One of the main sticking points of MY ENTIRE LIFE is this sort of situation:
1. When the rules are X
2. But the reality is Y
Nothing epitomizes this conflict for me like The Birthday Treat Problem. The school rule is that the children may have no more than one treat per month. All the birthday children in a particular month are to celebrate on the same day, and only one of those children may bring a treat; the other children must bring Healthy Snacks or Inedible Treats. But this system is not put into effect in the classrooms: once-a-month parties are not coordinated, and parents continue to send in cupcakes on their children’s birthdays.
It appears to me that the situation is this: The administration put the new rule into place; the teachers are not on board with this rule and/or know that parents are going to send in cupcakes anyway, and so don’t implement/enforce it in their classrooms. I am fine with this, except for the part where it makes it look/feel like I’M the one breaking the administration’s rule. I have written about this before.
Here are the three situations I am perfectly happy with:
1. I am perfectly happy to abide by the rules and coordinate my child’s birthday treat with the other parents of children born that month.
2. I am perfectly happy to send in cupcakes on my child’s birthday, and for my child to eat 20 cupcakes per school year (roughly 1/2 cupcake per week of school).
3. I am perfectly happy to have no classroom bring-in items at all.
Here is the situation I am not happy with:
4. If I send in cupcakes I am a rule-breaker, and if I don’t my baby is the only one who didn’t have a birthday treat. That is a LOSE-LOSE situation we have here, Rule Book.
Oh, I could ask each individual teacher, yes. As soon as I think of a way to ask that doesn’t sound as if I am saying, “Hello, Teacher! Should I break the rules, or should you start following them? Your pick!” Well, actually, I DID manage that in some form last year (I went for the simplified, blame-shifting, rule-not-mentioning approach of “Elizabeth was wondering if it was okay for her to bring in cupcakes on her birthday next week”), so I guess I don’t have any ACTUAL struggle here, beyond WISHING RULES AND REALITY WOULD MEET AT SOME POINT.
What about approaching it from a different angle?
E.g. find someone who is enthusiastic about the PTA, and ask them if they & the PTA could look into this issue
(in other words, find someone else to fight this battle for you)
No idea whether that would actually work, but most groups have someone whose identity is invested in being the One Who Fixes Things, and this seems Fixable.
On the other hand, this rule seems to have been put in place by parents who are worried about Precious Offspring eating too much sugar, so the PTA may not be the best fix. Lots of empathy re: rules & reality not meeting, it’s one of my pet peeves too.
I remember this situation from my daughter’s elementary school. I would just ask the teacher if it was ok if she brought muffins for everyone on her birthday (pretending I had no idea what the supposed “rule” was). The teachers always said that would be great.
A somewhat similar situation arose when the kids were supposed to make a salt-dough landmass project, and it was VERY obvious some of the projects were not done by 8-year-olds. The teacher told me they just assume projects like that are “family projects”, and don’t count off for the less-impressive ones done by the actual students, which satisfied my concern. If you don’t want your kids to learn, go ahead and do their projects for them, folks.
My current personal version of this:
Rule: “No toys from home should be brought into preschool.”
Reality: Hordes of children playing with everything from stuffed animals to IPADS at preschool.
Cherie’s reality: “Whhhhyyyy can’t I bring my toy? everyone ELSE brings their toy! You’re the worst mom ever I HATE YOU.”
Similar situation here, only with footwear. Preschool has “no flip flops” rule. I wholeheartedly agree with this because 3-5yo running around in flip flops is ASKING for injury. My daughter has flip flops, but they are for the pool only (nevermind that I wear flip flops every moment I’m not at work….). So, every once in a while, she complains that she wants to wear them to school “because Lily does and Gavin and Elly”….. I very quietly and somewhat judgingly say something like “oh? really? that’s too bad. They’re not following the rules, because remember Miss Dora said no flip flops to school” tsk tsk, and then she agrees – like we’re in a secret club – and will chime in that “Hey! I get to wear them to swimming lessons!” and we high-five.
