We have a pear tree in our yard (*pause for partridge jokes*), and I don’t know what kind of pears those are but they’re SO YUMMY. But we also have an apple tree, and the apple tree has gotten unpruned enough (*pause for prune jokes*) that it’s shouldering out the pear tree, and this year the pear tree has produced eight pears (usual is several dozen), way up high where I can’t reach them but neither can the apple tree so I guess I can see the pear tree’s point.

The pears are ripening, and I’ve lost two because they fell and birds/bugs/rot got them. So today I had the GENIUS IDEA to lightly SHAKE the tree, and then any ripe pears would fall down to me and I could get to them before anything else did. I shook the tree; a pear fell down; I AM A PEAR-HARVESTING GENIUS. I shook the tree again, and a pear beaned me (*pause for bean/fruit jokes*) right in the upturned eyebrow. It hit so hard, everything went black for a few seconds. (Or maybe I just closed my eyes when a pear hit half an inch away from them, whatever.) Now my eyebrow is puffy and sore…and sticky. Stop laughing—that pear was REALLY HIGH UP.

My sandals, let me show them to you:

I got these from Lands’ End on a pre-summer sale for $29, and I’ve been wearing them all! summer! long! I love how shoe-like they are (my previous sandals had soles that were thin pieces of nothing), and how they don’t smell bad, and how they don’t make embarrassing suctiony sounds against my flat, flat feet when I walk. I love that the footbed is neither slippery-plasticky-smooth nor suedey-hard-to-clean. I don’t love the velcro, which is of course starting to curl, but I still love the sandals.

So when some of the colors went on clearance for $14.99 I should have told you immediately, but I hadn’t decided yet which ones to buy or how many, and I was worried that you would pounce on them and buy them out from under me, because I am a Sharing Person but not so much a Sacrificing Person. But now I have decided and ordered, and now I am ready to share. I’d bought the pink ones originally, and the green clearance ones (my second choice) weren’t available in my size. I bought the Coral Orange and the Gull Gray.

I would not call the orange ones “Coral Orange.” I would call them “Tide Bottle Orange” or “Target Clearance Sticker Orange.”

They are in fact oranger than I would like, but the pink ones dulled down from a summer of sand and sun and water, so I imagine the orange ones will too.

I super-love the Gull Grey ones: they should be called Gull Grey & Pretty Yellow, because the two colors both contribute strongly to the overall color of the sandal.

If you buy the Brown, which look like they should be called Brown & Target Clearance Sticker Orange, be sure to let me know what you think of them—I NEARLY bought them too but had to draw the line SOMEWHERE.

My dudes. I did so much MESSING AROUND with clutter and dirt today, I didn’t even stop every few minutes to Twitter what I’d done, it was THAT MUCH messing around! But it’s too bad I didn’t Twitter it, because when I post on Twitter I can go back and remind myself what I did.

Big project of the day was cleaning the floor of our closet. …I think I did mention before that my cleaning is not always RATIONAL, and that oftentimes I go with it anyway? Yes. So I hauled out about six brand-new sets of king-sized sheets bought at 75% off; maybe ten pairs of shoes including “tags still on” and “Why aren’t these long since thrown out?” and “Whose ARE these?”; a box of maternity clothes; several shirts that had fallen off hangers without us noticing; scraps and coins that had slid under the door and gotten shoved under everything else; empty Target bags; a wadded-up down comforter we only use in winter; a pint of dust and lint and cat fur and sand.

I gathered up one bag of shoes to donate and put one set of sheets in the donation pile too. I put the comforter back into the zippered vented bag it was sold to us in (which I also found crammed in the closet). I filled another bag with shoes too worn out to donate, plus the sand/fur/etc. And I used the dustbuster.

Then I put things back in: sheets in a stack, comforter next to them. Three shoe boxes, each holding a pair of shoes I’m keeping but don’t need in regular rotation: winter dressy, summer dressy, and shoes that go with a particular skirt I wear to baby showers and tea shops.

I threw away a pair of bee slippers (bee-shaped, not bee-intended) I like to wear to the maternity ward because I can slip them on/off easily and they’re cute. I dug them back out of the trash, because I could be in non-maternity parts of the hospital sometime.

I put the box of maternity clothes in the basement. I should donate them but I want to keep them a little longer.

