We have been undergoing a consuming and distracting Edward Medical Situation (Crohn’s-related) this past week, and things are finally improving: procedure done, fever gone, color restored, eating and drinking normally.
Edward is scheduled to have intestinal surgery (normal for Crohn’s patients, but this is his first so I’m pretty nervous) in August. Because of this recent episode, his doctors are trying to get that surgery moved earlier, but there is not much hope of that: even the August date was lucky, considering they originally said breezily they could do it in May so he could have the summer to recover, and then the actual first available date was two weeks before he goes back to college; if anything goes wrong with THAT date, we have to wait for winter break.
In the meantime, Edward’s doctors are determined to build a nutritional buffer: the surgical recovery will be depleting, and Edward already has trouble with medication compliance and with forcing himself to eat more than he wants. (Boy, I do remember how hard that was when I was pregnant with the twins and was supposed to eat LOTS MORE: it SEEMS like it would be such a TREAT to be told to EAT MORE, but there is a limit, and that limit was much sooner than I expected.) So Edward suddenly has a bunch of new vitamin prescriptions, and will also be having an iron infusion, which is not something he’s had before. Apparently it takes about an hour and a half, and then you have to stick around for another half hour to be observed. Edward is also supposed to drink a prescription Ensure/Boost-type drink once a day.
I am hoping we can sustain the necessary momentum to create this buffer. Edward is a grown adult (not just 18 but 21), and this is a difficult stage for figuring out the parental role: I’m NOT in charge of him anymore, and he SHOULD be picking up these responsibilities himself (and NEEDS to)—and yet, if he is NOT MANAGING TO DO SO, it feels like there is room for a parent to offer help; even at my age, I feel like I can ask my parents for help. But that transitional gap between childhood and adulthood, when the developmental schedule calls for the child to separate from parents—I did not, during that time, want to ask my parents for help. And of course I don’t want to INTERFERE with that developmentally-necessary stage.
That’s how I put it all to Edward, and he has agreed that for this pre-surgery interval I am allowed to get real managerial and pushy about the medications and supplements: not because I am the boss of him, but because he would like some temporary help. We have some time set aside today to fill up a daily pill container. And every evening I am delivering to him one of the nutritional drinks, with a bendy straw.
I’m proud of you for acknowledging Edward’s adulthood and having a conversation! I’m also proud of Edward for acknowledging that you might be able to help him temporarily. And I’m also also happy that both of you acknowledge that bendy straws are great and ageless!
This is so beautiful it has made me cry. As a very much grown up adult now, my parents have done, and continue to do, the same for me as you are doing for Edward. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness in my early twenties and now twenty years on, my parents still manage to support and help in a way that gives me dignity.
You are a light for your family and your son. I’m so glad you have this time together over the break when you’d otherwise might have been working. I’m not sure if anything is ever “meant to be”, but we sure can be glad that some things are the way they are!
Wishing you and Edward strength and courage as you navigate this unusual situation. I hope you’re also able to find and make happy moments in between.
It is my heartfelt belief, as the mother of daughters in their mid-20s, that parenting young adults is so much harder than parenting small children. Small ones can be exhausting, but as they get bigger so do their problems–and those problems can be life-changing.
It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job navigating that fine line between “I AM YOUR MOTHER” and “I just want to help my grown-up/child” and I hope that Edward will continue to welcome your help. One of my daughters has ulcerative colitis and we scour every photo she sends to try to determine if she is eating enough, while also trying to Be Chill About It. Ugh.
Here is hoping that the surgery goes as planned, when planned, and that his recovery is smooth and successful. <3
Yes – fully agree that parenting young adults is harder than parenting small children.
yikes.
Hope you and Edward continue to sort this out. The fact that you are talking it out is already about 95% of the battle. Well done!
I was JUST talking to someone today about this– that it’s hard to know how much to push with adult kids. Mine are 19 and 22. Both are needing some help at the moment. So I venture a toe into the waters, then let it go. A little suggestion here, a question there, with lots of Letting It Be in between. It’s not easy.
Good luck with the surgery, and with building up the nutritional buffer in the meantime!