Tessie and I want to talk about spacing babies, and the rest of you are welcome to join us. I feel obligated to warn you that this is one of my favorite topics in the whole world. I will try to edit this post so that it is not the length and breadth of eternity, but I can’t really promise anything.
I will go first, by reviewing the spacing of my own children and how that’s worked out. Settle in: there are a lot of them.
Robert was born first. Our plan was to take things one baby at a time and not plan ahead of time to have a certain number, but to see how things went. I’m not sure how many minutes after Rob’s birth it was when I started planning the second baby. Perhaps it was while I was still pregnant.
Paul and I spent Rob’s babyhood discussing what would be the right spacing between the first and second children. Through questioning and observing, we decided that there was no clearly “right” spacing: too much depends on unknowns such as the personality types of the children. Some siblings love being close in age and some hate it; some siblings love a bigger gap and some feel like they grew up as strangers. We had to choose something, though, and what we decided on was something in the 2-1/2 to 3 year range. That seemed close enough for companionship, far enough to let us breathe a little between children–and far enough to have the first one be a little more house-trained and independent before the second one came along.
I, like so many women before and after me, thought it would be a good idea to have a running start. It was as if I thought that by allowing extra months to conceive, I would use up all my “no luck” months and then get to conceive the first month I actually wanted to. Was I trying to pull one over on Fate or something? Fate thought that was pretty funny. I stopped using birth control four months before the 2-1/2 year spacing time, and got pregnant right away. So our first two children are 2 years 2 months apart.
That spacing has advantages and disadvantages, as do all spacings. It’s close enough that Rob doesn’t remember a time before William was born, and he doesn’t remember William’s arrival. Rob was also young enough (and was of the personality) that he didn’t seem jealous or sad about the new baby. If he’d been older, perhaps he would have better understood the significance of a new sibling, but as it was, we might as well have acquired a new noisy kitchen appliance. He ignored William. We didn’t see any trauma, and we were looking hard.
For the first few years, even a 2-year spacing is too far apart for the kids to have much in common unless the older one is nurturing and wants to do baby things with the baby. A 1-year-old is doing entirely different things than a 3-year-old. Even at ages 6 and 8, Rob is clearly significantly older than William. They can play together, but they’re a kindergartner and a second grader.
Our plan was to have a third baby with approximately the same spacing, since the 2 years and 2 months worked well for us. Then Paul’s employer went out of business, he was out of work for a year and a half, and I got a paying job. People say things like “There’s never a ‘perfect time’ to have a baby”–but there sure are times that can be avoided, and this was one of them. When he found a new job, we waited 90 days for his health insurance to take effect, and then it took three months for me to get pregnant. The twins were born when Rob was 6 and William was 4.
That gives us two more spacings to look at: the 6-year and the 4-year. Rob had not been happy about us having another baby, probably because he considers William a pain in the butt. Two babies was even worse. Until they were born. He loves the twins. They bug him and follow him around and hit him enthusiastically in the face, and he loves them. When he gets home from school he goes to find the twins and play with them and let them flop on him. He talks to them in the higher-pitched voice adults use with small children.
William considers himself allied with Rob as one of the “older kids.” He likes the twins, too, but I think it’s mostly because Rob does and William followed his example. If William had been the oldest, and then a four-year gap before the next baby, I think William would have been jealous and would have felt left out. Four years old is old enough to resent a new baby and to partially understand the impact on the family and the loss of attention. And William is, personality-wise, less independent and more lovey than Rob, which I think makes for a more difficult acceptance of younger children. Even at age 2, Rob seemed to enjoy the “big kid” status that younger siblings give older siblings.
Now we’re having another. This new baby will be born when Rob is 8, William is 6, and the twins are a couple of weeks away from turning 2. Rob has been excited all along, and my guess is that he’ll be even fonder of this baby than he was of the twins, since this time he knows he likes babies. I’ll be interested to see if William at age 6 will be similar to Rob at age 6, and if he’ll be more naturally inclined to like this baby even without Rob’s example.
If the twins are anything like Rob was at age 2, they’ll be a cross between oblivious and annoyed: not understanding that the new baby is a person, and irritable that they can’t be on my lap because the new baby is there–but not with any deeper knowledge of the new baby as interloper, just the same annoyance they’d feel if I had a box on my lap, or a book taking my attention.
