Hi Swistle,
I feel like you would have a good response for this (future blog post??), and would absolutely value your thoughts here.
I think similarly to you, I had a Christian background, and (maybe not similar to you here!) in turn I kind of had a Christmas Smugness. “We only celebrate the True Meaning of Christmas in this household! Sure, we will exchange gifts and prepare Christmas brunch and enjoy the speckles of Christmas lights on neighbourhood houses…but it is because of Right Jesus Reasons, not because of Commercialism and, um, Other Secular Reasons.”
And now (for the last few years, actually), the Christian faith doesn’t resonate with me or my husband anymore. While that generally feels GOOD (it is freeing to be able to disengage with faith that doesn’t feel right anymore!), I maybe need a re-frame around Christmas?
Instead of True Meaning, I am left with “I guess we do this because it is fun?” I don’t know, it just feels shallow, compared to the concept of TRUE MEANING! Did you go through a similar transition or thought process? Find beauty in Delight for the Sake of Delight?
Thanks for any thoughts and guidance you can provide, if you have the capacity to do so. :)
With gratitude,
Maureen
This email arrived well over a year ago, and I’ve had it open on my desktop ever since, periodically re-reading it and hoping an answer will start composing itself in my mind.
It’s definitely an issue I struggle with, more some years than others. Sometimes I will get a kind of bottom-dropping-out feeling, a nauseated “Wait: are we doing this just to do this?” Like, are we just spending all this time and money in order to spend the time and money? Why am I putting a tree in my house?? WHY DO WE SPEND A WHOLE MONTH ON THIS EVERY YEAR???
Like your family, my family growing up used to do all the “secular” Christmas things, but because they were twisted together with religious observation (special church rituals and sermons, special at-home Advent rituals, setting up a nativity scene, sending cards with religious sentiments, etc.), it felt as if it were all part of the same REAL Christmas celebration. Particularly because we were in that subcategory of Christian families that rejects the whole Santa story and only tells the Baby Jesus story; and we celebrated “the secular part” of Christmas on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas Day.
I am still working on what to do now that I’ve untwined those two parts of Christmas. I don’t mind telling you that I miss the special church things: the pastor each week gradually setting the scene and telling the story; the discussion of the Advent season; the lighting of the Advent candles. I miss the candlelight Christmas Eve service. I miss the feeling that it’s ABOUT something. I miss the nativity scene. Some of your kind souls are rising up to tell me I can still participate in those things if I want to. And I know I could. But it wouldn’t work for me. It would be like getting a divorce and then, for comfort, sometimes pretending to be married to some random man: going to a stage set designed to look like a home we might share; having fake conversations with him about bills and our imaginary kids; sitting together at a table eating a pretend meal.
What I have tried to do, and it’s a work in progress, is build a new Christmas structure that supports itself without having to lean on the Baby Jesus. I guess it’s kind of like saying YES, we DO do this just to do this. I haven’t done any good research on this myself, but my general understanding is that the original holiday was a festival for the winter solstice, and some celebrations involved some deities and some didn’t, but the real reason seems to have been to have a big happy lit party in the darkest part of the year. That’s a cause I can get behind. Christians came along much much later and made the holiday about the birth of their own deity, but we can just Let Them, without doing that ourselves.
This whole thing reminds me of how I had to reconfigure Valentine’s Day. I was disappointed every year for decades, and at some point I thought, “Wait, why do I keep letting Some Unenthusiastic Guy determine how my Valentine’s Day goes?” I shifted my entire way of celebrating: I leaned away from the romantic vibes and into the love-of-all-kinds vibes; I made it more about giving things to the kids and to my friends and coworkers; I buy myself a pretty heart-shaped box of chocolates if I want one; I drink my coffee out of a heart mug all during February; I decorate my little pre-lit birch tree with heart ornaments; I think of it as a time to get some pink/red/hearts into all that dreary white/grey/slush, and as a happy little holiday helping us to make it through that last part of winter before the bulb flowers start coming up.
I’m working on doing something similar with Christmas. I’m trying to focus on the fun I have sending/receiving cards; the fun I have shopping for other people; the many opportunities for generosity; the opportunity to spend time together; the beautiful lights on the beautiful tree; the seasonal Trader Joe’s stuff; the Christmas puzzle; drinking coffee out of a Christmas mug every morning; listening to Christmas music; getting an amaryllis bulb (thank you to my mom’s friend Donna for starting us on that!) and a fun advent/countdown calendar and pine-scented hand soap; dressing my Pokemon Go avatar in a Santa hat and giving her a reindeer buddy; etc. Not just the STUFF of Christmas, even though this absolutely looks like I just made a list of stuff, but more about the feelings connected to the stuff and the meanings behind the stuff: the rituals, the generosity, the familiar symbols, the familiar recipes, the reaching-out-to-others, the remembering-others, the happy glow in dark cold times. The feeling that everything is extra-special this month.
