It was only very, very recently (this school year) that I figured out what to do if I was in a group of people standing around (like, at preschool pick-up), and I was talking with one person in the group, and another person came and stood nearby and seemed to want to join the conversation but seemed tentative about it, like they were afraid they’d be butting in. (Answer: Turn to the new person, say, “We were just talking about [how different the bus system was when we were in school / the big storm expected Friday / the stupid parking situation],” and then start looking back and forth between the two faces while talking.)

When I figured that out, I felt like it was something a lot of people would have already known in an “I just knew; I had no idea it was something anyone needed to be taught” level. But I also didn’t learn until high school that if someone says, “How are you?” you’re supposed to say, “Fine! How are you?” A date taught me, after his dad asked me how I was and I stood there grinning in a friendly but mute way. My date said laughingly, “…You can TELL him!” I was mortified for years, but now look at it as an illustration of how socially comfortable my date was: that he not only didn’t stand there sharing in the awkwardness but also he took swift, friendly, laid-back action to fix it. And I’m sure the date’s dad didn’t care, any more than I would if it were one of my kids’ friends, so I’ve stopped feeling that sink-into-the-floor feeling over it. (It’s nice to know that feeling can fade after…a couple of decades.)

Where was I? Oh, yes. So, there are a lot of social things I encounter where I wonder if this is another of those things where most people know already how to deal with it and I need to find out what it is, or if it’s something most other people struggle with too. Like, I know from reading blogs that MOST people struggle with how to “ask out” a new friend candidate, so I wouldn’t feel strange about struggling with that too. Today’s issue is one I’ve seen mentioned enough to know I’m not one of a tiny minority or anything—but I also think that getting a lot of different responses would be very helpful to show me the range of what society considers normal behavior.

So here it is: If I’m going for coffee for the first time with a new friend candidate, and it’s at the kind of place where a waiter comes to the table, what do we do about the bill? Does one person say “separate checks, please,” or no? Do people share a single check, then glance at the bill after, round up their own share to the nearest dollar, and leave the change on top of the tip? Do people just split it down the middle, even if they ordered different things (surely not, and yet I’ve heard it complained about)? What about leaving the tip: do people discuss how much it should be and each put down half, or does each person just put down their own little stack without consulting the other? If one person puts down a lot more tip than the second person was planning to, doesn’t that make the second person feel pressured?

This is for the FIRST TIME, at a waitered-table restaurant, with someone new, where you don’t yet know how they’d prefer to handle it: how do YOU handle the situation?

I read two books. Now I will say things about them.

(photo from Amazon.com)

Data, A Love Story: How I Gamed Online Dating to Meet My Match, by Amy Webb. My sister-in-law’s sister mentioned this book, and so when I saw it at our library I got it. It’s about a woman who, as you can see from the title, was frustrated with online dating and figured out work-arounds to get what she wanted.

I thought it was a good story and that she had some good practical advice that would be likely to work. But I found her so off-putting I could hardly stand it. I wrote four paragraphs saying why, and then deleted them because if the book showed anything it’s that we all have types we’re drawn to and types we’re repelled by. And also, I felt like a lot of what I didn’t like wasn’t really HER, it was her showing off for her book. Like, if I got to know her when she wasn’t trying to impress us so hard, I might love her.

(photo from Amazon.com)

The Night Circus, by Erin Morgenstern. I read this because I kept hearing so many different reactions to it. I liked it, mostly. I liked fairy tales and magic a lot when I was a child, and it’s fun to find something along that line for grown-ups. I thought the language kept slipping into “Look how beautifully I’m writing/describing! Look how I’m making the magic COME ALIVE for you!,” and also I haaaaaate second-person singular (“You go through a door. You wonder what you’re going to see,” etc.) but I just skimmed those parts. (Most of it was NOT in second-person singular.)

…I feel like I’m not successfully communicating that I really liked it. I did like it.

