I have received a high school graduation announcement for one of the little babies I took care of back when I worked in a daycare. First of all, the passage of time is astonishing. ASTONISHING. Second of all, I need to think about what to send as a response and I have no idea: I think this is the first high school graduation announcement I’ve ever had to deal with.
My first thought was that I really dislike the whole CONCEPT of graduation announcements, and I remember with some distaste my own high school peers talking about how much money they hoped to rake in. On the other hand, that’s not why I think I’ve been sent this card: the baby’s mother has sent me a Christmas card EVERY SINGLE YEAR since I took care of her daughter, always with a school picture. So I interpret this announcement not as a hope for money AT ALL: it was sent by the mother and not the child, and I take it as a “Look at our baby girl all grown up!” + including me on the mailing list because I am someone who would be interested in the child’s milestones, which indeed I am.
Speaking of milestones, another issue is that for most kids I consider high school graduation an interesting milestone but not a huge accomplishment: definitely it is a huge accomplishment for some, but not GENERALLY, and I think not in this case. And I dislike the over-praising for Every Single Accomplishment: gifts and ceremonies for preschool graduations! for fifth-grade graduations! FLOWERS for general and halfhearted participation in the elementary school concert! Standing ovations for EVERYTHING! etc. Not that I put high school graduation into this category, but I still prefer not to Overdo It. [To clarify this a little more, I consider high school graduation a huge and important and exciting milestone and transition, like learning to walk/talk or going through puberty. But for most people, I don’t consider it a huge accomplishment: i.e., it didn’t take exceptional or unusual effort to achieve it, and FAILING to achieve it would have been the unusual/exceptional thing. In a different community, where the outcome was less assured, I would feel differently.]
So combining “I dislike the whole concept of high school graduation announcements” + “I think of it as a milestone not a huge accomplishment,” I thought perhaps I would send a congratulatory card with some sentimental reminisces and sincere positive hopes for her future. But I said so to Paul, and his jaw literally dropped open. He is fully on the side of sending a check, and thinks it is a little shocking that I would show such indifference by not sending money or a present. I said, “Like…$20?”—thinking of that as pretty generous. He said, “FOR A BABY YOU USED TO TAKE CARE OF??”—as if I were Scrooge Himself and the child were a shivering orphan on the street corner begging for a dime. He countered with $50, and I said that’s what we spend on a WEDDING gift.
On one hand, I don’t want to be a cheapskate, and I want to fit in with the normal societal standards: if sending $50 is the norm, sending $20 can seem to send a message of lower regard. And I want to make sure I adjust for the changing value of money, so that I am not the little old lady sending a $5 check for someone’s wedding because that’s what I got at my wedding 50 years ago. On the other hand, I don’t want to give in to pressure of the sort that has people thinking they need to give a wedding gift that costs double what the couple spent per plate. And people have different amounts of discretionary income to work with, and I think that makes any kind of “set amount” ridiculous.
Besides, the normal societal standard will vary from one community to another. In some communities, $20 is what is given to the doorman for hailing a cab, and high school graduates are given pen/pencil sets from Tiffany. In other communities, only grandparents will send money for graduation; everyone else will send a card or maybe they’ll call. In other communities, no one will send out announcements but most people will have potluck pool parties. And so on. What we think is normal for everyone will be based heavily on (1) the community in which we grew up and (2) on the community in which we currently live.
And of course the relationship between the sender and the graduate may factor in. Some people will have a set amount ($20, say, or $50) that they send to every single graduate, but others will send more to the dearly loved babysitter and less to the child of an acquaintance. Some will send a check to a graduate they don’t know very well, but a gift to someone they’re close to. Some will send checks/gifts to non-family members, but nothing to family members because in their family they don’t do gifts for graduations.
So here is my own set of variables. I currently live in a community where I don’t know what the typical situation is—but I might be able to find out by asking around a bit. I SUSPECT that some people send checks and some people don’t, and I would expect the checks to be in the $20/$30 range but I guess I’m basing that on myself, which is what shocks Paul and he lives in this community too (though he doesn’t know EITHER). Paul grew up in a community where, when he graduated QUITE a few years ago, a $20 check was received with almost no impact; he says that if I want the child to think, “Whoa, WHO is this?” (as opposed to adding the check to the stack without noticing who sent it), the check would need to be at least $50. This makes me feel like flailing my fists until I hit someone, ANYONE (probably Paul, for being such an ingrate back then), but it also influences me. On the other hand, none of this information pertains to the community the child herself lives in, which I don’t know anything about.
My relationship with the graduate is that I took care of her for six to eight hours a day every weekday for probably nine months or so, back when she was a baby. So of course she won’t remember me at all, but her mom used to stay and chat a bit each day, and she’d also come at lunchtime to nurse the baby so we’d chat then too. I’ve had no contact with the child since then, except that her mother sends me a Christmas card each year with a school picture. I remember the baby very well, but find it hard to connect that baby with this current 18-year-old.
I think a poll would be worse than useless here, because it gives the WHAT but not the WHY, and because it only allows for one answer when most people probably have several answers depending on circumstances. And although I’m looking for input on this particular situation, this is not the only graduation announcement I’ll need to reply to in my life. So what I’d be interested in would be hearing, in general, how you respond to high school graduation announcements: Do you send a gift? a card? a check? nothing? How much do you spend? How does it vary depending on the particular child? And so on.
This probably won’t help you, since I’m from a small town near the capital of Canada (i.e. not a community that is comparable to yours): I’ve never heard of sending out high school graduation announcements, let alone anyone getting gifts/money for graduating from anyone other than maybe their parents. I didn’t get anything from my parents for it, but I suppose it’s possible others I graduated with did.
I’ll be interested in other’s responses, because on the other hand my rule of thumb for wedding gifts once I was out of school was at least $100 if I went alone and at least $150 if I brought a date. I’ve been thinking recently that I should up this since that was established 20 years ago. Maybe we give gifts for fewer things here, but larger amounts for the occasions we do give gifts for? I’m certainly NOT trying to say that my amounts are the right ones, just that that’s what I do, and I’m sure there are many that give more and many that give less, and I’m curious what other people will say.
And if I were to receive a graduation announcement for someone I haven’t seen in years, I’d probably at least intend to send a congratulatory care of the sort your first impulse was to send. As to whether I’d actually do it, or just end up sending an email to the mom saying “Wow! Time flies!”? Well… if I’m being honest? I’m more likely to do the latter. High school graduation isn’t that big a deal to me, and I’m not that great at formal correspondence and get chastised for never sending pictures of my kids to anyone, not even those that want them.
Drat! Typo! Make that “congratulatory card”.
I don’t think you need to send anything in this case. You haven’t seen the child in nearly twenty years. Think about that for a moment. I don’t think the mom will be standing there with a checklist to see who has and who has not sent a gift so it’s not like you’ll be off the Christmas card list. If you do want to do something, a $10 Starbucks card with a note of congratulations and “Treat yourself!” or something might be more than enough. It’s not the same as a child of a close friend (I think I gave $40 last year to my friend’s son after much debate in our circle) or even someone you see at church or the bank or wherever. I would certainly not send $50 in this situation.
I was going to suggest the starbucks card as well (maybe you could do two $10 ones, one for the graduate and one for the mother, with whom you had the real relationship. After all it is the mother/father’s accomplishment as well.)
One doesn’t expect a coffee card to have more than 10 bucks on it, and it would get the graduate two or maybe three (depending on her habits) nice starbucks drinks.
I agree with you, Kate. I would send a congratulatory card, and maybe a $10 gift card, at the very most. I don’t understand why the parent send the announcement to someone who has not been in touch with their child for 15 years or more. Seems inappropriate, almost.
I think that if you truly feel like the announcement was sent just as a way to alert you of a milestone, and not as a cash grab, it is perfectly fine to just send a congratulatory card. Then if you choose to include a twenty, it will be a nice surprise, since nothing was really expected. When I graduated from HS eleven years ago many people gave me cards with $20, and I got two gifts of $50 from people and that was very exciting and completely unexpected. I didn’t send out announcements but still got a good amount of gifts/money from people who had known me growing up and were aware that I was graduating. This was in a relatively small town of mostly middle and upper middle class. The only people I’ve known that graduated in the past two years have been nephews and we gave them each $50.
Of course, even if it was meant as a cash grab you obviously still don’t have to send anything!
