This post began with me mulling over a question I wanted to ask a friend, and I realized that “forming the question” and “thinking about my own answer” and “thinking about other people’s possible answers” was interesting/fun enough to me to want to make a whole post/discussion about it. Plus, that friend reads here, so this way I don’t have to worry about making the question both clear and succinct, but can instead go on and on, which is my preferred communication style but can come across a little…odd…if it’s, say, 50 texts, most of them clarifying/modifying earlier texts.
The situation is that a member of a friend group is going to be having a hysterectomy, a procedure I had not realized had as long/difficult a recovery time as it does; and what I wanted to ask her, essentially, was “Do you know what you are likely to find helpful/useful, so that we in your friend group can see if we can help out with that?” And I don’t mean “Can you look into the future and guess how you’ll feel and what you’ll need?,” I mean instead “Have you had relevant past experiences that showed you what things FOR YOU are the best ways for other people to help/support?”
FOR EXAMPLE. After the twins were born, a lot of people wanted to help. Here are some of the things I learned about myself AT THAT TIME (it’s been almost 17 years, so things may have changed):
• I could ONLY accept housework help or errand-running from (1) people who live in my house and (2) my own parents. (I don’t know how I’d feel about it at this point.) But I think I would do VERY WELL helping someone ELSE with housework / doing someone ELSE’S errands (my experience as an in-home elder-caregiver let me know this was My Thing), so my Giving Help feelings don’t match my Receiving Help feelings.
• I ONLY wanted family (my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law, my kids) in the hospital room; I did not want friends to visit. (I don’t know if this would be the same now or not; I will have to see how I feel the next time I am in a hospital; I feel like I might be tearily grateful to see a friend.) But I did VERY MUCH WANT family. We set up a puzzle and people were chatting and working on the puzzle and taking turns holding/admiring the babies, and it was idyllic. “Wanting company” seems like an interesting element to consider, and I can imagine that some people would want as many visitors (in the hospital or at home) as possible, and others would not really want any—but might want emails, or phone calls, or other kinds of social contact.
• You will not be surprised to learn that I did not want check-in phone calls.
• My number one most important need was/is FOOD. If I am WELL-FED, I can cope with almost anything else: pain, lack of sleep, clutter. If I am NOT well-fed, I will FALL APART. Also: I feel able to accept food from pretty much anyone. And this includes ALL KINDS/QUANTITIES of food (i.e., it doesn’t need to be homemade, or enough for the whole household, or adjusted to meet the needs of the entire household, or whatever).
• I also loved FUN MAIL: cards, postcards, etc. During that pregnancy, and it might have been around the time I found out I was expecting twins because I remember a certain “AHHHHHH DEFCON TWO!!!” urgency to her email, my friend Surely asked what she could do to help: scour the second-hand shops for car seats and high chairs? send giant supplemental piles of little hats and onesies and socks? WHAT??—and I said “Oh, could I have FUN MAIL??” And she sent me SO MANY cards and postcards and so forth, and did it for SO LONG after the twins were born, I was QUITE SPOILED. (She STILL sends me cards and postcards sometimes!)
• I LIKE presents but I can get SHY about them. There is a part of me that feels embarrassed when other people spend their money on me. (I do not feel this way when spending money on other people.) I did love that a friend sent me a book of Sudoku puzzles, which I worked on while nursing.
• I LOVE flowers but I can get squirmy about how expensive I know they are. (Which just ADDS to the fun when I SEND flowers.)
What I would like to know from you is what are some of the ways YOU like to (and/or can) receive support, and what are some of the ways YOU like to (and/or can) give support—and I am interested in the DIFFERENCES, such as in the example where I feel like I could go over and wash dishes and clean someone else’s kitchen with joy, as well as relief to be of use, but I don’t think I could let anyone except my mom come over and clean my kitchen (and actually I’d have the kids do it).
And it’s going to be different for everyone! That’s the point! It’s not like we can make a list of “Oh, THESE are the things people should offer because these things are Helpful! And THESE are the things people shouldn’t do because these things are Not Helpful!,” not at all! Because one person will DESPERATELY want/need someone to come over and do the dishes and fold a load of laundry and change the sheets, but maybe their spouse does all the cooking already so food wouldn’t be particularly helpful! And another person would actually really like their spouse to step up and take over the housework for awhile as a little Workload Appreciation Reset, but would LOVE if people would come over and keep them company for awhile, maybe bringing a box of pastries! Everyone’s situation is different; everyone’s preferences are different; everyone’s Helpful Things They Can Accept/Offer are different. And so NOTE: We do NOT want this to be one of those comments sections that makes us feel as if EVERYTHING WE COULD POSSIBLY DO IS WRONG
It seems to me that this is one of the glories of a friend group: lots of chances to mix-and-match a person’s needs with another person’s abilities/inclinations. Maybe one friend would most want food and childcare, and some of the friend group can do one of those things and some can do the other, and some can do neither—but then the next friend needs errands and housecleaning, and now a new batch of the friend group gets a chance to pitch in! Plus: ideally, everyone is comfy enough with each other to SAY what they need, which is one of the hardest parts of this normally.
I’m finding it fun to think of lots of areas of help/support to consider, and am hoping others can think of more. Would you want a gift certificate for a manicure, for when you didn’t feel like you could cope with doing it yourself but would love the little lift of pretty nails and someone else taking care of you? Would you want someone to come over with a box of ingredients, make cookies while chatting to you and telling you how beautiful you look, and then clean the kitchen and leave behind cookies and the scent of cookies and a clean kitchen? Would you want a nice houseplant, or would that be one more thing you had to take care of? Would you want someone to come and watch a movie with the kids while you took a shower and a nap without anyone interrupting you? Would you want someone to take the kids to the park for an hour and a half while you spent some time lying on the floor breathing carefully? Would you want to send a group text asking if by chance anyone was available to bring you some fast food but perfectly fine if nah? Do you like to exchange silly Snapchat-filter photos?
(My hope, by the way, is that we can avoid bringing “love languages” into this discussion, even though I realize it is nearly irresistibly applicable. I found the concept SO interesting and useful when it was described to me, and then I read the actual book and was icked out by it, and have since heard various icky things about the author, and so now I wince at the term even while sheepishly finding it useful. Like, above, talking about housecleaning: housecleaning is a way I could GIVE support, but wasn’t so much a way for me to RECEIVE support, and that’s a useful distinction for this discussion—but I hope we can make the distinction without love languages.)
I agree about the food. During these times whenever we have come down with a cold we have avoided having my parents over, but my mum still drops off some food to us cause she knows having kids is hard, never mind when you’re not feeling well! We did manage to get Covid recently too and had three different people drop off food/groceries and it is obviously super helpful if you can’t go anywhere.
A friend of mine broke her wrist a while back and specifically requested food too because it was her dominant arm and she couldnt chop anything. But she also has 2 dogs, 1 of which is really large, and so her greatest requirement was that someone go over and walk her dogs twice a day until her arm improved.
I HATE phone calls, but I like receiving texts, especially if the sender makes it clear that a response is not expected/required. Since having a teenager, I’ve found that I really enjoy when people send me TikToks they think I would like. I have entire relationships built around this now lol.
I love cooking for other people, and once the food has left my kitchen I don’t wonder at all what happens to it or whether any of it “went to waste” or whatever, which I think is a worry some people have with ACCEPTING food.
