Author Archives: Swistle

This is a Test of the Emergency Christmas Card Scoring System

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Our first Christmas card arrived and is an excellent test of the Christmas Card Scoring System, but I’m worried about quoting from it because OMG WHAT IF THEY GOOGLE THEIR OWN CHRISTMAS LETTER? But that’s not likely, is it? Er…is it? But perhaps someone who reads this blog has received the same letter and would know who it was and would tell them. I’m remembering when Sundry‘s dad found her blog because of searching for the recipe for a drink they had during his visit. Or I might not be remembering the details exactly right (recipe? drink?), but that was the GIST, and I spent some time searching for the post so I could get the details right and I kept getting distracted by the archives and anyway my point is that it’s better to be paranoid safe than caught sorry. But I don’t think I can help it. [Edit: Here’s the Sundry post! Thank you, Robyn!]

Normally we use the C.C.S.S. for reflecting our happiness in receiving cards: scores are not LITERALLY given. But every so often, maybe once or twice a season, we use the C.C.S.S. to demonstrate why a card is so amusingly bad. Perhaps the writer forgets that not everyone wants to hear about her neighbor’s gall bladder. Perhaps the writer forgets that a preachy Christmas letter is either preaching to the choir or else preaching to the people who made an informed decision not to join the choir. Perhaps the writer forgets that a parent’s love for and interest in his or her own children is notoriously out of proportion to other people’s love for and interest in those same children, and that adjectives such as “amazing” and “beautiful” and “incredible” and “brilliant” are best used only with the child’s other parent. Whatever the situation, the card sends its readers into tears of incredulous laughter the vast majority of cards are NOT going to provoke even if they quote a few verses and brag a little about the children.

So. This card. They get +5 for sending a card, and it falls within the reasonable idea of “pretty” and so that’s another +3. It includes a letter, which is +5. The letter is not particularly informative or interesting (their children are wonderful!—no details, just an adjective; they took an autumn walk!), but I think it tries, and I tend to award those points for any effort at all, so they can have +2 (out of a possible +3).

In the beginning of the letter they were going to get -3 for saccharine/cheery, but they crossed the line and got +2 instead for mockability.

The best part really was the “blessed/blessings” count, which was funnier and funnier as I kept finding them: eight in the letter proper, including three in one paragraph alone, and THEN, there was a postscript SOLELY for the purpose of offering another blessing. THEN I looked at the CARD, where they’d written it AGAIN. Ten blessings in all, for a grand total of 9 points lost (because the first usage is allowed as a special holiday lenience).

They also used the word “special” three times, and the word “fellowship” once (one use feels like ten). Those aren’t on the points list but I found they added to the amusing impact of all the blessings.

There were four paragraphs, and each one contained 1-2 Bible verses (including one that explained what a torment earthly life is but happily it goes by fast—how festive!), each one accompanied by a plug for the Bible: “Read the entire chapter. It’s awesome. Of course the entire Bible is amazing.” “If you want to read an exciting book this one is it!!” There was also a reminder that all blessings are theirs because they follow The Lord and because our nation follows The Lord also. So that’s -5 for preaching/piousness.

One mention of a colon-related illness, but no entertainment/informational value so that’s -1.

Let me just put on my math medal for this calculation…..their card gets 2 points. It seems like it should get more points considering how very much I enjoyed it. Perhaps crossing into mockability should be +10 instead of +2.

Stuff You Can Win

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Oh hi, hi. Fine, fine, and you? The weather, I know! Crazy! …Oh that? The ad I’m casually leaning up against, petting in a way that calls your attention to it? Pff, it’s nothing. Just, you know, MY NAME IN AN AD.

(My name is indeed Kristen. TRUE STORY.)

The ad (this one isn’t clickable—it’s just a picture) is what they’re using for the latest paid review over on the review blog. This one involved softening two pounds of butter. I am going to have to spend my pay on bigger jeans. And more butter.

This paid review, like the last one, involves a drawing for a $100 Visa gift card. If only there was something to spend such a thing on, this time of year. Well, go enter anyway.

I would also like to call your attention to an assortment of Etsy Love posts that include giveaways, in case you are short on gifts [note from the future: posts are gone, so links are deleted]:

1. haworth handmade: choice of embroidered wood ornament or embroidered felt rock

2. Small Grapes: six fat quarters of Erin McMorris fabric

3. Relic: choice of coin bracelet or coin earrings

Won’t Someone PLEASE Focus on the CHILDREN!

