Tonight I am in a mood where I am suddenly hyper-aware that WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE, NO REALLY WE ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO DIE, AND SOME OF US SOONER RATHER THAN LATER. This leads to two simultaneous, contradictory, and highly unpleasant lines of thought:
1. I’m not doing anything worthwhile with my life. I am wasting all of it. Here I am, WASTING ALL OF IT. IT IS ALL POURING RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN. I need to find something significant and worthwhile to do RIGHT THIS SECOND.
2. There is no point in trying to do anything significant or worthwhile, since we are ALL GOING TO DIE ANYWAY and it does not matter AT ALL if we lived a Significant and Worthwhile Life first.
I medicated by drinking a spinach/blueberry smoothie (I WILL LIVE FOREVER), cleaning my desk (MY AFFAIRS WILL BE IN ORDER), and writing some Postcrossing postcards while eating from a box of See’s chocolates; next I’m going to play some Candy Crush and go to bed early. These things always feel brighter (or rather, dimmer) in the morning.
********
William and I had a really great shopping success this morning. He’d seen an 11th Doctor Who jacket online for, like, over two hundred dollars. I looked at it and thought, “I’mma find that at Goodwill.” And the very first time we looked at Goodwill, we found a jacket that is almost identical, for $4.49. So we are pleased. Now he wants a button-down shirt to wear under it. *rubs Goodwill hands together purposefully*
I totally believe in “The Secret” for thrifting. Totally. Sometimes I just put that vibe out there- most recently it was a bathrobe for my 4-year-old, and there it is, on the rack the next time I go!
This is why I knit. It staves off those feelings of existential dread.
Corollary to “we’re all going to die” is “soon no one will remember”—OK, that sounds way more dire in print than it does in my head, but I find it comforting in a “not that many people live truly remarkable lives anyway, so do what you want” kind of way, although I guess that sounds a bit dire, too. Hmm….
“DO WHAT YOU WANT, NO ONE ELSE REALLY CARES—NO REALLY” is the theme, here.
This crosses my mind every now and then too. We’re all more or less here and then we won’t be.
…and that’s not comforting, either, except it kind of is. To me, anyway.
Swistle, that is like getting that jacket for 97.75% off. Well done.
Oh, and Nora made this observation recently: “So… I’m just going to keep getting older till I die?”
Yep.
He will also need a bow tie! Bow ties are cool!
I don’t care so much if I die; one way or the other I won’t be thinking about it much afterward. It’s my children who have to live forever.
I read cheerful novels to make myself feel better about this stuff. Contemporary lit has way too many dying people in it.
Gaaaah I saw this post on Facebook in the middle of the night and just from the title, I didn’t even read it, and I STILL went to bed feeling hopeless.
I find that the majority of my “Oh shit, I will die” thoughts come in the winter when I am deprived of sunlight, trapped in the house with small sick children, and everything already seems pretty grim. I’m already feeling pretty sorry for myself and then it hits me that none of this even matters ANYWAY and well, you know the spiral.
Come spring though, it’s just another one of those things that I barely think about.
Ah yes, the January Existential Crisis. Hello darkness, my old friend. God, this time of year sucks.
But nice job on the thrifting!
It’s when you voice that “I’m GOING to find that at the thrift store” command that it comes true–dang I NEED a kennel big enough for a mastiff BOOM there you go…WOW I need a pair of ski boots for an 8 year for under 89 dollars BOOM there you go! I need a Dr. Who coat BOOM! You’ve got to voice it to get it
I have recently begun having periodic thoughts pop into my head, very much against my will, such as, “What if this is the day before I get hit by a car and die?” or “What if tomorrow I find out I have terminal cancer?” and then I think about how I’m totally not using my Last Day or my Last Day of Health/Normalcy to its fullest, or how Felicity might remember my Last Day as being one where I got loud with her about something minor and dumb, or how of course ANY day could be that Last Day but we don’t KNOW IT and so we go on frittering away our time doing useless things that won’t matter when we’re gone.
It’s an incredibly depressing thing to think about. I don’t recommend it.
Sorry.
Lawyerish, those are my everyday thoughts, but I tend to focus on whether my family would be able to navigate life without me, or how long it would take for someone to track them down. If I got run over right now, how would they figure out who to call, how my husband would manage to get the dotter to piano lessons, that sort of thing.
But universe finds are awesome! I found my little pick up that way. I have a friend who says it some from having a very clear idea of what you want so that you recognize the opportunity when you see it. Either way, it’s great!
I see old news releases and think almost everyone or every one in it is dead now- or a movie– they are all dead..