I don’t know if you even remember this, but when I got divorced from Ava’s dad, you sent me some brownies and I remembered how you once wrote that when you’re cooking for people you try to think of them as you do it, and I think of that ALL THE TIME and it was one of my most appreciated gifts ever!! AND I USUALLY HATE GIFTS
Oh what a great topic.
I also had twins, and I had them a year into Covid. Given all the extreme stresses of the time, what I have MOST appreciated was anything that fell into the following two categories:
1) Food that arrived in an organized way—we don’t have a ton of extra space, so while I always appreciated the thoughtfulness of any food gift, receiving multiple meals in the same day was not nearly as helpful as receiving a meal on day 1, then day 3, then day 5, and so on. My sister-in-law set up a meal train for us (https://www.mealtrain.com/), and it was wonderful. I will always be grateful to the people who signed up for a day and then actually brought what they said they would, when they said they would.
2) Small comforts that did not have to do with new parenthood. Partly because of Covid, and partly because parenting little kids is just Like This, I am now about four years into a period of intense immersion in my kids’ daily needs, wants, and personalities. I was so happy to have friends willing to text me about other things I cared about, rather than about the tedious details of infant care.
Related to both of the above, as I move forward in life and start to offer support to other friends having babies, what I will always remember is how much I preferred receiving help that did NOT require anything from me in return. People understandably wanted to see the babies and wanted to FEEL helpful. So I often felt that I needed to carry the babies to the door/window (while recovering from childbirth in a pandemic) or do other things that repaid the kindnesses in small ways. And I always did, and I was happy to do so. But I REALLY appreciated the friends who said “I left the food at the door! See you later!” And didn’t pressure me to make myself presentable or risk germ exposure in order to receive the gift.
I also found that there were plenty of people who were more interested in feeling helpful than in actually being helpful (so when they asked what they could do, they would sometimes pooh-pooh my requests and do something THEY thought I needed instead, though I am not a first-time parent and am in my mid-30s). I will always remember this revelation and in the future will try to consciously set aside this instinct in myself to support others!
I hate how ungrateful my response makes me sound! Let me emphasize again that I was SO HAPPY for all the support we got from loved ones when our kid count tripled. But in this EXTREMELY stressful time, with so many small kids too little to be vaccinated, every single day of those early months was difficult in so many unexpected ways.
That did not sound ungrateful AT ALL, but enormously helpful!
It did not remotely sound ungrateful. I cannot even express how much I feel for people who have babies and toddlers during this whole clusterfuck.
When our kid had a stroke things that really helped: meal train that my delightful coworkers set up; someone offered to water our plants/feed the cat/get the mail while we were staying inpatient with the kid. Gas cards helped, because once the kid transitioned to rehab, we need to drive every day.
A close friend stepped in to the main point of contact for questions/concerns. This was ENORMOUSLY helpful. We put a message up on Facebook abs routes everything in the first two weeks when we were scared, not sleeping, etc. Then I didn’t have to answer a million questions or deal with people. If you have a person in your life who can referee, would highly recommend because at least for me, I did not want calls and texts and messages and deliveries all the damn time.
In 2013 I was in hospital for a bit. People sending me flowers (however thoughtful) was stressful because there was so little space in the room and it was a challenge to find a place to put them that didn’t get in the way.
When I got home, the biggest challenge was limited mobility and boredom, so anything that alleviated either one of those things (Fresh Direct gift card, books, puzzles, company) was very welcomed! Getting calls, cards, texts, etc. was appreciated as well. Since she’s going to be recovering from surgery, perhaps you can offer to go for a (mild) walk with her? It’s important post surgery to be moving but hard to get motivated.
We had a really hard run of luck for the first year or so of the pandemic, and when my son tested positive two days into our first trip away as a family since he was a month old, and we had to come home and isolate (for the fifth time in a year) friends rallied. We were sent brownies, flowers, booze. I honestly appreciated it ALL, but simultaneously felt kind of guilty and weird that people were spending money on us and that we were so obviously finding life hard? I guess I’m proud? Which is weird because I love doing those things for other people.
I don’t think I would want people cleaning my house, unless they were so close to me I wouldn’t have to do a pre-clean? Any kind of food is a big yes. Any kind of hand-written card or letter, or lengthy ‘how are you doing? Here’s a fun gossipy update on my life’ email would be so so welcome. If I had a garden and liked gardening, and was going to be physically incapacitated, someone coming in to weed and mow the lawn would be a boon.
I like when people send activities for my kids (age 6 and 8). It does double duty- makes me feel seen (that my friends understand entertaining my kids is difficult) and delights my kids. I also like food, but I like when it shows up unannounced vs having to coordinate it. We are currently in a Stressful Health Situation and these are the two things that have helped. (Flowers also! Always, flowers.)
I am basing my answer on the times my two very extroverted friends were seriously injured and had weeks- long recovery periods at very different stages of their lives. The first friend was in a serious car accident before she was married or had kids. Once she was out of the hospital she really wanted visitors all the time (as noted, she’s an extrovert). Her parents came and stayed with her and took care of food etc so really the only thing my friends and I could do was visit her as often as possible bringing trashy magazines (this was in 1999 so gossip mags were in their heyday).
The second friend got seriously injured skiing and was unable to walk or drive for months when she had a kindergartener and 4th grader. She liked visitors, but what she really needed was the organized meal train we did to feed her family and a consistent round of people who took her kids to and from school and various activities. With kids under 16 there is just so. much. driving. and logistics it was a real relief for her to know that someone else was always going to get her kids where they needed to be without having to think about it and ask every time.
When we had our newborn in the NICU 45 minutes away from home, I loved:
1. Facebook posts/messages – I felt exactly zero need to respond, but it was nice to just scroll through in the middle of the night while I was up pumping.
2. Texts from my close friends/family – I could just dump all the tiny insignificant details on them that felt really important to me at the time.
3. The friends who left food / care packages at our door, then sent a “FYI there’s a box with brownies and that really nice face lotion you like, love you!” text.
Food was actually really hard for me, because it came with the whole, “What do you want? Where should we meet you? What time is okay? Thin crust or Chicago style?” I just could not articulate the sentences needed to plan through all of that.
Having lost a child, I have a lot to say about this! We recorded the conversation if you like podcasts. Speaking of, I mentioned you again in the midst recent episode but here’s the one on the question you’re asking. https://www.cardiganacademy.com/2021/08/beyond-thoughts-and-prayers.html
During hard times, I liked receiving funny memes via text that I didn’t have to respond to. I knew people were thinking about me, I also got to smile at the meme and only reached out if I wanted to. It might not seem like a lot, but the obligation one might feel with a lot of help, can be overwhelming. Sometimes the little things help the most.
I find that asking how you can help can be stressful to the person that you want to help. I think just offering to do *insert whatever here* might take the pressure off them. Particularly, since that seems to be everyone’s default “What can I do to help?”
I would not want friends/family to clean my house, I think. I can’t be positive because, luckily, I have not been a position where that would have been necessary.
Food is always a good idea. As are flowers, notes/cards and random texts cheering you on as you recover. Activities (crossword puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, etc.) to keep them from being bored as they recover. Just being available to chat/listen. Being on point as the person to ferry the children where they need to go as necessary. Taking the children for an afternoon or weekend; also a good idea.
I think most people would appreciate anything that they didn’t have to ask for.
