We have a brand-new child-financial situation to deal with: what to do, financially, about an adult child who is working full-time and living at home.
I will start by telling you what we did about children’s income when the children were still in school, because it feels relevant. A child working part-time (like during the school year) put half of their earnings into their own college fund, and kept the other half. A child working full-time (like during the summer), put 50-70% of their earnings into their own college fund and 10-30% into charity/investment (we gave them some input on those proportions, up to the 80% point, depending on their own priorities and also on what their college cost), and kept 20% for themselves. Well, I mean, almost ALL the money, except for charitable contributions, was For Themselves. But we used “for themselves” in this context to mean “money to do whatever you want with.” (If any of them had opted not to attend college, their own personal college savings accounts would have been turned over to them when they graduated high school and moved out.)
Now for the first time we have an adult child, a college graduate, who is 25 years old, has a full-time job, and lives at home. When I graduated from college, I could get a minimum-wage job at a bakery and just barely afford to live in a cheap/crummy one-bedroom apartment (two flights up; living over a business; literal shag carpeting that didn’t bear thinking about too much; a large window IN THE SHOWER; no a/c and most of the windows didn’t open / didn’t have screens; heat adjusted by the landlord; iffy hot water) with those wages. After that, any improvement in my circumstances (getting a raise; working overtime; getting a higher-paying job; getting a roommate; etc.) represented a big step up, and that was very motivating and encouraging, and felt good and right to be progressing that way through life.
That is not the time my kids live in. As I understand it, you will all understand what the rental market is like right now; but in case you live in one of the few areas where this is not the case, or in case you have not looked into it recently, I will explain that someone working full-time at a medium-low wage cannot practically afford a one-bedroom apartment, even if there were many one-bedroom apartments available, which there are not, and especially if they have significant student loans to pay back.
But I will go on to say that it seems Deeply Wrong to me to have an adult earning a full-time paycheck and getting to treat the whole thing as discretionary money, while someone else pays for their groceries, electricity, hot water, etc. It doesn’t just seem deeply wrong on a Rightness level, it also seems deeply wrong on a TRAINING/LAUNCHING level.
Even though things are harder than when I was this age, I still want to take a shot at training the idea that it’s pretty normal to start out just barely scraping by and then gradually do better over time. I don’t want the kids to start by spending a full-time wage on whatever they want, and then feeling like they take a 95% pay cut when they move out and have to pay their own normal expenses. It’s not that we want to profit off their earnings (we would not be profiting in any way off their earnings); it’s that I think it is good for them to find it normal that an adult would contribute financially to the household that they live in, and to get used to the idea right off the bat that you DON’T get to spend all of your income on fun stuff. I feel like we already made progress on this when we made them divide their earlier earnings, and I’d like to continue that progress.
But: how MUCH should an adult child contribute to the parents’ household? How much. And how to DECIDE how much.
Additionally there is the tentative, sticky feeling we have about trying to tell a grown child what they have to do with their money, when we don’t actually have jurisdiction over that anymore. Sure, we could threaten, and we could say they have to pay what we say or they have to move out, but let’s be serious. I am not going to do that.
We could try to figure out what their actual household expenses were, and make them pay that. What part of the hot water bill is theirs? What part of the grocery bill? What part of electricity? How much car insurance, how much gasoline, what percentage of car maintenance/repair if they are using a family car? What is the value of their bedroom plus access to a bathroom, kitchen, living room? That sounds exhausting, and I don’t want to. Plus, I feel like there is a difference between what a kid working at a fast-food place and needing to live at home should contribute, versus what a kid working as a doctor and preferring to live at home should contribute. This seems like a good place to add that I don’t object philosophically to the idea of a kid preferring to live at home. I’m not pining for an empty nest; and I think multi-generational living can be very practical in many ways, and may be the way of the future in this housing market.
My friend Jane says that back in 2009 when she was in a similar situation to ours, she charged her son $600/month. Adjusted for inflation, that would be about $934/month today. Initially that seemed…high. I asked her how she came up with that number, and she said she thought she had looked at comparable rental costs, adjusted downward because it was living in his childhood bedroom in his mother’s house rather than in his own apartment, and then added a chunk for groceries and utilities. Well, that actually seems about right: less than $12,000/year for room/board/utilities and the use of a car. In fact, it seems affectionately low, adjusted for parental love. A kid making $24/hour, or $48,000/year, would be keeping 75% of their income. Well, let’s say 60-70% of their income, after taxes.
