I have sent the last of the Galentine’s Day care packages, and it seems perfect that it is one month exactly after Galentine’s Day. I am trying to be happy than it happened rather than sad that it’s over, but last night while making dinner I was talking to Paul about how I could just keep sending packages forever. It was just very, very fun.
I’ve seen other people mentioning that their faces have noticeably aged this past year, and it was a relief to know I was in good company. This morning I peered at my face in the mirror: was the skin EVEN MORE delicate/fragile/crinkly-looking today than yesterday?? I did one of the face masks (remember when that meant a beauty treatment? that is how I mean it here) that build up in the medicine cabinet because it never seems like enough of a special occasion to use them, and it was a fun peeling gold-glittery one, and I would say it made a 0% difference but it was pretty fun to hope for 20 minutes there while it dried. Peeling it was also fun, and made me want to put Elmer’s glue on my hands.
I keep writing this paragraph and deleting it, because it keeps sounding so stupid to me, but what has happened is that I have several favorite walking routes that all include a certain stretch of road, and I’ve had to stop doing those routes because of some guy who keeps talking to me. He seems friendly/harmless, heading for Lonely Chatty Older Man territory, but I should never have taken off my headphones the first time he said something, because now he wants to chat for an extended period every time we cross paths, which is pretty much any day I use that part of the road, even if I go at a different time. It’s a little extra difficult because he has a dog with him who wants to say hi, too, and he will let the dog off its leash to come run to greet me, and then he follows. I see him talking to lots of other people, women and men also, so I get more lonely vibes from him than creeper vibes—but I am not even talking to my FRIENDS in person right now, so I don’t want to talk to a relative stranger. But I feel upset about losing the walking routes, and upset that somehow even by my age I couldn’t/didn’t stop this from happening. I get stuck ALL THE TIME talking to strangers/acquaintances because I can’t seem to say “Welp, gotta go, see ya, have a good day!” and walk away, and I feel like the visibly aging skin goes with someone who should be able to do that. But also: today I DID say “Well, see you later, have a good day!” and walked away, and he walked with me, so now I am more angry at him than angry at myself, but I’m still losing the walking routes because I don’t really have anything between the level of what I did today and the yelling/pepper-spray level.
I have so much more gray hair these days. I was graying more slowly than average until Donald Trump came along, and then one by one my sad little hair follicles said “Why should we make nice red hair when this buffoon is in the Oval Office?” I bet I have one for every incompetent cabinet member he appointed, plus another 40 just for Bill Barr. I won’t even guess how many of them are COVID-related, but there are plenty to go around.
Girl, same!!!! (I’m not cool enough to pull off a “girl, same”, but yes, I can TOTALLY relate!).
Why can’t/won’t people take the “I don’t want to talk and I sure as hell DID NOT invite you to walk with me” hint? And why is it SO OFTEN dudes? Why?
I’m sorry about your walking route. Ours are getting dicey because the weather is getting better so more people. Amd these people are of the clueless, let’s not move, let’s attempt this 40’ long boardwalk that’s less then 3’ wide while people are on it coming at us! variety. Ugh.
Argh, I feel you about losing the walking route! I used to secure free parking about 1 kilometer from work – a nice pleasant walk. Until, one day a friendly/harmless/lonely/chatty male colleague realized that he ALSO parked in that neighbourhood and would honest to God WAIT FOR ME to pull up, EVERY SINGLE DAY, and accompany me on the walk to work. It just RUINED the entire thing for me. And I wish I had a great story on how I had an Grown Up Conversation (“I really value this time by myself, thank you”), or Clever Timing, or something else that solved the problem…but alas, I ended up switching to taking the train to work!
I’m neighbors with that guy! He has a comment for me each time I go to and from my car. “Got some groceries?” Yep. “Did you get some good mail?” Nope. “Home from work?” YES. He is also harmless/lonely, but I still find it annoying. And he tries really hard to be kind, which evens it out a little. When my daughter graduated, we all stood in the front yard posing for pictures with her in her cap and gown (he is in the background of the pictures), and later on he came over with a gift for her, which he clearly pulled out of his own junk drawer, but it was still kind. Anyway, when I am walking, I purposely do not go the direction of his house because he will trap me there, just as he does anyone else who comes by. I also put my headphones in and pretend not to hear him saying hi.
