Three things I am fretful/peevish about today:
• “Friendly reminders,” which is a wording that makes a reminder come across as not only unfriendly but also extremely irritating. Do the people who WRITE “friendly reminder” not feel that same way when they RECEIVE a friendly reminder? Are they perhaps AIMING FOR that effect? The particular one bothering me today is a renewal notice from our city, for something that needs to be renewed in September. They sent me a renewal notice in JUNE, which I had to put aside because it is not even POSSIBLE to do the renewal more than a month before it’s due; and today they have sent me a “friendly reminder” that I haven’t yet renewed it.
• A co-worker keeps suggesting ways I could spend my time. She is not in charge of me in any way. I have not shown any evidence of needing to have tasks suggested to me. The tasks she suggests are not tasks I have neglected, but rather tasks I do automatically as part of my daily routine without being asked/told. She is not suggesting things that are MORE important than what I’m working on (not that it would be her job to evaluate that), or things that are time-sensitive, or things where she can’t do a particular part of her job until I do that particular part of mine. This is not happening at times when I am at loose ends: she interrupts me doing my job to tell me (or worse: HAND to me) a different part of my job I could be doing. It’s hard to respond without sounding defensive: e.g., “I was GOING TO do that.” But…I WAS going to. As I ALWAYS DO, without being prompted by her. Until now, I’ve been just…taking care of the thing she hands me, because the task always IS something that’s part of my job, and because I wondered if I was missing something (I wouldn’t want to Take A Stand and then find out I hadn’t understood a situation and DID need to handle that thing right away), but she is starting to escalate it so I am going to have to escalate, too—to a cheery “Oh, sure, just put that aside and I’ll get to it!,” which is a level of fierce throw-down confrontation it has taken me a couple of weeks to steel myself for. DON’T WANT TROUBLE, DON’T START TROUBLE, CO-WORKER
• Elizabeth is taking an online class over the summer. Twice now, we have readied ourselves for a “student/parent check-in” Zoom meeting with her teacher, and her teacher has not appeared. Both times, I have panicked: maybe it’s something on our end, and the teacher thinks WE are not showing up! And yet—the first time, as we were restarting the computer and re-attempting the link and making sure we’d followed the right link and other assorted trouble-shooting tasks I am sure you are well familiar with by this stage of the pandemic, Elizabeth emailed the teacher about the situation, adding that we didn’t know if the problem was on our end or what but we couldn’t seem to get into the meeting, and the teacher never responded: not at the time, and not later. So when it happened again today, I did still panic, but my panic was tempered by that perplexing detail. Because if I were the teacher, and I HAD shown up for a meeting (especially WITH A PARENT), and the student/parent had seemed not to show up, and then the student had emailed me five minutes after the meeting was supposed to begin, saying that she and her parent were there but the meeting just kept saying it wasn’t starting yet, and that she didn’t know if the problem was on her end, I would certainly have responded—if only to prove that I had been there, and that I wasn’t the one missing the meeting!
Do feel free to add your own peevish frets / fretful peeves.
After reading this, the thing *I* am feeling most peeved about is the audacity of your co-worker.
SAME. But also wth is up with that teacher?
This post from Ask A Manager seems a propos here: https://www.askamanager.org/2012/10/how-to-deal-with-a-bossy-coworker.html
I LOVE Ask A Manager!
Me too! I feel like I’ve internalized her voice haha
Haha! I was just thinking there gad been an AAM about this!
I have a male co-worker (we are in different departments and he has no responsibility over me in any way) who has decided to point out areas that he felt I was failing in. When I showed him the documentation for the process, showing that I was doing the right thing, he elected to escalate to my boss who confirmed I was doing the right thing. And then to the CIO of a 16,000 person company. Multiple times. He has also stated the things I was working on was ridiculous and not at all required and I should be using my time more wisely.
Now he is asking for help because all of those “useless tasks” now directly impact his new job and he now needs my help. After 6 years I have found a new job and cannot wait to give my notice.