On the house cleaning. When our second child was born my neighbors prepaid for a 2 hour session with a local house cleaner they personally used. I was at first a bit skeptical but we got pantry moths when he was tiny and I called her and basically said “help” and she spent two hours scouring my kitchen and dealing with it. I wouldn’t have wanted that from a friend or family member but she was a paid professional. Pre paid. So it was perfect!!
When it comes to receiving support, I feel like flowers and detailed emails (like… blog post style emails with day-to-day minutiae) top my list of favorites. I got a gorgeous flower arrangement when my daughter finally came home from the NICU and it made me cry, it was so happy and congratulatory. Food is really tricky for me, so I would feel really uncomfortable/ungrateful about receiving food. I think if someone offered to ferry my kid around, I would deeply appreciate that.
When it comes to giving, I like to throw money and food at things. I am happy to cook whatever you want, or bring you food from your favorite restaurant, or send you a gift card. But I would be delighted to help with laundry or dishes if a friend needed that. I would WANT to offer childcare, but would feel poorly equipped. But I would happily transport a child/children to/from school and events.
Also, I would be happy to write day-to-day nonsense style emails to anyone, to divert their attention.
When I had a baby, my church set up a meal train and I SO looked forward to the nights that we had meals provided. It was literally the best.
I also had a friend who knew that I struggled with anxiety and depression and she messaged me every single day and checked in on me. She would chat about silly things or if I wanted to talk about how the baby was being a baby, she would do that too. My MIL was very good about texting me daily and was always so encouraging and would give me suggestions of things to watch on tv while I was trapped nursing for hours.
Those both made such a difference for me as a second time parent 12 years after adopting my first child.
When I had a gyn surgery a year and a half ago (less than a hysterectomy, but with some similar recovery circumstances), I had a friend who brought over a couple of frozen pizzas and some ice cream. I loved it because I could choose to make the pizzas on a day when I just felt overwhelmed, and you never know ahead of time when those days will come. A similar thing I’ve done for friends with new babies is bring over some freezer crock pot meals. The thought was that a lot of people bring food over the first week after baby/surgery but things are still going to be hard a couple weeks later when meals have stopped and maybe the spouse or both parents have to return to work. Then they can just throw the frozen meal straight into the crock pot, no prep, and boom! Hot meal! (Er, 8 hours later).
I don’t actually know whether that was what the receiver wanted (no one has ever told me they DIDN’T like it), but it’s the sort of thing *I* would love, so…I guess my own preference is best summed up as food + flexibility
My kids are older now, but for a number of years, the most helpful thing anyone could provide for us in a crisis was childcare. My niece was stillborn at full term and I had wonderful friends who swooped in and took care of my children so I could be with my SIL and help plan a memorial service and play with my nieces and all of those things they were too blindsided by grief to do. I am eternally grateful.
For me, receiving food is great, but I’d have a hard time with someone cleaning my house if they weren’t my parents, my sister, or a paid professional.
I’m more than happy to clean someone else’s house, wash their laundry, take care of kids, walk the dog, etc. If I know someone well (like my SIL), I’m happy to do a lot of sitting and keeping company, but if we aren’t super close, I’d rather be busy helping.
Oh! When my brother died very suddenly at age 21, we were of course shocked and devastated and didn’t even know what to ask for. My husband called his parents in the middle of the night to tell them what had happened, and they showed up at my parents’ door at 8am, handed me a bag of bagels and cream cheese, and a carafe of coffee and left. It was so kind and reminded us all to eat a little something to get through the day. And my MIL volunteered to be a contact if anyone wanted to help. I just gave them her number when they asked what they could do, and she organized food, childcare, etc. A friend of hers volunteered to stay at my parents’ house during the funeral and received the food people had dropped off. When we came home from the funeral and hosted people for the reception, that friend had cleaned, organized, plated food, etc and was ready to serve drinks. It was such an enormous kindness. She didn’t feel close enough to my family to feel like she needed to be at the funeral but she had a son the same age and just felt like she wanted to help. I will always remember what a burden she lifted for us.
This is such a good point. When my MIL died two of her cousins spearheaded the post-viewing “everyone is gathering at the house” time and it was amazing.
One thing I have found for some friends is that having someone who does not constantly ask “how are you? Are you doing OK? How can I help?” can be invaluable. Some people want to forget about what ever thing happened that caused them to need help, so just treating them like normal rather than broken glass goes a long way. So I have since tried to first make sure I say I am happy to help in anyway I can, list a few things I think might be helpful based on them and the situation, tellthem they can ask for help at any time, and then just go back to normal. They will ask for something if they need it then and if they don’t feel comfortable asking, at least I am not making it weird by pushing.
I also try to make a point to follow up a few weeks later, when the initial outpouring of help has stopped a bit. So asking the parent of a 6 week old if they need me to grab groceries.
I am bad about accepting help myself. I have no idea how this is going to work when the baby is born this fall and we can’t do it all ourselves. I think I will appreciate anyone who sends food/gift cards. I have debated implementing a baby tax rule. Anyone who wants to come see the baby has to spend as much time helping (laundry, dishes, vacuuming, walking the dog) as they do getting baby snuggles. I am not up for entertaining, so make your visit a help rather than another stressor.
Anything that doesn’t add to my mental load (or reduces it!) is welcome! For me, there’s a big difference between “when would be a good time to send over a cleaning person?” and “cleaning person arrives at 2pm and I [close friend with key] will be there to supervise”. I’m not super particular about the house, but I get overwhelmed when there are too many texts and things to respond to.
I also love gift cards in stressful times. Even though we are very financially comfortable and can afford plenty of takeout/extra gas/little luxuries, having gift cards to our favorite places or the supermarket so we can do delivery or buy the $$$ pre-cut produce takes a big edge off.
Oh no! First, an apology. I know that recently I have referred to “love languages” and I assure you I have a) never read the book and b) know nothing about the author. I just thought it was a cute way to refer to ways of giving and receiving love so I am so sorry to have offended! Ack! I didn’t know! I’m sorry!
In terms of giving and receiving help, I find that I have very different feelings about the two. When one of my friends was ill with cancer, I organized a dinner train for her and I think that is my personal favourite way to help, with food. I would be 100% willing to run errands/ clean house/ fold laundry for friends as well, but I don’t think my friends would be comfortable with that. I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with receiving that kind of help but I would love to give it. In theory I would love to receive food as well but I feel weird about asking since I’m vegetarian and I don’t really eat dairy or egg either, so it feels spoiled and picky to ask about it. Does that make sense? I guess I’m shy at asking for help in the food department. Although, I’d love to get things like cookies or fruit.
I would love to receive books or things that would help pass the time, if I was incapacitated. When I was pregnant with my oldest, I was on bedrest for preeclampsia, and my SIL brought over a ton of movies for me to watch (this was obviously pre-streaming days). It was SO thoughtful, all the movies were light comedies or romances. I would love things like a book of crosswords or Sudoku or something like that.
Oh no! No no! Oh dear! I absolutely see references all over the place to love languages and, when I do, I take it the same way I take the occurrences in my own head: as a casual way to refer to a good concept, sans ickiness! I was just trying to avoid a SERIOUS/ACTUAL discussion about it on this post, because it seemed like such a natural connection for someone to make (“Have you heard of The Love Languages?”)—but if I saw mention of the concept on, say, a beloved Nicole blog, I would NEVER think of it as an offensive thing! No no! Not at all! I would ONLY see it as good shorthand to refer to ways of giving and receiving love, AS IT OUGHT TO BE!! (I also enjoy love-language JOKES, such as “Bunny Grahams are my love language,” etc.)