But as I said, these things are so affected by the particular child. My brother and I were 2 years apart and we played together all the time, whereas Rob and William are the same spacing but don’t get along well. Rob definitely likes babies better the older he is, but maybe William would have been happier with a baby born shortly after he was. The twins might incorporate this new baby as an honorary triplet, or they might close ranks against him–or maybe Edward will bond to the new baby and Elizabeth will separate even more from Edward.
I would be interested to hear your experiences with baby spacing: what you grew up with, what you’ve done with your own children and/or what you plan to do, what you’ve heard is good/bad, what you’ve always thought would be nice. Go ahead and write a book in the comment section, or write your own post and put a link in the comment section. Tessie and I, we want to hear everything you’ve got.
And soon I think we should discuss a different but related topic: deciding whether or not to have another baby, and deciding when to stop.
My sister and I are three years apart. We were close as little kids but adolescence came between us. I was always fearful that we would never be close again. My father reassured me and he was right. As adults, she is my closest friend.
Once I married, I assumed I would try for a 3 year gap as it was what seemed to ‘work’ for me (my husband is 3 years younger and 10 months older than his two sisters — he’s close with neither). As it turned out, illness intervened and my children are 5 years and 3 months apart. For us and for them, its magical. My older one is a boy, my younger a girl. My son was THRILLED to know he was ‘being a big brother’, as he put it. When the baby was born, his only annoyances were (as you said) when the baby occupied my time but no more than if it were the newspaper or washing the dishes. He was old enough to not resent her being given his toys and crib — he was clearly the BIG kid and he reveled in that. He showed her off and kissed her and is still proud (7 years later) to claim that he received her first smile. My children are now 12 and 7 — my boy is an adolescent himself. These children still adore each other. My daughter thinks the sun rises and sets with her brother. My son tells ME all the time that his sister is the cutest/smartest/most special little girl in the world. He clearly sends a message because all his 12-year old friends are equally indulgent and gentle with his sister.
For me, the other advantage of this spacing was that I was able to indulge myself in the baby during the long hours my son was in kindergarten. He started school when my little one was 3 months old. I could spend entire days playing “This little piggie” and not feel guilty. When he came home, I was more than ready for some older-child interaction. It worked.
My bottom line is this…no spacing is right. Its a combination of what the parents think they need, what they truly need (not known until after the baby arrives) and what the personal interaction of the children is (not known until the baby arrives and is constantly evolving). I just know that 5+ years works for us (I was fearful of having “sequential only children”), much to my delighted surprise.
Well, this is an interesting topic to me since I am in the midst of baby spacing myself (have 1, will start TTCing very, very soon).
Briefly, I will say that I grew up with the idealistic notion that I want to have babies spaced 4+ years apart, so I could enjoy the entire babyhood stage of the family as long as possible and not have all my kids leave the house at once thus thoroughly depressing me.
Then, after various and sundry diplomas and jobs, and realized that baby making and working is, shall we say, incompatible. Not that I’m suggesting anyone should choose either-or -I’m not- but certainly it requires much change about how we work and/or compromise about family raising and/or financial goal shifting, etc etc.
So, I delayed the baby thing until I was 31, and decided that closely spaced babies (
I am always interested to see how women in competitive careers maneuver the shift from career to family and back again (ultimately, blending the two into a sort of dynamic chaos). There is certainly no recipe for success there.
This sounds like it’s all about me, my choice to closely space babies, but it’s not. My husband wanted close babies off the bat, coming from a closely spaced family himself (unplanned, but nevertheless). Financially, emotionally, physically, this is what’s best for my whole family, in the end.
I have a pipe dream about having 3 children instead of the currently planned limit of 2, but it’s still just a thought. We’ll see how it goes with 2.
We wanted two years apart but will be closer to three years. It took us six months to conceive when we thought it would be a lot sooner.
I am interested in this topic as I am currently trying for Number 2 (uh, a second baby, not that I’m . . . constipated, or something) and am constantly plagued with Doubts and Concerns. Riley is 19 months and I oscillate between thinking OH MY GOD TWO BABIES (so much WORK!) and all the potential positives you mention about closer spacing plus the notion that the diapers etc will be over and done in a shorter overall amount of time.
I am even more fascinated with the topic of Whether To Have Another Baby At All, because that one is definitely a challenge. It seems like there are so many logical, good reasons not to, and YET, here we are essentially trying to win the lottery for a second time.