Elizabeth and I discussed the topic as I drove her back to school. She is a senior this year, and remarked that she would need to be careful what she suggested William should have to do, since she might be subject to those policies herself next year. We wondered about doing it more like a flat percentage, and about making it so that MORE of it went to the kid’s own benefit—as we did when we made them save for a college account that would be theirs if they didn’t go to college. What about something like this, if we were confidently in charge: they have to put 50% of their earnings after student loan payments into a savings account for their future launch (first/last month rent or down payment, furniture, etc.), and they have to put 25% of their earnings toward the household, and they keep the remaining 25% for themselves? That would be a lot more spending money that Paul and I had for our first couple of decades, but it would at least APPROXIMATE normal adult spending, AND be an actual contribution to the household, AND it would establish a Launch Account they would presumably end up being very glad for, which would teach them about how savings really add up. Does that seem like a good Training Wheels Budget for an adult child living at home? Imagine yourself at 25: does it feel like something you would accept? Well, that’s kind of hard for some of us to imagine, isn’t it. Different times.
DID you live for a time with your parents as an adult while working full-time, and what was the financial arrangement if any? Do you or did you have adult kids living at home and working, and what did you do about that financially if anything? Or do you happen to know someone else’s set-up? Do share. Different things are going to work with different families in different circumstances, so let’s build a collection of options to consider.
“Additionally there is the tentative, sticky feeling we have about trying to tell a grown child what they have to do with their money, when we don’t actually have jurisdiction over that anymore.”
In a way, you do – they’re living in your house. Even if you charge undermarket “rent,” having to pay for living at home, a place that was previously “free,” is motivating in the progression out of the house. If they truly want the “freedom” of spending all their money how they want, they’re going to have to live on their own. Plus, it’s realistic – them living at your house costs money, something you were having to pay when they were unable to earn money but now they are in a position to contribute. And I think your plan of putting some of the money towards their future”launch” is really generous. I don’t have a comment on what % to contribute, I am just writing to encourage this plan and hopefully help ease any discomfort with the idea. I look forward to hearing what the final outcome is.
I would consider charging rent of approximately the same percentage of income you would have spent living with roommates at the time you graduated.
Some of my friends have kept rent their adult child pays in a separate account, and surprise them with the bulk sum when they move out or are thinking of buying a house.
Outside of that they can spend their money as they’d like, but strongly advise them to max out a Roth IRA while their living expenses are low. The contributions will work as an emergency fund, and if they do leave it alone until retirement, it will have time to grow soooo much.
Second the advice to do some financial advising- encouraging savings in the form of a Roth and any other investment products you would recommend. My husband and I were just saying we WISH our parents had given us advice like that as we were coming up.
All three of our adult children knew that they would pay rent after they were 18 AND out of school. All three chose jobs in the trades which meant they went straight into the workforce and were making pretty great pay (I didn’t know exactly how much because it wasn’t my business) so we set a price of what we thought was fair to have a roommate taking up a bedroom ($300/mo) and even at that cheap rate, all three opted to move out with friends after only a few months.
Personally, I would charge a flat $1000/month for “room & board,” but with the understanding that all of that money was going into an escrow/savings-type account that would then be returned when the child was ready to buy a house/apartment, as a contribution to the down payment. (Alternately, drawn out in portions to be used for the upfront costs of moving out independently, or a wedding, or anything along those lines.) Five years of this would mean more than $50k available towards such endeavors. It seems very fair!
I lived at home after college and did not pay rent. I made a pitiful salary, had student loans and had to pay a lot to commute to the city via train, so did not have a lot leftover, plus had startup costs of working wardrobe and the like. I did contribute significantly in terms of chores – I cleaned the house every week/ sometimes every other and managed the laundry for myself, parents and younger sister, which, at the time, involved the laundromat. I paid for food that I consumed on my own, like breakfast and lunch, but usually ate dinner with my parents – that they provided. Not sure how we will handle when we are at the post college phase, so this is very interesting.
I’m not at this stage yet (my eldest is Henry’s age) but will read the comments with great interest. I think the saving 50% for launch is a great help to a kid and very generous (but not unreasonable) on your part.
The other aspect of course is non-financial. If you were going to have a room mate move in, you’d discuss cooking, and grocery shopping, and cleaning and who does what. I think it is SO much easier to have this conversation early – before you are trying to correct things – and as a ‘household meeting between adults.’ This is a conversation I need to be better about having adult to adult.
I’d love to hear how it goes!
I lived with my mother for many years after college (for a variety of reasons). I did pay rent/utilities. If I remember correctly (the arrangement started in 2007 so grain of salt), we came to an agreement on the amount based on my meager salary and my own bills (student loans, car payment/insurance, etc), with me paying roughly a third of the utilities (since there were three of us counting my little sister, who was still a minor) and a portion of the mortgage that increased as my salary increased. There wasn’t a specific percentage amount that I remember.
I like your plan very much. When I lived at home with my mom after college for a while, she “charged” me $400 a month in rent. This was 2005-2006, and a lot less than I would have paid to live on my own with a roommate. I stayed for about a year and a half (in the wake of my father’s death) and then moved to a more expensive city with a roommate, where we paid around $1100 for a 2-bedroom basement suite.