I don’t know how much help I can be – in the area where I live a $300 wedding gift is the norm and it would be at least $50 for a graduation (more if it’s close family) but then that would be ONLY if you were invited to the party. I did not send and have never received a “graduation announcement”. So I would say send the email. If she was looking for a gift she would have invited you to the party.
I just spent 50 on a graduation gift, but it was for a close, beloved relative. I think a $20 gift card to Target or the above Starbucks idea is a safe bet. I live in a large city in the Midwest and I think $20 is the norm if you aren’t close family. However, a simple card or nothing is perfectly acceptable also.
I vote a nice card with a Starbucks gift card. I don’t think you’re obligated to send money for someone you haven’t seen and are just on card exchange basis with.
Wow, I had no idea this was a custom. I’m also Canadian, and the grand total I received in hs graduation gifts was … nothing. Including close relatives/parents. It’s just not a “thing” (or wasn’t in my area, at least). Fascinating to hear how things are done differently elsewhere.
I’m Canadian as well and all this graduation celebration stuff is soooooooo foreign. Even when I graduated from university, we just went out for dinner… no graduation parties, monetary gifts, etc… So, getting all these American invites for graduates here is a culture shock every time:)
How about a check for $20.14? I remember receiving a few of those types of checks when I graduated years ago. That amount makes it seem more like a cute tie-in to the occasion, rather than a fiscal matter.
This is exactly what I do for this kind of circumstance. If I’m very close to the graduate I give more.
Ditto. I only do this for close friends/former students.
Also, as a preschool teacher, thank you for the virtual eye-rolling about preschool graduations. I get some heat about why I don’t host them, and my standard answer is, “It confuses the children who continue on for the summer,” but what I want to say is, “Graduations should be reserved for when the next stage of education is OPTIONAL.”
Sorry. Sore subject.
I am a big fan of giving whatever you think is best, and to heck with expectations from the recipient or the surrounding environment. I think a card is lovely, especially if you reminisce about the past and give good wishes for the future. If you want to give a gift, I like the scale of the aforementioned Starbucks gift card. Do you know where/if the student is going to college? A gift card to a local place might be fun, like frozen yogurt or pizza or cupcakes or coffee or movie tickets or something. But, the bottom line is, do whatever you think is best and conveys your level of relationship. A card with a message and a big “GO, STATE!” (or whatever) is perfectly good.
I don’t think you need to do anything, but I have fondness for kids I babysat for many years ago and have not seen since. Do you know if she is going to college? If so, a small Target gift card with a note saying she could get something for her dorm room would be a very nice gesture. Let us know where you end up!
I agree that a cash gift is not necessary or expected, and that a card would be a really nice gesture. I think it also matters that YOU provided childcare to the grad.
If she were a longtime babysitter of YOUR kids, then maybe it would be a nicer and *slightly* more expected gesture to give a gift, but in this case, a card is more than lovely.
I agree about sending a card with memories, and maybe a copy of “Daddy Long-Legs” or another fun going-off-to-college book. Or perhaps a cute and/or useful item they might not have thought of? Alternatively, a gift card to their college bookstore?
Interesting….I’m from the midwest and all the graduation announcements I’ve received are invitations to open houses. Not sure if this is the case here, but I would consider an announcement different than an open house invitation. I think an announcement might mean that a gift is not expected…but who knows??
Back when I graduated from high school in 1997, it seems like the cash I received was in the $5-$30 range, with most being $15-20.
I think my parents give around $30-$40 now to the open houses they are invited to, but they are old almost empty nester’s with more disposable income than they used to have. ;) I’m not to the age that I am invited to graduations for my friend’s kids, but I get invited to my younger cousins. I usually give $20, I’d probably give a bit more but I figure that these cousins are getting $50 from my parents and $15-20 from me and 2 of my siblings.
Long story short, I don’t think it would be bad to send a card with the memories and that’s it. But if it were me, I’d probably give $15-$20.
I do think that $50 is way too much ;)
One thing that might be very nice is if you could find the evaluation letter you wrote for the child when she was a baby at daycare. I didn’t send out graduation announcements, but an old teacher of mine found out that I was graduating from college (many many years ago), and she sent my mom the old pre-k report about me. It was completely fascinating for all of us to see how my inchoate self had become my adult self, and it was a message I prize still to this day.
I think this is a brilliant idea. I also was thinking something that she would find interesting about how she was as an infant would be a neat gift, but no cash gift is necessary in this situation.
I would send a card, and a check or gift card. I think $20 is perfect for someone like that. I usually send more (probably $50) to a close relative like a niece or nephew, but in this case $20 sounds perfect. I received a graduation announcement from a neighbor girl this year, and sent a card and $20. My son graduated last year, and he mostly got $20 from not so close family, and more from closer family. My nephew is graduating this year, and I got him a $50 Visa, so he can spend it anywhere he wants.
My rule of thumb is $50 for a family member and $20-30 for a family friend or church acquaintance, depending on how long/involved the relationship is. I do live in the southeast, where cost of living is generally lower, but I think this is fairly standard in my circle. About this particular situation, though, the first thing that popped into my head was also a $10 starbucks giftcard and a note. Because I’m sure the family wouldn’t be expecting more, and HELLO, what college student wouldn’t love a couple free cups of coffee?!
An idea I saw recently was to send the same amount of money/giftcard as the year they are graduating. So, for this year, $20.14
Not only did I find the suggestion cute, but it alerted me to the fact that my thought of “$20 for acquaintances or someone I’m not close enough to know what to get them” is in the correct ballpark.
Goodness. $50 per graduate would get REALLY expensive once your kids’ friends all start graduating at once!
I grew up in a small town in the midwest, so this might have been low (I had no idea!) but $10 was considered standard when I graduated over 10 years ago. (Also, I noticed each and every person who sent me money/a gift.) $20 today seems very appropriate. For someone you haven’t seen in 17 years, a congratulatory card is nice/enough on it’s own as well, if you prefer to go that route.
DEFINITELY send a card. This may feel like only a milestone to you, but to the family it is a major life event. I may be biased, as my oldest is graduating this year, but I’ve learned a few things going through this myself as the parent.
Graduation announcements are EXPENSIVE. We carefully chose who to send them to because of this. I don’t know if everyone does it that way, but in my experience, that means you’re someone they specifically chose to share this life event with. You matter to them, even if you were “only” the babysitter for 9 months. They obviously care about you.
Generic type grad cards are fine to send, but if you can, include a personal message. Something along the lines of “I can’t believe that sweet baby I cared for all those years ago is all grown up!” would be perfect. These things *do* matter to the graduate, and the parents. More than the card itself, and believe it or not, WAY more than the money. I love to hear how much my child means to others.
As for money – or a gift… it’s not required. It’s not even truly necessary. But I would do it. I don’t have a lot of money, especially paying for everything graduation entails, but I have, and will continue to, include a bit of cash in each card I give to my son’s friends. While graduation is expected, kids have to pass many more tests, and go through many more, and often more difficult classes, than we did as kids. Graduation is the reward for all this truly hard work. It is a real accomplishment. My sons closest friend had his grad party this past weekend, and I included $20 in the card. For our area, $25 is the norm, but this kid knows us and he’ll understand. $50 is very generous around here. So, the amount depends on your area. Is cost of living high? Are incomes high? If so, then $30-$50 is probably more accurate than the $25 we do here.
FWIW, money is not required. As I said, a nice card, especially with a personal note, can mean more than any amount of money the grad receives. Those are the ones that are kept, and looked over when things get rough. Congratulate your particular graduate! They’re heading into the adult world, and it can be very scary for them. A bit of over excitement can mean so much more than we (who’ve been here for a while) can possibly understand.
Hope this helps! :-)
We may have different feelings about the word “milestone”: I wouldn’t use the word “only” with it, for example, and I consider high school graduation a BIG and IMPORTANT milestone, as well as, of course, a major life event. What I meant was that I don’t view it as a huge and exceptional accomplishment: almost all the kids I know go through the school system completely supported as they do so, and failure to graduate is a huge anomaly.
I have sent $20 checks to my cousins graduations (I’m 10 years older than they are). But in this situation I would send a gift card to something fun bookstore/ starbucks and some card with a heart felt sentiment. Memory of her as a little girl? This definitely seems like less of a cash grab and more of a mom including you in a special moment.
