Perhaps it was putting the cart before the horse to discuss baby spacing before we discussed whether to have more babies at all. Certainly this is what Paul says whenever I bring up the topic of spacing.
Paul and I have, as I briefly mentioned in the Baby Spacing post, a “take it one baby at a time” philosophy: that is, we didn’t decide ahead of time how many babies to have, we just considered after each one whether or not to have another. Looking back at our results, it is a comical philosophy. First, that we would call it “one baby at a time” and then have twins; and second, that this last baby was a complete surprise following a decision to stop having babies. Go, us!
After Rob was born, we did in fact discuss stopping right there. I nodded, and I mentioned many reasons why stopping with one was a good idea, and I agreed with all Paul’s reasons why stopping with one was a good idea, but I never seriously considered it. There are many advantages to stopping with one, it’s true. And it would have taken a forcible hysterectomy before I would have done so.
I think it is both lucky and unlucky to have a drive to keep having more babies. On one hand, it takes a lot of the worry out of it: I may or may not have freaked out repeatedly during this pregnancy about a FIFTH CHILD HOLY CRAP, but my natural inclination is to have more-more-more-’til-they-take-my-uterus-away, so for the most part I’ve been thrilled, and I’ve been thrilled about every pregnancy. And I haven’t spent much time agonizing about whether we should have more children or not–so far I’m always on the side of yes. Which is good! And makes my life simpler!
But on the other hand, when is this going to stop? Will I have more children than I can handle, more children than is right for our family, just because of this presumably hormonal drive to keep having one (or two) after another? Am I going to be eighty years old and still pining for more babies? It is beginning to look that way.
It’s more common, and probably better, to do a little more agonizing. Should there be another? If so, how old would we be when the nest was finally empty? Do we want to struggle to afford another daycare cost, a bigger car, all those braces and glasses, another break in my career? Do we want to split our attention like this? Has it been too long since the youngest was born? Am I getting too old for this? Do we really want to start all over again with night feedings and potty training? Don’t we want to do something with our twenties/thirties/forties other than rear children?
Or so I’ve heard. As I said, I don’t do a whole lot of this kind of agonizing, except late at night when I ought to be sleeping. Except for periodic freak-outs, I mostly think that everything will work out, that things like expenses and potty training seem bigger when viewed from a distance, that probably in the long-term view of things it doesn’t really matter if we have one more or two more or three more, that in any event I want more children and will be sorry if I don’t get them, and that I, personally, am more likely to regret not having children than to regret having them. This is not true for everyone.
Let’s see, where were we? Oh, yes! I was saying that after Rob was born, I faked like I was willing to consider having only one child, and used the time Paul was talking about it to think about when we should stop using birth control and what we should name the second baby. And, as I wrote in the Baby Spacing post, we had William 2 years and 2 months after Rob.
When I was pregnant with William, I made lists of pros and cons for having a boy or having a girl. One thing on my list of boy pros was that it was more likely that Paul would lean toward having a third child. Another thing on my list of boy pros was that we’d face less criticism if we did have a third: people seem more understanding if you have two boys and they assume you’re “trying for a girl” than if you have a boy and a girl and you’re “pushing your luck” / “contributing to the population problem.”
As I expected, Paul was willing to have a third. Since the 2 year 2 month spacing worked for us before, our goal was to space the next one in that same range. Then Paul’s employer went out of business and Paul couldn’t find a new job, and I got a job. Periodically we would think about getting pregnant on schedule anyway, but that seemed like a bad idea even to me. I was upset, though, at the delay, and increasingly tense about it. When Paul found a new job, we had to wait three months for his health insurance to start, and then it took three more months before I was pregnant.
I conceived right around the time we would have been conceiving our fourth baby, if we’d kept to the same spacing schedule. When we found out we were having twins, it seemed funny–like it was that fourth baby plus the third baby we’d had to delay. As if the babies were backed up in the pipes because we’d had to wait.