And we’ve gradually been changing some of the rituals we grew up with. We’re having Christmas on Christmas Day morning now, which has been a refreshing reboot. We go on a Christmas-lights-viewing drive every year on Christmas Eve. We’re adding new rituals, such as buying gifts for a couple of kids through a local charity program, and going each year to a tree raffle that raises money for charity, and also sending checks directly to charities. (I know they get a lot of money at Christmas and could use help throughout the year; my feeling is that they can chuck that extra Christmas money into savings and withdraw it in August if that’s when they need it. It feels good and glowy to give money at Christmas and I’m keeping that.) We donate groceries to food pantries, and I like to include packages of holiday cookies and holiday teas. We’ve added lots and lots of Christmas movies and TV episodes to our rotation, and we watch them for most of December. I’m working up to it gradually, but I’ve been THINKING about maybe going to a Christmas concert or performance each year. (I get so overwhelmed with ticket-choosing/buying, driving, parking, the iffy weather conditions making everything more complicated.)
And so on. Each year I’m trying to weave in more things that make Christmas feel meaningful and special. It doesn’t have to be Baby-Jesus Special: it can be special in itself. It WAS special in itself, BEFORE the Baby Jesus; it can be special in itself, after.
I did not grow up as (nor am I) a Christian except in the sense that in a largely secular family we observe (-ish) the Christian traditions, i.e., we get together on Christmas and Easter and some weddings and funerals are held in a Christian church or in the Christian tradition, so I’m no help on that.
But I do remember thinking during the pandemic when so much of the routine of our lives was disrupted or removed entirely that it was not hard to see why for much of human history practices such as joining together in person with one’s (faith) community on a regular (weekly?) basis and engaging in certain shared practices in that setting, and then having larger shared events (holidays) that came on a regular schedule and that one prepared for and then participated in and then unwound from might contribute to maintaining sanity and a functioning society. Obviously a gross oversimplification and not specific to Christianity even if (in addition to other important aspects) it is one example of such things.
Not sure if that’s at all helpful or relevant, but in spite of not celebrating much of the Christ in Christmas (though in spite of not being a Christian I do try to remember what Christ stands for and why and how we might value those things, given that I’m joining with others in celebrating his birth … at roughly the time of the solstice (and almost certainly, as far as I have been taught, not the likely time of his birth)) … I do see the value in the shared celebrations more fully after 2020.
Hm. I still go to church and LOVE the choir; and just .. don’t think about any of it, and tell my teens of course they don’t have to believe. But I really really appreciate this question and your thoughtful response.
I didn’t have any sort of big transition away from religion, more a gradual falling away, but it once was a part of my life and now it isn’t so this resonates very strongly. I love your take on it, Swistle. Thank you so much.
I have always done secular Christmas, and I just recently had a run in with some members of a club I am a part of because they COULD NOT IMAGINE secular Christmas, and this helps me put myself in their shoes a little better. Kind of.
(Our town has an annual Christmas tree display, and they wanted to put Mary & Joseph on the club’s tree but in like a fun, maybe a little bit irreverent way? And my immediate reaction was that no, the tree is secular because we are 20 people who have never discussed religion and now is not the time to figure out who feels strongly about no religious symbolism vs. only the very most reverent religious symbolism vs. who knows what. But they really just couldn’t imagine a Christmas tree being secular.)
This is fascinating. The tree is 100% secular! Like bunnies and eggs at Easter. All of those things have nothing to do with a dude from Bethlehem and likely pre-date him by A LOT (though maybe less so in the middle east? Idk anyting about how their seasons work).
This is so fascinating to me as a person raised in a secular household (FWIW though my husband is half Jewish, half catholic and was raised catholic and went to catholic high school, but is now v atheist so it’s different for him).
I agree with everything you say Swistle. I lean hard into Christmas for a few reasons:
1. It’s a time of light in a literally v dark period of the year. We live in rainy north west England and we basically won’t see proper daylight again until late March so the pagan element is very appealing. We go full hygge with Christmas lights and candles and cosiness.
2. It’s a time for family and friends: we spend alternate Christmas years with my extended family including my siblings and nieces which is special to me, and when I travel back for that I get to see more of my school friends than I ever usually do. I have a night out with my local parent friends, spend NY with friends – it’s quality time with people I’m often too rushed to really hang out with.