Oh whew! (Not Bunny Grahams specifically, but food is totally my love language, and today I’m making cute little chocolate nests for mini-eggs, and if you have feelings on mini-eggs like I do, I am here for them. Cadbury mini-eggs are better than Eggies, for example, in my opinion, but Reece are really nice too.)
I thought of something else, and that is that my preference for help would be someone just helping, and not asking what they could do. I think a lot of people have also said that, but I have a hard time asking for help so specifying what “someone could do” would be too much for me in a time of need.
The in-laws who dropped off bagels and coffee and then went away (JCF’s comment above) get lots of appreciation from me. When I am Not Okay, I want my husband around the house to take care of me, because I can boss him around and vent and then tell him to go away and wear unflattering pajamas without worrying about being a jerk. And he can keep the household functioning at the bare minimum level, which is fine. But having easy appealing food show up without any effort from us is huge.
One of my best memories of true friendship was when I had a newborn and a friend invited me over to her house and told me to sit on the couch and do nothing while she made a giant batch of homemade granola bars for me to take home.
Everyone else seemed to think I wanted frozen lasagna, which you need to defrost and cook and serve and eat with a fork while it’s hot and then clean up after. I think I lived on those granola bars for 3 days straight, and then I got the recipe from her and kept making them for the next 3 years.
Great discussion! This is one of the hard things about Covid. When a friend with young kids has it, I can’t do anything to help while they quarantine. We live in a big city where you can have anything you might need delivered, so dropping stuff off isn’t really helpful. The only thing I can think of is checking on them every few days.
Firstly, happy teary at the memory of when you were pregnant with the twins. <3
Secondly, the gift box of treats and easy things to eat & drink while I was on bedrest was Amazing and so helpful. And the box of books to browse and admire roo.
My other thought was a gift box like what you might give a teenage girl who just got her period. Hot pad, snuggly blanket, etc.
Finally: A John Cusack Day could be just the thing to help spend her time. :)
It depends for me on whether it’s a postpartum kind of time, where I have an extremely full plate and feel vulnerable but am mostly myself, or a griefy kind of time, where my limbic system is shot so I cannot handle making decisions and need everything I have just to stay afloat.
If I’m postpartum (which is probably comparable in my case to a broken bone), I want food I’m not allergic to that I don’t have to think about. Disposable baking sheets, huge quantities, not allergic to it.
Childcare is tricky because there aren’t that many people I trust alone with my kids, but please come do art with them at my kitchen table.
I’m in favor of someone cleaning for me though it is hard, and if you are my mother in particular, please just ask how we handle xyz rather than silently inventing a way and then complaining later how we “don’t have a system!” We have a system.
If I’m grief-stricken, number one please modulate your own emotions. I do not have bandwidth for mine AND yours. Ring theory: comfort in, dump out. Number two, don’t ask me questions. You can have one question: who can I call to get details on your food needs so I can set up a meal train with instructions for everyone? Then pester that person instead.
I love this convo. Last year my brother-in-law passed suddenly, so I moved into my sister’s place for a few months (I would only appreciate that if it was a family member who needs no caretaking, and I tried to be that person for her and the kids). At the end of it I came home because my father-in-law went into hospice, and then I got COVID the day they told us to come say goodbye, and he died while I was quarantined and then hospitalized overnight. So. Here are my thoughts based on that:
I would not want to have someone ask me if they can clean (I’ll say no), but if you turn up and just do it without asking me questions I would love it. This could include things like cleaning out the garage for spring or whatever. Also yard work like weeding or mowing. We don’t have a ton of that stuff, but not coming out to a disaster of a yard is nice.
I liked when folks brought us food (and enough for the family was appreciated), but I also liked that lots of folks got us gift certificates for door dash or other similar services so we could order in our favorites more often than we’d be able to otherwise.
My sister had house issues come up after her husband died, and having friends with skills who don’t care that you didn’t call them until you needed them was priceless.
I got a gift certificate for a massage, and it took me a year to use it between covid concerns and also being bad at prioritizing myself.
A friend made me a playlist of music they liked that reminded them of me and I loved that. Also people who sent tiktok’s, memes, etc, but didn’t expect me to engage.
Flowers and plants are lovely but my cat eats them all, so for me they cause stress sometimes (I still like them, though).
Taking my kids for a few hours or overnight is one of the best things.
Supplying the house with healthy snacking options…Often we didn’t feel like eating a whole meal, and so if it’s only junk around for snacking that’s what we’d eat. Pre-cut veggie and trays, some kind of protien, that stuff was super-helpful.
I’m loving reading others’ responses!
I think Mail and care packages go a long way with me for help from non relatives. The gift card ideas are great as well. So many great things to read in this thread!
To be honest I don’t have a great support system, my best friend is my sister and she lives in another country but finds ways to support and love me. When my first child was born I had a bad experience in the hospital. It was clear I needed more support in the delivery room. For my second child my sister researched local doulas and sent me names and numbers to call and interview and just really encouraged me to go ahead and spend that money and buy myself the support I needed. If money was an issue I guarantee she would have paid the $800 fee for me. My second birth was so much better…. and this is such a happy memory to reflect on – my sister supporting me.
I wanted to add another comment.
Something my husband can to do to support me: take the kids out of the house and leave me to enjoy my house by myself for a few hours.
I’ve also read that a house needs two things to function, if nothing else: food and clean laundry. It helps to clarify priorities sometimes, and I’ve been thinking about what to send someone who just had a baby and I’ve concluded a door dash certificate is in the list after remembering/ reading here.
I’m very in favor or giving food to people when they are recuperating from something. Any kind of recuperation, any kind of food. Some of my fondest memories of postpartum (other than the yummy baby) are of food. The Edible Arrangement from hubby’s ridiculous aunt, that we ate in the middle of the night, getting energy from food instead of sleep. The meals dropped off by grad school classmates, and I’m talking single young men, so I was really touched that they went to the trouble to cook something. Not baby related, but when we moved last year, our new neighbors brought by cookies from a local treatery, and that was such a nice surprise.
Most of the comments have focused on the post-surgery funk. I’m wondering if this will be a hysterectomy that causes menopause. That is an emotional and physical thing to address. During chemo, I was put into menopause. It sucked. Depending on your friend’s age, she may not have a lot of peers with similar woes yet. It can be a touchy thing depending on your friend’s personality. I’m thinking a gift set that could include some of these items – sheets that are cooling (counter night sweats), travel size deodorant (hot flashes), lube (dry vagina).
This is such an interesting discussion, and so thoughtful too!
When my husband died, my daughter contacted my son (I live in MI, she lives in IN, he lives in IL) and arranged for him and his fiancee to come out so they could all be with me for the day. The night before their visit, she actually emailed me and asked this very question. She said she didn’t know how I grieve (she’d never seen me in grief) and what would help? That was amazing. (I asked her to help me with the funeral stuff and call the funeral director, because the phone is so difficult for me.)
She did bring some food – donuts and a loaf of bread, because my husband always baked our bread – and that was great because I was not eating much. But food was not super high on my list, after those first two or three days. Cooking kept my mind busy and gave me something to do, so I had food needs covered.
Nobody sent me flowers and I would have LOVED something to brighten the house at that time. Not plants (I kill them) but a bouquet would have been fun.