I think I may have to stop walking around my own cul de sac because one of the people in my neighborhood shamed me for wearing a mask the other day and I just can’t/don’t want to deal with that.
Which is to say I SO GET your reaction and helplessness and desire to stop walking those routes even though it is NOT FAIR. I would have no good solution in your shoes and I have no good solution in my own shoes and I wish people were NOT SO INTRUSIVE and would ADHERE TO THE SOCIAL CONTRACT and most of all would STOP RUINING OTHER PEOPLE’S PERFECTLY GOOD WALKING ROUTES OMG.
I’m so sorry that a neighbor, of all people, felt compelled to try and shame you for doing what you should!
I’m sorry. I hope you find a way to resolve it and keep your walks. I’m trying to figure out how to handle this so I model something functional for my tiny girls, but my skills go “subtle cues”, “cheerful honesty”, _______?!?!, “move across the country”.
Okay, I am not sure, but could you explicitly say “I know it’s very helpful to some people to have people talk to them while they’re walking, since so many people don’t have much human contact right now, but personally I’ve got [how many?] people in my house all the time, so I value solitary walks in the fresh air.” If you are an introvert (I am such an introvert), you could add that information and How Introverts Work vs. How Extroverts Work and how neither of these things is bad and all that.
I get the difficulty, though, and have often felt that tension myself. We are not well-equipped to say no; some people are not well-equipped to understand the word “no” and this is a real problem even when it is not a violence-safety issue (but: it’s also a problem there, and it’s not a disconnected problem). And it’s *good* to help out neighbors and such with their social gaps, as with their other random needs, to the degree it’s reasonable for us to do so, but sometimes it does not work (like sometimes you maybe have time to shovel the neighbor’s path as well as your own, while they’re laid up with a sprained ankle, and sometimes you do not). And we should be able to not-have those ones? I think?
I know in theory you can just tell people like that to f off. But it’s very hard to do that in practice. I have a neighbor who is super annoying and always wants to chat. I’ve been pretending to be on the phone if I notice she’s outside. That works pretty well.
Was about to comment the same! If you want to avoid the confrontation, pretending to be on the phone works like a charm. Even if they talk to you, you can smile and point apologetically to the phone and then ignore them
Yes! Pretending to be on the phone has worked for me.
I’m sorry – I know I wouldn’t want to be accosted by anyone either – during a pandemic or not. It sounds like this guy lives alone and is seeking out some kind of contact. Unfortunately, he decided you fit the bill. I agree, that pretending you are on the phone, having a VERY intense conversation, might dissuade him.
OH! *I got sidetracked by the guy* YES! I have seen myself age right before my eyes. And I’m NOT pleased at all.
I have a neighbour two doors down – a man who just turned 70 – and he’s a GREAT neighbour and a GOOD person and OMG DOES HE ALWAYS HAVE TO TALK TO ME FOR EXTENDED LENGTHS OF TIME. I know he is a very lonely person, and I TRY to be compassionate and kind but JESUS H SOMETIMES I AM IN A HURRY AND I DO NOT HAVE 20 MINUTES TO TALK ABOUT WHAT THE CITY IS DOING FOR SNOW REMOVAL. Just yesterday, another neighbour called me in a panic about something a delivery person left on her front step, so I ran over to her house to deal with it and I was walking quickly back to my house, in order to call her back right away because she was stressed. Well, didn’t I see Other Neighbour shambling towards me, wanting to talk. I said “Hi, sorry I can’t chat, I was just checking on something for T and have to call her right away” and then I felt BAD. Why do I have to feel bad about that? Hilariously, my husband and younger son had gone for a walk and when they got back like 45 mins later they mentioned they had just spent 20 mins talking to that neighbour, so I guess he got his conversation from our house after all.
When my son was born I took to taking walks each day with him in the stroller. Exercise for me, plus I got out of the house. My favorite walking path took me past a house where an elderly man was often doing yard work. We exchanged pleasant conversation for maybe five or six days- he was friendly and English was not his first language. Then one day he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him, in his garage. I was so taken aback that all I could do was hold out my left hand and say “I’m married” and gesture towards my 8 week old son in the stroller. I quickly left, and for the past 13 years since I either avoid that area ( but it is a great walk!) or pretend to be on my phone when I walk by on the opposite side of the street. It was…..very disconcerting!