I give $50 only to very close family. For good friends whose kids I know, 20 or 25. Especially if I am invited to a party. For someone I barely know, a card would be about it – and only if I have time to pick one up. A personal note in this case sounds like it would be way more appreciated than a thoughtless check. (ANYONE can send money but this would show some actual thought)
$50 seems way too much for this person- given that you really hardly know her. If you want to give money, $20 seems right. At least for me and many of my friends, graduation gifts of cash were used for college spending money, not to buy some toy. That’s why I would definitely do cash and not a gift card, if you do cash at all. Of course I think a note from you with the memories and the well wishes would be particularly special, and enough.
My niece just graduated from high school, and I sent $50 to her. I would never dream of sending that much money to someone I didn’t know well/wasn’t related to, and would be shocked if one of my kids got that amount from a non-relative. I live in a college town in the Midwest.
We’re in the Midwest, FWIW. When we sent out announcements for both of my kids’ graduations (2008 and 2012) it was not with the expectation of a gift or even a card — just a way to let people know of the milestone. It’s a good thing there were no expectations because maybe 1 or 2 people sent cards, and MAYBE one relative (in another state) sent any kind of gift. A $20 check would have blown my kids’ minds!!
When I graduated (way back in 1998) i was shocked to find $$ in some of the cards – our family was not one to give cash on Christmas or birthdays (aside from the always-present $5 check [yes check] from my grandma on every occasion), so I don’t know the $$ values that are / were the norm.
However, I had a similar person in my life – my full-time babysitter from when I was about 1-2, who looked after me all day every day while my parents were at work. I can barely remember her, but my mom always sent her updates about me and she was (or least claimed to be!) pleased to hear about my progress. I would ABSOLUTELY NOT have expected anything from her at all, and I know my mom would have actually felt BAD if she sent me cash. A card with memories, like others have mentioned, would have been awesome and cherished, but I think my mom would have felt really guilty if she sent the announcement as a nice gesture, and the babysitter then felt obligated to send cash.
I think this particular situation is not the norm: you don’t have a personal relationship with this child (or even her parents anymore). If I had friends whose kids were graduating, or family members, etc, I would think cash or a gift card would be appropriate, but I think here it’s pretty clear the mom is keeping you in the loop because she knows you’d appreciate it, not because she thinks or expects you should send a gift.
I usually send a card and bookstore gift cards to the kids I used to babysit – usually $20 or $25 (community info – town/city in the midwest). I babysat them for years and can’t believe that the last one is almost done with high school and the older ones have graduated from college! Where I grew up, the tradition was/is to have an open house for high school graduation but no big parties for college graduation.
I’m also Canadian, and like the other Canadians here I totally did not even know this was a thing. I have a niece that graduated from high school two years ago, and we actually heralded it as the END of gift giving – now that she’s an “adult,” we no longer buy her birthday/Christmas presents (adults don’t exchange gifts like that in our family). Certainly if a close friend of mine had a son or daughter who was graduating, I might send a card or offer my congratulations to them in person, but definitely no cash for the kid, even though I know them well and see them often.
Sounds like the tradition near you is to give something, so I’d go with a card and maybe, MAYBE, $20, but as someone else pointed out here, that is going to get very expensive once all your other friends start having graduate kids, so set the bar low.
What would you expect in a similar situation when Rob graduates? Gifts from family? Friends? Would you send out announcements? How would you expect him to handle it – thank you cards? Money put specifically towards education? Or his to do as he pleases?
My husband is a debate coach at a high school in our area and has long given $20 to each kid on his team who graduates and invites him to their party/sends an announcement. We live in a large midwestern city (Mpls/St. Paul) and that seems to be about standard for kids to whom you are not related but with whom you want to share a special milestone.
Our church has a “Senior Sunday” celebration the Sunday before graduation and there are baskets on each graduate’s table (decorated by the parents with pictures and accomplishments blah blah blah) for people to put cards in. When H graduated, we brought those cards home, along with a few small gifts, and started opening them and OMG there was SO. MUCH. MONEY. I was flabbergasted. He got around $600 in cash and checks and we only have 400-member congregation. (Never fear, he sat down and wrote a Thank You card for every gift, even it was just $5.) I never would’ve thought that. I thought MAYBE $100. MAYBE. Don’t get me wrong, we were thankful and humbled, but damn. Our church has at least 8-12 graduates PER YEAR. People be trippin’.
That being said, unless you came from my body, you’re getting around $20 for high school graduation.
In this case, I think sending a congratulatory card would be lovely. But, as you have not recently been in contact with the graduate, I don’t think a gift is necessary.
For a high school graduation, for someone I know, I would probably give a gift, gift card or cash of about $20. I might give more to someone I’m close to, such as my niece, or to someone for whom high school graduation is a big deal (hard time in high school or not planning to go to college, maybe).
The exception to this is that when my child graduates from high school, I expect I will know many students from her class, and I do not plan to give them all gifts.
When I graduated (about 16 years ago) I got mostly $10, and was shocked if I got $20 or more from anyone. I think a gift card is a great idea if you know she has access to somewhere like Target or Starbucks (it wouldn’t have been very helpful for me until I actually got to college, since where I lived didn’t have anything like that). I think just a card is fine with a personal note, but I would probably put $10 in. At least in my case, if someone I hadn’t seen in that long not only sent a card but put money in it I would have thought they were being very generous.
$50 seems crazy to me; like someone else said, what happens as you know more and more people graduating? Not that they are all going to get together with this girl, but it will be in your head “Well, I took care of her for 9 months when she was a baby and SHE got $50, so I can’t imagine giving my son’s best friends at least that much!” However, if you have that kind of money to send to people and you don’t mind it, I can almost guarantee that they will forever think of you as amazingly generous people.
Rural IL (not Chicago, no where near Chicago) here, and $50 would be niece or nephew level gift for us. I think congratulatory card with personal note and $20 is just right.
If we were invited to a high school graduation party, we’d likely give $50. $50 is pretty much our standard gift for such events (communions, baptisms and so on. Weddings we give $100.) BUT! If we just got an announcement in the mail, I don’t know what we’d send, if anything at all. Probably a card.
I think in this case, a card with a nice note, and maybe a small gift card for something fun would be appropriate.
I don’t think anyone I grew up with made a big haul when they graduated from high school (my parents gave me luggage, and I don’t think anyone else gave me anything), so I am probably an outlier here. I will say that as someone who really would like to be in touch with more of the women from the daycares we used, I would be mortified if we sent graduation announcements and one of them sent anything other than a card. The announcement would really be about *our* connection, my gratitude for the care she took of my babies and wanting her to know what they were up to.
If you just can’t bear to send nothing, send a Starbucks card (and tell her to take her mother out for coffee before she leaves for college).
I think $50 is a very nice graduation gift **for someone you know well or to whom you are related** (such as a beloved babysitter or nephew, etc). In your circumstance, I think a more token amount or item would be welcome, unexpected, and happily received. I am thinking $20-25 either in cash or in a Barnes & Noble or Amazon gift card (theoretically to be used for books/college-type materials). And of course a card with a personal note about the passage of time and what she was like as a baby, back when you knew her and her mom.
Did Paul go to Beverly Hills High School?? Land sakes!! I remember being appropriately flattered and thrilled when anyone sent me graduation money of any amount, let alone someone who’d only known me as a baby. I would have been borderline uncomfortable if someone from my past whom I barely knew sent me $50. If you set the bar that high, then $50 becomes the BASELINE for future graduation gifts. What would you have to give a relative or close friend’s child? $200? Heavens!
Fourth Canadian weighing in here — also no announcements and no cash gifts here on the west coast, when I graduated in 1990 at least. I think that in this case, when you haven’t seen the girl since she was a baby, no gift is required. A card would be lovely, but I wouldn’t think you’d need to put any money it in at all. BUT! If you decide that you’d like to do so, $20 would be about right. $50 is insane for a girl you don’t know. Tell Paul he’s crazy! :)
My sister had, what I thought was a cute idea, and when I graduated high school gave my closest friends checks for 19.94 ( the year). I thought it was cute and so did my friends. ..so maybe a check for 20.14? Or is that lame?
I’ve received graduation announcements from my younger cousins in the midwest, who I see MAYBE once every other year. Depending on how much I see them, I either do just a card, or a card plus $20.