I can see how this is truly frustrating — I imagine that the teacher does not want to be in charge of one more thing, so probably looks the other way. How about asking the teacher who the other birthdays are in the month because you would like chat with them about coordinating? I know this could be interpreted as taking over. However, I think it signals that you are not only willing but eager to comply with the rules — and it is not setting anyone else up as the rule breaker. Hopefully the teacher might see that putting together something with all the birthdays marked and giving it at least to the room parents would be a start to complying with the rule. If the teacher doesn’t respond to this … then you are not breaking the rule if you send in cupcakes … you tried!
We have a similar situation. Ours allows birthday treats but they must be “healthy”. Last year (kinder) I asked the teacher would would be good. Per her advice I sent in mini cupcakes and grape bunches – thinking I’d be good for a b-day: somewhat healthy (ish), and not overdone. Her bday was early so we were one of the firsts. The rest of the year she came home with reports of “giant cupcakes”, ice cream cups with DIY sundae toppings, donuts, and more. This year I sent in regular sized blueberry crumble muffins – and the rest of the year was more of the same INCLUDING an in-school party complete with a piñata and treat bags FTLOG. Next year she’s getting cupcakes with 3 inches of frosting, I might send a clown to her classroom to do balloon animals, too (kidding)
First off, I think this rule sucks. Secondly, how are you supposed to coordinate with the other parents? Is there a list of birthdays that is handed out? If not, why not? Who should be making the list, coordinating these once-a-month parties, and deciding who brings what treat? Seems like a pain. Even if it isn’t a pain, there should still be some kind of protocol for all of it, and in your case it sounds like there is none.
I think the easiest solution for everyone involved (teachers, parents, students) is to just let everyone bring in whatever treat they want on their birthday. That’s how we did it when I was in elementary school 20 years ago, and it worked out just fine. No one died of sugar overload, etc. If it was me, I would focus my efforts on trying to change the rule. Probably easier said than done. I came from a very small village with a small school system. It would not have been difficult to talk to the administration about it and have it fixed/changed.
I think in your situation, I think the, “Elizabeth was wondering if it was okay for her to bring in cupcakes on her birthday next week” is your best bet.
Our school cupcake rules went like this: school gets new carpeting throughout and institutes no cupcake rule because they tend to fall icing down. Birthday treats should be individual servings and not have icing. Rule makes sense, lots of treats are still allowed. First quarter study is layers of the earth and teachers supply cupcakes baked in different flavor layers with bright blue & green icing to represent the earth. *insert gif of me tilting head and giving side eye here*
We have the rule that no food treats are supposed to come in for birthday, yet apparently they all do anyhow. I do not. I do send cupcakes to the aftercare place (which is basically the home daycare my kids have always gone to) so that group can enjoy cupcakes. It’s like uniforms: the school has a fairly strict uniform policy – polo shirts of specific colors, khaki or blue pants. But every day there are kids wearing other clothes, and when my son asks me all I can say is I’m not their parents and we follow the rules.
Bringing in food, etc. for birthdays isn’t a thing at our school anymore. I think the rule changed when my youngest was in kindergarten (new nutrition policy) and treats were turned away before they entered the classroom. Everyone survived. :-)
I am a teacher and IT DRIVES ME CRAZY because even within our own school (smallish), there is blatant inconsistency. The “rule” is that sweets are “discouraged”. Which, WHA? How is that even achievable? The reality is that cupcakes/sweets are never really turned away unless they are homemade (allergy concerns) except during certain times (probably of the month) where the teacher is called to the carpet for a parent bringing in (store bought) cupcakes on a kid’s birthday–even though our policy is that they are discouraged not against the rules. Ahem. Shifty eyes. FINE, IT WAS ME! But in my defense, if it’s not consistently regulated fairly, it’s a suggestion, not a hard and fast rule! And I teach KINDERGARTEN.
