[Oh, dear, may I apologize in advance for what has turned into a long venty stress post? Please don’t feel as if you need to read it: I don’t think there is any NEWS in here.] [Oh, except at the end I mention some ice cream bars and books to try, so you might want to skim down to there.]
Right now I am doing a lot of laundry and feeling stymied and overwhelmed about William, who is 21 years old and in his fourth year of college and is still doing things such as missing housing deadlines—and this is AFTER he missed a housing deadline LAST year that meant he had to find temporary non-college housing in a big city, which was extremely stressful and expensive, so I would have thought that would really teach him not to do it again, but apparently not; and also he once again failed to waive the totally unnecessary/overpriced university health insurance (it’s okay, he was able to fix that after I HIT THE CEILING), which I didn’t know because he ALSO failed to approve parental access to his student account; so now I am projecting into the future when he will NEVER learn and will NEVER pay ANY of his bills on time or meet ANY of his work deadlines and so forth.
The reason I’m doing a lot of laundry is that William had gradually acquired nearly the entire household supply of dishcloths and cloth napkins in his room. We toss dirty ones into the empty washing machine as we go, so they just end up in whatever load of clothes go through next, so he kept ending up with a small batch of them in his laundry; and even with a fair amount of nagging he just WOULD NOT bring the clean ones out of his room, let alone do what I would consider the VERY REASONABLE TASK of folding them and putting them away. Instead he just kept tossing them back into his laundry basket, and then acquiring more the next time he did a load of laundry, and so on until we got to where we are now, with almost no dishcloths or cloth napkins. At some point, Reality As It Should Be (he should absolutely be doing this bare-minimum and reasonable thing, it is unfathomable that he is not doing it) had to yield to Reality As It Is (he is NOT DOING IT—and no matter what the REASON for his not-doing-it, my quality of life is being affected), so finally I went into his room and just collected all of them, along with what turned out to be EIGHT bath towels, and I am putting them all through the wash because they were mixed with his dirty laundry. It feels right at this moment like such a discouraging and disheartening waste of time and effort to raise children.
Meanwhile, I ordered some more of the SAME t-shirts I have bought MANY of in the past—and these three, in three different colors so it seems unlikely to be some sort of fluke defect, are MUCH too big for me. And I have had THREE back-and-forths now with the seller, and we seem no closer to resolution. Their position, which is fair enough, is that the shirts are labeled the same as my previous shirts are labeled, and they don’t believe anything about the sizing has changed; but that they’d be happy to exchange the ones I bought for another batch of the same size or for a smaller size or whatever I want. My position is that I don’t want them to spend time and money sending me another batch of too-big shirts if something about the sizing has in fact changed, but that I also can’t exchange them for a smaller size in case THESE FEW shirts are just mislabeled and the smaller size would be (1) correctly labeled and (2) therefore too small. I am feeling some despair because I wanted to order LOTS MORE of these shirts in coming years, but now I won’t know what size to order.
Meanwhile, the twins’ college search. Really, that is probably the main thing. And I am underpaid at work but seem unable to do anything about it; and there has been a shelving change at work that has decreased my daily work satisfaction. And William is doing a co-op/internship this semester, and sometimes he can drive in to work with Paul, but sometimes they each need a car, and then I have no car; and really with FIVE drivers we could use a third car, but this is still apparently a terrible time to buy a car. And I have been having to fight what appears to be the natural impulse of everyone involved to just assume they can take my car—and then having to deal with them acting like I am being unreasonable because I won’t change “my” plans (“mine” as in “taking three kids to the dentist”) so that they don’t have to deal with the mild inconvenience of needing to slightly adjust their own schedules in order to share a car. It is so boggling to me that I need to work/fight for this, and that it does not seem to be sinking in that MY PLANS DO NOT COME LAST TO EVERYONE ELSE’S PLANS. Really, it must be absolutely incredible to be socialized male in this society—like having constant low level of cocaine or something.