THIS IS HORRIBLE! I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I don’t hear random men trying to talk to me. I’m just deaf to them. Just like I’m deaf to whiney kids. I’m ok being called a bitch.
Men (and it’s 99% of the time men) using women’s time/ attention as their resource in 2021. It makes me want to scream. I too have this neighbor and he avoids my husband so I do think he’s a creep. I know when he takes his walks and I have learned to go inside if I’m doing yard work. I have no advice but I’m sorry your walk is ruined.
Your comment makes me wonder if he’d stop you if Paul were walking with you. Or even one of your teenaged sons. This could be an interesting experiment. Not that you necessarily want them walking with you, either.
I also find that looking like I’m seriously working out is a good way to escape. Like, I put on my power walking elbows and pick up a little speed and give a friendly wave and smile as I scoot by kind of thing when I want to avoid a chatty neighbor. Maybe toss in a “Nice to see you, gotta get in those steps!” over my shoulder.
I’m sorry your walk was ruined. I am also noticeably older. My eyelids have started drooping.
My eyelids have also started drooping, but only one, and now I have a small benign growth on the side of my nose. I am literally turning into a D*sney crone. I think I’m gonna embrace it.
Yes to the speed walking! I was thinking something similar, like maybe if Swistle jogged past the area where the Annoying Man was, it would deter him. Call it interval training. :)
Can I just say how normal this comment section is making me feel? I have always avoided getting into protracted conversations with people because of my hearing loss. Neighbors who wanted to chat from their yard, when I’m too far away to read their lips, were the bane of my existence.
These are our people! In one convenient location. It is awesome.
Insistent Chatty men are not awesome.
Would headphones work, plus the mantra, “I’m not being rude, HE’S being rude”? Easier to point to headphones than to a phone call each time, maybe.
I don’t know about the dog. Dogs don’t acknowledge headphones.
BIG headphones. Borrow from whichever child has the largest, most obvious ones. Earbuds are too easily “not noticed”.
Plus sunglasses. Do not make eye contact. Do not stop to pet the dog. Tough luck, doggo.
I’ve aged at least five years since March 2020. It is jaw-dropping.
I just ran across a photo of myself that was taken a month before the pandemic, and it was startling to see the difference between then and now. Has this phenomenon been studied? Do we really rapid age in times of severe stress?
I’ve aged and gained weight faster than ever this past year. I’d be interested if anyone does know about any studies on the effects of stress.
We must. Look at the before-and-after photos of every President.
In my 20s I stopped taking a bus to work that stopped right outside my house because a very distant work acquaintance started talking to me on the bus every morning. I know that makes me sound like an awful person but I’m not a morning person and I couldn’t face the prospect of making polite chat with this dude every day, five days a week, for who knows how long. I started walking several blocks away to take a totally different bus route. What I’m saying is that I totally understand the walking route aggravation.
Also related: my friends used to call me a freak magnet because strange/slightly off dudes would inevitably be drawn to me: on busses, on trains, at parks, in clubs, everywhere so I basically stopped talking to anyone I didn’t know in public. Sigh.
I wonder if it’d be worthwhile faking a sneezing fit, or a coughing fit. Ooh! I know. You’re a creative person, surely you could fake some OOZING PUSTULES on your arms and throat!
……..I realise this wouldn’t drive away all men.
(This is one of those few times when “not all men” is actually appropriate.)
Oh wow I’m sorry. Okay my Grandpa who I loved dearly and was completely harmless was very much like what you are describing and heres the thing- nothing you could say could deter him. Lol. So changing walking routes is probably best and thats what I’d do too! He probably is lonely, bless his heart, BUT geez it does get annoying. We used to have Jehovah witnesses come and I was nice to them (bc that’s the appropriate way to act- blah) and then I swear they started coming every single week. I have 5 kids. I did not have time for this nonsense. I was finally super rude and told them to take me off the route FOREVER and it took multiple attempts but they haven’t been back. (But also covid happened so I may get an unpleasant surprise here shortly). I also wonder where you live and how soon you will think you will be vaccinated? My county is currently doing anyone who works and in fact basically begging people to sign up bc we have so many vaccines. It’s wonderful and I do feel like we are mostly back to normal, but with masks still. I’m a stay at home mom, but I called and they had so many apptmts they let me schedule and get the J&J last week.
