Dear Swistle,
This is not a baby name question but it is a Life Advice that I think you in your Auntie Swistle shoes might have some ideas on (I’m only a little older than Rob), as well as your readers.
SO. Technically I am not getting divorced because I was not married. However, I was in a relationship for a decade, cohabitating for most of that, baby names were chosen, parenting techniques planned, I was proposed to, a wedding was planned and booked and announced…. and now, leaving out some details and personal specifics, safe to say, that wedding is cancelled. So while no marriage certificate was signed, this definitely does not feel like your average 20-something-year-old-break up. “Love of my life”, “future seems bleak now”, etcetera etcetera.
As far as I’m aware you haven’t written about guiding your kids through big breakups, but you got divorced in your twenties, right Swistle? And you’re very much a planner + list-maker like me. I know you were quite happy to get away from your ex-husband, while I am very very broken and wish things were different, but I assume you still had a certain level of “AAH MY PLANS, MY FUTURE, EVERYTHING IS RUINED”, right?
How did you cope with that? The loss of the image you had for your future, and the “falling behind” on the schedule you thought you were on, after suddenly being further away from having kids than you ever expected to be, suddenly being “back at square one”, namely: single?
If you (and Auntie Readers) have the time I would appreciate any level of concrete suggestions on how to cope, practically and emotionally (as well vaguer notions of telling me I’m gonna be okay).
Lots of love,
Heartbroken Reader
Oh dear, yes, this seems like a moment for the aunties to gather around. Imagine us starting by fussing you into a nest consisting of comfy recliner, throw blanket, cup of something hot, plate of something sweet. Then all of us settle into comfy chairs around you with our own cups and plates.
Yes, I got a divorce in my early twenties, and you’re absolutely right: even though I was GLAD to get out of the marriage in that case, it was still a gigantic ordeal with enormous life-rethinking/replanning aspects. The word “derailed” comes to mind. Like I’d popped out of reality and was now floating in the void. And then with SO MUCH TO DO and SO MUCH TO FIGURE OUT: paperwork! new place to live! packing! Telling People! dealing with other people’s reactions!
I don’t know if this is good advice OR if it will work for you and your temperament, but I did a lot of “waiting for it to be over.” Like, as much as possible, not thinking about it, not ruminating on it, not asking myself WHAT I was going to do NOW, not trying to make any plans beyond the immediate needs for housing and work and groceries—but instead resting my confidence in the idea that there WOULD be a time when this WOULD be in my past and I WOULD NOT feel so awful all the time, and there WOULD be a time when everyone else would adjust too. And so I would wait to be automatically transported to that time by time itself, rather than putting in huge amounts of effort to magic my way there.
In the meantime, I focused on the practical things that needed to happen: the paperwork, the bank accounts. I tried to make My Plans for the Future on a much, much smaller scale: what did I need to do today? this week? Let the longer-term deal with itself for awhile. I know for other people it might be totally different: they might find it most helpful to get out a notebook and start thinking big-picture about what they wanted in their new life so they could start steering a course. But I found that too overwhelming, too unknown. I needed to coast for awhile, tread water.
When I had a more personally devastating break-up (first love, high school, two years), where I felt as if I could die from the pain and might wish to, I remember it helped me to think about all the people I knew who had gone through something similar or worse (friends’ mothers and mother’s friends who had gone through betrayal and divorce, for example), and who were now, years later, able to talk about it casually, even with a little eye-roll, or even as something LUCKY AND GOOD that led to better things. It didn’t seem possible that that could happen in my case, but it did seem statistically possible that the suffering might someday fade to some degree.
While I waited to see if the suffering would ever end, I read horror/thriller novels: I found those were one of the few things that could distract me enough to give me a little peace from my cycling/painful thoughts. I also did weepy, angry, sweaty dance workouts to very loud music (Flashdance soundtrack, if you must know), to try to physically process all the stress and adrenaline.