When I was pregnant with the twins, it became apparent to me from a series of discussions on the topic that all along Paul had been thinking we could “take it one baby at a time” up to a maximum of four babies. This was not a limit I had understood. I spent that pregnancy half-elated to be having twins, half-upset that this meant everything was my “last” so much sooner than expected: last pregnancy test, last positive pregnancy test daze, last baby-naming, last delivery, last newborn, last nursing, last tiny baby clothes, last all of it. And since it was twins, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to be doing much quiet, melancholy, live-in-the-moment basking, either. I was sadder than I’d have expected, and I also felt like I shouldn’t go around being sad. When you have four children, you don’t get much sympathy if you go around whining about how you’ll never get to have any more.
Plus, in many ways I agreed with Paul. Four seemed like a good place to stop. Four is a nice-sounding number. You can have four children without people thinking you belong to a weirdo cult. Four car seats fit comfortably in a standard minivan. Two older and two younger is a nice arrangement. There were many reasons why four was the right place to stop. One reason it wasn’t: I didn’t want to. But as I’ve mentioned, I may never want to stop. It seemed that I would need to resign myself to that.
After I weaned the twins, I got a prescription for the Pill. We’ve used other, less reliable methods in the past, because it didn’t really matter if there was a whoops, but now I wanted something that wouldn’t let me have that flicker of hope every month. I didn’t want to go as far as a permanent procedure for either of us, but I was willing to take the Pill. I was supposed to take it on the first Sunday following the first day of my next period. I put it in my sock drawer and waited for my period. Which was due any day. Any day now. ANY. DAY. NOW. …Where the hell is it? And here we are. I still have an unused pack of pills in my sock drawer.
A couple of you have asked if this is it, if this is my last pregnancy. As I replied in the comments section, the pregnancy before this one was my last pregnancy. So it’s difficult to say for sure. Paul has threatened to get The Snip, but he doesn’t even make his own dentist appointments: if I don’t set it up, I don’t think he’ll do it.
Personally, I’d like to go for an even half-dozen. We’re already in it for five, might as well have six. Paul says really, truly, this is it, we are done–but he loves babies, and he may find that when we’re not quite so inundated by them he starts to feel a hankering for a fresh one. Stay tuned, that’s all I can say.
In the meantime, tell us all how you’ve been making decisions about whether to have more children, or when to stop. I’m hoping we can do this without making each other feel icky. There are tons of really good, positive reasons for having zero kids, one kid, two kids, however many kids, and Mr. Rogers and I think we can say those reasons in ways that don’t make other people feel icky for having different reasons or making different choices, or having different circumstances that allow for different reasons and different choices. (Or selling anything bought or processed, or buying anything sold or processed, or repairing anything sold, bought, or processed.) (You didn’t catch the reference?)
Also, can we have an understanding that it is okay to stop having children because you don’t WANT any more? I think people feel like they’re not supposed to say that, but I think it’s a totally legitimate reason, don’t you? It’s sensible.
As before, write as much as you want in the comments section (it’s bottomless, I believe), or if you’d prefer, write your own blog post about it and put a link in the comments section. Readyyyyyyyy….GO!
Ooohh, I’m soooo struggling with this, too. I suck at being pregnant and this is the first pregnancy to stick past 28 weeks. However, my DH wants me to get a tubal while I’m on the table and I really don’t. I don’t really think I want another kid, but I don’t want the possibility taken away either.
My second child was my last… at least he was supposed to be the last. I have now have three kids and I’m *definitely* done. Number three wasn’t planned, but now that she’s here, I don’t know how I ever felt my family was complete with just the two kids. I’m sure if another surprise baby came we would feel the same way. The big difference is that we would need a different vehicle to get them places… right now they’re happily crammed into the back seat of our sedan.
I wrote about my baby spacing on my blog, but one thing I didn’t mention is the weird reaction people have when you annouce you’re pregnant with a third (I can only imagine how much worse it gets with #4 or even #5!) YES, I’m aware how babies are made. YES, I have heard of birth control. YES, it’s possible to “do it” with two little kids in the house. Apparently 2 kids is socially acceptable, 3 is pushing it.