And the new Covid booster! I can’t figure it out! I tried to make an appointment online, but it still seemed to be offering me a choice of Pfizer or Moderna; IS the new booster available in either? My impression was that it was just The New Booster. Elizabeth works part-time in a drugstore and made me feel better by saying that many many customers seem similarly confused—but because she works in the front store rather than in the pharmacy, she wasn’t actually able to give me any information. Maybe she will find out more at work today. I found this NPR article that seemed to be saying both Pfizer and Moderna were updated. In which case I have to make a DECISION about which to get, and I have felt so ILL-EQUIPPED to be making such decisions as a non-medically-trained civilian, if only there were some sort of national advisory center specializing in the control of etc.
Okay, I will say TWO GOOD THINGS to try to balance this a little.
ONE: Have you tried the Biscoff ice cream bars?? I bought a box on a whim and I ate two of them that day and have been daydreaming about them ever since. The chocolate coating is so THICK AND DELICIOUS AND FULL OF COOKIE-CRUMBLES, it’s almost TOO much coating for the amount of ice cream. I guess they have pints of Biscoff ice cream, too, which I am going to have to look for.
TWO: I have been re-reading some of the OLD Elizabeth Berg books, from before she started writing books on topics such as Romantic WWII Nostalgia Worship, Unintentionally Demonstrating Everything That Is Wrong with Diet Culture, and Weird Biblical(??) Stuff. I read Durable Goods and Talk Before Sleep, and they were both just as good as I remembered them. Durable Goods is not my usual type of book: it’s a coming-of-age novel, which I have had just about enough of, and it almost reads like Junie B. Jones For Grown-ups; also, it involves the death of a mother and abuse by a military father. I mean, if I read the flap, I would NEVER try it. But I have read it several times and I love it. And Talk Before Sleep looks from the flap like it’s going to be such a downer, because it’s about a woman dying of cancer and it’s told from the point of view of her best friend; but I find it such a lovely, lovely story of female friendship, with a side order of marriage stuff, and the characters are so good and make me want to be friends with all of them, and of course it IS sad but I feel it leads you to it in a bearable way, and in a way that makes it seem natural, WHICH IT IS, and also so unnatural, WHICH IT ALSO IS. Both books have these moments where I stop, stunned, and need to think about something I just read.
I can help with the booster! All boosters available now from Pfizer and Moderna are the new booster – the EUA for the “old” booster was revoked when they granted the EUA for the “new” booster.
OH, this is VERY GOOD TO KNOW, that I can’t do the wrong one ACCIDENTALLY!!
“Really, it must be absolutely incredible to be socialized male in this society—like having constant low level of cocaine or something.”
I don’t remember the last time I read something so funny, and I basically read for a living. Dying. Dead.
Ahem but also, rage, rage at all of this. The effing nerve.
*PLEASED*
Agree.
I feel the same. I am taking care of an elderly parent – I have 3 brothers.. The privilege of being a man confounds me.
Thinking of you
Same. I’ve said it over to myself several times and laughed each time. It’s so perfect.
Same here— I read it aloud to my husband. And I added a quotation from Gloria Steinem that I read yesterday, by chance, to the effect that patriarchy is a prison for both men and women— but the men’s prison has wall-to-wall carpet and someone to bring them coffee.
Yes! This line made me laugh out loud. It’s also so damn true, those lucky b*stards.
There is a bi-valent booster available from both pfizer and moderna. As with the previous ones, the Moderna is a slightly larger volume of vaccine.
I was surprised to have a choice when I got mine this week. I went with Moderna, mainly because my 1st 2 shots were pfizer and my 1st booster was moderna, so now I’ve had 2 of each, and that has a nice symmetry to it.
I want that symmetry TOO! And we are twins: I had two shots of Pfizer and a 1st booster of Moderna. So now I want the Moderna booster too! (Plus I want the Larger Volume of vaccine.)
I had had 3 Pfizer shot so for my 4th I switched it up to Moderna, figured hey why not. I am pleased to report only a mildly sore arm as a side effect!