The term “middle-aged” is a little awkward, because it’s a tactful euphemism for an older group than it seems to describe. If the typical U.S. human life is, say, 78 years long, then age 39 should be solidly middle-aged—but that’s not what we mean by the term. We actually mean something more like “well past the middle, but the term elderly isn’t right yet.”

I think of middle-aged people as being in their 50s or 60s or so—but it’s a stage of life more than an exact age. It’s a stage with no young kids in the house anymore (unless it’s grandkids), but no need yet for walkers, or for those chairs that help a person stand up. When a middle-aged person gets sick, we don’t think, “Uh oh, hope it doesn’t go to the lungs.” We don’t worry much yet about broken hips, but there are plenty of lost bifocals. No one is talking about whether it’s time to take away a driver’s license or “think about a home,” but there is talk about retirement. There are of course myriad exceptions (a guy in his twenties might have bifocals or have bad lungs or need to use a walker; a guy in his 60s could have little kids with his young wife), but middle-aged is a general term, so I’m speaking of the group it describes in a general way too.

I have a new proposal for terms. I was thinking about how middle-aged doesn’t describe the middle stage of life: it’s more like the third out of four (childhood, adult, middle-aged, elderly). Then I noticed another euphemism for age, which is the “senior” in “senior discount” and “senior citizen” and “seniors residence.” And the combination of “four stages” plus “senior” made me think of how we mark high school and college grades: freshman, sophomore, junior, senior.

We’re currently using senior discount to include people over 65 or even 60 or 55, so we’d have to change that. “Senior” would now be used the way we use “elderly”: deep wrinkles, white hair, fear of broken hips, nursing homes, walkers. Then we could use “junior” to cover the category we now call “middle-aged”: bifocals, falling necks, kids are grown, menopause, needlework about having the fun grandchildren first. Early/mid-twenties (depending on personal maturity rates) up to middle-aged would be called sophomores. And children up to their early/mid twenties would be freshmen.

If we’re going to use euphemisms, it’s nice to have them TIDY. And I also like the way this system automatically implies a gaining of knowledge and experience, rather than an increasing fumbling with new technology and change purses.

Do you remember when my mom and dad were on a road trip and wanted to find my mom’s old childhood house, and we all squinted at an old picture trying to figure out what the house number was? Well, there’s an update on that post, because my mom found some old postcards that had the address on it. We still don’t know what the OTHER number on the house is, or why there ARE two numbers—but I see two mailboxes, so maybe it was a multi-family unit, or maybe it was a rental and one box was for the landlord, or maybe one mailbox was for the newspaper and the other number was a word and not a number, or maybe there was a re-numbering of houses and the old number hadn’t been taken down yet, or maybe there was some other system in place that isn’t familiar to us 60 years later, or ANYWAY AT LEAST WE HAVE ONE NUMBER. And seven people in the comments section were right about it!

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Our microwave broke, which completely surprised us because that has never happened before. And just like when the power goes out and I keep thinking the downtime would be a great time to get caught up on email, I keep finding myself bumping up against the no-microwave issue in a way that makes me feel repeatedly derpy.

I’m accustomed to making a pot of coffee, taking a cup, turning the coffee pot off, and then microwaving cups of cold coffee throughout the day or even the next morning. This morning I got out a mug, put milk and cold coffee into it, walked toward the microwave—and then stood there trying to figure out why this idea no working.

Also, I’ve been cooking more new stuff, and with new stuff comes more leftovers, and this week we have an unprecedented number of them. Paul and I had no fewer than FOUR conversations yesterday evening about how he was going to heat up some leftover lasagna to eat when (1) there was no microwave and (2) I was using both oven shelves for the children’s fish-sticks-and-star-tots dinner. We just could NOT figure it out. He was going to have to…WAIT? and then WAIT MORE? instead of just putting it in the microwave for two minutes?

