Paul and the kids did literally nothing for Mother’s Day, and I’m mad/upset/disappointed about that, while also not being able to figure out how to say anything about it without seeming whiny/demanding/self-pitying. I don’t want it to seem as if I need presents, and lots of money spent on me, and breakfast in bed or a big meal out or whatever. But, like, what I wanted was some sort of feeling that it was in any way a special day. When it’s Father’s Day, for example, I’m extra-careful to load the dishes into the dishwasher promptly so there’s no way Paul would feel as if he were expected to do it or even be given the chance to do it on auto-pilot; I pick up beer at the grocery store so there’ll be some in the fridge if he wants it; I ask what he wants to have for dinner. When it’s one of the kids’ birthdays, they don’t have to unload the dishwasher even if it’s their turn; they get to sit in the front seat even if it’s not their turn; I’ll make their school lunch for them even though I normally won’t. So on Mother’s Day, it would have been nice if someone else had, say, loaded the dishwasher; but I let dishes build up on the counter all morning and half the afternoon (and seven people generate quite a few dishes), and people just kept adding dishes to the pile, and no one loaded them, so finally I did it—and felt pretty martyrish about it too, I’ll tell you.
And quite possibly the answer to this whole issue, at least according to some of you, will be that I should have SAID something, in the moment. And maybe I should have! But I didn’t want it to go down like that: I didn’t want it to be me saying, “It’s Mother’s Day, so do these chores for me, I shouldn’t have to do any work!” I didn’t want to spend Mother’s Day nagging other people to do things: that is how I spend my REGULAR days. I wanted it to be like them thinking, “It’s Mother’s Day, so let’s make sure Mom doesn’t have to do the dishes.” I wanted there to be that slight Special Day feeling in the air that makes people think of things like that themselves.
I would have liked it very much if someone had asked if they could bring me a cup of coffee, something like that—a feeling that they are trying to think of little unnecessary and indulgent things they wouldn’t do on a regular day, because it isn’t a regular day. I would have liked it very much if someone had put dandelions from the yard in a jar. I would have liked it very much if someone had said, “Wait, Mom should choose what we’re watching on TV!” I would have liked it very much if someone had colored me a card. I would have liked it very much if someone had asked if I wanted them to go pick up a box of doughnuts for breakfast or if I wanted to go out for lunch, even if I’d ended up saying no. It would have been nice to think that ANY OF THEM were thinking about me AT ALL and wondering AT ALL how I might like to spend the day, even fleetingly.
Also, I hesitate to put this part in because it makes me so angry and fills me with so much despair, but I overheard Rob asking Paul on Saturday night if they were doing anything for Mother’s Day, and Paul said, “I don’t know—she’s not MY mother.” [Edited to add: I need to clarify here that he said it in a good-natured way, and more as if he were suggesting to Rob that it was time for Rob to start figuring this sort of thing out for himself. Which is true. Nevertheless, it’s not a good concept for him to be introducing to the children for them to later say to people-who-are-not-their-mothers, and his own actions then ended up completely in line with everything I hate about the statement. He also missed a teaching moment with Rob: instead of being dismissive, he could have taken the opportunity to guide. Instead, Rob seemed to feel smacked-down, and dropped it entirely.] I think that’s one of the stupidest attitudes/excuses of all time, and also it makes no sense. Thoughtfulness and consideration for others are skills for children to learn, and holidays are a wonderful time to learn/practice them, and on Mother’s/Father’s Day the other parent needs to do the teaching/coaching/reminding/helping. Just for starters, kids usually don’t have the right level of funds to pay for things such as flowers/meals, and the parent wouldn’t even WANT them using their own small allowances for something like that; but also, many kids start out as selfish little jerks who need specific instruction on how to think about others, how to choose a gift the other person would like (as opposed to buying Mom a new Lego set the child wants), and how to think of little tasks that show others you’re thinking of them. And I am not Paul’s mother but I am the mother of his children and so I am presumably a special mother in his life, and Mother’s Day is for celebrating ALL mothers, not only one’s OWN mother—and pretending to think otherwise is disingenuous to the point of stupidity. I got a nice Happy Mother’s Day text from MY SISTER-IN-LAW’S BROTHER, for heaven’s sake! Because he knows it’s Mother’s Day and that his sister and I are both mothers, so he’s wishing his sister and me a happy day! He didn’t think sending each of us that text would make it seem as if he thought his sister and I were HIS mothers!
But also, and this is why I’m not just angry but also filled with despair, Paul and I have talked about THIS VERY THING before. We have discussed that “She’s/He’s not MY mother/father!” is a stupid attitude/excuse, and exactly WHY it is a stupid attitude/excuse, and WHY the other parent needs to be involved in the whole Mother’s/Father’s Day thing while the kids are in the Training Stage of life, and we have agreed on that. (If their dad were not in the picture, it would be different and I would train them myself on how to approach Mother’s Day.) So how, years later, are those words leaving his mouth? It is baffling, and concerning. It doesn’t leave any wiggle-room for this not to reflect badly on Paul. Like, early on, I could have thought (and did think), “Well, his parents didn’t teach him about this, and his dad was exceptionally self-centered and that certainly had an effect, and he hasn’t thought it all the way through because he’s new to this, so we just need to talk it through and then he’ll understand because he’s a smart guy and these are not difficult concepts.” But…it HAS been covered. He has agreed that the “She’s/He’s not MY mother/father!” attitude/excuse is wrong and can’t be applied to Mother’s/Father’s Day. He has understood my feelings on the topic, and knows that I expect him to assist/train the children on Mother’s Day, just as I will do for Father’s Day. It’s as if he’s had a brain-wipe and I have to start all over again with Idiot New Dad Whose Pre-Frontal Cortex Has Only Recently Finished Developing And Whose Parents May Have Done Well In Many Other Areas But Really Dropped The Ball In Terms of Thoughtfulness Training. I actually, seriously wondered if this could be an early sign of his mind going, because I can easily imagine anyone forgetting certain things (partner’s favorite flower, partner’s clothing size, what partner reminded you to pick up at the store, etc.) just as a matter of being a normal human, but it’s hard to imagine going through the entire mental process of why “She’s not MY mother!” makes no sense AND THEN SAYING IT EVER AGAIN, SERIOUSLY EVER AGAIN, without it being alarming evidence of a worrisome malfunction.
And now it’s hard to know what to do for Father’s Day. I have semi-joked in the past that it is nice Mother’s Day comes first, so I can base the level of the Father’s Day celebration on that—but I don’t want to do literally nothing for Father’s Day. I don’t think doing literally nothing is RIGHT, not for me and not for how I should be bringing up the kids. But it is very hard at this point to imagine taking a day like yesterday, tucking it aside, and turning with joyful heart to the considerate celebration of Father’s Day.
I think what will probably happen is that I will do Father’s Day at the child-training level: encouraging them to think about what he might like, etc., but with no enthusiasm of my own. I won’t, for example, stop at the specialty beer store and ask the clerk to help me choose a really expensive Special-Occasion Beer, as I did last year. Then NEXT year I will start talking about Mother’s Day during the week ahead, and discussing some things they might want to consider on a day like that—the same way I helped them with Father’s Day. I will train the kids the way I would if their dad were not in the picture. And/or I will go out to see a movie on Mother’s Day by myself, and stop for a treat on the way home.
Frankly, I think you’ve done enough. Keep making kid birthdays special, but let Father’s Day go this year. In fact, I think you should book something nice for yourself on Father’s Day since no one gave you a Mother’s Day. To me there is no better time to take that day, so Paul can enjoy the full father experience on Father’s Day.
I hear what you’re saying about not letting other people make you into something you don’t want to be. You are All The Things. However. If Mother’s Day isn’t a thing in your house, then Father’s Day shouldn’t be a thing in your house. It’s patently unfair.
And, I’m really sorry. I know exactly how it feels to simply want your people to CARE. We live our whole lives around them, CARING about all that happens in their daily lives. Why must any of them carry on as if it is asking too much of them to simply care?
This makes me so sad! You are a wonderful mother as evidenced by years of positive mothering stories. Happy Mother’s Day to you Swistle!
I would be devastated, especially hearing those words out of my husband’s mouth. And also the fact that they thought of it the night before, so it’s not as though they forgot. It’s as though they purposefully did nothing. I would rip them all a new one and then have a good cry. I’m sorry :(
I really am torn on this on. On the one hand, I hate that there are so many manufactured holidays that we are all expected to observe. But, we are stuck with Mother’s Day (and of course, lets not leave the fathers out )…
I am a mother, and my adult daughter called on the phone to wish me a happy day. She also had sent a gift card earlier in the week, but that is more than I expect from her, as she doesn’t have a lot of money and just the phone call was delightful. We are not super expressive in our family, so I don’t resent that I didn’t get the “most awesome mom ever” callout on Facebook.
I would probably have been miffed/felt slighted if I hadn’t heard from my daughter. My husband asked if I wanted to go out to eat, but we have both worked in the restaurant business and realize that Mother’s Day is the single busiest restaurant day and, ugh. So, I felt recognized and loved, in the way that my family works, and I feel sad for you that your family did not lift a finger to make you feel appreciated.
In case I did not make it clear, you were poorly treated and are absolutely justified in feeling mad/disappointed.
I would absolutely let Paul know how hurt you were, and bring it up again next year a few days before. Ask him to get together with the kids and decide what they think would be an appropriate way to show their appreciation for everything you have done thus far to bring them into the world and keep them alive and happy. I know it wouldn’t take much for you to feel appreciated, and it is absolutely on Paul to make sure that they give it some thought.
Repeat every year as necessary.
Oh, Swistle. I am so sorry they were all such jerks. You deserve better.
This is hard and sad. I’m sorry. You, in some ways, mother a lot of people in internet land (friendly baby and parenting advice for example)…so Happy Mother’s Day from me on behalf of all the people you have positively affected out here.
Maybe let/make/suggest Paul read this post?
Quite.
Yes, I would almost wordlessly give Paul and your children a physical, paper printout of your post together with the slew of comments and then walk away. To be quite honest if after that they didn’t come to you with apologies etc etc etc then I think that I might well think that it would be perfectly fine for you to cancel ALL family celebrations from then on in.
To me—not a parent, but an adult who attempts to be thoughtful—it seems as though some sort of family discussion is in order. Because part of the lesson in thoughtfulness is that our actions (or lack thereof) naturally affect other people. I would think an effective tool in reinforcing that lesson would be hearing how a lack of consideration or acknowledgment of the day made you feel. Not, of course, to guilt them, but to help them think through these things. It would have the added bonus of connecting the lesson to a specific occurrence and to point out areas where they could each be pitching in to help you feel more supported on a more regular basis (e.g., the dishes).
