Rob has finished his first year of college. I had a wonderful road-trip to go pick him up: it’s about a 7-hour drive, which to me is the perfect distance to feel like A Road Trip without being too far and getting boring, and is also far enough to justify staying in a hotel overnight before heading home, and I love to stay in hotels. I brought William with me so he could take a tour of Rob’s college (William thinks he’d probably like to go there too, if he gets in) and because I thought Rob would be pleased to have William there on the way home, and I got a second hotel room so they could hang out and stay up late and watch their own TV shows or whatever. I picked up William from school mid-day (he had a test he had to take), and we went through the Wendy’s drive-through on our way out of town, which is a very fun way to start a road trip.
And the whole trip was such a success except that when we got there Rob was busy and couldn’t join us for dinner. And then he was getting together with friends to play a game, and then he wanted to practice piano, and then he claimed complete obliviousness of the plan that he would stay in the hotel, even though I had emailed him about the plan AND sent a reminder that when he packed up his dorm room he should remember to leave out what he’d need in the hotel. And he hadn’t packed up his dorm room, either.
It would be a dramatic understatement to say I was pissed. It did not quite ruin the trip, but it came perilously close. Like, at the VERY LEAST, he needed to inform us ahead of time that he was busy that evening, since the plan was that he would give William his own tour of the college and/or that we would load all his stuff into the car. And DEFINITELY his room should have already been packed up. And William had been SUPER looking forward to them getting to hang out at the hotel. And…he wanted to PRACTICE PIANO? That is not even a decent excuse. “Is she insisting?,” he texted William, to my enormous annoyance. As if I were the one changing our plans without warning, and being unreasonable about doing it my new way.
Well. We salvaged it. I managed not to flip out or say anything regrettable. William and I went out to dinner on our own, and eating a good dinner was a big step toward feeling better. We went back to the hotel and I stayed up watching a TV show comparing Diana/Kate/Meghan, and a show about brides choosing wedding dresses. I ate Little Debbie cakes, and Mike & Ikes, and Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips, and caramel M&Ms. I slept in a big bed all by myself with the room’s temperature set just the way I like it. In the morning there was a really good breakfast bar with waffles, and good coffee, and scrambled eggs with ham and cheese in them. We checked out and drove over to the college. I gave Rob the car keys and said that we’d planned to help load up all his stuff, but since he’d been busy the previous evening we were not going to have time for that, and that he could pack and load his own stuff while William and I went on the tour. OH SNAP ROB.
I said nothing else on the subject, and this made Rob so uncomfortable that on the way home he brought the topic up and gave a lame excuse that nevertheless indicated he knew he’d messed up, and he was noticeably sheepish about it. The trip home was nice except for the last part when it was dark and we had trouble finding a gas station, and then we found one and it was full-serve but I didn’t realize that and so I nearly hit the attendant with my car door, and then I quickly closed the door but the window was up so I cut off his greeting, and then I had to start the car to get the window down, and anyway I am not used to full-service. We stopped for pizza for dinner after about an hour of looking for pizza places and not being able to find any, and it was very good pizza, and we recognized the place as the same place we’d stopped on our way home from visiting the college back when Rob was doing college tours.
It has been odd having Rob home. I’d gotten used to him not being here. Also, now he is in this weird in-between stage of life where he’s been living on his own without parental supervision, but on the other hand right now he is a child-role person living in my house. Right now he’s getting up each day at about the time his siblings come home from school. He’s working full-time at a fast-food place, and he works the closing shift so he gets home after we go to bed. He doesn’t seem super happy to be home; perhaps this will motivate him next summer to make other plans.
I’m not sure what else it would be helpful to include. I guess the information that it DOES all start to feel normal. Like, during the college-selection process, it feels BIZARRE to imagine that the child will be LIVING ELSEWHERE. But then when it happens, it’s less bizarre than it seems like it would be, and also it feels like the natural next step—especially if you yourself went to college. The overlap is odd: my own college memories don’t feel THAT distant, and I keep comparing where he is to where I remember myself being. I absolutely had my dorm room packed up without my parents telling me to do it, for example.
I asked Rob if he felt he’d made the right decision on where to go to school, and he said it was impossible to compare (yes, yes, thank you for pointing that out), but that it didn’t feel like the WRONG decision. He is contented there. I worry that he doesn’t seem to have much of a social life, but he’s never been very social, and he does have people he plays games with, so it’s not as if he’s sad and isolated.