In general, though, I’m trying NOT to get caught in little eddies of clutter that no guest should ever have the opportunity to notice anyway (if my mother-in-law goes into our bedroom closet, we have deeper problems than previously realized). But I did get rid of a vintage suitcase (matching ROUND carry-on) I never use because it’s hella heavy and smells bad. And when I went to put away something on the Gift Shelf, I pitched out two toys I bought long enough ago to be pretty sure I’ll never give away.

Here is something I’ve noticed: there are many times during the day when I am standing around gazing into space, and I can use those times to play “Is There Anything Here I Can Get Rid Of?” So, for example, while I’m brushing my teeth I would normally be staring at myself in the mirror and wondering if I have tongue cancer, but instead I open the cabinet and see if my eye alights upon anything I can toss. I got rid of a lipstick, an expired bottle of cold medicine that didn’t work anyway, a barrette I don’t like, a tube of eye cream I never use, and so on.

And while I’m giving the cookies another minute in the oven, I would normally be staring at the countertops and wondering what the CRAP is that weird yellow stuff and why am I the ONLY ONE who EVER cleans countertops, but instead I open a cabinet or look around at the counters. I got rid of a mug, some baby spoons, lids that came with some baby bowls but I never use the lids anymore, a box of cereal nobody likes, a box of tea bags I never use, and so on. Not all at once, but like the mug went one time and the lids went another time.

I find this is putting me in the nice beginnings of a clutter-noticing habit. Mustn’t get one’s hopes up when one has a lifelong reputation for cleaning binges rather than consistency, but I AM finding that things are gradually disappearing and that it’s adding up to pleasing changes—whereas usually I’d think, “What’s the point in getting rid of ONE MUG? Besides, we have room for it.”

Now for those of you not following on Twitter, here are the other things I’ve gotten rid of:

• broken postage scale
• hand-knit baby blankets
• baby hats and baby coats
• baby bath seat
• half-used workbooks with all the fun parts done
• Easter door hanging
• gross instant flavored coffee
• expired Jell-o in non-favored flavors
• bits of trash (bread ties, foam craft shapes) on top of microwave
• little decorative nest with 5 eggs in it; I’d thought it would be sentimental but it was hard to display and impossible to dust
• fridge magnet paper doll that was insufficiently magnetic and so was always stripping her flat little clothes right where they’d get kicked under the fridge
• Tide with Febreeze (used up, not tossed)

And here is my current mantra: “You can’t clean clutter! You can’t clean clutter!” It helps me to continue through the layers in the hopes of someday seeing the wipeable flat areas underneath.

The basement bathroom is ready to paint. I’ve talked before about my love of cream-colored paint, and so my original plan was to paint the bathroom Sea Salt like the dining room. Then I remembered that our basement is in fact painted with colors: I used two shades of DARK cream, otherwise known as yellowish, and I think a white bathroom would be not so pretty next to that.

Oh, who am I kidding, it’s that painting with cream-colored paint is unbelievably dull, as bad as painting two coats of primer, and I’m sick of it and I don’t want to do it again. I want to use a color not because I particularly want colored walls, but because it’s boring to paint with white. If I were hiring a painter I’d have the painter use cream, but I’m NOT so I’m NOT. Okay, and FINE, I think it would be fun to choose a color for a change.

So! Let’s choose a color. One of the shades I used in the basement is the exact color of eggnog. Seriously, I’d poured some into a little plastic container for doing the edges, and I kept ALMOST drinking it. The other shade is the same basic idea as the eggnog shade, but one step darker down on the strip—more like Classic Pooh (as opposed to rainbow-yellow Disney Pooh).

I am NO GOOD at choosing colors, but I AM happy with those shades of dark cream. So one possibility would be to use the same one(s) in the bathroom. Problem: would yellow be kind to complexions in the mirror? I would like to be kind. Plus: kind of boring to do the same color again.

What appeals to me most is a light green, yellowish, new-leaf-type. But greens are so hard to choose! One false move and it’s Hospital or Seafoam or Mint or Nauseated. Plus, with the complexions? No good?

I’m also considering a pale, glowing lilac color. I asked Paul if that would be too girly and he said no, that would be fine. But this is probably the bathroom our ADOLESCENT BOYS will be using later on. Not that boys can’t take showers in a purple bathroom. In fact, they should feel fortunate I don’t make them use the garden hose in the driveway.