From the way you’ve described things in the past, your children are old/mature enough to think of thoughtful things to do on their own that don’t necessarily cost money. I don’t say this as a pass for Paul—I agree, “she’s not MY mother” is not an appropriate attitude—but I can also understand the impulse to let the kids begin to figure these things out for themselves. Of course, PAUL still ought to have done something.
I generally am of the mindset to sweep my own personal hurts under the rug, but this is an instance where I think you ought to talk with your family about it—especially because it’s clear you see this as a bigger problem than forgetting a holiday (I agree).
I had been trying not to “should” because I don’t often find “shoulding” helpful from other people—so please think of this as a gentle support for your feelings and encouragement to express them to the people toward whom they are directed.
Sending you so many hugs. HUGE HUGS.
I am going to suggest that you tell your family, not in a martyr sort of way, but in the matter-of-fact way as you’ve done in this post, just what you said here. “I expect thoughtfulness from each of you on my special days the way that I put thought into your special days. i don’t expect you to spend money or make me a special breakfast, but l don’t want to have to think about the dishes, or have to ask anyone to do them. A handmade card would be nice. You’re all old enough to be creative and your father should be able to pitch in and help with that, since I do it for him on his special days. Work this out please, because I do NOT want to spend another day sad and angry and resentful. It’s not a good feeling.”
This is a perfect script. I do think you should say something; otherwise it will continue to needle under your skin for the next year. I’m not a big fan of Mother’s Day (or Father’s Day or Valentine’s Day or the other manufactured “holidays” that can cause so much expectation and disappointment), but the fact remains that it is a thing that most people celebrate in some fashion, and to ignore it completely is almost deliberately hurtful.
My own family has not always done such a great job of celebrating Mother’s Day, so I’ve started just telling them a few days ahead of time exactly what I want. We’re not big card people, but I’ll tell them that I’d like SOME acknowledgement of the day and then I’ll suggest what I want to do (and it’s an unspoken deal that they have to go along with it even if they think it sounds horrible). This year we went out to dinner the night before at a place I picked, and I told them where we were going and what time we were leaving. On one hand it feels like I’m doing the work FOR them, but it does ensure that I get what I want and it’s better than feeling ignored. Ugh. I’m so sorry.
Sorry for the sucky day, Swistle. I’ve been there. Once, during a rough Valentine’s season, I copied something you did in one of your posts. I told my husband to order a certain type of chocolate. And, though it was essentially a gift from myself, it did make the day feel special to me. So you’ve helped me through this in the past. Solidarity and hugs. You are a cool person and a good adviser; happy mother’s day to one of my internet “moms.”
Re-reading: this is not a comment on our very slight difference in years, but in the wisdom you share!
I love this response. It’s perfect.
I am glad Liz has a photo, because if I am in a hurry catching up on posts, I look for her responses, which are always so wise. (Finding wise posters is how I found Swistle, actually –she posted many good things on Catherine Newman’s blog, and I tracked her down.)
Thank you!!! I often just repeat what Swistle has said to me and others. :D
This is good. I am going to have to file it away for later myself. (If that’s ok!)
Always.
Yes, this is perfectly said.
I’m so sorry, Swistle. You mean so much to me.
I remember a Mother’s Day when I was about 15, when my mom came in the day after and I think maybe threw something at us (like a washcloth)? And told my older brother that if his girlfriend asked him what he did for Mother’s Day, he better come up with a damn lie because doing nothing for your mother for Mother’s Day is embarrassing. My mom wasn’t particularly given to these kinds of scenes, or swearing, or caring overly much about mother’s day, so it made an impression. (Also, as a hopeful epilogue…my brother is now 36 and pretty good about doing thoughtful things to show my mom how much he appreciates her).
From the positive spin angle though – it sounds like Rob, who is presumably still away at college, did remember. And so maybe the younger kids are adrift without his leadership, and he hasn’t quite figured out how to do Mother’s Day in a non-physically present, loading the dishwasher kind of way – and it clearly didn’t occur to Paul that Rob might need help figuring that out. (Which is a different variety of lameness than not realizing a 10 year old needs help planning Mother’s Day. Still lame, but not the same stupidity repeated over and over again. Last year he had a 17 year old at home who thought about these things, and this year he doesn’t, and he is unprepared.)
Anyways, I think it’s worth bringing up. It doesn’t have to be a selfish pouty thing. Letting their children know when they’ve disappointed them is one of the ways mothers teach their children to be people.
I had a similar Mother’s Day experience when I was about 13. We got the talking to, and then we didn’t forget again.
We did figure out that the next week was Mother’s Day in France, and did something nice then
Hmmmm. Would you be open to giving them a do-over this weekend to earn your forgiveness, Swistle?
Good heavens, please say something! The other commenters have wonderful suggestions, but I would encourage you to speak up about it. I’m sorry they blew it off. My oldest son who is 14 did that this year and it was a bit crushing. I know he was reminded about it so blowing it off was a choice. In the end I had my husband speak to him about how unkind it is to do that since I didn’t like the whiney feeling you mention in your post, but I thought he needed to be TOLD that while he doesn’t have to make a huge deal out of the day, it IS important to make sure the day is marked by an appropriate gesture of some kind.
Ugh. Families.
I’m really sorry this happened, Swistle. I do think someone should talk to the kids, and that that someone should be Paul. My husband is the same way in terms of “we talked about this, he agreed up and down that what I said was true, and then at some unspecified distance from the talk his hard drive got wiped and it’s as though the talk never took place.” It sucks. Lucky for him he is excellent in other ways. Anyway, if this were me, I would talk to my husband about my feelings and expectations, and then make it his job to talk to the kids. He can phrase it in any way that he likes, EXCEPT as “Your mom wants me to tell you that…” NOPE. He can say they all dropped the ball this year and Mom must be feeling down about that, or that he was testing them and they failed, or any other excuse he wants. But he should say it. And he should work to teach the kids about how to make up for it, and how to avoid the same mistake in the future.
I really hope this is a learning experience for them and that they never do this again. You are an amazing mother. And I know I’m not along when I say that you’ve made ME a better mother!
AGREED! Feeling like having to tell your kids how to treat you on a day when you should be able to relax parenting-wise feels like blaming the victim. There are two adults in your family. One of them remembers holidays and does something special and the other one just blew it. The other adult needs to step up and do some parenting.
This makes me both sad and angry for you. It seems to me that sometimes in a balanced relationship, Person A has to (yes, has to) do something for Person B not because Person A values it, but because they know Person B does. That is not asking too much.
I can understand you deciding to guide the kids in what they can do for Paul for Father’s Day, but I also think that you should not do one damn thing for him yourself. Separate out the two, teach the kids, and let Paul deal with the fact that he is not your father, so why should you do anything? In fact, I think the idea of guiding the kids ahead of time, and then you going out and spending the whole entire day out of the house, doing whatever you want, is an excellent one. Even if it means simply sitting in a coffee shop or park with a good book, and ignoring your phone.
This is a really good summary of the situation. “It seems to me that sometimes in a balanced relationship, Person A has to (yes, has to) do something for Person B not because Person A values it, but because they know Person B does. That is not asking too much.”
I’m with the vote for giving this post to Paul to read. Your feelings are valid.
Love you, Swistle.
That is so hard and I’m sorry, you really deserve a nice Mother’s Day! You’re totally right that “She’s not MY mother” is a shitty attitude and while the pettiness inside says, “Don’t do anything for Father’s Day, he’s not MY father,” I feel like that isn’t the right choice either. It’s a real bummer!
I also want to say that when I was in high school, I definitely forgot to do something for Mother’s Day (a combination of no money, no real direction from my dad, and also having a typical teenage daughter/mother relationship) and my parents sat us down and said, “Hey, you little jerks, you forgot Mother’s Day and it’s not like your mother wants a new car, but you have to do something.” It was a little harsh, but they were right and even when I’ve had no money at all, I’ve been able to find ways to thank my mother and my father on their respective days
I think everyone else has given some truly great replies. I am also Very Disappointed in Paul, and I hope you come to a resolution on this Mother’s/Father’s Day issue that sits well with your soul.
I’d like to present, hopefully for your amusement, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepherd’s idea: Mother’s day dad style. Dax told Kristen to go celebrate dad style, so she straight up ghosted her fam and did what she wanted to do (which was wander in a flea market by herself). Just like dads often get a A Special Day to go golfing or whatever WITHOUT CHILDREN OR FAMILY (insert eye roll, because of the parenting double standard for women and men).
Ha! So true! For Father’s Day my dad always ditched us all and went flying by himself. This was pretty much like every other summer weekend, but it galled my mom particularly on Father’s Day.
I have only recently been getting over the fact that you had a lamp and part of the lamp’s charm was a bird chain pull. The kids would play with it, which annoyed Paul and so he just snipped it right off. That was years ago but it has bothered me since and now I’m annoyed with him all over again and the snipped-off-bird is fresh in my mind.
I think I would tell the children that Father’s Day is in their hands this year and going forward. That you will facilitate whatever they decide, but it’s up to them. And I would probably continue to remind them if I saw that nothing was being done/planned, but more to encourage and teach them then to “get even.”
Also, if I still had that bird chain, I’d put that in a Father’s Day card …. ok, now I’m being petty.
Wow! This snipping off of the bird must have been a long time ago, because I’ve been reading for years and don’t remember this story but yeah, that would have enraged me too!
I can’t be the only one who googled that, can I?
(September 2009)
All excellent suggestions, I am tucking liz’s script into my mental file for future use.
I am very much looking forward to a follow-up post.
And happy (belated) Mother’s Day, Swistle and community! Thank you for the years of thoughtful conversations.
Okay. Okay. It is going to take me SOME TIME to calm down from reading this post because you deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS.
It was bad enough for the first few paragraphs — I felt resentful and angry and upset on your behalf for having a day of NOTHING hurled at you instead of a day of at least a few, small thoughtful moments that would not make you want to get into the car and drive away in one direction, possibly never to return. But then I got to the “she’s not MY mother” and I actually gasped loudly and covered my mouth.
That is a no, sir. It takes WILLFUL IDIOCY to make a statement like that. You have been married for a long time and you have FIVE children together. He cannot deny that you deserve special consideration on a day set aside for mothers. All of the points you make are exactly why this is so. He actively and willingly participated in the process of your becoming a mother to all of these children, so he can damn well participate in acknowledging you on a day that is designated to be special for mothers.