I love this topic! I am the oldest of 4 and we are all almost exactly 2 years apart. I was closer to the brother 4 years younger than me than to my brother 2 years younger or my sister 6 years younger. As adults we all get along pretty well. Now that I have my own child (a boy, 15 months) we are starting to figure out the baby-spacing thing for ourselves. My husband is the one with the baby fever here–we’ve been married for 5 years and he wanted to have kids right away. We ended up waiting about 3.5 years. He wants to try for another one RIGHT NOW. He wants 5 kids, which I actually think would be great, but I panic when I think about how much that would cost. With that many kids (and because my husband is a teacher), I don’t think we could do the single-income thing, but on the other hand, would having that many kids while also working drive me insane? What I’m still not sure of is the right spacing. If we realistically have 3 or 4 kids, do we have them all close together? Do we wait 3-4 years between each one? We’re 27 now, so I would have time for that, but I’m not sure I want to still be having kids in another 10-12 years. Another thing, how many c-sections can a person have? I had one emergency one with my son, and I’m worried that I might be limited to only 2 more. Does anyone know anything about that? Maybe I could try a VBAC with the next one. Sorry this is so rambly….
I didn’t plan a single pregnancy, so keep that in mind when I give my long, rambly, most likely incoherent response.
My kids are currently 5.5, 4.5, 3.5 and 19 months. I had 3 children in 23 months and than another a year later. This is certainly more closely spaced than anyone planning their pregnancies would have children, I assume. But, it has worked beautifully for our family. None of the kids has ever had jealousy issues when a new baby has been introduced to the family, as least not to the degree that interrupts daily life. Now, because the oldest was only 2 when we had #3, she was not very helpful, which a lot of moms cite as an advantage of having more space between children. We were blessed in that the first two kids were girls and then two boys–so built-in playmates is a major advantage. I don’t have to schedule playdates for my kids (but I do schedule them for my sanity!) because they can always play with each other. Sometimes the girls play together to the exclusion of the boys, and sometimes they break up in a different way.
I think one of the biggest factors in determining spacing (assuming you are a rational person that plans these things) is your and your spouse’s tolerance for mild chaos and disorder. My house is noisy, my house is not as clean as I would like, our vehicle options are limited. But, that is all okay with me. Sure, there are times where I feel completely overwhelmed–but that is parenting, regardless of how many kids you have and how closely spaced they are.
I have enjoyed the two year age gap between my boys. We have definitely enjoyed the youngest’s baby stage a lot more. We are loving seeing our boys develop a friendship and becoming playmates.
I wouldn’t change the spacing we have, but if I had been planning I most likely would have tried for approximate two-year intervals.
Regarding paying for all these kids–there are ways to save money and be frugal. We don’t worry about paying for our children’s college–if we can, great, but we don’t regard that as very high on the parenting measuring stick. I pray that my children will never say “I wish so-and-so wasn’t here so Mom and Dad could pay for my tuition.” Our worth as parents has much more to do with our children’s character than with our ability to give them everything. At least, that is my opinion. So, your ability to parent your children in the best way you determine would be influenced by how many kids you have and the spacing between them.
In the end, we don’t really know what is ideal until we are living it, I think.
I love everyone’s comments so far! This is SO FUN. I wasn’t even going to pop in and start commenting on the comments, but Kathi asked about c-sections and I don’t want that question to get lost.
I’ve heard different things. One of my friends said that her OB told her that it was not a good idea to have more than 4 c-sections. I’ve talked to two OBs on the subject for myself; the first one said, “Have as many as you want–be Ethel Kennedy for all I care” (apparently Ethel Kennedy had eleven c-sections), and the second one said, “There’s no limit; I can evaluate things while I’m in there doing each c-section, and I can let you know if things look risky for another.” I’ve had three c-sections, I’m heading for a fourth, and so far everything’s still fine–though I’ll be interested to hear his report after this one.
Interesting subject!
My twins were just 2 when number 3 arrived. #3 was a complete surprise! If I had it to do over again, I probably would have waited a little longer with the spacing, but it all happened by fate.
And yes, 2 year olds are very helpfuL!
I came from a family with a set of twins first (I am one), 3rd child born 27 months later. Then 4th 4 years later, then the total suprise 5 years later.