The perfect solution (for you) would be for the teacher to claim ONE day per month as “We will celebrate birthdays for all of this month’s kids on THIS day” but that would require the teacher to not be sucked into the malaise that comes about from inconsistent, frustrating, and sometimes irrational rules from higher ups.
I usually tell parents to send in fruit snacks or cookies in the kids’ book bags for birthdays as a group snack. Sneaky, much? Yes, yes I am.
I have nothing helpful to add because I feel only overwhelming relief that Oldest is finishing elementary school in four weeks and Youngest’s birthday is in the Summer so I am DONE attempting to navigate the minefield of in-school birthday treats. Good riddance.
p.s. I don’t want to hear from someone with a middle schooler that this crap is still expected in middle school. Just let me have my ignorant happiness for the next three months.
I’ve never heard of classroom cupcakes for middle school. Sometimes I made them in high school to share with my Latin class, but only because there were only 15 of us taking Latin and we were all pretty close and the teacher was amazing. But people had a tendency to bring in treats to that class pretty regularly and none of my non-Latin-taking friends brought treats to their classes. I think it was an anomaly.
I did know a few people in middle school who brought birthday cupcakes to share with friends at lunch. That wasn’t regulated at all in the late 90’s. Not sure if it is now.
As a shuddering former pre-K teacher: if you must send in cupcakes, please send baby wipes too. Thank you.
I am realizing that the above–“if you must”– sounds withering and condescending, and that I should have phrased it differently or better yet kept my damage to myself. Parents are just trying to make their kids happy on their birthdays, after all, and the rules, or inconsistent quasi-rules, don’t make it easy to do so.
I’m sort of confused about the rule- how do they decide which kid gets to bring cupcakes and which kid has to bring a healthy snack? (If the rule is followed, obviously.) Does it fall to the teacher? Are the parents supposed to know who has birthdays that month and coordinate amongst themselves? It seems like a clumsy solution.
I’m a parent and a teacher, and alas, all I can do is shudder about is the amount of sugar in the school. My child sure does not do well with it, as much as she loves a cupcake.
Hunh. We had cupcakes when I was a kid, but I have assumed that those (in-school birthday cupcakes) have gone the way of the dodo bird. Perhaps not. But my first-grader hasn’t mentioned anything about them, and I’m certainly not going to bring the subject up.
Not the point but: At my son’s school, the rules are “no edible treats” and NO ONE sends in treats, because GOD FORBID these kids ever get their hands on sugar (I live in a semi-major city on the West Coast, and we seem to have religious type attitudes on this matter.) You know what, though? Sometimes I put a cookie or brownie in my kid’s lunch. OMG, breaking the law.
Who knew that so much crazy could be centered around cupcakes, right?
I realize your children are older than the preschoolers I teach, but I have to chime in. We don’t have any policy other than ‘no nuts’, but I allow any treat that parents want to bring to come in, because who am I to squelch creativity? You can Pinterest your little heart out.
That being said, I HATE cupcakes. They are soooo messy, and if they are towering with frosting that is all the children eat. Maybe just bring in cups of frosting and be done with it.
If a parent asks for suggestions, I say, “I’m going to change your life: bring fruit snacks. Your child can help choose what kind to bring and we can eat them on the playground. Fun for all!” The children love to talk about the shapes and flavors as they snack and clean up is a breeze. It’s also a small enough serving that they aren’t too full for lunch.
I did yogurt tubes and Annie’s chocolate or graham bunnies for my son’s preschool birthdays. Sugary, but no one could really give me the side-eye over those treats.
We have been in 2 different school districts this year for 2nd grade. At the first one, the rule was no outside food due to allergy concerns. This worked great. You could bring a trinket or something to share on your birthday, something simple, so I think my kids sent in temporary tattoos. And it was enforced so no one broke the rule, and of course, kids have treats with their families for their birthday. I thought it was great.