My thoughts got really long so it is on my blog http://jbsides.blogspot.com
We’re stopping at one. My pregnancy was miserable and there’s no way in hell I’m going through it again.
That being said, I already want another baby. Maddie’s only three months old, and I miss the newborn days very badly. Every day she gets bigger and more advanced and I just want her to STOP! And I keep thinking about “firsts” that I’ll never see again. This is my first and last baby.
I even find myself smiling fondly at pregnant strangers. I miss those days, too. The anticipation was wonderful. What will she look like? What will she be like? Look at those tiny little onsies!
On the plus side, she gets all of our love and attention. She’s going to be spoiled to death by her grandparents. It’ll be easy to keep up with all her extra-curricular activities and sports when she’s older, too.
Oh so many wonderful and hilarious things in this post. My favorite is the “hankering for a fresh baby”. Hee!
lorid: What is it with people and 3 (or more) babies? I’ve suffered through the following comments upon even SUGGESTING that I might want 3 (or more):
1) They don’t get any cheaper, you know
2) Oh, NO, you don’t want to do that
3) Oh, you say that NOW…
Note that I now have only 1 (one) baby. I think for some reason people are offended or threatened because they think we are saying, “We can handle this so much easier and better than you that we shall keep GOING AND GOING while you are left weeping on the sideline with your pitiful one or two babies”
When what I’m really saying is “I would like to consider having more than the national average number of children with no judgement on your personal decisions whatsoever”.
Swistle, I completely relate to your “in theory one baby at a time” philosophy while secretly keeping Excel spreadsheets of future baby names and stashes of newborn clothes purchased on sale. My brain is very rational/methodical while my uterus cackles madly.
Shannon: I’m the same. It makes TOTAL SENSE for me to get a tubal while I’m in surgery anyway…and yet here I am, not doing it. I don’t like to permanently cut off options.
LoriD: When I found out my third pregnancy was twins, the top most stressful thing for me–the thing that kept me up the most nights–was realizing we’d need a bigger car! Also, you’re totally right: those remarks only get worse with each pregnancy. This time around we’re also getting “Are you CRAZY??” and “I thought you were DONE” and “How long are you planning to keep this up?”
Tessie: Ha ha ha! (“shall keep going and going”)
http://all-d.blogspot.com/2007/04/another-baby.html
:)
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My husband and I always has dreamy stars in our eyes of having a big family. Four kids sounded like the perfect large family, but still an acceptable number. (Like you said, not belonging to a strange many-kidded cult). Then we had one. I remember when he was born thinking, ‘please still want another, let this be doable again.’ I thought about it immediately after his birth and as we hit every new stage. And he was a fun, easy, delightful baby that made me want to have 10 of him. Then we had our second and woah, boy, is two a lot more work than one. They are two years apart and for me that was kind of close. I only had 3 months between them when I wasn’t pregnant or nursing. I was skinny, I was energetic, I was sleeping, I had a clean house. I have longed for the feeling of those three months for so long. And now #2 is a year old and I am skinny again (sort of, the second one really does a number on the smooshy belly). I am still nursing, but I almost have my body back to myself. (My house still isn’t clean, though). And I think I want a third. I think I will wait longer this time. I think I will relax and not worry about everything. I hope I will be one of those skinny pregnant women you only know are pregnant when they turn around and you see the tum. We will see. I have decided that I will only go through the pregnant, birthing, newborn up all night things one more time. Then I get this body back to myself. However, not my heart…that will belong to one more person.