I don’t really want to dither this to death, though. When I chose those yellows, I took every single remotely-cream/yellow paint chip in the store, and I leafed through them for WEEKS. I dealt them out and compared. I eliminated some, then added them back in. I paused Gilmore Girls so I could see which yellows looked most like the yellows in Luke’s apartment and in Lorelai’s house. I poster-puttied finalists to the walls so I could do quick evaluations every time I walked by, and so I could see them at all times of day. I fretted that I should really be getting sample cans and painting little pieces of the wall.

This time I was thinking I might just…walk into the store, pick a color that looks good, and go out with a can of paint. The bathroom kind of needs to be painted this weekend. I mean, it wouldn’t be an emergency if I postponed, but I think I’ve pushed the patience of the flooring people far enough already.

You know what is surprisingly similar to going through the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through and getting a flavored coffee and two doughnuts? Having coffee with flavored creamer and two slices of bread with Nutella. It SOUNDS like a sad sorry substitute, but it doesn’t FEEL that way, and I can’t believe how similar Nutella-bread is to doughnuts (Elizabeth, sniffing my breakfast: “I know that smell! It’s DOUGHNUTS!!”).

The initial investment is larger (I paid $6 for a bag of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee grounds, $3 for a jar of Nutella, and $3.50 for a thing of flavored coffee creamer, all at Target), but the ingredients last for many servings and it’s easier to go back for second helpings without the drive-through girl saying “Back again so soon?” in a tone that’s hard to put a finger on but isn’t quite nice. Plus: no children in the back seats begging for doughnuts, no trying to figure out how to order the amount of cream and sugar I like (“Last time I said regular? and that was a little too much. So could I have, like, 75% of regular?”), and no using up a paper bag, a paper doughnut-grabber, several paper napkins, and a paper cup (I am practically NURSING BABY SEALS BACK TO HEALTH AND HAPPINESS by staying home).

I think I’ll start doing some of the cleaning updates on Twitter. I get so excited to tell you all the latest, but when I went down to the pantry for a new thing of coffee creamer this morning, and I threw away the fat-free kind I bought 2-3 years ago and rarely use and the huge tub of unflavored kind Paul got me by mistake that I kept thinking I might mix with Nesquik or something but never did, I wasn’t sure my excitement over those two little pitch-outs was worth, like, a POST. Though I see that didn’t stop me from posting two paragraphs about my breakfast.

A review of my mother-in-law’s eating requirements:

1. No salt.
2. Low fat.
3. Recent self-diagnosed tomato allergy

The worst of it is, she is making it hard to settle into a nice big venty complain-fest about it, because she presented #3 (the only one that’s new since her last visit) in a pleasant and considerate email—really, it couldn’t have been better. She was apologetic and hand-wringy in a way that made me want to say, “Oh, dear, NO, it is NO TROUBLE! Heavens!”

In fact, I went to the library and got a book on low/no-salt cooking, so moved was I by this unfortunate plight. As I was reading the recipes, I remembered several things learned from previous visits:

4. She “doesn’t care for” black pepper.
5. She “doesn’t care for” anything spicy.

Oh, hey, do you know what has no salt, low fat, no tomatoes, no pepper, and no spiciness? Baked chicken, baked potato, steamed broccoli. That’s what we’re going to have EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. No, really: we’ll change the broccoli for peas, carrots, other varieties available in our grocer’s freezer section, but there is NOTHING ELSE we will have.

You think I’m kidding? TRY ME. I really am glad there is something I like and can make (and ADD SALT AND PEPPER AND SPICES to on my own plate) that she can eat.

DRAMATIC CHANGE OF SUBJECT

I need new glasses. I got these glasses when William was a baby. (William is in third grade.) We don’t have any vision-related insurance, so here is my question: Is Walmart the same as going to some private place? And, is it even any cheaper? I saw a sign at Walmart that said eye exams start at $75. “Start at” is a tricky way to put that. How much do you pay for an eye exam—not for contact lenses, but just for glasses—and where do you get it done? And what about lenses/frames? How much and where, and WHY do they vary SO MUCH in price?

I came up with what I thought was a fun and inspiring cleaning goal: fill one trash bag (NOT from trash cans) before Trash Day. It did not work. Not because it was a bad idea, but because I just Didn’t Do It. Didn’t even take a trash bag out of the cupboard.

I DID, however, get rid of three Large Items from our playroom: two big toys (a riding toy and a sit-‘n’-spin) and one child-sized chair. We Freecycled them. The playroom floor looks so much bigger and clearer now.