Our daughter, recent college graduate, lived with us for 6 months and worked full time. Her dad insisted she not pay anything because he wanted so much for her to use the opportunity to save every penny.. this was more about control in his part and she ended up leaving to live on her own (understandably).
Son, also 25, decided to live on his own immediately after college graduation. He did get a good job , but you’re right, his rent is astronomical and definitely not easy, e.g. he wants to buy a small house but can’t save enough fast enough.
I think the idea of “comparable rental costs, adjusted downward …and then added a chunk for groceries and utilities” makes sense, then actually using a bit (let’s say $200 a month) towards groceries and utilities and putting the rest into a launch account. WHILE ALSO expecting them to put the full amount possible into their retirement and the launch account.
For example – charge $1000 a month, use $200 a month as the landlord for overhead expenses, and then put $800 into a high-interest savings account, and in 2 years they’ll have about $21k. And, depending on your adult child’s existing budgeting and spending habits, don’t tell them you are doing this (this = putting their rent away for their own later use).
In your example of $24/hour, or $48,000/year, that’s about $39k after taxes or $3250 per month
$650 retirement account
$1000 rent/food/utilities (with $800 going to their launch account)
$750 student loans
$200 future launch savings
That leaves them about $650 a month for whatever they want, which seems to me to be enough for gas/transporation/entertainment/fun spending while living under a budget that will teach them that things will be tight when they move out
I’m only a few years older than Rob, and lived at home for a few years because rent is crazy. I payed my own car insurance and phone bill, and if I went grocery shopping or to the store for the household, I payed for that. I also payed for my own gas. I was self-motivated to save, so I probably put somewhere between 60%-75% of each paycheck in savings. ( I take that back – that was split between college loan payments and savings!).
The plan you and Elizabeth came up with sounds like a good one to me, but I would sit down with Paul and William and ask William what he thinks his contribution should be. Then you can have a discussion and come to an agreement on what’s fair, what his plans are, etc.
What about his plan for a car of his own? Unless you’re in a city where he could move out and not have a car, that seems like something that would need to be figured out before he could even think about moving out to his own place.
Not related to what you are asking, but is Elizabeth graduating on a shorter time table, or is time just going by really, really fast? I swear you were just looking at colleges for her!
It seems fast to me, too! But no, typical 4-year B.A., and this is Year Four!
Gosh, thanks for opening up this conversation. So much good input already. I agree that requiring a contribution wouldn’t be telling them how to spend their money; living as a human in this world dictates what you must spend money on. I would encourage you to consider how many more income-earning years they have ahead of them vs you and Paul, if that helps you get your head around “charging” them. We have an adult child with disabilities and I really struggled with the idea of charging him rent which is then paid to us by Social Security (or, you know, the unrealistic amount they believe is adequate). The truth is we will be retiring for three people, so that money goes toward that. I know it’s not your situation, but I think it helps to remember there will be a time they will have much more income than you and you aren’t being stingy by requiring a contribution. I can’t wait to read other suggestions/examples of how people make this work as it seems almost an inevitability for the foreseeable.
I’m quite a bit older than William, so my circumstances aren’t quite the same, but I’ve been living with my parents for the past year or so. It started as a temporary arrangement when I moved back to the US after living abroad for several years, then it took me much longer than expected to find a job, and now I have a job and can afford to move out (and will in the near-ish future), but haven’t yet for a variety of boring reasons.
I don’t pay rent to my parents. But since I’ve lived on my own before, I already learned the lesson about saving as much as I can, so I do that anyway. I’ve been putting the equivalent of what I’d normally spend on rent each month into savings, which has worked so far. I also have some necessary monthly expenses, a (self-imposed) budget for “fun money”, and I contribute toward any household expenses that my parents wouldn’t be paying for anyway if I wasn’t there. If I wasn’t making enough money to save the equivalent of monthly rent in my area, I guess I’d adjust that amount based on what I could realistically afford to save. (Again, this was all my choice — my parents don’t have An Official Policy. But if they did have An Official Policy, I imagine that it would be something like that.)
I also lived with my parents for a time when I was closer to William’s age. My parents didn’t charge me rent then either, but they did have a lot of conversations with me about responsible spending and saving. In hindsight, though, I think it would have been good for me to have some kind of required monthly budget, whether that meant paying rent or putting a certain amount into savings.
I own a car, so car-sharing isn’t an issue. I did just recently buy a new one, but my old one was on its last legs and my parents actively encouraged me to replace it. I’m trying to pay it off as quickly as possible, so a fair amount of my income will go toward that for the next while. In my early 20s, my mom let me use her old car as much as I wanted, although the title stayed in her name. I didn’t pay her for the car itself, but I paid for all car-related expenses while I was the only one driving it.