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I had a terrible dream last night about Henry, and when I woke up I DID feel relieved it wasn’t true, but I also thought nauseatingly of the dream every time I looked at him so it wasn’t a “wake up and hug the children” situation, more of a lingering bad/sad feeling.

And I also dreamed I found the perfect cat for us, and so now I’m kind of sad that we can’t have that cat.

I’ve been Very! Busy! recently, and it’s making it hard to turn my attention to the children. If they need food or potty help or something practical, it’s easier—but if they need to show me a series of magic tricks, or climb on me, or make jokes, or tell me the plot of a TV show, or talk about a series of topics one sentence at a time spaced one minute apart, I’m clenching my teeth and DYING to get back to what I was doing.

I found a trick that helps: I put one hand on the child’s back or shoulder, or I hold the child’s hand, or pull the child onto my lap, or whatever makes sense for the situation—the gist of it is that I find if I maintain physical contact with the child, it’s easier to maintain mental contact.

Christmas Card Scoring / Rating System

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It is December! As Marie Green twittered yesterday: “Yesterday’s mail brought our first Christmas card of the year… And now we’re looking down the barrel of a WHOLE MONTH of fun mail!” YES!

Well, and so it is time to review the Christmas Card Scoring System. The C.C.S.S. (also called the H.C.S.S—Holiday Card Scoring System) is for those of us who look forward all year to receiving cards. It reflects how happy we are to receive them—and how our happiness increases when there are bonus thrill items such as photos and newsletters and prettiness. Lower scores are not bad: ANY Christmas card is a thrill to receive, and the higher scores of other cards don’t make lower-scored cards look bad: 5 points is like a grade of A, and anything higher is extra credit.

  • Card received: +5
  • Card received before December 1st: -1
  • Card received after December 25th: -1
  • Card is pretty, and looks nice on wall: +3
  • Card is glittery: +1
  • Card sheds that glitter: -2
  • Card is shiny / has metallic accents: +1
  • Card does not contain card, but only letter, so there is nothing to put up on wall: -5
  • Card is e-card: -5

 

  • Card includes photo or is photo card: +5
  • More than one photo: +2 each additional photo
  • Photo is non-Christmassy so will look good on fridge all year: +1
  • Photo is Christmassy so increases holiday feeling of card: +1
  • Red-eye causes family to appear possessed by evil Christmas spirit: -1
  • Photo was taken on beach this past summer in summer clothing, so family looks chilly against winter pattern of card: -1
  • Photo includes dogs with glowing eyes who seem poised to eat humans: -1

 

  • Card includes letter: +5
  • Letter is informative and interesting: +3
  • Letter describes child as “amazing” or “already an avid reader and accomplished Suzuki violinist at age 3!”: -3 each
  • Letter is so braggy and saccharine-cheery, I wonder why I associate with these people: -3
  • Letter is so very braggy and saccharine-cheery, it crosses over into comical and becomes fun to read aloud in an unkind tone of voice: +2
  • Letter uses the word “blessed” more than one time: -1 per use (not including first use)
  • Letter is a sermon/evangelism disguised as a Christmas letter, and contains pious spiritual hopes for our country, for our country’s leaders, for mankind, and for me personally: -5
  • Letter mentions details of gross surgery/illness: -1 or +1, depending on entertainment value
  • Letter contains thinly-veiled family gossip: +3
  • Letter contains information that should have been told earlier: -2

 

  • Card includes check: +5
  • Large check: +10
  • Card includes announcement of pregnancy: +10
  • Card from Christmas Card Friends contains surprising news of baby born since last card sent: +10

 

This year my own card gets:

  • +5 for existing
  • +3 for being pretty
  • +5 for containing a photo
  • +2 for containing an additional photo (a Thanksgiving shot including my parents)
  • +2 for containing an additional photo (a divided photo showing 4 outtakes of the Christmas photo)
  • +1 for being a non-Christmassy photo

Some people will get just the first photo, some will get two, and some will get three—so my card will score 14, 16, or 18 points at most, with of course the 3 points for prettiness depending on the recipient.