I like the card, like the Starbucks, but am also a big fan of the uniwue sending the graduate off into life kind of gift. A book such as Maria Shriver’s ‘And One More Thing Before You Go’ is definitely unexpected but also not useless. Same thing with a dorm cooking cookbook if one is going off to college. But I think the ‘congrats on the milestone- go enjoy a coffee on me’ is just fine. For near and dear? 50 bucks sounds right. But for thoughtful acquaintance? card plus token.
Having just received 2 invites to grad parties, I feel your thought process. Point of reference: I live outside of Philadelphia, suburbs. My son just made First Communion and received gifts varying from$20-$50, with 25 seeming like the ‘standard’. Very generous in my opinion. For your scenario, I would do $20/$25, with a sentimental note and think that would be appropriate and well received. You can’t control another’s perception of your gift but I think given your relationship to the graduate, this would be perfectly fine. Don’t stress over it- people are either grateful or they aren’t, you know?
My instinct was with your husband, $20 was too little & would get lost in the other checks. I grew up in a small rural California town and graduated HS in 1991 and I remember lots of $20 checks. I’d probably go $25 or $30 just to stand out a bit.
That said–I remember a card and very modest cash gift ($5? $10?) from the elderly lady who babysat me as a little girl. It was very sweet and I knew she had only very modest means so it meant something.
Do you have a picture of you and the grad as a baby to put in the card? That would be fun.
I have had three graduations (high school, college, graduate school), and I believe with each degree I received less Money. Huh. Never really thought about it. I suppose I sent out fewer and fewer announcements, and might have also been a little bit of “AGAIN?” by the receivers, so I just used them more as sort of bragging to people about all the hard work and time I’d put in for the degree, and sort of an explanation as to where I’d been the last few years. Not as a money grab.
I think the gift card is perfect, because it is ‘cash’ in a way, but also not, a $10 or $5 bill, which I think is easily stuffed into a wallet and spent on something random without second thought.
Also, I think if you could find a photo or two of her under your care, that would be really sweet to include as well.
My husband is a high school teacher, and he generally gets invited to about one graduation party each year, and our rule has been $20. It could get REALLY crazy, as you can imagine, teaching roughly 150 graduating seniors and what if a bunch invited him to a party?! Sheesh. I guess we’d cross that bridge if suddenly the invites skyrocketed.
I wouldn’t send money in this case since you don’t have an ongoing relationship with the child and haven’t for a long time. If you want to, I think enclosing a 10 dollars Starbucks gift card would be a nice gesture (it works out to approximately three coffees or two really fancy drinks).
I graduated from high school four years ago and we didn’t send out announcements (we’re in Canada though and people don’t do the announcements/thank you cards thing up here). I got money from relatives and family members which ranged from 20 dollars to 100 dollars (depending on the person who gave it and my relationship with them). I would say 25 is the right amount for a nice/nephew/friend’s child you’re close to/regular babysitter in my community and anything bigger would come from parents or grandparents.
I will chime in with those who say you don’t need to send anything. My guess is that the graduation announcement was meant as a “oh, how time flies” indicator, and not as a request for a gift.
Personally, when I graduated from high school and from college, I got a few gifts from people with whom I was not particularly close, and I actually felt uncomfortable that they had gone out of their way to send me something. I worried that they had interpreted my announcement as a request for money, when I hadn’t meant it that way at all. I worried that they perceived me as rude and cash-hungry. If I had gotten $50 from an old babysitter that I didn’t even remember, I would have been mortified!
If this were a niece or a nephew or a godchild, $50 would be very appropriate. For a virtual stranger, it seems very excessive. If you truly feel compelled to respond, I might send a congratulatory note include a family picture of your kids, as a nod back to how much has changed in your own life, since you last saw the child.
As a former babysitter/nanny, I am actually pretty astonished that the mom has continued to update you through the years. I cared for some children over many years, and felt fairly close to some families. I haven’t heard from any of them in years, although I do frequently wonder about the kids and how they are doing!
I have a similar situation, and truly appreciate all the thoughts here. I received 3 graduation announcements, none local, and in fact all from other states. I only know ONE of these kids, who is the grandchild of very close friends. And he’s a GREAT kid! The other two I have NEVER met.
One is a daughter of a cousin I haven’t seen in at least twenty years, and with whom I do not correspond, and didn’t even know where she lived! The other is the daughter of a person who used to work for me before I retired 14 years ago, and with whom I only exchange Christmas cards. I have been struggling with my perception (and anger) of the Gift Grab announcements, and therefore delaying my decision. And to confuse me more, my brother and sister-in-law sent $75 to the cousin’s daughter! They do live in the same state, but also do not have a close relationship with that cousin. Yikes!
To add to my consternation, I grew up in a southern home where giving money was absolutely taboo. My dad thought…if I give you money, and you give me money, what’s the point? You keep yours and I’ll keep mine, and we’ll call it a day. Plus, he thought if you didn’t know someone well enough to pick a gift for them, you should not be giving one to them! And he hated gift registries, and vowed if you TOLD him what you wanted, that took away the givers fun of choosing the perfect gift, and therefore, the joy of giving! But….another topic!
After reading all of your thoughts, I have decided to send a $50 gas card to the kid I like for the gas station closest to the college he will be attending this fall. Since I have no idea if or where the other two kids might be going on to college, I will send them each a check got $20.14, which IS pretty lame, but then sending me an announcement was amazingly lame. Just not sure yet whether I will write something like “hopefully, we can meet someday” on the card. Ya think?
I also think this is a milestone and not a BFD.
I would sent a check for $20.14, since its kind of cutesy as her grad year. I graduated 13 years ago and liked the ones for $20.01.
Love this idea! Might use it for future grads.
IF I can afford it, I send a check or a gift card for $25. (A good idea someone once said to me was to give the kid a GC for a restaurant local to their college of choice. Or Walmart so they can stock up on the inevitable incidentals that add up on Move In day.) My husband is on the same wavelength as yours, though–he would send $50, which makes me internally flail my own fists thinking of the amount of cereal, bread, and milk our family goes through in a week and how we simply can’t afford that!
I remember my own college graduation and the money I got from my parents’ friends that were invited, and I did not know at all. I was perplexed about getting a gift from “strangers,” but also Eternally Grateful for the dough. But I realized that the invite was just for my parents to celebrate their kid’s milestone, NOT a desperate plea for cash (note: parents made out the guest list, NOT me). So I take that experience with these invites: if I can afford it, I send it. If I can’t, I send a nice card and trust/hope that my recognition of the event is enough. I trust/hope that most folks inviting us to these things (even family) realize the financial straights we are in and will not take it as a slight if I use that “expected” $25-$50 to get a few more groceries instead of handing it off to their kid.
It makes me look cheap, I know (I have the same position for weddings, college graduations, etc.), but our family budget makes me apologetic and accepting that You Do What You Can, Not Always What You’d Like To Do. And hopeful the recipients learn to be the same way.
Carrie ~ Thank you for writing this, as it really has reaffirmed to me NOT to worry about what other people think about me or my family. I know what our family budget is, and it’s easy to go out of the parameters of the budget on what you think that others expect of you. It also causes lots of stress. I know that I will ultimately pay the price for doing this by coming up short on bills, gas, or groceries. It’s definitely not worth coming up short, just because I felt guilty or “less than”. Plus, there is always a celebratory event taking place at any given time of the year, and if we place guilt upon ourselves to purchase gifts that we cannot truly afford, then we will never save that “emergency fund”, pay off debt, or have a retirement savings. Our budget is extremely tight, so I understand exactly what you are saying. Good for you for standing firm and “keeping it real”.
My oldest child graduated a few years ago, and another child is graduating this year. In my area and in my experience, announcements are sent to family and good family friends (close to the family and/or graduate). We don’t send them to say “Hey, give us money!” but rather to say, “Wow… all those years of hard work, studying, growing, etc, and they did it! They graduated and are now going off into the world! Isn’t it great!”
High school graduation is a big deal. It’s also a passage into adulthood. It’s a milestone that deserves attention. A heartfelt card/note is the minimum I’d expect you to send in the situation described above. Yes, in that case it’s mostly for the mom, but tell the girl your memories of the time you spent with her, and that you wish her well in her future. The girl will be happy to have the good wishes, and the mom will be thrilled you remembered her daughter.