I also got one step closer in the PLANNING process of hanging a picture that’s been leaning against the wall since I bought it a month ago. I didn’t hang it, but I thought of where I might like to hang it. Uh, woot!

I finished off an almost-empty bottle of orange vodka. That was some HARD WORK, but now there’s one fewer bottle cluttering up the shelves! …Well, except that I used the bottle to make a new batch of vanilla extract, so now it’s cluttering up the counter instead. I wonder if I can Freecycle all the cordials I bought when I thought I’d like them? (I don’t like them.) I suppose not.

Fastest de-cluttering turnaround ever: I bought three bottles of lotion on 75% off, tried it once, didn’t like the smell, gave the opened bottle to my mom and put the other two in the food pantry donation bin. It was hard to do it (it smelled FINE in the store! it was 75% off! it was Dove and I love Dove!), but I thought, “I’m not going to use it. So do I put in the donation bin NOW, or do I store the bottles for a couple of years and THEN donate them?” I could also have returned them, but they were something like $1.24 each, and also I hate returning things that the clerk might think I’ve opened and used, and also the food pantry recently put out a request for more of this sort of thing—I can’t think of the word for it, but non-food stuff like paper towels and lotion. “Sundries”?

I’m going to get rid of the rest of the dolls. I’d done a first sweep and didn’t find myself any more attached to the remaining dolls, and I think it’s that I just don’t want to collect/have dolls anymore. I’m going to keep some of the outfits for Elizabeth’s doll, but not many because she doesn’t really play with her doll either.

Today’s tidying tasks:

1. Went through massive stockpile of regular toothbrushes (acquired via dentists, school programs, clearances) and got rid of all but a small handful. Everyone in the family except me uses electric toothbrushes. The ones I got rid of are all in packages, so they can be donated to the local food pantry (which also gives out household basics like soap and paper towels).

2. Went through the closet and bureau in our room. Got rid of two bags of clothes we never wear. Bringing to clothing donation dumpsters. Also threw out about ten pairs of the kind of big-knit socks people get for Christmas. Threw out a pair of worn-out sandals I thought I’d already thrown out.

3. Found TWO Hello Kitty back-of-seat car organizers I bought on clearance lonnnnnng ago and suddenly remembered I had. Put them in the car. Used the bag they’d been stored in to gather up a bunch of trash from the car, and found Elizabeth’s headband cat ears that have been lost since last Halloween.

4. Threw out four boxes of hair color so old it’s bound to be no good anymore, even if I were planning to dye my hair that color. Remembered to salvage the excellent little conditioners that come with boxed color.

5. Established corner of dining room to start putting piles of stuff to be donated. It’s right where I walk past on my way out the door, so I’m hoping that will cue me to take things when I’ll be driving past the drop-offs for them.

This list looks more impressive to me than the actions were. None of them were THOROUGH cleans/tidies; all of them were quick first-scan types of tidies, where I got rid of the obvious stuff and didn’t push it to the hard decisions. I’m still doing more “If in doubt, keep it,” reserving “If it doubt, toss it out” for later or possibly never.

The way my fingernails look an average of 51 weeks per year:

The results of today’s housecleaning project:

My mom said the other day that she thinks this is probably the most stressful, difficult time in my WHOLE PARENTING EXPERIENCE. I wanted to correct her—to say, “No, the time with newborn twins must have been harder” or “No, the time with 2-year-old twins and a newborn must have been harder,” but instead I said, “The other day I was watching a thunderstorm and had my usual paranoid fear that the lightning would somehow strike me THROUGH THE WINDOW, but instead of feeling my heart pound as I imagined my funeral and my sad children gazing at the very few photos of me I took in the mirror since no one ever takes pictures except me, my first thought was ‘Oh, that would be such a RELIEF.'” Then I laughed merrily.

Dudes. There are days I HIDE IN THE BATHROOM. And I don’t mean I lock the door while I pee, I mean I LIE DOWN ON THE NICE COOL FLOOR and THINK ABOUT THE LOVELY, LOVELY LOCK.

Isn’t it terribly, terribly frustrating and discouraging to hear how much we’ll long for these days later on? And I can SEE it: I can see their sweet faces and hear their sweet funny voices and totally know how much I’ll miss them later on. But short of BOTTLING IT, I am not able to appreciate it all now. It’s like trying to appreciate summer tomatoes: it is all well and good to say you’ll miss them come January, but that doesn’t mean you can eat ten tomatoes a day in August.