Let’s say your child has a new friend, and your child has told you that this friend’s name is Cameron and that Cameron uses they/them pronouns. Then let’s say that Cameron’s mother drops Cameron off at your house and says to you, “Oh, so Chloe is getting picked up by her dad at 4:00—but if that falls through, I can come get her, but not until 6:00, is that okay?”
Here was the response I wanted to communicate to the mother: That’s fine; or, and probably this is what you’re asking: yes, we can absolutely give the child a ride home.
Here’s what I could not figure out in the surprise and confusion of the moment: How to say that in a way that was correct AND safe, when I didn’t know what the situation was and had just discovered it wasn’t what I’d thought it was. Was Cameron not out to their parents? Was Cameron out to their parents, but the parents weren’t cooperating? Was there some other arrangement, like that Cameron told their parents this was still in the experimental stage and not yet locked-down, and that they (the parents) should continue using Chloe/she/her for now? (Paul wondered if maybe Cameron might be out to their parents AND Cameron’s parents might be respectful of that, but that Cameron’s mom might not know if Cameron is out to US. But…in that situation, Cameron’s mother could easily ASK Cameron ahead of time in the car; and if she’d realized on the spot that she’d forgotten to do that, she would be more careful / less blatant, so I don’t think of that as a real possible scenario.)
In the moment, what I did was I said “Oh, sure, that’s fine, or we can absolutely give her a ride home.” Then Cameron’s mom said “Bye, Chloe!!” and Cameron said “Bye, Mom,” and I closed the door and called out “Henry! Cameron is here!” Partial marks; please see teacher after class.
I am not practiced with this; I am working on improving. Most of my work involves thinking AFTERWARD of what I SHOULD HAVE said in a situation where it turned out I was ill-prepared, and then rehearsing it again and again in my mind so it’ll be readily available to my mouth next time. In this case, what I should have said to Cameron’s mom was something more like “Oh, sure—and WE can give a ride home if needed.” No need to use any pronoun for Cameron, let alone the wrong one. This is the early stages of the process, so I’m hoping I come up with something better to practice, but at least I have SOMETHING. (And then next time it’ll be something ELSE, and I’ll add THAT new modification to my repertoire, and perhaps by the time I die I will be getting some of these right the first time!)
