Current school allows birthday food, preferably healthy. Almost no one follows the healthy rule we’ve learned. And, I have 2 kids with tree nut allergies, and the 2 teachers handle it very different. Both of my kids have a bin of treats I sent in (pre-packaged from store as it has to last the whole year). One teacher asks every parent what they’re bringing in, sends me the description, so I can decide whether she can have it. That works well but lots of work for the teacher, and sometimes the parents say vague things (“don’t worry, I’m buying something you can find at any store!”) so I have to refuse it for her without knowing what it is. But she gets the oreos I sent in. The other teacher never tells me, and basically never lets my son have the treat, even if it’s something that clearly doesn’t have nuts, like a candy apple. Annoys my son, but at least he’s safe. All in all a big hassle and I was much happier with the no food treats for anyone policy!
My girl is allergic to nuts, and usually had to turn down treats other kids brought in for birthdays, parties, etc. A lot of the moms were very sweet and would bring in the label for whatever they made (and I must say I LOVE the new ingredient lists with “Contains” at the bottom – SO much easier than reading all the ingredients). Store-bought stuff was almost always made on shared equipment and so it was a no-go for my child. I don’t understand the “only store-bought” rule mentioned above – sounds crazy to me!
Store bought stuff is so that everyone can clearly see what the ingredients are, instead of having to trust someone else to read all labels to make sure nothing had nuts, or whatever..
I guess, although unless it’s Oreos or something like that, it is almost never ok for my kid to eat. I used to worry when she was 4 or 5 that she would be unable to resist the giant pink-frosted cookies some kids brought in from the grocery store bakeries. They didn’t “contain” nuts, but they were made on shared equipment, as I said, which means allergic kids should avoid them. I always told her that if she had to pass up something that looked really yummy, I’d make it up to her with a special treat when she got home.
At my kids’ preschool, you can’t send anything in for birthdays. They do celebrate the birthday, they let the kid be line leader or whatever and I think they sing at snacktime. I could see where it could get more complicated in grade school, but I have to say, that seems like the best rule to me – just no one can send anything, what’s the problem? No allergy problems, no too many cupcakes problems, just no problem! My kids go to kind of a small Catholic school so of course they can send in whatever and we do but I kind of like my kids better who have summer birthdays, ha!
Oh GAH, the cupcake conundrum. There is a rule against sending in baked goods for the kinders’ birthdays at my kids’ school and it is SO MUCH EASIER. In Grade 1 that no longer applies though and it’s way more complicated because there are a lot of foods that are banned due to allergy concerns in individual classrooms, and I don’t really want to navigate that minefield or try to figure out how to transport treats in either. Nor do I really want my kids getting a lot of extra junk at school.
My son is in SK and is one of a few in his classroom that has a severe egg allergy, so nothing that even “may contain” eggs are allowed in the room. This eliminates most baked goods, even in their individual lunches. There are also similar bans on peanuts, tree nuts, shellfish, kiwis and blueberries. My daughter’s Grade 2 class allows eggs, but there are no peanuts, tree nuts, sesame, or members of the squash family.
Since I don’t believe in sending in baking, my daycare provider took it upon herself to bake and send cookies for my daughter’s birthday one year when she was still in kindergarten. Apparently she felt that my daughter would be ostracized if she didn’t bring anything because “everyone else did”.
Fortunately we are often away on a family holiday when my daughter has her birthday so it’s not been an issue since, but I’m not looking forward to next year when my son starts Grade 1, when it seems like there’s no blanket rule at all for birthday treats.
Send in those cupcakes you rule breaker :)
I say GO FOR IT.
If the teacher isn’t leading the ‘once a month’ combined bday thing – my vote is for the teacher doesn’t really care about the ‘rule’.
Parents of allergic kids always gave the teacher a stash of treats that were ok for their kid to eat – so if the bday treat wasn’t something they could have, they’d get one of their approved treats from the teacher – a very easy system for dealing with allergies in the classroom.