Sometimes I suspect certain offspring will only do for themselves if they are living outside the family home. Perhaps William is this type of offspring!! I look forward to you unloading him to become Not Your Problem!
My impression is that mixing is better. I’ve had nothing but Pfizer but if I get the option I’ll be doing the Moderna booster this time. Unfortunately in Canada we only have the bivalent B1 version right now and it’s for those 18+. If I can swing it I’ll be taking my kids to the States for the B4/5 version that their ages can get there.
That’s a lot to be discouraged about. I’m sorry!
I’ve been confused about the new booster too. Like should I stick with the same company or switch it up? I’ve had 3 Moderna ones and have been happy with them. My friend is convinced you should mix them. I’m not as convinced. I also had covid round 2 in late august and I think the advice is to wait 3 months. But my covid was beyond mild. So does that change things?
Also I had a tooth infection at the same time. And while the tooth is mostly better I’m still getting random face/ear pain. That’s weird, right? And I don’t know where to go for it. The dentist wasn’t super impressed with my tooth pain.
I will tell you MY IMPRESSIONS, which are that (1) it is best to Mix Them, and (2) Moderna is Best. So as someone who got Pfizer for the first two, I definitely wanted Moderna for my booster! But…if I’d gotten Moderna for the first two or three, I would not be sure what to do! Maybe ONE Pfizer, just to mix A LITTLE?? I do think I might wait AWHILE after having Covid, even if it were mild, but I don’t know HOW LONG. I might split it and wait, say, two months!
I AM HAVING TOOTH ISSUES TOO. WE ARE TOOTH TWINS. AND MY DENTIST WAS DISMISSIVE TOO.
I got the Pfizer booster last week, after only having moderna up until this point. They had run out of moderna when I arrived for my appointment, so Pfizer it was! The pharmacist said it didn’t matter which you receive. Also, biscoff? like the airplane cookies? I’ve always felt pretty neutral about those, and usually decline them on short flights, but you make the ice cream version sound delightful!
*Not a doctor or a dentist* I had a recurring earache with face/jaw/tooth pain, which turned out to be TMD- I clench my jaw/grind my teeth. Because stress. Fun! But just KNOWING that that was the cause, and that I should make an effort to relax my jaw, helped a lot with the pain.
Good to know! And who knows that might be it. Heck today, my neck is pretty sore so maybe I’m just out of balance all over. ;)
It’s so weird b/c it hit the same day as I tested positive for COVID. So I thought maybe it was sinus issues or an ear infection. And at times it acted like that. But then it switched primarily to a tooth (and ironically it was the only tooth that I’ve had a root canal on, so it should be dead, right?). I spent 5 days on more Advil than is advisable and then went to the dentist who was like “I don’t see anything here, but I’ll give you some antibiotics that will take care of it. Otherwise, we’ll have to pull the tooth.” I think he thought that would scare me, but honestly at that point, I don’t care as long as the pain stops. The antibiotics took a lot longer to work than the internet told me, but finally the terrible pain stopped. But I’m still not completely right. I’m out of town for work the next two weeks, so hopefully things stay the way they are.
I am sorry that you are so under appreciated at home. That is so very frustrating.
There are new bivalent boosters, made by both companies. The Moderna vaccine has a slightly higher dose of antigen than the Pfizer, so I am going with that. It will even out my shots, as I have had 2 Pfizer and 1 Moderna so far.
This pleases me, too, in the same way: I want More Antigens, and also I had two Pfizer and one Moderna!
My life mirrors yours in the aspect of towels .. 8-10 per week from son’s room, always found on the floor, when I repeatedly advise him to use 1-2 towels per week and please hang them up!
Also, the car situation. That is me too. So many drivers, only 2 cars. I’m last priority. I keep begging for a third car.
The next car we buy, I’m putting it in my name and keeping all the keys myself.
I recommend also BIG obnoxious key chains that don’t fit in Jean pockets. My husband has reduced use of my car when I put a giant pink tassel on one key and rainbow macramé on the other.