I did not want long-term company. Come visit me for a few hours and then leave so I can wander the house and scream and cry and get it all out without having to stay pulled together while I have company.
But also, don’t forget about me a week or even a month later. Please keep coming by for those short visits!
I had a lot of people messaging me and asking how I was, so I spent a lot of time texting that I was fine, hanging in there, etc. (I was not fine, but how do you really convey that in a short text with someone who is more of an acquaintance?) The messages didn’t bother me – I was honored that people were thinking of me and reaching out.
Someone coming by and getting me out of the house would have been nice. I’m in a unique situation here, in a small town where I have no friends and my family live far away. I think isolation is my biggest nemesis. (My daughter has been wonderful about coming for visits, even though it’s a long drive and she has 3 young children.)
Some great suggestions here! I’m following for idea regarding a neighbor who’s an acquaintance rather than a friend. She’s in treatment for cancer. We check in through texts sometimes and I’ve brought food.
One new suggestion for the list – offering to drive kids to/from school or activities. That’s one chore that’s hard to do when you’re not feeling well.
I don’t have a lot of experience with this (the needing support part, I mean), but my mother just had shoulder surgery, and someone sent her a fruit bouquet, which we both really appreciated. Although we didn’t end up eating it all (the first week was a little rough), it was a great idea, cheery to look at and healthy to eat. One of our neighbors made and brought us dinner one night, luckily on a night when I hadn’t already made big dinner plans. It was very very nice of her, but I can see how one might want to check with the recipient ahead of the day (“How about I bring you dinner tomorrow night?” would have been good). But I don’t want to sound ungrateful! We appreciated everything people did.
When a close friend had an emergency c-section to deliver a preemie, another friend and I went to their home while parents and baby were still in hospital. We put fresh bedding on the bed, tidied everything up, washed and put away all the dishes, washed and folded laundry, left a new, nursing-friendly nightgown laid out on the bed, a fresh bar of the new mom’s favourite fancy soap in the shower. When the couple got home, they said it was the kind of thing they NEVER would have asked for, and probably would have declined if we had offered it but they were SO GRATEFUL that we just went ahead and did it.
For me, having people look after errands is SO APPRECIATED. I am a school principal and a caregiver for an aging parent with dementia; one of my dearest friends is a stay at home mom whose kids are in school (at my school) all day. She frequently texts me from various stores, asking what I need, and then brings me my items at pickup time. The first time I accepted, it felt a little uncomfortable, but SHE IS IN THE STORE ANYWAY. Grabbing a bottle of contact solution is NOT a big imposition for her, and it makes such a difference for me not to have to work an errand into my week.
At times of crisis and grief in my life, I have been most grateful for things that demanded NO decision-making or logistical organization on my part. When my mom was first diagnosed, I craved social contact with close friends, but was utterly incapable of organizing a plan. One friend would text, saying: “I can meet you at XYZ coffee shop at 10 on Saturday. We will get coffee and go for a walk,” and all I had to do was SHOW UP. That was tremendously helpful. The same friend also doubled her own meal prep on a few occasions, and brought me supplies for my work lunches for the week, and that was also a huge help.
One thing I love is when people are *truly non-judgy* because there is basically no better way to make me crawl back into my shell in misery than to be judgy.
I say “truly” though because some people say “Oh, well I was totally fine with doing [embarrassing personal thing that person would not want anyone to know was needed] for [NAMED PERSON!!!] so I’m fine with doing [less embarrassing thing] for you” because NO I do NOT want to be a named story in your list.
You can list assorted not-connected-with-specific-people things you’ve been fine with dealing with! That is great! It is reassuring to know that you are fine with something and this will not be the worst/first thing you’ve dealt with! BUT NO GOSSIP and NO IDENTIFICATION and NO “I do these things because am an angel who is different from everyone else” stories.
Anyway. I sometimes necessary or potentially-necessary physical help in the least-terrifying way possible, and that is how to do it: 95% all-in-a-day’s-work nothing-to-see-here with 5% reassurance that you honestly do not mind. I am disabled and need minor help daily, and when my body goes awry, then there is vomit, etc., and when spouse travels, I effectively need a babysitter and this is emotionally hard sometimes, to have someone seeing everything, and the harder that person makes it by making it feel more likely this will be a juicy story to someone later, the more likely it is there will be vomit and/or an ER trip. (incidentally I HATE having paid professionals cleaning while I am present because I do not know how to interact; it feels important to recognize them as human rather than leaving them feeling like machine/underling, but I do not want to force socialization on them and they are not in a good position to answer candidly what they would prefer.)
But anyway: fun mail is The Best. And being remembered. And being “seen” – when people remember little facts or say they enjoy/value your [character trait] or send your favorite chocolate or email something that made them think of you.
I still want to make photo/hello books – all the people in a friend group sending in a photo and a note to a person, and then compiling those into one of those books where each “page” is a sleeve you can put photos in – but I have been foiled by the fact that multiple people in the group would likely enjoy receiving one and that would be too much for everyone to do (send one photo and short personal note: yes. a photo – or more than one photo – and 12 personalized notes: nope). *But* if someone was clearly The One Who Need Support Right Now, then that might be more feasible. (I’m thinking of photos either of them with the friend, or them reaching out to give a hug towards the camera, or of something random that makes them think of friend.)
I also sort of wonder whether a twitter feed or other online archive of Nice Things might be useful for some people. Happy news stories; otter photos; jokes; weird facts; that they can go to when they need a pick-me-up but that doesn’t require any response at any time but that you *could* reply to if you really wanted to.
Anyway. I like being seen and remembered. I do not generally like food because I grew up trained to Not Waste Food Ever (and, I mean, there *are* children starving in [insert placename]) and because I have so many foods my body copes poorly with that I feel ridiculous telling people.
My favorite tangible support when I am fried out is probably when someone proposes a reasonably detailed plan and gives me the option of saying 1. yes, 2. no, 3. can these modifications happen? So: “If it’s okay, we’ll drop off this kind of pizza at 6:30pm on Wednesday, but let us know if you’d prefer a different pizza, time, or night, we’re available [this range of times/dates], or if this just wouldn’t be a good way to support you at this time that is totally fine.” or something vaguely like that. No coherent thought involved if the plan does work for you; minimal if rescheduling or a different pizza type would work better; and if the plan terrifies you, then you can also say a plain no.
But yes, also: fun mail. Always the fun mail. (I should send out more fun mail…)
a reference to a twitter feed or similar reminded me of a group pinterest board a bunch of us put together during a friend’s long term illness. We’d add things as and when we came across them, things to make her smile, to keep her entertained and just to brighten her day. Worked well and was much appreciated, I’d add a Spotfiy playlist – the modern mixtape – which, when I was recuperating from my hysterectomy, was fun to listen to and imagine dear friends putting together whilst thinking of me – so kind of them.
I know I would appreciate someone cleaning litter boxes or taking my dogs out to burn off energy.
I’m weird about food so a meal train wouldn’t be my favorite but a gift card to a restaurant that delivers would be great.
My honorary aunt fell recently, and broke her ribs and her arm, so I sent her chocolates and a book and a cosy oversized hoodie that zips up the front, and here’s what she said about the hoodie, “The Sherpa hoodie is so soft and cozy. It will be perfect for the many hours I spend on the couch with ice packs that soothe me but leave me rather chilled at the same time. “
For me, I like when people give me books or send meals.