On the other hand, college graduation isn’t such an announced event these days (at least in my circles). I have close relatives graduating the past few years, and we hear about them via phone calls or emails, not printed announcements. There aren’t as many parties or celebrations either, possibly because the college attended is far away, and/or the graduate needs to start their real job ASAP. So, with this in mind, the high school graduation is the time to make a big deal and to celebrate the accomplishment.
As for a high school graduation gift, in the case of an acquaintance, such as you described, I wouldn’t think badly of you if you sent a small Target card (Target cards are gold for high school graduates — they can get almost everything they need for college there). $10 minimum, but maybe $20 is a good amount without being too much. But for someone you know well, around here the minimum is $20 (usually from neighbors), with $25-$50 being most common. In my family (frugal east coast, middle class people), sending $50 is normal to send to another family member. All of these gifts are usually cash, check, or Target card.
I would assume the mom just wanted to let you know. If you’re inclined, I’d sent a card. If you aren’t – then chalk it up to a – wow, how time FLIES & move on.
If you want to send a monetary gift, I too – would do a nominal Starbucks/iTunes gift card. Or target/office depot – if you know they will be going off to college. Certainly not more than $20. I’d prob spend $10.
For a niece/nephew or really close friends child – I give $100 cash. Anyone else – nothing.
My kid recently graduated college (he skipped jr/sr highschool grades & went straight to college – so no HS graduation to contend with) – he didn’t send out ‘announcements’, though they were available for purchase & no one sent any checks/cards for a grad present.
Maybe giving grad $/HS grad announcements is not as in fashion as I used to be.
I did not read the other responses so I’m sorry if this is a repeat.
If you were going to the party/graduation then I’d be on Paul’s side. Since you are not then I’d say $10 to Starbuck’s or Subway and a quick congrats card if you want to do something. You are not obligated to respond or send anything.
Generally for us:
Graduation gift: family such as cousin $30 family such as sister $75, friend or child of friend $30
Wedding: family such as cousin $75 family such as sister $200, friends $50 if we don’t go, $100 if we go, and $150 if it’s a good friend but we aren’t part of the wedding party.
I’m not sure how we arrived at these numbers. It’s just what we do.
I think the *mother* would be touched by the reminiscences, and $20 is a perfectly appropriate amount.
My niece is graduating from high school next week, and I will probably give $50 (and I am flying across the country to be there). She will probably get much more from others. I grew up in the Midwest, and our family standard was for modest gifts.
We only give gifts for family (nieces, nephews) and for children that we are involved with on a regular (like weekly) basis (best friends with parents situations or trusted babysitter). We are about $25-30 range.
In this circumstance I would totally not send a gift, but would think a card to the mom would be lovely. The kid won’t care but the mom might be touched at a “wow, what a big parenting milestone” kind of sentiment.
I concur with most folks – a card with a note would be lovely, and more than sufficient. A $10 iTunes or Starbucks card could be a fun surprise if you want to send A Thing, but I think anything more might be awkward since you haven’t seen them in so long.
I like the idea of setting a modest “standard” amount ($20-25), then bumping it up if circumstances warrant – kid had a hard time graduating, you know they’re headed somewhere expensive, they’ve got to save up for school, etc. Someone I hadn’t seen in years generally wouldn’t make it into my gift category, though.
Context: I’m in suburban FL now, grew up in the mid-atlantic suburbs, and from what my friends got, $15 was a pretty typical gift in 1996. My family didn’t do announcements or make a big deal about graduation – I got a suitcase from my parents, and that was about it.
Also – I’m intrigued by husbands wanting to give bigger gifts. My guess is that it’s tied to the fact that women are often the ones who do a lot of the social coordination, and so do more of the regular birthday party gifts and the like. If guys mostly do big or unusual presents, they may have a higher “standard” amount because the daily little things aren’t as visible to them. But now I’m curious as to what other people’s experiences are.
My husband is also significantly more “generous” than I am, generally. It might partly be because he’s the major wage earner but I take care of the family finances, so he sees how much he’s bringing in but not so much where it’s going? But honestly, it’s one of the things I like best about him, that he’ll notice and want to donate to various causes or help out people we know before they and their needs are anywhere on my radar.
Alice, my husband spends a lot more on gifts too! I don’t let him do the shopping anymore for gifts for kids who’ve invited my kids to their birthday parties unless I tell him exactly what to pick up. I learned my lesson when he bought a $30 gift for a five-year-old, and then a $30 BAG to put it in!
Another Midwesterner here. When I graduated in 2001 most non-family who gave gifts were in the $20-$25 range. Those all were at least invited to a party though. Only my parents/grandparents gave in the $50+ range, with the exception of one family friend who just happens to be both well-off and generous. I agree with the Gift card idea for a case like this where the relationship is more sentimental than anything. Target or Starbucks would be nice choices.
I do not have time to read all of the other comments so I apologize if I’m repeating anything. But I think Paul is wrong in this case; I think $20 is generous BECAUSE this is someone you used to take care of as a baby. USED to. AS A BABY. She doesn’t remember you, so I think a card by itself would be fine, and $20 is also fine. A lovely thought. I have not given very many HS graduation gifts yet either, but I spent $50 to $75 on each of my three nieces who graduated. But my NIECES. And I will be buying a $15 gift card for my babysitter who is graduating from 8th grade (a K-8 school), but she’s someone I see all the time.
I think I may disagree with you a bit about high school graduation’s being worthy of celebration; to me it is a big deal – vs huge parties for kindergarten graduation or flowers for the school concert; I’m with you on those – but I’m saying I think it’s a big deal and I think $20 from the lady who took care of you as a baby should make you smile and think how nice it is that she is still fond of you.
I should have made it clearer that of course it’s an important milestone and one worthy of celebration. We can even call it a HUGE milestone if you like. But it does seem almost automatic to me, like the “learning to walk” milestone or the “going through puberty” milestone, as opposed to something where someone made a huge and unusual effort.
With all the AP classes, AP exams, SATs, PSATs, ACTs, mid-terms, projects, finals, state mandated tests, and clubs and extracurricular activities (many having to do with the student’s future plans, such as FEA, or FBLA, or DECA, for examples) many students do make a huge effort to get to graduation and prepare for their college years. Sure, if they barely scraped by and are lucky to get the diploma, then no, this doesn’t apply. But for those kids that gave these past 4 years so much, in order to plan and prepare for their future, and possibly work part-time as well, it is a huge effort.
I see your point, but I still disagree that for most children it’s an exceptional or unusual accomplishment.
I like and respect the way my parents handled high school graduation: they were proud of me for how well I had done (I was valedictorian and had completed every AP class the school offered while also dancing 7 days a week); but graduating from high school was *expected* so they weren’t going to make a HUGE deal out of it, as if it were the endgame of my life. It was non-optional, and was treated with quiet fanfare (family visiting, moderate gifts) rather than making it a big honking deal. It felt more like a transitional event, marking the moment between high school and college; a way of saying goodbye to one thing, with all the reminiscence and celebration that comes with that, and moving on to the next. So Swistle, I see exactly what you’re saying and I agree with you!
Well, I haven’t seen the other comments, but here are the things I would consider doing in your shoes:
1) send a note to the mom saying “Congratulations! What a great milestone! Can you believe he’s all grown up now?”
2) send a card to the kid with a generic “Congratulations!” message. Include a $20 check if you feel so moved.
I would definitely respond in some way just to keep the contact going with this family you’re interested in maintaining communication with. It would be nice to send a ‘little something’ to sweeten the deal, but in this case I don’t believe it’s necessary. I think $20 is appropriate for a casual relationship and I’d do $50 for a close friend or relative. If it helps, I live in the Twin Cities metro area and our social group is pretty middle of the road–college educated, but no one is taking vacations to Europe or driving luxury cars.
I think this sounds perfect. I live in the Mid-Atlantic region, for the record.
I’m from a medium-sized city in the north central part of the United States. I’ve had quite a bit of experience with this (two high school graduates; one of the two is done with college and the other is close) and we generally give between $15 and $30, depending on how well we know the graduate and how many graduates we know. If someone extra close to us graduates (a niece or the like), we will give $40-50. I think in your situation, money or a gift card is optional. We always give money when we give a gift. Frankly, the years my children graduated, our budget was stretched to the limit so we tended to give less overall because we simply could not afford it.
