Postcard From Swistle’s Mom

Where do we stand on the issue of legalized medical marijuana for people stuck in a house with snotty-nosed, coughing, crabby, screaming children? We’re pro, right? I know we’re pro when it’s barfing, obv, but it’s pro for snot, too, right?

My parents are on a vacation to the Grand Canyon. Here’s a letter from my mom, for those who want to participate virtually in the splendor:

Well. We’re at the Grand Canyon. We’ve been to the rim and walked along it, and taken a little trail down into it a bit, and it is indeed large and view-riffic.

But the crowds! The teeming masses of humanity! The bumper-to-bumper cars inching along mile after mile! I’m far more amazed at how crowded it is than I am at any grandness.

Checking in to our enviable “deep-within-the-national-park” lodge room was like finding a seat for the Super Bowl. We found the last possible parking space in a vast parking lot and walked with throngs of people to the registration center, where we joined a line pouring out the door. Forty-five minutes later we reached the registration desk (with four clerks, like in a TJ Maxx except WAY slower) who told us our room wasn’t ready yet. Since it was 4:30, we wondered when it would be ready …. by bedtime, we hoped? She didn’t know, but said to check back in 30 minutes. We asked if we would need to go through the line again and she said “yes.” So we asked if we should just go to the end of the line again now since it was at least a 30-minute line, and she said yes. We actually went away for an hour before we tried again, but we did go through the line again, when finally our room was ready.

Everywhere we’ve been so far has been filled with throngs of people (including one very tall man I keep seeing again and again who has passed us about 5 times and I’ve noticed him because he’s wearing a micro-mini skirt and has shaved bare legs). We’ve checked into our room and are now going to walk back to Grand Central Station where they have an over-priced but convenient mega-mall-type food-court.

Love, Swistle’s Mom

Can’t you just SEE the stunning vistas? the astonishing beauty of nature?

37 thoughts on “Postcard From Swistle’s Mom

  1. Erin

    This is SO FUNNY. Comparing the Grand Canyon to TJ Maxx? Hahaha! I mean, I know the reality is sad, but you’re Mom’s recounting of it is hilarious.

  2. desperate housewife

    This sounds exactly like what I’ve heard from everyone. Except she left out the part about the mules trekking along on the very teetery edge of the cliffs all day long CARRYING HUMAN BEINGS, scaring the bejeesus out of me.

  3. Heather

    That just amused me more than ANYTHING I’VE HEARD ALL DAY (it’s 10:40pm Friday in Western Australia)! Thank you so much for sharing that, your mum sounds like such a ‘character’.

  4. Nervous

    Ha! That should now be used as a reference to explain how slow something is:
    Q: How slow was that line?
    A: Slower than a TJ Maxx with 4 clerks on a Saturday…
    Response: Holy crap, that’s slow!
    Ba dum dum tssht!

  5. caleyadams

    Hahaha. Love that. Made me smile. Didn’t completely erase the sights and smells of a horrific potty accident from moments earlier, but it made me smile, and that’s something. Yo mama is funny!

  6. Pickles and Dimes

    Are you sure we’re not SISTERS? Because your mom sounds a lot like my mom. Ask her how a vacation was, and instead of talking about the scenery, she’ll tell you how cold the hotel room was or something.

    Can’t wait for future installments!

  7. Kim

    I laughed too, but more in a cringing way, because I almost felt that came from MY mom. The best thing to do is laugh at it, which is what has prevented me from seeking therapy.
    We went to the Grand Canyon in the 70’s when I was a little kid and it wasn’t that crowded then. Thank God or else my parents would’ve turned us around and got the hell out of there.

  8. ellipses

    oh heavens… funny! but what is stuck in my head is the tall man in the micro-mini with shaved legs… was he wearing a wig or did he have a regular man hair-do?!

  9. Claire

    Let me just tell you that I would hit a bong Michael Phelps style today right along with you, as all my kids are sick and we’ve been trapped here all week!

    And I feel that your mom’s spotting of the leggy mini-skirt wearing man might be more of a natural wonder than the Grand Canyon itself. HI-Larious- now don’t bogart that joint ;)

  10. Jess

    I went to the Grand Canyon and my experience wasn’t like that at ALL. I hardly remember SEEING anyone else. How weird.

    However, this DOES remind me of our hot springs trip.

  11. Rachel

    that’s the best vacation description I’ve ever heard. I think we’ve all been there…feeling like a herd of cattle, wondering where the “nature” is. Good times.

  12. Bellamomma

    I just got itchy thinking about the size of the crowds. Oye. I never thought about the HUGE Grand Canyon being crowded. That’s just not a place I would think of for crowds *shudders* Maybe our country needs more natural tourist attractions … a forest of cacti in Texas perhaps? That would be a pretty empty and tranquil trip!

  13. katethegr8

    OH MY GOSH! she sounds like she would be your mom.. same sense of humor and everything! If i didnt know better I would think YOU wrote that.. did you?? are you lying to us trying to see if we will fall for your trick?! lol.. I didnt think so! :)

  14. Michelle

    Wow. Not that I’ve ever been a HUGE fan of wanting to go to the Grand Canyon, but I will now never set foot there. That sounds like a nightmare of a vacation for me. I am not one to want to be surrounded by crowds. And that guy? hmmm.

  15. Jennifer

    “But the crowds! The teeming masses of humanity! The bumper-to-bumper cars inching along mile after mile! I’m far more amazed at how crowded it is than I am at any grandness.”


  16. Shelly

    HAHAHAHA!! This is AWESOME. I have to say, the tall guy with the micro mini and shaved legs would have caught my eye, too.

  17. Farrell

    Well now we know where you get your sense of humor! Is that how your mom really talks/what she really wrote? HILARIOUS!!! I wish my mom was HALF that funny. I wish *I* was half that funny!

  18. Betsy

    “…..where they have an over-priced but convenient mega-mall-type food-court.”

    Are you SURE your mom and my mom are not the same person? Because FOR SURE my mom could have written that last sentence!

  19. cat

    Ah, the Grand Canyon. I have been there several times as I live in Arizona and people always want to go there when they come to visit. I can’t stand the crowds. I always recommend (and you can pass this along to your mom) that you travel a little farther north into southern Utah and see Zion National Park and Bryce Canyon. They always seem to be less crowded and there is, in my opinion, more to see and do. Plus, if you take the right route, you can drive by the Vermillion Cliffs which are stunning and through a beautiful national forest!

  20. Tess

    I worked at the South Rim and it sounds as if your mom is talking about the North Rim. Can you tell me what hotel she is staying in? March is pretty hectic, but the summer is MUCH worse. Jan/Feb are the best months to go to avoid crowds.
    I know working there gave me a different perspective than being a tourist, but I loved it in spite of the cattle… er vacationers.
    I hope your mom had a chance to enjoy herself.

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