3. My kids are 10 and 6 so at the moment I’m in the stage of life where it’s all about making CORE MEMORIES for them. Building little family traditions that they’ll hopefully look back on happily as adults (although who knows, right?) like foliage collecting for the Christmas tablescape, the Christmas book advent calendar I wrap every year, going to visit the seal pups on the beach if it’s a Christmas when we’re visiting my parents, etc.
4. Taking the time to try and teach my kids by example. We always donate food to the local food pantry at Christmas and toys to a local toy drive. And our elf on the shelf (mixed feelings on the elf….) always does some prompts focused on kindness and giving. Obviously we do try and model our values all year but Christmas is a good window to highlight them, if that makes sense?
Also I am a gift giver. Like a really good one. I take great pride in buying gifts or experiences the people I love will genuinely enjoy and use, and I guess it’s my love language – I want people to feel seen and appreciated. This probably stems from my mother, who views gift giving as a ‘right, that’s ticked off. It’s not what they asked for but this one was on sale and I’ve got a lot to do!’
But also I lean on the side of not having an issue with a few religious elements cropping up, for example my daughter sang with the school choir in our local church over the weekend, and once or twice we’ve been to a Christingle service with the kids. I’m so not religious though that I see those more as cultural forays for my life to have a deeper understanding of what different people do at this time of year? Same as lighting the menorah when my FIL (also not religious!) visits at this time of year.
I grew up in an agnostic family and I’ve been an atheist since I was nine years old and having been given the opportunity to choose for myself, I did. So I don’t have the striking contrast between childhood Christmas memories and how I celebrate it now. I do appreciate the pagan roots of the holiday, but I also like the Christmas story, as a story. I used to tell my kids it’s about how every baby has the potential to grow up and be someone who saves the world.
This is all so FASCINATING. I know this isn’t the point of your post but I wanted to respond to the little bit about “for comfort, pretending to be married” bit. I grew up in a fundamentalist home (we didn’t have a tree or santa although we did do small gifts) and I am both progressive and agnostic now. And I go to church and sing the songs and enjoy it and yes, it brings me comfort. My mental framing is that I’m “culturally christian” and it is a time of quiet and stillness, like a meditation practice almost. Sometimes I think of it as “cosplaying” religion. It’s not like I’m pretending to be married to a “random” man. I’m pretending to be married to the same man and it does bring comfort. We broke up but we stayed friends and can see each other for old times sake! My childhood friends who grew up with me and think of their religious upbringing as damaging or traumatic, can’t go back and pretend. I don’t feel I experienced trauma, I feel like I walked away from the parts that didn’t serve me but feel EXTREMELY lucky that I am able to keep the parts that did.
An intentionally-lapsed christian myself, I think of the holiday season as time with family and a much-needed festival of lights (so to speak) in the darkest days of the year. Religion is woven to the celebrations in a complicated manner – I go with my parents to church because it’s important time with them. They know I am not religious, but the service has cute kids and the church is pretty with candles and poinsettias. My sister’s husband’s family is Jewish and she converted. Its caused some family stress over the years about how to celebrate religious holidays in a secular way (not offending some) and also be together in a joyful way. Now a days we’ve boiled it down to family meals together and exchanging general ‘holiday’ gifts. We pretty much label it Christ-makkuh and anything goes – latkes on Christmas, yes, please!
OOF. I have *struggled* with this the past three years and I so appreciate hearing your viewpoint on it. I grew up in a very religious household but my religious tradition, although Christian, did not celebrate Christ’s birth on Christmas–“we don’t know for sure when he was born and we should celebrate it every day,” was the party line. In my 40s my husband and I moved away from that tradition into the celebrating-Jesus’-birth type of Christmas and I LEANED IN. Advent candles! Christmas Eve service! All the songs! My husband was a pastor and I sometimes got to participate in the service, and regularly cried while I read my part. I loved it so much.
And then we decided to leave paid ministry due to horrible burnout and also due to the slow-burning deconstruction of faith we were both going through. We still believe, but only barely, and not enough to celebrate CHRISTmas. Certainly not enough to step back into a church, not in these times.
So here we are, wondering what it is really about after all that. I have no input to offer here but am so grateful to have a place where I can spill my heart like this and know someone will understand. (maybe that’s the real meaning of Christmas?) xoxo
That sounds like so much to deal with when it’s your community and your job as well as your faith all going through such seismic changes. I can only imagine how many seemingly small things must trip you up and bring up emotions.
This comment itself brought up emotions–thank you!! You made me feel really seen. It’s such a weird place to be and neither of us have really found our footing yet.
Oh, SAME HERE!! I felt like waving my hands in the air when I read your comment. ME TOO!! Former pastor’s wife (still wife, but he’s not in the ministry anymore, for all the reasons you articulated). And while one child has happily welcomed us to the “other side”, the eldest still attends. There’s so much to sort through, from nostalgia and tradition to family patterns, etc. etc. I also loved this conversation and keep watching for more updates.