 

(card available on Zazzle)

Mysterious Rolls of Film: Developed!

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Do you remember my late mother-in-law’s Mysterious Rolls of Film? They are back from the developer!

Roll 1: Only 6 photos on the roll could be developed. They were of flowers and flowering trees in her yard/neighborhood.

 

Roll 2: Couldn’t be developed.

 

Roll 3: (a) My sister-in-law’s college graduation, which was in 2000. (b) A visit to us, also in 2000: Rob was about 18 months old, and I was just about to find out I was pregnant with William. Some of the photos were damaged with red and yellow streaks.

 

So! You know what is difficult? Choosing a winner for the box of gift-closet clutter, from a bunch of answers that were partly right, partly wrong. That is perhaps something I should have taken into account before setting the rules of the contest.

In my opinion, there were eight people who got closer than anyone else, with some mental point-subtracting for incorrect guesses among the correct ones and some mental point-adding for particularly detailed correctness.

1. AlienBea: “Three different film speeds (right?) suggests three different cameras, so these could be years apart. I’ll bet at least one is a holiday gathering with family, maybe one will have baby pictures of one of your children, and maybe one roll will be of the time she went on a yen to take artistic nature photos.”

2. Jess: “I think that they are hiding a hidden part of your mother in law that will be revealed and you will be shocked and astounded.

one roll of artsy farty stuff (tree? bridge? flower?)
one roll of a vacation (black socks and short shorts on the males involved)
one roll of a randon high school graduation (who is that kid that keeps popping up in these pictures?)”

3. Emily: “I’m guessing one holiday gathering, one vacation, and one of your kids.”

4. Fran: “I am going to go with
1. vacation with husband #2
2. pictures of her house and yard
3. the oldest roll will be unable to develop”

5. Kylene:
“1. Random landscape photos.
2. Visits with her grandchildren
3. Some event she went to, like a lecture or a concert or somesuch.”

6. Lawyerish: “I am thinking the majority of the photos will comprise (1) garden/flower shots; (2) her craft/knitting projects; (3) a family gathering (probably the 70th anniversary).”

7. Mama Bub: “I’m going to guess a graduation, along with random shots of the house, newly planted gardening, pets and grandchildren.”

8. SaLy: “I think one roll will be double exposed. One will be photos of her garden/yard. One will be photos of you and your family.”

 

So then I took eight little scraplets of paper, wrote the numbers 1 through 8 on them, tossed them up into the air and tried to catch one. I caught the number 6, so that’s Lawyerish! I’ll be emailing you, Lawyerish, to get your mailing info!

Gift Ideas: Toddler, Preschooler, Early Elementary School (Originally 2-Year-Old Boy)

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This year the three younger kids are all getting pajamas as one of their Christmas presents. They need pajamas anyway, but I got them “special” ones (Mario for Edward, kitty for Elizabeth, dinosaur for Henry) so they’ll find it thrilling and I also found it fun to buy them fancy jammies. Here are the dinosaur pajamas I got for Henry:

OMG, do you LOVE them? Baby Gap! 50% off! Still $14, even so.

Now I’m turning my attention to toys. Tonight I’m shopping for Henry, age 2-and-a-half. Join me, won’t you? *trill of music* *door opens invitingly before you*

(All photos yoinked from Amazon.com, which is where I was doing my shopping.)


Crayola Beginnings Color Me a Song. I don’t know if he’d like this or not. He does like to color. He does like music. This thing apparently plays music based on how fast the child scribbles. I’m not sure I want to encourage him to, like, scribble faster per se. But maybe it would be a ton of fun. Or maybe it would be super annoying. I can’t tell. About $20.

 


LeapFrog Tag Junior. We have a regular Tag, and Henry likes it but has a little trouble managing it. This looks much easier to manage, and I love hunting down the books (periodically I find them at 75% off at Target, and they also make good gift idea things). But I am soooooo lazy, and what happens is I buy a new Tag book and then I mean to upload it to the Tag thingie but I keep putting it off until the children are no longer interested in the subject the book is based on. Maybe I would reform if I had a toddler reminding me every few seconds. About $30.

