I feel bad sending this email as I know you must be busy, however I’m so clueless after months of fighting it I’ve given in and decided to ask for help with our little girls name.

We’re expecting our first little girl in April, and as exited as we are about her she has been the hardest to name so far. Our other two are Oswald Jude ‘Ozzy’ and Reuben Hugh ‘Reu’, their names were so easy to decide but now we can’t even settle on something while I’m 8 months pregnant!

The List I liked, but he vetoed…

Hermione
Sarah-Kate
Caroline
Scarlett
Matilda

The Names he liked, I said no to…

Alice
Clara
Mercedes
Simone
Story

The only name we both can agree of right now is Liliana, but neither of us truly love it to the point we want to use it! As we’re both quite firm in her middle name being Lavender!
We had a boys name all set out (William Atlas Bailey) but we’re expecting a girl so it’s no use. We’re saying this is our last, but we’ve said that after every baby so it’s not guaranteed!

Thank you so much for your consideration!
Em x

I notice the repeated sounds in the other two children’s names: oswalD juDe and then reUben hUgh. I wonder if it would be at all fun, just as a little game or exercise, to see if we can find a first name for your daughter that repeats one or more of the sounds from her middle name Lavender.

Ada Lavender
Adelaide Lavender
Aveline Lavender
Belinda Lavender
Claudia Lavender
Cordelia Lavender
Danica Lavender
Eleanor Lavender
Eliza Lavender
Elodie Lavender
Eve Lavender
Even Lavender
Evelina Lavender
Esther Lavender
Flannery Lavender
Florence Lavender
Geneva Lavender
Genevieve Lavender
Gwendolyn Lavender
Landry Lavender
Larissa Lavender
Linnea Lavender
Lois Lavender
Louisa Lavender
Lydia Lavender
Maeve Lavender
Marilla Lavender
Melody Lavender
Minerva Lavender
Miranda Lavender
Nadia Lavender
Sylvia Lavender
Valentina Lavender
Vera Lavender
Verity Lavender
Veronica Lavender
Victoria Lavender
Vivian Lavender

If I could ask each of you to reconsider a veto, I’d ask you to reconsider Clara, and I’d ask your husband to reconsider Matilda. Clara Lavender! Matilda Lavender!

Name update:

Thank you so much for these suggestions! They definitely have not gone unappreciated, as for our baby girl she was born on March 22nd. She weighed 7lbs 1oz and was born at 36+6, and she’s such a healthy baby girl. Ozzy and Reu are really exited to now have their baby sister. You gave us some really gorgeous suggestions and from your gorgeous list we found a name we both really love, our sweet baby girl Elodie Lavender has been born.
Thank you so much we all really appreciate it!
Em x

Dear Swistle,

I love your column and your commitment to balance between parents in naming! My partner and I feel similarly, and that’s an area where we could really use your help.

We are due with our first and almost certainly only child, a girl, in March. We were trying to conceive for a while and have developed a relatively stable shortlist, though now that this is actually happening, we’re wondering if we should open it up to new possibilities and conversely, how we will ever narrow it down. Any ideas for names to add or cut would be appreciated!

We are using my partner’s surname, which is Beach (but spelled like the tree). We decided to go with it for a variety of reasons, and I have 51% say in the first name as part of the deal. We’d also like to use a middle name from my family to help balance things out. But that’s where it gets tricky – there are “dynamics” in my family that mean many potential choices could result in hurt feelings/drama/guilt. The fact that this will be our only child increases the pressure. My last name doesn’t work well as a middle, and I never liked my middle name much. Any ideas on ways to balance the name without using a family name? Is that even possible?

One other note on honour names – a couple of names on our shortlist are family names, and if we use one of those, we’ll probably give our daughter a middle name that is hers alone.

On to the shortlist:

Mary: a family name on both sides (non-contentious). We love that it’s so recognizable but not very common, at least for babies. Only concern is that it might be too plain? We get a lot of underwhelmed reactions.

Alice: my maternal grandmother – another non-contentious honour name. So versatile. By far the most common (#11 nationwide, #44 in our province) which is the main drawback. Also, I think the name is very nice and checks a lot of boxes, but it doesn’t grab me the way some of the others do.

Bernice: this was my favourite, and my partner wasn’t that keen, and I more or less talked myself out of it. But now suddenly it’s become my partner’s top choice and I’m not sure if I can get back on board! I love the nickname options (Bernie, Bebe). I can’t decide if it’s great or too much with the last name. And is it unpopular for a reason? Too clunky?

Sylvia: the forest is meaningful to us, and it’s a pretty name. My partner has cooled on it, feeling it might be too much in grandma (rather than great-grandma) territory.

Linnea: lovely name, and meaningful to us for the botanical connection. Concerns: might be mispronounced, is just a little outside our usual name style, and might be too pretty?

Cecily: We like that it’s light but also serious-sounding. Concerns: a little hard to say, and the meaning “blind” is not super appealing.

Agnes: one of my partner’s favourites. I like it, but I dislike the nickname Aggie, and I don’t love “chaste” as a meaning.

Considered but rejected: Dorothy, Veronica, Helena, Cora, Estelle.

Boy names we liked: Laurence nn Laurie, Alistair, Ansel, James, Norbert, Jasper.

We are in Canada, which I hope is close enough to the US in naming climate that you will feel able to help. The only significant difference I can see, for our purposes, is the higher popularity of the name Alice here. Oh, and also that Bernie probably has a milder Sanders connotation in Canada!

Thank you so much for considering this (long) letter! We promise to write with an update if chosen.

R0semarie (R0sie) and Patr1ck

Well, let’s see, you’ve already considered some of my favorite ideas for bringing more balance to a name: using your own surname, using your own middle name, using family names from your side of the family. And you have already agreed that you will have more say in the first name; 1% more of the say seems…slim, considering the 100% sacrifice of your surname and 100% use of his, but I am just going to take 51% to mean it’s up to you, and that you will actually use that edge instead of choosing the name the two of you would have agreed on anyway even without the deal, and that way we’re all happy.

I will mention some ideas that you have likely already considered, but maybe you haven’t! And even if you have, perhaps they will be useful to someone else who is going through the same situation. One idea is to use your own first name. Men do this absolutely constantly; women, much less often. And your first name gives a lot of options to fit with a variety of first names, depending on to what extent each option feels like Your Name: R0se, R0sie, R0semarie, maybe variations such as R0salie and R0semary. My favorite would be to use R0semarie, but not if that doesn’t feel like Your Name—like, if that’s your Only When I’m in Trouble name. In that case I’d be more inclined to use R0sie. But I’ll note that men named James who have always gone by Jim or Jamie still tend to name their sons James, not Jim or Jamie.

Another idea is to use names that are meaningful to you in other ways than family names. Did you love Anne of Green Gables as a child (Anne, Cordelia, Marilla)? Little Women (Josephine, Margaret, Elizabeth, Amy)? Five Children and It (Anthea, Jane)? All of a Kind Family (Ella, Henrietta, Sarah, Charlotte, Gertrude)? The Five Little Peppers (Mary/Polly, Sophronia/Phronsie)? Are there books and movies you consider your all-time favorites? Do you have favorite scientists, politicians, actors, authors, poets?