It feels a little sad to sense that he finds home-life pretty boring, but I remember finding it boring too when I came home from college, and it’s not as if that boredom meant anything bad. We WANT our kids to find the outside world more interesting than their childhood room. It feels a little sad to be looking forward to him going back to college, but again, this is the GOOD way for things to happen: we don’t want to be devastated by our children growing up and moving out.
Ah, yes. I have 3 daughters, the last one is a senior in college. My oldest two NEVER had their rooms packed up. NEVER, even with me threatening that I would NOT help them pack up and when I’d get there, I’d lose my mind and start throwing all their shit in the car willy nilly wondering why I was doing this but I wanted to get going…. And yet I knew this was the problem–me eventually doing it but whatever. My last one saw me lose my mind over and over and now is always packed up beforehand. I love her the most. ;-)
And yes—you want them home, they get home and are not happy about it and you are thinking…when are you LEAVING ftlog…it’s a long summer.
Good move on making him pack up the car himself! And I suspect you’re right that spending a summer working fast food will prompt him to think ahead a bit more next spring when it comes time to find internships and/or jobs.
My older daughter has spent the last two years going to the local community college and it’s been weird finding a balance between “our home, our rules” and giving her some freedom, particularly when it comes to getting home at 3 am. (!) If she were living in a dorm we’d have no idea what time she got in, but she ISN’T in a dorm. She moves out in August to go away to school and as much as I am dreading that, I also think it’s time for us both to have some space. :(
I remember one time when I hadn’t packed my room. Finals, Dad! Ugh – I was operating on the theory that time was an infinitely stretchable resource at that point. Leaving Rob to pack up while you toured was perfect. Hope the summer contains what you like and the awkward stuff just glides by.
I totally didn’t have my dorm room packed when my mom came to pick me up. TOTALLY.
But now I’m the GET EVERYTHING PACKED whip cracker in my house.
I remember coming home briefly the summer after my freshman year of college, and I was so bored that I went to summer school every summer after that (a great option if he has it). In fact, I never again lived at home, THANK GAWD. I loved summers in my college town. Everything was quiet and laid back, especially on campus.
ANYWAY. Sounds like things are progressing nicely for all! I wondered if Rob’s college decision would affect his siblings’ choices. I’ve seen that happen many times.
I did the same! The first (only) summer home after college is very awkward – figuring out responsibilities and roles.
YES. My first summer home was kind of terrible. I referred to college town as “home” (because, uh, that’s where I live) and my mom wailed “but THIS is your home!” Except that my parents had moved to a new house during my Christmas break and I had never actually lived in it when I came back for summer. Anyway. Summer school is awesome. Especially if he can manage to take classes he hates, squeezed into a shorter timeframe (gym-type classes for me).
To me it sounds like Rob loves college… he had plans even on move-out day! The piano-practicing thing I don’t understand but I’m chalking that up to “19 year old boys are weird!” (or just teenage boys are weird!)
Did William like the school? Did they end up enjoying their hang-out time in the hotel room?
I enjoy these posts thoroughly as I have a not-very-social-but-seems-content-most-of-the-time son who will be college searching soon…
Yes, William really liked the school! It’s his top choice right now.
Rob did not even come to the hotel. We didn’t see him until the next morning. William was pretty disappointed, but managed.
I am most annoyed by Rob’s bailing on the hang-out time with his brother. I thought we’d get to leave “hurting the younger sibling’s feelings” behind once they were out of grade school.
I once wasn’t fully packed when my mom and sister came to pick me up. I *was* at the point when one of us could start loading the car while I dumped the last few things in boxes. But my mom and sister are never late, and I started to worry when their planned time of arrival passed. Had something happened? This was pre-cell phones, and I had already taken my phone back to Bell Atlantic, so they had no way to get in touch with me. So I called my dad to ask if everything was OK, and he assured me they were just late for once, and I went back to packing. And now, 30+ years later, I get to listen to The Time Slim Called to Complain We Were Late Even Though She Wasn’t Done Packing.
A few years after that, I was traveling in Europe and my brother and I split up for a week. He missed the scheduled rendez-vous, and I thought I’d learned never to call and check on someone’s whereabouts, so I carried on and figured we’d overlap eventually. Only he called and my mother was convinced I was dead.
Can’t win.
PS Did Rob bring home untouched any of the things you so lovingly bought him for college. The Drug Store Based in Woonsocket is doing a GWP for empty first aid cases, so at least one thing my kid takes to college will be free.
I love how you handled his room not being packed up.
The piano playing was him hanging on to his independence until he no longer could. It sounds like you are all adjusting the best you can. I like that nothing regrettable was said; you definitely get a medal ( and cookies) for that.