Hi!!!! It’s all so complicated, isn’t it? One of my children is about to marry someone from a Muslim family and that brings up a Lot of Thoughts about real feelings on religion vs lip service, and the other doesn’t attend church any more but asked to lead a prayer over our Thanksgiving dinner. It’s a wild mess over here and the parts of me that still believe in God are hopeful that he’ll extend some grace.
I am very curious what a pastor does when he stops being a pastor.
And also, the song from White Christmas popped into my head. It’s likely stuck. Apologies! “What do you do with a general when he stops being a general?”
I was brought up Lutheran, and I feel like I had a good mix of religious and secular traditions. I don’t know, I kind of think of Christmas as a way to bring light to the darkest part of the year, as something to look forward to when the days are short and dark. It’s a good way to celebrate humanity and love. That’s how I see it, even if I’m not a church-goer anymore, there’s still a lot of value in the shared celebration. xo
A step we took in blending our atheism with our wanting to participate in the season was figuring out how to approach Santa Claus. We had a couple of child-friendly stories of the stockings/St. Nicholas origin and read those regularly in the lead up. Our kids (14, 16, and 18) got and still get stockings filled and a gift from St. Nick. But in the spirit of his giving-people-what-they-needed-without-implied-reciprocity, the gifts from St. Nick are mostly “things you need,” e.g., socks/underwear/toiletries/school supplies. Necessities, but maybe some are a little nicer than mom and dad would usually provide. Plus a small amount of candy. Anyway, the kids learned why a common Christmas tradition exists and some meaning/values we can take from it.
We attend Christmas Eve service with my family every year at the church in my hometown, where my great grandparents were married and where and all of their descendents have been christened. The generation above me are still active congregants there. So, it’s a place of family history significance, whether or not I am a believer. We also all love the music and do not struggle with the religious themes.
I’m an atheist and was brought up in an atheist family, but my husband is Christian, so this is something I’ve thought about a lot over the years. Also I live in the southern hemisphere, so all the stuff about bringing light to the darkest part of the year doesn’t apply. Also I don’t have kids and sometimes it feels weird to go to a lot of effort just for the two of us. I don’t really have an answer either.
I would love to know what Christmas movies you recommend!
If you want to incorporate a holiday performance into your tradition, might I humbly suggest seeking out a local community orchestra? I totally get your concerns about parking, etc (as a member of a community orchestra, I have these same concerns, of course we don’t OWN a venue, so we’re all over the place), but such concerts are an inexpensive way to get some holiday cheer. Some are even free! I LOVE playing holiday concerts, because the audience is always excited to hear music they know, and we can feel your excitement on the stage. Ours is this weekend, and we’re playing a mashup of Stars and Stripes Forever and Jingle Bells. You’re welcome.
Oh, that was delightful—and I surprised myself by getting a little choked up near the end!
I’m a few days late to the party here, but this topic is really interesting to me as someone who has only ever celebrated “secular Christmas.” For some background, my dad was raised in a very Catholic household but left the church as an adult, and my mom was raised in a part-Jewish-part-atheist family. (My maternal grandfather was raised Jewish but stopped practicing when he married my grandmother.) My mom celebrated Christmas growing up, but it was secular to an almost comical degree: for instance, my grandmother would buy angel tree toppers and cut the wings off, because she liked the dolls but ANGELS AREN’T REAL. (My parents still have one of her angel-without-wings tree toppers and use it every year. It’s pretty much crumbling to dust at this point, but how could we get rid of it?)
For the past few years, we’ve celebrated Christmas with my Jewish aunt and cousins. (In years when Hanukkah overlaps with Christmas, we’ll have latkes for Christmas dinner and light the menorah afterwards.) It started a few years ago because most of my Christmas-celebrating extended family is no longer local, but my parents and I didn’t want to spend Christmas with just the three of us, so it kind of morphed into a Generic Holiday Celebration for us, my aunt and cousins, and whatever other family is in town that year. It’s a good time to get together because everybody has the day off work, and it’s nice to have a celebration in the middle of an otherwise-bleak winter, regardless of the “reason for the season. (I should mention that my Jewish family members are fully on board with this tradition. I also know that many people who don’t celebrate Christmas prefer not to participate in anything Christmas-related at all, and that’s also completely understandable. If my family members weren’t okay with it, we’d absolutely do something else.)
This is only tangentially related, but if you ever need an idea for a post topic, I’d love a report on how the Christmas morning celebration has been working for your family! Your post asking for advice the first time you tried it was such a delight to read. I hadn’t realized you’d kept up the tradition since then!