I also feel sad that not one of the children even half-heartedly scribbled something on some construction paper for you. You did not even get THE BARE MINIMUM. You are absolutely correct that children have to be trained to be thoughtful, and in this situation the only one who can do that is their father, who is in the picture (because it feels VERY LAME to demand cards and gifts on your own holiday). I think male children especially need this kind of training and in this case must be led by their father to see that making a day special for someone else is not that difficult and should be a natural part of life because people ought to think of others and in fact may find it is even enjoyable to do so.
My first thought when you wondered what to do for Father’s Day was a very unkind and crass thought that I shall not repeat here. I think you have to lay out all of these feelings before then, and it angers me that some people receiving these feelings will associate the terms “martyr” or “nagging” with those feelings because IT IS NOT MARTYROUS OR NAGGING FOR A WOMAN TO SAY WHAT SHE WANTS, even though we have been brainwashed into thinking that is the case. We ought to be able to tell people that their behavior sucks without them thinking that we are needy snowflakes for doing so.
I also reject the “manufactured holiday” concept as any kind of excuse for doing nothing. All holidays are manufactured. MOST people celebrate holidays, even if they grumble about the ones that seem geared merely to selling cards. SO WHAT. In elementary school, the teachers have the kids make Mother’s Day cards and no one bats an eye. The co-parent in this situation should be taking up the elementary school mantle and making sure that at least a minimal effort is expended by the children, and in fact that the ante can be upped in small ways as with the dishes or the special snack/breakfast treat (“Let’s run to Dunkin and pick up some donuts for Mom!”).
I am sweating over this, Swistle. I wish I could go back in time and send you a care package so that you’d have gotten something for Mother’s Day.
All of this. I admit I saw it as a marital issue over a child training issue. The children all seemed to take their lead from their father’s hostility towards being asked by his son what he had planned. I just don’t like it all. Especially after the recent Stove Incident. Mother’s Day needed to be sweet this year.
THIS! THHHIIIIISSSS! Every word of this. You are the MOTHER of his five children. In every way does Mother’s Day apply to him as it pertains to you. The “manufactured holiday” business does not fly with me for the same reasons Meridith explained. It is one day. You are not asking much. You deserve better and I am furious on your behalf.
I’m also grumpy because I don’t know you, I just read your blog, and I can still think of a few nice little things to do or get you that would not be inconvenient or expensive and would have improved your day. This is not hard.
Honestly, I would probably go right over the top celebrating Father’s Day out of guilt-inducing spite. But also, because I could use it as an example for the kids on what they should have done, probably explicitly noting why we are doing all these nice things for dad, as opposed to the nothing they did for you.
Yes! I thought, remember Swistle’s Crappy Day presents? I wish we could all rewind Mother’s Day and send you a mountain of Crappy Day presents, so many that it would take you all day to open them!
Aargh, I meant to put this after Meredith’s comment above, about sending you a care package.
I’m so angry in your behalf. No, I am totally ENRAGED. I really think it was inconsiderate for a bunch of teenagers to do literally nothing for their mother on Mother’s Day. I feel like you should be honest and tell them they were being jerks and then provide an itemized list of things they should have done 1) so they turn into respectable humans who celebrate holidays correctly and 2) so Elizabeth will have higher expectations from her future family. I know this was Paul’s job and its wrong that you have to even do this.
Also I hope Paul steps on legos. Seriously. He was being super mean. You created five humans and least he could do is acknowledge it with a card or a dishwasher load. He was acting like a sitcom dad and it’s not funny in real life.
*for her future family
YES! This goes beyond expectations for men on holidays and into the realm of what your daughter is learning from this. A great question for Paul would be “How would you feel if Elizabeth’s future spouse told her son ‘She’s not MY mother’?” What would you think of her spouse? What advice would you give her spouse?
Oh, this makes me so sad and angry for you! Happy Mother’s Day, Swistle! Thank you for being a mothering role model for me and many other internet ladies! I read your postpartum and newborn posts so often as therapy, and pass them on to my friends who are new mothers. I know I will be revisiting posts about parenting teenagers someday too. You are appreciated!!
Ugg. You are NOT overreacting! This is one of those Massive Disappointments you cannot help but tally in a marriage! For Father’s Day, I’m thinking of locking yourself in your office/bedroom with a huge sign on the door that says “HE’S NOT *MY* FATHER!”
As a single mom I’ve gotten mostly used to underwhelming Mother’s Days, but yesterday my boyfriend’s sister and her husband surprised me with a spa gift card (they just had a new baby and I’ve been spending a lot of time with her). I nearly cried, I was so touched!
I am FURIOUS on your behalf. FURIOUS. I suspect this is not the most productive feeling from which you could proceed but if you decide you’re going to divide up not-doing-any-housework-on-Mother’s-Day into 2-hour chunks that just happen to cover dinner prep every night this week, and then buy yourself a grass-fed steak for dinner while they sort it out…well, I think that sounds healthy.
I would be happy to have the, “listen up, you little jerk” talk with Paul if need be.
Your feelings are amazingly calm–I’m afraid I might have been crushed! and just as an observer I am furious for you and heartbroken at the same time. This group behavior is totally out of line, and insensitive. I have read enough of your posts to know you’ll be able to frame this much better than I am, but I vote for expressing your feelings and using this as a teachable moment.
In the spirit of positive family management by example, may I suggest calling a family meeting, including Paul? You could preface your remarks by something like “What I’m about is not to make anyone feel guilty, and certainly not something anyone can go back and change, so don’t even think about that. But as a parent, one of my responsibilities is to teach you appropriate social behaviors.”
Then, just lay in out, that there are responsibilities associated with personal relationships, and one of them is expressing love and appreciation at the appropriate times. For example, imagine how you would feel if your birthday came and went and there was no release from chores, no birthday cake, no greetings, no cards, just another day like any other day. That is how I felt on Mother’s Day. [and it might be appropriate to say to the gathered group, not here but somewhere along the line, that even though Paul is not YOUR father, he is the father of you children, and you WANT to celebrate father’s day when it comes around.]
You could elaborate that these kindnesses are also appropriate when things are not going too well, such as times when one family member is under stress, and the things we do for people who are experiencing illness or deaths in their families.
And then set a plan in place. In the future, let’s plan to have a family meeting prior to birthdays, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day, [our anniversary?], graduations, etc. And the rest of the family, outside or including the honoree, will plan how to celebrate. YOU each should assume responsibility for having the meeting, and for thinking of ideas. Then you could talk about some practices including some that skate over the “we don’t have any money” lines, such making cards, planning a picnic in the park, sitting outside and blowing bubbles together while drinking ice water prepared by the children.
This isn’t intended to make up for what happened, as if anything could, but please know you have taught me so much about being a reasoned and caring human being, and I am grateful to have you in my e-life. Warm regards from here.
I was just thinking “FAMILY MEETING”! Everyone needs to sit down and hear how disappointed you were. Not trying to make them feel guilty, but to let them know what happened yesterday is unacceptable.
I also feel this coming Sunday needs to be a do-over. Yes, it is a manufactured holiday, so there is no reason not to move it forward a week. We’ve done this with other holidays, and its works well. You have every reason to expect some kind of acknowledgement of Mother’s Day. Once everyone hears how you felt, I think they would appreciate a chance to make it right.
Three years ago, my husband said the very same thing – to my face! – when after two days of silent treatment, I decided to share with him why I was angry. That year, I’d done what I’ve done EVERY year for the past 18 years. I bought and wrapped gifts and carefully selected cards for both his mother and his grandmother. Then on Mother’s Day, he casually said to me in the car, “Oh, yeah, ‘Happy Mother’s Day,” and that was IT! I was so hurt. When I explained my hurt feelings to him, he had the nerve to tell me that it was because I’m “not his mother.” At the time, we had a 5 year old and a 1 year old, so it’s not like they could’ve done something on their own. I’m pretty sure I didn’t talk to him for quite a while longer.
The next year, he bought me a gift, but I didn’t count on that. Several weeks in advance, I bought myself a beautiful, handmade mother’s necklace – a silver wire nest pendant with two pearl eggs and a little mama bird charm. I wore it on Mother’s Day and told my husband I’d bought it – just in case he forgot. So far, he’s done something every year since. He doesn’t really ever nail the gifts (this year an iTunes gift card? I guess they were near the greeting cards at the store or something), but at least he makes sure I have a card to open from the kids. That’s really ALL I want, honestly. Men are so dense sometimes. I’m sorry this happened to you.
oh no he did NOT. “That year, I’d done what I’ve done EVERY year for the past 18 years. I bought and wrapped gifts and carefully selected cards for both his mother and his grandmother. ” NO NO NO NO NO. I’m practically stamping my feet here.
Happy Mother’S Day, Swistle. Your blog and baby naming blog are my two favorite spots on the internet. I am very sorry that you had this experience yesterday. That would have made me very upset as well. I’m not going to offer any advice since we all handle things differently; just wanted to toss my support in the comments.
Once my husband completely blew off my birthday, and after trying and failing to let it go I said, “Listen, I am really sad that you didn’t do anything for my birthday, and also worried about sounding like a prima donna, but mostly sad. So here’s the deal: the feast of St. James is in four days [we’re Catholic and often do low-key saints’ day observances] and I am offering you a name day do-over. You don’t have to make a giant fuss over me, but I would like dinner and a gift.” He appreciated the opportunity to make things right between us, and got it together in time for the do-over date. And I was still a little sad that I had to say explicitly “Please do something nice for me on (or within a week of!) my birthday,” but I was a lot less sad.
Any chance a do-over might help?
Absolutely! I commented up thread about the same thing-the do over! In fact, I would demand it-and I don’t feel like it is being a prima donna, or whining, Swistle is the mother of 5 children! She makes a big deal out of her family’s special days, she deserves the same consideration!
I will go back and avidly read the comments and probably sprinkle in a dime’s worth of 2 cents, but for now I skipped right here to say that I would be sorely tempted to go OVER THE TOP for Father’s Day, but also slip in something about how you’re doing what you would have LOVED for someone to do for you for Mother’s Day. I know it’s really passive-aggressive, but sometimes I can be petty.
Also, even my sister – who is one of the most self-absorbed people I know – called my mom to say Happy Mothers Day… and she didn’t even call when she heard my mother had to have a kidney removed due to cancer a couple of months ago. Not to ask how she felt, not to ask when the surgery was happening, not to wish her well, not to enquire as to how she was recovering… NOTHING! But even SHE called to say Happy Mothers Day!
Happy late Mother’s Day! I’m sorry it sucked.