Now, here, from a distance of decades, I keep the memory of that experience filed away to help me with future terrible feelings: because the terrible feelings DID pass, and in fact they passed so completely that at this point I feel RELIEF that the relationship ended. I feel like I was SPARED. I don’t know if that will happen in your case, where it’s an adult relationship and not a high school one, and a much longer relationship as well—but looking around at other people who have gone through the endings of lengthy adult relationships, my feeling is that there is SIGNIFICANT HOPE for it. I find it so unhelpful when people confidently assure me/others of things they can’t possibly know (“You’ll get through this!” “Everything will be okay!”), but I think it is statistically likely that you will emerge from this, and that you may have scars but you WILL be okay.
I am hoping others can tell anecdotes about heartbreaks that seemed at the time like they would never stop hurting but DID stop hurting; about lives that seemed like they were derailed but then got onto a different, maybe even better tracks; about break-ups that seemed terrible at the time but turned out for the best, or even just turned out for the new normal. But also, I am hoping others can share their own coping methods for getting through those times: different techniques work for different temperaments, and it would be nice to assemble a grab-bag of ideas. Some of us eat doughnuts, some of us learn to bake doughnuts from scratch, some of us work our way up to running a half-marathon; some of us create a vision board, some of us buy a new notebook, some of us read Stephen King novels; etc.
Sending hugs. I had a life changing heart rending break up in my twenties that I didn’t think I would ever rise above. Honestly, it took me a full decade, during which I married somebody else and had babies, to be able to say his name without crying. I dreamed about him consistently, even though I was actually pretty happy with the life I had made out of the mess. I don’t think I will ever be completely ‘over’ him, he is a part of me in a way only someone you do all your growing up with is. I do see, 30 years later, that it was probably for the best, because I was more in love with him than he was with me. I can smile now, when somebody brings him up. Anyway, my advice would be to listen to Taylor Swift “Happiness” and believe it. You will be happy again, even if it’s not the way you pictured it.
I had an early twenties breakup with just crushed me- I remember wishing he had died (not because I wanted him dead per se, but so that other people would comprehend the depth of pain I felt). I think there is something about those early life loves that does connect differently, the way music from your teens/ twenties has an emotional resonance that other decades don’t.
I don’t have any great advice except to say that statistically you are likely to find your way to the place in life you hope to be, and that- as the wise commenter above put it- being with someone who loves you less than you love them is the most exquisite torture, like dying of thirst with cups of water everywhere you can’t drink, and eventually I was able to see that bring in that type of relationship is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy .
Good luck and hugs-
I’m an ennegram 4 and a person who only makes a to do list as a way to declutter my brain and not as a plan of action… so what I say might not fit. But it’s what I know, and it’s been 22 years since my Broken Heart.
I have the same advice as above Auntie…
Listen to that Taylor song.
(And a Spotify playlist called Permission to Be Sad: Hack Your Crying)
Do depressing things like look at grey skies and barren fields, icy branches. Stay in bed.
Expect holidays – even not cozy holidays, but ones like Halloween- to feel hard.
It’s not unlike a miscarriage or death… people won’t know how to react to your grief.
But also look for the change of the seasons… spring really felt hopeful for me. Listen for bird chirps and search our greening landscapes. Wash your sheets and remember wallowing in them but make your bed instead.
Expect social media to remind you everyone else is happy and celebrating and reproducing and having sexy vacations, so deactivate as long as possible.
I had and have dreams about my person and I don’t like it.
I DO like the feeling of ME in the dreams and it’s the feeling of youthful naïveté.
He also isn’t as attractive to me in personality, interests, traits, looks… and that is gross to say my husband is a way better 42 year old than him, but it’s true. He loves his family and we have that in common… but he’s the same as he was 2 decades ago and I’m really different. Our breakup didn’t change him like it did me… I’m rebuilt/redesigned and he’s just modernized/updated version.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m one of the middle aged moms that was cheated on after 25 years of marriage. And it was a pretty good marriage, but I’m not nearly as sad about it as I was about breaking up with my toxic high school boyfriend. I think break ups hit different at different times in life. Maybe because I know myself better and I know the course of my life better, now, it’s just easier.
Also, Zoloft. That’s helped, too !
First, I’m so sorry, and it absolutely will not feel this bad forever.