 


Fisher-Price Kid-Tough Digital Camera. I let the four oldest kids use my actual digital camera: it’s not a super-fancy/expensive one, and they’re all careful to use the wrist strap, and that way I can upload their photos whenever I upload mine. BUT. Henry. Is not as good at being careful. It is not his fault he’s only two. But he sees the other kids using my camera and he really! wants! to use! the camera! Sometimes I let him, but sometimes I’ve also lost my mind, and sometimes I get fingerprints all over the lens, and sometimes he drops it and now you have to press really hard on the button to make it take a photo. And so sometimes I find this kind of camera more appealing, and my camera was not expensive but this one is less expensive by several multiples. We have the Fisher-Price Kid-Tough portable DVD player (it was “as-is” at Target for $20 and I haven’t found a single thing wrong with it) and it has been dropped FROM THE TOP BUNK and is still working fine, so I’d be ready to put down money for the camera if I knew he’d use it and not still pine to use mine. About $45.

 


Oh! The Melissa and Doug Slice and Bake Cookie Set! My mom has this at her house, and all three littles LOVVVVVE it. They cut cookie dough slices, bake them on a cookie sheet, then put frosting on them. I totally recommend this for the age 2-5 range, and longer if you have a child who particularly likes to pretend-bake. About $14.

 


Green Toys Tea Set. Speaking of my mom’s house, she also has a tea set Henry loves to play with. She lets him use real water in it. He is not very tidy. I’m not getting him a tea set. $17ish.

 


LeapFrog Fridge Phonics. We already have this, but if you’re looking for something for a toddler/preschooler this would be GREAT. The unit and the letters go on the fridge, and if you put a letter into the unit it sings a little song about the letter. I SWEAR this (plus the tied-in DVD) is what taught the twins their letters and letter sounds, and the song manages not to annoy me (the frogs in the video are another story). About $15 (and about $10 for the video; they’d make a nice set).

 


Fisher Price Smart Fit. This looks kind of like the Wii Fit? But for little kids? Henry’s still too young for it but the twins might like it and Henry could grow into it. About $40.

 


Fisher-Price Spike Jr. Henry loves this whenever I let him play with it while we’re shopping at Target, but I’m not sure it has enough play value for the price. It makes a yawning kind of roar (not overly scary), then stomps around, then chuckles like “Ha ha, I would totally not eat you in one quick snap if I were real.” About $40.

 


Mr. Potato Head Silly Suitcase. He has this already and loves it. About $17.

 


Alex Tub Tunes Water Flutes. I think he’d like these: he likes music, he likes baths. And I think the older kids would like it, too. About $12.

 


This, by the way, is the amusing present he’s getting from my parents: the Fisher-Price Little Mommy Gotta Go doll. He flipped out over it in the store and so my mom bought it—which is, I assume, why store managers don’t much mind if kids play with the toys in the store. This doll has SIXTY different things she says, many of them related to peeing and using the potty.

Shopping Post: First of Many; Gift Ideas for a 9-Month-Old Niece

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This evening I’m looking through the “Birth to 24 Months” of Amazon.com’s toy section, looking for something for my 9-month-old niece. I’m not finding many Awesome! Deals! but I’m finding some good toys so I thought I’d do a Shopping Post while I was at it. All photos are yoinked from Amazon. The prices are what they are as I click (rounded, because do any of us care if it’s $10 or if it’s $10.28?)—Amazon is pissing me off a little by changing prices every 10 minutes so WHO KNOWS what the prices are by the time YOU click.

 


Um, perfect much? This is the best thing I found. It is the Busy Zoo Activity Center, and it’s $57 down from $100, and I could have it shipped free which I would not expect for something nearly SEVENTEEN POUNDS. But I already bought part of Niestle’s present and was looking for something more in the $10-$20 range, and also this is a big thing to buy for someone else’s household. I’d get this for my own kid, though, if I had a kid the right age. This would be perfect for a tummy-time-aged baby, perfect for a sitting baby, perfect for a pulling-to-standing baby. And I’m always looking for toys with lots to do but NO PIECES TO SCATTER AND LOSE.

 


I’ve mentioned the Melissa and Doug Shape-Sorting Clock before. I like it because it’s fun for kids who like clocks AND kids who like puzzles AND kids who like numbers. This is a nice price, too: $10 down from $15. This is best for the kind of household where someone finds all the pieces before putting a toy away, rather than the kind of household where eventually the toy has two pieces in place and the others are scattered across four or five rooms. Ahem.

