Let’s say your child has a new friend, and your child has told you that this friend’s name is Cameron and that Cameron uses they/them pronouns. Then let’s say that Cameron’s mother drops Cameron off at your house and says to you, “Oh, so Chloe is getting picked up by her dad at 4:00—but if that falls through, I can come get her, but not until 6:00, is that okay?”
Here was the response I wanted to communicate to the mother: That’s fine; or, and probably this is what you’re asking: yes, we can absolutely give the child a ride home.
Here’s what I could not figure out in the surprise and confusion of the moment: How to say that in a way that was correct AND safe, when I didn’t know what the situation was and had just discovered it wasn’t what I’d thought it was. Was Cameron not out to their parents? Was Cameron out to their parents, but the parents weren’t cooperating? Was there some other arrangement, like that Cameron told their parents this was still in the experimental stage and not yet locked-down, and that they (the parents) should continue using Chloe/she/her for now? (Paul wondered if maybe Cameron might be out to their parents AND Cameron’s parents might be respectful of that, but that Cameron’s mom might not know if Cameron is out to US. But…in that situation, Cameron’s mother could easily ASK Cameron ahead of time in the car; and if she’d realized on the spot that she’d forgotten to do that, she would be more careful / less blatant, so I don’t think of that as a real possible scenario.)
In the moment, what I did was I said “Oh, sure, that’s fine, or we can absolutely give her a ride home.” Then Cameron’s mom said “Bye, Chloe!!” and Cameron said “Bye, Mom,” and I closed the door and called out “Henry! Cameron is here!” Partial marks; please see teacher after class.
I am not practiced with this; I am working on improving. Most of my work involves thinking AFTERWARD of what I SHOULD HAVE said in a situation where it turned out I was ill-prepared, and then rehearsing it again and again in my mind so it’ll be readily available to my mouth next time. In this case, what I should have said to Cameron’s mom was something more like “Oh, sure—and WE can give a ride home if needed.” No need to use any pronoun for Cameron, let alone the wrong one. This is the early stages of the process, so I’m hoping I come up with something better to practice, but at least I have SOMETHING. (And then next time it’ll be something ELSE, and I’ll add THAT new modification to my repertoire, and perhaps by the time I die I will be getting some of these right the first time!)
First, thank you. You’re a good ally!
It’s hard! I have a niece who is transgender and a nibling who is non-binary. I forget from time to time and call them “he/him” and “she/her” because I have known these people from birth.
I have this exact same scenario, Susan! Plus lots of my kids’ friends who I have known for 15 years, they have changed their pronouns/ gender and mostly I don’t forget, but sometimes I have slipped up.
I would ask Henry if he knows, and if he’s not sure, if he could ask Cameron. I’m sure they won’t mind your efforts to get a clear picture and act/speak in the way that feels best for them!
I have quite a bit of experience in this, and I think your response was just fine. Because maybe Cameron isn’t out, and then while saying “Cameron is here” shows that you are supportive to their choices, without making it awkward for their mother. There are so many scenarios that could be the case – as you have mentioned. I think being a good ally means not only using the chosen pronouns, but also making life easier for the child – if the parent is still saying Chloe, then it’s easier for them if you don’t make a big deal of it. You get more than partial marks, I think!
In my language, we have two forms of “you”, like in French. It’s permanently awkward to talk to acquaintances when you are shy and not sure which one to choose. I promise you, in these situations one develops a special neutral way of speaking quite fast 🙂
My cousin, at age 22, asked to be referred to by they/them pronouns. It’s been two years but my aunt and uncle accidentally use she/her pronouns quite often. They are 100% supportive, and are trying really hard, but I think it’s hard when you’re used to referring to someone as she/her for two decades. Then again, my cousin did not change their name.
I have transgender kids in my life and where I struggle is past tense. I don’t have issues calling Jason the right pronouns but we were talking about when the kids were little and I struggled not to call him Jenny when recounting the story. Because at the time he was Jenny.
I’d ask your kid for more details.
I’ve had this type of experience as well. I try very hard to get it right, but sometimes I fail. Partial credit. I like that. ☺️
My bff and I were pregnant with our first kids (girls) at the same time. I have three girls. Her second child was a girl. Her first came out with they/them pronouns and a different name. I have done great with the name, but sometimes if they are all playing and I want to call them down for a meal, I forget and yell “Girls! Lunch!” (I also do this when the neighbor kids – a boy and girl- come over). I am trying so hard. My Bff’s oldest has said it’s ok, but I feel bad. My husband says using the correct name and the occasional slip up in pronouns is ok and to keep trying. That’s all I can do, keep trying. It is REALLY hard when you knew someone from birth in a different way.
It sounds to me like you did just fine, especially in the moment, and especially considering all the possibilities that had only that fraction of a second to flash through your brain. And your “Henry, Cameron is here” after the door was closed seems perfect and reassuring to the child without putting anyone in an uncomfortable/dangerous spot.