I’m due with my 5th in a week and a half so this has been on my mind.
As a more anxious person, especially in year two of a pandemic and a tightly lived in bubble, the thought of having anyone in the house is impossible, as well as the thought of eating others’ homecooked foods (I’ve always been unsettled by potlucks, etc.)
I hope to receive what I do for my postpartum friends–leave brunch foods all prepackaged from the grocery store (hardboiled eggs, bagels with cream cheese, fresh berries, special chocolate bar and fun magazine for the mom and a pack of diapers) on their front step and drive home before texting so there is no pressure to say hi.
I also know I’m difficult because the idea of anyone else taking the kids to a playground or driving them to activities is enormously stressful. But texting me weekly to ask for baby pictures or a phone call to hear how it’s going would be so welcomed as an outlet and verbal processing and connection in an overwhelming time.
Thanks for this timely prompt!
I am a help refuser by nature, so when people ask “Do you need anything?” or “Is there anything I can do to help?” I will typically answer no. I find that the more specific the question the better. Our family caught covid at the end of February despite our best efforts, unfortunately, and while it was thankfully very mild, we were stuck at home. Multiple people asked the aforementioned questions and got a “No, thank you, we’re fine” response, and we mostly were. But one of my closest friends said, “I have some extra soup, can I bring you some soup, and also some extra groceries, I was just at Costco, and I don’t think we’ll get through all this anyway.” It was much easier to say yes to soup, and fantastic not to have to cook or plan that meal, and also to feel like she wasn’t going out of her way for us, just bringing some leftovers/overstock from her own pantry (I don’t even know if it’s TRUE – she may have driven 20 miles for soup! But I like thinking that it was super easy for her to just raid her fridge and bring some stuff). I can see this working in other situations, too. “Can I come over and mow your lawn?” “How about I grab the kids from school today?” etc. Give me a specific thing to say yes or no to, and I’m much more likely to accept the help.
Also, I realize this could be a sensitive subject, since not everyone has a spouse who (mostly) pulls their weight around the house, but I think I might be prone to refusing help that my husband could really use. That is, if I’m in a position where he’s the one mostly taking care of things while I recover from an illness, or new baby, or whatever, one of the best things people could do is check in with HIM as well as me. His family is local, and sometimes, his dad will just come do something around the house or bring over a pot of beans and I remember “Oh, hey – he has people, too, and they would love to be of use, and to him specifically!”
Finally, on the subject of what we allow people to help with, asked or unasked, we had the neighbor girls take care of our cats while we were away over Christmas, and they adorably made my daughters’ beds for them. (We don’t make beds often in our house, since I have limited bandwidth for chores that by their nature have to be done over and over and are never truly “finished” and I choose to spend that bandwidth on laundry and dishes, since no one runs out of bedding if the beds don’t get made. Ahem. Anyway.) My older one, who is the most like me, was like “I guess it’s nice? But it’s also kind of weird. I feel weird that someone else made my bed. I kind of wish they hadn’t.” So we are definitely a “probably should ask first about most of the in-house tasks” kind of family.
I had a hysterectomy last summer and the things I found most helpful were: (1) a basket of snacks that did not need to be refrigerated so I didn’t have to bother someone every time I was hungry, (2) DoorDash gifts cards so that I could select a few meals and have them delivered. It was nice to be able to pick what I felt like in that moment, though homemade drop-off meals are great too and (3) passwords to streaming services that we don’t usually have. It was awfully nice to be able to burn through a few seasons of a new-to-me show to pass the time.
If she has pets or plants to care for, I’d offer a schedule to walk the dog, water the plants, etc. I know I’m in the minority here, but I don’t really appreciate receiving flowers and houseplants after surgery because I just feel guilty for neglecting them even if I enjoy looking at them at first.
Meal trains are awesome. In today’s age it’s fine to be picky about dietary needs and preferences. And those requirements can be indicated up front. It was nice to know when to expect food to just appear. Gift cards are always welcome.
I love receiving care packages. I’d fill it with a lip balm, treats and snacks or fruit, a logic puzzle or sudoku book, and a fun magazine and a book.
Potlucks make me squeamish, so I’m always a little meh about delivering or receiving homemade food. BUT: when I had babies, and someone was thoughtful enough to provide cut up fresh fruit in a container that I did not have to return to them? THAT WAS THE VERY BEST.
So – I’m going to approach this a little differently, and put together a list of all the things through all the comments that appealed to me! I think the challenging thing with something like a hysterectomy is everyone heals differently depending on complications or whatever. Some people might be up and about after a couple days (NOT recommended, I know someone who ended up going backwards in her recovery as a result of pushing it), others might need a solid 2 weeks of bedrest. Basically – it might be hard to anticipate the level of need BEFOREHAND.
However, here are the things I picked out as appealing to me. I should preface this with on the meals front – my 17-yr-old son is an incredibly picky eater, so he would be on his own LOL – and dh and I are far from picky eaters (it’s possible this is evidenced by our weight). My 23-yr-old daughter comes for dinner on Thursday nights and she has Celiac – so if someone was to do a GF meal on a Thursday, that would be amazing. Those are the types of things I feel like it would be important for people wanting to help to know beforehand maybe.
Someone mentioned freezer crockpot meals – I love this idea! A bunch of stuff in a bag that all I would have to do is (maybe) thaw it and toss it in the crockpot? That’s brilliant. (Can I hire someone to do this for me year round, I wonder??)
I love the basket of snacks thought too – I have a wicked sweet tooth, which is terrible for my weight but wonderful when it’s satisfied, so I DO love my chocolate. When my sister died a dear friend made me these fantastic “seed bars” – they were the best thing ever for something easy and filling.
Someone else pointed out company when walking. This is a great idea – because yes, it’s boring walking by yourself and once you’re over bed rest type recovery I imagine the best thing you can do is get (carefully) moving – so much more enjoyable with company.
Something else I find would be helpful for others to think about – events that might be coming up that may require errands or whatever to prepare for. For instance – if it were me and I was having surgery shortly, I would be concerned that I was going to be able to prepare for whatever is needed for my sons graduation in early June. Maybe being able to reach out to a few people and just say “hey does anyone have availability to go with me to XYZ Store and pick up because I can’t lift it post-surgery” would be helpful.
I also like the idea of maybe a “weekend bagel run”, which is nice for the whole family – because I know I would be counting on my husband and son to handle the cleaning/laundry duties and it would be nice to treat them too.
And finally – I love a good laugh – so funny meme’s/tik tok’s/video’s, etc. would be very fun to get!
Anyway – those are the things that I picked out. But I absolutely noted a whole bunch of other ideas – so that next time I’m ready to ask a friend if they need something during a challenging time – I can offer specific ideas, which I find easier than coming up with on the spot!
MY GOODNESS this has been an incredible comment section to read! So interesting and helpful and full of great ideas!!
When our son was hospitalized last year, the most helpful *immediate* things were people swooping in to take care of our 4 yr old, making sure she had an (awake) adult around during the day, getting her to & from school, keeping her fed, etc. Assuming there’s not a small child involved though, other broadly helpful things:
-definitely the lawn, for us. my husband’s firm hired a lawn service for us for the summer, and having someone just show up with ZERO work or planning on our part once a week to cut the lawn? AMAZING.