Some other ways that people I know have handled it:
My aunt’s policy was that her grown kids could live at home for free for as long as they were in school. Once they graduated, or if they chose not to go to college at all, she would charge them a (very reasonable) rent to continue living at home.
Another family I know made their young-adult son pay a small amount of rent while he lived with them, but they put all of it it into a savings account that went towards a down payment on an apartment.
Also probably relevant: I discuss any large/significant purchases or expenses with my parents beforehand — not because they’re in charge of my money, but because it feels like the right thing to do when I’m paying next to nothing to live with them.
When I bought my new car, for example, we had a lot of conversations about what features I was looking for and what my budget would be. (And the decision of whether to buy a car at all was a family discussion — it had been clear for awhile that I’d need to replace my car in the near future, but there was still some wiggle room in terms of when to actually bite the bullet.) The final decision was of course completely up to me, and I ended up with a car I love! But I also wanted to make sure that my parents and I were on the same page about what’s reasonable for my current situation. I’d hate for them to feel like I was carelessly spending money while taking advantage of their rent-free living space, so having those conversations avoided a lot of potential hard feelings.
What I would personally do in that situation:
1) Figure out a realistic independent adult budget for that child w/ their paycheck. What they would reasonably have to use for a rent situation, college loan repayment, groceries, etc, and how much they would be able to carve out for discretionary. Let’s say the rent and other costs that they are saving by living where I pay the mortgage, utilities, streaming services, etc comes to, say, $1000/mo.
2) Then I would have them contribute part of that $1000/mo to my own household budget, to cover the increased costs of an extra body in the house, and *require* them to use the rest for either early repayment of college loans, or an investment account for retirement or eventual home ownership down payment or similar.
My thinking:
I’ve been very clear with my kids that they can come back and live in this house post college, but it will be on my terms, not theirs. Amd my terms are, I’m not going to try to profit off you, but I don’t want living here to be *more* fun and comfortable than living elsewhere. So if you’re living here, you’re going to be required to be responsible about it. It’s still a better deal for a kid than handing all that money over to a landlord for rent, but it’s all deferred enjoyment.
“my terms are, I’m not going to try to profit off you, but I don’t want living here to be *more* fun and comfortable than living elsewhere.” THIS. My girls knew (know) that they always have a home, and/but that that home does come with an expected contribution, both monetary and physically doing things to help contribute to the good of the household.
With my youngest, it has worked out infinitely better for her to have her own (old and not quite shitty, but also not luxurious) apartment (we are in the same city,) to have bills in her own name, and to be the manager of her own funds. I offer to order her groceries and throw her some cash every few weeks ($100 or so) to help when I can, but she is the type who needs to do things on her own terms. Living at home and paying rent was not a good option for her because while fully capable, she would not take the initiative to assume that kind of responsibility on her own. She has been more motivated to save knowing what her monthly expenses really are, and she picks up an extra shift or babysits when she wants some extra money to go on a trip to visit friends or whatever. At 21 she is so much more financially stable than I was at 30. (Probably even 35, to be honest.)
My oldest took her first post-college job in a huge city 1000 miles away making $40k a year, and her rent was $900/month. It sucked, but her loans were income-based repayment, she budgeted and meal planned, and figured it out. If she had chosen to take a job here in our town, I’m sure she would have lived at home at least at first, and she would have been responsible for all of her personal bills (loans, phone, transportation/insurance, etc) and would have paid SOMETHING in rent/towards household expenses. I would have also expected her to show me proof that she was saving intentionally for her future, because while I love being with my girls, I do enjoy the natural boundaries that come with them living independently.
I think it really comes down to knowing your kid, and making sure that you are helping ease a burden when ease is needed, and letting them feel the burden when it’s time for that growth and responsibility.
I don’t know if this is an option for you, but I had a friend as a young adult who lived at home for several years to save money/ pay down debt. His mom charged him rent (less than a one bedroom but still not $0). He paid his mom the rent so that he was used to making a regular rent payment and budgeted accordingly. However, his mom basically saved all the money for him and turned it over to him when he moved out…I think it wound up being a good chunk of a down payment. At the time, I thought this was such a smart thing. You may not be in a position to do this but I thought it was such a smart way to get the kid to actually budget and not just coast at the parents’ but also to help them long term.
Also fwiw, I don’t know that I would try to get into the details of what else he does with his money between savings, spending, paying down debt, etc. I would definitely offer advice but he’s an adult and should do those things of his own volition.
I also think that if he wants to get his own place sooner rather than later, this problem might solve itself. He might already be planning to save a fair amount of his paycheck, and I don’t think you necessarily need to have a rule/policy if he’s motivated to handle this on his own. It might be worth seeing what he does when left to his own devices, and then adjusting the rules/expectations if you feel like you need to.
