sun.

Have I mentioned recently how much I admire those of you who do these “the earth will continue to go around the sun” calculations AUTOMATICALLY, without having to explain it to yourself each time? I do. I do admire you.

On one hand I don’t want to DELUGE you with contests, especially since there’s going to be a steady stream of them on the review blog, and a steady stream of “last day!” reminders, and pretty soon it’s going to seem like all! contests! all! the time!—but on the other hand, meh, free stuff around the holidays, that’s not so bad, and besides, I like to.

I’ve been doing a good job clearing out my gigantic, packed Gift Closet, but it still needs significant work. I can get rid of some toys in one of the toy drives around the holidays, but I don’t think The Little Children want cloth napkins, stationery, cute notepads, dishtowels, mugs, measuring cups, Elvis fridge magnets, etc. This is where you come in, because I need someone to send a box of clutter to (or, if you’re outside the U.S., a flat-rate envelope of clutter to).

And it seemed lame to have a “Win My Gift Closet Clutter!” contest, but as it turns out I had another guessing game to play ANYWAY, so let’s put them together.

Among my late mother-in-law’s possessions, Paul found three rolls of undeveloped film. The rolls don’t match—that is, they’re all Kodak, but they’re different film speeds and different exposures so they probably aren’t three rolls of the same event, they’re probably three separate purchases. We are having them developed; I’m mailing them off today (YES I am too lazy to bring them to Walmart WHAT OF IT).

The pictures could be of her second wedding, which occurred nearly 10 years ago (the second husband died a few years later). They could be of the dog the new couple took in, which has since died. They could be of the cats, past or present. They could be of a child’s graduation, or of a church event, or of holiday celebrations with the second husband’s grown children. They could be of one of her visits to us, or they could even be of the one time we went to visit her as newlyweds. They could be photos of things she meant to sell, or photos of her new car, or photos of her daughter’s new haircut. They could be of her trip to see her parents for their 70th wedding anniversary (I kid you not: 70 YEARS). They could be a bunch of pictures of clouds or sunsets or of the destruction caused to her town one year by a tornado.

The contest, which will be open until I get the email saying they’re available to view online, is this: WHAT IS ON THOSE ROLLS OF FILM?