 


The Melissa and Doug Picnic Basket ($15 down from $20) is a strong contender. Jonniker has a 9-month-old daughter and mentioned that this was on Samantha’s wish list, reminding me that the 9-month-old stage is big on putting things in and dumping things out, with an emphasis on dumping things out and perhaps also an emphasis on fussing until someone ELSE puts them back in.

 


Jonniker and I are also both considering the Manhattan Toy Put and Peek Birdhouse for the 9-month-olds we know. This toy is not on any kind of sale at all as of posting (still $22), but OMG TEH BIRDIES.

 


My mom has the LeapFrog Fridge Farm and we have the similar LeapFrog Wash & Go, and they’re both GREAT. Too old for my niece, I think, but a lot of fun for toddlers. If you put the animals/vehicles together correctly it sings one song, and if you put them together crazy it sings a silly song. They’re called “Fridge” because they have strong magnets to attach both the unit and the pieces to the refrigerator, which is nice if you’re trying to get TWO SECONDS to pour a stiff drink get dinner ready.

 


The Radio Flyer Wagon! $30 down from $50 AND free shipping!

 


The Skwish doesn’t look like much for $12, but it was one of the most enduring and played-with baby toys we owned. Durable, too: made it through five babies without looking worse for wear. It’s a teether! It’s a rattle! It’s a hypnotizing toy for Mommy to play with!

 


The Winkel is a similar choice: why oh why is it TWELVE DOLLARS? It seems like it should be about FIVE! And yet it is worth EVERY DOLLAR, and I saved mine after the last kid outgrew it because otherwise I’d end up spending ANOTHER twelve dollars if I ever had another baby. It was the first toy my firstborn reached for, and they all teethed vigorously on it. Silly name and not cheap, but worth it.

 


Speaking of silly names, Melissa and Doug’s, um, Jumbo Knob Puzzles. There are a whole bunch of these (pets, barnyard, vehicles, etc.–just search for Melissa and Doug and, um, jumbo knob) marked from $15 down to $9. Although, now that I’m looking more closely, I see that other sellers have the starting price at $9-10, so that $15 starting price may be a teeny bit overstated.

 


These Nest and Stack buckets look terrific: a shape sorting toy AND a nesting/stacking toy. Plus, I’ll bet the larger buckets would make good barf buckets later on! A bit small perhaps. Well, let’s not turn our minds to it.

When Should You Reveal the Truth About Santa Claus to Your Kids?

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Mary writes:

I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and I think you may be just the person to help me with this question. My oldest is 7 and in 2nd grade. Last year this little s*^t (I mean precious little girl) in my son’s class told everyone that there is no Santa. When she said that, in first grade, my son spoke up and said that there is one, he eats breakfast with him every year. (St. Nick’s breakfast event) Anyway, I think over the past year the conversation has come up again and he has said to me, in front of our other children, that he knows that Santa, or The Tooth Fairy, or sometimes it’s The Easter Bunny, etc… is really your parents. I try to quiet him when he brings it up and try to convince him otherwise because I feel like this is just WAY too young for him to not believe and it makes me very sad.

Here’s my dilemma. Do I keep what I’m doing and risk that each time he brings it up, it puts thoughts into my 6 year old kindergartner, and their 3 younger sisters that cause them all to not believe at an early age. The benefit of this is maybe 7 year old will come around, maybe he’s really not ready to let go of the beliefs but just trying to see how we react, so we keep him believing for just one more year. OR, do we take him aside, explain it all and tell him to Shut the F up already in front of the others(of course we would never say it that way). The sad part of this is we lose his innocence and wonder at Christmas. The good side is we can shelter the others from giving this up too soon.

SO….. if all that made sense, what would you do?

We weren’t sure, as our firstborn approached the age when he could understand the Santa Claus myth, if we were going to introduce it or not: Paul grew up believing in Santa Claus, but my parents told me right away that it wasn’t true (a minister and a Christian school teacher? they don’t want to confuse children about the supernatural). I was instructed never—NEVER—to reveal this to other children (because you can’t tell which kids still believe), and I didn’t.

