I am finally feeling better. It was one day of The Fairy, then one day of feeling very queasy and sick but no more throwing up, and then one day of feeling weak and tired and just a little queasy. This morning I still wanted to lie down after taking a shower, but only for a few minutes, and by lunchtime I felt basically myself again.
Every time I’m sick, I spend some time appreciating how good it feels to NOT be sick, and wishing I could sustain that appreciation. But instead, it’s like when my washing machine was broken and it took a couple weeks for the new one to arrive, and I was going to remember that feeling and be so grateful for the loveliness of having my OWN washing machine in my OWN basement—and I DID feel that gratitude, for about a week. And then The Joy of Laundry was over, and it was back to sullenness and resentment.
Paul is sick now. And I think I have probably complained about this too many times over the years, but he really is terrible when he’s sick. Like, terrible enough that I have thought with great fear about how it might very well happen that he will become chronically ill later in life, or get some lengthy disease, and then it will be too late to leave him because it would seem so heartless to leave a sick spouse. Also, I remember something about that in the vows, which now seem like those long contracts you sign without reading before using an app, but you don’t really think any of that stuff is going to pertain to your future with the app—but then one day the app gets sick and you have to spend the rest of your life with this app you liked a lot until it got sick and was teeth-clenchingly terrible all the time, definitely way worse than the contract-writers were thinking of when they wrote that part of the contract—or maybe EXACTLY as bad as the contract-writers were thinking, and that’s why they cleverly wrote it into the contract. There are LOTS of apps I would LOVE to still be married to even if they were chronically/lengthily ill, because chronic/lengthy illness is not the issue; the issue is how PAUL IN PARTICULAR behaves when he has even a stuffy nose, and how I cannot tolerate that behavior.
He moans and groans and gasps and pants and whimpers and makes whining/sighing sounds; no one has ever endured so patiently the unendurable torment he is enduring. He speaks in a weak, hoarse whisper, using as few words as possible to preserve his small reserves of strength; sometimes he has to pause mid-sentence to swallow painfully, or to briefly close his eyes. He asks pitifully to be brought a blanket. A thermometer (he always thinks he has a fever). A drink. A warm shirt. All sorts of other things he could have gotten for himself when he gets up to use the bathroom a few minutes later (shuffling, barely moving his feet, head hanging down, perhaps bracing himself against a wall). He gives me many detailed updates on how bad he feels, and he wants many consultations about what might make him feel better (do I think some soup would help? or would crackers be better? he’s not really sure he can eat anything; what do I think about an ice pack?). He is far more pitiful and childish than any of our five children have ever been, even as infants.
And I hate it. I HATE it. I can’t bear to look at him when he’s sick, with his tragic face and pitiful panting mouth-breathing. I can’t bear to hear all the ridiculous whimpers and groans, or listen to his hoarse/weak/pitiful voice, or deal with his infinite need for Mommy Attention—which, when he wants it from ME, feels revolting. I can’t stand the MELODRAMA of it. It makes me want to RUN AWAY. And I want to re-iterate here that the problem is not SICK PEOPLE; the problem is PAUL WHEN HE IS SICK. When I was doing my eldercare job and one of them became sick, I was sympathy and soup and medicines and cool washcloths and checking in to find out how they were, because NONE OF THEM were MELODRAMATIC about it. They were just sick! Sickness IN GENERAL activates my urge to help: I LIKE bringing ice packs and TV remotes and medicine doses and more pillows! I LIKE it! But not when the person is being A GIANT MELODRAMATIC BABY AND NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER BEEN SICK LIKE THIS BEFORE AND NO AMOUNT OF ATTENTION IS SUFFICIENT. He doesn’t need my assistance; he just wants an audience for his Illness Performance.
There is no need to have passed Psych 101 to guess that Paul’s mother felt differently about things. She told me she once held Paul’s hand while he slept, sitting there uncomfortably for hours, because he was sick and wanted his hand held. He was IN HIGH SCHOOL when this happened. He is incredibly lucky that after hearing this story I ever had sex with him again. He is further lucky that we were already married when his mother told me the story. I am sort of kidding, but I am not entirely kidding. In fact, if you ask me about it while Paul is actively whimpering in the other room, I’d say I’m not even sort of kidding: he is severely lucky on both counts.