-one of my friends is in chemo right now as well, and while I’ve mailed her a bunch of treats for her and activities for her young daughter, I’m pretty sure the thing she actually appreciates the most are the stupid memes I save up throughout every week and then text to her throughout the day on her chemo treatment days
Love this discussion!
Things I would like: Activities like crossword puzzle books, books to read (or a gift card to Amazon so I can pick out some); someone to do my laundry maybe (my husband can do this just fine, but he might appreciate it); short texts without the expectation of long responses, maybe just thinking of you; someone to mow my lawn or weed (especially in the summer when my husband is traveling).
Things I wouldn’t appreciate as much: Food, since we have food limitations; flowers (I’m allergic to most scents); housecleaning; and the question what can I do to help (how do you answer that, and if I make a suggestion will they want to do it).
I would like to help by providing a care package of things I know they might like; flowers if they are a flower person; running errands or shopping for them; visiting if they like that.
The one thing I am really bad at is the food thing…I barely cook for the two of us and when I have been asked to be part of a meal train I am expected to cook meals for them (I can order pizza or do a pick up).
I have a friend who’s unfortunately been hospitalized several times, and so now when anyone I know is going to be inpatient for more than a day I make them a hospital bag of things we’ve found helpful, edited for appropriateness to the issue. For example, usually I put in a pack of premium toilet paper, but did not include that when another friend needed a colostomy. I also include a box of very soft paper towels for post-hand washing, lip balm and lotion, a power strip, a tin of homemade chocolate chip cookies for the patient and to hand out to hospital staff, and some kind of low-stress activity I know they like, such as a mini sketch pad and colored pencils, a puzzle book, a book of short stories which requires less long-term attention and commitment, or something like a small puzzle game or pretty magic putty. For after they’re home I cook or bake something they’ve requested from me before and offer to take the kid and/or the dog out, even if just in the backyard.
The most wonderful thing someone has done for me when a family member died was to call and say she was just headed to the grocery store and did we want her to pick anything up for us while she was there. I asked if she could bring us a cake since it was my daughter’s sixth birthday the next day and we had not been able to get anything. Well, this friend showed up the next day with a beautiful birthday cake, candles and all, along with a big bunch of balloons and a bag full of wrapped presents for the birthday girl. That was a birthday my daughter has never forgotten.
In terms of giving to friends, I’ve always tried to compile a small gift bag based on the person and their situation — as others said here, treats, lotions, magazines, gift cards. For others I’m not as close to, it’s been contributing to a group gift card or sending flowers.
But over the past five years, both my parents passed away (my mom after a several year battle with Alzheimer’s) and I realized what is truly helpful. For those of us who are parents, the biggest help is taking the kids. The fact that my grief was constantly having to be checked or adjusted so I could “be mom” made it more exhausting than I think it would have been otherwise. Friends who took my daughter for an afternoon, a night, or even just did the school/activities drop-off or pick-up were a huge help. Extra points to those friends who said “I’m bringing dinner from X restaurant when I bring your daughter home, text me your order.”
Another friend went to the grocery store and stocked up on the ready-made store items I rarely spend money on, like soups, chilis, pizzas, pre-made salads and she came and literally put them away in the refrigerator. A friend (who is actually my brother’s best friend) and his wife Door-dashed a box of See’s Candy after my dad’s death, and I didn’t even know you could do that, but there is never a time that See’s Candy isn’t welcome!
One thing that isn’t helpful, for me at least, is saying “let me know if there is anything I can do.” I know you mean well and there is lots, of course, but I don’t know what you would feel comfortable doing (as is perhaps the very point of this post!) and so I will not ask for anything at all. Also flowers — I love them, but there were so, so many. I hate to sound ungenerous (is that a word?) but I would so much have preferred food if they were going to spend money on me.
Lastly, if you have a friend in grief or in crisis, maybe think about waiting a couple of weeks or even a month to provide whatever help you decide on (or provide it again later on). Everyone “swarms” to provide assistance in the beginning and I found after a few weeks I was still grieving and exhausted but no one thought to bring me dinner any more.
I had a hysterectomy in 2019 and since I live alone there were definitely things I hadn’t anticipated. Luckily, I had a quick, smooth recovery but I couldn’t lift anything over five pounds for a month. There are so many things we do every day that require lifting at least that much weight. My mom came and cleaned the litter box, I had friends come and take out the trash, etc. Door dash or delivery gift cards were the best since I’m only one person and could order what I wanted without worrying about wasting what someone took the time to cook. I also had friends just come over and hang out so I didn’t get lonely.
I’m not really sure how a person would offer this, but what I really want is a person I can ask to do things/will help me do things without worrying about being too abrupt or too weird. When my grandmother died earlier this year, I needed to reserve a camping spot for a particular weekend, but I was over the limit of spots I could reserve, and so I messaged a friend and told her the spot number and the date and that I would pay her back, and she messaged me that it was done. It was the nicest thing. And this is the same friend who bought me a baby quilt pattern for my birthday, ten years before I had a baby, and reserved a Gmail address with my married name on it for me before I was actually married (sorry, I promise I am very feminist in most other ways). I dislike justifying myself to people, so the friends who don’t make me are worth their wait in gold. (See also my husband, who still always asks me where I’m going where I leave the house, but accepts “I don’t have to tell you!” as an answer even when he knows I am probably buying chocolate).
Now see, that is exactly the sort of thing I would like a friend ask me to do for them!
There’s someone I know through work who was genuinely grateful that I asked how she was feeling emotionally after her hysterectomy. I happened to be reading a blog around that time written by someone who’d had a hysterectomy, and that person was writing a lot about the emotional side effects. My work friend said that a lot of people had been good about being considerate/thoughtful about the physical part of things, but that her moods were all out of whack. Nobody else had asked about her emotions.
Depending on the people in her life, you could offer to drive her to/from things if she doesn’t have someone who would naturally do it.
If you’re looking for a thing to give, think about what your friend likes to do as a low-key pastime. I would want books/ebooks, soup, and the peace of an empty house. My husband would want movies and someone to listen to him complain when he feels like complaining, but no offers of food/concern outside of that. If your friend is into crafts, maybe something craft-related? I decided to try out embroidery and got a kit off of Amazon to teach myself, and am finding it to be pretty enjoyable.
When I had my daughter via emergency C-section I’d talked to my mother ahead of time (I was at risk for pre-eclampsia so knew it was going to be a possibility) and tried to remind her that I would need help if it happened. She nervously agreed. To give you an idea of how that worked out, a year later I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice when I said some help would have been nice and she defensively said “I came every day for almost a week!” to which I answered, “Yes, the week I was in the hospital and had help from nurses available 24 hours a day!” She dropped some food off at my place the day I came home from the hospital and that was the last I saw of her for a couple of weeks. So from that I can only imagine I would have appreciated, in addition to the food that was most welcome, someone to hold the baby while I showered from time to time. Any cleaning, doing of dishes, etc. would have been an absolute luxury. Sadly, my mother is just one example of the many, many people who have let me down when it counted. When I found out I was going in for an induction before my due date I called a couple of friends looking for someone to put the crib together that was still in the box and couldn’t find anyone to spare the time. And it’s not like we never did/do stuff for our friends – the day after I came home from the hospital my husband had to work every single day for 4 weeks straight. What did he do on his first day off? Help one of our friends move. I never got one card from friend or family when my granny passed, after 8 months of showing up for her in the city she lived two hours away, while she dwindled agonizingly in front of my eyes. So yes, I suppose I’m probably a person who would also like a card or two to cheer me up and make me feel seen and supported.
