My positive PCR test was Thursday (results came back Saturday), so today is…well, Paul’s workplace calls the day of the positive test Day Zero, so let’s use that way of counting, so then today is Monday and also Day Four. I am still not particularly sick. If I hadn’t had a positive test result, I would still consider this to be at “probably allergies/reflux” levels: just an irritating little cough, easily taken care of with tea and/or cough drops. I hesitate to waste the rapid tests; I also kind of want to take one every single day as if to say “NOW are you showing the positive??? NOW are you???”
Speaking of rapid tests, I don’t know if you know this but some health insurance companies are covering a certain number of them. I was talking about this with a friend, because she was startled to discover by accident that her insurance would cover four tests per person; she doesn’t know if this is per month or a one-time thing or what. My prescription insurance (it’s separate from our health insurance) will cover eight tests per person per month. (It’s Express Scripts, in case that’s useful information.) We can either get them at the pharmacy and get reimbursed, which seemed like a hassle, or we can click a button on our online account and get them shipped directly to us for free, which seemed like less hassle so that’s what we did. I didn’t get ALL FIFTY-SIX we could have gotten, but I got twenty-four. Then, when we started actually using them, I ordered more.
Paul is using a rapid test each day; it’s still showing positive. He is on Day Eight. He is still congested, and doing some coughing, and doing some dozing, but he basically feels normal; at this point he said if it weren’t pandemic times he would LONG SINCE have been back to work (and he IS back to work today remotely).
I told him directly that I was angry and sad; that I felt he had put his own comfort and convenience ahead of our health and safety; that he had deliberately concealed that decision from me, KNOWING how I would feel about it. He said, “Yeah—I thought it would be okay, since like 99% of my coworkers are vaccinated.” He seems to think that was an adequate response to what I’d said. It seemed like he heard me, but that he didn’t think any of what I said was a big deal. I feel as if perhaps I am losing my mind.
Furthermore, on the day we now know he was exposed (Thursday before last), a group of colleagues from another location came to his workplace directly from a large conference in the area, and conferred with Paul and his coworkers for several hours. That’s when dozens of people at Paul’s workplace were infected, because apparently few of them thought “mixing with new people who were recently at a large event” was a good moment to consider using masks and distancing. Paul’s workplace is the kind of workplace where no one bothers to use Dr. because pretty much everyone has a PhD, and this is not the first time it has occurred to me that they’re not as smart as they think they are.
The kids are periodically taking rapid tests just to check in; so far they’ve all been negative. None of the kids have any symptoms; Edward seemed to have a funny voice on Wednesday or Thursday like I did, but it didn’t develop into anything and it went away by the next day, while mine continued and turned into a cough.
Some of you asked if Elizabeth had fun at prom and I would say YES, though I think she also discovered what I remember discovering, which is that the REAL fun of prom is shopping for it, and preparing for it, and seeing everyone all dressed up, and taking pictures with people. After that, it’s pretty much the same as any dance from back in middle school. I am not authorized to share photos, but I thought she looked very chic, and she got a lot of attention for her outfit. She remarked that she keeps forgetting how cutting off all her hair makes all her fashion choices seem more dramatic and edgy.
There was a little Drama, because…wait, did I already tell this story? That she was going with a friend group, and then one by one everyone else in the friend group ended up acquiring a date? So then she was the only one going on her own, and the plan for group pictures got tanked because everyone chose to get photographed with their date’s friend group instead of their own; and also the plan for everyone to go piled into several cars got ditched, and she didn’t want to be a third wheel to any of the couples, so she had to drive herself. (I offered to drive her, and she said getting driven to prom by a parent was even worse.) And ALSO it seemed that all her friend group got invited to an after-party that she did not get invited to. I was aware that none of this was mine to fix, but it was pretty stressy.
But it all turned out well. The tiny coolness that developed between her and the friends who got dates and ditched all their plans meant that she sat at another group’s table at prom, and it was a table of cool (the theater/band kind of cool) mostly-seniors who then invited her to THEIR after-party, which she attended, and they played video games and had snacks and everyone left by midnight, and she got home safely. And she DID still get some pictures with the original friend group, because whoever planned the prom knows that the pictures are one of the best parts, and set up several photo-taking locations.
I am pleased that you are still feeling okay and that none of the kids seems to have gotten covid at this point. And thank you for the info about insurance/tests — I did not know that!