I was around William’s age and living with my parents when I got my first “grown-up” job. I was definitely a bit frivolous with my spending for the first couple pay cycles, because I’d never had access to that amount of money before and it was a thrill to be able to just go out and buy things. But then the novelty wore off, and I learned pretty quickly that I’d need to start saving if I ever wanted my own place.
I think I’d be tempted to have my kid get their own car/car insurance. That would be helpful for when they do move out. My mom was in the market for another car this week and for several reasons wanted something similar to what she had. She found a 2024 equinox with 50,000 miles for $24,000. A loan on something like that would be doable for a first job.
And then I think I’d charge 500-700 for rent.
I already talked about the car-ownership aspect of this in another comment, so maybe this is getting into overkill territory — but yes, I agree. It costs less than rent, but it’s a big enough purchase to feel like a real commitment, and he’ll likely need one anyway when he does move out. (And it’s a good idea to pay off as much of it as he can now, while his other expenses are fairly low.) Plus it answers the question of who pays for gas/insurance/repairs.
I like how you’ve thought through the percentages. I would add a “retirement investment” portion, as well, so that they not only have their launch fund but also have a great start at future financial security.
Do your kids pay student loans? Maybe they have to pay the amount determined (nearly $1k is what I read above) against their principle in addition to their monthly payment? That way they are still paying a lot out of their current check, but paying down their debt to help set them up for their future
My eldest is the same year as Elizabeth in school and several of her friends still live at home and do not pay rent. All are in community college but also working full time and I’m sometimes surprised the parents don’t ask for any rent/expenses at all. That said, my kid lives in a very high rent area ($1100/month plus utilities to share a room) and is in school full time with a part time job. We pay a portion of her rent out of her college savings. So who am I to say?
I really came here to second the comment about the Roth IRA–they should 100% be maxing that out each year regardless of what else they do. My parents were strict about that and their good advice put me in an truly enviable retirement position.
Maybe a gradual increase in a percentage of the bills he contributes to? Lower shares the first year so he understands what his financial output would be if he had a roommate, then higher shares of the bills the second year so he gets a sense of what it would be like to live independently.
Also, if he wants to save for a house and doesn’t have strong credit (in terms of longevity and score), having to go on his own cell phone plan and buy his own car/insurance will help build his score.
Another idea (if you don’t need the rent money from him) is to tell him that he needs to pay a certain amount extra each month on his student loads. That will also help his eventual launch.
Hello Friend!
My youngest moved back in with me in 2025, after finishing his 4-year stint in the Army. I gave him my old car, a 2009 Scion xd, because I now drive my mother’s car since we had to move her into assisted living. I made sure he put the car in his name and had him acquire his own car insurance. I am fortunate to not have a mortgage so, when I was determining what to charge him for living expenses, I added what I pay for property taxes, homeowner’s insurance, utilities (our garbage is included in the water/sewer/electric bill here) internet each month and divided it in half and that is what he pays. It is substantially lower than the going rate for rent where we live but gives him something to budget for and makes him conscious (somewhat!) of his spending. He buys his own groceries and also mows the lawn for me, which is great. Can’t say I love the clutter and mess that comes with having him as a roommate, but it is nice to have him close by after being overseas for 3.5 years!
Wendy!!! <3 <3 <3
My boys lived here for a year or so while working those first crap jobs. They did not choose to participate in household chores, so I charged them $500 a month, put it in savings and gave it to them when they moved out to cover first and last month’s rent. We live near Seattle, and housing is crazy expensive here. My daughter lived here longer due to covid, etc, but she helped a lot around the house and bought her own food. I didn’t charge her. I was always clear with all of them that I would charge much more if they weren’t working full time. They all eventually got better jobs and moved out and all three own condos now.
I don’t know whether this works out money wise, and it could be fairly outdated, but if you want to appeal to some kind of authority…30% of income is what typically gets used as the proportion of income that “should” go to housing. (And then for other expenses, maybe just divide by the number of people living in the house?). You didn’t specify what you planned to do with the money, but you could stowe all or most of it away for a future down payment if you were feeling generous, although this also depends a bit on whether you feel living at home and working is a noble, frugal choice that you want to support or a tiny bit of an imposition and you don’t want the kids who have fully launched to feel the situation is unfair. (I live in California, where living with parents to save for a down payment is one of the only ways anyone managed it). Also I think it matters what the job actually pays and how much the student loans are…is there a danger that he will grow accustomed to frequent European vacations if too much of his income is discretionary, or are we talking more about being able to afford Ben & Jerry’s instead of store brand? Is he in danger of having more discretionary income than you?
Hmm. I don’t think my situation will help that much. But I lived at home after college until I got married at 27. My parents didn’t charge me.. but they don’t have cable or public water/sewage so those bills weren’t an issue. I had to fund the rest of my life – gas, food, phone. I paid off my student loans. Then paid as I went to get a masters. And then paid for 80% of my wedding. For what it’s worth, I like the 50% savings, 25% household, 25% personal spend idea you had.
