Something odd was going on at our McDonald’s this morning. (I warn you this does not turn out to be an interesting story.) Normally there is a steady line for the drive-through plus plenty of cars in the parking lot; this morning the parking lot was empty except for a few cars in the employee area, and I was the only one in the drive-through. Hash browns were listed as $2.00 but rang up at $2.19. The clerk didn’t give me my change, which I decided not to discuss as (1) it was a matter of a few cents, (2) she had already closed the drawer and walked off, and I was not sure we could successfully recreate the transaction without more time and hassle than those cents were worth, (3) there was room to believe it was a misunderstanding and/or my fault (I was digging for payment in the change compartment in dim light, and may have given her different coins than I thought I did; she may in fact have received too few coins but decided not to pursue it), and (4) when she returned to the window, she coughed in a way that made me think it was probably best not to receive coins from her hand. There was egg on the Sausage McMuffin Without Egg, and a half-inch stack of napkins in the bag when normally they give me one single napkin. It was all a little odd.
Last night I dreamed that I had a job at a coffee/doughnut place (I did work at such a place for awhile in high school), and that it was discovered that a male employee had doodled the first name of a female employee along with his own last name. This was seen by all as completely charming, and the woman in question was sought out so we could share the news. But she was not into him. She was nice about it, but she just didn’t feel that way about him, and in fact had a boyfriend. It was sad for us all. Until the guy started ramping it up. You know the way guys sometimes do when they think THEY are following the romantic script precisely and so you ought to be saying YOUR lines. He started getting agitated and mentioning the Friend Zone, and talking about how women SAY they like nice guys but they don’t, and asking her for reasons WHY she didn’t like him (my dude, why do YOU not like EVERY person who gets a crush on YOU?), and comparing himself favorably to the guy she DID like—all signs that things are getting potentially dangerous. I was glad to wake up.
Part of the reason for this dream, I think, is that before I went to bed I overheard William explaining to Rob why he’d decided not to apply to one of the colleges he’d planned to apply to. He (William) had looked the school up in a couple of those guides that tell you what the culture at that school is like, as reported by students. In general he already didn’t like the sound of it: it said that everyone there is into computers or engineering, and everyone studies a lot and then plays video games and not much else, and everything’s very competitive. But then it added that because there are so many more male students than female students, there is a particular term used for women to indicate that they (the women) get very full of themselves because of so much male attention, and that they (the women) start thinking they’re too good for anyone.
Hm. I was immediately pretty clear that this was the male spin on what is happening, and not an accurate one, and furthermore the whole thing sets off multiple red lights for me. Happily for me (I was comfy in my chair and about to head for bed and not in the mood to Explain It to a Man), William was also of this view, and also had an immediate negative reaction to it. He started looking around on other websites (such as a message board for students at that college) to see if there was much backlash about this. For example, was anyone saying “Listen, do the women have any choice here other than (1) accept all male attention indiscriminately or else (2) get labeled this gross term? Are female students allowed to want to study and not date (or to date, but not date these male students)? Is a female student allowed to see differences among people and to have preferences among them and to be attracted to some of them but not others of them (just as men can be attracted to one person but not another), without those personal preferences being considered evidence of how terrible women are in general?”
William could not find evidence of such a view. Rob argued that probably people WERE saying that, or at least thinking it, even if it wasn’t displayed. William felt that if it wasn’t clearly evident wherever the topic was being discussed, that wasn’t a good sign. He also felt it was a bad sign that there didn’t seem to be many women participating in the online groups. I felt like it was a good sign that he was seeing these things as bad signs.
Good for William! That’s wonderful. Good job teaching him, Swistle!
Yes! That story did not go in the direction I thought it would, but what a wonderful surprise ending!
I am very pleased with William’s entire thought process, follow-through, and conclusion.
I totally have star-eyes for William’s assessment process! And am glad you woke up from that dream. BTW, I also worked at a donuts and coffee place (Greek diner in Brooklyn called Mr. Donuts).
Oh all the heart eyes to William for noticing and caring and making a reasoned choice!!!!!!!
Also I hate HATE experiences like yours at McDonald’s. Because situations like these are so low-risk (is that the term I am looking for?), I feel guilty and overly sensitive for feeling grouchy/put upon that the order is wrong or the change is incorrect. But also I WANT WHAT I ORDERED AT THE PRICE I WAS TOLD IT COST. And the inconvenience factor of having to get back into a car and drive back to an establishment to argue my case is so great, and increases my dismay. Blargh.
(Something similar happened to me recently when I ordered take out soup from a favorite restaurant — from which I have ordered this same soup MANY times — and got home only to discover that they had only filled the containers half full instead of FULL full the way they normally do. At $5 a bowl, I want a FULL container, you know? And also they had included about seven packages of the thin floppy pita no one in my household will eat and zero packages of the puffy pita that my husband and daughter like. I mean, FREE pita, but disappointing nonetheless. [If you ask them not to include the throw-away floppy pita, they include no pita at all.] [This is way too much information.] I have still not healed from this wound, OBVIOUSLY, but I hope you see how DEEPLY I empathize with your McDonald’s experience.)
OMG MY PEOPLE. It’s like when we order pizza and they leave out one smaller item, like a salad, and I feel like an asshole if I call and make the driver come all the way back, but on the other hand, I PAID for the goddamned salad and I just want what I ordered!