I differently didn’t want to do the 4-5 year spacing, because sister 4 and 5 could not get along at all growing up!!! So many fights, sister 5 could have been an only child, and first child. (the way she acted).
To this day my sister (#5) still is the odd one out. She gets picked on by my sisters still at home. I really feel for her!
Swistle- I’m very curious to hear about if you are having anymore! Right now I’m saying no, but I’m sure when our baby is about 14 months old, I’ll start wondering when we will have another! (I’m just NOT going to voice this feeling or else somebody might hear! ;) )
But if you ask right now, I’d probably thump you! :D
Oooooh! I like this discussion. Thanks Swistle!
I’m having Number 2 (baby) in July, giving about 19 months between. We didn’t plan it, either, but took the just-let-it-happen-if-it-does approach. If the ultrasound is right, it will be two boys.
I’m thrilled because I come from a family of four kids and we’re all close in age. My parents win the prize for having their first two children TEN MONTHS apart. No kidding there and the second was not premature. It actually happened that way. Then came me, less than two years behind. Then my youngest sister who was a whopping three years later.
For a long time, my youngest sister felt a little left out, I think. The first three kids were less than three years apart, and we were the “big kids.” She was the baby and never liked that.
Now we’re all adults and my sisters and I are very close. We’re at similar stages of our lives and can share a lot.
I’m all about kids close together. Of course, I may think differently when I’ve got another baby in July.
ahh I love this too. I am the oldest of 3, with one at 4 years and another at 11 years younger. Now I don’t really see them as “ages” (actually I have no idea how old they are without doing math hehe) and I remember loving having a baby around the house when I was 11 and old enough to really appreciate it. I remember my middle sib arriving but I don’t remember much else until much later.
And then I had one baby, and saw some people I know having them 2 years apart and I swear I am not a ditz but it just dawned on me that yeah, I have always liked that idea, BUT it never occurred to me that I had the freedom to decide that.
So when #1 was not quite 9 months old we tried for #2 and got lucky the first and only time. We’d decided we’d start trying at 9 mos but we were bored one night, you see… They are almost 18 mos apart and it’s a great spacing for them because #1 was very easy, is very social. She saw the baby and she was always gentle and nurturing to him even at 18 months old. She would sit there and rub his back, pet his hair, put his pacifier back in. It was just too cute.
#2 is why I think it totally depends on the baby. When he was 9 months old there was no way he was ready for me to be pregnant. Each time I got pregnant I did so only after I evaluated whether the current nursling would be okay with a sudden weaning. #1 was on all table foods by 9 months so I wasn’t worried about her, but #2 wasn’t even eating any kind of “food” at 9 months, he had no interest, he was so much more a “baby” and dependent on me. So, we waited – during which time I kept flip flopping whether I wanted another one or not. Some days I was 100% sure I did and some nights I’d lie in bed 100% sure I was done.
When #2 was about a year old we started trying again and #2 and #3 will be almost exactly 2 years apart (same month, even!)
One other thing I thought about was the spacing between #1 and #3, I didn’t want them to be too far apart. And I think I’ll be done after this (at least unless the husband suffers some sort of cranial event) I always said I wanted 4 but I think 3 is better for us because it saves money on a car and I know that sounds ridiculous but before I got pregnant I made sure I could fit 3 car seats in my car in various sizes and configurations. “hey kids, your youngest sibling was only here because mommy’s car had that extra 2 inches!” It sounds so SHALLOW when I say that but we can’t afford a new car. We do the kid thing frugally but not only can’t I afford a van, I can’t afford to put gas in one either.
Now to add to my book I’ve always wanted them close not to get it over with but because life comes in stages. And I do enjoy them each; there’s more time in the day than people think, at least according to me. But they will be close, I just hope #3 is close. Sometimes I fear 1 and 2 will gang up on 3, or there will be an odd one out… that I got lucky with how close these two are. I will be sad when they all leave me almost at once to go to school. Also, I am officially Too Old For This S&%$ and as it is I will be in my 50s with a college aged kid in my house.
Oh, I meant okay with a POSSIBLE sudden weaning. I didn’t ditch them the moment I found out. I’m still nursing the #2… I nursed #1 till she weaned herself and I was in my 20-ish weeks. Not that you asked.