We have a 25 year old, working full time, at home with us, too. But his job is temporary– it will end in about two months. He’s never had a permanent, full-time job. He pays us $500 rent, which is a small fraction of what room and board would cost in the DC area. I was under the impression he was paying my wife a smaller amount during the months he’s unemployed/working the occasional gig job but I just found out he wasn’t. It was a misunderstanding between me and my wife. I want to revisit this when his current job ends. Also, if he ever gets something permanent (or what passes for permanent these days) I want to increase the amount. I don’t think he’s been paying enough, for all the reasons you cite. Plus, my wife retired early (too soon to take Social Security or her pension) so for this gap time, we’re living on my part-time income and savings.
On the plus side, we’ve been away a lot because of my mother-in-law’s health issues. In the past six weeks, we’ve only been home 3 days, so it’s been very helpful to have him at home, taking care of the cats and the garden and the lawn. That’s worth a lot. And even when we’re home, he does a lot of chores.
I lived with my parents for a year as an adult (during the pandemic, wasn’t comfortable living with roommates with varied caution levels). They didn’t charge me, but there were a few factors different than William’s, even beyond the whole COVID situation – (1) for a lot of it, I was still paying rent to my old apartment. (2) I had lived on my own for years at that point and had established good savings habits, etc. I also think it helped that it was not my childhood home (they had moved south when they retired) so it was easier to establish a new adult relationship.
I was fully responsible for dinner once or twice a week, and did a lot of dog walking and any physical chores that were getting beyond them. The only rules we had to newly establish were that they didn’t get to know where I was going all the time (in my own car), assuming I had met all our family COVID standards. Also, I had to tell them if I would be home for dinner by 4, and once I did that was a commitment to be there.
I definitely prefer establishing a rate for rent over using a percentage – because what if the next kid’s job pays half as much? Or twice as much? And I love the idea of returning it (or some of it) eventually, for a security deposit or down payment or wedding.
Whew, I apparently have many thoughts on this. My last one is that all my opinions are based on being someone who WANTED to move out. None of us were ever worried that I would stay there forever. That seems like a harder problem.
It seems like such a minor piece of this, but the dinner accept/decline/stick with response is super helpful! Love this!
Also…I think it is worth noting that – if I am remembering his major and college journey correctly – William is caught up in some world historical bad labor market luck here with what AI has done to entry-level computer science jobs. He worked hard, made rational decisions, has an older brother who had basically the same choices work out for him, and now he is having to deal with the unfairness of life for at least a little while. Inequities between adult siblings are tough and not always something parents can fix, but I think I might try to err on the side of making sure William feels respected as a responsible adult (unless I am forgetting him getting fired from a previous job for not showing up or something along those lines).
Yes I think it’s a great point to take all of this into consideration. I’d want to strike a balance with taking into account their mental health and helping to make their life.. somewhat enjoyable where I could. Things are just… hard out there. I want people to be able to enjoy living.
This is an interesting one. My oldest is 21 and has been able to move out into her own apartment. She did 3 years of tech school and is now a firefighter paramedic. I don’t really know what she does make but she did the math with my husband and has moved out! We didn’t charge her rent when she was living at home, because she was still in college and didn’t make much as a part time firefighter. We did eventually move some of the bills over to her – like her car insurance and her part of the phone bill, so she would get used to paying for those things.
We also have an almost 19 year old who is starting tech school for one year. Same thing with him – not charging rent because he doesn’t have a full time job. He’s been working fast food for 5 years and we did the same thing with him – having him save half of his money into savings – he was able to use a chunk of that to buy his Dad’s car. Now if after a year he does get a full time job in culinary (what he’s doing in school) I am not sure that he would be able to afford an apartment yet. I do agree that it makes sense to charge something for rent / lodging because I do think that otherwise the young adult would be spending a lot of fun money on things like eating out and whatever video games / entertainment they like and then that’s not sustainable when they actually have to pay all the bills.
As for what amount that is really hard to figure out. Like maybe half the amount that rent is around you? I would definitely have him pay the car insurance and phone bill and gas for the car used. I have also read about families that save the money paid by the child and then give it back to them once they move out for a house downpayment or for a wedding or whatever. I wonder if the young adults have heard about that and like how disappointing would it be to them to think that they might be getting it back in the future and then they don’t! I mean if you are paying a mortgage still and have car payments then it’s likely you actually can use the money.
I think it’s fine and good to have the conversation of “Now that you are working fulltime we need to discuss bills / rent / household financial responsibility.”
Such an interesting topic! Will cut my long thoughts short and just say that I appreciate your instincts to have an open and honest conversation. The ideas that some have shared of secretly keeping aside the money charged in rent sits uncomfortably with me. Of course I’m sure it’s a lovely surprise for those who are presented with the downpayment. But I think encouraging personal financial responsibility, and fostering openness in your relationship with your son is worth just as much, if not more.