I have aged an astonishing amount in the last 2 years. I mostly put it down to having a house that flooded 3 times in the space of a single year, a rat infestation in the walls of said house and then not being able to spend a single night away from aforementioned rat-infested flooding house over the last 12 months. But it could equally be the 21 month old who is absolutely nowhere near sleeping through the night and enjoys starting his day at 5am… or it could be the pandemic itself, or all the fears and anxieties and anger and grief I’m carrying around over the wider world.
Oof. That got dark quickly! I’ve upped my skin-care game to thinks with retinoids and hyalluronic (?) acid. Cant say I’ve noticed much of a difference so far.
As for the friendly old man, this is where what I liked to call my natural ‘fuck-off face’ comes in handy. Apparently I’m forbidding without even realising?
Oh and I’ve just realised we have our own version of your neighbour – his name is Norman. My husband is regularly ‘Normaned’ as we call it, but I never have been. He’s very sweet and kind and lonely, in his 80s, lives alone. But his anecdotes are so bizarre and rambling and impossible to escape from! My husband (who is American, we’re in the UK) gets all his American-themed chat including the life story of his rich brother who lived in Florida and every extended family member of the rich brother… a pair of young neighbours of ours live between us and Norman. They broke lockdown rules last year (in April when things were very strict) and had a friend and a fire pit in their garden. 2 days later I saw they’d been trapped in their garden talking to Norman for 90 straight minutes and it felt like karma.
Hi Swistle,
Can you walk in the same direction as Lonely Man so your chances of meeting are diminished? How about an exploration of other neighborhoods? I love walking by houses and looking at landscaping and front door decorations. I would suggest, walk to the area of town with antique homes and explore. Wish I could walk with you. I’m now fully vaccinated!
P.S. You look fabulous! You will never look older than me! XXOO
OMG. I am so mad at that guy. It’s SO hard finding a good walking route. Now you have to dread a section of your path instead of just living your life! I am astounded he walked with you. I truly hate that men feel they have the right to come and speak to me when I’m minding my own business. When I was in my 20s and living in a Big City, I was reading a book while waiting for my train (pre smart phone days), and a man came to talk to me. During the first pause in his unwelcomed monologue, I said politely that I didn’t want to talk because I wanted to read my book. And he had the audacity to ask what it was like being such a b*tch all the time. I started yelling loudly at him that I was there first and to leave me alone. It was satisfying. He was shocked and then I was scared of what he would do so I moved to a populated part of the platform. It still makes me shaky mad when I think about it. While living the city life in my 20s I learned the value of being willing to yell and make a scene if I felt unsafe around men. It is truly awful to do, but it worked for me to get rid of creeps in a hurry. I wonder if you could create such an awkward situation with that guy that he’d want to avoid you. That’s the dream scenario. It’s terrifying, but maybe worth it? Tell he is making you uncomfortable and you don’t like talking to him. Maybe he’d be so mortified he’d run away.
It’s comforting to read all these comments.
I used to walk, bike, and run past this one guy who lived in my neighborhood and he always made snarky/ harassing comments about me and my kids if they were with me.
Once when the girls were with me and he said something I went full on mama bear and yelled in a low voice “don’t you EVER talk to my children again” and once when I was running alone I stopped by him and said in the same low loud voice “do not talk to me again or I will kick your ass” I honestly have no idea where that came from I am middle aged and 5’4” and have never hit anyone.
I know your guy is not actually harassing you in this way. We also have another neighbor who is a grown man with autism and he enjoys chatting and asking weird questions usually about numbers and remembers the answers. He totally lacks social cues. We did learn his mom taught him that if someone says they need to go make dinner that he needs to leave. His parents are now deceased and he has caregivers who help him with the social cues even more.
I actually don’t have advice— just commiseration .
I’ve had this interaction. Vigorous wave, speed walk, “I’m walking for speed today!” and then don’t stop and don’t slow down. And repeat loudly every time. Eventually he’ll stop. I’m always amazed at how direct and loud I need to be with older men. Or avoid. Avoidance or time change is legit.