I just remembered this….my mom’s sisters are 19 and 17 years older than her. How’s that for baby spacing? She grew up basically as an only child and is much closer in age to her nieces and nephews than her sisters.
Oooh, I like this topic too since I’m personally going through it right now.
My son was born last June after a year of trying to get pregnant. We were finally relieved when we saw those double lines since before we started trying initially we were “preparing” ourselves for a baby. So it felt more like multiple years of trying even though the act of it was a year.
We talked about when we wanted to start trying for #2 a couple months after our son was born. Since I was breastfeeding I wasn’t sure how in control of that we would be. We thought it would be nice to have them close together in age.
Since it took so long the first time, we decided to take the stance of “we’re trying but we’re not trying”. My hope was (kind of like yours) that by missing out for a few months that when we started to really get desperate we would have shaved off those negative months already. I figured if we got to the point where he was a year old and still not pregnant, we’d pull out the fertility paraphernalia again and get going.
I ended up getting my first period at 5 months p.p. I didn’t think much of it, assuming that it was still going to be a while before another pregnancy came along.
Only, nope, SURPRISE!! The next month we were pregnant with #2. I couldn’t believe it, I was pretty shell shocked.
I’m due at the end of august so our kids are going to be about 15 months apart. It scares me at times, I often feel like I’m a loner in this position. I know I’m not but no one around me will know what it’s like so I feel a bit secluded.
Of course I worry about the spacing, if my son will take it ok, what will the next one be like? But in the end I figure that it’s more about their personalities than the time frame.
I had a sister six years older than me, one seventeen months younger than myself, and my other sister was about four years younger. I would say I am closest, at least personality-wise, to my younger sister. I don’t know that the age spacing had anything to do with it, though- I think my middle sister’s personality and mine are just so different that sometimes it’s hard to relate or get along. And my oldest sister was just too much older for me to have much in common with.
When my next youngest sister and I were in high school and were getting crushes on the same guys and hanging out with some of the same people… That was tough. So maybe it was partly the age gap that made us more prone to fight. Maybe it was just tough having a sister so close in age. Lots of clothes stealing issues.
Our two kids will be about 23 months apart, which was close to what we were going for. I originally thought three years, but then Addy was such an easy baby we both got baby fever and were trying again when she was nine months old. I had a miscarriage right before her first birthday, then got pregnant again two months after that. This one is a boy, so I’m curious how that will go, since hopefully they won’t have the same fighting over guys and earrings problems that my sister and I did!
I am 2 years 9 months younger than my sister and we have never gotten along, it’s better now that we are adults, but I blame her personality. ;)
My brother is 5 yrs 4 mo younger and we got along well as kids. he and older sis also never got along – personality again…
we wanted an 18 mo difference, but I had a miscarriage and then it took us a long time to get pg again, so they are 2 years and 1 month apart. I’m only 8 days in, but it’s going well so far. :) I think our son’s personality amkes a big difference in that though, so we’ll see how it goes over the next few months/years.
My sister is about 2 yrs. 9 mos. younger than me and that was about perfect for us. I liked to be the big sister when I was little. . . we hit a rough patch when I was about 13, although I think most 13 year olds hit a rough patch with 90% of the people in their lives so. . . but I was thrilled when we were in high school together for one year before I went off to college. Now we are close in theory, but have very different lives in different places and don’t get to connect very often.
My brother is nearly 9 years younger than I am. I was more like a second mom to him and I had a really hard time when he was a teenager. . . he was always trying to be cool and was a totally smart a** and that didn’t sit well with me. Now he is 21 and we are learning how to relate to one another as adults. He came to Ohio to go to college at my alma mater, which was pretty cool, and only lives about ten minutes away. It’s weird, in some respects he’ll ALWAYS be nine years old to me; the age he was when I left home. I’m sure younger siblings everywhere are cringing at that commment.
My mom always says she wishes she’d had a child closer in age to my brother. He ended up living like and only child for about six years. However, I don’t think he minded too much. He had the run of the house, didn’t have to share a car with anyone, and was allowed to do things way faster than we were because he was number 3 and a boy.
As for my plans. Harper is almost two and a half and we are just now thinking about another one. She was fairly easy until about 8 months and then her iron will came out loud and clear. She’s a great kid and I love her; just not sure I could handle another one right now. I’m also in grad school, set to finish in November, and that has been a factor in our “timing” as well. With Harper we pretty much became instantaneously pregnant so I want to make sure we feel relatively comfortable before we try again. Aside from logistics our thoughts on planning were that we’d like children to be close enough to enjoy each other somewhat and far enough that they don’t compete for the same kinds of things at the same time. But so much depends on their personalities, who knows how much difference all this planning makes!
