We are ticking off all the things that will happen before the summer is over and Henry goes to college. One after another, tick tick tick, and now here we are in the last week. We have purchased the twin-extra-long sheets and comforter; we have purchased the tower fan and the bath towel and the backrest. Henry has purchased a guitar.
On Saturday, I took Henry out for breakfast; he and I both like eating breakfast out, and everyone else in our household is kind of meh about it, so we seized a last opportunity. Sunday morning, I drove Rob to the train station (he was here for a two-week visit). Tuesday is Henry’s last day of his summer job. Wednesday I’m off work, and we go pick up Elizabeth from the summer camp where she’s been working, and we do last-minute college shopping for anyone who needs it. Thursday we’re getting Chinese take-out for dinner at Henry’s request. Friday morning Edward has a hospital infusion appointment, so Paul will take Edward to that while I take Henry to college; I might bring William along to help with carrying things, but my memory of other freshman drop-offs is that the lifting/carrying is done almost entirely by extremely school-spirited students working for the Admissions department and using giant rolling carts, while the parents go park the car in a distant lot and walk half a mile back to the dorm to hug the child good-bye and then walk half a mile back to the car.
We have not been settle-the-child-in college parents. At the urging of a coworker whose child is going to the same college as Henry, I joined a Facebook parents group for parents of freshmen at this school, and it has been an eye-opening experience. Parents MEASURING FOR CURTAINS. Parents asking about filters for the showerheads/faucets. Parents wondering which dining hall is closest to their child’s dorm. Parents posting, and I am not exaggerating, HUNDREDS of questions about lofting the beds, and about how many inches there will be under each type of lofted bed, and asking about special bedskirts that will cover the mid-lofted underbed space, etc.
We drop the child off with all their things, and we hug them and leave. So far each baby bird in turn has figured out bed-lofting without us. I remember this from my own college experience as well: bed-lofting is a student group-bonding experience. No one needs a middle-aged parent trying to measure the gap for a bedskirt that matches the curtains. (What happens, I wonder, if the roommate’s parents ALSO bring bedskirt-matching curtains??)
Different people are different ways, so there MUST be students who earnestly want/need their parents to help unpack all their stuff, make the bed, choose coordinated decorations for the room, etc., but we are so far five for five on students not wanting that. Elizabeth SHOOS US OUT: “Okay, now go away, I want to arrange my stuff!” A few hours later she sends us a Snapchat video of the results, zooming in on highlights: her plant, her art supplies, her posters, her large round ugly stuffed proboscis monkey.
The day after we drop off Henry, we leave early in the morning to drive the twins back to college. Both of them are in unfurnished campus apartments this year, which seems to me like THE WORST option: so much stuff to bring, AND you have to clean your own bathroom. (The dorm bathrooms are communal, and cleaned by someone who is paid to do it.) We had a hitch put on one of the cars so we can pull one of those little enclosed trailers. Two mattresses (thank you for the suggestion, Jane D., they are currently uncompressing on my dining room table and seem GREAT!), two mattress bags for protection during transport and for easier carrying, two folding desks (one is this one and one is this one), two folding bookcases. Everything else packed into bags like these (we have several sets, some IKEA brand and some knock-offs; all seem good), which are like nice sturdy roomy water-resistant duffels that fold flat when you don’t need them, and also the kid can use one as a good single duffel for coming home on breaks.
One week from today we will be back home and all three college kids will be at college, and we will be figuring out what a household looks like when it’s me, Paul, and 24-year-old William.
I don’t have kids, but my friends are just starting to have kids heading to college. So Facebook has decided that I want to be a part of some weird parents Facebook page that talks about decorating dorm rooms. And it is CRAZY. The rooms are super cute. But it makes me glad that I am not young now because that would have stressed me the hell out. 25 years ago I had a non-air conditioned dorm room, we lofted the beds with treated unfinished wood, we had a shelf that consisted of cinderblocks and plywood. We had the ugliest navy blue carpet. We had two floor fans pointed directly at our bed and an old love seat of my parents. And it was literally the best time. I lived with the same person for 3 years in a dorm room and my last year in a furnished apartment and in 3 weeks we are going on our 8th international trip together.
Good luck with all of the moves!
Your kids are older than mine, but I noticed a similar trend when my youngest two (twins) started 6th grade. We had recently moved to a school where every grade level had a parents WhatsApp chat group and as that was part of the school culture I joined them. The 10th grade parents group was essentially crickets the entire year. The 7th grade group got a bit into things with some curriculum changes. The 6th grade (new middle school) parents group was CONSTANTLY PINGING with questions about locker measurements, where to find a shelf that would fit in the locker, so.many.questions about the locker. I eventually just muted it but it seems like maybe it’s all new college parents who are micromanaging the move in?