My parents didn’t charge rent when I moved back after college in ’03 and stayed six years until I married. It was very much multigenerational living because my mom’s mom lived with us with dementia until her death. While living with them I worked full-time and paid for my own car and car insurance. Growing up my parents taught me to be very frugal and were glad I wanted to save for a downpayment instead of pay for apartment rent. I suppose this is similar to charging your kid “rent” and returning it to them when they do finally move out.
I’ve been enjoying reading the comments. So much depends on the kid, I think. Kid working full time and basically responsible? I’d ask them what their short, medium, long term plans are. For example, if I had a kid dedicated to paying off their student loans, or saving X amount for renting an apartment, or buying a house/condo, I could see forgoing rent in exchange for proof that money is going to loans, savings, what have you. I could see it as a gift towards helping them launch or explore dreams without going further in to debt. Now, if they were spending most of their money going out, or on clothes (unless needed for a new job, etc) I might feel differently.
I might be in the minority, but you mentioned significant loans. I also had the post-college period of financial strain, and I think financial literacy can be taught by having him greatly accelerate his repayment, so when he moves out he’s free of that burden. I know some people who charge rent, and keep it set aside, and give it back to the kid when they move out.
Agreed with this! I have a soon to be grad who may be moving home and I am more concerned about her significantly paying down (or off) her student loans. To not be saddled with that debt is a big helping hand.
+1 – I don’t know how USA student loans work, but assuming that they start getting charged interest once they’re working full time, I think that should be a big priority. If they can pay the loans down faster, that can mean much less interest paid, which is basically just more money in the bank.
I moved back in with my parents after college in 2004. I had my first full time teaching job and my yearly salary was approximately the same as my student loan balance. My parents allowed me to put every penny of my paychecks towards my loans and I had them paid off by the next summer. That was an incredible gift to be able to be loan free and I am so thankful they allowed me to live with them rent free. Attack the loans! :)
This is very good. Yes – putting all the money to any debts makes good sense and was a wonderful gift from your parents.
I just want to say, along the lines of what Elizabeth said, that it should be very clear to all the siblings what the expectations will be for them too. Not just a quiet arrangement, but clearly discussed. My parents were all over the place with some siblings being charged rent while others got their tuition paid for and got a car (!!), and others had to buy their own food. It caused a lot of resentment when this was revealed, that some kids has been hugely supported while others were charged. Trying to make a fair plan that everyone is aware of will help avoid this.
So I am torn somewhere between “I don’t love that you thought I needed to be told this” and “But there WILL be different situations!” Like, I don’t need to be told not to treat my kids wildly differently based on favoritism or capriciousness. But I AM inclined to keep the specific arrangements private and personal (while keeping the General Expectations public and known), because one kid might be making a teacher’s salary and one kid might be making five times more; one kid might have more student loans because of a longer and/or more expensive degree and another kid might get a big scholarship for something niche with a lot of funding available; one kid might have a medical situation that puts them in a different realm of ability and circumstance; one kid might graduate into an employment era eight years ahead of another kid’s totally different employment era; one kid might get a remote job while another kid might NEED a car to work; etc. If I have learned anything from parenting, it’s that different kids need different things, and different kids have different expenses. But you don’t need to worry that I am going to let one kid live rent-free and give them a car and pay for all their expenses, and make another kid in the same situation pay rent and buy their own car and pay for their own expenses.
Agreed for this situation, specifically. The Fair Doesn’t Mean Equal concept.
Oh, yes – definitely do not take my comment to be at you specifically. More at “anyone on the internet who ends up reading this”! As someone with great, fair parents, I have been shocked by the stories of a couple of friends.
I’m 68 so the 1970s & 80s were a long time ago. However, what my mom did once I graduated high school was tell me if I was working, I needed to “pay rent”. If I was going to college full time, she’d figure out something else. I ended up working & going to community college at night. So based on what I was making at the time (boy were wages low back then), I needed to put 50% of my take home in the bank & could not touch it. Or if I wanted to buy something (a TV of my own, etc.), & did not put the entire amount in the bank, then I paid $20 rent to her & didn’t get that back. It was week to week & allowed me to buy things I needed for when I moved out, plus have rent available. Once I moved into my own place, I had a fulll set of dishes, silverware, pots & pans, plus brand new towels & sheets for my new apartment. These were bought with my 50%. The money in my savings account that I couldn’t touch, was enough to pay 1st & last months rent on my 1 bedroom apartment, plus turn on all the utilities & have a little left ovrer for an emergeny. Don’t know if that would work these days, but I lived at home until just after I turned 21, and I knew I could afford to move out & pay rent, so 3 years of saving money.