Let’s look now at the first names. The three that align most with my OWN tastes (which is not the question here) are Sylvia, Linnea, and Cecily. I went to school with a Linnea (the lynn-NAY-ah pronunciation), and found her name endlessly pleasing to say; it was on my own baby-name list for each pregnancy. I don’t think Sylvia is too grandma; I think it’s well ready to come back into style—and considering how similar it is to the very popular Olivia, I’m surprised it isn’t more common already. I think it has a lovely sound: light/silvery but grounded/solid. I agree with your assessment of Cecily, and I don’t find the meaning to be an issue.

In fact, let’s do a little side-paragraph on the meaning of Cecily. I’m looking in The Oxford Dictionary of First Names, which says nothing about that meaning under Cecily. But under Cecil, it says that Cecil is a surname name, and that the Cecils were Welsh; it then adds: “In the Middle Ages Cecil was occasionally used as an English form of Latin Caecilius (an old Roman family name derived from the byname Caecus ‘blind’).” Are you following this? I had to re-read it like a dozen times, and I had to look up the word byname, which apparently means nickname and/or early surname (like from when surnames were used to distinguish between two people with the same name, like Isaac the Baker and Isaac the Bearded). But what I’m getting here is that the name Cecil is a Welsh surname that does not mean blind or have anything to do with blindness. But “in the Middle Ages,” people “occasionally” said they were using Cecil or Cecilia as a form of the Latin name Caecilius. And that Caecilius is a surname that came from some ancestor being called Isaac the blind, and the word for blind was caecus. This feels like a lot of big leaps to get to the idea that the name Cecily means blind. Nevertheless, Saint Cecilia in the Catholic tradition is considered the saint of the blind, so that perhaps locks it in for many. [Edited to add: This tidbit about Saint Cecilia is apparently not true. This is where I got the (mis)information: https://stmatthewmonroe.org/st-cecilia.]

Well. I wonder if you would like Celeste?

I’m not going to go on a similar journey for Agnes, because it’s a name your partner is more in favor of than you are, and I am glad to see those names but am not considering them strong contenders. I will say that other books list the meaning of Agnes as more like pure/holy/lamb (agnus is Latin for lamb).

I think the name Mary is similar to the name John, in that it seems so very ordinary and plain on paper, but springs to life with freshness on an actual child. There was one single Mary in school with my kids, and when I first heard her name I thought “MARY!!” with amazement, hearing it as if for the first time as a name rather than as almost a name stand-in. It feels saturated because of its many previous generations of popularity—but in this current generation of babies, it is rare and surprising. It is much higher in the Social Security Administration‘s rankings than I’d expect (#136 in 2022), and I have wondered if that is regional (i.e., in some areas of the U.S., there is a Mary per household), or if it is due to a large number of children being given the name but then going by a different name. I would be interested to hear other people’s experiences with the name in their region.

I am intrigued by the name Bernice. It has been off my radar. I remember a Bernice on the TV show Designing Women. (That used to be one of my favorite shows. I wonder if it holds up to modern re-watching?) Other than that, I’m not sure I’ve encountered any. I think Bernie or Birdy would be adorable nicknames. Bernice makes me think of the names Beatrice and Beatrix and Bernadette.

Alice, Bernice, and Agnes all merge a bit with the surname, creating a “speech” sound. This is not any sort of deal-breaker, but it’s the kind of thing I like to think about ahead of time.

Because you like Alice and Cecily, and because you like name meanings, I suggest the name Felicity. It means happy/lucky.

Because you like Laurence for a boy, I wonder if you would like Florence?

And because it came to mind while I was writing the post, I suggest the name Harriet. I feel it shares vibes with Agnes and Alice and Bernice and Sylvia.

If it were up to me, this is the list I’d be working with:

Celeste R0semarie Beach
Felicity R0semarie Beach
Florence R0semarie Beach
Harriet R0semarie Beach
Linnea R0semarie Beach
Sylvia R0semarie Beach

And the one that is currently my own frontrunner is Sylvia R0semarie Beach. It’s a first name that is on your shared shortlist and has meaning to both of you but you like it a little more than your partner does, which feels like it puts your 1% to good use; and it uses your own first name as the middle name, which gives her a uncontestable family honor name that goes a fair way to balance the weight of your partner’s family surname.

Name update:

Dear Swistle,

Thanks so much to you and your readers for the thoughts and suggestions! It gave us a lot to consider. A funny thing happened as we were testing out the names on our shortlist (we used each for a week): Alice wore so well! It went from unexciting to the top of my list. Once baby arrived on March 21, it still felt right. With my maternal grandmother’s name as first the name was satisfyingly balanced, and we chose a middle we liked for its style and meaning. Alice Esme Beach is now 3 weeks old and a true delight! Thanks again for your help.

R0sie and Patr1ck

Hello!

I really love your site and name advice! We are in the USA, about to have our second boy child. Our last name rhymes with “Gates” but has a different first letter (not hard to guess haha).

Our first son is named Walter Allen “Gates.” Walter was taken from two great grandfathers and Allen is my husband’s middle name.

We’re preparing for baby boy #2 in January of next year. We love family names and honoring family name traditions. We do hope to have more children in the future.

My side of the family began a tradition of giving the second-born son the middle name “Bennett” (my dad’s middle name). We like Bennett and want to continue the tradition. Some options we like include:

Ezra Bennett [G]ates
Alden Bennett [G]ates
James Bennett [G]ates
OR Jim Bennett (I’ll explain this more)

My husband and I both feel strongly about using a first name that honors my husband’s side too, particularly his grandpa. Now I’ll explain the dilemma. Grandpa’s name is Jimmy, goes by Jim. His name isn’t short for James or anything else—it’s literally just Jimmy/Jim!

Problem. I don’t like Jimmy as a stand alone. At all. Jimmy is out (as nickname it’s fine). We don’t like grandpa’s middle name either.

James isn’t my favorite of all names, but we appreciate it as a timeless classic. But it’s NOT grandpa’s name.

Jim is okay—I like its sound, its manliness—and it’s what grandpa goes by—and grandpa is an amazing man, worth naming after. But Jim isn’t a real full name, is it?

The options are, name our son James Bennett and nickname him Jim in honor.
OR, go all in and name him Jim Bennett [G]ates.

Is it weird to just give him the name “Jim?” Is it insufficient as a given first name? I do like the ring of saying “Jim Bennett.”

On the other hand, is James Bennett the safer option? Would our son rather have James to fall back on one day? BUT, is James really even honoring grandpa, since his name isn’t James?? Only the nickname would be after him.

Or should we just forget it and do one of the other names we like paired with Bennett? I’m torn. Need some advice! Thank you!!

It sounds to me as if this is just one of those impossible situations: you would love to honor someone whose name unfortunately does not work for you as an honor name. The choices are: (1) Use the name anyway (i.e., go with Jimmy or Jim) or (2) Don’t use the name (i.e., go with another option from your list). The brain attempts to find a third option, but there is no third option. The two options can then be weighed on a scale: Which do you want more? Which is more important to you?