I could have written this. I live in fear of chronic illness because YES. The mumbling whisper voice even! IT IS THE SAME SICK HUSBAND.
SAME.
ALSO ME. It’s the actual, literal worst. I have the same (not kidding, actual serious) worry about elderly years/chronic illnesses.
OH MY GOD I hate it when my husband is sick. He moans a lot and I just cannot deal. I CANNOT. I’m so unsympathetic that after almost 20 years he’s finally (mostly) given up on the pitifulness and (mostly) suffers in silence. In all fairness to him, though, I’m not terribly sympathetic towards sick children either.
In sum, I would be a terrible nurse.
Ha! My mom was a nurse and she was the least sympathetic mom-to-sick-kids. All my friends who had nurse moms say the same. I think when you see real illness on a daily basis you lose sympathy for those who only have a cold. So maybe you’d make a great nurse! ;)
Same here! We learned to turn to my dad, he was much more gentle and caring when we were sick. One time when my parents were out of town, I got sick while staying with my grandparents. My Grandpa took sure nice and loving care of me, I began to wonder if that was how my friends where taken are of when sick. Instead of having a puke bucket and some coke thrown your way.
So I have the same type of sick husband, but he also thinks he is invincible to germs (the other option is that he is a moron. I fear for our children if that’s the case.)
Once, when my youngest was 10 days old, the older two got HFM. He took them to the pediatrician. The pediatrician told him “adults rarely get it but it is highly contagious through saliva and the weeping sores.” I was bleach wiping everything once an hour by setting a timer. I was trying to save the baby!
Meanwhile, my husband was absently munching on food the kids didn’t finish and not washing his hands much and LAUGHING AT ME.
Well, the kids were better a DAY and my husband got sores all over his hands and in his mouth. He whimpered, moaned, groaned, and spent long minutes pondering whether he could eat.
He could not understand why I was so unsympathetic. “BUT I GOT IT TAKING CARE OF OUR SICK KIDS!!!” No, sir. You got it being a moron.
Honest to god, if I could have supported us at that time, I think I would have gotten in the car and driven away and never looked back.
Strangely enough, when my husband has a cold or something similar, he is like all of the above. When he was, actually seriously I’ll, he was in fact very stoic. Go figure. Btw, he recovered fine, and still makes a fuss about minor illnesses.
Ill, not I’ll……Stoopid phone.
Mine adds in the infuriating conversations where I have to repeatedly tell him I’m not a doctor. He’s constantly telling me he needs to get this or that looked at but never does it. “Feel this lump on my head, does it seem like it’s getting bigger?” I WILL NOT.
MAN COLD. You have my everlasting condolences. I tell my husband that if he has the energy to complain and whine than he isn’t that sick. It will be happy to take care of him when he progresses from MAN COLD to legit SICK.
Dh once got a sinus infection, which I get probably four times a year, and was out of work for almost two weeks. He pulled his back last week which I am positive was no worse than my baseline pain level and he laid on the floor for two days. I’m sure they really feel sick and hurt which I could sympathize with; it’s the big baby routine that makes me want to smother him with a pillow.
Yes. YES. Like, I JUST HAD this illness, and all I did was lie quietly on a bed and periodically go throw up as quietly as possible. I did not do even ONE sigh or moan! And I got my own drink/blanket/whatever when I needed it, because the virus did not render my legs useless! I felt pretty terrible, so I know he probably feels pretty terrible—but can’t he feel terrible QUIETLY??
Headphones. For you. Preferably very large, visible ones, to make a point.
Holy hell that is horrific. Gin, right? Get you some gin! I am gritting my teeth in knowing sympathy and hoping Paul’s germs are as exasperated as you are by the piteous whisper voice and flee quickly.
Have you all seen this? Perfect for this conversation:
Oh my gosh that’s perfect.
Ha ha ha! I wish this weren’t true, but I am a woman who gets a bit melodramatic with illness. If I can’t breathe I whine about it a lot. Though I don’t really demand waiter service. But when I have throwing-up symptoms, I get super panicky and start to imagine that death is nigh. My husband? He throws up so quietly and gets back to sleep so efficiently I often miss the whole thing.