Sometimes when I encounter an issue of household-related brokenness, I ask Paul to look into it and fix it. Other times, either because I’ve asked him and he hasn’t, or else because for some reason I don’t want to ask him, I like to try to take care of it myself. In those situations I find it bolstering to first pretend to myself that I am living in this house as the only adult. In that case, would I call someone to fix it, or would I be able to manage it myself? If the latter, I give it a try. In this way I have recently replaced a toilet seat and….some other thing, I forget what.

Recently one of my bureau drawers was making a scraping sound/sensation every time I opened it or closed it, and also it was feeling increasingly scrapey to open/close. I wasn’t sure what that could be, but I applied the “What if I were on my own?” concept, and I thought I’d be too embarrassed to call someone in without even LOOKING for an issue, so I looked for an issue.

The bureau in question. The middle drawer is the one that’s making a scraping sound.

I took out the scrapey-sounds drawer.

What’s this? I see a screw sticking out in a way it doesn’t seem like it should be.

Oh, you can’t see it? Here’s a closer view. Definitely sticking out.

I can use a screwdriver, no prob.

That’s more like how it seems like it ought to look.

No more scraping sound! I AM VICTORIOUS!

This is fun: there’s an update on an old post! Jessica wrote to us in April 2011 asking how a second child would change things, and recently (okay, almost 2 weeks ago, I SOMETIMES GET A LITTLE PROCRASTINATEY) emailed to say how things turned out! I put the update on the post itself: Reader Question: How Does a Second Child Change Things?

Yesterday I tried twisting both sides and ending in a French fountain. Today I tried one twisted side, with the twist higher, and ending in a messy side-bun—but with the bun high enough that it wouldn’t rest on my neck, because I don’t like that feeling.

Here’s the twisted side, with the twist higher this time

And the messy bun side, bun held from side-above with this dangerous-looking clip

Here’s a back view

I really like half-grown-out haircolor and sun damage for updos: it makes it so much easier to see the details!

I like this style, too. I feel like it’s a liiiiiitle bit college student, but I also think I need to get over that: first, because what I think of as “college-student style” is now likely to be thought of by actual college students as “mom style” (see also: plaid flannel shirt still serving duty), which is completely appropriate; and second, because this IS the kind of style I like to wear (again, see plaid flannel shirt), so even if it IS also the kind girls are currently wearing in college, then SO BE IT. They will just have to share, as will I.

Thank you for all the suggestions on the casual updo topic! I clicked every link, leaning forward in my chair as eagerly as if I were searching a dating site. Also, I am planning a trip to the stylist to get long sideswept bangs, and a trip to Target to get packets of spin pins. I have a bun spiral pin, but I can’t get it to work at all: it just tangles into the bun, without being twistable all the way to the scalp as required to hold the dang thing together.

I noticed in some of the tutorials that the updoer had first blow-dried and/or curled her hair, then styled it and teased it and sprayed it and so forth, THEN put it in the “quick-‘n’-easy” updo. Those seemed perfect for second-day hair for someone who typically spends a lot of time on a style in the morning and doesn’t want to waste all the effort—but what I like about the French twist fountain is that it takes seriously less than a minute from towel-wrapped wet hair to done. I AM willing to add a little time now that the kids are older, but if I spend drying/curling-level amounts of time, I don’t want to end up with a PONYTAIL. Hillary’s “office boho” style (recommended by Alice) looked like the type of thing I was looking for, so I tried that first.

(Aside: I read with GREAT INTEREST a comment on that post from someone who was recommending my SAME French twist fountain, and for the SAME reasons! And lo: it WAS me!)