I just read some comments above and I should add that graduation open houses are extremely common here. Extremely as in 99.9% have one. I would give a gift to my kids’ friends regardless but if I’m not particularly close to the graduate and there’s no open house, I would probably send a card.
I give $100 if I’m related to them and $50 if I’m not. It can be high school or college. FWIW I get more high school than college grad party invitations. Maybe by then a party is not so common, or the families just go out for a nice dinner? IDK. My next gift-giving rate is for weddings. Then it’s $200 if I’m related, and $100 if I’m not.
I would think that $10–$20 would be plenty for a girl you haven’t seen in 15 years. I’m giving $50 to my sister, because: sister, but if it wasn’t an invitation to anything, then I think you’re fine with just a congratulatory card. I liked someone else’s idea of $20.14—cute, fun, and not outrageous—but there’s nothing wrong with doing less than that either for an acquaintance like that.
Well, I haven’t had this issue arise yet, but I’m definitely worrying that I didn’t spend enough money on my most recent wedding gift. Also, THIS VERY MORNING I received the following email:
“Dear Families,
Some of our Company dancers will be selling flowers during your child’s recital this Saturday. A table will be set up in the lobby where you can purchase these flowers before the show begins.”
For my FOUR-YEAR-OLD. Who is an absolute delight of a tiny person but she’s just going to shuffle around for three minutes onstage in a $50 costume, come on, come on. Come on.
Posting not having read previous comments so my answer won’t be influenced. I would say, given that you haven’t had a relationship with the child since she was a baby, and you were WORKING IN A DAYCARE when the child care took place, no check is necessary, but a thoughtful card with a memory of something cute she did as a baby and maybe a small academic-themed gift (like a bookmark) is appropriate. If you cared for the child outside of the daycare (in your home or theirs) then I think $25 is a good amount. It’s more than a single $20 bill so it doesn’t feel cheap, but hopefully wouldn’t break the bank.
In my community almost every graduate has a big Open House where there’s usually a big buffet provided by parents and close family friends. Lots of picture collages of growing up, sometimes bonfires or pool parties…some people go all out with catering and everything and some are smaller. I had one or two friends who talked about how much money they hoped to get (and how much they got) but my parents raised me better than that. I didn’t expect anything but was grateful for what I did receive. It all went toward college expenses. Most checks were at least $50, but there were plenty of people who came to the party but brought a very small gift instead of a card, and some who just came to offer their congrats (which was also fine). I imagine these things are totally different in other communities, but that’s how we do it here. Young couples and couples with lots of children are definitely given a free pass when it comes to gifts, too. Everyone understands that not everybody has money to spare.
Good luck and let us know what you decide!
Oh, also: I invited my babysitter from when I was 1-4 years old to my graduation open house. She watched me in her home about 3 days a week for 8 hrs at a time, and I remember her, although we hadn’t kept in touch. I was very nervous to invite her because I didn’t want her to think I only wanted money. I really just wanted to see her and talk about how time flies. So it’s possible they aren’t expecting anything at all.
I live in Michigan. In my community it is expected that everyone will graduate from high school (and college). The celebration is called a “Graduation” Open House, but I think everyone views it more of a “you’re an adult now” celebration. Not necessarily based on accomplishment, just saying goodbye to childhood and greeting adulthood.
Oh, I like the check for 20.14 or the Starbucks gift card for $10!
I usually don’t regret money spent. I think you should do what makes you feel good!
Just as a point of interest, the drop out rate for high school here is well over 50 percent. My freshman class was over 900 students. I graduated with barely 200. Crazy, right?
I work in a high school and see a bunch of students graduate each year. I agree that it can be seen as a life milestone in most cases; the acknowledgement that the graduate is headed to a new stage of life, and acknowledging/celebrating her and her family.
I think a card with a heartfelt message would be meaningful to the girl and probably even more meaningful to her mother. You are one of the few people who knew her daughter when she was tiny! I still look back on my own high school graduation cards (20+ years ago) when I come across them and remember nothing about how much cash was in there (unless my mother penciled it in for the sake of thank you notes later) but am touched all over again by the good wishes that people wrote. It makes me want to pay it forward to young people who I know may not appreciate exactly what I am saying/sending, but may see the value of it later, and pass the sentiments along.
I like the idea of the $20.14 check too! Fortunately none of us will live until 8917 when this would be more of a problem.
I’m also a fan of figuring out a system for these kinds of gifts (announcements from people I think of fondly but do not see in everyday life). I did this for weddings, babies, and soon it will be graduations! Yikes!
Hi Swistle!
Another timely topic as usual. :)
I didn’t read the responses either just now, but I am responding because we are going to four graduation open houses over the next two weekends so it’s on my mind.
I love the idea of the Starbucks gift card for the daughter and another one for the Mom that was suggested. Super cute!
What I did was buy something off Etsy- I always feel good buying from Etsy!
For the two girls we know that are going to colleges out of state, I bought this shirt:
https://www.etsy.com/listing/128517661/maryland-home-shirt-mensunisex?ref=sr_gallery_3&sref=sr_f35a94d7f52442badbca1431d0b3b14a543c27a69f1857f700ffbb764b63f93d_1401226136_14648115_maryland&sref2=MTI4NTE3NjYx%3AbWFyeWxhbmQ.%3AMTQ2NDgxMTU.%3AbWFyeWxhbmQgaG9tZSBzaGlydA..%3AdzI.%3AMTQwMTIyNjEzNg..%3AMjoxNDAxMjI2MTM2OmhtVGJtNXFTeFBKSTMtZEtwMzY4SDdydFRsNUU6Mjg3YWU4ZDY5NjlmMzdiZTgwNWY3YmJhYzkwMGEwZWUxN2E4NTdiYzZhODUwMWZjZDVhY2ZkMWQyMzc5ZDEyNQ..%3A32169541e607f764eaac2f3ce6142cc0d9a8b83f&ga_search_query=maryland+home+shirt&ga_ship_to=US&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery
For the two boys, staying in- state, I bought these cute key rings:
https://www.etsy.com/listing/179984782/class-of-2014-keychain?ref=sr_gallery_15&ga_search_query=class+2014+penny&ga_ship_to=US&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery
None a big expenditure but IMO thoughtful and fun gifts.
I’m from the West Coast, and graduation announcements aren’t the norm around here. A few people do them, but it’s not really a “thing” and the people who do them generally aren’t expecting gifts or money. When I graduated from high school I got a few checks in the $20 range from non-family members (parents’ co-workers, neighbors, etc.) and while I certainly wasn’t asking for or expecting anything it was still a nice surprise! I also received a few small non-cash gifts like school supplies, dorm room stuff, etc. I did get a few checks from family members in the $100-200 range, but I think that was a higher-than-average amount because I was the youngest of all the grandchildren/cousins in my family and therefore the last one to graduate for a long while.
For this situation, I’d say $20 is PLENTY. A nice card would be fine even with no check inside, especially if you include a personalized note (maybe a memory about something cute or funny she did when she was little). Do you have any pictures of the two of you together at the daycare? That might be fun to include.
Or instead of sending money, a gift in the $5-10 range would also be appropriate. You won’t have to spend as much money, but it shows that you took the time to pick something out for her. If you don’t know her well enough to know what she’d like, dorm room stuff and school supplies are always good ideas (if she’s going to college), and it’s one less thing she’ll have to buy when the time comes. Or maybe a fun little activity-type thing like a grow-your-own-plant kit or art supplies…it might not seem like a very good gift, but those were fun to have in college and not something I would have thought to buy for myself.
Remember, eighteen is old enough to know that the amount of money spent on a gift is not directly related to how much the gift-giver cares about the recipient–especially for a gift that probably wasn’t even expected in the first place.
my typical grad gift is a $30 Target gift card, more for a close relative. Weddings are $100, more for a close relative.
Someone may have said this earlier, but here’s my take. It sounds to me like the “relationship” here is between you and the mom – not the “baby.” I think just a card of congratulations would be acceptable; but if you feel that you want to send something, then $25 would be more than generous. I know my son would have been shocked – and honored – had someone from his past – that he didn’t even remember – sent him anything! In my opinion (sorry Paul), $50 would definitely be overkill.
