I need a mildly dressy outfit for an upcoming restaurant situation, and I hate clothes-shopping. I was shopping online at Old Navy for other things (I need longer sweatpants—the ones I’ve been wearing are capri-length, and my full-length ones are too small), and saw a bunch of new arrivals that looked really good to me AND they were on sale. I bought this outfit:

The reviews for the pants were so good! And you can’t tell from that little picture, but the pants are a cool classy autumnal plaid:

After I placed the order, I realized that several of the reviews had been from teachers saying these were such good teaching pants. I further realized that on my frame, the pants were not going to look coolly slouchy and elegant like they did on the model, and in fact I was probably going to look like a teacher, and that that would not be the right look for the restaurant. But I figured they’d be good for whatever my next job would be. Maybe I will be a substitute teacher, or a receptionist, and they will be perfect for that! Also, I look cute in polo shirts and keyhole necklines, so at least I’d have the shirt to wear with something else if the pants didn’t work out. And the shirt was available in Tall, so I would not have to accidentally peep my midriff like the poor model!

Then I ordered this bell-sleeved lace cardigan, figuring it would be good for dressying up some of my less-dressy clothes; maybe it would work with the pants, or with one of my skirts, or I could wear it over one of my frumpy shapeless dresses to give it some shape/style:

And oh! This shirt/blouse would be perfect with the two skirts I have that don’t go with anything, and maybe also with the pants if the polo doesn’t work out! I bought it in two colors, wine and black:

While I was at it, I got another pair of jeans, because I hate all my jeans, and these look like the ones I used to have that I didn’t hate as much, and so I wore them until they unfortunately wore out:

 

I was really excited about this order! And it was a disaster. I tried on everything tonight, and it was the kind of try-on session where you go into it thinking “It’s about whether the clothes work for my body, not the other way around!,” and you come out of it thinking “Sure, for other people, but in this case the problem is clearly me and my misshapen, impossible body. Also I regret my haircut, my glasses, and my posture.”

The elegant slouchy plaid pants were shapeless, bunchy, unflattering, and several inches too long. They felt too big, but not in a way that ordering a size smaller would fix.

The polo—I don’t know how even a size 2 model made that look anything less than frumpy. I even tried it on a second time, thinking it COULDN’T have been that bad, but it was. I looked like those photos of moms in the ’70s smoking cigarettes and having bad haircuts and being depressed.

The lace cardigan was frumpy and also was not a cardigan (it didn’t claim to be one; I’d inadvertently assumed it opened up the front); and I didn’t look at the fabric content but it was astonishingly HOT: I thought I was having a stress hot-flash, but no, it was the cardigan. (I looked it up just now: 97% polyester, 3% spandex.)

The ruffle-neck blouses made me look like my grandmother on her frumpiest day. I could not believe how badly they fit and how they emphasized everything I would want to de-emphasize, while fully failing to emphasize anything I have going for me.

And the jeans were no worse than any of the other jeans I already have and don’t like, except that the pockets were like three inches deep. ALL PANTS POCKETS must be deep enough for a PHONE, and that is the RULE.

And then, just to add to the disaster, the boring comfy sweatpants I bought for walking (not pictured, because they were too boring), which DO NOT HAVE TO LOOK FASHIONABLE, also looked frumpy and baggy and made me feel bad. I do not CARE what I look like on my walks!! But these sweatpants looked bad enough that they MADE me care.

 

I’m going to take a minute to recommend the capri-length sweatpants I’ve been wearing, because I DO feel cute in those, AND I have just noticed they come in a full-length version, so I’m going to order those and return the Old Navy ones.

I bought these when I was going to physical therapy for my knee and wanted something to wear that was not pajama bottoms (though I also did feel free to wear pajama bottoms). When I wear them now for my morning walks, I feel cute and sporty. And they have pockets that can hold a phone—not generously, but the phone does not fall out. They have a working drawstring; I have tied a knot on each end, because otherwise one or the other disappears within the drawstring tunnel. For sizing: I am currently wearing an 18/20 (non-W) in jeans/capris and I have these in an XXL and they are at the upper limit of perfect: not baggy or roomy at all, but the snugness looks right for workout apparel; I bought them when I was wearing more like a 16 and they were also perfect at that size but, as you’d imagine, a somewhat less-fitted perfect fit.

Talking about these cute capri sweatpants is making me feel a little better. THEY look cute on me! Maybe I will also find restaurant clothes that look cute on me.

But on the other hand, when I needed a dress for one of Paul’s work events a few years ago, I went shopping with a fashionable friend and we went to like eight different stores and I tried on like 50 dresses and dressy outfits, and only one was even remotely okay, and now it’s too small, and also in my memory I looked silly. So. I mean, that’s why I tried pants this time! And a blouse for the skirts I have that are okay! But FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE! I look terrible in all clothes!!!

Perhaps I will wear the cute capri sweatpants. Oh! I can wear them with my unexpectedly-flattering champagne-sequined tank-top!