Genius.
NEW BOOSTER INFO: It is available in both Pfizer (for 12+) and Moderna (for 18+), and the ONLY booster available now is the new one, unless you are a person who has not completed their primary vaccination series (and those are kind of rare at this point, so you would have to book them specially). So if you book a booster appointment at a pharmacy, it will be the new booster. They are both good, get whichever one you like/can acquire. I got mine last week and it was very straightforward.
Oh PERFECT, this is particularly helpful since we have under-18s in this house! As well as knowing we CAN’T even get the old one by accident!!
FWIW, I am a college professor. SO many students miss important deadlines. So many professors, too …. William isn’t alone in this. Hopefully this gives you a sense of camaraderie instead of making you despair about society. :)
I DO feel the camaraderie!! I like to think my child isn’t The Only One!
My husband teaches college too and he says the under 25’s are the biggest offenders. There’s something to be said for the brain not being totally cooked until 25 or so.
Ooh we do the same thing with our dish and bathroom hand towels! But I fold all the laundry in the entire house so…I just fold them and put them away.
I also have a child who is oblivious to deadlines and I worry EXCESSIVELY about his ability to like, pay bills someday. He is only 10 but I already just KNOW. Just today he forgot to bring his homework folder home when this is the very first time he has homework this year. How??
Eight bath towels. EIGHT!
MEREDITH I’D THOUGHT I NEEDED TO BUY NEW BATH TOWELS BECAUSE WE DIDN’T SEEM TO HAVE ANY
My kids use 1-2 towels a week and have mostly been trained to hang them up again in the bathroom. But when their cousins visit each one has been trained to use separate towels for their hair and bodies and facecloths as well. It’s a family of 5 so I have a giant load of towels to do after they leave, each and every time. I mean sure, at home you do you, but it seems like a lot to expect your host to wash 10 towels and 5 facecloths after a visit that lasted one night.
Ugh. Despite not knowing your children, I think of William as the pleasant, functional human and Rob as the prickly alien, and yet Rob breezed off into the ozone and William …. sheeeeet.
Patriarchy really is a helluva drug.
Recommendations: The Lincoln Highway by Amor Towles (I am trying not to read straight white man lit, if only to annoy Joyce Carol Oates) and Trader Joe’s candied orange slices, which are not at all the sort of thing I would expect to like, and yet I do
That first paragraph made me LAUGH—because YES I KNOW ME TOO!!!!
I did like A Gentleman in Moscow, so perhaps I will try The Lincoln Highway. And I am raising my eyebrows at candied orange slices, but also I am intrigued.
I read this early this morning and thought you were recommending a line of towels called Lincoln Highway by a brand called Armor Towels.
I saw someone in a different part of the country post on Twitter about getting the new bivalent Covid booster last week. So I checked my pharmacy’s website and was able to make an appointment to get the Moderna version on Wed. The night before I got a message from the pharmacy and called them back – they didn’t have Moderna, would I accept the Pfizer? I would. Then six hours before my appointment I got an email from the pharmacy that my appointment was cancelled. No reason given! I assume they didn’t get the supply at that branch.
I went back online today, starting from vaccines.gov this time and found the branch that says they have the vax and was able to make an appt for tonight. Cross your fingers for me.
Be persistent!
This is heartening, especially in the face of other discouragements: we may be thwarted at first, but WE SHALL PERSEVERE!!
I know people say you will miss them when they are gone but, you won’t. I mean you will miss some things but not the towels, etc. At least I don’t. I like to spend time with my kids now but am glad they no longer live with me. Are they welcome back if they need a place? Of course! Would I prefer them not to? Also yes.
“that it does not seem to be sinking in that MY PLANS DO NOT COME LAST TO EVERYONE ELSE’S PLANS. Really, it must be absolutely incredible to be socialized male in this society—like having constant low level of cocaine or something.”
THIS! This sums it all up! Women (and myself specifically) are so socialized to put everyone else first. What is thus about?!?! And how can we make this change???? It is sickening and disheartening!