I’m in Alaska-cost of living is higher plus wages are higher=everything cost more–so take this for what it’s worth you cared for her for a year or so and her mother LOVED you (obviously) and thought of you as someone who cares–my son received 50 dollars from just about everyone in that category and MORE from the ones who knew him and loved him (anyway) so I think 50 dollars is a nice amount–BUT my favorite present from my graduation 25+years ago is a dictionary just a students dictionary that has lived through my 3 sons looking up every word they were unfamiliar with–it has been a HUGE part of my family life living on the counter and in the pantry now for quick an easy look ups-we use it daily and love it–could you slip 50 dollars in a dictionary? best of both worlds?
My answer is $35.
I live in the South and when I graduated 32 years ago the thing to do was send out invitations to graduation. Some had parties, some didn’t. I probably recieved $200 – $300 in cash/checks, most in the the $20 – $30 range, and some little gifts like the Precious Memories graduate figurine, and a plaque. Why the plaque? I’m still not sure. My parents gave me a car, but it was a used car and I was actually supposed to get it when I got my driver’s license but that never worked out so I ended up with it for graduation. But mostly I got the car because I would be going to college in the next town while living at home and also working and we needed another vehicle so that everyone could get to their various obligations at the time(s) they needed to be there. When my own daughter graduated 2 years ago and with the graduates I’m seening now (I drive a school bus for a fairly big metopolitan school district) the thing to do is to send invitations to the people you’re actually inviting to graduation since guests are limited, usually about 12 per graduate, but you can barter with classmates for more if needed, and to send announcements to everyone else. Most buy the ones that the school has available, but I printed my own and used photos from her Senior Picture session. She recieved about $500 in cash and checks from friends and family and a laptop computer from her grandparents. Of those that gave money, they closer they were to her the higher the $$ amount. In this area, if sending something to one of the littles that I cared for 20 years ago (and I have some), I’d probably send $20 and a note with rememberences. If I had kept up a real relationship with the child and/or parent (and I have one like that) I’d send a bit more, probably in the $30 – $40 range. Of my various neieces and nephews, $50 for the ones that have actually made it to graduation.
I am firmly in the frugal midwest. In this situation and with our budget, I would give $25 + a note/sentimental card. I have given $50 to our nieces/nephews and would do the same for children of close friends.
In Jewish tradition we give $18 or chai, meaning good luck. So I got tons of those from relatives. It also works because the child is probably around 18
In my area I would say the “going rate” for graduation is between 50 and 100 depending on closeness AND only if invited to actual graduation party. If I was in your situation I might send a card, no money. $20.14 is a cute idea but I wouldn’t send more than that. For comparison sake shower gifts are in the 50 to 75 range and weddings are 100 to 150.
Huh, I went to high school in Canada (also university and graduate school), but I live in the States now. I had never even HEARD of getting money for graduation from high school… apparently this is a US thing? Actually, nobody even gave me money when I got my PhD, and I totally could have used it then. But some of my middle-school stepdaughters’ friends’ older siblings get really extravagant gifts. (We live in TX.) This isn’t helpful to your situation, but I thought the Canada/US dichotomy was interesting.
I am a big advocate of giving according to one’s means. In this situation, I would not think a gift would be expected. (I mean, I think if I were the mom sending the announcement there is no way I’d expect a gift. I might *appreciate* a card, but I would think a gift would not be expected, given the relationship. HOWEVER, I firmly believe that if you have the money to spare, it’s good karma to be generous with it.
I do like the $20.14 check idea. It’s cute. But, again, I really don’t think anyone would expect money from you. I agree that $50 is ridiculous.
No one here gets money for graduating from college or further degrees. Only high school. :-)
This is a really timely question for me. My youngest cousin is graduating from high school this summer. He’s had a really hard life, but is a really great guy and has done super well in school. I’d like to give him a chunk of money. Normally I’d give $25 but I like him a lot (I’m estranged from all of my family other than my parents/siblings, for a variety of reasons, so while it may sound weird to say you like your cousin… it’s complicated) and I know some of what he’s been through and the problems he’s facing. So I’d consider strongly giving him $50… but his mom’s a drug addict with a history of stealing from family (including him) so I’m wary of giving him cash. I don’t know how well he can hide a cash gift. In general, I aim for about $25 for momentous gifts for people unless I super love them, because that’s what my budget can support.
Can you give him an electronic gift certificate? That way there’s nothing physical for her to steal, and he can use it from wherever.
I don’t know if you’re looking for suggestions for your cousin, but I’ve loved Paypal and google wallet for things like this. (Though they’re really only useful if he buys things online, which he may not,) We’ve also used gift cards to good effect – since the amount isn’t as obvious and it can’t be used just anywhere, it’s sometimes less likely to “get lost.” And congrats to him on his graduation!
For a situation like yours, I would send a nice card with a personal message. For kids I know slightly, I would do the card with a gift card for gas or fast food in the $25 range. For close personal friends of my kids, or the children of my close personal friends, I do a $50 check for high school, $100 for college. Figure it out now, it is truly astonishing how many announcements we get every year. I was also a little annoyed when my own kids graduated, relatives who send announcements for everything and I dutifully send checks, didn’t even send a card when my kids graduated. I like their kids, so will continue to send gifts to them, but I will remain annoyed at the parents.
I’m from Utah, and I don’t think I got ANY money for graduation (15 years ago now, so…). Maybe $10 or $20 from a FEW people and I thought “whoa, that was so nice!” I guess maybe times have changed though? I would send $20 or a small gift card, in this situation, and if the kid thought that was lame, WHO CARES. It was meant nicely. :)
I’d look for a gift even less than $20. If I were in the mom’s shoes, I would be mortified if you sent money because I’d worry that I’d inadvertently seemed greedy in sending the announcement. But if you send a sweet token, I’d love you even more for the thought.
Something small from ThinkGeek? A paperback -fiction or non- in an appropriate theme? Something related to the graduate’s post-secondary study/occupational plans? If you do think of something clever it’ll save you a lot of time and money in the future and it’ll probably index itself to inflation.
A friend who could not attend our wedding framed the invitation for us and still think fondly of her ever time I look at it. It wasn’t even a nice frame. That would work nicely here: frame the announcement. Maybe even one of those folding ones – announcement on one side, space for commencement snapshot on the other side?
Another Canadian chiming in to say I’m surprised by all this. I don’t think I received any money for my university or graduate school graduations either.
And I get what you mean Swistle: High school graduation is a lovely milestone but not an heroic accomplishment (unless people are coming from very disadvantaged backgrounds). Yes, the graduates work hard but that is what they are supposed to do (I realize I sound like a crotchety old lady).
I think a card with a warm, personal message would be perfect.
I live in the SF Bay Area so HCOL, but grew up in a LCOL. I think $50 is outrageous. I’d have a hard time giving that to anyone other than a close relative or child of very close family friends. $20 is fine, a $10 gift card would also be fine. I agree with everyone else that a card with a personal note would be the most appreciated, particularly by the mom since the kid doesn’t know/remember you.
If you’re uncertain on the cash/gc front, I saw a cute book at Target the other day that made me wish I had someone to give it to. It could work really well since as a baby you probably would have read her Sandra Boynton books (if they were published then) and yet it’s a book specifically for a graduate. I don’t know. I would think it was a cute tie-in if a former care provider had sent something like that along with a card. It gets past the “oh no, did she think it was a cash grab instead of *just* an announcement?” without the second guessing yourself.
http://www.target.com/p/yay-you-hardcover/-/A-11456683
I’ll admit: I didn’t read the 94 responses above me, sorry.
In YOUR case, I’d send the mother a card, but not the graduate. The graduate doesn’t know you, but the mother would probably like a card with a short little note saying “Congratulations, I can’t believe that sweet little baby is now graduating!” Truthfully I can’t believe she has sent you school pictures for a baby you took care of as an infant. I’ve moved twice since my now almost 7yo son was an infant, and I’m losing touch with the people I used to be friends with!
Anyway, I just wanted to say this post made me smile because I too got my first high school graduation announcement this spring. It’s my cousin’s son (oldest cousin, the graduate is the oldest great-grandchild in the family) and I remember when he was born, I was a freshman in college and I felt so old, being in college and having someone from my generation (admittedly one 8 years older) having a baby. Now I feel REALLY old, since a baby born when I felt like an adult is now graduating from high school. Although nowadays I’m not sure I’d consider 18 year olds adults.