My husband died from cancer when we were 26. We started dating when we were 18, and he was diagnosed two weeks later. It came back 3x after that, so we lived in a large suite in his parents’ home, and I was really close to them. The very best advice I got was not to make any big decisions for a year. They would have let me stay there as long as I wished to, so I just stayed for a while. I know you maybe will have a change in living situation you will have to make but don’t feel like you have to change EVERYTHING all at once.
Second, you will not feel this badly forever. It feels like a deep pit you’re in, and you will get out in fits and starts, but you will get out. One of the gifts this experience gave me was that when I had some distance to reflect, it crystallized for me what I did want in a partner, and what I absolutely did NOT want. When I look back, there are some things about my first husband that make me think that had he survived, our marriage surely would not have, but I’m not sure I would have been brave enough to take those steps to be on my own if I hadn’t been forced out of the relationship, so to speak.
Knowing those things that I wanted and did not want helped me when I started dating again, and I knew on my first date with my current husband that we would get married. I moved in after 2 months, engaged at 4 months, and married 7 months after meeting him online. The reflection on my first marriage enabled me to weed out bullshit helped me know in my gut he was the right one, but also that if I didn’t find the right one right away that I was ok on my own. We have been married almost 20 years now.
Again, im sorry. This definitely sucks. I hope that you also are able to find some unexpected gifts that come from this heartache. Be gentle with yourself as you grieve the future thought you had.
So I was cruelly dumped in my late 20s by a guy who realised he just… didn’t really love me that much, after 7 years together and just as my friends were all starting to get married.
It was… yes, horrendous. I dealt with it by accepting a job on another continent and trying to hunt down a new life. Not sure I’d really recommend that! But what I would recommend is leaning into your safe people, the ones who you really love and really trust, and also into hobbies or fitness or whatever might fill some of those sad ‘what now’ moments or fists r you a bit?
Otherwise? Time. It just takes time. I met my now husband 3 years after I split up from my ex, and now I can see looking back more objectively just how badly suited we were for each other. I still have nostalgia for our shared history, that’s the weirdest part because I shared so many formative moments with him. But I’m so much happier now! And I think most people genuinely do feel that way – there is more happiness ahead.
Lost my texting ability there ;)
I think it was meant to say ‘distract you a bit!’
One thing: Being single as a „fully grown adult“ will show you just how much you can do. You will ask for help, many people will step up. Some won‘t, but others will positively surprise you. You will learn so many new things. You will have the opportunity to really decide for yourself what is important to you, what isn’t, what interests you etc. This type of personal growth is a gift. A gift that some people who say marry their high school sweetheart never get (I said some, not all, but you probably know a couple or two where one person has never say changed a light bulb or never made any detailed holiday plans, you know what I mean). I agree with Swistle that the probability is very high that you will look back one day and just feel grateful for the path you have walked. It sucks. It really does. It’s okay to feel all the pain, eat all the ice cream and delete all social media apps for a while. But it will get better. You will grow, there will be so much joy for you in the future. And eventually there is a high probability that you will love another person just as much or even more than you did in your past relationship. I wish you all the best.
I know your heart is broken and you are in pain and I am so sorry for that.
My only advice is to take time. Time to grieve, time to plan, time to learn to live with yourself. Please don’t rush into anything or to anyone. Just take it day by day, being kind to yourself. And one day, you will look up and realize that you survived this heartbreak and you will move on in your life. Sending so many hugs.
I am so sorry.
I know not everyone wants to see a counsellor and finding the right fit can feel overwhelming, but this is a grief – a massive loss – and you are in real mourning and some short sessions in therapy just to have a professional validate the difficulty and enormity of this life change could be helpful. Do it as a gift to you. A good one will help you see this relationship, your self, and your future with a fresh eyes.
You may have the most compassionate listeners in your life who are helping you process this (if so that is great!) but sometimes an objective and warm outside professional can be worth their weight in gold.
I’m sorry. Your pain matters. You aren’t alone.
In my experience two things are true. First, when you are in the ravine of suck, the only way out is through. And second, you will learn to live alongside your losses, and in the long run the pain of those losses fades, while the love you took from them stays.