My 2 year old got very, very ill while we were traveling last week– we were on a layover and she just started throwing up, violently, repeatedly. It was terrible. I sent my husband and 4 yo onto the plane without us, and then ended up getting a hotel and changing flights and a shuttle to the hotel ALL WHILE THE TWO YEAR OLD WAS THROWING UP. Actual, literal, horror movie. And then, right on cue, 36 hours later I started throwing up, and then maybe 6 hours after that, my 4 year old did.
My husband’s throat started hurting the next day and he kept saying “I really think I’m getting sick. This isn’t good.” Sir. I have not eaten in 3 days, I have been barfed on 30+ times this week. I truly, TRULY, cannot muster up any sympathy for your allergies right now.
This made me laugh so hard I am still laughing, typing this. And I read it to my husband, who hates when I read him stuff on the internet that makes me laugh, and he laughed too, and said it was the best thing I had ever read him, even though he once went to the ER because he had heartburn and mistook it for a possible heart attack. I think people who never get sick can’t help being melodramatic when they finally succumb.
I drove a boyfriend to the ER once in college because he thought he had appendicitis. After many hours, the ER decided he had gas.
Oh! Oh, I did that once in college too. Only it was an ex-boyfriend; I’d broken up with him the day before, and he begged me to come see him and talk things over, but when I got there he was writhing in agony on the floor. So I bundle him off to the ER and spend three hours in the waiting room, where the doctor tells him he has anxiety. I’m convinced he was just so unused to emotions that he assumed he must be ill.
And I’m there in the waiting room when I get a call from his mom, who tells me that his uncle has died and would I mind breaking the news? So I have to tell him, and drive him home and take care of him the rest of the night. But at least with all the drama we never got around to talking about the breakup. I ran out of there the next day and never spoke to him again.
The kicker is that, a few months earlier I had actually had appendicitis and this same boyfriend BROKE UP WITH ME a few days after surgery because I had “gotten so boring recently.”
I’m sorry that I laughed really loudly at this: “I’m convinced he was just so unused to emotions that he assumed he must be ill.” Oh, I’ve met this guy, or at least one of his brethren.
And the appendicitis breakup? Karma, sweet karma. What a tool.
But Paul does get sick, and he acts like this every fishing time.
(Am leaving the autocorrect on purpose)
I still have actual rage about the time we all got a stomach bug in a row, and I slept on the bathroom floor with the four year old, alternating who puked because we both had it. And then when husband got it a few days later he got to spend ALL day in bed by himself with the Worst Illness Ever and we took him everything he needed and the moaning and complaining and !!! And while my MIL is generally lovely, she also did the sleeping sitting up next to her kids when they were sick. Hmm.
Oh, but my husband does have a type of chronic pain thing and surprisingly he is very reasonable and proactive and not-whiny about it so perhaps there is hope. And gin.
My husband is similar although maybe a bit toned down. Except he becomes fixated on taking his temperature. He will take it every few hours then report his temp to me. He will do it for days. 🤒 I usually get out of the house with the kids as much as possible so we can all avoid the pitiful person he becomes.
What is it with adults wanting to know their temperatures? If you feel sick, you are sick. If you want to go to the doctor, go.
If you’re showing the same symptoms everyone else in your household had a few days ago, guess what? Now you have it too, and you will get better just like they did.
There’s definitely hope for the future. My father was a terrible sick person. Not too bad if he had a bug, but anything with the potential to last more than a couple days sent him in to a self-pity spiral that was really hard to live with. And then he got cancer and spent almost two years actually dying. He handled it incredibly gracefully right up to the end.
Also, this thread makes me appreciate my husband. He comes home and goes to bed with a cold I’d still be running the house with, but at least he just quietly goes to bed.
This post makes me wish that you would write a (super long) book filled with stories about being married, being a mom, dealing with in-laws, and anything else. That last paragraph has made my Sunday morning so much better. Thank you, Swistle!
YEESSS!
I’m laughing and nodding in agreement over the post and the comments! The last time my husband was “deathly ill”, meaning a low grade fever and the sniffles, he was using the mumble voice and dramatic pauses. During a pause I told him it was ok, he could let go. Despite his terrible suffering, he mustered the intense physical and mental strength to look at me and ask what I meant. I said “it’s ok. Go toward the light. We love you.”
Apparently it’s sarcasm, not laughter, that is the best medicine. The husband was able to sit up, make eye contact, and complain in a regular voice with no long pauses about how I have no bedside manner!