I sympathize with you in your work situation. I think your solution is a good one.
Please tell me his “new job” did not involve a promotion. Guys like this make me stabby.
LeighTX – Not a promotion. But I often wonder how he is still empoyed!
1. I hate the “friendly reminders” that usually aren’t friendly and many times before the due date. I don’t need reminders of things that aren’t due.
2. I’m annoyed for you about the co-worker! My response would be: “thank you, I have some daily tasks and that’s part of it, I will do it then.” Using a normal voice, not an aggressive tome. Some people just need boundaries. Also, would mentioned to my manager just for awareness of the situation.
3. I don’t even know what to say about that teacher, besides what a terrible example she’s setting.
I am going to practice that response and see if I can pull it off. It seems perfectly pleasant, yet seems like it would Carry a Message.
I wonder if “Sure, I usually do [task she wants] right after I finish [some other task]” would work, as a similar way to convey, yes, thank you, I do many things here every day!
Peevish: my husband repeatedly “reminding” me to take care of a task I have repeatedly told him is unnecessary. [Him: “Could you call and confirm our water bill is set up to autopay?” Me: “It’s definitely on autopay, and even if it doesn’t get paid on time one month our city doesn’t charge late fees so I’ll see the problem when they send the next bill and fix it then.” Repeat 5x in 2 weeks.] I knew he’s feeling fretful about it, but he’s an adult, he needs to find a better coping mechanism for this particular fretfulness. Like maybe logging into the website to look it up himself.
Definitely logging in to look it up himself.
These things are especially annoying, and all together? Time for a brandy.
My peeves are school related. My child is entering second grade, but we passed the high school today and the marching band was practicing and she and my younger child were both very interested. I had the brilliant thought that maybe we could go to some of the football games (at least homecoming) and they could see the band perform! The school website surely has the date of homecoming listed! AND YET. No. The football schedule is listed, but not which game is actually homecoming. We have only lived here about 8 months, so this must be the kind of thing others assume you know, when I do NOT.
Similarly, the school district recently had an event where you could meet up with the principals at various locations around town, and the locations were SO VAGUE, literally one of them was a vacant lot. No addresses given. I had to choose the one at her actual school, because I could not locate any of the other listed locations on a map. Again, I assume people who have lived here a while might be familiar, but we live a bit outside town and have only done so for 8 months!
It drives me UP A TREE when I can’t find information about things I should absolutely be able to find information on. Our school’s website has a calendar, but do they put things on it? DO THEY HELL.
This! This is a job I feel particularly well suited for – checking websites. Maybe website content consultant? I can’t say how many times I have gone looking for the DATES for things and they are NOT on the website! What the actual what? grrr
Conveyed so well by xkcd dot com/773 – a venn diagram reproduced all over the web so almost everyone has seen it except the people responsible for school websites, it seems.
Re co-worker. I am NOT as sweet as you are. I’ve also been working for myself for years as a real estate agent so don’t take to Unsolicited advise unless it suits me. I ran into this at my “other” job years ago. The woman lacked self esteem and just plain envied me. Perhaps this is the case with you. My response without looking up from my work or while turning back to do my work would be, ” just put it over there and I will get to it later….” (work, work, work without looking up)
Of course, MY actual comment would be, hand on hip, “don’t you have something better to do than to direct me? Off with you, Woman!”
I am having a ton of fun imagining using your actual comment on this co-worker!!
Super frustrating about the teacher’s lack of response! When we were online schooling we also had a set time for the teacher to be available for any class questions. Like once a week for half an hour let’s say. wonder if that’s available? Anyways, seeing as how your query seems pretty important, even if only to say there was a mix up, I truly hope you get a reply!
YES, and she HAS been there for those when Elizabeth has stopped by. So I’m even wondering if something went wrong early on and these particular appointments didn’t get on her calendar or something?