Keep up the good fight! And know I am out here doing the same.
THIS. My son was home on leave and after about three days I wanted to call the Navy and ask if they would take him back.
Truth. I miss some aspects of Oldest since he’s been away at college (like he really gets my sense of humor and likes similar movies and will watch GBBO with me) but I do NOT miss his seeming inability to wipe down a counter after he eats (for the 5th time in a day) or his habit of never folding his laundry so any napkins or dishtowels that are in a load with his clothing get lost until I dig through his unfolded laundry or him drinking a gallon of milk in two days. The list goes on…
We are having a September Shot Challenge (Shallenge?) at my house: 4 yo got her third covid and flu, 7 yo needs flu, I got flu and need covid booster, and hubby needs flu, covid booster, and tetanus… it makes more sense on the little chart I made. Anyway. Appreciate all this information about the boosters from knowledgeable commenters..
Swistle, I ever since I read the thread you retweeted about the tendency of men to automatically decline women’s ideas, I have been thinking about it. And mentally tallying my husband’s responses (I don’t think he’s on cocaine, just the testosterone that comes pre-loaded). He responds well to jokes, which works well for me, but not for every subject.
Thank you for mentioning that thread. I missed it and just went and read it. Socialized resistance to women speaking. So many times I make a statement and then a man says I’m wrong and “corrects” me with the exact same thing I just said. Can’t wait to tell this to the men I know so they can tell me I’m wrong, haha!
Not to be tooo crunchy, but would you consider an electric bike? (Not knowing how far your commute is but …) We’re a one car family currently but relying on Lyft/carpools doesn’t alway work so we’re going to get one for daycare/sports drop offs, quick grocery trips, etc.
Re: William … is there a book I can read? Did I miss a memo? Trying to socialize my 13yo to a) do the bare minimum and b) not minimize my feelings as “overreacting” or needing to “chill” when I get frustrated at his not listening to me or doing what I ask seems impossible. I swear we set a good example but the subconscious misogyny seems baked in already.
Re: books, in the vein of Talk Before Sleep, I really really loved This Is How it Always Is by Laurie Frankel. Ostensibly it’s about a family dealing with their youngest child being trans, but it’s also about family dynamics, and falling in love, and work-life balance, and making friends as adults … highly recommend.
I have a friend who suggested asking kids how they think something makes you feel rather than telling them. “ when you use put dirty and clean laundry in the same basket so I have to wash and fold extra how do you think that makes me feel?” “When you expect me to change my plans so you can use my car how do you think that makes me feel?”
Does it work? My oldest is 10 so I don’t have enough data yet, however when I phrase problems this way the kids fix it without whining.
Haha. I use, “I’m sure you meant to,…” as in, “I’m sure you meant to put your dishes in the dishwasher after you finished eating,” and I don’t think it makes a whit of difference, BUT it allows me and my son to laugh about whatever he’s neglected to do THIS TIME, so at least there’s that.
This Is How It Always Is was SO GOOD. Great recommendation, I heartily second it.
One of the parents at my daughter’s elementary school brings the kids on an electric bike, and it looks so awesome, although big – it looks heavy. I have to say it is very tempting. Tonight is a whole rigmarole of car lending and shuffling (and we have 2 cars and only 3 drivers!) and I would bike, but it’s going to be 80 and I am working at a formal event and I just can’t stand the idea of sweating for the first hour looking a mess. An electric bike would solve this problem. Hmm… I’m going to have to think about this.
I have zero idea whether an e-bike would address any of the problems Swistle mentions for herself OR OTHERS IN HER FAMILY WHO ARE ACTUALLY APPARENTLY THE ONES IN NEED OF A VEHICLE!!! but as an e-bike owner/user myself I have discovered I am completely evangelical about the things and let me just say, if you are considering one, just get one. They are brilliant. Mine is an Ancheer, which is basically the 1970s Honda Civic of the ebike world (I think there are actually a bunch in this category), it is durable and functional as hell and has almost no bells and whistles (er, figuratively speaking — it does have a horn…). I bought mine used for $500 in like 1998 and have ridden the absolute hell out of it and it just goes and goes (I did recently have to replace the battery, but that is to be expected).