This has me CACKLING. So genius! “Go toward the light,” indeed.
OMG I had to reply to your comment….I. AM. IN. TEARS. :) !
I am dying. I am totally using this the next time my husband gets sick.
Oh I LOVE this
Actual LOL. I’m definitely saving this for the next time H has a man cold…
I’m STILL laughing at this each time I remember it.
I am SHAKING with suppressed laughter at work right now.
This is everything!
I am also a long-suffering wife of a man who cannot have a sniffle without it becoming a Certain March Toward Death, but I will say that on the two occasions in our marriage that he was really, truly, terribly sick, he was quiet and not melodramatic about it. So that bodes well for any (God forbid) serious illness in which I might have to care for him without smothering him with a pillow. Perhaps Paul will be the same.
My strategy for dealing with the Sniffles of Death is to turn off the lights, leave water and crackers and medication by the bed, and shut the bedroom door to “leave him alone to rest.” Then I am conveniently unable to hear his weak cries for more blankets/fewer blankets/different medications/etc., and he has to recover on his own like a damn adult.
Oh my goodness I HATE when my husband is sick. And he is allllwayys sick. Like, he will have a mild allergic reaction to some dust and start moaning about how “Ugh I’m sick, wife. I’m SO SICK.” To which I always respond, “No, you have allergies. Take some Benadryl and suck it up.” I am currently 33 weeks pregnant and have a chronic intestinal illness and I have nooooo patience for his “sickness.” He also has a weird obsession with medicine and is very convinced by the placebo effect, so every time he starts to get the sniffles he immediately drives to Walgreens and drops $40 on various cold medicines, which he takes one time and is miraculously cured. And most annoyingly, he is a sympathetic sickie so any ailment I have (particularly non-contagious ones) will mysteriously afflict him within 30 minutes. I have a headache? Moments later his head hurts soooo bad. My back hurts? “Wife, can you rub my back? It’s so sore.” COMMENCE HEAD EXPLOSION.
Oddly, like several posters above, the time he suffered a major and extremely painful injury, he was much more stoic and less whiny/I’m-dying-rapidly and I didn’t mind taking care of him.
OMG I forgot this part. THIS is the literal worst. The instant pickup of any illness/complaint any other family member has. I swear to god he would complain of menstrual cramps if he didn’t catch himself.
I hate the moaning! The whining and moaning – for the smallest thing. omg I want to kill him just thinking about it.
Mine also gets dramatic about the kids being sick. One sniffle and he shouts “They need to see a DOCTOR! WHY WONT YOU TAKE THEM TO A DOCTOR?” Um, because the doctor office would laugh at me if I brought in a 2 yr old with a runny nose and no fever. And with three kids I would live at the Drs office. Of course the one time I thought my daughter really needed to see a Dr (rash, fever) I couldn’t take her so husband had to. Right after I told him he had to go, he insisted she was just fine and didn’t need to see a Dr. I freaking lost my mind – apparently kids only need to see the Dr if I can take them.
One of the hardest adjustments for me to becoming a full-time mom was no sick leave. When my husband is sick, he can do whatever he wants (sleep in, lie in bed all day, go to the store whenever, etc). When I get sick, our kids are usually already sick and I’m taking care of them and me. I know I need to find a better way. At least he doesn’t get melodramatic while sick.
Okay, I just have to say this: pretty much every woman I know is focused on keeping things moving and dealing with what has to be dealt with. The men, on the other hand… good grief. I really feel like as a culture, we need to seriously overhaul what it means to be a man and what it is that men do and don’t do. And possibly require a lot of them to attend mandatory counseling. About 90% of the uphill in my own life would get a lot better if my husband would commit to getting himself together and would step up on the family/home front without expecting a parade every time he does even the smallest thing.
My darling spouse rearranged the fridge a couple weeks back. And while what he did indeed made sense, he reminded me of it FOUR TIMES over the next week or so. Dude, you moved around some salad dressing. We don’t throw parades for that.
“We don’t throw parades for that” and “Go toward the light” are going to be extremely useful to me if I can get them out without laughing.
I’ll never be able to, I’ll cackle mid-sentence, but these are just the greatest.