I am very glad Elizabeth’s prom experience turned out well, especially after so much FRUSTRATING friend behavior!!! I would be so irritated, both as a mom and as a former prom attendee. I am NOT looking forward to all the complexities of friendships as my kid gets older.
And I am deeply, deeply annoyed at Paul and his colleagues. Mainly Paul, though, because your very valid family rule should have trumped all the dumb peer pressure he felt at work. Sheesh. One of the worst types of marital arguments is the kind that involves a thing with Wider Implications and one spouse gets hung up on The Specific Inciting Incident rather than what it means for the marriage more broadly. I hate that so much — it makes me feel crazy too, so I recognize that feeling even though you are NOT crazy. UGH UGH UGH.
“One of the worst types of marital arguments is the kind that involves a thing with Wider Implications and one spouse gets hung up on The Specific Inciting Incident rather than what it means for the marriage more broadly.”
OMG, do I know this and do I feel this and, just, solidarity.
I’m so happy the kids are all negative and that Elizabeth’s night turned out well! Love the part about them not being as smart as they should be lol.
I am still wearing a mask at work, but as I am wearing it I am thinking to myself, “Not giving into peer pressure is a think I am ESPECIALLY good at. If I can’t handle being the only one in the room wearing a mask, then probably nobody – not even the people who might have bigger reasons to do it than I do – can. But maybe if I am wearing a mask that makes it easier for someone else to be the second person in the room wearing a mask.” It makes me so mad…supposedly, according to the emails, even though wearing a mask is not required anymore it is strongly encouraged. And yet almost nobody I work with who comes to the office in a suit or makes more than $100k a year is still wearing one. They know they’re leading by example, and the example they’re setting sucks.
Also, aside from the preparing, shopping, and pictures, the best part of prom is whatever story you end up with to tell about it…. and Elizabeth driving her own damn self to prom and making new friends once she’s there is an excellent one.
OMG – YES! I work on the executive floor and I – lowly peon that I am – am the only person who continues to mask. It makes me wonder if the others would mask if they saw the CEO wearing one (most likely).
PAUL, 99% of your colleagues being vaccinated would mean it would be valid to DISCUSS WITH SWISTLE your desire to downshift your mitigation strategies, not just do it on your own in secret. And especially with the variants, what we are seeing is that vaccines protect against death and hospitalization, but clearly not always infection. So congratulations on not dying or being in the hospital. Anti-congratulations on getting your dumb ass sick and worrying Swistle and the kids and Swistle having to wear a mask indoors and now isolate and Elizabeth almost missing prom and worst of all PUTTING EDWARD IN DANGER. It’s not just your poor decision to increase the risk of illness and everything that comes along with it, I t’s that you made a unilateral decision that effects other people without discussing it with them.
Swistle, your mind is good. Your husband is being obtuse and self centered, whether on purpose or not I don’t know, but that issue is not with you.
I’m so glad you are not feeling bad and hope that you make the very most of your isolation and get all the treats and special things you desire. Every time I was inconvenienced by the situation, I would be tempted to compensate with a reward.
Very glad Elizabeth was able to go to prom and have fun and especially that the after party worked out. That stinks about the friend group. Well done to talk and listen but not solve. A+ parenting. My oldest is almost 9 and I’ve been taking notes from you for years.
I just wanted to say thank you for writing this to Paul directly because I think it’s perfectly said.
I was reading his “Yeah, I thought it’d be okay since 99% of the office is vaccinated” and responding in my head “Yeah, you made that choice unilaterally, on behalf of the whole family, whose health you are risking, asshat.” And in secret!!! Argh.
Elizabeth sounds so cool. If I were you I would just be so proud. I was never cool enough to pull off the short hair and the edgy fashion choices, oh and by the way she just shrugs and goes and has a good time ANYWAY when her friends are being inconsiderate — just so cool.
I just personally attended one of these Very Large Conferences, and while we had wonderful and impressive testing rigor (test before you come, technically that one was on the honor system, but then get tested by an Official Testing Facility before joining the first night’s event; test the next morning (honor system again, but you had to upload your results to the Official Testing app); test again the subsequent morning. We found out that on Morning 2, three people (out of ~300) had tested positive. The company went out and procured more tests on the spot so we could all test for a second time that day before attending the final evening session/party… but as people got home, and throughout the weekend, dozens of people have popped positive now as well. Our company is VERY HIGHLY vaccinated, testing protocol was as good as one could hope for, and yet.