Which is maybe a more complicated way to say “time heals”, but it mattered to me: time doesn’t undo the sorrow, but it changes the balance—the joys stay weighty, and the pain lightens.
My six year old recently asked if I wished for the baby we lost to have lived. And I told her no. I said I am grateful for my life exactly as it is. I loved that baby and always will. But it would be biologically impossible to have both that baby and the child who asked me that question. I carry our first baby in my heart, and she is a happy memory. I’m not sorry. Her death—and my pain—is a part of the story. It is not the complete story, even though for a while it felt like that pain was the beginning and end of everything. The love that baby brought me has only deepened. And the pain has softened into compassion.
It will get better. Just not yet.
I think my new favorite motto is, “when you are in the ravine of suck, the only way out is through”. That is absolutely beautiful and true. Thank you for that.
Oh my dear…I think this is grief. You are grieving the loss of the life you expected, the love you believed in, the person who is gone (regardless of where they went). I don’t know much about break ups, but I do know grief. My number one advice is to take care of your body. Drink water. Fill a large bottle of water in the morning and make sure it’s gone by night. Eat real food. It can be half a banana at a time, many times a day, but give your body some fuel. Move. I asked a loved one to walk with me around the block. It doesn’t have to be much, just move your body a little. Are you breathing? Truly breathing full breaths? I didn’t. Conscious breath work, even just a simple in through the nose, out through the mouth, can help. And, finally, get outside. You don’t have to go far. I sat on the back steps and watched the trees. Though, if you can go to the beach or the river, I do find there’s truth in the cliches about the healing nature of water.
And, finally, grief really does ebb. My goal was to stay in one piece, physically, while I waited that out. Professionals can help, if you’re scared it won’t and/or need someone to ride the wave with you.
Hugs to you. We are all hanging on to you in spirit.
I had a breakup in my mid-twenties that felt like a death. It wasn’t even a particularly long relationship, but after years of waiting for “the One,” I genuinely thought I had found him. So when he ended things very unexpectedly (due to untreated mental health issues), it wasn’t just the heartbreak of losing the person, but also of losing the life I had wanted (marriage, family) for most of my life. That I had, in fact, been waiting around for to an extent that kept me from figuring out who I was and would be if I never did find that person or get married or have kids.
Everyone else’s advice here about how to handle the grief is really good. Don’t be surprised if you experience things you’ve never felt before, and well after other people think you should be done grieving. I had to leave work early one afternoon because I couldn’t stop crying. Another time, I started melting down and experienced literal hysterics (could not stop simultaneously crying and laughing). Some weekends I couldn’t get out of bed or sat on the couch watching TV all day, and others I made myself walk or jog or go someplace in the fresh air. I listened to lots and lots and lots of music about breakups and lost loves.
And once the most acute pain had subsided, despite continuing to feel depressed, I started forcing myself to figure out who I was if I wasn’t going to be a wife and mother anytime soon. I cut off my hair. Started traveling by myself (I’d always thought I needed a Person to travel with me). Tried new hobbies. Embarked on an ill-advised rebound relationship that also ended badly and left me bruised, but was ultimately clarifying and gave me the final boost of anger I needed to finally embrace being single. And one day, very clearly and distinctly, I realized that I was no longer depressed due to the grief of my breakup(s).
A couple months after that, I happened to meet the man who would become my husband. We’ve now been married 15 years and have two fantastic kids, though it took time for our relationship to develop. And it’s so much more mature a relationship than anything I’d had before because I really did understand much more about the person that *I* was. And because I knew when we met and continue to know, despite him being my best friend, that I could live without him if I had to.
It’s important to take the time to grieve and feel all the things now, but I will embrace the cliche and tell you that it is so, so, sooo likely that you will come out of this a stronger, wiser version of yourself. You will never be happy that it happened, but you may come to realize down the road that you have a life that wouldn’t have been possible without this breakup.