Incidentally my huband’s sister is about a year and two weeks younger than he is. His mom was big as a house in the pictures of his first birthday. Since they were a boy and a girl, I don’t think the competativeness ever became too intense. My in-laws liked having the stages come and go kind of all at once. I know that I could have managed if we’d had another one that close, but I’m relieved we didn’t. That’s just me; this parenting thing has turned out to be so much more difficult than I ever imagined. I thought I would be better at it somehow, which has also factored into our decision not to rush into another.01
We originally wanted the kids 2 years apart. When Nicholas was 1, we decided to wait – he was a handful and I had just weaned Nicholas. Our kids are 3 years apart. Almost to the day!
My brother and I are almost 3 years apart – that was nice. Gavin and his brother are 6 years apart. Gavin didn’t like that because he never had a chance to stand up for himself because his brother was always bigger and knew more than him – he was the one who wanted the kids close together.
You’re a better woman that I am. I’m done. This uterus is closed for business!!
Fun topic!
We chose to have our children close together. We were lucky in conceiving quickly with both children. I’m due in 27 days and our kids will be 18 months apart.
I personally wanted to get the pregnancy/baby/diaper/breastfeedingstage over with sooner. It’s a personal choice. I realize all stages have their challenges, however all stages don’t require my body to sacrifice.
Hopefully, this spacing will work well for our family. I know that I’ll be very busy and probably feel as if I’m going insane. It amazes me how many people have opinions about how close in age our children will be and frankly, I’m tired of hearing how brave/stupid/crazy we are.
I plan on not having more children after this one. I’m not sure if we could financially support a third child. And I really don’t wish to be pregnant again.
I am the youngest of three kids, the oldest a boy, middle girl, and of course I’m a girl too. My parents had a baby every two years, give or take a couple of months.
I am and have always been very close to both my brother and sister. Since I had such a lovely childhood with them, I have always wanted to replicate that spacing with my own kids. My son is now 15 months old and I am about 10 weeks pregnant with number two. So that means that Max will be about 22 months old when number two is born. Sometimes I freak out that it will be hard having them that close together, but I think ultimately it should be great.
I plan on keeping about the same spacing (maybe just a few months longer) for baby #3… and possibly #4. We’ll just see how it goes. Just like a couple other people, I am concerned about how many c-sections this ol’ bod can take, though.
I love this post and all the comments! =)
Sometimes I freak out that
My older sister is two years older than me. We fought like crazy as kids, but now we’re CLOSE CLOSE CLOSE. I think if you can handle sibling rivalry for the first few years of not-yet-so-maturity, being two years apart (or perhaps even closer) works out wonderfully in the end. I know several other girls who have older sisters within a year of them who are SO close. I really think it’s a wonderful, rewarding relationship once both girls grow up a little.
I do not have any children yet, but my boyfriend and I are currently trying to concevie our first. Obviously, we will have to reevaluate once the first comes, but our current plan is have the first one, then 2 year spacing, then 18 month spacing, then 14 month spacing, and if no twins were conceived, two year spacing. My boyfriend is an only child, and wants a big family. My siblings and I are 19-21 months apart each (there are 4 of us total). I love the idea of a close, large family. I guess we will see how it goes!
My sister and I are 5 years apart. We fought constantly until she went to college and I went to high school. We had nothing in common until we became adults, I suppose. Now we talk all the time and get along really well.
My husband and I wanted about 2 years between our kids, but it took longer than we thought it would to conceive #2. Silly us, we thought that since we conceived our daughter the second month of trying we’d be just as lucky the second time around. It took us 16 months of trying to get pregnant with our son.
Our children are exactly 3 1/2 years apart and it has worked out beautifully. Our daughter is the biggest helper (bringing diapers, re-inserting the pacifier, giving lots of hugs and kisses to comfort him) and has displayed no signs of jealousy, despite the decreased amount of time I can spend with her one on one.