I freaking HATE those comments about your daily tasks. My midwestern passive aggressiveness skills usually lead me to do a cheery “Don’t worry, it’s already on the list!” as if I had a list and they are pointing out something that is already on it, even if i don’t have an actual list. It makes the point that I know what I’m doing, have looked at the best way to do it, and am doing it in the way I have chosen. I don’t know if it would work in people who aren’t in the culture of people who respond that kind of subtle dig, though!
OOh this is a good response. Polite and pointed!
I have a coworker who does this sort of thing to me as well, only it’s actually my boss. This is why I’m currently job-searching.
ohhhhhhh noooooooooo I would be tooooooooo
Oh I like that, and I am interested to see if she is someone who can hear that language.
I particularly like “Don’t Worry!” But I’d have a hard time saying it politely and not sarcastically.
OOh I like this and have used it. It’s on my list seems to work well…(and I do often have lists). I did have a co-worker years and years ago ask to see that list…I walked back to my desk, wrote it down on a piece of paper and said “there”. She sulked or pouted or whatever but she didn’t ask anymore. Of course unfortunately our relationship was a bit strained after that.
Here is my fret. On Wednesday, school starts here, but in my mind, I am sending off my kid to catch COVID (too young to be vaccinated). He did last year all remotely and was an emotional wreck by the end of the year. I don’t think his mental health could handle that again. I told him I’d like him to wear a mask in the classroom. Our a-hole governor has prevented school districts from determining their own policies about this. How difficult will it be to keep on a mask when probably a lot of kids won’t be wearing them and the teacher probably won’t? I have no idea. So at this point I just think, oh please, may his case be mild. ARGH!!!!
I wonder if we have the same a-hole governor! I am sending two children off to two different schools so that they can mask around their unmasked peers and bring Covid home. They were home for 16 months and I just can’t do it to them anymore—they need a peer group off screen. So I commiserate totally and I keep hoping for a last minute lawsuit to challenge the jerk in Phoenix who is dooming us to another year of uncertainty.
That’s the a-hole! Sending you a masked virtual hug (or fist bump, if you prefer) of solidarity.
At least the Phoenix Union High School district took a stand against Douchey Ducey. My kids started Monday at a fully masked high school. But they (all vaccinated, and one had COVID last year so double immunity?) reported that as soon as kids left a building, masks were being pulled off. There are SO MANY teacher and school worker vacancies, it’s been a real cluster. I don’t envy anyone who has to work in the school system right now.
Just a side note: our school district pulled a last minute Hail Mary and mandated masks yesterday. So at least my kids started today with everyone around them masked! Fret: no school bus drivers so the district is counting on parents…gonna be a long year of driving three kids at three schools. Crossing my fingers that they don’t get sick, but two are under age 12 so I am preparing for the worst.
The jerk in Tallahassee is doing the same thing to us. The vaccine approval for kids can’t come soon enough. Fortunately, my kids are in a science charter school that would like to require masks again this year. The teachers have said ‘let us know if you’re requiring your child to wear a mask and we’re happy to remind them.’ Its better than nothing and I so appreciate their willingness to wade in to this mess.
ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
My 14yo son has already been in braces 11 months longer than anticipated and we just arrived for our latest appointment where they informed me that at some point he lost/removed all the wires and ties from his top teeth??? He did not bother to mention any issues to me and I despair at the thought of having to be micromanaging my teen’s orthodontia (don’t even get me started on oral hygiene). Grrrr.
Our old orthodontist used to “yell” at me when the kids didn’t wear their rubber bands or brush their teeth well enough. Like to the point that I refused to take them to appointments. (She never ever said a peep to my husband) In fact, we moved this past year, and we delayed phase 2 an extra year so that I didn’t have to deal with it. They aren’t even my teeth. I really think it would be much more effective for her to complain to the kids instead of me.