OH SNAP SWISTLE love how you handled that. Also, love full service gas stations, I used to live in NJ and it was so great when I was pregnant to not worry about touching the pump. Though I always felt bad for the guys working the pumps in all weather and in such a nasty location (ie side of an insanely busy road).
Oh I forgot to say that “OH SNAP ROB” made me snort-laugh.
I didn’t snort, but I loved it!
“OH SNAP ROB.”
hahaha! You’re the best.
LOVE how you so coolly handled the packing-up situation! Also, the practicing piano excuse must have felt a little bit like a punch in the gut, but it seems like his way of wresting one last night of independence out of his freshman year, and anyway you still got to eat Little Debbies and watch trashy TV so that was a win.
Summer after my freshman year was my last time living in my parents’ house. I don’t remember it being bad or even uncomfortable — just BORING. But that is also a function of where my parents live. I did have the good fortune that my two best friends from growing up were also home that summer, so we had some good times together. It was kind of the coda to our childhood years.
Too bad William couldn’t stay with Rob overnight at school, instead of at the hotel.
I always put off packing until the end- but my school was only 2 hours from my house and I had my own car. No one was helping me move at all. I thought the international students had it easy. They got to borrow golf carts and move their stuff into the summer dorms, if they weren’t going home.
Summer after my Sophomore year was the last time I lived with my parents. It was an adjustment each summer. No overnights. People actually were mad if I didn’t come home. It was tense for everyone, and everyone looked forward to the end of the summer. My boyfriend dropped out of school during his Junior year and got his own place, so instead of moving home after Junior year, I moved in with him, and stayed there. We got married after I finished college.
Aw, I can’t help but feel bad for poor William. I can just bet that he must have been so looking forward to staying in a hotel room with his big brother and hanging out and catching up – only for that not to happen because of “piano practice.” (Sorry if the quotes insinuate anything, but I’m wondering if that was just an excuse to have one last night out in college with buds).
I loved how you handled the packing situation. OH SNAP ROB made me chortle in the middle of a dead silent office. I’m glad William got his tour and liked the college. Are you hoping he ends up going to the same college? I’m sure you’d support any decision he makes, but I”m sure it’s much easier for moms when your kids aren’t spread out all over the place during college years.
And yes, I remember the first summer home from college well. To be honest, I was actually relieved to be home because I never actually felt at home at college. I never made any close friends during my first year and I was actually going through some depression issues, so I was happy to be home, but it did seem much more boring than all the other summers. I will say, my parents weren’t having any of the “we know you’re used to freedom and not following rules and we’ll try to meet in the middle.” They pretty much always have the mentality that I lived in their house and will follow their rules lol.
I think it would be pretty fun if William went to the same college as Rob—and since I hate new things, I’d enjoy the part where we know how that college works and how move-in goes and so forth. But it would also be fun if he picked a new place; I like the idea of acquiring a little list of colleges and areas of the country I’m getting familiar with, plus of course a college-mug collection. So it’s pretty much win-win.
I love this response. It must seem easier having successfully navigated the first kid’s first year of college.
I tell parents of first year college students that the first summer home is difficult. As you said, they are used to being independent and now they are back under your roof. I never set a curfew for my kids. I just asked they let me know if they were going to be out past 1:00 am. For some reason, my mom spidey sense would come awake around 2:00 if they weren’t home and hadn’t let me know they were going to be late. Maybe because the first summer was so awkward, my own kids always found jobs/camps/classes in their college towns for the other two summers.
I only came home for Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks of my freshman year, and never again stayed at home. I didn’t have a mother/family as nice as you/yours, though. I remember those breaks being awkward, like, I’m not telling you where I’m going or when I will be back, why would I need to? Oh baby adults, such a joy. You found a perfect solution to Rob not packing up his room, and I’m glad he seemed remorseful on bailing on his brother who was excited to see him.
OH SNAP ROB
I want to stand and applaud, Swistle! AMAZING. So well done.
OH SNAP ROB.
Priceless. What a perfect response to his thoughtlessness!
If you are interested in sharing more, I am curious about how the year went in general… how the kids adjusted to life without Rob at home… how it was for you and Paul with only four kids — was there a noticeable difference in… anything? … how William felt about being the oldest… Well, those seem like potentially boring things that you might not want to talk about, but *I* think it would be interesting. I am so fascinated by changing family dynamics, especially when it comes to multi-kid families.
The summer after freshman year at college was the last time I lived with my parents. I took my same summer job from the summer after senior year of high school (records dept at local hospital, filing, on the swing shift, 2:30 pm -11:30 pm).