It is unfortunate that sometimes the people we would MOST love to honor with an honor name are the people who don’t have names we can use. Maybe it’s a name shared by another, problematic family member, or by an ex; maybe it’s a name that’s impossibly terrible with the surname; maybe it’s a name we hate; maybe we run out of children to name before we run out of names we feel a strong need to use; maybe the honor name only works on a girl/boy and we never have a girl/boy. Whatever the reason, this is a familiar situation to many of us: sometimes an honor name just doesn’t work out. Unless it is crucially, crucially important to honor this particular relative over all others, my opinion is that you should let this idea go. There are other ways to honor the people we love.

But if you were saying you LOVED the name Jim, and your only question was could you possibly use it as a given name, I would say sure! It’s not my own style or preference, and I personally wouldn’t want the hassle of a nickname name (“No, actually, it’s just Jen, it’s not short for Jennifer”), but people do it all the time; in fact, there are many parents who deliberately give children nickname names, saying they believe in naming the child what they’ll be called. So that’s what goes on the birth certificate: Charlie or Sam or Addie. And in your case it’s a family name, which makes it considerably easier: some people WILL assume it’s short for James, and then you’ll say “Oh, actually, it’s just Jim: it’s a family name!”

On the other hand, how new is your family’s Bennett tradition? Is there still room to reinterpret it? You could name him Bennett Jimmy or Bennett Jim. And since it sounds as if you’re using your husband’s family surname, this gives a better balance to the name; it’s still heavily weighted to your husband’s side, but it’s better than a first name from a first name on the father’s side, a middle name from a middle name on the mother’s side, and then a surname from the father’s side. But Bennett might be a little much with the surname.

Another option, since you’re planning to have more children, is to save the Jim/Jimmy decision for a future child, when you will not also be trying to use Bennett. If you have freedom of middle name, that gives you room to find a combination that transforms Jim/Jimmy into a completely desirable choice: e.g., maybe when you hear “Jim Ezra” you think “Wait, YES!!! Or maybe there’s another family name that would sound wonderful with Jimmy: you’ll be going through the family tree and you’ll think, “Jimmy _____!! YES!!”

But my own first choice would be to say, “Welp, we really, really wanted to name a child after Grandpa, and it would have been GREAT if we could have—but unfortunately we cannot make Grandpa’s name work for us,” and use another name instead.

Name update:

Swistle,

Thank you (and to all the commenters) for the great name advice! It definitely helped me to re-examine how I felt about our name options! You’ll probably laugh at where I landed after being so conflicted.

Our sweet Jimmy Bennett (G)ates has arrived!

I remembered some advice you gave to others about not restricting yourself so much when it came to names. I let go of whether a name was considered “real” or not. I wasn’t too concerned with balancing my husband’s side with mine—mainly because I have adopted his grandpa completely as my own, and therefore it wasn’t a matter of which side of the family he is on in this case. Grandpa Jim is as precious to me as if he had always been my own. (It’s also just unspoken between my husband and me that I have the last word in name choice. I had to truly be satisfied before the choice was made! Somehow, my opinion of Jimmy slowly changed, and it grew into love hahaha).

Grandpa Jim was so thrilled by the honor name that he was in tears—he was totally surprised. Sharing the news with him is now a dear memory.

We’re loving the name and confident that our little Jim will be happy with his name (and it’s many nn options) as he grows. Older brother Walter also approves. So far baby has been called Jim, Jimmy, Jimbo, Jim Bennett, etc., and it fits him perfectly!

Happy new year from Jim!

Help! We have a baby girl on the way in early November, and I’m getting cold feet about the name we’ve (tentatively) picked.

Middle name will be the same as the famous immigration station island in the NY harbor (my last name), last name will be the same as the narrator of Moby Dick (husband’s last name).

Brother’s name: Samuel (Island) (Narrator). He is usually called Sammy. This baby will be our last because I’m getting my tubes tied, but if we do end up in a miraculous virgin birth situation, future children will have the same middle-last combo.

Top choice: Harriet/Hallie/Hattie. This was my suggestion and would have been Sammy’s name if he’d been a girl. We still like it but now I’m second guessing myself. Is it too weird/unpopular? Will people think a Hallie is named after Halle Berry? Will people think a Harriet is named after Harry Potter? What if you knew the parents were big Harry Potter nerds who now have a fraught relationship with the series because of the author’s transphobia? Samuel now seems like the most perfect name ever uttered — not too popular, not too weird, friendly-sounding, timeless — so how can we ever match that? Or do I just feel that way because Sammy himself is so great? Have I just been driven over the edge by pregnancy hormones? I am a chronic overthinker so this is very possible!

So we’ve kept looking. I would describe my naming style as “long stern maiden aunt full name with fun kicky nickname”. I’m not too concerned with popularity except it prefer it not to be super tied to a particular generation — no super sharp peaks in popularity a la Heather or Brittany. My husband is not as much of a name dork as I am and so would not describe his naming style in any particular way, but we generally have fairly compatible tastes.

Contenders:
Caroline/Cal/Caddie (I prefer Callie as a nickname but it makes him think of the state of California)
Dorothy/Dottie/Dot (family name on both sides but neither of us is sold)
Amelia/Molly (a little too popular, plus Molly is a bit of a stretch as a nickname)
Naomi (bit of a style outlier)
Rosemary/Rosie/Romy (was my top choice for a while but I’ve cooled off — not quite antique enough, I think)

Names I’ve suggested that my husband vetoed:
Mary (“too boring”)
Jane (ditto)
Louisa/Lucy (“too old lady”)
Esther/Essie (ditto)
Felicity (“too weird”)
Josephine/Josie (“it’s just a boy name with a girl ending”(???))

Names my husband has suggested that I’ve vetoed:
Abigail (recent sharp peak)
Audrey (too modern, if I can’t imagine it on a Jane Austen character it’s not for me)

Names we like but have other reasons for avoiding (don’t want to name after living relatives, close cousins with the name, sounds preposterous with the middle name, etc):
Margaret/Maggie
Marianne/May
Evelyn/Evvie
Alice
Rebecca (As a Betsy, the name Becky is my natural enemy)

(In case it helps: if this baby had been a boy they would have been Nathaniel.)

Please either talk me off this cliff and convince me Harriet is a good choice, or help us pick a new name!

(Thank you in advance and please feel free to edit this question as you see fit, since it got extremely long!)

Betsy

I am always a little worried that I will say “DON’T WORRY! This is just cold feet!”—and then it will turn out that, no, the letter-writer had genuine doubts, and now they will be writing back in a month with baby name regret.

Still, I will say my initial reaction to this letter is DON’T WORRY! This is just cold feet.

I think Harriet is charming and delightful, and wonderful with the sibling name. While the name Hallie does bring Halle Berry to mind, I would not assume there was any connection—especially with the different spelling, and a nickname not a given name. But also: it’s a very neutral association.