I am so tired of people repeating “He can’t read your mind!” to excuse such inconsiderate behavior. It’s a stupid overused cliche. Sometimes it’s true, but often enough there is a situation like this where they didn’t just forget or get busy, but just chose not to take any consideration. It IS different if you have to tell someone to think of you, especially when you always try to think of something special for them even when they don’t give you any ideas or hints. It feels cheapened, and puts the mental energy of special day management on you yet again.
Sorry to here about you upsetting Mother’s Day.
The kids I can see forgetting about the Holiday, because once they are out of the lower grades, the school stops doing things. This is when it is important for the other parent to make sure they are reminded of the Holiday. Most preteens I know do not pay to much attention to the Calendar.
As for Paul, I don’t know. My husband has never really done much for my Holidays, while making a big deal about how to celebrate his. He was raised in a very self-centered family. The first few years we were together, he didn’t do anything for my birthday, I was hurt but still did his Birthday. Then the next years a week before by birthday I would start talking about how I couldn’t believe it was my birthday next week and what I would like etc., with still no action from him. I then started telling him after he missed birthday how hurt and insignificant he made me feel by not doing anything, while expecting a big extravaganza for his. Still nothing. Then came my first Mother’s Day, nothing. So the following year, on New Years Day I told him that I was tired of being hurt on my special days. That I didn’t necessary need/want anything, but acknowledgement and something small would be nice. That what hurt me the most is that birthdays were important for him, but he chose not to celebrate mine. So from then on I was not planning on celebrating birthdays or mother/fathers day. If he still wanted to celebrate his days then he needed to celebrate mine and I would but the same effort into his days that he put into mine. (My birthday is before his in the year) The first year he did nothing for me, so he got nothing. When he said something, I reminded him of what I told him in January. He now goes out of his way to do something for those days. It is so nice not to have those feelings anymore.
Men, oh how we have to train them.
I too am married to someone who insists, “But, you’re not MY mother.” Although, he did cook me dinner last night so… I didn’t have to kill him this year. But, I am with you. He cooked dinner and all 4 of our kids came home for dinner which – doesn’t happen often since only 2 still live at home. But other than that and a couple of extra hugs and Happy Mother’s Day from the children it was an ordinary day. (Oh, except when I asked them to do some basic chores that they usually do anyway or help me with something and had to yell, “IT’S MOTHER’S DAY. Can you do this for me.” because they were avoiding helping as usual. Honestly, 90% of the mother’s days I’ve had have made me sad and angry. I wish I could just wipe the holiday from my mind. It is so disappointing to feel like no one cares enough to do the bare minimum.
You are amazing Swistle! You are a fabulous mom and a mom-like person to many of us on the internet. You deserve so much more. I’m sorry they all disappointed you. Happy Mother’s Day from me.
This whole post filled me with such dismay. You are such a good mother – a role model mother; in many situations I find myself thinking, “How would Swistle handle this?” – and it is especially heart rending to think that your own family, who gets the direct benefit of your kindness and reasonable approach, acted so thoughtlessly. I’m sorry.
You have many great suggestions from other commenters and I fall in the camp of “family meeting” plus going out to a movie by yourself on Father’s Day after ensuring the kids have planned something nice for Paul.
Whatever you decide, directing their attention to the serious flaws in their thinking/behavior is NOT whining.
As many commenters have said, I too have really valued your advice and wisdom on all topics and I thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself with us.
I’m sorry that this is how your day went, it’s hard to not feel bummed after zero expectations have been met (and you’ve purposely set the bar low). We are moving this year, so I knew that I didn’t need to be getting any trinkets to then pack up. I told my husband and kids that I wanted them to take the van out, on the day, and clean it (cup holders and all) and then come back with take out because I wasn’t cooking. This was a win win win because they were gone and the house was quiet, they got to see how much they have trashed my vehicle, AND it felt a little special to be doted on. Had I said nothing, none of this would have happened. I think your idea to preteach next year is the only way to go.
WE LOVE YOU, Swistle! I’m really and truly shocked that not even ONE of the kids’ teachers had them make something with glue and scissors?? What is this world coming to? If it were me, I’d be slamming things around REAL hard.
So I mention this not to excuse anything because ‘she’s not MY mother” is totally shitty and Not Relevant, but I think you have mentioned in the blog that Paul had a not great relationship with his mother? (Or maybe you had the not-great relationship, apologies if I’m misremembering). In any case, IF he had a troubled relationship with his mother, is it POSSIBLE that mother’s day brings up feelings for him about that, and therefore his avoidance could be related to those sad feelings? I just think if that’s possibly true, it might be worth adding that to the script like “despite the complicated feelings this holiday brings up, I still need you to be present and help our kids acknowledge me, because ” all the things Liz and everyone else already said.
I almost never comment but this is just so over-the-top inconsiderate that I just have to this time! Given that you said that you two have discussed this very issue, is it possible that he’s angry with you for something unrelated that happened recently? Not that it would be justified, almost no matter how angry he was to ignore Mother’s Day and not rally the children to do something but I can’t even think of any other explanation that doesn’t make him seem like even more of a jerk than not doing something because he was angry makes him seem.
I agree with everything that’s been said and further, I think Paul needs to be forced to read this whole comment section before you even begin to think about forgiving him. We should get Mother’s Day cards from our husband’s not only for being the mother of their children but for having to train and raise them like you would a child! Grrr, I’m furious for you.
This makes me so sad. I am hurt on your behalf. If this were me, I would wait until the sting of this all had dulled a bit, and then I would talk to Paul about what happened, and explain how my feelings were hurt and why the “she’s not my mother” comment was particularly hurtful after previous discussions. I don’t know what he was thinking or why he behaved so terribly, but I would like to think that if Paul knew how hurt you were he would apologize.
My boyfriend has long been split from his kids’ mother, but Saturday he had them sit down at the kitchen table and make Mother’s Day cards. She’s the mother of his children! It’s his job to make sure they appreciate that fact, and show their appreciation on Mother’s Day, her birthday, and in general. Even if they aren’t together anymore. I just…Paul!! You have done bad, you should feel bad, and then you should do better.
Swistle! I’d take you out for a cocktail if I could. I’m sorry.
I’m pretty sure something like this happened when I was a kid. It was not let go, we did a do over. Certainly never happened again. We definitely knew from them on to put effort in to everyone’s holiday. I also vividly remember my Mom coming home one day to the biggest mess and she turned right around and walked back out, she called to say she was not coming back until the house was in order and we were in bed. It was sparkling- we could all see how unappealing we were making her life look.
I love this!
On my very first mother’s day as a new mom, my husband did nothing for me, except ask me to place an online order for flowers for his mom. I was pretty upset. And it got worse later that week when the moms in my new baby group were chatting about what their husbands got them (expensive earrings! A fancy jogging stroller! A night alone in a hotel!). I finally said something, and we had the “but you’re not *my* mother” discussion (I had to call in his mother and his brother to help convince him he screwed up, by the way), and now he knows to plan something special for breakfast and make sure the kids scribble cards. And I’ve accepted that if I want anything off his script I’ll have to ask for it (this year, there was a local mother’s day event that sounded fun, so I asked him in advance to make plans for us all to go; if I ever want a night alone in a hotel I will have to tell him to book the hotel room).
So here’s my question: how the heck did Paul not know the script for yesterday? He’s had years to get it down! You’ve had lots of thoughtful comments here but I will add my opinion: type up a sheet of directions for him, print it out, and tell him he made you feel bad and here’s his script for future years. I think the kids should know too, but the big thing here is Paul needs to know he failed and how not to fail again.
Girl just book that room yourself! I’m staying at a hotel alone on Friday and I booked it and then thanked my husband for the gift! He still had the kids make a card and they went and got flowers for me and made breakfast, but my gift? A gal’s gotta take care of herself 😂
What a sad and disappointing feeling! I’m sorry no one made you feel special yesterday.
One thought I had about Paul. That comment sounds pretty spiteful and resentful. Is there any chance he could be mad/nursing a grudge/resentful and decided “well Swistle did/did not do X so I’ll blow off Mother’s Day.”? I’m not saying he would be justified in doing that, but it doesn’t sound like forgetfulness or blowing it off to me, it sounds purposeful.
One other thought. Regarding Father’s Day—I would be very tempted to blow it off as payback. But if I might gently suggest thinking about your goal? Blowing off Father’s Day might feel good briefly but you could end up in the same situation next year and feel bad again. Would you like for Mother’s/Father’s Days to just not be holidays in your house, on either side? Something small, just a card & a thank you? Brunch, flowers & gifts? I think a discussion with Paul first, and then the kids, would really help set expectations on all sides.
Also re the discussion with Paul. I know it sucks to be calm & mature when someone is being juvenile but if you can be the mature one and tell him you felt hurt/unappreciated, etc it would probably be more likely to resolve the situation than the silent treatment. You guys have been married for a long time and seem to love each other! In the interest of a continued good relationship/marriage, finding out why he blew off Mother’s Day with a nasty comment and setting out mutual expectations for the future would probably be a good idea.
Big hugs, Swistle. You are an awesome mom! Your family is very lucky to have you.
We were just talking about it at lunch. A new mom friend of mine asked me (I mean she has one little six month old baby, not that she is a new friend) if I had a good mother’s day and I kind of groaned. I mean, I don’t really like it. I don’t want to eat in bed and they wake me up early to do it but I do like the idea that they are recognizing it. I used to like to go out for mexican food and margaritas but now I work so much it’s not possible. One of our kids is not great at going to restaurants, so that means we could never go out all together and maybe I am a bitch but I don’t want to go out to eat with my KIDS on mother’s day! It’s bad enough I have to have dinner with them all the nights that I do. It feels like a lose lose situation, because while I don’t want a big hullaballo I would be white hot with anger if no one did anything and especially if I overheard my husband say those hateful words about me not being his mother! I’m super annoyed on your behalf and sorry it went down like that. As I was saying to my friends at lunch, I don’t know WHO thought it was a good idea to get married anyway.
Hahahaha! I’ll tell you who…the husbands!
Ahem. Okay, I’ll stop. No need to go down that path, right?
Also, just wanted to say that I lurk here religiously, even if I almost never post, and you are my favorite blogging mommy, and some of your posts about younger kids helped get me through some of the dark early days, and I talk about your blog with my husband (“I was reading that blog I really like, and *she* said that…”), and Happy Belated Mother’s Day, Swistle! The work you do is appreciated!
Mother’s Day is my least favorite holiday. (I have bad memories from my childhood of my mother being unhappy all day. Every year no matter what we bought/made she was sad and depressed about it. My dad was no help, and we were just kids! What did she expect?!?!?)