As others have said, I think the personalities of the children has a lot to do with how they get along, regardless of the age gap. My daughter is a Type A personality (like me) and my son so far is a Type B (like my husband). I can only hope they’ll get along this well long into the future. I have a feeling, though, once he’s mobile enough to get ahold of her toys, we’ll enter a whole new realm of sibling relations.
I am 9 1/2 years older than my only sister. While we always got along, we weren’t close until she was in college. Scott is 3 years older and 4 1/2 years older than his two brothers. They fought a lot as kids but are very close now. I wanted spaaaace between our children; he wanted them close together. After Katherine was born, we thought we’d start trying when she was 2 1/2 or 3, but a job loss changed our plans. Eli was born when K. was almost 4 1/2, and I think it’s been great for us and for them.
I think we’ll start trying for number three next spring/summer. If things work out, K. will be seven when #3 is born, and E. will be 3.
Beyond that, I don’t know. Four or more would require a major house renovation and the purchase of a larger vehicle!
After the last person left my son’s first birthday party, my husband and I turned to each other and said, “Hey, let’s start trying again! You never know, it might take awhile, so let’s get going on that, shall we?”
And I was thusly impregnated that evening.
My boys are 21 months apart.
My husband would love one more, but until he sprouts a uterus we’re pretty much done.
I may be the only person who doesn’t love this topic… because it kinda stresses me out.
I was 2 years older than my sister. We got along great, always have. Best of friends.
My husband was 9 years older than his brother. They got along as you’d expect with so much space bewteen then, and are fine now, but I wouldn’t consider them close.
Hubby’s MUCH less concerned about baby-spacing than I am, and I am constantly worried that we will have waited too long. Our son will be three in 2 months and we’re trying for #2 now.
If it all works right, at least #1 will be potty trained before #2 arrives. *Fingers crossed!* I’m hoping for the helpful older sibling, as well as getting to fully enjoy the babyhood of #2 while the older one’s in preschool. I’m nervous about #1 adjusting, though… he’s quite used to getting all of our attention at this point.
good topic, though. :)
I forgot to comment on the c-section question. I have had 3 (my second child was an uplanned breach VBAC deliverY). My doctor said I was fine to have at least one more, and after that we would consider the circumstances. Like someone else mentioned, the doc can take a look at the scar tissue situation and things like that while performing a c-section and give his assessment regarding future deliveries. Each woman is different, so there is no definite limit.
On a side note, my VBAC was so traumatic that I prefer c-sections now. My recoveries are always smooth, which I know is not always the case, but I don’t plan on anymore VBACs unless I have several more children (not likely at this point, I think).
Love it, love it, love the entry, love the comments, love everything! I find the following arguments the most interesting/compelling:
1)In favor of short spacing: That the siblings will not remember a time without each other
2)In favor of longer spacing: That the parents get a chance to breathe and fully enjoy the babyhood of each baby
Also an issue for me (possibly in favor of shorter spacing) is leaving open the possibility for 3+ babies without dragging it out into eternity…
I myself have a sister 2 years younger, which I think we both enjoyed. My sister and I get along great, which I attribute mostly to our personalities and not to our spacing. As so many have said, I think it’s hard to make many arguments on this issue based on what’s best for the kids when that so much depends on your particular family and the personalities of your particular kids.
That’s why I’m the most interested in comments about what was best for the parents, since we know what OUR personalities are like, if not those of our hypothetical future babies!
Thanks Swistle!
Oh, Swistle, this is a subject of such great interest to me. We have two and they are two years apart. Since we decided to sell our house and move during the time I was hugely pregnant and then had a newborn, it felt like way too close. But now that baby girl is a year, and baby boy is 3 I feel like it’s a good space. My big question is IF there will be a third. When Jack was this age (1) we were thinking and planning and getting ready to try for #2. Now that #2 is this age I am NOT ready for #3. I’m giving myself at least another year without thinking about it, and then maybe when #2 is 3 and in preschool, then we will consider #3. We’ll see.
Thank you for this post! I have asked a few people their thoughts on baby spacing, and none have been so elaborate. I appreciate your reflections! (Our baby is 11 months…we’re thinking of trying again in August, which would hopefully create a two year age difference.)
This post is so helpful & thoughtful and I just adore the comments. After revisiting this post due to a flurry of twitter activity yesterday I was wondering if you would consider revisiting the subject with your current thoughts on spacing now that your children are older?
I’m in the midst of fretting about whether and when to try for a second myself now…