I would not have made any connection at all between Harriet and Harry Potter, though you were 100% correct to include the additional context, because that DOES move me from “I would never have made any connection at all” to “Wait, would I? No, I still think I wouldn’t.” I asked Paul for his reaction, to make sure I wasn’t paving over issues in my overeagerness to have a new baby in the world named Harriet; and he went on for SEVERAL MINUTES explaining why he did not think it was an issue (it involved Venn diagrams), despite the fact that he thinks he WOULD make the jump from Harriet to Harry Potter. So there’s two data points: Swistle and Paul both think this is not an issue.

It’s true the name Harriet is underused: according to the Social Security Administration, only 217 new baby girls were given the name in 2022. But it is FAMILIAR-uncommon: people know the name. They know how to pronounce it. They are not going to say “WHAT did you say? I have never heard that name!” And I suspect many people will be delighted to hear it: the common names are common because a lot of people like them, but it can mean we all get a little overly familiar with hearing them.

It has been…good heavens TWENTY YEARS since I first heard of a new baby named Harriet, and my very first reaction was “HARRIET????”—and about three seconds later, my second reaction was “😍✨😍H✨A✨R✨R✨I✨E✨T😍✨😍!!” And it was the new baby of one of Paul’s co-workers, and she was a spirited and opinionated child, so I kept hearing about this baby/toddler, and every single time it was a fresh delight: “Apparently Harriet is shrieking every time they put the spoon near her mouth, unless it is the BLUE spoon,” Paul would report, and I would think “😍✨😍H✨A✨R✨R✨I✨E✨T😍✨😍!!” I’ve retained that reaction to this very day.

Where was I? Oh, yes: I DO think the name Samuel/Sammy now seems so objectively perfect and unmatchable because of the child himself and your love for him. …Er! Not to say it is NOT a wonderful/friendly/timeless name! It IS! But I think you will come to feel the same way about your second child’s name, and that you should not try to compare apples (names that still seem like names) with oranges (names that are now YOUR CHILD).

If you MUST continue searching, then I wish Margaret wasn’t already off the table, because I think that would be a marvelous option: similar in GIST to Harriet but significantly more common (2,180 new baby girls named Margaret in 2022); excellent nickname options (Daisy, Greta, Margo, Retta, Meg, Maggie, Margie…); wonderful with the sibling name.

Henrietta. Hennie, Hattie, Ettie, Etta, Ria, Hank!

Oh, you might be a PERFECT candidate for one of my own favorites I am always trying to get people to use: Winifred. WINIFRED!! Stern maiden aunt for DAYS! Winnie! Freddie!

Also: Millicent. MILLICENT/MILLIE! Perfection.

Also: Florence. FLORENCE! Who else could be so stern and so lovely at the same time? And I think the actor Florence Pugh has recently given the name a good boost into usability. Nicknames Florrie, Flossie, Flora.

I am also a fan of Philomena. Minnie, Mena, Phil.

Matilda/Tilly/Tildy/Mattie.

LYDIA. Not a…GREAT…Austen character, but the right ERA, and a great NAME! Liddy!

Or Cordelia? Cory, Rory, Delia.

GEORGIA. George, Georgie, Geordy, Gigi, Gia.

Philippa! Pippa! Phil!

Claudia, but I am not sure about a nickname.

Another possible nickname for Caroline is Rory.

But I think 😍✨😍H✨A✨R✨R✨I✨E✨T 😍✨😍. I would use the nickname Hattie, except that I would never actually use it because I would be having so much fun saying the name Harriet. Well, no: I can see myself saying “Sammy and Hattie.”

Name update:

Thank you everyone for helping me fall back in love with our name choice — Harriet joined us on Halloween! I’d still love to see those Venn diagrams though!

My husband and I are expecting our second baby girl this January. She will complete our family as we’re both only children and having two children is our max. Our current daughter is “Eleanor Grace” and we love classic, southern names, particularly names with a French origin since my father is French (although French origin in not a requirement by any means, just a bonus).

Husband: Casey Walker

Wife: Emily-Anne Walker (“Emily-Anne” is my full first name and I go by “Emily-Anne” not Emily – however, I’ve always hated having a double name and will never name do that to my child!)

Daughter: Eleanor Grace Walker

Future Daughter:

Leaning towards “Mallory Jane” with “Mallory Joy” a second option because I love the middle name “Joy” but think “Mallory Jane” sounds nicer than “Mallory Joy.” I love how Mallory sounds, but it translates to “bad luck” (literally “ill-omened”) which is not at all ideal…

Other options we are considering:

·Fiona
·Dorothy
·Jane
·Claire
·Abigail
·Juliette
·Audrey
·Clara
·Catherine
·Margot
·Charlotte
·Lillian / Lily
·Penelope
·Leah

Any advice or guidance would be most appreciated – and I will be sure to keep you posted on the finial decision!

Thank you so much!

I love the middle name Joy, especially the way it coordinates with the middle name Grace. I will mention reluctantly that with the surname it makes me think of jay-walker, but I feel silly even bringing that up: How often will anyone say the middle name and surname together? And even if they do, a jay-walker is not such a terrible thing! And it’s NOT Jay, it’s Joy! But it is the kind of detail I like to think of and dismiss and be okay with BEFORE I’ve filled out a birth certificate rather than AFTER. Another middle name possibility: Hope.

Similarly, I would want to think ahead of time before using Eleanor and Penelope as sibling names, only because both names can use the nickname Nell. I don’t think that has to be a deal-breaker at all; it’s just something I’d rather consider ahead of time.

I would love to write a paragraph here about how little I think we need to take name-meanings into account—except that I had that same hesitation about the name Mallory back in my baby-naming days. Not so much the meaning as the presence of the Latin root word “mal” right there in the name. I still don’t think it has to matter! If I meet a little Mallory, I will not AT ALL wonder how her parents could have done that to her! I continue to love the name and wish for others to use it! But…the “mal” thing did make a difference in my own willingness to use the name, and so I understand if it does the same to you. …While also feeling inclined to PUSH YOU TO USE IT. It’s such a great and underused name!

Well. Would you want to consider the name Felicity? It’s the opposite of Mallory, meaning-wise, and I love it with the surname. The only thing that bothers me a little is the popularity gap: according to the Social Security Administration, the name Eleanor was #16 in 2022; the name Felicity was #457.

And I think you have so many other great options on your list already. My own favorite with the sibling name and surname is Clara, but I like SO MANY. What does everyone else like best?

Name update:

Thank you all for your comments!!! We ended up naming our second baby girl “Lillian”!! Her full name is Lillian Ruth Walker as Ruth is my mother in law’s middle name. We think Eleanor & Lillian go really well together :) Thank you again for your help!

I have had this open on my desktop for six days already, and it is too time-sensitive for even that amount of procrastination/delay/thinking, so I am not going to wait any longer but am posting it now for the group to take a crack at it.

Dear Swistle,

I wrote to you earlier in the pregnancy, before we knew baby’s sex. I delivered a baby girl 11 days ago. She’s still without a name.

The name we brought to the hospital was Beatrice. It was the only name my husband, three children, and I agreed on. I could tell my husband wasn’t thrilled by its length (he prefers one and two syllable names), but he wasn’t objecting or putting out other suggestions, so Beatrice it was.