I can’t believe that no one is talking about the hand-holding of a TEENAGE BOY by his mother WHILE HE SLEPT, because he requested it. My hair stood on end when I read that last paragraph. I feel physically uncomfortable thinking about it.
Mothers of sons, I implore you never ever to do anything like this, on behalf of all of your sons’ future spouses. Let’s as a society agree to raise a generation of men who will not be like this.
The thing that drives me bananas, and is evidently universal to husbands, is when they get the same illness that everyone in the household has had, yet theirs is declared to be the most severe case in all the lands and prevents them from performing even the most basic tasks or self-help, even though, for example, when I as the wife/mother had the same illness three days before, I still did every single thing I usually do, INCLUDING going to work.
How on earth did men become the ones in power when they cannot even handle a sniffle?
To be fair, my husband seems to be way more susceptible to various afflictions. I smugly remember the time he got a stomach bug that did not allow him to go more than 30 ft from a toilet without being in real danger of unpleasantness, and when I got the same bug I had a momentary thought of “Is that a menstrual cramp? No, it’s located more in my gut. La dee da, moving on.”
Like so many others here, I completely understand. I’d try to leave the house and get away. Otherwise, I would go crazy and snap.
Knowingly risking things being thrown at my head, my husband is a good patient. HOWEVER, my brother-in-law is That Guy. We live NEXT DOOR and OMG, we want to murder him gently when he’s sick. Everyone has to know and then he doesn’t stay away from the THREE Immune System Compromised family members who actually are/can get easily sick.
I like the big obvious headphone suggestion. Excellent idea. But…”Go toward the light…” is magical. I’m going to put that in my verbal holster for future use.
Meanwhile, a bail money Go Fund Me seems like a good plan. Although I suspect no jury would convict you after hearing the evidence.
What is it with Mother’s and their sons? As a society, we are quick to point out fathers who treat their daughters and sons different; however, in my own life, I’ve seen just as many instances of mothers who completely baby and spoil their sons rotten. Yes, there are fathers who are unfairly overly protective of their daughters, but there are ALSO mothers who are quick to justify and excuse any kind of misbehavior from their sons.
(I just want to add here that I mean no disrespect to the mothers of sons on this blog, I’m just stating a general observation I’ve noticed in my life).
I was watching The View one day and the ladies were talking about how there is something “special” between mothers and their sons and they would be more inclined to step in if their sons were having relationship issues with their wives. WHAT THE HELL???!??? Please tell me that I’m not the only one who finds this idea completely ludicrous and quite frankly, creepy. It almost sounded like they had already built up resentment and jealousy towards their sons’ future wife for the simple reason that no-one can ever be good enough for their sons.
As a society, I think we need to have deeper and more honest discussions around the mother-son relationship. I think we’re forgetting that our sons are going to grow up to be someone else’s spouse and we should be raising them to behave the same way we’d expect our spouse to behave around us.
I cannot tell you the strength this gives me. Knowing there is someone else who understands is simply priceless. I also have to add that in the beginning I was sympathetic to my spouse. He however could not return the favor. Also, does anyone else notice that they behave a little worse each time they get sick? My husband has now added sighing to his production. Very frequent and very loud. Since I have anxiety that just about does me in. I fear the progression will not be survivable, for one of us anyway.
As a mama of 2 boys, I often think about how I can guide them towards the best of my husband’s qualities with regards to household stuff (excellent at doing the dishes, cleans cat litter box without complaint, appreciative of my cooking) and away from his worst (Man Cold, “I don’t feel right,” complete reluctance to cook anything except breakfast sandwiches and hamburgers, ability to manage tasks at an extremely high level at work yet forget basic things at home).
I have come back to read this post several times, cackling anew at each reading in the laugh-because-it’s-so-true way, and the responses are just as great as the post itself. Thanks, y’all! Swistle, if you ever host a SwistleCon, I will definitely grab some friends and road trip (making an assumption, but it would be a good excuse) to meet up with all my sisters.
I have a tendency to not notice things that don’t have an impact on me, so while my husband may in fact be doing a Man Cold routine, I wouldn’t know. I discover he has a cold when I say “do you have a cold or not feel well or something?” and he blows up at me, “Have you not noticed me sneezing and sniffling and blowing my nose and coughing and napping for the LAST THREE DAYS?!?”.
I actually feel just a little bit guilty.