The type of support I am good at, and am in the midst of providing right now as my stepfather is facing his final days, is administrative stuff: I sit in on all phone and in-person appointments with doctors, take notes, and send summaries in understandable, sort sentences to the close family that needs to be in the loop; I make sure I understand the potential side effects of new medications and forewarn my mother; I found and arranged for the rental of a piece of medical equipment, and now that he’s moved on from needing it I’ve arranged for it to be picked up; I’m researching local cremation and service options; I’m keeping an eye on him over my laptop… and just got up to adjust his blanket and let some fresh air in; I’m providing moral support to my mother and letting her get some sleep so she’s not the only one here alone with him taking care of him all the time.
If I may say so, I’m also very good at taking people to emergency rooms in the hospital and tending to them during the interminable wait for triage, consultation and treatment/admittance. I don’t get mad, I don’t get rude, I respect the rules and systems but work within them to nudge things along where possible.
Clearly this is Very Much On My Mind, due to the circumstances under which I’m writing.
Not that you need my validation, but I think it is very understandable that these things are on your mind. It seems SO OBVIOUS that a person who’s had a c-section could use some help at home, doesn’t it. And similarly with someone who’s in their last days, they really need someone to be their advocate / note taker / admin / etc with medical people.
I had one ‘natural’ birth and two c-sections, and the number of people who seem to feel like a c-section is nothing because people have them all the time and they’re just routine…… I did OK after both of mine! But I was lucky, and you do genuinely feel pain and discomfort for quite a long while and you have to be super careful about such silly little things as laughing, bending, lifting anything (like a baby), coughing, breathing…..
So I’m sorry you didn’t get any support from your mother at home. That sucks. And it sounds like you’re doing a great job for your stepfather.
I totally need your validation, so thanks!
My stepfather passed on Friday morning, so I’m now doing all the paperwork, etc. and helping go through stuff with my mom. I’ve gotten some texts/messages from friends, but maybe we just don’t have a supportive culture where I live? No one has sent anything (unless there are cards in the mail?), brought food, etc. I’m kind of floored at the kindness and generosity of Swistle’s commenters who would do so much when someone needs support!
I like food I only need to reheat and can eat without a knife.
I’ve brought food to several post-surgical friends in the past couple of years, and what they’ve wanted has varied. One had a spouse who was willing to grill, so I brought marinated stuff, plus sides. One friend’s family (spouse and kids) was willing to cook but not good at it, so I’d drop off components with instructions about what to do with said components. I’ve also dropped of blobs of homemade cookie dough that could be baked as needed, or frozen until they felt the need for cookies.
A friend and I once did another friend’s laundry and cleaning, and she was briefly concerned that we were letting her kids slack on their chores, which I get. But for a week or two, everyone needs some pampering, I think.
I second the blobs of frozen cookie dough! A friend put two dozen in my freezer after my c-section (with instructions on the outside of the bag that said “Lactation cookies. Put in oven at 350 and bake for 15 mins. Eat only if YOU are the one lactating.”) and it was the best gift ever.
Oh, this is all very interesting. I have some rambly thoughts that don’t really go anywhere.
For me, I don’t like getting flowers. (I know lots of people do, and that’s fine.) I appreciate the thought, and they’re pretty! But they die, and it’s a pain in the ass to clean up the wreckage afterwards. If I know someone else likes flowers, though, I’ll get them for that person.
When I had my first baby, I was so taut with nerves, and was getting very little actual helpful help from his dad (who would take him now and then during the day but did not get up at night without me, usually didn’t get up WITH me, didn’t change nappies, etc). When my mum and dad and sister came over, they looked after him in our house for a while. It was probably about the best option because i would’ve stressed if they’d taken him elsewhere. I dozed a little. But I also felt weird about not Being There For Guests. That was all a bit easier with kids 2 and 3, but still complicated.
Everyone gave us clothes for him, and quite a few toys too. Which was great! Clothes and toys are lovely, and I’m not ungrateful at all. A couple particularly practical gifts stood out, though, like the friend who came to visit who brought a jumbo pack of nappies and baby wipes.
For me, if my house is in a reasonable state, I don’t mind if people come over and do a deep clean of the kitchen or bathroom (and stay awayyyy from the particularly horribly messy areas). I DO mind if they do it by asking me every 5 seconds, should I do this? Where would you like me to put that? I totally understand it! I don’t know what I’m doing in someone else’s house, either! But it’s just so hard to put in that mental effort to make decisions and be articulate and nice and clearly grateful, when I’m not doing so well.
If my house is in a terrible state, that’s different, lol.
Friends many years ago, not long after I first moved out, used to bring over a bag of random household staples when they visited. That was great, especially when I didn’t have much money or time. So there’d be pasta, pasta sauce, crackers, chocolate, peanut butter. Things like that, that I could use immediately if I wanted to, or could let sit in the kitchen for a while.
So that’s one of the things I like to do, because I enjoy shopping for 15-20 items of useful but also nice groceries. It’s fun to go to the shop and think would they like this or that? Another thing I like doing is giving options such as, “I’d like to either order you a pizza delivery tonight or drop off a bag of non-perishable groceries to your front door, which would you prefer?” If I’m visiting, I might text and say “I’m going to the supermarket, are you low on bread, milk, toilet paper, chocolate, anything else?”
Then it’s easy for the person to say “please do this” instead of them feeling like they’re imposing. I’m offering things I’m cool with doing, so they’re not being a pain, and they only have to make minimal decisions.
Oh, and when I had my first kid, I found out that Newborn Time (TM) is a thing. I.e. I loved loved loved it when people turned up 10-15 minutes later than they’d said. Maybe other people wouldn’t like that, though.
Completely agree that “let me know if I can do anything” is well meant but ultimately useless. “Let me know if you need groceries, I’m going to the supermarket tomorrow” is useful. “Let me know if I can take your dog for a walk on Saturday, I’ll be in your area” is useful.
In terms of gifts, for me, I like to receive smallish interesting things as opposed to anything that looks like it cost a lot of money and/or time. A grocery bag with a nice lotion, a bag of mini chocolate, a puzzle book, and a trashy magazine is lovely, for example.
I am late to this thread, but it is so heartwarming. Women really are wonderful.
At our previous home, we had the loveliest neighbors (older empty nester couple). When we moved away, things were a little chaotic with three kids and lots of logistical stuff. We cleaned our empty home, but made plans to come back in a week to really get the job done and attend a family event. Our neighbors used our spare key they had and went in and finished cleaning our house! The sweet woman even cleaned our refrigerator! When we came back a week later it was such a treat to have the work done and we were able so spend more time with friends and family. It was amazing.
My husband’s grandmother is a recent widow. He was always a consistent caller, but now he makes a point to video chat her every week and every few months he sends her tons of roses. She doesn’t necessarily enjoy flower, BUT, she absolutely loves giving all her friends flowers from his gift and bragging about her grandson sending her 50 roses. She was so thrilled the first time that he did it, that he just keeps doing it. (You can get surprising affordable roses delivered from Costco).
I find when family members are in a pinch, they appreciate childcare. My kids generally enjoy the company. I’m a full time stay at home parent and it’s nice to have the flexibility to help others in a need. They just drop their kids off at the end of the driveway and I send them running back to the car when required. No small talk required by the stressed parent :)