The day we went to the hospital, we brought The Baby Name Wizard to look through middle name options. Our teenaged daughter has been very involved in the naming process. She has put more time and effort into finding a name than my husband and I combined. She had put post-it notes with all the middle names we’d discussed in the book to help is out (so sweet!). One note – for the name Phoebe -was longer than the others, saying she knows I already vetoed it (it was my childhood cat’s name, it’s a close friend’s dog’s name, and I immediately think of Phoebe Buffay), but would I reconsider? She had just finished reading a book with a character named Phoebe who was really cool and shared the same interests as my daughter and I (thrift shopping, vintage anything, and reading).

When I came home, she had put post-it notes on every page of the book that mentioned Phoebe so I could easily find them. She’s the most easy-going kid and usually defers to others’ preferences. The fact that she was quietly pushing for the name Phoebe was out of character so we felt we should explore it, especially since she spent hours and hours looking up baby names and making lists.

It turns out all the kids preferred Phoebe, my husband did, too, AND The Baby Name wizard lists all 3 of our older kids’ names as sibling matches for Phoebe (E$mé & 0l1ver and in another section of the book, it has @bel and Phoebe in the same Bible name section).

It seems like Phoebe was meant to be. And yet…

I just don’t know if I can use it. I’ve gotten over the cat and dog thing. And the FRIENDS thing. I think that other famous Phoebes have since helped dilute that association. I’ve gotten over how it sounds a little goofy with our last name (it’s one syllable and begins with a “Bee” sound, like Bean).

But I’m still not sure. Fee-Bee. FEE-BEE. It’s not…pretty. I keep thinking of the FRIENDS episode with Christina Applegate (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LVS2O3ha8f0). It is quirky and has a long history of use, which I like. It has lots of literary references, which is great. And my family loves it, which makes me want to love it.

How do you choose between two names? Thoughts on Phoebe with the sibling set? How much naming power is it reasonable to give up children (teen, tween, and second grader)? If I had more say in choosing the other kids’ makes, should I just give this to my husband/family? (But using a name I’m not sold on for my child seems such a huge ask!). Using either name feels so unnatural and strange. At this point, I think I’ll mourn not using either one of them a bit.

[I have thought about your post on your regular blog several times since reading it. I, too, feel like I make things more complicated or difficult than they need to be. I wish I could just name a baby in utero, or choose a name “just because I like it”, or even just pick between two names right in front of me. I wish I weren’t waffling or stressing and that I was just enjoying my new, sweet baby fully, instead. But if it weren’t this, I’d be fretting about something else, I’m sure].

Thank you for reading,

Michelle

Name update:

Dear Swistle and Lovely Readers,

Thank you so much for your help in naming our fourth baby. I appreciate all the readers’ comments so much. Immediately comforting were the comments that suggested we temporarily shelf choosing a name to prioritize rest and to just enjoy our baby. We took the advice and it really helped relieve the pressure.

We named our sweet girl Ph0ebe M@ude. M@ude was a name that was on my husband, daughter, and my lists for middle names – independent of each other! – so it was easy to choose.

Reading all the feedback was so helpful, even if it wasn’t in favour of the name Ph0ebe or of letting children have a say in choosing their sibling’s name. Your readers’ different opinions on the matter helped me sort out how I feel. The commenters with daughters named Ph0ebe also helped tremendously. So far, almost everyone has expressed pleasant surprise at hearing her name, just as the parents of Ph0ebes described in their comments.

My husband and children are thrilled. How do I feel?

I love her name and I’m so happy my eldest suggested it! It feels like our baby just *is* a Ph0ebe to me now.

It’s quite an about-face, I know! I’m even surprised by how settled I feel about her name. Besides the comments mentioned above, here are some other things that helped:

– I had to stop holding the name up against all the names that, for various reasons, we couldn’t use (solid Swistle advice from other posts; I just had to actually apply it).

– As several commenters suggested, I thought differently about the crux of the matter. It wasn’t really about whether or not Ph0ebe was my all-time favourite name. It was about whether I was happy to let my family – my husband and eldest, in particular – have their all-time favourite name. It turns out, I was.

– I had to stop constantly repeating “FEEEE-BEEEE” in my head and under my breath. When I stopped focusing primarily on phonetics (and saying them in an unnatural and exaggerated way), I could think about how much I liked other things about the name: the story behind it, how much family loved it, the meaning, the way it looks on paper, that it’s bright and friendly-sounding, how it flows with our other children’s names, how it’s familiar but not overly popular, etc.

– Rereading page 11 of the Baby Name Wizard. There, under the heading “So close, but which one?” it says, “If at the end you genuinely love two names equally, here’s a potential tiebreaker: imagine your kindergartener asking how you chose her name. Is there one name you can spin a particularly compelling tale about? If so, then you’re getting an extra bonus with that name, a dose of personal history and meaning.” Choosing Ph0ebe gave us that bonus.

– Just committing! As some commenters said it would, once the name was settled, the relief at finally having chosen a name was immense.

Some silly/surprising/pleasant findings since making the name official:

– Discovering by chance that in Bert’s “Jolly Holiday” song in the 1964 Mary Poppins movie (one of my kids’ favourite movies when they were younger), he sings the phrase “…Phoebe’s delightful, Maude is disarming…”. Neat!

– Realizing that my eldest daughter and youngest son’s names each have 4 letters and my eldest son and youngest daughter’s names each have 6 letters. A silly detail, but cool to have happened unplanned.

– Some friends addressed cards to “Baby Ph0ebe”, which made my heart skip a beat.

– Just how happy and settled I feel in our choice. I love seeing her name in writing, on government documents, and especially on the cross-stitch my eldest has started making for her baby sister. I love telling people her name and hearing others address her. When people ask where we got the name from, I love telling them the story. Surprisingly, I felt more post-naming angst about some of our kids’ names that I suggested! And maybe that’s because for a type-A over-thinker, like me, who likes to always have a plan, it feels freeing to sometimes let go and to be open to letting life unfold. When I do, things often turn out better than I could have planned them.

Thanks again to all💛

Hello Swistle!

We have been going through the baby name wizard you gifted us during your fundraiser years ago but we have not been able to come up with a first name for a boy. Baby is due in December.

We have one child, Ewan R@y. My spouse changed his name when we married so our family name sounds like “Cornmeal” without the “m”. Baby is due in December.

Spouse picked out Ewan’s first name when he was a teenager and I really liked it when he brought up the name so that worked out really nicely. He shares a middle name with my grandfather and a cousin.

If the baby is a girl, the name will be Lyra D@nielle. Lyra is from a book series spouse really likes and D@nielle is my sister’s middle name. We are both really excited about this name!

If baby is a boy, we would like to use Ryan (spouse’s brother’s first name) as a middle name.

We don’t want repeating initials so an “E” name is off the table if we use Ryan as a middle name. The other boy middle name we have discussed is William (in the context of a third boy) which is my spouse’s middle name and his grandfather’s middle name. We have talked about it and William or Ryan would be fine as middle names.

Names I like:

Shea
Eamon
Caspar
Konrad
Eligh
Emerson
Rowan
Emery
Everett
Edmund
Ezra

Names spouse likes/are just ok:

Ezra
Galen
Rowan
Ronan
Edmund
“I don’t know, that’s the problem!”
Everett
Eamon (this name is sometimes off the list)
Emery

Please help! We really have no idea.