I am laughing at this with appalled horror. THE WIRES/TIES WERE GONE
Omg while my 13 yo was at camp I went in his appalling mess of a room to look for contraband plates/cups (and found a bunch!) and also found… one half of his retainer. He had not mentioned losing or breaking the other half. It was just gone. When he returned from camp we read him the riot act and had a new half made but micromanaging orthodontia is also not my idea of a fun time.
I signed my toddler up for a music and movement class at my local park district. When we arrived, there was a young guy sitting on the floor next to a pile of toys. He said nothing. I asked if we were in the right place, he said yes. After a few other kids arrived, he started playing Cocomelon songs on his phone … and that was it. He said nothing and did nothing. How is that a “music and movement” class?
I’m sure that was incredibly annoying, but since I didn’t have to deal with it and my bored kid I am laughing. I am imagining a scenario where they grabbed a guy from the back file room and told him they needed him to do the class. “But, I’m a file clerk. I don’t know anything about kids classes.” “Just take these toys and play some music. It will be fine.”
I WANT THIS TO BE WHAT HAPPENED
I know this isn’t helpful but I have this joy and I don’t know where else to put it: my coworker of 16 years who was like this daily as well as a complete time vampire sucking away hours of my time with pointless chat at work even after I directly told her I was busy and couldn’t longer chat AND who was my boss’s favorite so I could do nothing about, RETIRED FRIDAY! I went work today with the lightest heart I’ve had since the mid 2000s. IT WAS GLORIOUS
This is a WONDERFUL DEVELOPMENT!!
I hate ‘friendly reminders’. You don’t get to tell me that you’re being friendly, that’s up to me to assess!
YES.
I agree with everyone else that I am now peeved at your co-worker. I am a big fan of “Don’t worry it’s on the list!” I also wonder is there enough of a chain of command at the library that next time she does this you could reply with a friendly but surprised “Oh! Did Supervisor ask you to bring me this/ ask you to tell me to do this?” You could say this with some confusion so it hopefully won’t sound defensive but will put her back on her heels to acknowledge it is not her role to give you tasks and also hopefully send her the message that you take direction from Supervisor, not her.
As for peeves of my own it feels like every activity I plan this summer goes wrong in some way. We get rained out, we go back into lockdown (we live overseas so we have been in and out of lockdown all summer) and today I was excited to take the kids on a go-kart outing only to get there and realize I had the wrong day. Argh. So I guess I am mostly peeved at myself. And covid.
Oh the hovering! Of all the situations in which I Don’t Want Company, the hovering to tell me how to do my job is one of the worst.
“Did [our mutual boss] send you with that message? Or are you telling me how to do my job?”
Hahaaa, I am just FULL of “peevish frets / fretful peeves” at all times.
Re friendly reminders, hubby and I have a running joke about the phrase “Have a nice day,” which is used so universally and innocuously as to be meaningless. “Have a nice day??” we pretend to fume, “MAKE ME!!”
Many good suggestions about the co worker. I especially like the suggestions that carry the implication that she is in fact wrong about what needs to be done when. Doing what she says will only encourage her, but I understand the need to steel oneself for such a confrontation!
Ooh, I do have a related peeve. We moved in March to a neighborhood that has a voluntary HOA. We declined to join, despite several persistent neighbors. Then last week one of the officers emailed us (subject line: “Wondering!” sure you are) to see if we had reconsidered whether to join. No thank you. But hubby decided to write them a check for the same amount as the dues, without joining. He says since we can see their landscaping from our house, we should contribute. Which, ok, BUT this will only encourage them! They will be back for us, mark my words!!
Oh, all of these are infuriating. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this.
People have made great suggestions for responses to your coworker. Do try those. But if the comments don’t work, it might be worth sitting down with your coworker at a neutral time to say, “I notice that you seem very worried about my daily tasks. Can you help me understand why you are worried and why you want me to do my tasks in a different order?” Direct conversations like this are very hard for me. But I teach in a STEM field and work with students and colleagues who struggle with social cues; for them, direct language is best. You can see if your coworker falls into this category.