Like you, it always seems like I do the work AFTER the fact. And then, once I’ve figured out exactly what I SHOULD have said, and feel confident and eager to put my solution to the test, that exact situation never arises again, giving way instead to new situations in which I blunder in new ways. Sigh.
BUT, the improvement, I hope, is happening nonetheless!
This happens to me all the time because my kid’s friends are all over the gender spectrum and as a group they change their names and genders frequently (one kid went through five names in two years, each time with a pronoun change) and often the parents don’t know or in one case know but don’t co-operate. I think you did fine.
I’d ask Henry. He probably knows what’s up. That could help you decide how to proceed.
Haven’t read other comments, but imo your response was very good. You showed Cameron that you can be trusted not to out them to their parents, but that you respect them enough to use their correct name and pronouns in private. No notes.
If you want to know more about how to speak to their parents, you could ask Cameron your your child. It’s not out of line to say “hey, I noticed your mom used a different name for you. Would you like me to use that name when I speak with her?”
*or your child, not your your. Whoops!
Exactly this. I’d ask Cameron about name and pronouns I should use with the parents or failing that, Henry as a proxy.
There’s a bunch of scenarios in which doing what you did is exactly what was needed to keep a kid safe! As the parent of a non-binary first grader and a trans young adult who joined our family because her birth family was unsafe, I think you did a good job here keeping a kid safe!
I have several students who have asked that I don’t “out” them to their families, so it’s their preferred name and pronouns in class and in conversation, but dead name and pronouns in communications home and on official documents. It’s a very delicate balance. If that’s the case with Cameron, you handled it perfectly. The kid just needs to know you and your family are a safe space to be their true self. You accomplished that. Well done.
We have this exact situation and I get through it by being as vague as possible in front of parents/school and being correct in front of the kid. The only difference is that I am sure that the kid is not out to parents (and has been forbidden to change their style of dress and hair) and that the parents are awful, instead of being not sure about the situation like you are. It does make for an interesting few minutes of small talk by the front door as I struggle to be casual while never ever using any pronoun or name at all while jerk dad stands there being jerk dad. And then the front door closes behind them and Elizabeth and I both give the middle finger to jerk dad as he walks away.
My son’s boyfriend Danny uses he/him pronouns. When his Dad drops him off, he always says I’ll pick her/Sophia up at X o’clock. The 1st time that happened, my husband said okay and closed the door. Then he addressed Danny and said, we know you use he/him pronouns and we will always use those at our house. You are free to be who you truly are here and we respect that. Danny and our son were smiling ear to ear and Danny thanked him.
I love this.
Not partial credit. 100% credit. I mean, if you had thought of a non-weird gender neutral way to do it in the moment, great, but if not, follow the parent’s lead until they leave the space. It’s the only guaranteed safe option. I’m a teacher, and we have discussed this with our rainbow youth. Sadly you never know what home looks like behind closed doors. Then later, you can ask Henry, or if you feel comfortable, ask Cameron what name/pronoun to use with their parents. You did awesome.
I think you did the exact right thing in the situation? You didn’t have anything close to the full picture, clearly – so better to just go along with it in the moment and then ask Elizabeth when you get her alone for a bit of clarification than put your foot in it, and possibly either out Cameron to their parents or cause unwonted friction.
Oops sorry, ask Henry I mean!
I agree with what everyone else here said.
I was trying to think of a clear phrasing that didn’t use pronouns at all and also didn’t sound weird, but couldn’t come up with anything better than your example: we can do the drop-off, we can handle the return home. But I think because the context is so clear, you can say something vague and it probably wouldn’t even register
You did great in the moment! My son is trans and has a number of trans friends. When I’m talking to the parents, I echo the parents, and then I ask the kid separately what name/pronouns to use and what would they like me to use with their parents. All of my son’s friends know we are accepting parents anyway, but that reinforces to the kid that I’m not going to out them.
I would also assume that if the parents are using the old name, they are NOT accepting — in my experience, the scenario Paul described is pretty unlikely. When my son came out, I was pretty firm to people who knew us that “Oh, he goes by NewName and he/him now”. For new acquaintances, I never explained or gave a rat’s ass what they thought. I don’t tell a long story, just put it out there along with the eyebrow lift that says “go on, I dare you to do anything other than be polite”. They are free to be rude to me, or not to invite my child over again, but they are not allowed to treat my child poorly behind my back by misgendering him.
I think you handled it well! As for Cameron’s mom using ‘Chloe’, I can offer my own recent experience as a possibility: My oldest (in their 30s) came out as nonbinary a few months ago, using they/them/all as pronouns and changing their name from Eric to Eris. I asked them what “all” meant as a pronoun and they said they basically answer to any pronoun (which makes me feel better when I forget and say ‘he/him’).
I forget ALL the time about the name change. I visited with them in December and apologized profusely for this, and they were totally gracious, understanding, and not at all upset about it. They understand it takes a while to change a habit of over 30 years. So maybe their mom is still getting used to the name change? :)
“Sure, If Cameron needs a ride, we can make that happen”. I’d just dance around it until such time as the parent goes there. Of course Cameron or your kid could let on more. I’d wait for more revelation rather than dig for it.