I had written two full paragraphs encouraging you to go ahead and repeat an initial, since MORE THAN HALF of the names on BOTH lists start with E—and then I realized my reading comprehension was poor and that what you said is that you don’t want to repeat ALL the initials: that is, you are fine with another E name, but you don’t want another ERC name. I am saying this in case any commenters were about to have to surreptitiously delete two paragraphs, too.

My own preference would be to remove Eamon from the list: to me, it feels too similar to Ewan. And I realize this is completely subjective, but something about the Ewan/Eamon combination is particularly tangling to my particular brain: I say YOU-wen and AY-mon and there’s a short-circuiting sensation.

I would also remove Eligh. If that’s Eli with a -gh, I would keep it on the list but spell it Eli, unless there is a truly overpowering reason to spell it Eligh. And if there IS an overpowering reason to use that spelling, I would suggest using it as a middle name. Or possibly this is an auto-correct situation, and I will feel silly for pointing it out.

And I would remove Konrad: the K- and -nr- of Konrad with the C- and -rn- of the surname gives me that short-circuiting feeling again.

Shea turns into “shake or kneel” with the surname.

It feels unfair to remove so many of yours without removing any of your husband’s, so I’ll also take off Galen. I feel like that’s a tough name to carry.

And Rowan repeats the -wan of Ewan; I don’t know if that would bother you. It bothers me a little, but not enough to take it off the list; that is, I would take it off my list, but I’m not motivated to boss you to take it off of yours. Although, the more I think about it, the more it’s bothering me, so I may change my mind later. No, in fact, I’ve changed my mind already: it’s that the -wan is 3/4ths of the name Ewan, and that feels like too much to duplicate.

I’ll note that Ezra and Lyra both end in -ra, just in case that’s something you want to consider ahead of time.

Let’s see, where does that leave us. Emery, Everett, Edmund, Ezra (unless Ezra that would rule out a future daughter named Lyra); middle name William. I think you could name the baby any of those names and then pat yourselves on the back for a job well done. And it’s not uncommon in my own experience to have a girl name you’re really happy and excited about, and a boy name you agree on and think would be a solid choice but are not particularly excited about, or vice versa. Sometimes it just works out that way. So that is a very good start, and now let’s just see if we can find any boy names you WOULD feel excited about, because that can be fun too. Plus, since Ryan is your first choice for a middle name, it would be nice to find some non-E first-name options (…that Swistle doesn’t scribble out for you). Let’s all open our Baby Name Wizards.

Caleb. I notice you like alliteration. Caleb Cornmeal; Ewan and Caleb.

Cyrus. Found it while looking for alliteration; it’s not alliterative, but still jumped out at me as a brother name for a Ewan. Cyrus Cornmeal; Ewan and Cyrus. But I’d caution that it is a little similar to Lyra.

Gideon. Some of the sounds of Konrad/Edmund, some of the sounds of Galen. Gideon Cornmeal; Ewan and Gideon.

Silas. I was in the biblical section and it caught my eye. Silas Cornmeal; Ewan and Silas. Similar to Cyrus, but no issue with a future Lyra.

Angus. I have moved now to the Celtic section. Angus Cornmeal. Ewan and Angus. Despite knocking Rowan off your list for a related offense, the -an/An- thing appeals to me a little. Also, I seem to be in Overthinking It Mode now, because do names that end in -s form the words “score” or “scorn” with your surname? I’m saying Angus Cornmeal and sometimes hearing “score” (which would be fine) but not “scorn” (which might also be fine, but is a negative word), and sometimes hearing nothing, because “Scornmeal” does not seem like a likely surname, and because Angus is a familiar enough first name that it doesn’t lose the -s to the blend.

Callum. Alliteration again, Celtic-style this time. Callum Cornmeal (I would find it Too Much if the surname actually had an M in it); Ewan and Callum.

Declan. This feels nicely snappy to me with Ewan. It makes me feel like saying the names together a bunch of times to enjoy them. Declan Cornmeal; Ewan and Declan.

Griffin. I enjoy this combination, too. Griffin Cornmeal; Ewan and Griffin.

Quinn. Interesting repeating sounds with the surname, and with the sibling name. I almost took it off the list, then found I didn’t want to, so I left it on: with the surname, the repeating sounds make me want to keep saying it; with the sibling name, it intrigues me how many sounds the names share while staying so different. Quinn Cornmeal; Ewan and Quinn.

Rhys. It’s simultaneously pleasing and also a little alarming (because of the potential pressure, if you then added a fourth child) to imagine later adding a Lyra, so that all three kids would have four-letter names. Rhys Cornmeal; Ewan and Rhys (and maybe Lyra).

Jasper. Jasper Cornmeal. Ewan and Jasper.

Alfred. I started with Alfie, but hesitated: is that enough name? And I do so love the name Alfred. Alfred Cornmeal, perhaps called Alfie; Ewan and Alfred, Ewan and Alfie.

Otto. Otto Cornmeal; Ewan and Otto.

Leo. I can’t tell if I like it with the surname. Leo Cornmeal; Ewan and Leo.

Gage. Similar to Galen. Gage Cornmeal; Ewan and Gage.

Wesley. Wesley Cornmeal; Ewan and Wesley.

Abel. Abel Cornmeal; Ewan and Abel.

Carey Cornmeal; Ewan and Carey.

Fletcher Cornmeal; Ewan and Fletcher.

Hayes Cornmeal; Ewan and Hayes.

Lane Cornmeal, and I like it significantly better knowing there’s no -m-; Ewan and Lane.

Murphy Cornmeal; Ewan and Murphy.

Nolan Cornmeal; Ewan and Nolan.

Wells Cornmeal; Ewan and Wells.

Davis Cornmeal; Ewan and Davis.

Malcolm Cornmeal; Ewan and Malcolm.

Miles Cornmeal; Ewan and Miles

Name update:

Dear Swistle!

Ezra William arrived in time for Christmas. Thank you and the readers for the name input!

Hi Swistle!

I’ve been an avid reader of your blog for many years and I’ve always loved names. My husband and I are expecting our first child, a girl this July and we are struggling to find names that work. I always had girls names that I would use, but my husband is German, along with his entire family, and our child will be raised in both Germany and America so many names that I like do not work in Germany. We have lived in both countries and currently reside in Germany, but expect to be back in America in the future.

For some background on German names: there are a lot more unspoken rules around naming a child. If you look up “kevinism” you will see just some of the rules linked to Germany. These include not giving your child a super ‘american/british’ name, not doing a super american/french name with a german last name, place/thing names are not acceptable, and names that are of german/latin/hebrew (biblical) descent are seen the most proper and correct. Scandinavian names are also popular in Germany. There are some exceptions to these rules, but generally these rules apply. While some younger germans are pushing away from these rules, they are still very much followed by many. It is very important to us that our child feels she ‘fits’ in both cultures.