It’s hard to appreciate your mother in proportion to what she has given, and I hate the pressure of trying to buy something worthy. When I had my kids I told my husband I’d like cards or drawings from the kids, to acknowledge the day, but nothing else. So far he has remembered, sometimes the DAY OF he suddenly has to go out to get a card, but at least it’s never been totally ignored.
I’m of the opinion you should definitely say something. It’s not acceptable behavior.
I have a lot of the same memories of my mom being angry/disappointed. I think a huge part of it for her was the overwhelming feeling of being unappreciated as a stay at home mom – it’s a thankless job. And then when she finally was appreciated a bit, it never felt like enough recognition, and it boiled all the frustration to the top.
It reminds me a lot of how I have to ask / ask again / remind / plead / nag my husband to handle something – so when he finally does do it, I’m not thankful that it’s done, I’m IRRITATED he wasn’t doing it ALL ALONG.
Everyone has already made some really great comments. The part that stuck out to me as particularly sad, and actually makes me tear up a bit, is that you’ve obviously raised your oldest so well that he KNEW to ask what the plans were for Mothers Day (great job mom!) and his pinehole of a dad didn’t scramble for an idea, or admit embarrassment, he instead ACTIVELY UNTAUGHT lessons you had previously taught Rob about how we celebrate loved ones on their special day. As a father and a role model to Rob, he dropped the ball big time and he needs to right that wrong.
He also needs to make it up to you, but I think that goes without saying. I’m so sorry you were left feeling unappreciated. You are a mom of five (5!) and that is no easy task and recognition of that fact ONE DAY A YEAR (in whatever way they conjure up, but hopefully in the form of less housework) is hardly a lot to ask.
I’m with Kate–Rob clearly KNEW there should be something planned and Paul completely sabotaged it.
I will add to the chorus of voices saying that you deserve better, Swistle. And to wish you a happy belated Mother’s Day. I also agree with sitting down with your family to discuss it. Even if you can’t get the message across to Paul, you will be training your children to do better in the future and with their future partners.
My DH screwed up my first Mother’s Day. He did nothing. He had lots of opportunity. I cried. I told him how upset I was. He’s never messed up again.
I’m so so sorry, Swistle. Definitely say something. Your feelings matter. You matter.
I’m so sorry about this.
I write from the perspective of a person who could easily forget holidays and gift-buying, and am married to a person who is very very good at those things. My mother is also amazing at those things.
One year when I was a teenager, my mom told me clearly how hurt she was about a similar situation. It stuck with me forever even though I was probably dismissive and teenager-y at the time. It was a reminder that I need to try extra hard to celebrate those I love, because gifts/holidays don’t come naturally to me. Even if my efforts don’t live up to what my loved ones would do for me (and they usually don’t, because this area is not my strength), they won’t mind too much – they’ll care that I remembered.
If you have that conversation with your children, it will stick with them, and might especially help them if they are growing into people for whom gifts/holidays are not their “love language.”
Next year, I would plan something great for myself on Mother’s Day weekend.
I hate that you had this experience. I so feel you! You spend every single day nurturing, guiding, picking up after, looking after, planning around for and with, feeding, nourishing and countless other things all of these people INCLUDING PAUL. *Steam, ears* (not to mention the pregnancies, the labors and deliveries, the changes to your physical person, the lack of sleep, etc).
And, I see the point in the “you need to say something” comments. At the same time, I feel like, “holy hell, people, can NO ONE figure anything out without my (ahem, your) input????? I (you) have been raising all y’all and invested in the making all y’all kind, thoughtful humans WHY HAS NONE OF IT STUCK??”
I feel you. It’s not cool. I too have had those “we are NOT going to do….and here is why. Do you agree?” conversations with my husband and then, also, glaring evidence that didn’t stick either.
Oh, so frustrating. SO FRUSTRATING. I’m sorry.
Happy Mothers’ Day. I also have wildly conflicting opinions about the day, but, bare minimum (which is what I get) is Happy Day and some sort of special considerations. Yesterday, I got a daughter that melted down at least 3 times and when I asked her about it she said, “it’s because it’s mothers’ day. it makes me like this” and I was like “FOR THE LOVE.” Not only am I not getting special consideration, I am instead FIGHTING WITH YOU ABOUT THINGS YOU NEED TO DO ALL DAY and you are blaming it on the fact that you are expected to give me special consideration and don’t want to. WHY AM I FAILING???
We should do a “swistle girls’ weekend” somewhere lovely. And we can all moan about all of these things while doing other fun things like drinking, fiber arts, board games, interactive games, eating yummy food not made by us.
First of all, this post really affected me because it made me think about my own mother and how hard she works on a daily basis to take care of our family and how many times I know my dad, brother, and I have probably forgotten to give her the proper appreciation she deserves on Mother’s Day. I immediately sighed with relief after reading this post because I had called her yesterday and made a big Facebook post about how much she means to me (She really enjoys posting on Facebook for her family and friends, so while that may seems cheesy and not enough to some, I know she really appreciated it). I mentally transposed what you were feeling in this post with how hurt she must’ve felt on those Mother’s Days and birthdays that we didn’t bother to do anything for her. I will never forget one of those days again because I now see how much it can hurt, so I guess I’m trying to say: Thank you for showing me a mom’s perspective on being forgotten on Mother’s day.
Second of all, I feel so hurt and upset for you. I really think you should talk to your family about this, as others have said. I don’t think they quite realize how hurt you truly are. I think once you show them and tell them how hurt you were (by the way, I don’t believe that’s martyrdom or nagging, that’s expressing your feelings, which every person (man, woman, or child) in a family should feel comfortable doing with each other) they will be affected by your feelings just as much as I was.
I have an inclination that they love and appreciate you very much and were not trying to be cruel for not doing anything. Perhaps they figured you were the type of mom who didn’t need or care for the day (my dad doesn’t give two craps about Father’s day and gets grumpy when we have tried to spend money on him in the past for it). Although it annoys me very much that Paul had to have some sort of inclination that you appreciate the appreciation on Mother’s day due to the conversations you’ve had with him in the past about “Not MY mother.”
I am hopeful that this is not a patter for your family on Mother’s Days or and they just happened to have become indiscriminately lazy this year.
I can’t even stop and read the comments before I comment because I TOO have a husband who, when his mom asked what he got me for Mother’s Day, said “I don’t know, she’s not my mom.” I should back up. (You are gettin the whole story because I feel the need to rage it out, apologies in advance.)
So, my first child was born on Mother’s Day, and that was exceptionally delightful. AND that year, the Friday before, I had a couple of weeks to go in my pregnancy but I was telling my husband that while I didn’t yet have a living outside child, I had a very very large fetus and I wanted to celebrate Mother’s Day at least a little, because I was feeling quite the emotions about becoming a mom. And my husband pulled out a fancy little box from *special jewelry store* with a very nice necklace with child’s birthstone that he had ordered for me for Mother’s Day. So there is precedent for HIM doing a part of the celebrating. And then in years after, he would take first and then second child to purchase things. Now, I have started to downplay Mother’s Day a little, since child’s birthday has been adjacent (although not yet on it due to leap year.), and because I do want my kids to do the work of celebrating someone. And we are on a budget so I don’t need or expect fancy flashy necklaces. But there has always been some celebration, and always been breakfast in bed and sleeping in some.
This year husband was on a work trip, and I was fine with that, it was a fun trip and since his work supports us I’m glad when he gets to do the fun parts. He got home mid afternoon Sunday. Sunday morning the kids got up (at 5:30am) and ordered me to stay in bed while they made breakfast (pouring milk from an entirely full gallon and getting down the fancy china unsupervised but I forced myself to let them do it themselves). So that was nice, and they gave me cards that they had made at school. And my mom texted and my MIL called. Oh and MiL gave me a gift. (So I did get some child celebration so I should not complain, but they are also at the ages where their teacher facilitates making of gifts for parents so I think that put it on their radar.).
At any rate, then that afternoon husband popped out with the “she’s not my mom” his mom and that was really upsetting. And frustrating because I thought we (he) knew better than this. And reading your experience also makes me livid, because it means it is a thing and not just an abberation. And and and and and. And I’m glad my kids remembered but there was nothing yesterday that either made my life or job or day easier. And now I’ve worn myself into a funk again and have to go clean the shower drain so I can shower. Maybe I’ll read more twitter, that could cheer me. (KIDDING!)
Sigh.
Wow, this blows. You so don’t deserve to be brushed off like that. I’d be so hurt in your place, and I’m angry on your behalf.
I’d sit them all down and tell them matter-of-fact that you are very hurt by their behaviour and had been waiting the whole day for at least the tiniest bit of acknowledgement. I’m pretty sure they’ll feel ashamed of themselves and that will make them not forget again.
And I’d take Paul aside and ask him what the hell he was thinking, especially since one of the kids even asked him about what to do. There is a difference between forgetting (though, how could anyone forget) and between actively dismissing. Besides, the whole “not my mother” thing is utterly bullshit – he is 50% of the reason of why you ARE a mother.
I’m not sure what I’d do about father’s day, but not doing anything special but maybe guiding the kids sounds about right. He’s bound to have a better father’s day already if do the sitting them down before FD, since the kids will remember that they are supposed to do something and Paul will reap the reward.
One option would be to declare father’s day a mother’s day do-over. Sounds drastic, but the way mother’s day was mishandled would indicate that drastic measures are what’s appropriate this time around. FWIW, my family doesn’t celebrate mother’s or father’s day, but of the two, I think mother’s day is still by far the more necessary one.
After Stovegate, this Mother’s Day should have been PARTICULARLY lush and glorious for you, LADEN
with LAYERS of See’s treats and free time in which to enjoy them, and I am chagrined that it was so lousy.
I mean…nothing? No thing? Not even facilitated by the school? Your Henry is the same age as my kiddo, and she did an art project and a writing project in class as Mother’s Day gifts. I’m astounded that no one from your rather large family could get it together this year, I’m sorry!
I hella dropped the ball with my own mother this year, just a greeting and a meal brought home. She’s not really sentimental, but now I’m going to go home and make sure she’s not fuming.
I don’t have much to add because your amazing commenters have nailed it, but it is NOT being whiny to expect better, nor to explain to people how disappointed you are. I’m sorry your day went this way (and seriously, I expect better from Paul and I know neither of you)
Next year, I think I will do what Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard do- a “Father’s Day” type celebration, instead of hanging with the kids all day, get the hell out of the house on your own! I also have a spouse who is terrible at gifts/holidays/mother’s day and to make it worse, he knows he is, feels badly about it, and then gets depressed. Um, no. This year, as the tears started to fill his eyes, I stopped him dead in his tracks and said, “NOPE. I don’t want you to feel bad, and then make me feel bad, because of this thing that you are choosing to not do.”