My phone has been pinging all weekend with alerts that I’ve been in close contact with someone who tested positive, which is… unsettling. I’ve rapid-tested every day since arriving home, currently all negative and have no symptoms, but boy it sure feels like a ticking time bomb.
I hope your kids continue to evade a positive and that you continue to escape any worsening symptoms <3
Paul is making me angrier and angrier. You are not crazy, HE IS BEING A DOUCHEBAG.
Paul, wear your mask and tell your colleagues to wear theirs and stop being a flaming douchebag.
I’m so glad that Elizabeth ended up with an upgrade to a first class friend group instead of being stuck in coach (but am side-eying her former friend group because they seem to need to grow up)
Co-sign all of this.
We all want to serve as observers/commentators on some big replay of the discussion, right? “Rewind the tape –STOP — OK, right here, Paul, here’s where Swistle brings up a legitimate issue and your response, which we can break down in a minute, but just understand that that response may have felt like you showing you heard her, but that’s just another fail on your part, because you are still acting as though your behavior was within the realm of reasonable and responsible, and it sure AF was not.”
THIS
seconded!
I’m glad you’re not very sick. I hope you only get better from here.
I am sick. I had about 24 hours of excruciating muscle pain, and today I am just very tired, probably because the pain kept me on edge and I wasn’t able to sleep before.
Not as smart as they think they are. Mmm.
For another data point: we have Blue Cross insurance and can walk into a pharmacy, say “run 8 covid tests through my insurance, please!” and get them for free each month. I haven’t tested what once a month means. I assume if I get them on the 10th in one month, I can’t come back until the 10th of the next month? But what if I don’t get all 8 at once? Is it a rolling count? Who knows. I got 8 per member of my family in early March and then again last week when I happened to be at the pharmacy for something else. I assume at some point we will be wanting to test every day, whether just from exposure or from illness, so I wanted to have them available.
Some people are living in an alternate reality where *most* vaccinated people not having serious problems from omicron means that it’s fine to not wear masks anymore anywhere, despite all the immunocompromised and higher-risk people around who would, you know, like to stay alive and also get medical services, etc. It sounds like Paul is in that particular alternate reality.
You are not crazy; he was not being either intelligent or clever about this.
(this is one of those weird things about “smart” people, as seen by this “smart” person: we can be as stupid or stupider than the average person, while still thinking we’re smart, because if we either *do not have topical knowledge of a field* or if we *do not apply our reasoning skills to a problem* then we have zero advantage over people without specialized knowledge somewhere and zero advantage over people who do not have formally-trained reasoning skills.)
(sometimes people do assume that if everyone else in their group is on the same page, then other people would of course agree and do not bother telling people. This is usually a stupid assumption. If he made that assumption and did not bother telling you something he thought you wouldn’t object to because his buddies found it totally reasonable, he was being stupid. There are really a lot of options for his behavior in 1. deciding unilaterally to stop wearing a mask along with his co-workers also shifting to not-masked and 2. *not telling you* which is really key, frankly, but none of them are intelligent.)
(and often Males consider risk-averse Females to be irrational because being more risk-averse than the male is therefore being *too* risk-averse because they are Male and Logical (even when they know nothing about contagion processes) and therefore the females are being Emotional and Irrational, but then they will accept information that they’ve rejected when women presented it only *if a male presents it* but not otherwise, and I hate this – my father does it and it drives us up the wall. It is possible to be too risk-averse [cases where overrepresenting one risk causes other, more likely and more problematic risks to skyrocket, for instance, which is where phobias hang out, probably], but that is very definitely not the case here with covid, because you have an immunocompromised child and the fact remains that n95 or kn95 masks drastically reduce infection. I find it interesting how the vaccinated percentage is higher for women than for men, and how the cases and deaths percentage is higher for men than for women, almost like maybe risk management and more-cautious behavior has had some predictable rational effect…)
Ooh the gendered aspect of risk-averseness, YES
I think it’s called gaslighting when someone who …has made a wrong choice… makes the other person feel like they’re losing their mind. You are not losing your mind, not being unreasonable, not overreacting. I’m sorry that this is the response you got. Taking some very deep breaths to tone down my rage on your behalf, and sending all the support to you.