Uggh, that neighbor! I would walk briskly by him and be the first to speak or speak loudly over him–“Nice day for a walk!” or “Out for a walk!” or “Good to be outside!”. Then just keep walking and don’t engage in a conversation. Do this every time, and eventually just nod his way and never say a word. That’s not okay for him to ruin your walk.
Otherwise, wear headphones and when you see him maybe nod his way, and just keep walking. If he speaks, ignore him, you don’t owe him a conversation.
I remind myself often that not every question has to be answered. If he starts following you, I would repeatedly say “No thank you! … No thank you!” It works well if panhandlers or solicitors are bugging me. And it doesn’t matter what they say or ask, they (usually) eventually leave me alone.
Whoa. You gals are making my dead end, graveled, completely devoid of humanity road look pretty good. Mostly I walk the perimeter of my acre and a half wildflower field/pollinator habitat. As for aging it’s hard to know much about the pace, as I have achieved the age of falling apart in chunks, as opposed to smaller increments. I know my hair is grayer. And thinner. And I am viewing this as a problem as losing hair has for years been a sign that it’s time to re-assess dosages for a maintenance med that I have been on for decades and what will I do when there’s no more hair to lose and oh! Woe is me! You know. Fretting as one does. No requirement for it to be logical. Free form fretting! I have skilz!
Yes, I’ve visibly aged this year, and so have all the folks I have video meetings with. It’s definitely a THING.
The old guy on your walk PISSES ME OFF. My one and only thought is to say to him, “I don’t generally have the time to chat and I have 7 people in my house so this is my only alone time, and I know that you probably have too much alone time, but I don’t have it in me to be your daily conversation companion. I hope you understand.” It probably won’t work. And it’s annoying that you have to say it at all when he should KNOW.
If you feel generous towards him, send one of your chore-avoidant sons down to him with snacks and dog treats, and task THEM to chat with him for an hour. Or am I being petty?
I had to drop an afternoon walking route around my office (back when I went to the office) because it took me by a daycare where a young child would pin me down and chatter at me for ages. What kind of a monster walks away from a three-year-old, right? So I would take my headphones out and nod at her while she discussed trucks or whatever and then try to step away, but she’d keep talking, so then I’d look at the caregiver pleadingly but she would just smile placidly (probably relieved that someone else was being talked at) and the entire thing was Too Much when all I wanted was a few minutes of fresh air to clear my brain. There was no winning. I had to drop the route, which was otherwise perfect.
THIS kind of monster. I have no compunctions about telling young children no when they try to demand my time. Especially other people’s children, but sometimes even my own, depending on the circumstances.
I also say “no” when kids ask if they can pet my dog. They are brought up short because they are clearly expecting me to say yes, but my dog is a rescue and can get very freaked out being approached by enthusiastic strangers.
I’m always glad in a way when people say no about their dogs. It shows that I’m doing the right thing / modelling the right thing / getting my kids to do the right thing in asking first. Because some dogs have very understandable, genuine issues, and they deserve to be left alone when they need it. Same as humans!
(…I would like to say that segue back onto the main topic of Swistle’s post was intentional, but alas, I am not that clever.)
Could you jog for a block to avoid the guy? You can shout “I’m trying interval running to improve fitness. Gotta stay on track.”
Interval running is a real thing – run a minute, walk a minute, adding to the run time while keeping the walk the same. It’s a great way to build up to running.
I did not read all the comments so maybe someone already suggested just…being honest? And saying kindly, I’m so sorry, but I use this time to meditate/think/zone out, and I’m not up for chatting. Thanks though! And if he persists, stop and say, No really, I don’t want to talk. Have a nice day!
Ugh with the rapid aging thing. Somebody at work found some picture albums of holiday parties, fun potlucks, friendly sports matches, etc from the Before Times. The one thing that everyone commented on was how much we’ve aged in just this past year.