Thank you for this post and the opportunity to read it and all the other comments about similar experiences. We are in Southern California and my 13yo daughter also has friends all over the gender identity spectrum. I do wonder at times how this compares to teen populations in other parts of the country. I had a very similar situation recently but I happen to know this kiddo’s parents are still on the journey to accepting his identity and call him by his name given at birth. It felt awkward in the moment but I tried to honor both parties as you did (accept parent’s use of given name without comment, address the child by his chosen name/pronouns). There is so much that we are learning on the fly and I believe that if we are doing our best then we can give ourselves full marks. My 40yo sister is trans and I also struggle with talking about the past….regardless of her gender identity now, my experience was growing up with a younger brother and it feels untrue to recount otherwise. She’s been out for a couple years but I feel like I could use a therapist’s help to work through some of my feelings around it. Good job as always, Swistle.
I’m the faculty advisor for the LGBTQ+ Group at the high school where I work and I run into variations on this theme frequently. I like to remind myself and others that using the singular “they/them” isn’t too uncommon in conversation and I always default to they/them in situations where I don’t have enough information to use any other pronouns. Example: my kid asks me if they can borrow a pencil from the librarian. My response is, “I don’t know, you should go ask them”. When talking to Cameron’s parent, something like “they’re always welcome here” is a statement that could be applied to anyone and wouldn’t sound odd. I always like to remind people that intent to help is more than half the battle. You demonstrated that you care about the situation, are interested in learning more, and want your kid’s friends to feel welcome and celebrated and seen and that’s really wonderful.
I think you did really well. You certainly don’t want to accidentally out a kid to their parents! And you managed to let Cameron know that you’re aware of the situation. If you’re up for talking to them and letting them know that they can rely on you for support – they would probably really appreciate it. Being seen and accepted for who you actually are is so incredibly powerful, and having trusted adults around when your parents aren’t necessarily as supportive as you need…that can really make a difference.
I love that you wrestle with this in a way that defaults to accepting the kid as they see themself. Just a few observations of the teens in my life and their families. Names/pronouns sometimes evolve over time for some kids. My teen and her friends have shifting pronouns that are sometimes hard to keep up with. (Seriously, with one kid, I flip through about three iterations of a first name in my head before I land on the most current one to say out loud.) I default to ‘they/them’ for that reason. Parents are often lagging a bit behind in their terminology/usage either because the teen hasn’t made an official change with their family (but they have with friends), or it takes some mental gymnastics to get used to a new name, or the parents are not accepting, or the parents are worried about acceptance from their community (and keep using the former names in mixed company.)
For what it’s worth, my sister legally changed her first name to something that she liked better over 20 years ago, but has said that she’s fine with family using either her new or her previous name. The result has been some of us flipping back and forth between the two, even from one moment to the next, some just using her new name, and some just using her old name. And I don’t think anyone is wrong, since my sister has explicitly stated that she’s fine with either when interacting with family members and doesn’t seem at all bothered during interactions with different names. But my stepmother corrects us all and says my sister’s new name every time we use her old name. She’s probably more in the right than the rest of us.
My 13 year old and their friend group are constantly shifting pronouns, gender identity, and names, so we’ve run into this before. I think you did fine. My child has fortunately been very helpful with specifically letting me know what names and pronouns need to be used with different parents (some are unfortunately not supportive). We always use preferred names and pronouns in our house, as much as we know them! Like other commenters have said, they change very frequently (my child’s closest friend has had 5 names in the last year).
My child has also changed their name and shifted through many different pronouns in a pretty short time and even as a supportive person, it’s REALLY HARD! It’s hard to change what you call and how you refer to your child, it’s hard when nothing’s consistent and just keeps changing, it’s hard when the child isn’t out to everyone so you’re constantly flip-flopping between names and pronouns.
I told my child about a coworker I had once who was introduced to everyone by her first name, and we called her that for at least 6 months until it came up that she usually went by a nickname of her middle name. I don’t know why she didn’t correct everyone when she first started, but once we knew we starting using her preferred name. Even that was amazingly hard though, and that was just a coworker I’d know less than a year. My child knows I’m doing the best I can right now.
I think Paul’s on to something. Before my kid was out to everyone I kept the status quo because nothing like a trans kid to quickly teach you who’s your friend and who’s never gonna talk to you or your kid again. I had no way of knowing who knew unless I thought to ask first. Funny story, close friend of mine knew (was actually one of the first to know and be super supportive), but neither of us knew the other knew so we were using deadname/wrong pronouns until I finally asked her if she knew and she broke down laughing and said oh thank GOD yes we know. Felt pretty silly after that and once I had at least one other parent who had my back, I didn’t care who the hell heard me say he/him.. take it or leave it. Being a newbie to trans parenthood is hard.