My first-cousin-once-removed, to be technical, is being sent an amazon gift card for $50, because I agree with Paul that $50 is the baseline for high school graduations. But I just had a baby and just had a birthday and I live abroad so when I receive gifts I receive amazon gift cards, so I think I have about $500 in cards in my account so I won’t really notice giving away $50.
I’m in Australia and I have NEVER heard of anyone giving money for a graduation present. We would just say ‘congratulations’. If I really wanted to celebrate in an over the top way, I’d give flowers.
I live in small town KY and it is common for graduates (or their parents) to send out announcements to lots of acquaintances. In this instance, since the graduate in question probably doesn’t remember you and there has not been an ongoing relationship, my assumption is that the mother is just trying to keep you in the loop on the baby “that you helped raise.” I wonder if the graduate in question even knows that the mother sent an announcement to you? I think a card with a some heartfelt sentiments sounds quite appropriate and if you wanted to also send a gift/money, the $20 range sounds perfect. I would really assume that this was more of a “thought you would like to know” announcement than a “hey send me a gift” announcement.
FYI, Senior Portraits are also not “A Thing” in Canada (at least, not my part of Canada), and the first time I heard the term online I thought it meant portraits of senior citizens.
Of course, we also don’t commonly use the Freshman/Sophomore/Junior/Senior terms for high school or university students either. In the former case, one is in Grade 9-12, and in the latter, we sometimes use “Frosh” for first year, but commonly one is just a 1st/2nd/3rd/4th year university student.
You already have 101 replies, but i have to chime in and say that I received grad announcements for boys I babysat for (but had not seen in ages). I sent them each a card and a $20 gift card for Papajohns (thinking, what college kid doesn’t like cheap pizza? And I really loved those boys way back when, even if I hadn’t seen them in ages.)
This topic is very timely as my niece just graduated from college with an astounding number of degrees, and we have no idea what to give her. Now I’m leaning towards cash. Thanks for the many ideas!
We’ve given my husband’s nieces and nephews varying amounts (usually $20 or $40, since I tend to get cash out of the ATM), depending on how flush we’re feeling in a given moment, and how many are graduating at once.
My nieces and nephews will begin graduating next year, and since four of them belong to one sister, I’m going to have to pick an amount and stick with it. It will probably be $40. For the graduation of someone I didn’t know as a teenager but received an announcement for, I would send $25, check or cash (unless I’d never really know them – a FB friend’s kid, for example). I think that’s what we gave our neighbor, who we waved to, and who watched our daughter once or twice. I don’t know why $20 feels so much cheaper, but as half of $50, $25 just feels like more than it really is, somehow. Although I do love the idea of doing $20.14.
I would not send a gift card, personally – to me, even if the amount is *exactly the same,* a gift card in this case is about the giver – a way for them to either feel less crass, or downplay the gift (i.e., “I think you’re grubbing for cash, so I’m going to make you drink $25 worth of overpriced coffee instead”). That said, it goes without saying that I think graduates should be grateful for anything someone they barely know sends, even just a card, and as a parent, I wouldn’t lift an eyebrow if that’s all my child received from my own acquaintances.
I do think your point about milestone vs. accomplishment is interesting, because I’m not sure as a society, we actually reward much in the way of accomplishment. Graduating college is an accomplishment, graduate school even more so, but the more schooling you have, the less family and friends will celebrate it. Certainly, no one you’ve barely known will send you a card on getting your PhD. Marriage, which we tend to shell out a lot for, is not an accomplishment, but a step in a relationship. Likewise, having a baby (giving birth is an accomplishment, I suppose, but it’s also inevitable once you’re pregnant). I think the closest is maybe buying a house, especially if you’ve had to save a lot of money, but what do we give? A plant. A bottle of wine. For all those reasons, I think we give for high school graduation because we consider the graduate an “adult” after that – and the gifts will trail off considerably unless they get married or have kids. Sad, really, but it’s almost like we say, “Good job growing up, but unless you tie yourself to another person or procreate, your on your own now, kid.”
If wasn’t invited to the Open House, and we arent familiar, then I wouldn’t send anything but a nice card with some hand written sentiments. If I was going to the party (I am going to one soon) I’d bring $50.
I really like someone’s earlier idea of $20.14 too.
I haven’t read all the comments, so i’m hoping you will compile some kind of results for us in the future? Because I’m curious, but lazy!
I have a crap ton of grads this year. Both HS and College. I sent 25 for hs grads, unless they sent an announcement or I was really close to them, then I would give 50. College grads got 50. I thought about 20, but for some reason 25 seems more…..substantial in my mind? Something about the number I guess. But I think any amount would be appreciated. AT that age, you’re so desperate for cash that you are happy for any amount! Even 10 would be appreciated! Just a gesture…..
We used to send Christmas cards to my now teenage son’s favorite day care provider every year and she would sometimes respond with her own cards, but a couple years ago she moved and we lost track of her. I can imagine sending her a graduation announcement five years hence if we were still in touch, but I would not have expected a gift in return. So I think anything you send would be a pleasant surprise.
On the other side of the experience, I have received announcements from distant relatives or children of far-flung friends and never sent anything other than a card with congratulations if that, but these are kids I’ve never even met for the most part.
In this case, I might send a congratulatory card to the graduate and a gift card to the mom – the mom is your friend, and you can include a nice note sympathizing with the “time flies” notion, as well as the, “treat yourself and your daughter to a Starbucks date” thing, which is a nice sentiment. Or maybe a bottle of wine for the parents, since I imagine that graduation is exhausting for parents and they just don’t get much acknowledgement. Kind of how I give my mom a bottle of wine on MY birthday, since she was the one who pushed 9-lb me out of her you-know-what. Now that I’m a mom myself, I understand what a big deal that was.
I think Paul was over reacting, but I would probably feel like I should send something. May I suggest a check for $20.14? I got a check like that ($20.06), and thought it was really cute. I am from Wisconsin, if that helps with regional traditions.
I am now a high school teacher and graduation announcements for me are ridiculously awash with similar strife. I can’t give all my students $20, and I also feel really uncomfortable giving different amounts to different kids. I have decided to only give presents to students who’s grad party (that is a huge thing here) I attend, and then I usually buy them a collection of small toys for a “de-stress at college kit.” You may be running into the same issues as all your children’s friends start to graduate from high school and the announcements/party invitations come pouring in.
I’ve recently graduated from college, so graduation announcements (college and high school!) are a recent topic of consideration! We only sent them to immediate family (grandparent, aunts and uncles, basically) and one or two close family friends, and I received a variety of nice notes, $20 bills, and larger checks. From someone in the sort of relationship you’ve described, I think it would be more appropriate to send a small gift ($5-10 starbucks card, $10 bill, etc) and a nice note than a larger gift. A “congratulations for reaching this milestone, it’s crazy to think about how time passes so quickly” type of note would be a nice gesture from someone with no real obligation to send anything other than perhaps a vague tradition of keeping-in-touch. Perhaps you could include an inquiry about college/future plans, if you don’t/would like to know, that can be answered in a thank-you note.
(My family is spread across the county and typically sends checks or cash to “all the cousins” for Christmas- the standard is probably $25 but some send more or less depending on situation. If that helps in the amount comparison.)
I graduated high school 20 years ago, in a very rural farming community in NE Ohio. We sent out announcements, and my entire church, immediate & extended family, friends & even some teachers were in attendance. People gave me $50s & $100s. Every graduation party I went to, was the same. The announcements are sent out to inform cherished people in your lives, not only about the small milestone of high graduation, but that particular students intent with regard to their future career path / goals. In my case, I was to attend university, and thus the people who gave me money during my celebration paid for my first year in college…so I didn’t have to work as hard!
I enjoyed reading many of the comments– I now know how to reciprocate in similar gift-giving situations. Dave Ramsey, who wrote Financial Peace, says if you are having financial trouble you simply do not buy a gift. If it’s not in your heart to give a gift, I would not give if it causes you to be resentful for giving the gift. Remember that God loves a cheerful giver, He does not require or want our tithe if we have resentment in our heart for doing so, but He will bless the giver– especially when we give to the poor. I don’t think anyone will ever be sorry for giving a gift if you have the desire and income to do so. It will be a blessing to the giver if they want to bless someone with a gift. I will say that my mom was a generous person to a fault, and when she no longer had the income, she would send a card with a lovely letter of encouragement.