If I was not married to a German man and if my husband was going along with whatever names I like, my top two girls names would be June and Rose. I love both these names for their summery feel, long history of usage, short, feminine, and just overall ‘feel’ of the name. Alas, neither of these work at all in German as they are seen as very American names/English ‘thing’ names. Even when I type those names, I still wish I could use them, but I know its not fair to my husband and to our daughter’s 50% German genes if I pushed two names that truly do not work in one country.

For my naming style: I tend to like girls names that have been in usage in history, are not too ‘out there’, and are shorter. I generally do not like super long, overly feminine girls names. My husband does not appear to have any rules around names, he just will suggest names that he thinks sound interesting. I am definitely the person who cares more about the name and history. Our last name sounds similar to Raiserhöffer (but with a more difficult spelling) so very German, hard to pronounce when read, and long.

Some names we have thrown around (in no particular order):

1. Charlotte- the name I am lobbying for. I like the nickname Charlie, Charlotte works in both countries (pronounced char-lott-uh in Germany), and is seen as a classic in both countries. My husband feels neutral on the name, but doesn’t feel enthusiastic. He is pushing for Caroline instead, which is a hard no from me.

2. Lucy- the name we both love, but cannot use because it is seen as an English name and not a proper name in Germany. Plus, the older generations in Germany who do not speak English pronounce it like “lutzie” which is not a dealbreaker, but we want a name that everyone feels comfortable with. I love this name because of its literary connotations, musical connotations, and short but lively sound.

3. Claire- we are both ‘okay’ with this name. Germans would prefer it to be Clara, but we can get away with Claire. I do like the meaning, but there is something about it that I am not super enthusiastic about. Neither my husband nor I like Clara.

4. Ava- a hail mary name I threw out there. My husband likes this one a lot. Germans would pronounce it ‘ah-vah’. I like it, but I am worried it will be a very dated name in twenty years for American ears. I also feel like its lost its sparkle a bit? So far the name we seem to agree on the most and my husband’s top-runner favorite.

5. Louisa- my husband’s suggestion. Technically written ‘Luise’ in German, but we would do the English spelling. It feels very German to me and I tend to like shorter/more snappy names. This feels like a large step away from names I would give my daughter if there were no cultural issues here on names.

6. Kaia- a name I like, it would work in Germany b/c of its scandinavian origins, but I typically like more classic sounding names and this feels a bit out there. I mostly like this name for its meaning. If our next child was a boy, I think it would not fit with the Leo/Lucas/Henry names I tend to lean towards. For this reason, I am not looking at the name seriously.

7. Maren- another name that we’ve thrown around. Also diverts from my typical leanings for more classic names, but it is shorter. I like the meaning ‘of the sea.’ It is a German/Danish name, but older name in Germany and I think it is rising in America. I’m worried I would regret giving her a name that doesn’t have the historical ties that I tend to like and I find myself hesitating on this name.

8. Lily- the only ‘flower/thing’ name that Germans find acceptable, because they do not consider this name to be a flower. In Germany, the name is spelled “Lilly” and comes from the full name Elizabeth. I like it, but it feels a bit too soft? I don’t know how to explain it.

9. Romy- a german nickname, but I find it quite cute. I am nervous that it does not fit an adult and that maybe it is a passing fancy of mine. Also not sure about the alliteration of Romy R. My husband also feels weird about the two “R”s especially when Germans use a different sounding “r” from english. (more harsh sounding on the tongue). For those reasons, I am not seriously considering it, but listing it here so you get a sense of the names we have talked about.

10. Amelia/Emilia- My husband likes this naming set. Emilia is the German version and is very very popular in germany right now. It feels a bit too flowery to me. Again, it mostly feels like I am agreeing to a name here that fits a culture rather than my own personal naming preferences.

Sorry for this very long (slightly desperate) email! I never thought I would be in this boat of not having a name picked out and it is increasing my anxiety as the due date draws closer each week. I appreciate any thoughts, names, suggestions, or other comments besides this small echo-chamber of my husband and I!

All the best,

M & S

I agree that the child’s name should work in both of her parents’ countries, especially since you plan to live in both. I agree it seems wrong to give her a name that truly doesn’t work in one of the two countries, or a name that would be viewed with disdain in either of the two countries. But I am not ready to pleasantly concede that “The name cannot be/seem American” is a valid cultural naming rule for one parent’s country to apply to the other parent’s country.

But if that’s what we’re going to work with, and if the child is going to have her father’s family surname AND only be given names that meet the preferences of her father’s culture (those preferences excluding anything from her mother’s culture), then certainly you, the mother, should have 100% deciding power from among the names that meet those preferences. I further suggest that you use one of The Names You Can’t Use in Germany as the child’s middle name, where presumably it will not be visible enough to encounter daily disdain. Anyone who DOES say anything about it can be reminded that the child has two parents.

(Perhaps it would be instructive before going any further to have your husband spend a few minutes imagining a situation in which the child was to be given YOUR family’s surname, and ALSO that the rest of the name had to meet YOUR culture’s guidelines, which in this imaginary case would mean NO German names or anything that even SEEMED LIKE a German name. And now perhaps he would like to imagine that after he agreed to those remarkable conditions, the two of you came up with a list of names that qualified as Not German, and now you were pushing to use one of YOUR top choices rather than one of his.)

I vote for Charlotte June. You mention that Charlotte is your own top choice of the names that can be used in your husband’s culture; it works in both countries; it works with the surname; “Charlie June” is an appealing nickname; and the only downside is that your husband feels neutral about it. Neutral is a HUGE WIN for this difficult naming situation! He can save his enthusiasm for the use of his family surname and for his wife’s willingness to defer to all his culture’s naming customs! And this way you both get something you’re happy and enthusiastic about: I cannot fathom going with your husband’s family surname, your husband’s cultural naming preferences, AND one of your husband’s first-choice names, while you get nothing. AT THE VERY LEAST, the first name should be ONE of your top favorites, if not your VERY most favorite. (I would prefer it to be your VERY most favorite.)

Or Charlotte Lucy. Since Lucy is the name you both love but agree you can’t use in the first-name position, it might be pleasing to have it there in the middle-name slot.

(I’m leaving out Charlotte Rose for two reasons: Rose is such an extremely common middle name for girls right now in the U.S.; and I feel like Charlie Rose doesn’t work as well as a nickname.)

Name update:

Hi! I am so sorry for my delayed update. Our daughter was born with a surprise medical complication and has undergone two surgeries in her short life already. She is doing much better now. The name we went with was Charlotte Maren. Thank you everyone for your wonderful insights and comments, I read them all. It really is interesting trying to merge two cultures together!

Hi Swistle!

My husband and I are expecting our first child this May and are not finding out the sex. I’ve always loved talking names: my husband, not so much. Before we were pregnant, he said it felt like putting the cart before the horse. (Fair enough, since we ended up dealing with 2.5 years of infertility before this pregnancy).

Now that we are pregnant, I thought we’d have conversations and find a name together. Or, more likely with our decision-making styles, I’d come up with my top 5 names and he’d pick from among them. What I wasn’t expecting is that he doesn’t really care.