Ride up a steep hill without exerting myself? No problem. Ride in 95-degree heat and 98% humidity (Hi! I live in the Southeast!), no problem — just crank the bike’s motor, and it provides the breeze.
I recently bought another (used) Vivi e-bike (yes, I now own 2 working e-bikes, I keep one at my office) and I love it too. You really don’t need fancy (or lots of gears, I hardly use the gears on mine; 7 would be plenty), just get an ebike. Best thing ever.
I don’t use mine to transport kids though, so cannot speak to that.
I feel the same way about Elizabeth Berg! I especially love Open House. Talk Before Sleep is beautiful. The newer stuff is . . . Trite? Trite might be the word.
I can’t find the book I was thinking if, that is basically a book for teens on how to be a decent human, but in searching I came across the book How Not to be a Dick. Sounds promising! I have not read it so I can’t tell whether to recommend it or not!
Oh wait I found the one I was thinking of! It’s aimed for younger kids though. How to be a Person by Catherine Newman. https://www.storey.com/books/how-to-be-a-person/
I immediately screenshot these two titles. Now I have to think of a way to get my son to read…
Can I just say I clicked through the link now and while it seems to be geared towards “kids” all of the examples on the cover absolutely would apply to my 14 year old?
When I first heard the book presented I thought I could learn some new things too! But then of course I never bought a copy and forgot about it until now.
Tangential to this – is there a book about how to be an adult? Something that discusses car payments, insurance, deductibles, rent, credit cards, etc. My son, a freshman in college (commuting) got into an accident last week and seemed completely mystified that someone would have to pay for repairs now and someone would have to pay increased premiums later. (someone being him) I guess he thought if he said it was an accident everyone would be ok with picking up the tab? sigh.
Maybe not quite what you’re looking for, but we do talk about what things cost and how someone decides an expense is worth it to them. (Talk of money! So vulgar!)
My oldest graduated from college this year, and for graduation we gave him a stack of cold hard cash and some books on personal finance. He didn’t have a car until his last year of college, but at that point I talked him through finding an insurer, what to pay for, what not. He’s now trying to get approved for his own credit card, and it’s not easy when you’ve only just gotten your first paycheck, so I’ve talked him through that, too.
I don’t love Money magazine, but subscriptions are pretty cheap and can get someone started on how to think about finances and decisions appertaining thereto. Or maybe Consumer Reports?
I think Get a Financial Life: Personal Finance in Your Twenties and Thirties by Beth Kobliner is decent, there may be other options.
Maybe this book: https://www.julielythcotthaims.com/your-turn
Disclaimer: Julie is a friend of a good friend of my husband so he has known her through his friend since their university days.
Anyway, it’s not so much of a checklist or a “how to do x” list if that is what you are looking for. But Julie has advice and give examples from her own life of things she could have handled better.
We have a copy but I haven’t read it yet.
Now you know what to get William for Christmas- his own bath towels.
Hah! I bought embroidered ones, with our names on them. Turns out that teens who are happy to leave towels on their floor in great numbers, don’t really mind whose names are embroidered on them.
I really like Your Local Epidemiologist on Facebook and Substack for COVID advice. She takes a very evidence-oriented approach and isn’t afraid to call in other experts for help with tricky topics. I basically just do what she says in terms of boosters and stuff and so far I don’t have any regrets.
I have a possible solution for the shirt issue. We ran into this recently, sort of. My husband had ordered a shirt in his usual size and it ended up being way too small. The seller offered to exchange it for the next size up, but he was worried that would be too big. He had also realized that perhaps the shirt was just too intentionally form-fitting regardless of size. The company wasn’t going to offer a full refund. So my husband decided that rather than get an exchange that may or may not please him, he would just exchange the shirt for one that might fit me instead. I’m less picky about my clothing fit in general, and more capable of doing little tricks to make a too-big shirt look okay, so odds were good that as long as we sized up a little, whatever shirt we got would be fine for me. The plan worked out well, I have a new shirt, and although hubby didn’t get the shirt he wanted he at least doesn’t feel like he totally wasted his money.