With that said — it is okay if the sadness, and even your love for your ex, never completely leaves you. While I adore my current spouse and our life together, and understand intellectually that my breakup had to happen for me to be where I am, a part of me will always hold a place in my heart for that other love. I live in the same basic area I did then and walk almost daily in a park where we had a date once, so he pops into my mind regularly (though certainly not every day). Sometimes I feel sadness, sometimes anger, sometimes I think fondly of him, but I’m not indifferent. And I’ve come to realize that this is okay. In a different timeline, we may have stayed together, and while I don’t believe I ever would have been as happy with him as I am with my current husband, there’s a whole other life left unlived that I wonder about and even occasionally grieve over and probably always will.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I remember that pain very well. I remember I had a hair-trigger sobbing state. BUT, as others have said, it will get easier with time. It’s getting through that time that’s hard. Just take each day at a time.
I don’t know if this is part of your personality, but after being sad I had to get a little angry to help myself through it. And I listened to those wonderful female empowerment/rage songs a LOT and REAL loud and screamed along. Think Alanis Morissette, Fiona Apple, etc. I also made new routines only of things I liked or needed. I re-watched ALL of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series in the dark and then when I needed to emerge into real life again I’d go running. I did these every day just to get through each day.
You could also start to think of life not in terms of things that are missing or timelines gone awry, but in terms of all the possibilities now. It might be too early for this, but you really will find new things that make you happy and you’ll forge new paths again.
Sending SO many BIG hugs. So many. I wish we could take away some of the heartache. I’m happy you reached out to Swistle and at least you have lots of comforting Aunties by your side. You’re not alone!
Hugs hugs hugs
I am in my late twenties, and went through an awful break-up last year (we were engaged). I definitely emphasise with the feeling of mourning the future my ex and I had created, and the feeling that I had to create a whole new life.
A lot of this will apply after the deep sadness/grief has subsided but I got great practical advice from a therapist that would I love to sew and make/look at art, and she encouraged me to seek these things out daily. Looking at beautiful things and making beautiful things makes the future seem less scary. It’s also great to be absorbed in a project. So if you have a hobby/projects I would recommend you do those often.
Do activities that build your emotional resilience and make you feel grounded. For me that was running and skiing, but you might have something else spring to mind. Skiiing and running made me feel confident and capable, so do something that will make you feel this way! I like these sports because the learning curb (for me) was steep, which meant I was rewarded often. This is good for your brain! This really helped me feel like I would be able to tackle the future, and get to know my single self better.
Time will help too, which is quite a beautiful thing.
I am 45 with kids and recently divorced after 15 years of marriage. I initiated it and am largely glad for the change. Still, it was and is a major upheaval and I had to grieve my past life- the promise I had on my wedding day and the fairy tale life of happily ever after. I had to grieve the idea of it. And feel sad for not living up to that ideal. It is strange to be uncoupled in a society that greatly values marriage. Even though I did what is best for me, it’s still hard. I leaned heavily on friends and my sister. I journaled so much. I belong to a support group for something else and that really helped and raised me up. I bought myself treats of Fosters Freeze dipped cones. I try to live “one day at a time” which is sometimes “one hour at a time” and on tough days “one minute at a time”. I read a bunch of divorce memoirs. I read a bunch of books period. I did adult coloring books. I walked and walked and walked. I meditated every day. I still do all of these things because little by slow, they have given me a joyful life.
None of this is easy but I think the most joyful and loving people have been cracked open by pain. In the end, it’s a gift.
I think the other responses probably cover most of the bases, but I just wanted to add…I started reading Swistle when I was probably about your age, and I remember how nice it was to find someone who was unapologetically a planner when people are so condescending to young women and their plans. And so, if part of your grief is that all of the people who said you were too young to have plans turned out to be right…let me be the one to say that they were not actually right and your plan-making personality is still a wonderful thing. And you will continue to make plans and update plans and revise plans, and no one can take that away from you.
I am so sorry for your loss.
There is excellent advice and thoughtful responses above. I went through something similar in my late 20s. When I finally went to a therapist, she said, “This is like a death.” That framing really helped me – the grief was intense as I mourned the relationship and my hopes and plans, plus I missed my best friend. Sometimes the “five stages of grief” make people think that grief is linear, but it is not. C.S. Lewis described grief like a spiral, and that was my experience.