Not in a “I don’t want to talk about this at all,” way, more of a “whatever you like, go for it!” way. His position is that the baby is getting his last name, that he knows how much names matter to me, and that he’d tell me if I chose a name he hated. This all sounds perfectly reasonable to me. We’ve always had a policy that if an issue matters more to one partner, they get more say. But at the same time, I feel guilty! A baby’s name feels like such a big decision — shouldn’t he love it too? Am I being selfish in getting my way?

So, Swistle, I mostly just need someone to reassure me that this situation is fair and that I’m not being crazy.

And, of course, since a name letter is no fun without actual names, we/mostly I have settled on Calvin David for a boy and Margaret Rose (Maggie) for a girl. The firstborn women in my family have been named some variant of Margaret for a few generations, and Rose is my middle name and a family name as well. David is my father’s name, and we just liked Calvin :-) The baby’s last name will start with a B and sounds very similar to a famous family of bears that live in a tree.

Thank you for any help and reassurance you may have!
Meg

One reason it has taken me so long to respond (the email arrived LAST NOVEMBER) is that I have empathy but not necessarily advice: I would feel pretty much exactly the same as you feel, and I don’t know how I would deal with it.

Definitely you’re not being selfish or crazy! Your husband appears to be in his right mind, and he is saying this is just not a big deal to him, and he lovingly notices it IS a big deal to you. He has also specifically reassured you that this doesn’t mean he’d let you accidentally use a name he disliked, so there’s a safety net in place. And I do think he is correct that the choice to use his family’s surname for the children is a BIG THING, and I appreciate that he appreciates this.

The situation reminds me a little of when our household needed a computer for the kids to do their homework. I care approximately zero about computers, and Paul is an actual expert on computers and cares very much, and also he KNOWS what the options are and what the implications are of those options, as well as which companies sell what items for what prices, and what needs to be name-brand and what doesn’t, and so on. So I felt completely content letting him make the entire decision, as long as we agreed on a few baseline items such as cost (the children do not need a top-of-the-line dream computer for doing homework) and size (the children do not need multiple computer monitors). I would not WANT to be involved in the discussions; I would not WANT to have to fake being interested in the struggle over rams and gigs or whatever. I would be WILLING to be a sounding-board if that’s what he needed, but I don’t have any other need to be involved.

It sounds very much as if this is what is going on with your husband and baby names. He is presumably WILLING to be a sounding-board if that’s what you need, but he feels content with your tastes and preferences and knowledge on the topic. I guess I DO have a little advice, which is to be careful not to accidentally activate his opinions by using him too often as a sounding-board. If someone talked to me A LOT about computers, I might start developing preferences after all.

Paul was not quite as explicitly hands-off during the baby-name process, but he never really enjoyed discussing names or thinking about them, and he didn’t care very much about the decision, and of course I cared very much indeed. So I will tell you how we handled it. The same day I got a positive pregnancy test, I got out my baby name books and started making lists. I thought about it A LOT, but didn’t talk about it much. I might say “Hey, what do you think of the name Daniel?” or whatever, but I didn’t sit him down for an hour of talk about initials and nicknames, or the pros and cons of Milo vs. Miles. I kept all that within my heart for the time being.

At some point, I handed him a list of maybe a dozen names, and had him star any he particularly liked and cross out any he outright rejected; we first had a little talk about not being over-quick to veto, and about how a veto at this stage was not a VETO-veto (unless he specifically said it was) but more of an indication of which names would be more work to sell. When I had a name I felt pretty excited about, I would prepare him ahead of time to hear it, by SAYING it was a name I felt excited about and so I didn’t want him to react right away, and instead I wanted him to let the name settle in for awhile.

But at one point we got down to two names for one baby, and I preferred one of the two names and Paul preferred the other, and even though Paul said he really liked both names and his preference was only mild and he would be completely happy with either name, and even though my preference was strong and he said it was absolutely fine to go with my preferred name, I still had some trouble doing it! I guess I wanted us to agree, and also for us both to feel equally strongly about it—but that was not one of the available options. And now, years and years later, I don’t think much about it except to feel satisfaction that we went with my choice, which I still feel was objectively better as well as subjectively better.

And you’ve chosen wonderful names: your husband is right to put this decision in your hands. I know what it feels like to want the other parent to feel AS STRONGLY that the names are SO WONDERFUL, and I think he WILL with time—or he might just NEVER really care about it, and that too is FINE. YOU will enjoy the names, and in time I think it will bother you less that he wasn’t as actively involved in choosing them or in rejoicing over them.

If you need any further bolstering, I will attempt to spook you with a glimpse of another timeline, where you are set on these wonderful names, and your husband (scary sting music) DOESN’T LIKE THE NAMES AT ALL. And is insisting on his own favorite names, which are names you (scary sting music) DON’T LIKE AT ALL! And the two of you are locked in this battle, where it looks like neither of you will be happy, and you will have to choose names you feel only mildly positive about, because (one more scary sting music) THOSE ARE THE ONLY ONES YOU CAN AGREE ON!!

Name update:

Hi Swistle,

Thank you ask much for answering my question a few months ago! I needed that validation that (a) I wasn’t being selfish and (b) others had been in similar situations that worked out well.

And now, the fun part of the update – we welcomed our sweet boy Calvin David! As soon as Cal was born, it was like the name became real to my husband. He started looking up famous Calvins and officially christened the nursery “the Cal Zone” 😆.

Thank you again!
Meg

Dear Swistle,

We are expecting our second son due at the end of May. Our oldest is named: Everett Jude. We have narrowed our younger son’s first name down to Abel or Levi. For his middle we would like a nature inspired name. Middles we are considering but haven’t settled on: Griffin, Forest, and Rhodes. We would love your expert opinion on middle name ideas for Abel and Levi. We have a common surname that rhymes with Paw and has an Sh at the beginning.

I promise to send an update.

Thank you for your expertise!

Kelly

This question caught my eye because we just did a post with a lot of nature-name suggestions; those comments could be useful here as well.

I had to look up the nature inspirations for Griffin and Rhodes. Rhodes can be said to mean “rose” or “where roses grow.” I was not successful in finding a nature meaning for Griffin: I found things about prince/lord, and also of course the mythical beast.

For Abel:

Abel Brooks
Abel Clover
Abel Cove
Abel Falcon
Abel Flint
Abel Florian
Abel Fox
Abel Garnet
Abel Hart
Abel Hawthorne
Abel Heath
Abel Raven
Abel Reed
Abel River
Abel Robin
Abel Rowan
Abel Sylvan
Abel Valley
Abel Wren

For Levi:

Levi Alder
Levi Bracken
Levi Books
Levi Cove
Levi Flint
Levi Florian
Levi Garnet
Levi Hart
Levi Hawthorne
Levi Heath
Levi Jasper
Levi Laken
Levi Lark
Levi Linden
Levi Oliver
Levi Parker
Levi Ranger
Levi Raven
Levi Reed
Levi River
Levi Robin
Levi Rowan
Levi Sylvan

Name update:

Hi Swistle, Arthur Abel arrived a few weeks early on May 7. We decided to place Abel in the middle after reading many of the helpful comments. Arthur means, “strong as a bear” or “bear” and pairs well with big brother’s name, Everett. Thank you for all of your suggestions.

Kelly