The rest of the day, he made the effort to have the kids be sweet, and say things like “Happy mother’s day” in unison when I got in the car or came in the room. And I loved it. I don’t actually need or want elaborate things, just thoughtfulness. Saying “I love you”, arranging a nap for me, etc. is just great!
The other wonderful thing is that my in-laws gave us the week off, we are celebrating with them next week. Hallelujah! I loved having to only worry about myself and my own mother for once.
Just chiming in to say that I would be hurt and angry if I were you, and I’m hurt and angry on your behalf! Other commenters have had some good suggestions, and I hope you will speak up. I know exactly how you feel–it sucks to have to remind people to do nice/thoughtful things for you, but you deserve better.
Wow – this is shocking! So disappointed in Paul. I agree that he untaught Rob. Grrr. I am so sorry that they didn’t wait on you hand and foot. You deserve it. I have had crappy mother’s days in the past. Yesterday was a great day. Coach organized everyone to do something, write something. etc. It was really wonderful. They need to make this up to you, and I think you should definitely let them know how hurtful it was that no one thought to give you a break or a homemade card or SOMETHING!
Nope, this is some Big Bullshit right here. I am so sorry! You deserve the best, most relaxing MD and more! The only thing I can possibly think of in Paul’s defense is that maybe he was trying to put the onus on Rob to do something, but that doesn’t totally cut it because a) it was the day before, and b) there are four other children who could be encouraged to Do Things. If I were in your shoes, I would wait until everyone was together – at dinner, for example, and say very matter-of-factly that you were hurt that no one observed Mother’s Day in the slightest, and that you always make an effort to make holidays special, and that you feel reciprocation would be much appreciated. I would be sure to let them know their behaviour was selfish and unkind, and that they could have a Mother’s Day redo on the weekend, if they wanted to show their appreciation for all that you do for them.
So completely indignant for you. I don’t even know you in real life and I can think of five or six little things you’d enjoy as treats or luxuries or gifts, not to mention all the consideration you mentioned in your post. You’re such a lovely person. It would have been really nice to have been treated as such.
I’m so mad at them on your behalf! Ugh. I was thinking in the past your husband used to take all the kids out for the whole day, leaving you to enjoy the day alone, in peace – doing whatever you want. Did I imagine this? I always thought it seemed a perfect thing to do.
Sorry for the shitty day – :( :( :(
Well, I was going to suggest talking to him after the fact (now) for better results next year, but clearly you’ve already done that, so I don’t know what to suggest.
I kind of ended up on the wrong end of this yesterday. My wife spurred the kids to get pretty nice presents for me, but I didn’t talk to them about HER gifts until the day before and while they did get her gifts, they were clearly of a last-minute, not-as-nice variety. And I was the one to put the gifts in gift bags and dress them up a little when they showed no inclination to do so.
I keep thinking they are old enough (12 and 17) to handle this themselves, but if we don’t say anything the older one does nothing. The younger one actually did have a plan, it just hadn’t been implemented yet so I guess there’s some hope there.
I’m going to amend this to say even if Paul is unteachable, the kids are not, so you should definitely say something to them.
p.s. They could have at least gotten you some Almond Rocca. That would have gone pretty far, I bet.
When my husband was a teenager he and his father once forgot his mom’s birthday and she cried so hard that he still gets a little nervous when her birthday rolls around. Most men don’t want to/ don’t think they have to/ have been raised not to, do the emotional labor in a family. I’m so sorry that your family disrespected you like this. You are a great mother and I have learned a lot from you about how to wisely, fairly and lovingly care for my family.
I am honestly in tears over this. (Thanks, pregnancy hormones.) You are such a wonderful, thoughtful mother and I have many times appreciated your motherly wisdom myself. You so deserve to be honored on Mother’s Day AT LEAST, of all days. There has been so much great advice here, and I personally wish you would do any or all of the following: 1) print out this post and leave it on Paul’s pillow. It was very matter-of-fact and not at all whiny; 2) talk to the children about how we honor people on their special days and that while their father should have stepped up, they are old enough to show appreciation and not pile their f*cking dishes on the counter; and 3) let them know you’ll accept a do-over day on X date because you know they are better humans than this.
I am honestly gobsmacked about this. I hope we’ll get an update about how you’re feeling in a few days. I hope you’re doing some nice things for yourself, at least.
I want to add that the kind of appreciation I mean is that my husband: sat with the kids making simple little cards with blank paper and markers and talking to them about why we appreciate Mommy especially today but all days, we went out to breakfast at our favorite neighborhood diner (nothing fancy), and then we all went to Costco to get a few things we needed and my husband told me to pick out the hanging flower baskets I liked best because that’s what he wanted to get me but he wanted me to choose. It’s not ordering some fancy gift you hope they’ll like…it’s just thoughtfulness. Like what mothers do for their children every day. And it is absolutely Paul’s responsibility to teach his kids to appreciate their mother. Ugh. I do not know when I will be able to let this go.
I totally agree Chris, it isn’t big gestures at all-but the small ones that have you know they are thinking about you. That is what means the most-one year my husband helped me clear my garden, and it was very sweet.
Perhaps I’m taking this too far, but, this just screams messed-up, patriarchal gender dynamics to me.
This is emotional labor. Planning and executing something special for someone else – that is the *definition* of emotional labor. And too many men still *don’t even see that it exists.* And to the extent that they do recognize its existence, they just… don’t follow through. They’re happy to reap the benefits of women’s emotional labor, but these men are not yet at the mental place of recognizing they should reciprocate. And they get away with it, because society still just says “boys will be boys,” or “he can’t be a mindreader,” or “it’s a made-up holiday,” or any number of other trite phrases other commentators have pointed out. (Of course, if a woman missed her husband’s Father’s Day, oh boy would SHE be in societal trouble – and that’s without getting into how it’s her job to also plan Mother’s Day for her mother AND for her husband’s mother!!!) It strikes me that when Paul shrugs and says “you’re not my mother,” THIS is where he’s coming from – he, as with most men/society as whole, does not see it as his job to engage in emotional labor on your behalf.
It’s enraging, at least to me, as well as utterly baffling – how do men expect to exist in society in a continual state of sucking up resources without ever giving any back????? How can they seriously think that they have no responsibility to anyone else on earth (other than to work a paid job – which, let’s be honest, just isn’t enough in an age when women work too, and probably was never enough, anyway)??? How can they not *want* to assume a bit more responsibility for life and for their relationships????
I had these thoughts as well! Well said.
Sing it sister! I’ve been thinking the same thing reading these comments. I feel like my husband needs to teach a class in how men should act in these instances. You pay attention, you value your partner, you teach your children how to value other people. The whole “she’s not my mother” makes me want to punch someone in the throat-the fact you bore this man’s children, and he can’t buy you a freaking card? So unacceptable.
I don’t think you are going too far, and I think you hit the nail on the head. I feel so done with women having to carry the emotional load for a family, we do it, we do it-to the point where we somehow aren’t valued by our own families. Not saying they don’t love us, but you know what? A card, some flowers, a dinner, and not having to do the dishes is not to much to ask on Mother’s Day.
PS-I just realized you are ANON-so you may not be a woman-but I really appreciated your comment!
I can’t even take the time to read the comments before I comment because I am SO upset on your behalf!
Personally, I would let him have it. This would have ticked me off beyond belief. I would print this post and hand it over. He needs to understand how much this cavalier attitude hurt you…not to mention the fact that he missed this teachable moment for his children. “Not MY mother!” *shaking my head in disbelief*
My husband wasn’t a big “holiday” person (except for Thanksgiving/Christmas and even then it was just about the food) when we met but he quickly learned that I celebrate ALL holidays and that meant he would too.
Happy belated Mother’s Day, Swistle. Sending hugs and wine. xo
This makes me so angry. For you and for all the mothers who get taken for granted. The ones who carry the mental load for the family deserve at least one day when they are appreciated. And it’s not like they have to think of it on their own. The whole country spent weeks saying, “Mother’s Day is coming up. Here are ideas to help you show your mother you appreciate all she does and has done for you!”
Someone on the radio Saturday was talking about what her mom-friends had said they wanted for Mother’s Day. It was mostly stuff like “professionally cleaned house” and “spa day.” One said exactly what I wanted: “a day off from the mom stuff.” I love my kids and husband, but I can’t be with them without having to take care of them and keep track of their needs and guide them and comfort them. It’s exhausting. I don’t think it’s unfair to expect them – on this ONE DAY – to think about taking care of me and making my life comfortable without me telling them HOW to do it. Granted, I have much more practice doing it for them, but they aren’t idiots. Even a failed attempt would be more appreciated than business as usual.
Anyway, you are a good mother, Swistle. Sorry you didn’t get the day you deserve.
On this note, my best girlfriends and I went to a hotel for a long weekend. Missed our kids a ton (ages 15-2, 9 kids among us) but it was exactly what we wanted. Days off from the not-generally-recognized-or-appreciated mental load. It was quite nice.
Also, now that I posted a huge comment all about me, I have an idea for you. For Father’s Day, you should plan and purchase tickets for Paul and ALL the kids for some sort of all day adventure. The zoo, or golfing, or a hike, or an all day movie pass or a LOT of plants to be planted or some other project supplies. Bonus points if it is an activity you would not chose to do. Paul and the kids can spend Father’s Day fathering (why is mothering a word and fathering not?)(I mean, I know the answer) and you can spend the day doing whatever the heck you want to do, since he’s not your dad after all.
This is a great idea. Definitely do this.
Oh, that is so interesting! Fathering is not really a word, is it? But “fathered a child” seems to mean sperm donor, while “mothered a child” means every task afterward into adulthood.
Also, my 8 year old spend Mother’s Day lamenting that it’s no fair there is no kids day. Ahem.
Oh, I hadn’t even thought of fathered a child vs mothered a child and wow.
And now I’m wondering when my just turned 8 year old will come up with the kid’s Day lament. Ha.
It seems like the prevailing advice is for you to talk to Paul, and I don’t disagree BUT you already have talked to him about it in the past, and worked this all out before, and now it has…disappeared from his mind? I don’t understand how that happens. I wish there were more male commenters here who could explain what that’s like, because it has happened with my husband (with other issues), and I really just don’t get it. Have a fight, talk things through, agree on solution, rinse, repeat. So discouraging.