We don’t make any permanent declarations regarding our family size. My motto has become “I’m not pregnant today!” For us, right now, adding to our family does not seem like a good choice. But, next month, our feelings on that might change. We choose to use natural methods of avoiding pregnancy (charting fertility and abstaining during a fertile time) and it has worked, once we learned what we were doing (somewhere between #3 and #4). In our day-to-day lives we can only see the chaos and struggle, but given a little time and perspective, it is possible to long for the feeling of a newborn in your arms. Our decisions are guided by prayer and discussion, and sometimes, just a little bit of chance. :) That is what works for us.
man, my husband might see my blog. no way am I going to write this in there :)
I knew I wanted more than one. I wanted four, he wanted 2. I said I wanted 3, he said he could go either way, but he was fine with the 2. After D was born my insane drive lessened a little. I think I could be happy after this is born. I find that it’s less and less the older they get, so I might get renewed once the newbie comes.
But sometimes in the back of my head I think.. “I really hope we have four someday.”
I feel the same way about newborns.. they are nice.. and cute.. but a lot of work. And as sad as I am that my babies are growing up so fast, they are at a fun age right now and it just gets better.
My husband and I are also on the “one baby at a time” bandwagon…. with a tentative 2-3 kids in total. So far we have one, delightful 8 month old boy. And I WANT A GIRL. So we’re thinking an approximate 2 years age difference -like you- when I was younger I wanted 4-5 years age difference in my kids, but since we got started so “late” (I’m almost 29 and hubby 36)we thought closer spacing would be better so we won’t be in our 60’s with teens… ’cause yikes!
But just one baby isn’t an option for us, I knew right away that I wanted more. Thankfully my husband feels the same way!
We just watched the Crownprince and princess of Denmark going home from the hospital with their second baby (a girl) and I think we both spontaneously ovulated :) So yeah… more kids… coming up!
qgfuuWe’ve always talked about ‘4’ being our magic number as well. However, if after we’d had four kids and I became pregnant again, we’d (my husband and I) would just accept that it was meant to be and go on.
My husband and I haved ‘discussed’ the spacing etc. of future children and we seem to be pretty much on the same page on things.
In fact, because we are crazy (and feel good about it and can do so without worrying too much about another mouth to feed) have started working on #2. Yes, that will mean that Owen and #2 will hopefully be 18 months apart (I’m hoping it ‘takes’ early on–with Owen it took 5 months involving temperature charts and very planned encounters) which is what we have decided will work for our family. I can’t wait for the poor pitying looks when I tell people that #1 and #2 being close together weren’t an accident.
I’m really glad and consider myself very lucky that my husband is as agreeable in this area. I’d be very sad if we had to stop at ‘2’ because my husband had decreed it that way. Heck, if money were not an option and my back, body and mind could withstand it, I’d keep on having kids until my uterus fell out. But that’s just me and not everyone feels that way and that is totally okay.
good grief, I’m about illiterate in my typing today. Please disregard all weird typos–I have someone on my lap ‘helping’ as I type
I’m never sure (now that I have had one) how people ever stop having babies because they are so addictive.
I have an 18 month old and I am 20 weeks along with my second. I think the spacing is only so close because #1 was such a great baby and we starting “trying” again when he was only 9 months old.
This, sadly, will be our last baby. I always dreamed of 4 kids – and hubby thought he would like 3, but becuase of my chromasomal abnormality (two of my chromasomes in my eggs are stuck together and have a hard time splitting once they meet with the “swimmer”) we are going to stop at 2 kids.
I will (do) miscarry at least half of the times I conceive and if I get past 3 months, there is still a 15-20% chance that our children will have severe developmental problems if they make it to 40 weeks (my very first pregnancy ended in stillbirth after 35 weeks).
Testing for #2 has just been completed (genetically balanced – YAY!), and we feel so lucky to have another healthy baby after so many reproductive ups and downs.
So we will stop here, and be thankful that we were blessed with two healthy babies – and enjoy them. The risks in our situation could be worth the end reward of more children – but I’m not sure I am ready to risk my heart and soul to test that theory.
As my 1st pregnancy came to a close last year, we started talking spacing. And then we had the boy and the doctor’s said I would die if I had any more. So we are done. Some days I’m really sad I didn’t get to know he would be our only – I didn’t get to immerse myself in it properly. Other days I just think “I NEVER have to be pregnant again!!!!”. So, yeah. It fluctuates!