It’s hard to process grief alone, which was a hard realization for an intensely private person like me. Grief can also make it harder to find support. Is there someone in your life who can help you if you want to find a therapist? Who could navigate the insurance, or look at Psychology Today and make some phone calls on your behalf? Or find a grief group? When I most needed help, I was also at my lowest and these tasks felt insurmountable.
This next part comes after you are through the raw, initial stages of grief. First try the things everyone suggested – music, exercise, therapy, art, hobbies, all the wonderful things that help get through the first hard days. I’m also a planner and list-maker. My breakup forced me to grapple with my tendency to make plans that rely on someone else. I had to change the nature of my plans. “Get married by age X and have kids by age Y” is not something I can do alone. In my case, this kind of plan made me invest too much in my ex, even when I saw that we weren’t as compatible as I initially thought. But a plan like, “find a therapist to help process this grief” is something I can do. A plan like, “find an activity I enjoy that lets me meet people” or, “when I have healed a bit, try eharmony to practice dating” is something I can control. If you wanted to travel, what would it mean to go on your own? Same for buying a home, or a career move.
So few of my plans turned out the way I expected. Sometimes that has been a real blessing – I am so glad that I wasn’t limited by my imagination at 18. Some deviations from the plan have brought grief, like miscarriage and infertility (I also understand how age intersects with wanting kids – that is a much longer conversation). But I don’t know anyone whose life has unfolded exactly as they expected or planned.
Take good care and sending so many good wishes your way.
I am so sorry for everything you are going through. The only quote that ever made me feel better in that type of situation was this (not really the first part but the second part): “Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.” For me, this has been true, though it was not an easy or fast road to get here. But now, looking back, I am so grateful that I did not stay in relationships that were not right for me, even if I didn’t know that for sure at the time. Take all the time that you need to grieve. I hope that when the grief starts to fade, you can start to believe that there is a beautiful life ahead of you. I wish you all the best.
May I recommend the book Heartsick by Jessie Stephens? (https://www.panmacmillan.com.au/9781760981549/)
Written just for such situations and well reviewed, it’s kind of similar to “Three women” by Lisa Taddeo in that it’s non-fiction that is written like it’s fiction.
US publisher here: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250838353/heartsick
I definitely want to bring Heartbroken some creature comforts and sympathy. Heartbreak is terrible.
I think people have offered a lot of sound life advice, so I will keep out of that. In the little practical things realm, Swistle’s mention of the misery of telling people really resonated with me, and over the years, I have gotten a lot of mileage out of the phrase “I know you’re not one to gossip, but I’m really dreading telling people that X, so if you could spread the word and tell other people to spread the word, I’d really appreciate it.” This works particularly well for people who do love to gossip.
Also, Cynthia Heimel, always a font a sound life advice, says that cozy mysteries are the ideal thing to read when your heart has been broken because they combine scones and violence in appropriate proportions.
Now go take a walk, and I’ll have some scones ready when you get back. Also some extra-soft tissues.
Just chiming in to say that I got divorced in my mid-twenties to a man that I am so thrilled to be away from every single day. So that may be different from you. But I remember at the time being so embarrassed, feeling like there was a spotlight on me at all times like a scarlet D and knowing that I was a different person after this ordeal.
As for how I got through it… I left everyone from that life behind. I was lucky enough to be able to move out, I got new roommates (who I am still close to, almost 20 years later), I barely slept, I worked out incessantly, I only kept my job because my then boss was hoping to sleep with me (which is a whole different story), I went out every night and danced and partied. And I went back to school. And I traveled. And I dated a ton.
I did not take it easy on myself. I did not take care of myself. I did not worry about the future. I literally followed my every whim, and some of it was nasty. But it was necessary because I had been so so so GOOD my whole life til then.
So if you aren’t the type to snuggle up in a comforter and grieve with a cup of tea (which sounds amazing), just know that you aren’t alone and you have so so much time to get through it.
I love this comment. It is pretty much the opposite of what I suggested in my comment, which is proof that you have to do what works for you!
The pain of a breakup like that is the worst, I am so sorry!