So, any chance someone else in your house or a friend could use the shirts if you do get an exchange to the smaller size and it still doesn’t fit you properly? Or could you plan ahead of time to use them as a gift or donation in the event the sizing doesn’t work? Then it would feel like less of a risk to do the exchange.
P.S.-Got my bivalent Moderna booster this week and it made me just as fatigued and achey/chilled as the first shot did last year. I had forgotten that the side effects can be pretty gnarly and ended up having to cancel some post-vaccine plans that I definitely wouldn’t have made if I’d remembered how hard the first shot was for me. I’ve been telling everyone that if they had a strong response to one of the previous shots, don’t forget to build in a day of rest after this one.
I come from a family who were just… not super flexible on the car thing. So I spent a lot of time on buses. The summer job I had just before I started my Masters course was on the other side of a city (my parents live in a rural area half an hour BY CAR away from that city, as you can imagine the bus is slower). So I would catch the one bus an hour, sit on it for 45 minutes until I got to the city. Leave that bus, walk 10 minutes to another bus stop, and get a second bus to near the building site where I was working as an assistant to a team of architects. And walk some more until I got onto the site. 9 hour working day, plus 2 + hours travel, 5 days a week.
I have no idea if public transport would be an option for William? I’m sure it would not be a CONVENIENT option (see above) but it would be excellent organisational practice for him. And the car is *your* car and he is going to have to suck that up.
Also, I’ve said this before but my youngest brother was so so similar to your boys and my mum, sister and I rescued him too many times. In the end he has matured into a mostly functional adult with a proper job. Although somehow we (mostly my parents) still seem to have lower expectations of him than of anyone else in the family and he takes full advantage of that, which irks me big time.
Every situation / person is different, so I’m not giving advice (re your brother or William). I’m simply stating that it can make sense to quit rescuing the irresponsible person and let them face the consequences. Of course this does not apply when your child is squandering your resources/money due to poor choices (shared towels, expensive insurance cost from not declining the student health care, etc). Anyway, I’m thinking of my husband who is absent-minded and often forgets day-to-day things. I now respond to his requests for help finding keys, glasses, etc with “I haven’t seen them…” and have quit reminding him of appointments. It sounds mean, but I’ve previously dedicated a lot of my time to picking up the slack. My current lack of reminders / his forgetfulness occasionally resulted in a kid not getting picked up on time and him having to deal with an annoyed activity director. He’s started using a digital calendar. So, baby steps!
Yes I absolutely agree. My sister and I stopped the rescuing a long time ago. My mother… well that’s another story. She would have no qualms about refusing to help my sister or me out though ;)
He has eventually matured though. He’s an excellent cook, very clean and house proud etc, and as far as I’m aware financially solvent. Sometimes I think it takes a longer time with boys.
I read Durable Goods back in 1998, and then I reread it in the height of the pandemic, and I loved it just as much as before, even though, as you say, it’s a weird concept (abusive father, etc).
EIGHT BATH TOWELS.
I am reading and enjoying everyone’s comments and then I come back to the EIGHT BATH TOWELS.
I don’t understand the workings of a brain that just keeps saying “Hey, take a fresh bath towel then leave it on the floor of your room” every effing day. I just don’t. I understand how one might leave the towel on the floor in a frantic rush to get out the door, but then to come back and see it there and go, “This seems fine!” and the next time you take a shower to think “Yep, need another fresh towel,” on into infinity?
I am convinced it would be INFINITY TOWELS if there were that many to do it with.
Slim, this was my feeling too! At what point does it end? EIGHT!!! And no end in sight!