I like your style :) I think it’s great that you are on the ‘taking it one baby @ a time’ path. I desperately want another one, but I don’t think we’ll be able to (serious car accident injuries 3 yrs ago).
I know some families who have 5 and 7 kids and they get the rudest comments from people like:
*Are you Catholic?
*Did you try birth control?
*Did you want that many?
That would get frustrating. You should be able to bless your family with as many children as you desire (and are able to). Best of luck to you!
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http://mommietofourrugrats.blogspot.com/
I posted my opinion here
We thought we would stop at two, but I wasn’t convinced. We had an ‘oops’ pregnancy that ended in miscarriage that made me definitely want three, but my hubby said no, just two. Another method of birth control didn’t work and we now have three children. Since we had two boys and our third was a girl, I couldn’t be happier and neither could the hubby. Strangely enough, I felt complete with three. I still have longings for another pregnancy, but I think I’m pretty darn lucky to have three healthy children.
My thinking is along the lines of yours, Swistle. We purposely don’t have a number in mind. Other than we knew we didn’t want just one. My husband is an only child and really wants to give his children at least one sibling. So, two or three or six? We don’t know.
Mostly, our approach is to let whatever happens happen. We’ll figure out the other stuff (financial, etc.) as it comes. Maybe not the most rational, but that’s the route we’re taking. I know lots of parents who talk about college savings, retirement savings, and all that. And that is really smart and makes a lot of sense, and just isn’t the way we’re thinking right now. Perhaps we’ll regret that down the road? Perhaps we’ll just figure it out… cross that bridge when we come to it.
We also lost numerous pregnancies before our first child, and that really affected the way we think about family. We don’t feel like we can plan all that much or predict the future, other than, once we have enough we’ll do something to stop it. Whether or not we’ll agree on what’s “enough” is a whole other question. One we’ll approach when one of us thinks it’s time to approach it.
I think I may end up blogging about this. It’s been on my mind for a while. As for when you should stop, my cousin (who has 5 kids) told me that after you have your 3rd, number 4 and up don’t really make a difference.
I only have had one baby and one miscarriage, and I would like to have more, I suppose, but I have not think about it for too long. My husband and I are Catholic and we don’t use artificial birth control, so it makes it a lot easier for me to not worry about it. Sometimes I worry that I won’t have another baby, that my first baby was a fluke, but that’s it. It’s easy for me to say that it doesn’t bother me to think about having more though because I only have the one. Sometimes I see people at church that have, like seven kids that appear to be under seven and I think Holy Crap! HOW does anyone have time to have sex that often? Aren’t you tired? Don’t those kids keep you up? It blows my mind.
My husband and I had a vague idea of 2 or 4 (even number sounded “right” for some reason). First one was an “oops”. Second one planned and 26 mos later. I thought we were done. Then out of the blue, hubby mentions the “4 kids” idea. OK, but we need to start NOW as I’m getting older. 2 mos after I got off the pill, he started to change his mind. 4 mos later, I got pregnant (33 mos between #2 and #3). Now he declares he’s done, but he also has never made an appointment to get “snipped.” And I’ve never reminded him.
I cannot get over the fact that he basically “promised” me 4, and now we’re only going to have 3. Hey! You owe me a baby! But then I try very, very hard to remember how much tougher the third pregnancy was–and how we’re a financial mess–and how he also renigged on the “promise” that I could stay-at-home after #3 was born (’cause here I am, 2 1/2 years later, still working). But some sort of procreational wiring in my brain won’t stop. Every day I take that pill I think, “I want another baby.” Every day while driving to and from work. Every day while playing with my other kids–specifically the youngest who has grown out of that delicious babyhood way, way too fast for me. I want another one. And I don’t think that thought will ever, ever go away. Maybe he’ll put off that vasectomy for so long that he’ll change his mind????
And also, I agree that 3 seems to be the “pushing it” limit. If you have more than 2 kids, the rude comments do start to fly!
I just clicked thru to CAQuincy’s blog and it looks like a 4th baby did eventually happen. Very cool.