I am really impressed by Elizabeth and am so happy that she found her own way to have fun. Having friends ditch you for their dates is a very unpleasant part of the teen years (and beyond). It takes guts to go on your own to a big social event. It’s something I’m still figuring out how to do in my mid-40s.
Rest up and I hope the COVID infections (and associated marital conflict) are resolved soon. I know you’re not asking for advice, but could I gently suggest you find some alone time with Paul to press your case again? I mean a car ride seems like a perfect time for cornering him and telling him what you need. I’ll stop with the unsolicited advice now. Good luck!
Okay but in a country where vaccination rates are abysmal, are 99% of his coworkers REALLY vaccinated? Or does he just feel like it’s almost everyone because a few people he talks to are all vaccinated? Anyway, if you were wondering, I’m still mad at him.
Haven’t read everyone’s comments yet, but as much as he’s heard your concern, what I think he hasn’t heard yet has been that it was a BETRAYAL OF TRUST when he did this. As much as if he opened a separate bank account without your knowledge or texted another woman privately. He gets that he “did something naughty” and “made mom mad” and that he’s “fessing up”. But I think he’s failing to understand that you feel that he BETRAYED the TRUST in your relationship on a fundamental level—not that he was naughty. He risked the health of your family and potentially the life of your child. And it made that choice without consulting you, his partner.
Sorry for the typos. I’m kind of hyped up, I guess. But repairing this kind of betrayal in a relationship takes intentional work on the part of both partners and it begins with him acknowledging the betrayal.
Have you had Paul read a selection of comments? Or read him a selection of comments? I know he could still go with “well, obviously they side with you they’re your readers.” but it still might be a fun exercise. I sent the original post to my husband and was like “do not. ever.”
(He’s TOTALLY already done this, same scenario – went to work, didn’t wear a mask bc everyone is vaxed — as if that means diddly squat — luckily he didn’t get sick because there haven’t been more than 5 people in the office at one time in forever. He also went and ate in the lunchroom one day and I”m like WHAT ABOUT AIRBORNE ARE YOU NOT UNDERSTANDING? If a covid positive person was in there FIVE HOURS AGO and the ventilation sucks, guess what? You get covid. And he’s totally fixated on the individual instances and not the wider implications as so well explained above. I just went to New Orleans for Jazz Fest and was MASKED A FLIPPING LOT. Put it on outside Logan…no eating, drinking or removing for eight hours…took it off outside Armstrong. Stayed with friends. No mask for when I biked, no mask early at the fairgrounds — I work it and am there well before opening — mask 60+% of the time while working backstage with few people and excellent ventilation outdoors, mask when in the crowd to get food, no eating indoors at restaurants, mask for ten straight hours on the way home. I also tested before I went and Buffett required us to test on the 2nd Sunday, both negative, no symptoms.)
Elizabeth and prom. OMFG. Friends SUCK. And people are so yuck about the dating thing. Tell her way to go for going solo, driving herself, AND finding and alternate after-party. All this will serve her so well in the future. SO WELL.
I’m now annoyed for both of you for different reasons.
I wonder if it would help Paul understand the gravity of the situation if you told him that if the worst things happened as a result of his actions, that you would consider divorce? Recently my husband did a Thing that made me more furious than I ever remember being ever at anyone. I was so hurt and angry and I just couldn’t believe he could do such a Thing. And, this Thing made me think to myself, “How many times can he do such a Thing and still be my husband?” My estimation was once. He could do that Thing exactly once. And he has now used that once. So if he ever did that again I would have to divorce him. And it made me even more furious with him that he put me in the position to have to make such a calculation. When I finally managed to be able to speak with him and told him that this was my thought process, he was truly shocked to find that I thought this was a divorce-able offense. And maybe I have less tolerance than the average spouse over this Thing. Or maybe I’m totally reasonable and what he did was unforgivable. In any case, the fact is, he knew he did a bad thing, but he didn’t realize that I was of the mind that it was an end-of-a-marriage kind of Thing. I’m getting that vibe from Paul. He knows he did the wrong thing and is trying to give you his justification for that thing. I think maybe he doesn’t understand that from your perspective he did a really bad Thing.
Yes, I second this. I had a similar conversation with my spouse, who was truly SHOCKED that I would even consider divorce ever, period. But especially that I would consider it over the issue we were addressing. It felt to me like I was willy-nilly using the “D” word, but then I realized later that if I hadn’t used that word, he would have been like “La, glad that minor bit of personal discomfort is over. Now back to life as usual.”