I just tried to order the biscoff ice cream bars from my grocery store, and they don’t carry them! My favorite ice cream topping is a huge scoop of cookie butter, so I know I would love them. Must shop around then hide from the family.
Biscoff ice cream bars are amazingly delicious. So good that we have to keep a supply on hand because the kids love them, too. And in a lovely example of a gift of love, my husband bought me a pack and hid it under the frozen vegetables, knowing the kids would never look there😀.
The car is YOUR car, and you need to drive the non-driving members of the family around in it, as well as needing it to get to work. Point out that you = you plus two and majority rules. Take the keys back from those who hold them. William can figure out his own damn way to get to work.
This is me being enraged on your behalf.
Sorry, you plus THREE.
I am similarly enraged! Your car is yours. They may ask NICELY to borrow it, sometimes.
I can offer some comfort on the “William missing deadlines” front. I was that child. In my first apartment AFTER college, I had my phone turned off more than once for not paying the bill. My dad was very concerned and I had to explain to him that no, I had the money to pay the bill, I just forgot to mail the check. Now, I am a functional adult with nearly every payment I need to make set up to pay automatically. And I rarely miss work deadlines. So take heart, there is hope!
As far as the shirts, if you laid your older, well-fitting ones flat and measured the width right below the armpit and then measured it from the collar to the hem, that would give you something to compare against the new shirts and the seller could make those same measurements on their shirts. Custom Ink used to have measurements like this on their site with pictures to illustrate in case I’m not making sense.
I hate when mfgs measure this way because it doesn’t translate to body measurements, but it’s really helpful if you’re trying to compare between two different shirts.
The laundry thing sounds like something my younger kid would do honestly.
My 14 year old did this EXACT thing this summer. We had no towels left in the cupboard at all and he finally came out with a pile of EIGHT (his sister also had three.) Completely unremorseful, too, the scoundrel.
I am so annoyed on your behalf! The car thing in particular would make me crazy.
I am trying very hard to work on changing my automatic “make things easier/smooth the way for others” habits. My husband absolutely takes all of it for granted and my son has started to do that same. My husband is probably hopeless, but I have stopped preemptively solving problems for him or reminding him of things. My son is only ten, so I’m hopeful I can turn him into someone more thoughtful about the people around him. We’ll see how it goes.
Yes to your second paragraph. We have been married for 42 years and my husband is now semi-retired. I have for years doing the make things easier/take care of things, but seriously he has more time than me so…Now he takes care of more things and is learning more technology and is trying really hard not to assume “I will take care of it”. It’s lovely and I give him kudos for trying. (I will help him if he asks nicely and is stumped). Oh, and I’ve turned the tables by becoming more forgetful and he has to help me find things.
There is a gelato stand in my neighborhood and one time they had Biscoff flavor. It was the best gelato I ever had! Predictably, it has never been on the menu again. I will now begin a quest for Biscoff icecream, yum!
I was a “William” in my college years and managed to pull it together to be a responsible adult and reliable employee after graduation. However, I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago and I think my life would have been so much easier had I known this sooner. I spent so much of my adult life beating myself up and feeling like a moral failure because so many “adulting skills” didn’t come easy to me like everyone else. It’s likely William is just a typical college kid still figuring out how to adult, but if you notice that meeting deadlines, organization skills etc are a challenge for him (even though he has the ability to hyper focus on things he finds interesting), it may be something he should look in to.
TOWELS! Despite my constant nagging to hang up and reuse towels, my kids use a towel once, leave it on their floor and then use a new one the next day. Within 2-3 days of laundry all the towels are missing and they have the nerve to complain “why don’t we have any clean towels?”
I loved Talk Before Sleep. I still think of LD’s big moment of disclosure about her name! I gave up on her other books a long time ago. I just kept thinking, I KNOW you can write amazing stuff, why aren’t you doing it? I’m sure the answer is that the other stuff has a market and maybe it’s bigger so capitalism amirite. Sigh.
Time to re-read Nora Ephron. She always got it. I miss her so much.