CAQuincy: I love “And I’ve never reminded him” and “Hey! You owe me a baby!”
i’m with you that what is right for one person may not be for the next. my brother and i are 13 years apart and neither of us planned. (my ‘rents were 17 when i was born. i can only imagine that my conception was beneath the bleachers of a football game!)
j and i plan on “planning” our kids. So short of my getting knocked up accidently we will attempt to conceive our first child in 3 years.
my perfect plan would be to get boy/girl twins. one birth, two kids, the end. do you know how much of a wimp I am? i nearly cry at the gyno. squeeze a heiffer baby thru my oh so petite va jay jay makes me want to cry.
however, should i learn to be a big girl i hope that we get to have a boy and a girl at least. if not, i’d go for number 3. he doesn’t like having 3 kids b/c he has extreme middle child syndrome.
so providing i can not have to work and he can support us, we may onward march for number 4 at that time.
but i was a nanny for 5 years, and still watch the kids when im not at this ridiculous day job. and three kids are a lot.
bless you swistle for aiming for the half dozen.
if i wernet a wimp….i’d want a soccer team.
We have a 3 1/2 year old and an 8 week old, and I already want another one. My husband is not at all convinced that we shouldn’t just be finished, and in reality I want four. I’m really hoping I can talk him into trying one more time and then get a set of twins. You know, kind of sneak that extra baby in there.
We traditionally have trouble getting pregnant, so I really want to just let nature take its course at this point, but I started the mini pill last week since he’s horrified at the possibility of having another one so soon.
And in my saner moments I agree with him, but my uterus cackles madly in the meantime, as that other commenter said. :) I love that line!
My second child was my last pregnancy. I was miserable being pregnant, not myself at all.
We always wanted at least three kids (I am one of those who was actually praying for twins so I would get two babies and only have to go through it once).
But even before we had kids, we always felt that after having one or two of our own… to get to experience the wonder of creating a whole new person ourselves… we would adopt another one or two. That was only solidified after complaining my way through my pregnancies! Why would I go through that again when there are plenty of children out there who need a families to love them? As amazing as holding that miraculous infant that grew inside of you is, it weighs on my heart too much that there are so many babies that are born without that love for me to not open my arms to them. I believe I am a good mom and we are fortunate to have a happy loving family and if I want to add another family member to that, I want it to be someone already on this earth who needs it.
That, and I don’t really enjoy vomiting. LOL!
A great post! We are of the “taking it one at a time” until age 38 philosophy. After that, I think I’ll just be too exhausted to do the newborn stage again. Plus, that puts me at 56 before I get an empty house – just in time to think about retirement!
And we aren’t too worried about spacing. They will come when they come.
I have bad pregnancies – incredibly sick all 9 months. But make great babies. People don’t understand why I’d want to go through it again. I can’t explain it – I just do. I just want to be surrounded by little hands and feet and later, big hands and feet and hugs and stories and friends and …
I want another baby, very much. My husband does not. He has two children from previously relationships (one who is with us 100% of the time and the other we support but never see). He says that it would be financially irresponsible of us to have another, and while I can see his point… I was one of seven children myself, and always thought that I would have a larger family myself (yup, four being a nice round number), but I only got one baby. Only one. At least she was a girl. If I had had a boy I would probably have “forgotten” to take my birth control.
We spent over $60,000.00 on fertility treatment to end up with our two girls( a 4yr old, and a 9 month old) and I had 2 devestating miscarriages in between and one failed treatment cycle….so 5 IVF cycles total…plus 2 c-sections, and 2 D&C’s. So….we are definately done…..well done spending money on it and giving myself shots! We are not preventing anything…but I have nasty polycystic ovaries…and as far as I know I’ve never ovulated in my life without meds. I don’t know if it’s from having been so infertile or from the fact that I LOVE being pregnant….but I drool over every baby and pregnant woman I see….I have this twinge in the core of my soul. But I’m lucky to have the two I’ve got…and there are many days (when the baby keeps me up all night and the 4 year old keeps me running all day…and I can’t keep up on the housework or take care of my own needs)….that I think JUST MAYBE….God made me infertile for a reason and I should have listened. Sometimes I dream of what it would have been like to just be with my husband and be able to travel and do as we please with out all the responsibility. BUT then one of the girls does something cute…or just grins at me….and I KNOW it was all worth it! So basically….We’re leaving it up to the big guy upstairs….because I really truly don’t mind either way….my life is great the way it is…and I wouldn’t mind another one as long as it is a BOY. Either way is fine with me.