Here to say I’ve had this same experience. My spouse and I were having an ongoing, long-term fight several years ago, and we were on completely different planes about it. I was thinking about divorce every single day. When I told him that, he was completely shocked (and angry, but that’s on him, not me). The up-shot is, it spurred us into therapy and eventually therapy and medication for him, which was a turning point for us. I don’t think we’d be together now if I hadn’t been honest about the seriousness, for me, of what we were going through.
Our number one family rule is DON’T SNEAK. It is lying, but worse, because you KNOW the other person would be upset, and so you are withholding the information from them. His actions feel like sneaking to me, and I would be very, very, very angry about that. For me, the list of things I would be mad about would be 1- endangering the health of the family 2- the sneaking 3- everything else that is clearly wrong and bad about this situation.
I hope this is helpful to hear and not further enraging. For me it’s often very helpful to think “What am I ACTUALLY most angry about?” when I feel upset. It’ distills down the feeling into something that I can then look at versus just feeling RAGE.
Also, a few other things. 1- I am glad you are feeling okay. 2- I predict these will be Elizabeth’s new friends and she will look back on this night as the night she met some of her friends for life. 3- My husband and I had a conversation about him masking at work and he said to me, “I am not going to wear a mask and here is why, are you okay with that?” which is THE CORRECT WAY TO HANDLE THIS. WITH A DISCUSSION.
I don’t have anything to say other than what has already been said. Except that my husband works in a job where he works closely with PhDs on a daily basis, and he always says they are the smartest dumb people ever. Almost always no common sense or real-life smarts, especially if they work at a college. Apologies for anyone with a PhD, but in this case it seems to fit.
I wanted to share I’m pretty sure that the health insurances covering rapid tests was a federally mandated thing, so it should be that ALL private insurance companies cover up to 8 rapid tests per month per covered person on the plan! They might all have slightly different rules for how you do it (some will reimburse after you buy them, some have preferred retailers where you get them for free, and some will let you order online and ship directly for free), but they should all almost certainly have it in some form!
I remember you writing about Paul’s mom and she sounded like the type of person one would have to sneak around a lot in order to survive mentally intact. We often bring unresolved childhood survival tactics into adult relationships. Ask me how I know, ha! Not an excuse but an explanation. His way of thinking about this doesn’t work well in a group and could have caused grave harm. I’m not sure how you make someone understand that if they don’t already understand that.
Elizabeth sounds like a really cool person. I can’t imagine being that unflappable at that age.
First, I would like to say that I am very happy that your symptoms are mild and that, so far, the children are fine. And I’m very pleased that Elizabeth carried herself to the prom and enjoyed it (as much as prom can be enjoyed). Also you aren’t crazy.
And to that end – Second, PAUL – every single person at that facility can be vaxxed and boosted. But by now, we ALL know that the vaccine will NOT prevent you from getting COVID and spreading it. And let’s not forgot that there is no guarantee that you can’t catch it again from ANOTHER variant. Oh, and don’t forget to factor in long COVID, which seems to be a real thing. I think you need to re-think your position on this and realize that this was a serious lapse and your wife’s concerns are reasonable and valid; particularly with the fact that there is a immunocompromised child in the house.
I’m glad things worked out for Elizabeth’s prom, and impressed at the level of detail you have about the friend situation. Also as a former band kid I feel the need to assert that theater and band are DIFFERENT kinds of cool. And band is cooler. But I was also in orchestra, which might have canceled it out.
Very interesting about the insurance/testing situation! And does everyone know that you can get second set of four tests through the post office? Good. Here’s the link
.
Now you can get a THIRD set of eight! Just ordered mine.
I’m glad you’re not suffering too much, physically anyway. Elizabeth sounds admirably self-possessed.
I’ve got no advice for the situation with Paul.
You are not crazy and I can’t tell if Paul missed the point on purpose, or if he is genuinely that obtuse and thought the fact that he caught Covid was the problem instead of something that revealed the problem of his lack of judgement and his selfish decision-making process.
The major thing that is missing, even if Paul’s inconsiderate actions were minor (which they decidedly are NOT), is an apology. “I thought it would be okay” is not an apology. Makes me livid. Grrrrr
The prom story was an emotional rollercoaster and I’m so glad it turned out good.
Also, you are not crazy.
Honestly I could destroy Paul.