I first tried the side bun, but realized I didn’t know how to bun it in that position (I think I need the spin pins!). Plus, I generally think I look better with hair HIGHER rather than lower: a medium-high ponytail is better on me than a low one, for example. So I tried a hybrid: I twisted the hair like Hillary did, but I did it on both sides and then tried to bring it into my previous French twist fountain at the end. Here’s my first attempt (no, YOU’RE wearing plaid flannel):

Right side

Left side, kind of, and taking no advantage at all of the available natural light

THERE’S the natural light, finally, just in time to shoot the messy back and the hanging mismatched towels

I’d say it worked pretty well, and that more practice is indicated. I’d like to try twisting so that the endpoint is HIGHER; I accidentally made the whole twist pretty low, and I think higher would work better with the fountain. I’d also like to try it with a high bun.

With the lower endpoint, I’d like to try using a large barrette instead of a claw clip, and then tucking in the ends or making it less effusive in some other way—but I think that might look TOO tucked/dressy for what I like. I’d also like to see if I can bun it, or if an off-center bun nudging my neck would drive me crazy.

And I’d like to try all those things with just one side twisted.

I dreamed last night I was at a big blogging conference, and someone next to me said, indicating a popular blogger, “She’s popular—but no one actually likes her, and I think she thinks she’s proud of that.” I was like, “Come. sit. next. to. me.”—but then I had to rush back to my own seat because I was taking care of two babies for someone else. And, once back to my seat, I fretted that the blogger who’d made the clever and insightful remark would think I meant that I wanted to hear endless snark and mean mocking, when actually all I want is the occasional Highly Insightful well-placed remark TINGED with snark/mocking, and I spent the rest of the dream mentally composing ways to indicate that. So…basically exactly how I think a blogging conference would go for me.

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Yesterday I gave a ride home to a 16-year-old girl. She very kindly explained blogs and feed readers to me, using the kind of language I would use if talking to someone quite elderly who didn’t even have a computer. I kept trying to interject little comments that indicated that I was up to speed on that, but it was not working. So instead I asked her to explain Tumblr to me, because that’s an area where I really could use a little education. It sounds like it’s like blogs, except instead of writing posts, you mostly post what other people have written. She says it started as a way to share other people’s writing while still making that writing traceable all the way back to the person who wrote it, and also it’s a way to read a selection of posts by various writers but on the same topic. So Tumblr is basically Pinterest for blogging. I get it now.

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I would like to grow my hair long, but I would like to wear it up not down. In another time period, this would not have been weird, and I would have had about 50 new style choices every season, plus perhaps a young girl from a local farm to put it up for me before she got on with the household chores. In this time period, most of the updos are:

1) fancy-event fancy

2) better suited to someone in college (“Just twist here and braid there and put a feather here and some insouciance there for that ‘I’m effortlessly and carelessly beautiful’ look!”)

3) so old-fashioned looking, I’d increase the “she probably belongs to a peculiar religious sect” look I’ve already got going on with the long hair and the glasses and all those children

4) too difficult and frustrating, so that I can’t even figure out how to PRACTICE doing it

5) too Pinteresty (see #2 and #4, and also see “I am not going to blow-dry, tease, and style my hair BEFORE putting into ‘an easy updo'”)
 

My favorite way to wear it is to put it in a fountainy French twist: twist it from the bottom up, then put a clip right at the top and let the ends splay out cheerfully. I think it looks casual but still pretty. But my hair is now too long for that: there is no fountain, there is more like a long flop of hair. Normally at this point I would switch to a bun—but the last time I was in that hair stage, I caught sight of myself unexpectedly in a store mirror and realized it was looking more matronly than ballerina on me.

This morning what I did was loosely French braid it starting on one side, down and around like I was going to make a ring around my head; and when I would have had to switch hands to keep going, I instead ended it in the usual French twist. The braid used up some of the extra hair, so that was good—but the resulting style is college on one side and sect on the other.

I think it might help to add some hair in front. In those period movies, the women always have all these bunches of curls right in the bangs area; the modern equivalent would probably be one long-bangs piece that keeps getting into my eyes and is allllmost long enough to tuck behind one ear.