My brother who is in his mid-30s lives with my parents and has since he graduated. He is charged rent – he pays slightly more than it would cost to rent an apartment with roommates, but his rent is more room and board than straight rent. They live in a small town without public transit, and he can’t drive for medical reasons, so my parents also give him rides.
My 20 yr old son is an apprentice in the electrician’s union. He did not want to attend college. He earns $18/hr. He lives in our basement, which does not have a bathroom, but he has plenty of room down there. Because I like to do it, I do all the laundry and the shopping and cooking in this house. He brings breakfast and lunch to work. I prepare the food, because I have to do it for his younger brother anyway.
He pays me $100/week for utilities, food, laundry, streaming services we share. We both find that agreeable. There was a time he desparately wanted to move to an apartment with a friend, but he says now that he sees how much I do for him, he is in no hurry to pay a bunch of rent AND do all the laundry, cleaning, etc on his own.
My parents charged me rent the week after I graduated college and I lived in a tiny little bedroom AND paid to get my own land line in my room (this was early 90s) They didnt want me too comfortable I guess. Joke was on them, I moved 1000 miles away 32 years ago.
I don’t know the particulars of your son’s situation, but based on his age I imagine he’s already been graduated and living at home for 3 or so years. It might be a little jarring to suddenly begin charging room and board after so much time has passed. However, I think it is fair to have him cover all of his other expenses. For example: getting his own car, covering that insurance/registration/maintenance, paying for his phone, buying groceries for anything special/specific that he wants outside of the family groceries etc.
I’ve done things differently to most of you – in the UK, so student loans work differently, and less onerous to pay back (at least until earning more). I told my three adult returner kids that they didn’t need to pay anything to live at home (I don’t need the money / they’re well aware of that). I told them, individually and collectively, that they were (now) old enough to manage their money by themselves, and that I expected them to *not* spend beyond reason on frivolous things for themselves; and to save for future demands, including buying / renting their own places in future. I also told them that if they wished to contribute to the household budget, either directly or by paying for household food / fuel for the car; or else by doing chores (free household labour!), I would be delighted by that. But I placed no expectations on them, and hoped that I’d raised them well enough that they’d be responsible but also thoughtful. And it worked! My two boys now 33 & 31 lived at home off and on for a few years, paid when they could / saved / bought old not flashy cars; cooked and did garden and DIY stuff for me. Then they moved out and are doing well in their own homes. My daughter (now 29) is still at home, after a difficult educational experience, but now in her final year of university. Throughout, she’s saved, contributed, and has a healthy amount ready for when she’s emotionally wanting to finally leave home. This worked for us – but it’s very dependent on what kind of children you have / what your own financial circumstances are.
I feel like one thing that hasn’t been mentioned and that is also important is the fact how much you could even afford to let them stay rent free. Also for different kids your income situation might be different, i.e. if you are retired.
I have nothing to add to this conversation of any value but I think you are an amazing parent for thinking this all through so carefully! KUDOS TO YOU!
I lived with my parents in the early 2020s and at the time I didn’t really have any expensive hobbies except eating out, which I was rarely doing when living with my parents, so the agreement was that I would pay for my transport to/from work and otherwise the vast majority of my income would be saved for a down payment.
This was meant to last only a few months – when I graduated in 2019 I had almost all the money I would need for a down payment, so the plan was to save until, say, late March 2020, when I would be done with Big Time Consuming Thing and could devote time to condo hunting.
Needless to say, I did not spend late March 2020 looking for a condo.
Anyways, we kinda just continued with that plan until 2022, at which point it was obvious that a) I was much farther from a down payment than I had been in 2019, and b) house prices were increasing faster than I could save even when saving almost all my income. I was lucky to be in a spot where my parents were both willing and financially able to gift me the remaining money for the down payment so I could finally buy that condo…
I have lived at home several times for a couple years but each time was because I had some kind of catastrophe (new car totaled, landlord decided to sell my affordable house, medical issue that meant I couldn’t work) so they never charged me anything because I needed every penny to fix those situations. I have paid for my own expenses like car insurance, phone etc. since I was 18 (even in college, I waited tables). I also did a lot of chores around the house, cooked frequently, and did most of the errands since I had more free time.
It was very hard on all of us because I was so used to being on my own, but we got through it
I have moved back home twice. Once after graduating college in 1998 and once with my husband and children when we were in the process of relocating back to the area. The first time, the agreement was that I could live at home rent free (in a shared room with my sister) for 6-months. After the 6 months we would discuss how to continue, but that timeline was enough for me to find a place I could afford on my own and move out. It was a different time. Also sharing with your sibling as a young adult is not ideal.
In 2013, we stayed with my parents for 3 months until we found jobs and our own home. The agreement at that time was that we paid for a bi-monthly cleaning service and we bought groceries every other week for the entire household. I was also added to the dinner cooking rotation and did chores and ran errands for the household. It was very generous of my parents. My husband loved the arrangement and didn’t want to leave. Lol!