I watched a video by Mayim Bialik about avoiding creating anxiety in your kids (or something like that) and one of the things she suggested was not requiring your kids to say please and thank you (just modelling it). I disagreed with that because, based on personal experience, I felt like that was the kind of thing that you sort of need to build a (brain) muscle memory for. Eventually you learn when and how to do it yourself, but you need a lot of reminding before you really get it. All that is to say that maybe expecting kids and young adults to be able to think selflessly of their mothers totally on their own is expecting too much given that their heads are up their own butts so much. They still need reminding until they get it. So maybe this is a situation where you need to define what you want and then give them a list beforehand: here are the things you *could* do on Mother’s Day that are thoughtful things I would appreciate. Paul should definitely be reminding them, but it might help them to think about what it means to be thoughtful/helpful and then he won’t feel like he’s having to “do” anything for kids who he clearly feels are at an age to do it themselves (except pester them). Should they be this level of thoughtful at these ages? I’m not sure. My kids are small, so I haven’t had to face this yet. People with older kids would need to tell me if I’m setting my standards too low. Regardless, I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this. I think you’re amazing, and I’ve learned so much from you and gotten through so much because of you. And I think it’s totally okay to ask for what you need.
Hi Swistle, first time commenter, but I’ve enjoyed reading your blog for a long time. You’re not my mother either, but as thanks for all the lovely and insightful writing you’ve provided all these years, I made a small donation to the ACLU in honor of “Swistle”.
I hope the week gets better!
Yes, I agree that your hurt feelings are justified as you really have gone out of your way to think and teach your family to think of the other people in your lives. A matter-of-fact conversation may be needed here.
That said, I threw an honest-to-Gosh temper-tantrum last year as, even though my own small request for the day is to “not have to cook” (and is almost always followed), I was quite upset when it was a gorgeous day, and none of my family members were willing to go for a nice, sight-seeing drive with me when I asked. DH and DS were at a volleyball tournament. Eldest DD “had too much homework.” Middle DD ” just didn’t feel like it.” THAT was the attitude that set me OFF. Youngest DD, who was five at the time, still talks about the Mother’s Day “when Mommy was an asshole.” WHOOPS.
Yes, remind your kids a few days ahead of time next year about those small, simple, thoughtful things that take very little effort and yet make the recipient feel appreciated.
Oh my word. I am late to this, but it sounds so incredibly hurtful. I am truly sorry. You deserve so much better. Why, why, why do men suck so much at emotional labor? Obviously, that’s rhetorical. I was honest to God telling my mother this weekend (on our moms’ getaway) about your Paul messing up the oven order and his artistinal jam making phase a few years back which I’m STILL annoyed about. (You’re my favorite blogger and I’ve been reading a while). I mean, Paul, get it together.
Aiyiyiyiyi. Please count me among the outraged, and also, Happy Belated Mother’s Day, Swistle. Although you are not MY mother, you are a wonderful mother, and I appreciate the vast amount of information you offer us, about mothering.
I think many of the commenters above have presented compelling arguments for various approaches to communicating how what your family members did(n’t do) made you feel, and what you would like them to do about that, but if you don’t decide to pursue any of those (excellent) approaches, I hope you will instead book yourself a beach trip (or whatever appeals to you) for Father’s Day weekend, and fly/drive away on your own or with friends on Friday afternoon or evening, leaving Paul responsible for the household and family until you return, preferably not until at least Monday morning. No need to discuss the fact that Father’s Day happens to fall on the weekend you will be away, just tell him you need a weekend of peace-and-quiet and when you’ll be leaving/returning, and go.
Ughhhh. I am so sorry! My husband usually does pretty well, but he dropped the ball last year, and I was not pleased. I was pregnant, in the throes of all day long vomiting and nausea, and raising a two year old and five year old, and I woke up to a quickly scrawled out “Happy Mother’s Day!” On a piece of construction paper.
I was like, “is this it?! Are you KIDDING me!” And proceeded to throw a bit of a hormonal pregnancy tantrum. I’m not a gift person. And I’m not someone who needs or even likes to hear over the top compliments and gushing. But I was spending my days over a toilet, with two insane little boys, and I could have used something thoughtful and sweet.
This year, I got a new iPad. And they cooked me lunch. It was a much better day.
I’m sorry. I blame your husband, but I also blame your kids. They’re definitely old enough. I vaguely remember my dad taking us shopping when we were young, but at a certain point…maybe junior high? Or high school?..I took over and my siblings and I did the legwork. I remember many, many breakfasts in bed, cards, special dinners, shopping together.
It rubbed off, I think. Because yesterday all four of us still got together with my mom and had dinner (with our families), and my brothers both had gifts with very sweet cards about what an amazing mom and grandma she is.
This stuff matters! It’s just about appreciation. I personally would be really mad that rob asked Paul, but then was like, okay, forget it? So he knew it was the next day, but couldn’t even write you a quick card? Maybe run to the store and buy you some chocolate? Pshhht! Not okay.
And your husband was wrong, but what’s funny is that I remember, after we first got married, asking my husband what we should do for HIS mom, and he was like, “what? You still have to do something? She’s not actively mothering anymore.” SHE’S STILL A MOTHER, dingbat!
You need to have a Talk with that man. And I would lay the guilt trip thick with your kids.
I am way down here at the bottom of the comments thread and a little late to the party but I want to add something that I didn’t see mentioned. I have only been married for 1.6 years and I don’t have kids so take this with a grain of salt.
I got married later-ish in life and by the time I met my partner I had been living overseas for 8 years and moving around a lot so I had developed some holiday traditions that were meant for me and only me because of the number of times that I was away from family and close friends for birthdays/holidays/etc. For special days I do whatever I want to do and don’t waste a moment of the day feeling guilty. I eat entire bags of candy corn on Halloween, make myself a tray of brownies and eat the whole thing on my birthday, and buy expensive, hard to find foods for myself on Christmas. I see movies and go to nice places and take trips. I lay around and watch Netflix and DO NOTHING if that’s what I’m craving. I look forward to these special days and have never been disappointed. I plan these special days almost a month in advance and it puts a pep in my step to think about the indulgences on the horizon.
When I met my partner and there was suddenly the expectation of giving and receiving on special days, I happily came up with special ways to celebrate my partner and give them gifts. I love planning things like this and it comes naturally! My partner is thoughtful and is good at remembering holidays (not hard with social media, imho) but was worried during our first year that they might not meet my expectations. I realized that with the exception of our anniversary (we go out for a nice dinner at a place we both like, no gifts), all of the other days were essentially covered already because I was already looking forward to MY OWN PLANS that I had established years ago. I told my partner what I would be doing and that they could participate without judgement and add anything else that they wanted to contribute (ie: gifts, cards, dinner plans, etc) and that my plans could change and evolve as our marriage changed and evolved. My partner does these things for me and I for them, but if some year they forgot, I truly think that it wouldn’t be all bad because I would still have a good time with myself. I might be disappointed that my partner forgot, but the day wouldn’t be entirely lost because I would still have my lovely, premeditated plans to look forward to.
My point with all of this is: on your special days, YOU DO YOU. This isn’t lowering expectations, it is elevating the expectations that you have for your own self-love and self-care. Plan it in advance. Put it on the calendar. Look forward to it for weeks in advance. That way, even if you have a thoughtful conversation with Paul about how he needs to start acting like a loving adult and he still can’t get his act together, you can enjoy your day without it being “mom in a huff getting cranky and blowing everyone off”. It’s just Mothers Day, the day when Swistle has scheduled a pedicure and plans to eat an entire cheesecake behind the locked door of her bedroom while watching Netflix (or whatever) plus anything else that your family can or can’t throw together.
I’m sorry that this happened. We as a society hold the very lowest of expectations for men when it comes to matters of the heart and family and your husband has fallen victim to them. Perhaps you can have a conversation with your sons about how men should be held to the same exact standards as women in this area and use their father as an example. “Dad has fallen victim to toxic masculinity and society’s low expectations of men. I am having this conversation with you so that you don’t end up in the same spouse-alienating situation.” But that’s just me being vicious. :)
I’ve nothing to add, I just feel compelled to say…wow. Jen, very well-written. And not vicious at ALL. You’ve summarized in your last paragraph EXACTLY what I’ve not been able to put together the words to express. Thank you.
I absolutely LOVE THIS! In a nutshell, take care of ME and let others add to the day in a level they see fit. Fabulous.
I had the exact same thing – for the 3rd year running :-( and it sucks mightily. Mother’s Day has always been a little awkward for us in the sense that it is my birthday, then hubby’s birthday, then Mother’s Day and then my son’s birthday all in the space of about 3 weeks – it tends to get expensive and busy. Also, to be fair, prior to 3 years ago, my husband and son made an effort to at least do 1 nice thing on Mother’s Day. Then 3 years ago my mom died a couple of days before Mother’s Day. Things between us were very strained and difficult towards the end, so understandably I told my hubby not to worry to do anything because I wasn’t really much in the mood to celebrate. I still went to the Mother’s Day picnic that my son’s school holds every year, but that was all. Except somehow for the two of them that seems to now have translated into not having to put in effort going forward. So last year and this year, absolutely nothing was done. And it sucked. Mother’s Day tends to bring up a lot of unhappy memories of the strained relationship I had with my own mom and all the difficult feelings that go with it for me so I almost need them to actually just step in and do something – anything – to help take my mind off things and, you know, just do something nice. Yet there is nothing forthcoming, other than what the school gets my son do in preparation for the aforementioned picnic.
It is not that I need gifts – I really don’t. Plus my birthday is only like a week and a half before Mother’s Day so I don’t expect to receive gifts twice in short succession. BUT, I would like some kind of effort of show of appreciation of some kind. A card or some flowers (I love flowers and have told them this repeatedly but it falls on deaf ears), or let me take a day off from the constant stream of household chores that I take care of every day. I have been trying not to make a big deal out of the day in general (I guess in part to put myself in a place of ‘if I don’t have any expectations then I can’t be disappointed’) but there is a part of me that wishes that they would just surprise me with some small gesture and I do still feel hurt, unappreciated and sad when it doesn’t happen. I think part of it is that I do so much for both of them (like most moms / wives) and when it is birthdays or Father’s Day I go out of my way to make the day special, so isn’t it only fair to expect a little of the same in return?