To cover your bases, you might want to have a conversation with your supervisor first. “I wanted to see if you have any feedback for me about how I’m doing at work. Have there been any changes during the COVID time when I was away that impact my daily tasks?” [wait and see what supervisor says] “Okay, thank you. I appreciate the feedback.” [if you are feeling bold or if your coworker escalates] “Each day, I have a plan for when and how to do my tasks. I have been receiving feedback from coworkers who are asking me to do my tasks in a different order than I planned. Should I change my plans to accommodate coworker requests or do I have your support in sticking with my plans?” There’s no need to name names, but you can make sure that you have the support of your boss.
I once had a co-worker tell me how to do my job, which was a brand new position that she knew nothing about, because how could she? No one knew! It was a new position! But I had been hired because the people in charge thought I could figure out how to be useful.
So when Random came in and told me how to do my job, I essentially told her I would not be doing that unless someone higher up the org chart asked me to, and then I told my actual boss — naming no names — that I’d received feedback that I should do X but didn’t plan to because Y, unless there was a Z I hadn’t considered.
And my boss said she knew who had talked to me because Random had talked to her, too, and my boss had likewise shut her down. So that was gratifying, and my boss also said that if I ever thought I needed to do something differently, I should talk to her because in fact people were very happy with my work, and that was even more gratifying.
So there we are — your point, illustrated with true drawings from life.
*I* use the term “friendly reminder” in my emails and now I feel terrible that it’s been coming across as irritating/unfriendly. I meant it to convey that the thing I was reminding them of was not a big deal at all, just something to be aware of for next time, like new coding on their timecard that they had missed doing, or something small like that. :(
I tend to use “just a nudge” for situations like this, maybe I am also transgressing!
Hmmm I think I would bristle at that phrase even if I felt it was really well-intentioned? Trying to work out what I would say instead – maybe ‘just a quick heads up’ or a ‘hey, no huge deal but…’
Yep, it sounds like no one likes to be reminded at their job no matter what, haha!
This is one of the issues with communication, isn’t it! I can totally see how people could use it perfectly innocently, with the best intentions, thinking they’re actually being friendly. And I can see how people could take it in the same way.
I personally dislike that particular phrase, but I’m well aware that there have been times when I have thought I was being light and non-bossy and it’s come across completely differently to the recipient. I can think of a couple examples off the top of my head, and no doubt there are more that I’m not even aware of.
(my attempted tone here is sympathetic and non-patronising, for the record!)
I’m currently peeved about the personalised present I ordered from a small business (but through a larger portal, Etsy-style) as a thank you gift for my son’s daycare keyworker as he moves up to a new room. It was supposed to arrive by Friday… so we’ve now had 4 posts since it was due to arrive and nada. And the seller was so vague and unhelpful in her response! He’s been in his new room since Monday so every day that passes makes the lack of gift more and more awkward, and even if I start afresh and order something new, it won’t arrive before we leave on a camping/holiday trip on Thursday evening. I am SO IRKED. But also don’t quite know what to do. Is it too much to ask the seller to pay for 24 hour delivery, for example? Maybe I need to put ‘friendly reminder’ in the email header…
I hadn’t realized that a Friendly Reminder was so annoying. [I usually send that in message about the tedious paperwork things that my staff forget to do, like filling out timesheets or expense reports by a deadline. Not something that’s critical to the main function of their jobs (not a huge deal in my mind either), but reminders are needed when they miss a deadline.] Will look for alternate phrasing!
I use “friendly reminder” when things are past due, and I have no authority to actually enforce the deadline. And because “Reminder: I know you don’t care about this thing but I have to bother you about it” is ah, not generally accepted. But in these cases, I do mean it passive aggressively because I am being put in a position to hold people accountable to things that do not actually matter to them. I welcome any other suggestions, as I am in this situation incredibly often.
Currently fretting about my office’s return-to-office plan. Just … all of it.