My DEAR HOPE is that this group will CALM THE F DOWN once all the freshmen are partway through their first semester, and then from then on it will be a useful resource! (If not, and if at the beginning of sophomore year we are still talking about where our children can buy shampoo and chewable multivitamins, I AM LEAVING!!)
The older child’s college’s parents’ group was full of micromanagers to the very end. It was most intense at the beginning of the year, but it never ended. It had entertainment value. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’m even on a parents’ group for the younger child’s college. Either that, or it’s a lot less active.
Hunh. I am currently on a road trip with my DH and DS who is heading to college 1500 miles from home and we figured we might as well have some fun getting him there (so far so good, we are taking a week to do the drive and stopping at various scenic/destination spots on the way, though I have to say that even broken up it is a LOT of time in the car).
I’ll admit that one thing we are doing is figuring we’ll buy DS stuff for the dorm (and other stuff he needs, like he’s brought almost no cold- or even cool-weather clothes but is heading to place that will be cold) once we get there, either literally while we are there — we arrive Weds., spend a few nights there and he moves into the dorm Saturday — or via having it shipped once he gets there. And yes, it’s a dorm, so he doesn’t need mattresses and things but … mightn’t it have been easier to use a similar strategy for your kids’ mattresses, etc.? Perhaps not, if they must arrive at exactly the same time! We’ll have to figure that sort of thing out for later years, I am sure, as DC at least thinks he wants to live off campus once he can.
But yes, we are 100% of the drop-the-kid-off-and-wish-him-luck school of parenting, and DS is very much invested in that approach himself. Looking forward to having “his own” space and doing “his own” thing (albeit with a roommate, etc.). I wonder what the approach of the other parents in the group will be.
Good luck with all the departures, moving parts, and so forth.
Getting things shipped (or having the kids bring those things back with them after Thanksgiving/Christmas break) works really well for small/unimportant stuff and for stuff they don’t need right away, and really poorly for things like mattresses (which have to be taken out of the box several days before being used) and other heavy furniture: the mail center is a considerable distance from the on-campus apartments, and isn’t open on weekends, and does not have anything available for transporting heavy items. And at move-in time, the mail center is DELUGED: they ask people to be patient as they try to process far more packages than they ever normally have to deal with. Many people from farther away have no choice but to have things shipped; since we are driving the kids anyway, we try not to add our stuff to the mayhem.
Oh! That all makes sense (scribbling notes for next year). 100% with you on seeking to avoid adding to the mayhem, I have very much sympathy for the people who work moving college students in/out, etc.
I drop off and go- for a few we sent them off in an airplane with some checked luggage and a fond farewell. I encourage them not to bring too much, because you have to move it all out again. Some parents go way overboard – they’re probably the same ones that bought chandeliers for the junior high school lockers. I also think an unfurnished apartment isn’t ideal,at least for younger college students. They’ll have to cook and clean for themselves, which just adds so much to their already full plate. ( and leads to debt when they eat out too much…)
Best wishes for your college bound children!
These on-campus apartments do have a kitchen—but it’s not required that they use it. We got meal plans for them as usual.
This is a “know your kid” thing, I think. Almost 30 years later, I still wish my parents had stuck around for a bit instead of just dropping me off. I was fine and I figured things out, but as you can see, I still remember it!
Curtains and decor definitely not necessary for me though.
In 1997 I also felt a bit abandoned while all the other parents were still there making beds and such. There’s probably a reasonable middle ground! Communication is probably the answer as with many parenting decisions.
I’m happy to hear there are still parents who drop off their kids, well-equipped, to find their way. I’m already bereft about missing my children (high school is SO short! I never realized!), but I want them to feel independent and be busy making new friends when they get to college.
That does sound like a big change, even if your nest isn’t completely empty. We also have a 24 year old at home, so ours has never been empty either.
Noah lived in furnished apartments his junior and senior years. Where do you get the big pieces (bed, couch, etc)? Do you have to buy them when you get there or are you bringing furniture with you? I can’t even imagine.
We have them put their mattresses on the floor, no bed frame. Then we get a folding desk and a folding bookshelf, to make transportation easier. Things like couch, etc., we’re hoping their roommates bring, or that they can figure it out once they’re there. When Rob had his first semester in an unfurnished apartment, he showed up to find the living room so full of couches/chairs, you couldn’t GET TO the couches/chairs: several roommates had each independently brought furniture!
We really only moved my oldest in her freshman year! She managed on her own the rest of the time (even moving mid-year due to becoming an RA and having a new dorm assignment.
In my experience the parents groups rarely chill out! My oldest graduated in the spring, but I checked it yesterday for a mechanic recommendation for my younger daughter who is in the college town visiting friends, and the panic posts (and passive aggressive ones) were all over the place. Grasping at the straws of the last bits of super hands on parenting I guess? Whatever floats their boat. I was rather glad to be promoted to “Consultant” from “Direct Manager”.