This year, my hubby reminded my son to wish me for the day at around 10am, but he himself never wished me. I had heard my son speak to him multiple times asking what they should get me or what we should do, and each time his dad just kind of halfheartedly dealt with the question and then changed the subject. He also decided that Mother’s Day was the day that he wanted to start his new diet and start exercising. I got no breakfast in bed – didn’t even get to sleep late – and I cooked breakfast for everyone (& not the breakfast that I would have like either, due to ‘the diet’). I had a mountain of laundry, dishes, cleaning etc to do. I had to go grocery shopping for supplies for hubby and to buy supplies for a supper that he chose which fits with his new eating kick but which I was not even consulted on as to whether I would like it as well or some sort of compromise. I got to sit and help my kid research his school project for a couple of hours while hubby played games and then slept, then I had to help clear out and clean the room where our treadmill is so that he could exercise. They did briefly offer to take me out for a meal (but bear in mind hubby would have just sat there not eating anything) but I pointed out to them that it would be really crowded no matter where we went. They replied ‘that’s ok, we don’t mind crowds!’ – yes, geniuses, but I do; in fact I hate crowds! So when I said no, instead of, oh, I don’t know, maybe going to the shop less than 5 minutes from us and buying some flowers or a card or even just offering to cook for me, they just dropped it entirely.
I should add though that my son (7) did redeem himself somewhat yesterday. He had been looking forward to the Mother’s Day picnic which would have been on the Friday but we were unable to go as he woke up very sick that morning. But their teacher and art teacher had had them working on gifts for us; he got them on Monday when he went back to school and gave them to me last night. And I just about melted because I could see he had put a lot of effort in. It meant the world to me. So yes, maybe he didn’t do anything on Mother’s Day (not that his dad was setting a great example) but at least he still gave me something (albeit thanks to the school).
So I have decided this. Next year I am not going to wait for them – I am going to take matters into my own hands. I am deciding our menu for the day based on the things that I would like to eat that day – I don’t even mind cooking it on the day too much if it is something that I want as a treat. I am also going to decide what are the things that I would like to do (e.g. go for a massage, or get my hair done) and plan and book those things ahead of time so that I have something to look forward to. I am going to buy myself a bunch of flowers that I like. I am going to try and plan the housework in such a way that I have the absolute minimum to do on the actual day. In short, I am not going to wait for them to disappoint me again and then feel sad. I know that I need some cheering up around then and some spoiling and if no one else is going to do it, then I will do it myself. There is nothing wrong with that and in some ways it is even better because I will be getting / doing exactly what I want.
Just wanted to chime in in complete support of your take charge of the day plan.
I think I might have a slight advantage when it comes to Mother’s Day because one thing I really don’t like is being surprised or having to go along with someone else’s elaborate plan, and one thing I really do like (and really miss as a parent of young kids) is the freedom to decide what I want to do and just do it.
I am so sorry about your mother. My mom died just a few days after Mother’s Day six years ago (in fact, today is the anniversary of her death), and then my grandmother died right before Mother’s Day four years ago. This year was the first good Mother’s Day I’ve had since my mom died. In the past, I’ve had to hide out and cry, but this year I finally didn’t feel that overwhelming sadness and grief. I think your plan to do things both by yourself and for yourself sounds like a good one.
I think what would frustrate me the most is that Paul presumably doesn’t forget deadlines at work–that he’s capable in other areas, but doesn’t think it’s important enough to make the effort at home.
My husband remembers and asks me what I want for Mother’s Day–he gave me a really, really wonderful one-page note with little blurbs about all of the things I do for him and for the family. He also snipped some flowers from the yard and took care of dinner. The rest of the day was on me and was the usual one-parent-active-toddler-rainy-day slog… but there are special circumstances that meant he wasn’t around for most of the day this year.
I will admit, though, that I think that part of why he remembers is because I order flowers for an assortment of distant mothers, aunts, and grandmothers in our family, and I tell him when I placed the order–usually at least a couple of weeks in advance. And I usually set the deliveries for the Friday before Mother’s Day, so I also tell him then that his mom, aunt, and grandma got the flowers. If you don’t have people for whom you want to do that or don’t want the expense, maybe ask him to put a reminder in his phone or other calendar NOW for a few days ahead next year. And possibly tell him to write that you will be hurt and upset if HE (not just the kids) doesn’t do anything special and appreciative. Because if the reminder doesn’t do it, the guilt might. Plus putting the reminder in now will mean that next year, you won’t feel the same sort of nagging than if you had to do it in person in the moment.
Lalala, I am in a passive aggressive frame of mind and now if one of my children asked me what to do for my husband on father’s day I would widen my eyes, cock my head and reply, “huh hmmm. I dunno, what did “we” do for Mother’s day this year?”
Oh, this would be me, absolutely.
The thing I keep dwelling on about this post is that you put HUGE thought into what to do for your kids and your husband for their special days and for Christmas. We see that in your posts every year about what to get for someone in (age group). You plan for weeks, if not months, and that’s not even talking about your daily tasks to make life pleasant and workable for the family.
I’m flipping furious on your behalf, enraged. I really want to be able to talk to your family for you so that you don’t have to be the one to do it, so it’s not one. more. thing. you are doing for your family. Because letting them know what they did wrong, and letting them know how they can make it better is work you are doing for them.
But I don’t know any way it can get done without you doing it, and I’m sorry about that.
Oh I’m in this place sometimes: the disappointment, the feeling invisible and unloved. I do all the things suggested. I buy myself presents, I plan my own day, I have a Discussion about Expectations. It kinda boils down to-DO YOU LOVE ME? And how it vulnerable it makes us to ask the question.
You have a plan and it sounds good. I’ll bet the real reflection might be to ask Paul (and the kids) if they love you. And how they know that you feel that love. I imagine it might make them PAUSE and REFLECT. And give you chance to answer some questions about how you know you feel loved. Is it a gift? A dishwasher unloaded? The words themselves? I think your vulnerability would shake Paul out of his complacency big time-more so than a lackluster Father’s Day.
Exactly this. It does boil down to “do you love me” and also “where do I fit in the priorities of your life?” And if the answer is at or near the top, then their actions should support that. Because really, all you are asking for is a gesture that indicates you are important and loved. They should be able to do that in their sleep. I am so, so sorry that you have to ask for it.
Wow. I read this yesterday and wasn’t able to comment (holding my baby, who benefits from the wisdom and skills you have generously shared for years on your blog) and now I am still just silent with rage at Paul. Honestly, he doesn’t deserve you. If I were in your shoes, I don’t know where I’d go from here, but never doubt for a moment that you are justified in your anger and hurt. Also, I would skip Father’s Day.
I keep checking for an update. . .
I’ve been thinking about this blog post of yours, Swistle, for about 24 hours. I’m so sorry. Just crushed this happened. I’m furious at Paul.
I know you value your privacy/family protection on this blog (no place references, altered names, etc). I’m going to suggest a radical idea. Get a post office box from now until Father’s Day. It can be an hour away. Maybe your SIL can get it for you. Then post the address here on your blog. I’m sure your readers would flood that address with Mother’s Day cards, crappy day presents, $5 target gift cards, fox detailed trinkets, moderately dangly earrings, etc. (grumpy that I don’t know you at ALL and I can easily come up with a list of inexpensive tokens of affection.)
Then for Father’s Day, send the fam out somewhere minus you. Movie, minor league baseball game, park. You take the day and go thru your Post Office anonymous mail that your family is unaware of. When they get home and see the huge pile of cards, mention that your friends heard about your sad Mother’s Day this year. Not martyr. Just an in-your-face, unforgettable guilt trip. Character building for your children. I don’t know if Paul is fixable, but you still love him despite his flaws (ENORMOUS flaw this mother’s day.)
Did I write this post? I think I wrote this post. If I didn’t write this post, I lived this post. Are we the same person?
I had almost the exact same experience and am still so mad/hurt/dispairing today (Tuesday). I have no helpful words of advice. To make matters worse, in Monday approx 100 (okay slight exaggeration) of my colleagues asked how my Mother’s Day was. I answered “it was okay.” Which made me mad all over again all day Monday.
I’m so sorry that happened! Boo!
Oh, Swistle, I’m sorry this happened. As many here have said, I think you’re absolutely justified in being hurt — but I wanted to chime in to say that I’m not sure it really even matters whether your hurt is justified; it just matters that it’s genuine. When I’m in a situation like this, it sometimes helps me to imagine the tables turned: if I had truly hurt my husband’s feelings, regardless of the reason, wouldn’t I want to know? Whether I legit messed up or he just misunderstood me or a combination of both or something else entirely — I’d care that he’s hurt, just because I care about *him.* I can’t promise that if you talk to Paul and the kids they’ll immediately look it that way, because getting called on our shit is never easy … But I vote for doing it anyway, because I do know they care about you and love you and don’t want you to hurt.
I have nothing more to add that hasn’t already been said, so I’ll just reiterate which parts I extra agree with:
– reading this post breaks my heart
– you have all rights to feel angry/disappointed
– you should have Paul read this blog
– you guys should have a family sit-down to talk about this, and soon, not next year.
Playing armchair psychologist, this sounds SO much like a cycle my husband and I go through. There has been a change in the dynamic of your household, a BIG ONE, I might add (child in college), that suddenly leaves your husband feeling insecure about himself/his position in the relationship/the future etc. What easier way to feel reassured than to self-sabatoge and need your loving care and training? I’m totally serious, this happens! He likely doesn’t even realize this is the case. If he starts screwing up again, then things will not change and you will continue to care for him as always. Growth and change can be terrifying! My husband and I generally are able to talk through these episodes and he realizes that I will still love him even if things change and even more if he doesn’t need me and will get back on track, but hooo boy, if it didn’t take me awhile to start to sniff out the pattern.
Just adding one more voice to the chorus of, “You are awesome, you rock, you do deserve more, and don’t feel badly for expecting it.” Sigh.
I read through the comments and I was so sad at the number of women on here who had this happen to them, then were upset, and THEN their families never did it again. I guess it’s good that they responded to the woman’s feelings, but why did it take a meltdown to make you see that a little consideration was called for?
One thing I just hate in life is being told “You should have said something” or “Why didn’t you ask?” Because sometimes I shouldn’t have to ask, that’s why. Because saying something, then having you do it begrudgingly with snide comments about how we “have to do it or Mommy will be upset” or give me eye rolls ISN’T WORTH IT.
Now *I’m* upset. I’m off to do some stomping around and eat a lot of cookies.
I LOVE Celeste’s suggestion of going away and doing something special for yourself on Father’s Day!!!! Spa day….ride to a nice restaurant with a deck and sip wine as you look out at the water, etc. Leave him at home with all 5 children so that he can have a true Father’s Day experience! Talk about getting your point across (I hope) for years to come!!!!!! ❤️