Smiles,
AManda
P.S. I stumbled on your website looking for instructions on the Evenflo car seat cover removal…which helped greatly and mine only had 4 screws and was very easily removed. But I wouldn’t have figured it out without your instructions.
Amanda- Oh, I’m really glad the car seat instructions helped! I NEVER would have thought I’d have to REMOVE SCREWS to get a car seat cover off, would you?
Being young, just married, and inexperienced in the pregnancy department i can’t say how many i will want. I guess I’d have to see how I feel after the first pregnancy. My husband is oldest of two and offers many arguments for why two is best, mostly involving money, college etc etc. He seems to think you have to have a million saved and a six-figure salary to even consider children. Me on the other hand…I don’t want to sound smug, but I know better.
My mom is a middle child of six and my dad the youngest of eleven. My G-ma had 11 kids in 13 years!!! I’ve always had lots of aunts, uncles, and first cousins. If it were possible (and I don’t know any better) I’ve always thought a VERY large family would be nice. Most likely it’s just nostalgia, since the ten remaining siblings on my dad’s side only had 23 kids between them…guess they didn’t want to be like mom.
Anyhow, maybe I’m just sad that I have a sister and one sister in law meaning that even if they have several children, my kids won’t have nearly as many cousins to play with as I did.
If anyone’s still reading this, I wrote about this topic a little over a year ago. It’s the 10/10/07 post. Sorry, I’m no good with links.
So, 18 months before you decided to ask your DH for another baby, he’d already told you that you guys were done.
And you didn’t listen.
That’s confusing to me. When my husband says he doesn’t want a baby, I listen, and when he says, “you know, this is it because this is all we can afford,” I listen and take it seriously. No matter how much I want a baby.
It just sounds like you’re only interested in your own womb’s rumblings sometimes… that’s all.
Anonymous- I know this is confusing to a lot of people; it’s confusing to me, too, to want something I “shouldn’t.” But I still do want it. My mind apparently doesn’t follow my orders the way your mind follows your orders.
Another reason it’s confusing to people is that they don’t know Paul. He worries about EVERY baby until that baby is born, and then he completely stops worrying: he isn’t good at visualizing the actual baby, but once the baby arrives it’s a 180 degree turnaround.
Even if I didn’t know this from frequent and long-term experience, I don’t think the decision is 100% his to make: I think we should make this decision together, since it affects both of us. But if in your marriage you DO think it’s your husband’s decision to make, I don’t want you to think I’m criticizing that: I think every couple has to work things out for themselves in their own way.
Okay, so maybe this is a weird way to think about things, but here’s my point of view: both of my parents came from large families, and I felt fairly close to most of my aunts and uncles (and many many cousins) for the whole time I was growing up. Family gatherings were BIG! and FUN! and I loved it.
My parents only had my sister and me (4 yrs apart), and Fiance is an only child, so our poor kids will only have one aunt/uncle (if she gets married) and THAT’S ALL. Yes, they will have four sets of grandparents instead of two since all the parents are divorced/remarried, but STILL.
So…is it weird that part of the reason I want multiple children is because I want THEIR kids to have lots of aunts and uncles? Probably. But there you go.
I can see that! My kids have my brother and his wife and kids, plus Paul’s sister. So…two aunts, one uncle, two cousins, and that’s it. It’s not as skimpy as it could be, but it IS pleasant to imagine that my kids’ kids have the potential to have LOTS OF EVERYTHING!