My parents helped haul stuff into the room and then left. If they hadn’t helped haul stuff into the room, I would never have thought of taking a photo of the room and they never would have seen it, but also that was in the Age Before Cell Phone Cameras.
I do think some parents are freaking about all the things they can’t control and therefore seek to control the things they can. It is also possible that some kids have expressed wishes for their dorm room and the parent is trying to Make That Happen. And some parents may not have ever gotten what they really wanted and are therefore expressing themselves through their child’s dorm room – or just looooove decorating and have been doing things up for their child’s entire life, and why stop now? And also some people are just nuts.
But psychologically explicable or not, that does sound like a phenomenally unhelpful set of postings, yikes. May it improve rapidly!
(good call on getting a meal plan!)
We moved my son last Thursday, and it was pretty low key. We did stay to help put stuff away and make up the bed, but by the time we made it back from the far away parking lot (we had a bus to transport us back!), he was mostly moved in. Just as we finished, his roommate (and his stuff) arrived. We know his roommate and his family, so we stayed to help them. Bed lofting was definitely a group project, as the dorm had ignored their requests to have them fully lofted, and one bed was mid-loft and one was unlofted. The dad across the hall showed us what to do, and then the boys were set. We took them out to lunch, and then dropped them off in the far away parking lot to take the bus back to the dorms. He blew me a kiss, and then headed off. Based on the text messages and the one conversation we have had with him, he is living his best life, which makes it easier. We have had one amazon delivery to the dorm, they have made a trip to Target, and the roommate’s mom has made two trips up with stuff her son forgot (like his pillows). Luckily we live close, so it wasn’t a big deal.
Best of luck on the move, and then figuring out your new home composition.
I have started casually looking at some of those dorm groups because I am a planner and all I can say is WOW. I can only imagine that it is like Pinterest and you only see the top 1% of what people are doing because everyone who is just…sticking stuff into a dorm room isn’t taking tons of posed pictures and posting about it in Facebook groups. I have already gotten the blue square bag things for me and Alex to take to Girl Scout camp and all the other camping parents were jealous of them.
Goodness what a busy time for you! I hope the start of the school year goes well for all 3 of your undergraduates. We just dropped off my oldest for his first year, and it was hard. Is still hard, a few days later. Not the moving in part – we got him set up pretty easily (we did help him unpack but left him to figure out things like rug/curtains/posters/etc with his roommate once they were all settled). The LEAVING part, where we don’t get to see him every day, and I know my introverted kiddo is struggling with some loneliness and homesickness. I am trying so hard to reign in all my “there is something wrong and I must FIX IT” urges – I know he needs to figure this out for himself. But it’s a bit of torture.
On a side note, those blue bags were 100% awesome and made getting everything to the university and into the dorm room so easy.
Yessssss that part is rough. I always seem to focus my distress on food: I feel as if they won’t be able to find the dining hall, or won’t go.
Both of my kids (one current senior, one sophomore) definitely welcomed the help to get organized in their rooms freshman year. One is across the country and one is an 8-hour drive, so it was also going to be a few months before we saw them again. It was a fun bonding experience for our family, and it was our one chance to meet the roommate.
For the record, though, I also feel like the dorm room decorating has gotten SO insane. I often feel glad that I went to college/got married/had my babies before the age of Pinterest, Instagram and Etsy.
Wow, those moving bags look like game-changers! I’m like the commenter above… my kids aren’t college-age yet, but Facebook has decided to show me all the dorm move-in pictures. They are mega stressful!
We helped Angus a bit in first year, just because we were all new to the experience and shell-shocked and he needed help figuring out how to fit his three hundred t-shirts in a very small room (seriously. He started off packing for college like he was just going away for the weekend and then ended up with more t-shirts than I thought all of us owned combined).
Eve wanted my help with everything, which was nice because I was into helping her. Her room was single and very fun to organize. Her suitemate (they shared a bathroom) kept wandering in and looking shocked that I was still there (we found out later it was basically because her parents are awful and don’t help her with anything).
When I moved in, other frosh descended on the car and stripped it like locusts, and by some miracle everything ended up in the right room. This didn’t happen in Elmira, I don’t know why, or at McMaster because it was Covid. But there were rolling carts.
I drive Eve back on Sunday. Solidarity, sister.
I knew I could count on you to be a voice of reason. My twin daughters are freshmen off to college, each out-of-state. We took one last Thursday and leave with the other this Thursday. Both are attending state universities, and one parent page barely exists, while the OTHER…is just as you describe, and frankly gives me palpitations. Like if your kid actually NEEDS this much managing, maybe they aren’t ready for college? But I suspect the majority of these parents are just channeling their feelings into (possibly unwelcome) dorm prep and thinking of every doomsday scenario, and I relate viscerally, but we cannot descend into the anxiety.