And it is all cold comfort when one feels so very rotten.. but life is long, and the lonely feeling of being in a relationship with someone who isn’t all-in is so very terrible, and builds over time.
You deserve all the love and happiness! Which you will find with someone lucky enough to have you.
Maybe in the short term you might find comfort in planning your perfect new place to live, all set up exactly how you want, no compromises – just cozy and excellent. A quiet place for a fresh, if wobbly, renewal.
Sending love! I promise PROMISE (like 100% no doubt in my mind – look how much you’ve managed to do already!) it will get better, and be better.
Hello,
So much good advice here, wish I had seen it when I went through a big break up in my 30s.
My contribution is to check in with yourself and lean into whatever fight/flight/freeze response your body is feeling. Your body has a physical response to pain (even emotional pain) with lots of hormones that trigger different reactions. You may move through all three responses.
If you’re feeling in “fight” mode – get physical, try boxing! Or write a long piece to describe all your anger and rage!! If you’re feeling in “flight” mode, go running or walking or do something at speed – your body is wanting to get away, so let it. If you’re in “freeze” mode, embrace the hibernation season and hunker down.
Wishing you all the very best x
I was in my early 30s when I was sure my life was ending after I learned my partner/ husband/soulmate of 12 years had lied and cheated and really didn’t love me as I thought. The depression’ at first was crushing and I did as you are now and sought advice from others who had gone through loss and emotional hell. I recall telling a co-worker, who had heard the news and asked how I was doing, that I felt like I’d never be happy again. This was a woman who had lost her only child to suicide. I figured she could give me hope. She was sympathetic and listened and I realize, now that I’m a mother, it was unfair to equate my loss with hers. But she did assure me that I’d feel better over time and that helped because I knew she had suffered far worse. So, I joined a gym for the first time in my life and worked out a lot … and found friends there. I also got a therapist who convinced me that my life hadn’t actually gone completely off the rails and out of my control but that I was now absolutely in control of my destiny. I met my second husband 4 years after that painful split. We married, had children right away and just celebrated our 24th anniversary. I saw how unsuitable a partner my first husband was; it was a gift that i got free of him. You will have happy times ahead – best of luck to you.
All the advice above is good. I’m just popping in as an additional point to say it does get better. 5 years ago my husband left me (10+ years together, two kids, etc) and it was very much not what I wanted. The heartbreak took about a year to turn into anger and the anger took another year to turn into peace. A lot of my coping skills are parenting specific so I won’t waste your time with those, but a good therapist, a lot of gym time, and intentional time with friends were important to me. Holidays were hard for a few years and sometimes they’re still occasionally hard, but in general I have gotten to be a different and better version of myself than i would have been if I had stayed with him. This version is more balanced and more true and it’s a gift even though it’s not a gift I wanted and it’s not what I thought my life would look like. And 100% this is grief. You’re grieving what you thought your life would look like and who you thought this person was. So treating it like a death is really effective. Grief doesn’t just go away. You figure out ways to move your life around it and it ebbs and flows and sometimes it surprises you with its intensity, but in general it decreases over time.
I too am so sorry for your pain. Sending so many good vibes for healing.
I also just wanted to give you a heads-up about prior loss/trauma. I had a difficult period when I turned 35: my mother died after a 13-year cancer journey and I realized I needed to break up with my boyfriend of 6 years with no prospect of a marriage or children on the near horizon, both of which I really wanted. What happened next I did not expect: some earlier childhood trauma quietly broke open the lock I had subconsciously put on that door, and suddenly I was visited with more than made logical sense to me – odd preoccupations with childhood memories, for example. I would really have benefited from therapy at that time but I was confused and not sure what was happening. A miscarriage some years later was the eventual catalyst for going to therapy, and that journey brought me significant healing that I might never have come to were it not for these losses. Like others above, I feel like I’ve been able to arrive at a more balanced, healthy, joyful and full version of myself because of the need for healing that these losses created.
All this to say just be on the lookout for the need/opportunity to acknowledge, mourn, and heal previous losses in your life if you find them arising. So glad you thought of writing to Swistle and all these wonderful aunties! May there be many blessings that come from this next chapter in your life.