I went to that appetizer get-together, and it was great. I get very scared about having coffee with one person, because it’s like playing a one-on-one sport: it is ALL UP TO ME. But a group thing is like a team thing: if I need to sit on the bench for a minute, the game goes on. (Look: a sports analogy from someone who doesn’t play sports!)

I found that for the first hour I was having a wonderful time and had lots of things to say. Then it got so loud I felt like I couldn’t get a word in anymore, but I discovered the secret to what to do in these situations: I put on an alert, interested expression, and I laughed and made reaction noises in response to other people’s stories. That is a crucial role at a party TOO. And leads to far less lying in bed afterward cataloging all the stupid things I’ve said.

Also, I noticed from someone else’s negative example that there is an ENORMOUS difference between doing that and standing there looking at the floor thinking “I guess no one wants to talk to me”/”I guess I’m just no good at parties”/”I guess I don’t belong here.” In the latter, the person is (1) bringing the party down and (2) being an enormous self-centered self-pitying non-contributing baby; in the former, the person is (1) still completely engaged in the party, just doing a listening role rather than a talking role at that moment. I just read a Maeve Binchy quote where she said there’s an old rule that for a successful party you should invite four talkers and four listeners; this party had some bonus talkers, so listeners were much in demand. Plus, it’s pretty easy to fake Sparkly Listening even if you’re feeling scared or awkward or introverted; it’s much harder to fake Sparkly Talking. (Look: party advice from someone who doesn’t go to parties!)

I brought DefinitelyRA’s chocolate-chip cheese ball [Edit: oops, link now broken; recipe below], and it was the perfect choice: everyone else brought savory, and at first no one wanted sweet. But when we were done eating chicken-cheese dip and red-pepper-cheese dip and 7-layer-taco dip, everyone was in the mood for sweet. And it wasn’t TOO sweet, either, so we didn’t feel gross eating too much of it.

Chocolate-Chip Cheese Ball

8 oz cream cheese, softened
4 oz (1 stick) butter, softened
1/4 t. vanilla extract
3/4 c. powdered sugar
2 T. brown sugar
mini chocolate chips, about 1.25-1.5 cups
graham crackers, pretzels, Nilla wafers, Scooby-Doo graham cracker sticks, other dippers

Beat cream cheese, butter, and vanilla until fluffy. Gradually add sugars; beat just until combined. Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours. Place mixture on a large piece of plastic wrap and shape into a ball, using the wrap to mold it. Turn out ball onto serving plate and press handfuls of chocolate chips against it to cover. Refrigerate at least one hour. Serve with more chocolate chips in a moat around it, plus the dippers.

Here is the after photo, because I forgot to take a before:

It’s, like, 5/6ths eaten.

I made one change: instead of just coating the ball in chocolate chips, I also shook out a large quantity into a moat around the cheese ball [I added this to the recipe above when I added the recipe, in case you are wondering why I called this a change]. The worst thing about foods from the Coated Ball category (this is starting to sound gross) is that the delicious coating gets chipped away and then it’s just the plain innards. With chocolate chips also surrounding it, we could take a dip from the plain center and then touch it to the pool of chocolate chips.

Also, do you love the paper plate? I bought a pack of those at Home Goods about a year ago, 8 for $1.99, and at the time I was thinking they’d be exactly right for something, and they WERE. But I could have used a real plate, because most people took their leftovers home with them.

Also, I want to HIGHLY RECOMMEND wiggling your way into a social circle that includes parents of children in your child’s grade. Not only did I meet the mother of the girl I think Rob has a crush on (me to her: “Oh my god, I’ve seen your daughter’s name on a whiteboard in our house!!”), I also found out from another mother which girl HER daughter says Rob has a crush on. I felt like I suddenly had SECRET ACCESS.

Also-also-also, I hope people will keep putting appetizers on the appetizer-recipe-collecting post, because the plan is to keep doing these appetizer parties, so I will need to keep going back to that comments section again and again.