But while the job had seemed OK and good for spending money right after HS, that summer after freshman year of college was one of the most boring times of my entire life. I just worked, drove home, slept late, got up, maybe went to the gym, then did it all over again. I barely saw friends (not so many close friends from HS I cared to see), and I had just outgrown home, except for visits. Sunrise, sunset!
I think all parties just getting through the summer relatively intact & still speaking to each other is as good as you can hope for. And hopefully Rob will be more motivated to plan for next summer! I started planning early on during my sophomore year & lined up a whole-summer camp counselor job in New Hampshire (I grew up in CA). A week before/after at my parents’ house was plenty for all of us. :-)
Also — I’m pretty sure I was mostly packed when my parents showed up to bring me home? But it was only freshman & sophomore year, junior year I had a car & drove my stuff to my parents’ home myself, and senior year I moved into an apt in my college town for the summer, by myself, and then took my car & moved myself from the SF Bay Area to LA for grad school at the end of summer. So I’m sure it’s irritating but maybe it is a transitory phase.
It is definitely awkward when they come home from summer. I helped pack up Man-Child’s the first year (I didn’t have this post in my back pocket – plus I did not yet know how awkward things were going to be); after that he had his car and drove himself and his stuff home. For his last year, his dad and I rented a UHaul to help him get his furniture home (he was in an apartment by this time) and were beyond IRATE to discover he had packed NOTHING! But, in his defense, he was recovering from mono but still! And to top it off hadn’t bothered to even collect boxes for packing!
“this is the GOOD way for things to happen: we don’t want to be devastated by our children growing up and moving out.”
Yep, and you don’t want to have to file legal proceedings in order to get them out when they are 30-something like those parents in the news recently.
This is so interesting to read as someone whose oldest is William’s age. We’re a couple years behind you on the first college search experience.
My first summer home after college was just miserable and I didn’t spend a summer home after that. I’ve heard a lot of other people say the same thing. It’s an awkward life phase. I’m sorry Rob wasn’t nicer to William, though. That kind of thing is hard to watch as a parent.
I thought the “Is she insisting” was from William to Rob about the actual “piano” (ie a girl). I wonder about the piano.
What I remember from the leaving-for-the-year process of college is that it was always just about the most horribly stressful day of the year. I’d been taking/studying/procrastinating about exams and writing papers for the last week, hadn’t really slept properly for most of that time, usually had a broken computer because it always liked to break during exams, usually had or was just recovering from a horrible cold (my immune system was just like my computer—couldn’t take the stress), was saying goodby to my partner and all of my friends some of them likely for good, had other people’s parents around from whom very campus-public information might-or-might-not be secrets, was feeling terribly sad and nostalgic about a room/dorm I’d grown attached to, had to somehow extricate my stuff from my partner’s stuff and deal with *his* grumpy parents, it was always hot and I had to carry heavy things up and down stairs…it was just so much. I was a terrible host to whoever came to pick me up and help me because I just barely was holding myself and usually my partner together by sheer force of exhausted and miserable will. I never had my room properly packed and I always felt terribly guilty about it but I also felt like I might just collapse into the sick, exhausted stress-knot in my belly, and yet all the time I could manage to do anything I felt like I should be spending with my people—my parents who had come from me, my partner I was sending back to his abusive parents, my friends who I had seen every day for months and now wouldn’t—and somehow handle absolutely everyone’s feelings. Possibly what I have just told you is that I adored college and had an anxiety disorder. Both of which are true and neither of which are necessarily in the least applicable to your family, but apparently those memories are rather visceral.
I am SO very impressed with how you handled the packing situation. But I am sorry for William, that had to have been disappointing to him. Somewhere in the back of my mind I seem to recall that kids-who-just-finished-freshman-year are really the most insufferable of the lot. (I am including myself.) I have 10 years to go with my oldest until we are at that spot.
I went to college in my hometown, and so for the summer I went away and worked all summer at an outdoor camp. I hope it goes well this summer!
Just had to add that I distinctly remember my now in-laws moving my then bf out of his dorm room into an apartment on their 25th anniversary- and he had packed very little beforehand. He was literally just throw8mg random stuff into Wal-Mart bags- so not helpful. I would’ve been pissed and probably let him pack while I went out to dinner with my spouse. Maybe it’s a guy thing?!
My mother cleaned my brother’s bathroom when he was moving out of his place at the end of *graduate school*
“I don’t think he’d cleaned it the whole time he lived there!” she said, amused. And even then, I thought, “Well, then it would have been a golden opportunity to learn why it’s better to do it regularly, huh? Or what happens when the management company decides it’s entitled to your security deposit, and is totally in the right?”
That brother is a slob, but he’s also cheap.