I lost about 1/3 of my hair in the spring due to the extreme stress (I work in a hospital OR and the fear of exposure, all the uncertainties, the rapidly changing rules and protocols, the reduced hours when we shut down and then extended hours when we opened back up minus all the people who quit out of fear, etc) I have long hair and the shower drain was constantly clogged with it. And get this – it did start growing back (thankfully) but all the new hair is white! So now I have long straight brown hair with short white kinky hairs sticking out everywhere, which is just… awesome. I considered coloring it but then I decided screw it – I earned my Pandemic Hair and at this point I really don’t care what people think about the way I look. Compared to this I consider the sagging eye skin, the weird skin bumps and deepening wrinkles to be minor.
I don’t drink or smoke and I exercise regularly and get around 8 hours of sleep a night, and am blessed with good genetics, so people’s jaws drop when I say I’ll be 49 this year (most people guess me in my mid-30s).
Even so, I spend a fair bit of time in the backyard in the summer and I’ve definitely noticed that my face no longer tans evenly and I get a bit mottled looking. I don’t have that going on right now in the waning days of winter, but I have noticed chin hairs in the last year, and bit of a wattle and jowls forming. This is probably not helped by the fact that my camera for teleconferences is below where my chin sits so I’m always looking downwards a little. Plus I lost 35 pounds last year and it seems like my skin doesn’t just shrink back like it used to. I’ve noticed a few grey hairs on my head, but nothing to complain about once I look at my husband who’s 3 years younger and how much more noticeable the grey is getting on his head and in his beard. His friend who was born the same day as him is now fully grey.
I forgot to weigh in on the walk thing!
Count me as another person who people think of as assertive; as someone who’d tell the guy that I really used my walks for solitude to recharge. And I’d like to think of myself that way too, but the fact is I’d probably either just chat with him or change routes. No one needs the stress that would come from working oneself up for such a confrontation these days.
I have dealt with the exact same problem except that, untypically it seems, my “assailant” was a woman. Clearly lonely and wanted someone to talk at, not to be confused with talk to, as she clearly wanted an audience for her monologue, not a two-way conversation. I had success smiling & waving vigorously, but not reducing my pace and only looking at her until I’d passed by, not looking backward over my shoulder, despite insistent shouting. There was no crisis or emergency, mind, just her delusion that her need for contact was more important than my need for a pleasant walk. I felt bad about it until I began to think of it in those terms. I also came to the conclusion that there are plenty of bored, lonely people in our neighborhood & one of them would make a better target.
Also, crossing over to the opposite side of the street made a world of difference, as any self-aware person feels like a crazy person shouting across a street. I’m thinking that might be particularly effective with the dog. What responsible dog-owner would let a dog off leash & send it running across a street?
Also also, it’s very enlightening to read everyone else’s thoughtful suggestions
This comment section has been so soothing to read through, just to hear from so many like-minded and sympathetic-to-Swistle’s-plight people. Swistle and readers, you are all collectively the best people. Thank you for being a place of sanity always, but especially this year <3
I’ve tried to put the TikTok addiction I got during Covid to good use, and found my way to skincare TikTok. All the things that used to sound like boring gobbledygook- salicylic acid, glycolic acid, hyaluronic acid, vitamin c, retinol, caffeine (and finding the cheapest versions of them)… are now all very important parts of a regime that distracts me from everyday life
I turned 60 at the end of last year, but I’ve always gotten comments on how young I look-even though I let my hair go gray years ago. I had one person say “I thought you dyed it that color!”. Ummm…not sure why someone my age would do that, but thanks?
This past year? Zoom literally squelched any vanity I might have had. Now with in person learning, all I can see with a mask on is the wrinkles at the corner of my eyes, which don’t bother me that much because they are from smiling and laughing. Yet my mask frames them-so it is all I see. I also have the heavy eyelids, they are genetic-but the droop is considerable.
Add on to the fun, I am breaking out like crazy from wearing a mask! So I have the old lady stuff, and the puberty acne. Heavy sigh!
Wrinkles AND zits are a horrible, unfair combination and I’m right there with you.
By sheer happenstance, I bought some Actual Grown Up Skin Care Products from Eve’s BFF’s step-grandmother just before Covid started, and I think my skin actually looks better. I didn’t wear a lot of makeup before, but I usually used a bit of concealer/BB cream every day and now I don’t, partly because masks and partly because I don’t feel like I need it. So my face is okay. Everything else has gone to absolute shit.