This is an excellent story about William, and I am very very very pleased he not only recognized the problem in the description of the women, he found the attitude distasteful enough to not want to go to that school.
SO pleased with William’s college story. I wonder if the college knows it’s being represented that way. I’d be mortified.
Eddie is applying to colleges now too and I find it interesting how different it is today – how applicants can see odd or unofficial info on websites. Ed has shared some of the comments that he has stumbled upon and sometimes we have to laugh. On the other hand, we did appreciate multiple comments about a school like ‘do not go here if you want to study math. Run the other way.’ You see enough of that and you start to think maybe there is something to it. Glad William had enough sense to look at it closer!
I worked at Burger King all thru high school. I would like to apologize now to all the customers whose orders I messed up. I do think it was rare, because I was a very focused BK employee. Still. Sure I messed up more than I realized.
Wow, good on you, William! GOOD PARENTING, SWISTLE!
In college, I worked a summer job with friends who went to a tech school where I think practically everyone majored in science or engineering, and there was a skewed population of way more men than women. The women I worked with would say wryly, about their dating lives, “The odds are good … but the goods are odd.”
Definitely feeling the respect for William and Swistle on reading this!
I’m trying to imagine, back when I went to college, anybody thinking about this at all. Thinking that toxic masculinity on a certain campus would be too intense for a male student to be comfortable with or have to deal with. My mind is kind of blown!
I’m sending you a parenting high five right now for Williams’s perceptive and Discerning insight. Whenever I have these moments as a parent I exhale an enormous Whew!
And I think it’s more impactful for Rob to hear it from his brother than to hear it from you. I hope it makes a difference in refining Rob’s thoughts.
SWISTLE!!!!! I am still lowkey mad at the members of your household over the whole MothersDayGate situation, BUT. BUT! YOU HAVE SUCCEEDED SO HARD HERE. You have raised William to be THE RIGHT KIND OF GUY. There are still tweaks to be made, sure [coughcoughMOTHERSDAYcough] but that view of male/female dating dynamics is NOT the default societal setting that guys have and you broke through that dude-centric view with him and THAT IS AWESOME.
I was just thinking that I am not sure *I* would have seen it so clearly as a teenage girl, and I wonder how many girls today would pick it up before finding themselves in the middle of it. Maybe more than I think. This generation coming in to adulthood is pretty kick ass from what I see.
Regardless, I am so impressed with William and hope I can impart as much to my daughters. (They are 8 and 3, so right now we haven’t moved beyond “noone ever has a right to access to your body” and encouraging strength and confidence.)
Ha! I used to work at the college in question and know exactly the gross term you’re referring to. My sense as a non-student was that the term was not used openly and that those male students who did use it, even sarcastically were seen as losers with a chip on their shoulder and a creepy sense of entitlement w/r/t female attention, whom nobody would want to date anyway. However, I think the fact that the term persists and hasn’t just faded out doesn’t say great things about the culture there.
It is true that it’s a very study-heavy campus with a pretty nerdy-leaning culture. I’d also note that people who went there intending to study computers / engineering who then realized that this was not the major for them felt pretty stuck, and often ended up transferring.
Good for William for having a critical eye on this kind of thing.
I wonder if McDonalds has been facing some sort of backlash over napkin stinginess. On Saturday I treated my son to a Happy Meal and ordered a McChicken and small fry for myself at a kiosk. A teenage boy brought our food to us with a stack of about 20 napkins and no small fry. I didn’t feel like arguing – and let’s face it, I DO NOT need fries – so I didn’t say anything, but ate about 4 fries out of the Happy Meal. Then my son finished and was still hungry. I had ordered 4 nuggets instead of his usual 6. So I ordered another 4 nuggets and a smoothie. The same kid brought another tray with the nuggets and smoothie with another 10 napkins. I feel the extra napkins kind of made up for the missing fries. They were the absorbent ones I like to use for blotting when I’m shiny.
Your comment made me laugh. High quality napkins in exchange for fries. :)
SWISTLE YOU DID SUCH AN AMAZING JOB PARENTING THESE YOUNG MEN
As soon as I read your dream paragraph, I was sure it was symbolism about you and your two houses.
Dang! Two-dollar hash browns? They’re only a buck here!
They used to be $1 OR 2/$1 here (??) (seriously, you could pay a dollar and have either one or two hash browns, your choice), but then they went to $1 each with no 2/$1 option, and then they were something like $1.09 each for awhile, and this was the first time I’d seen them $1.50 each or 2/$2, which is the kind of marketing ploy that works very well on me (“I’m getting the second $1.50 item for only 50c!!”/”That saves me money because then they’re only $1 each!” instead of “…but I only want one, so I’m wasting 50c”), so I ordered it. Then they rang up at $2.19, which was quite annoying!
Well done, Swistle and William (and maybe Paul, but . . . )
I went to a university much like the one you’re describing – way more males than females, very math, tech, and engineering heavy. And yes, I did hear complaints from some men about how the women at that institution were so stuck up and would have been considered as being further down the attractiveness scale at any place where the population was more balanced. As one of those rare women though, it never bothered me much to hear this sort of sour grapes – I was too busy gathering phone numbers from the best looking geeks around. *wink*
That’s a heartwarming story about William. Sometimes I think this generation is going to make the world a much better place.