Some parents are making an entire week’s stay out of move-in, and the universities even have events for the parents! I do not recall this back in the dark ages. My parents literally spent 20 minutes in my room and were gone. And it was good for me.
I am echoing others, those blue duffels are fantastic! Made the move in very smooth.
This reminds me of a story my friend told about when they moved their son into residence. Someone in the residence called the residence advisor a few days into being there and the advisor was like “are you having trouble adjusting? Are you homesick?” and the kid said “No, I’m doing okay, but it’s a few days in and I really think it’s time for my roommate’s mother to stop sleeping on our floor”. !!!
OMG. Can you imagine?
I started reading this blog when you found out you were pregnant with Henry. (“I think I am in real trouble: I have four children–FOUR–and I still want another baby.”…. “An unexpected (but welcome) pregnancy is one of the craziest surprise treats ever. It’s like going out on errands, and when I come back there’s this huge gift-wrapped package on our front porch.”)
Two months ago, I got the surprise of a lifetime when I found out I was expecting my second! (A week before my husband’s scheduled vasectomy!) The next day, I went back and read your blog entries during your pregnancy. It reassured me and calmed me down, like an older sister talking me through this.
And now Henry is going to college!??
There’s no point to this message. I’m just shaking my head (and tearing up a little) thinking about how crazy life is. Wishing you all the best!! Thank you for sharing your life with us!!
Congratulations to you! One of the craziest surprise treats ever!
Henry is going to college.
I mean.
*landslide*
Okay, on to the next topic. Yes, people are all different. But also? There’s something great about the drop-and-go, and I think it’s really healthy for young people to just figure things out. I know some ladies who are still making breakfast and lunch for their children, who are my children’s age, and also doing their laundry, and…I feel like it’s a bit disconcerting.
It makes sense that Henry is going to college because Eli and Henry are the same age, and Eli is going to college, but how can Henry be going to college? Henry is just a little kid. Huh.
Not much to add except that, as a parent sending a kid off to college for the first time, I LOVE these posts and hope you keep writing many more on these themes. Also, it will be so interesting how it goes being a household of 3 all of a sudden – and I hope fodder for a few more posts.
This sounds like… a lot! For what it’s worth I remember feeling relieved when my parents left and I was gloriously alone in my tiny college room (no roommate, tiny bathroom, communal kitchen). Even though it was a tiny space putting all the things exactly where I liked them and where it made sense to me was fantastic! How is a William doing? Is he still job hunting (I think I remember reading it was him but maybe I got that mixed up)? Ido you think he will enjoy being an “only” (grown-up) child with you for a while? I only have one sibling so I can’t really fathom what it’s like to grow up in such a big household. I find it fascinating!
We are of the same mind! My parents dropped me off and hug, hug, get out! Haha. My roommates and their parents were all about the same. I was excited to loft my own bed and helped everyone else do the same. It was fun! And bonding! And one year, we accidentally broke off the light switches in the process! Fun memories. But I have to tell you about an incident because I’m still scratching my head over it. We had a roommate move out of our dorm room after the first semester and a new girl moved in for the second. We were four-girls-to-a-room, and the new girl would be on my side. I came back from Christmas break and found that the girl and her mother had decided to take my bed (she needed closer access to the bathroom, so okay) and though I had left her an equal number of dresser drawers–all convenient to each other, they decided they liked one of mine better and had moved my stuff out of my drawer and into another drawer. The drawers were not interchangeable, so they had to move each piece of clothing. Swistle, it was my underwear drawer. ???!!!
UNACCEPTABLE, ABSOLUTELY BEYOND THE PALE
I didn’t do the parent facebook group for my kid’s college but my peers were on their kids’ schools and omg a parent posted about access to condoms. AND LUBE! Does the parent know that facebook has their name? That poor child who apparently doesn’t know about drugstores? My friends and I had a solid laugh. I dropped my kid but do visit/send packages which my girlfriend finds funny as she had to find a ride to college with a friend’s parent and her suitcase! There really are all kinds.
My oldest flies halfway across the country tomorrow for his freshman year of college and I asked him if he wanted me to come with him to help get settled. He looked at me with mild alarm and said, “Well…if you WANT to.” It did make me a little sad that he is so independent when he was just three years old yesterday but I’ve been reminding myself that I did the exact same thing!
My oldest went to college in Scotland (we are in NYC). In the UK, THEY ARE ADULTS! You have zero involvement. No emails from the school. No bills, no grades. All up to the kid to send to you. In fact, they would SOMETIMES have events just for US parents and they’d tell the kids and suggest they forward the email. It was LOVELY.
My daughter then went to a school in Boston and I duly joined the FB group. I got hives immediately! SOOOOO glad Scotland trained me to trust my kid. Helicopter-y parents detract from the college experience.