We started out telling Preschooler Rob about Santa Claus, but he is the sort of child who had better be a successful rich lawyer who gives his parents cruises for Christmas when he grows up or all this arguing is going to be even more annoying. He was immediately skeptical, and he was THREE. We lacked the strength of conviction, so we fumbled through a few questions about how Santa can get to all the houses in one night and then both of us were like, screw this. It was WAY too much work and we felt so foolish pretending to believe it. Also, we didn’t like the idea that later we’d have to say, “Surprise! We’ve been totally lying to you for YEARS! That guy you love so much doesn’t even EXIST! Merry Christmas!” We’ve instructed the kids very, very firmly to NEVER tell other children—even the fifth-grader gets reminded each year, just in case. They are wide-eyed about this sacred duty to protect others.

So, clearly, the Santa Claus story didn’t work out at our house and I have no good answers. Does this mean I won’t offer my baseless advice anyway? Of course not! I’m giving you all this background info, though, to demonstrate clearly that it would be better to give more weight to the advice of commenters who DO have actual experience with this.

It sounds to me as if your second grader already DOES know it’s not true, and he is looking for your parental confirmation that he correctly understands the situation. Since he IS correct, and since his unconfirmed understanding is causing wobbles in the story for the rest of the family, I would vote for your plan of taking him aside, revealing the truth, and asking him to play along and not reveal what he knows to the others (or to kids at school).

If you think he may still WANT to believe, you could say to him tenderly and with a Significant Tone of Voice, “Do you really want me to tell you?” He may think it over and decide he WOULD rather participate in the belief for another year (and therefore stop questioning it in front of his siblings), but without you having to actively lie to a child who’s asking to be told the truth—which is where I worry that the Santa Claus thing could start causing actual trust issues.

Now. Would some of you who know what you’re talking about please take over?

Jumble

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1. I dreamed last night that I was in labor, walking around the hospital in a johnny and robe. The baby was a boy and we hadn’t named it yet, so I was thinking of names. I liked Frederick.

2. I’m in a sad, grim mood this morning. I’m planning to go to Target. I think I’d feel better if I bought Henry some cute new pajamas.

3. If you have an Etsy shop, you should email me (swistle! at! gmail! dot! com!) so I can go look at it. I’m doing a series of Etsy Love posts over at the review blog [note from the future: links to review blog deleted because review blog itself deleted] before the holidays (WirlyGrrl made me a Swistle painting and SugarChills has a face slime giveaway ending Wednesday), but I also keep a list of Reader Etsy Shops because I write a lot of Etsy-stuff posts over at Milk and Cookies: if I’m writing about, say, neat Etsy stuff for back-to-school, I like to start with my list before exploring the Huge Wide World of Etsy.

4. Do you know, I actually got a little WEEPY over my mother-in-law last night? Not because I miss her or because I’m sorry she died (I continue to feel huge relief, and a happy feeling about how this changes my imagined future), but because I felt sorry for her. I was remembering when she was visiting, and she wanted me to come along while she bought Christmas presents for the kids so I could help with sizes. And it was kind of a nice outing, and she was so pleased at the success of the mission, and she had NO IDEA she wouldn’t be alive at Christmas. I mean, some of this is clearly a case of “It is Margaret you mourn for,” because it’s given me this unpleasant “ANY of us could die at ANY TIME!!” feeling. But part of it is genuine pity for her specifically. She was a very difficult woman but I don’t think she knew it, and she was happy with her life, and early-sixties is a sadly early check-out time.

5. I saw the movie Up this weekend, and that dog Dug makes me want a dog.

6. I’m trying Cover Girl lip stain after reading a good review on Live Well Spend Well. I think I will like it better in summer, when my lips are not so chapped. Also, I found the same thing Kori found: the two colors I tried are super! bright! One of the shades I got is called Flirty Nude, which I thought was an amusing color name (by the time someone is nude, is “flirty” the right term?) and it is not nude AT ALL, it is a bright coral. Right now that doesn’t look good compared to the silvery-plum shades I wear in the fall, but in spring and summer I’m going to try the coral again.

7. Inspired by Aibiffity, Black Sheeped, and Zoot, I’ve been trying the no-shampooing thing. When yesterday my hair seemed like it needed some cleansing, I tried using apple cider vinegar as shampoo. All day, every time I turned my head, I caught a whiff of the refrigerator-pickled cucumber slices my family ate in the summertime when I was little. Today I used actual shampoo, to remove the smell of the apple cider vinegar.